1 00:00:04,076 --> 00:00:07,044 OK, vanilla cone with the rainbow sprinkles... 2 00:00:09,014 --> 00:00:10,880 That's $2.43. 3 00:00:10,948 --> 00:00:12,981 There you go. Thanks. 4 00:00:13,049 --> 00:00:14,617 Out of 20? 5 00:00:14,685 --> 00:00:15,951 Do you have anything smaller? 6 00:00:16,018 --> 00:00:18,385 No, that's, uh, yeah, that's all I got. 7 00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:21,720 Hmm. I don't have change for this. 8 00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:24,055 Well, it's all I got. 9 00:00:27,726 --> 00:00:29,126 What do you wanna do? 10 00:00:30,527 --> 00:00:33,495 Well, uh, I told you I don't have change for a 20. 11 00:01:15,257 --> 00:01:16,190 Fudge. 12 00:01:16,258 --> 00:01:17,324 What's wrong, honey? 13 00:01:17,391 --> 00:01:19,031 There's a very rare archipelago butterfly, 14 00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:20,303 and I forgot to bring my camera. 15 00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:21,639 No, you didn't, sweetie. 16 00:01:21,663 --> 00:01:22,663 What the hell... 17 00:01:22,729 --> 00:01:24,396 Good God. 18 00:01:24,463 --> 00:01:25,764 What? 19 00:01:25,831 --> 00:01:28,231 Are you gonna move at all this weekend? 20 00:01:28,299 --> 00:01:30,900 Are you planning any activity? 21 00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:33,435 Hey, I've been plenty active... 22 00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:36,070 in here. 23 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,204 Please. 24 00:01:37,272 --> 00:01:38,671 I'm serious. 25 00:01:38,739 --> 00:01:41,806 I just learned that if I'm ever bein' chased by a grizzly bear, 26 00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:43,142 I should run down a hill. 27 00:01:45,010 --> 00:01:46,490 'Cause bears, they can't run downhill. 28 00:01:46,545 --> 00:01:48,688 Their back legs get all bunched up with their front legs, 29 00:01:48,712 --> 00:01:51,980 and they... They just wipe out. 30 00:01:52,048 --> 00:01:53,315 Gotta be honest with you, hon, 31 00:01:53,382 --> 00:01:56,249 not sure you can run downhill. 32 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:57,828 All right. Just for that, I'm not gonna show you 33 00:01:57,852 --> 00:01:59,419 the safe way to milk a goat! 34 00:02:05,423 --> 00:02:06,723 For the next hour, 35 00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:08,169 we'll take an in-depth look 36 00:02:08,193 --> 00:02:10,593 at the gentle giant of the sea, 37 00:02:10,660 --> 00:02:12,828 the North American manatee. 38 00:02:12,895 --> 00:02:15,496 Next, on Wildlife Channel. 39 00:02:33,576 --> 00:02:34,808 What up, dawg? Hey. 40 00:02:34,876 --> 00:02:35,643 Hey, Deac. 41 00:02:35,711 --> 00:02:36,711 Carrie! 42 00:02:36,745 --> 00:02:40,012 Hi, Kirby. Look how cute you look. 43 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,514 What brings you by? 44 00:02:41,581 --> 00:02:43,414 You invited us for dinner. 45 00:02:43,482 --> 00:02:46,650 Really? I already ate, but I can get it goin' again. 46 00:02:48,152 --> 00:02:49,519 So, uh, hey, how was practice? 47 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:50,720 Ah, it's brutal. 48 00:02:50,788 --> 00:02:51,997 The only reason I'm coaching this freakin' team 49 00:02:52,021 --> 00:02:54,189 is to get Kirby to play, and he still hates it. 50 00:02:54,256 --> 00:02:57,324 No, no, no, no, no. See, he can't hate football, OK? 51 00:02:57,392 --> 00:02:58,558 He can hate Brussels sprouts, 52 00:02:58,626 --> 00:02:59,726 he can hate white people, 53 00:02:59,793 --> 00:03:01,326 but he can't hate football. 54 00:03:01,394 --> 00:03:03,360 You know, I'll tell you what it is. 55 00:03:03,429 --> 00:03:04,495 Since the divorce, 56 00:03:04,563 --> 00:03:06,396 he spends all his time around women. 57 00:03:06,464 --> 00:03:08,865 I mean, Kelly, her mom, her sister... 58 00:03:08,933 --> 00:03:12,034 They got this boy watchin' Lifetime, man. 59 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,268 That is rough. 60 00:03:15,336 --> 00:03:17,003 Yeah, and Kelly's got him in the choir, 61 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,871 school play, and next summer, 62 00:03:18,939 --> 00:03:21,406 she wants him to go to theater camp. 63 00:03:21,473 --> 00:03:23,141 Theater camp! 64 00:03:23,209 --> 00:03:25,442 If he's gay on his own, I have no problem with that. 65 00:03:25,510 --> 00:03:26,810 But Kelly, she's spiteful. 