Hey, big man. How was work?
What's this?
My company newsletter.
I.P. Yes.
You might want to give it a little gander.
Oh, honey, do I have to read it now?
Usually I like to draw a bath and light some candles first.
Right here. Read.
"Queens driver closes in on record." You?
Read!
"For over 18 years,
"driver Iggy stenkowski, now retired,
"has held what many considered to be an unbreakable record:
"An astounding 951
consecutive delivery days without incident."
No breakages, late deliveries, or customer complaints.
Ah! Ok.
"But apparently, one man is unintimidated by this record."
"Queens driver Doug Hef..."
"Fernan...
"Has currently 946 straight incident-free days,
"and is due to surpass Iggy's record
on the 18th of this month."
Wow!
So? Still think I'm a miserable failure?
Not as much now.
Congratulations, honey. That is great.
What are you... no! What are you doing?
You don't kiss a guy goin' for a record.
You'll jinx me.
I'm sorry.
Jeez, Louise!
Would you've kissed Mark McGwire
before he broke his record?
Then or any other time.
So, what do you get if you break the record,
a pile of money?
They bronze your shorts?
You laugh, but it just so happens
that I get a plaque on the wall
right where Iggy's is now.
Oh, yeah? Where's that?
On the wall next to the lockers. You've seen it. No, I haven't.
You have.
It's between the soda machine and the forklift safety tips.
It really draws your eye, doesn't it?
Hi.
Good evening, all.
Hi! Hi, Holly. Hi, dad. How was your walk?
Splendid.
So, I see she's got you off-leash now, Arthur, huh?
Douglas, this young lady
may be a professional dog walker,
but she does not walk me.
She's simply my friend and companion.
Sorry.
Can I have my $10 now?
Yeah.
Oh, Arthur, could we change
our Thursday walk to Fridays from now on?
Because scooter really needs Thursdays.
Sure. Scooter's a good egg. Happy to work around him.
Great. So I will see you Friday at 2:00. Ok. Bye, guys.
Bye. See ya.
Bye, Holly.
Bye, ranger.
Cocoa, stay off that paw.
Dad, I'm ordering in tonight.
Do you wanna nap until the food comes?
Actually, I was hoping you and I
might get in a game or 2 of scrabble.
The tournament at the seniors' center
starts next week, you know.
I told you I am not playing in that tournament with you.
You said you'd think it over.
No. My exact words were, "not even at gunpoint."
I'm shocked at your reaction to this, darling.
When you were a teenager,
we had such fun in those tournaments.
Fun? It was hell. It was heaven.
Hell! Heaven!
No, it wasn't!
Dad, it was like every word on the scrabble board
would remind you of some ridiculous story.
Then I'd lose my temper, we'd have a huge fight,
and we wouldn't talk for days.
It's called bonding.
I'm not playing.
Fine. Then I'll just head downstairs till dinner.
I could use a good cry.
Read it one more time.
Hey, Doug. Doing a little piece
on your streak for the I.P.S. Website.
You got a minute? Yeah, sure.
So, you're 3 days away from breaking Iggy's record.
You feeling ok?
Well, the truth is,
I'm not really thinking about the record.
You know, I'm just taking it one package at a time.
You see, it's not... It's not about me.
It's really about what's best for the company, the team.
There is no "I" in I.P.S. Um...
Actually, there is, right in the beginning.
Clean that up for me, would you, Tim?
Yeah. You got it.
The thing about records is they come and they...
Got all I need. Thanks.
Ok.
Lenny, do me a favor and toss me a packet of sugar?
Me? Nah. I'm not the perfect delivery man,
you are, Heffernan. I might damage it.
Better get your own sugar.
Yeah. And you might wanna give sweet 'n' low a shot.
Pretty happy with yourself, huh?
Uh, uh, no. Not... N-not really.
I never even heard of you till yesterday.
Really? We're 3 lockers apart.
Come on, Duke. Let's get a beer.
What the hell's up with these guys?
I don't know.
The old-timers, man. They think they own the place.
Yeah, I guess. Catch you later.
Hey, don't worry about those guys, Heffernan.
They're probably just upset because
they used to drive with Iggy.
You know, back in the day when this place
could barely keep its doors open from one day to the next.
Maybe they're just remembering
how a guy like Iggy used to have to scrounge
for spare parts in the junkyard
in order to keep his truck moving
when it wanted to roll over and die.
Maybe they're... maybe they're
remembering the look on people's faces
when they'd open up their front doors
see one of our drivers in their strange little shorts,
and they'd say, "you're not the mailman."
And a guy like Iggy would muster up a smile,
even though he'd been working a 12-hour shift in a blizzard.