66 00:03:26,877 --> 00:03:28,978 I think she's pushin' him there. 67 00:03:29,045 --> 00:03:31,746 Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! 68 00:03:33,548 --> 00:03:36,082 OK, I guess the catch is over. 69 00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,018 Hey, maybe you could help me out here. 70 00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,284 How? 71 00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:40,285 Help me coach the team. 72 00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:41,563 I mean, you played some serious ball. 73 00:03:41,587 --> 00:03:43,788 Maybe you can get Kirby fired up about the game. 74 00:03:43,855 --> 00:03:45,656 Practices are Saturday afternoon. 75 00:03:45,723 --> 00:03:46,856 What do you say? 76 00:03:46,924 --> 00:03:50,026 Oh, I don't know, Deac. 77 00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:53,094 It sounds pretty good. It's just that, uh... 78 00:03:56,997 --> 00:03:59,931 I got a lot of stuff goin' on around here. 79 00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:04,067 Daddy, I'm gonna help Carrie cook dinner. 80 00:04:04,135 --> 00:04:07,404 Is it all right if I take off my football costume? 81 00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:11,573 Go ahead. 82 00:04:13,408 --> 00:04:16,009 My son just called his uniform a costume. 83 00:04:16,076 --> 00:04:17,443 Please... help me! 84 00:04:19,045 --> 00:04:20,579 OK, kids, we've got 85 00:04:20,646 --> 00:04:23,180 a really exciting addition to our coaching staff. 86 00:04:23,247 --> 00:04:25,115 Back at St. Gregory's High School 87 00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:27,116 where he was the star running back, 88 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,784 his nicknames included "The H Train,". 89 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:32,719 "Pound Cake," and "Hefferlegs." 90 00:04:32,787 --> 00:04:35,388 He even tried out for the Nassau Rebels semipro team. 91 00:04:35,456 --> 00:04:37,756 Please welcome Coach Heffernan. 92 00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:44,061 Thank you very much, Coach Palmer. 93 00:04:44,128 --> 00:04:46,329 All right. Now, I'm gonna go get the game jerseys. 94 00:04:46,397 --> 00:04:47,740 Coach Heffernan is gonna get you goin', 95 00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:49,198 and I'll be back in a little bit. 96 00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:53,733 All righty. Well, first off, 97 00:04:53,801 --> 00:04:55,402 I already know that Kirby's a stud, 98 00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:56,835 and lookin' at the rest of you, 99 00:04:56,903 --> 00:04:59,671 you look like some pretty tough-nosed S.O.B.'s. 100 00:05:01,273 --> 00:05:02,472 All right. So now it's time 101 00:05:02,541 --> 00:05:05,107 to put the pee back in peewee. 102 00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:07,286 That's how I'm gonna do things around here. 103 00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:08,844 I'm gonna keep it loose and fun. 104 00:05:08,912 --> 00:05:10,111 You're fat. 105 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,779 OK, that's... You know what? 106 00:05:11,847 --> 00:05:13,413 That's a common misconception. 107 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,792 What I like to call this area right here 108 00:05:14,816 --> 00:05:16,348 is a low center of gravity, 109 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,116 which is gonna help you in this sport. 110 00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,352 Did you really ever play football? 111 00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:22,119 Uh, yes. As Coach Palmer just mentioned, 112 00:05:22,187 --> 00:05:23,630 I was very good. I played in high school. 113 00:05:23,654 --> 00:05:25,521 He said you played for the Rebels. 114 00:05:25,589 --> 00:05:27,423 Uh, no. He said I tried out for the Rebels. 115 00:05:27,491 --> 00:05:28,790 So you didn't make the team? 116 00:05:28,858 --> 00:05:29,758 I made the team, 117 00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:31,435 but there were a lot of politics goin' on. 118 00:05:31,459 --> 00:05:32,960 You know, the coach had his favorites, 119 00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,427 and there was a whole locker thing. 120 00:05:34,495 --> 00:05:36,162 Let's discuss our offense, though. 121 00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:38,096 So you quit? I didn't quit, OK? 122 00:05:38,164 --> 00:05:39,631 I had a lot of pressure at the time. 123 00:05:39,697 --> 00:05:41,075 I was getting married, and, you know... 124 00:05:41,099 --> 00:05:42,233 You're fat. 125 00:05:43,668 --> 00:05:45,369 OK, that's it. Take a lap, OK, Rusty? 126 00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:48,703 OK, now, ladies, you ready to talk about football? 127 00:05:48,771 --> 00:05:50,972 'Cause this Saturday, you're gonna be lining up 128 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,840 against the Elmont Chipmunks, and they hate you. 129 00:05:53,908 --> 00:05:54,840 All right, but we're gonna have 130 00:05:54,908 --> 00:05:56,442 a couple tricks up our sleeve. 131 00:05:56,509 --> 00:05:58,910 Now, I know they like to shoot their linebackers wide, 132 00:05:58,978 --> 00:06:00,510 so once we get 'em thinkin' wide, 133 00:06:00,579 --> 00:06:02,546 that's when we run our fullback up the gut. 134 00:06:02,614 --> 00:06:05,347 OK, or we run the option. Who's with me? 135 00:06:10,285 --> 00:06:10,985 OK, you know what? 136 00:06:11,053 --> 00:06:12,952 Maybe it's better if I show you. 137 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:16,455 Blue! 295! Blue! 295! 138 00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:18,223 Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! 139 00:06:23,961 --> 00:06:25,528 Yeah! Oh, yeah! 140 00:06:25,596 --> 00:06:28,663 What's up? 141 00:07:09,224 --> 00:07:10,792 Yeah! 142 00:07:10,859 --> 00:07:12,525 What's up? Whoo-hoo, yeah! 143 00:07:12,593 --> 00:07:16,061 All right! All right! Yeah! 144 00:07:43,581 --> 00:07:47,782 Yeah! All right! Whoo! 145 00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:48,893 What the hell are you doing? 146 00:07:48,917 --> 00:07:50,394 What the hell am I doin'? What am I not doin'? 147 00:07:50,418 --> 00:07:51,819 I'm gaining 17 yards a carry. 148 00:07:51,886 --> 00:07:53,953 I'm threadin' the needle. You should have seen me! 149 00:07:54,021 --> 00:07:57,188 Kirby is sittin' in the minivan listenin' to Dan Fogelberg. 150 00:07:57,256 --> 00:07:59,100 I literally jumped over this little dude's head. 151 00:07:59,124 --> 00:08:01,691 I just, like, choked him! Sorry. I'll take care of it. 152 00:08:01,759 --> 00:08:03,203 Hey, guys, gimme a little of this, all right? 153 00:08:03,227 --> 00:08:04,693 Gimme some of that! 154 00:08:14,834 --> 00:08:20,037 Oh, wow. Sweet minivan, huh? 155 00:08:20,104 --> 00:08:21,672 Whoo! Whatcha got here? 156 00:08:21,739 --> 00:08:23,839 What is this, A... little moose? 157 00:08:23,907 --> 00:08:26,307 Oh, he's chargin'! 158 00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:27,495 All right. We can lose that. 159 00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,143 Here's the thing, Kirby. 160 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,312 You can't just stop playing 161 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,746 in the middle of practice. 162 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:38,382 Mommy said if I wanted to quit the team, I could quit. 163 00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:42,319 Look, when things get tough in life, 164 00:08:42,387 --> 00:08:44,253 you just can't quit. 165 00:08:44,321 --> 00:08:46,621 You gotta strive to make yourself better. 166 00:08:46,689 --> 00:08:49,857 Like Tom Cruise... He's got everything, right? Wrong. 167 00:08:49,924 --> 00:08:50,958 He didn't like his teeth. 168 00:08:51,025 --> 00:08:52,591 So he got braces. 169 00:08:52,659 --> 00:08:55,894 The point is, he didn't give up on his choppers. 170 00:08:57,896 --> 00:08:59,897 And you shouldn't give up on football. 171 00:08:59,965 --> 00:09:01,363 But you quit your team. 172 00:09:01,632 --> 00:09:03,032 The Rebels? No, no, no, no. 173 00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,643 I had to stop. I had an upcoming wedding 174 00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,433 and a coach whose nephew could do no wrong. 