Or maybe they remember that sadistic little midget
that used to run this joint.
And how he was ready to fire a young driver named
Patrick O'Boyle.
Just because he double-parked in front of an E.R.
And how Iggy just marched right into that office,
and he said, "you give that kid another chance."
Maybe they're just remembering that that's the kind of guy
that Iggy was.
Maybe that's why they're upset, Doug.
Typist. 18 points.
Oh, good one. Ok, my turn.
Funny story. Did you know
I once worked as a typist for mayor Abe be a me?
No.
Hey, guys.
Hi!
What's going on, a little scrabble action?
Yeah. Your dad asked me to play in a tournament with him.
Can you believe it?
Gee! Well, that's great!
Good for you!
Yeah. I was so touched.
I mean, the last time I played a board game,
it was candy land, and I sucked at it.
Which is weird because I love candy.
Well, whatever. Whatever.
The point is you're together playing. God bless.
We're in the middle of a game. Do you mind?
Sorry.
Anyway, back to my story.
Mayor be a me was a tiny man,
and part of my job involved lifting him up
so he could look out the window.
Hey, Deac'. Grabbing lunch?
Uh, yeah. I'm heading over to Charlie's.
Why, you wanna come?
No. I'm taking my time with these babies.
Right. Hey, do me a favor.
Bring me back a cheese steak with, uh, extra green peppers.
I'm not doing that, man.
Why not?
Because Charlie gets an attitude
when you ask for extra stuff.
I don't wanna get on his bad side over your sandwich.
But you always ask him for no onions.
Yeah. No onions. You see, that's onions he gets to keep.
Extra peppers are peppers he loses. Don't you know math?
Fine. All right. Well, help me out
so I can go with you, all right? Right there.
Fine. Here.
Gee, guy. Are you nuts, man?
I got a streak going.
Oh, right. You have a streak going, don't you?
Just like I had a streak going when you tossed me
that package of crystalware on December 17, 1998.
What?
That's right. See, I had 681 days, no incidents...
Then, bam! Back to zero!
Oh, my God! You... you caught that box, remember?
Then you slipped in a grease puddle.
Yeah, I slipped because I was startled by the toss.
You winged that thing at my head, brother.
It was a gentle lob! And besides,
you wouldn't have gotten the record anyway
'cause you've had at least 10 incidents.
Yeah, because once the streak ended,
it was hard for me to care in the same way.
Something died in me that day, man.
You know what? I'm outta here, man.
Aw, Deac', I... Come on, Deac'. Come back.
Hey, Doug. One more quest for the website.
Would you leave me alone? I don't feel like talking to the media right now.
Radio.
10 points.
Oh! Good one! Ok. My turn.
Can I help you?
Oh, no. I'm just here to pick up my father.
I-I'll just wait here. Thank you.
Know why I chose the word "radio"?
True story.
You're looking at the 42nd infantry's top radioman
during the battle of the bulge.
I didn't start out in communications, mind you,
but the commander of the 42nd noticed
I was very good with tiny knobs...
That's when I learned that making personal calls
in the heat of battle can cost lives.
Oh, what a funny story. I love this guy.
And I came up with the word "fix" for 26 points.
Bravo! Bravo!
Thank you. Thank you.
I have to go to the little girls' room. Excuse me.
Oh, hi, Carrie!
Oh, my gosh. Is it 4:00 already?
It feels like we just started playing.
Yep, it's 4:00. You're free.
Listen, don't forget to, uh, write down
all the hours you've been doing this
so we know how much to pay you.
Pay me? No.
Yeah. I mean, are you kidding me?
I should be paying you double.
I used to play scrabble with the guy.
I know it can be brutal.
You know what I'm saying.
Carrie, I could never accept money for this.
I mean, I love playing with your dad.
Really?
Yeah! He's so sweet and... and funny...
And just... just a joy to be with.
Really?
And at no point have you wanted
to put a letter opener through your eye?
No. No. But I'll watch out for that.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's coming.
Roger maris.
You named your hand Roger maris?
No. Hair. My hair's falling out.
Just like his did when he was chasing after the babe.
Well, whatever you do, don't go spraying.
It's the stress, Carrie.
From the stupid streak.
The old guys, they hate me now
'cause I might break Iggy's record. You believe that?
And... and Deacon, 3 years ago, I lobbed him a package,
and all of a sudden, I'm stealing the record from him.
I'll tell ya, I... I am losing it.
You know, I can't sleep. I... I can't eat.
Well, I can eat, but not as fast.
I don't know, maybe I should
just break a package on purpose
and be done with all this.
Are you even listening to me?