175 00:09:06,735 --> 00:09:08,869 If you stopped playing, I can stop, too. 176 00:09:08,937 --> 00:09:10,380 Look, believe me, I didn't wanna stop. 177 00:09:10,404 --> 00:09:11,771 So try out again. 178 00:09:11,838 --> 00:09:13,105 Well, there's... 179 00:09:13,173 --> 00:09:15,373 If you play, I'll play. 180 00:09:15,441 --> 00:09:16,374 That sounds fair. 181 00:09:16,442 --> 00:09:17,442 Yeah. 182 00:09:23,847 --> 00:09:25,446 Hey, babe. How was practice? 183 00:09:25,514 --> 00:09:27,615 It was good. It was fun. 184 00:09:27,682 --> 00:09:30,182 Interesting. What are ya... What are ya makin'? 185 00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:32,752 Well, it was gonna be chicken and Rice-A-Roni, 186 00:09:32,818 --> 00:09:33,952 but I burnt the rice, 187 00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:37,454 so we're lookin' at Chicken-A-Roni. 188 00:09:37,522 --> 00:09:41,058 Hey, you know what I, uh, realized today? 189 00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:42,357 How much I miss football. 190 00:09:42,425 --> 00:09:46,460 You know, how much I miss having it a part of my life. 191 00:09:46,528 --> 00:09:48,238 You mean the 10 hours you watch every Sunday 192 00:09:48,262 --> 00:09:50,163 ain't gettin' it done? 193 00:09:53,033 --> 00:09:55,033 Y-You'd think it would, but no. No. 194 00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,101 No, I'm talkin' about, like, the contact. 195 00:09:57,168 --> 00:09:58,902 The smell of the grass. 196 00:09:58,970 --> 00:10:01,504 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 197 00:10:01,572 --> 00:10:03,438 I'm gonna go get us some Taco Bell. 198 00:10:03,506 --> 00:10:05,239 Uh, you know what? Don't worry about me. 199 00:10:05,306 --> 00:10:06,907 I'm gonna just eat somethin' light. 200 00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:08,541 Apple, maybe. 201 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:15,279 What? You mean, like, apple pie? 202 00:10:15,347 --> 00:10:19,082 No, an apple. I think I just need to start gettin' in better shape. 203 00:10:19,149 --> 00:10:21,450 I thought you wanted to see how big you can get 204 00:10:21,518 --> 00:10:23,685 and still wear jeans. 205 00:10:25,087 --> 00:10:26,430 No, no. I was just thinkin' about what you said, 206 00:10:26,454 --> 00:10:27,864 you know, the other day when I was lyin' on the couch... 207 00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,088 that I should be more active, 208 00:10:29,156 --> 00:10:33,291 and that's why I picked up one of these. 209 00:10:33,359 --> 00:10:36,928 "The Nassau Rebels tryout waiver"? 210 00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:37,694 Yeah, you remember the Rebels. 211 00:10:37,761 --> 00:10:39,295 No. 212 00:10:39,363 --> 00:10:40,683 Sure, you do. It's a semipro team. 213 00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:41,797 I remember the team. 214 00:10:41,865 --> 00:10:45,066 I mean, no, you're not playing football again. 215 00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:49,469 I think I am. 216 00:10:49,536 --> 00:10:51,337 What the hell is going on here, anyway, Doug? 217 00:10:51,405 --> 00:10:52,645 I mean, you spend one afternoon 218 00:10:52,671 --> 00:10:54,182 runnin' around with a bunch of 8-year-olds, 219 00:10:54,206 --> 00:10:56,073 and all of a sudden, you're turning pro? 220 00:10:56,141 --> 00:10:57,351 OK, first of all, it's semipro, 221 00:10:57,375 --> 00:10:59,141 and there are a couple 9-year-olds there, OK? 222 00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:07,380 Look, here's the thing. I promised Kirby I'd play. 223 00:11:07,447 --> 00:11:08,448 Why? 224 00:11:08,515 --> 00:11:11,082 Well, Kirby wanted to quit the team. 225 00:11:11,150 --> 00:11:13,217 So I made a deal with him. 226 00:11:13,285 --> 00:11:16,553 He'll keep on playing if I do this. 227 00:11:16,621 --> 00:11:18,922 Does Kirby know that you're 36 years old 228 00:11:18,989 --> 00:11:21,156 and have a heart flutter? 229 00:11:21,224 --> 00:11:23,959 What... What are you saying? You don't think I can handle it? 230 00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:25,336 Oh, no. Sure, you can play football again, 231 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,260 but why stop there, Doug, hmm? 232 00:11:27,328 --> 00:11:31,129 Why don't you become a superhero... Captain Neckfat? 233 00:11:31,197 --> 00:11:35,533 That's nice. How long you had that one in the holster, huh? 234 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:40,569 You are not playing semiprofessional football. OK? 235 00:11:40,637 --> 00:11:42,338 It is ridiculous. 236 00:11:42,405 --> 00:11:45,105 It's just on the weekends, and believe me, I can handle it. 237 00:11:45,173 --> 00:11:47,073 I played football all my life. 238 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,718 And by the way, you can't just say no, OK? 239 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:49,842 I'll do what I want! 240 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,254 I just need you to sign this, though. 241 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,010 You gotta sign this. 242 00:11:53,078 --> 00:11:54,011 Why? 243 00:11:54,079 --> 00:11:55,146 Spouses need to sign. 244 00:11:55,213 --> 00:11:56,780 A couple wives sued. Whatever. 245 00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,516 "We, the undersigned, hereby waive any claims 246 00:12:01,584 --> 00:12:04,485 "against the Nassau Rebels for any bodily injury, 247 00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:07,053 concussion, paralysis, and/or death." 248 00:12:09,189 --> 00:12:13,391 In case you didn't understand the form, these are all bad. 249 00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:15,458 It's gonna be fine, OK? 250 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,460 I already called Danny. He's gonna train me. 251 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,672 You know, he used to be a personal trainer back in the late eighties. 252 00:12:19,696 --> 00:12:22,797 Oh... well, now I feel much better. 253 00:12:22,865 --> 00:12:25,532 Why didn't you tell me your slightly less fat, 254 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,800 asthmatic cousin was gonna train you? 255 00:12:33,538 --> 00:12:36,139 Look, I am doing this! OK? 256 00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:38,141 Hefferlegs is back in town! 257 00:12:39,943 --> 00:12:41,476 I still need you to sign this, though. 258 00:12:48,382 --> 00:12:49,382 Any back pain? 259 00:12:49,416 --> 00:12:50,349 No. 260 00:12:50,417 --> 00:12:51,349 Arthritis? 261 00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:52,350 No. 262 00:12:52,418 --> 00:12:53,850 Trouble urinating? 263 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,554 Yeah. When I get excited, I pee on the rug. 264 00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:03,535 OK, what are we doin' here? When are we gonna start liftin' weights? 265 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:06,259 Relax, guy. I can't train you unless I know your medical history. 266 00:13:06,326 --> 00:13:07,527 Fine. 267 00:13:07,595 --> 00:13:09,528 Do you suffer from headaches? 268 00:13:09,596 --> 00:13:10,529 No. 269 00:13:10,597 --> 00:13:11,829 Ever had a cardio-bypass 270 00:13:11,897 --> 00:13:13,765 or valve replacement? 271 00:13:15,432 --> 00:13:18,567 If I did, don't you think it would've come up at Thanksgiving? 272 00:13:19,402 --> 00:13:21,702 OK, y-you're fighting me here. 273 00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:24,538 You're not understanding the Danny system. 274 00:13:24,605 --> 00:13:28,541 I'm trying to tailor a specific training program for your needs. 275 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,708 And not just your physical needs. 276 00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:33,210 But I focus on the mental... 277 00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:35,111 the spiritual... 278 00:13:35,179 --> 00:13:36,846 and the emotional. 279 00:13:36,914 --> 00:13:38,547 Let's go, maggot! 280 00:13:38,614 --> 00:13:40,515 Come on... lift it, 281 00:13:40,583 --> 00:13:42,617 you worthless sack of sh... 282 00:13:42,685 --> 00:13:43,984 I don't need to be berated. 283 00:13:45,219 --> 00:13:47,753 I don't need to find my "center." 284 00:13:49,022 --> 00:13:51,489 I don't need to learn the "Navajo way." 285 00:13:51,557 --> 00:13:55,059 I just need you to help me get back in shape. 286 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,358 So you're angry. 