Yeah. Yeah, y-y-you can eat fast.
I'm talking about my streak.
Well, I'm sorry, Doug.
I have my mind on my own problem right now,
which... which, no offense, is a little more important.
What is it?
Holly is not charging us
to play scrabble with my father because, get this,
she enjoys it.
That's more important?
Yes! She enjoys his stories
and his jokes and... and him!
She enjoys him!
After all these years,
I thought my dad was the problem in our relationship,
but now I'm wondering, is it me?
Is he a great guy to be around,
and I just don't get it?
You know what? That's a problem,
but not a huge problem. I have a huge problem.
Not huge.
I'm going for a delivery record
that I don't even know if I want.
I may not love my father!
So? You and your father are both gonna die someday.
There'll be no record of either of you.
That plaque near the soda machine is forever!
Ok. How 'bout this?
You listen to me for 5 minutes,
and I will listen to you for 5 minutes, ok?
All right. Ok. Fine.
All right, here's the question.
Am I a bad daughter?
Should I be more patient and tolerant of my father?
I mean, because I try, but he always...
You're not listening to me, are you?
Sorry. I drifted off. Can we do me first?
I can focus better on you if I know I'm already done.
No! No! If we do you first,
then you won't have any reason to listen to me.
Yeah, well, we've arrived at quite a stalemate, haven't we?
Yes, we have, which is really stupid,
because my problem is more important anyway!
You know what? You are a bad daughter.
Your father is awesome!
Really? Well, Iggy was 10 times the driver you are.
Why do we do this to each other?
I don't know.
Oh! Good! Holly.
Hi, Carrie. Your dad just went down for a nap.
He and ranger were chasing each other
around the park all afternoon.
Great. Um, do you... do you have a sec?
Oh, sure.
Here. Sit. Sit. Ok.
You fellas are welcome to sit, too.
That's what you dogs do.
You sit. You sit. That's what you do. You sit.
So what's up?
Yeah, um, it's about the scrabble tournament tomorrow.
You, uh... There's one more day, right?
Yeah. The... the final round is tomorrow. Oh!
Oh! Listen, um, it's been so nice of you
to play with my dad in that.
Really, so nice. But I-I-I've been thinking.
I don't want to impose on you anymore,
so I'll just play with my dad tomorrow.
Oh, Carrie, no, no, no, no. It's fine, really.
I don't mind. I'll keep playing.
Oh, listen to you.
You are so great.
But no, I'll do it. It's all right.
Oh, no. It's so easy for me.
I mean, I really love spending time with Arthur.
Hello? Daughter. Can't get enough of the guy.
Oh, no, it's just... Ok, it's just...
You said that playing scrabble with him was brutal. I was...
What are you getting at, hol', that I don't love my father?
Oh, no. You misunderstood me. I... I was...
Oh, ok. So now I don't have the ability
to understand or to love. Wow! Ok.
No! Carrie, that's not...
Listen, listen.
I'm his daughter, ok? And I... I love him,
so I'm just gonna play in the tournament with him, ok?
So thank you. Have a nice day. And I love him.
I'm not the perfect driver you are, Heffernan.
Pretty happy with yourself, huh?
That's the kind of guy Iggy was.
I had 681 days, no incidents.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of the honey-baked ham.
Oh! My Christmas ornaments have arrived!
Young man, are you all right?
Wait. What...
What was I thinking?
This isn't about me and my stupid record,
it's about you.
You!
Florence Merriweather.
You're the reason we do all this.
You know, I'm gonna break that damn record tomorrow,
and I'm gonna do it for you!
This is yours. Just need you to sign now.
Hey! Hey.
Hello? Anybody up there?
Yeah.
I.P.S. Got a package you.
So?
Well, they just painted the stairs.
Could you meet me at the front entrance?
Nah. That's way round on the other side of the building.
Just toss it up to me.
It's fluorescent light bulbs.
Well, they ain't mine.
Just toss it up.
I... I... I really don't want to do that.
Listen, douche, are you gonna toss it up,
or am I gonna have to call your supervisor?
That was the day I decided I would never wear another...
Ascot.
Yeah.
Great story, dad.
Thank you.
This guy is something, huh, my pop?
Love him. I am lovin' me some pop.
Ok. Here's my word.
Pus.
11 points.
Pus, huh. Good word.
Ok.
My turn.
Pus.
Funny story about pus.
Shut up!
Thanks for a great tournament.
Yeah? Well, same to you, pal.
So, we playing again next year?
I'll be there.
Wonder where Heffernan is.
I don't know. He should've clocked in by now.
No incidents.
Sandwich truck.
Hey, what's up? What's going on?
New soda machine. Old one broke.