287 00:13:56,426 --> 00:13:58,161 Yes. 288 00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,529 Welcome to the Danny system. 289 00:14:02,030 --> 00:14:04,165 What do you say we go build us a better Doug? 290 00:14:09,569 --> 00:14:11,269 Hey, Car. Hey! 291 00:14:11,336 --> 00:14:12,370 Well, is he ready yet? 292 00:14:12,438 --> 00:14:13,937 Oh, he'll be right down. 293 00:14:14,005 --> 00:14:15,885 Why don't you have a cup of coffee and a Danish? 294 00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:17,740 Well, OK. Yeah. Sit down. 295 00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:18,973 Thanks. Yeah. 296 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,508 Here you go, sweetie. 297 00:14:20,575 --> 00:14:21,509 Yeah. All right. 298 00:14:21,576 --> 00:14:22,509 You nice and comfy? 299 00:14:22,576 --> 00:14:23,844 Yeah. Good. 300 00:14:29,148 --> 00:14:31,048 What the hell is wrong with you? 301 00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:32,983 That's for making Doug play football again. 302 00:14:33,051 --> 00:14:34,384 He's gonna get himself killed. 303 00:14:34,452 --> 00:14:35,685 I didn't make him. Oh, oh. 304 00:14:35,753 --> 00:14:36,852 You know what? I expect 305 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,520 this kind of stupidity from Doug. 306 00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:40,355 That's a given. 307 00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,756 But not from you. You should be lookin' out for him. 308 00:14:42,823 --> 00:14:44,057 I do look out for him. 309 00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:46,792 Oh, bull. You're just tryin' to de-gay your son. 310 00:14:48,362 --> 00:14:50,862 All right, fine. I'm not thrilled about things. 311 00:14:50,929 --> 00:14:54,131 But is it so wrong? I mean, is it so wrong for me 312 00:14:54,199 --> 00:14:56,032 to someday want to visit my grandkids 313 00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,967 and not my bachelor son and his 2 cats? 314 00:15:00,602 --> 00:15:03,235 I want you to tell Doug to stop. 315 00:15:04,305 --> 00:15:06,006 You know what? You know, I don't think 316 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:08,007 you should be so against this. I mean, 317 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,051 have you seen your husband lately? He's workin' out. 318 00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,376 He's eatin' right. 319 00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:13,243 I mean, look. He even taped up 320 00:15:13,311 --> 00:15:15,745 this old picture of himself so he can stay motivated. 321 00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:19,147 Now, tell me you wouldn't kill to get him just halfway back to this. 322 00:15:19,215 --> 00:15:21,482 I'm horny just lookin' at the guy. 323 00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:24,183 I don't care how he looks. 324 00:15:24,251 --> 00:15:26,185 I'd rather have him fat than dead. 325 00:15:41,296 --> 00:15:41,961 All right, come on! 326 00:15:42,029 --> 00:15:43,529 You can do it! 327 00:15:43,597 --> 00:15:45,597 One more! Let's go! One more! 328 00:15:45,665 --> 00:15:47,432 That's right. Bring it to mama. 329 00:15:47,499 --> 00:15:48,867 Come on! Come on, now! 330 00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:50,901 Push! OK! Yeah! 331 00:15:50,969 --> 00:15:52,602 Ohhh! Ohh! Come on! 332 00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:54,436 Yeah! Ohhh! 333 00:16:06,245 --> 00:16:07,846 Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. 334 00:16:07,913 --> 00:16:09,280 Up, up, up, up, up, up, up! 335 00:16:09,348 --> 00:16:11,324 Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down. 336 00:16:11,348 --> 00:16:12,482 Down, down, down. 337 00:16:12,549 --> 00:16:14,516 OK. Good, good, good, good, good. That's good. 338 00:16:14,584 --> 00:16:15,695 You take a short break, all right? 339 00:16:15,719 --> 00:16:17,785 I got 300 waitin' for you right over here. 340 00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:18,786 Oh, God. 341 00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:20,220 Hey, man. How's the champ? 342 00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,687 Aw, just another day in St ink town. 343 00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:25,557 I'm gettin' ready to relocate 300 L.B.S. What up? 344 00:16:25,625 --> 00:16:27,492 I just stopped by to say thanks, man. 345 00:16:27,559 --> 00:16:30,694 You really came through for me here. And... And listen, 346 00:16:30,762 --> 00:16:32,605 Kirby made you somethin' to wear at the tryouts tomorrow. 347 00:16:32,629 --> 00:16:35,063 It's a... It's a bandana. See? 348 00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:38,298 With your name on it. You're really, like, his hero, man. 349 00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:41,100 Look, who knows who's a hero for who, you know? 350 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,969 I'm just one man, and... What is that, glitter? I can't wear that. 351 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,204 Come on. 300. Let's go. 352 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:46,038 Come on. 300. 353 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,306 Let's do it! 300, baby. 354 00:16:50,741 --> 00:16:53,509 Ruuuuhhhhh! 355 00:16:53,577 --> 00:16:56,211 Aaaahhhh! 356 00:16:56,279 --> 00:16:57,545 Yeah! 357 00:16:57,613 --> 00:16:58,379 Wow! Whoo! 358 00:16:58,447 --> 00:16:59,447 3 bills. Damn. 359 00:16:59,514 --> 00:17:03,083 Oh, look, who knows who benches what? 360 00:17:03,150 --> 00:17:05,483 Could I bench-press a full-grown deer? 361 00:17:05,551 --> 00:17:08,619 Sure, but it's about the kids. That's really what matters. 362 00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:09,687 Ohhh... Thanks. 363 00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:21,662 What the hell is this? 364 00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:23,162 What the hell's what? 365 00:17:24,765 --> 00:17:26,431 These things are Styrofoam! 366 00:17:26,499 --> 00:17:28,198 Styrofoam? 367 00:17:28,266 --> 00:17:29,767 Uhh... I'll look into that. 368 00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:31,901 Meanwhile, you start banging out some sit-ups. 369 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,769 Why the hell am I liftin' Styrofoam? 370 00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:36,704 Oh, it's just those two. They're my motivators. 371 00:17:36,772 --> 00:17:39,106 Your what? Mo-ti-va-tors? 372 00:17:40,174 --> 00:17:41,941 They build confidence? 373 00:17:42,009 --> 00:17:42,941 What the... So what are you sayin'? 374 00:17:43,009 --> 00:17:45,177 I... I ca... I can't bench 300? 375 00:17:45,245 --> 00:17:46,110 I gotta be honest with you. 376 00:17:46,178 --> 00:17:48,279 I don't think you can bench 200. 377 00:17:48,347 --> 00:17:50,947 But you think you can bench 300. 378 00:17:51,015 --> 00:17:52,515 That's the magic. 379 00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,416 So, what... what about everything else? 380 00:17:53,484 --> 00:17:54,559 What about the 40-yard dash? 381 00:17:54,583 --> 00:17:56,350 I... I didn't really run a 4-8? 382 00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:57,784 No, no. You ran a 4-8. 383 00:17:57,852 --> 00:18:00,286 But it was the 29-yard dash. 384 00:18:00,354 --> 00:18:02,655 Why the hell would you lie to me? 385 00:18:02,723 --> 00:18:03,789 I didn't lie. 386 00:18:03,856 --> 00:18:05,957 I mo-ti-va-ted. 387 00:18:06,025 --> 00:18:08,326 I cannot work like this! 388 00:18:17,532 --> 00:18:19,365 Hey, hon. What are you doin'? 389 00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:21,967 rollin' a ham-and-Swiss doobie. 390 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,736 Doug, you're... You're in training. 391 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,471 Your tryouts are tomorrow. 392 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,638 I'm not tryin' out. 393 00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:28,806 What? 394 00:18:28,873 --> 00:18:30,407 Why? 395 00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:32,174 'Cause Danny lied... about the weights, 396 00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:34,476 how much I was liftin', how fast I was runnin'. 397 00:18:35,545 --> 00:18:36,744 You're right. You know what? 398 00:18:36,812 --> 00:18:38,812 I'm not an athlete anymore. 399 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,680 I am what I am. 400 00:18:56,258 --> 00:18:58,192 But you can't quit! 401 00:18:58,260 --> 00:18:59,592 Why not? Well... 402 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,928 for one thing, you promised little Kirby. 403 00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:04,596 Please. That kid's got Ice-Capades written all over him. 404 00:19:07,332 --> 00:19:08,731 All right, all right, forget Kirby. 405 00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:10,167 But what about you Doug? 406 00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:13,269 You... You can't give up on your dream. You love football. 407 00:19:13,336 --> 00:19:15,313 Yeah. I can still love it from the couch every Sunday. 408 00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:17,337 What the hell do you keep lookin' at? 409 00:19:17,405 --> 00:19:19,272 Our sushi magnet. 410 00:19:21,674 --> 00:19:23,351 No, you weren't. You're lookin' at "Eighties Doug"! 411 00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:24,375 No, I wasn't. 412 00:19:24,410 --> 00:19:26,776 That's why you got on board with all this! 413 00:19:26,844 --> 00:19:29,612 Not to support me! You just don't want me to be fat! 414 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,280 I don't think you're fat. 415 00:19:33,849 --> 00:19:35,327 You don't think I'm fat? Look at you! 416 00:19:35,351 --> 00:19:36,961 You're lookin' at me right now like I'm 2 meals away 417 00:19:36,985 --> 00:19:39,886 from needin' one of those little scooters! 418 00:19:39,954 --> 00:19:41,920 All right, fine, OK? I admit it. 419 00:19:41,988 --> 00:19:45,223 I like you better when you can peel an orange without breakin' a sweat. 420 00:19:46,691 --> 00:19:48,224 At least you're bein' honest. 421 00:19:48,292 --> 00:19:50,226 All right, forget about the pictures, Doug. 422 00:19:50,293 --> 00:19:53,828 This isn't about me. This is... It's about you. 423 00:19:53,895 --> 00:19:56,563 I mean, I gotta tell you... 424 00:19:56,631 --> 00:19:58,041 since this whole football thing started, 425 00:19:58,065 --> 00:19:59,332 you're like a different person. 426 00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:02,066 You're... You're focused, you're committed... 427 00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:03,301 sexy... 428 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,135 yeah, and... 429 00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:09,105 really, you've worked too hard to quit now. 430 00:20:09,173 --> 00:20:12,407 But Danny lied about... Oh, so what? 431 00:20:12,475 --> 00:20:14,509 So the other guys are stronger and faster. 432 00:20:14,576 --> 00:20:17,377 That doesn't make 'em better football players. 433 00:20:17,412 --> 00:20:20,112 Actually, that's exactly what makes 'em better football players. 434 00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:21,913 All right. Yeah. OK. 435 00:20:21,981 --> 00:20:23,948 So you can't lift 300 pounds. 436 00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:27,517 But you're strong, Doug, and football is your game. 437 00:20:28,885 --> 00:20:30,353 I was pretty good. 438 00:20:30,454 --> 00:20:31,820 You are pretty good! 439 00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:34,655 And you know what? You might not make the team tomorrow. 440 00:20:34,723 --> 00:20:37,490 Big deal. But I'll tell you somethin'. 441 00:20:37,558 --> 00:20:39,359 After tomorrow's tryouts, 442 00:20:39,427 --> 00:20:44,295 those guys are gonna know that Doug Heffernan was there! 443 00:20:46,697 --> 00:20:47,764 Ooommmhhh! 444 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,033 Ohhh... God! 445 00:21:02,141 --> 00:21:03,407 Watch out, man. 446 00:21:04,643 --> 00:21:05,809 Aaahh! 447 00:21:05,877 --> 00:21:06,576 Ready! 448 00:21:06,644 --> 00:21:08,544 Hut! 449 00:21:08,612 --> 00:21:10,846 Oh, God. Oh, God! 450 00:21:18,519 --> 00:21:21,953 Daddy, can I quit the football team? 451 00:21:22,021 --> 00:21:23,622 Way ahead of ya. 452 00:21:25,023 --> 00:21:26,123 Guess I'll... 453 00:21:26,190 --> 00:21:27,957 I'll go meet Doug by the car. 454 00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:45,902 What can I get ya? 455 00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:50,005 Um, I'll have a small nonfat yogurt, and... 456 00:21:52,841 --> 00:21:54,841 a bucket of rocky road.