1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:03,569 Tonight on 22 minutes , when beer just won't cut it, 2 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,237 The anti-vaxxer's weakness, 3 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,972 Up close and personal, and 4 00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:08,907 Something to be thankful for. 5 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,776 22 minutes starts now. 6 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:15,247 ♪ [theme] 7 00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:19,518 ♪ ♪ 8 00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:23,388 [cheers and applause] 9 00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,591 Well, vaccine passports are here, 10 00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:28,394 So I spent the weekend scrolling through my screen shots 11 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,397 Before accidentally showing a moxie's waitress my nudes. 12 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,731 [audience laughter] 13 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,334 Yes, provinces are rolling out their vaccine passports. 14 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,870 Nova scotia is using the canimmunize app, 15 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,073 Quebec has an app called vaxicode, 16 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:44,709 And p.E.I.'s is just a potato with "yup" written on it. 17 00:00:44,779 --> 00:00:46,411 [audience laughter] 18 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,882 In alberta, it's called a restrictions exemption program. 19 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:53,051 How stupid does jason kenney think albertans are? 20 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,288 "uh, no, it's not a passport. 21 00:00:56,290 --> 00:01:00,292 It's a yeah-hoo freedom pass for hot cowboys". 22 00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:03,228 You can tell alberta is serious about their freedom 23 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:05,831 Because their passport is an unlocked pdf. 24 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:09,501 You're free to edit, which is how this person changed theirs 25 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:13,304 To say their name was fakus mcfakeface. 26 00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,907 Jason kenney responded by immediately naming 27 00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:19,912 Fakus mcfakeface his new health minister. 28 00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:21,779 And then there's ontario. 29 00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:24,383 Whereas b.C. And quebec hired developers to come up with 30 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,586 Sexy looking apps, ontario decided to make theirs in-house, 31 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,123 Which is why it looks like a coupon your husband gives you 32 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,391 For free back rubs. 33 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,994 To be fair, it is better than the first passports 34 00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:39,297 Doug ford printed himself that said "bofe vaxeems". 35 00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:42,668 [audience laughter] 36 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,737 While passports have made vaccination rates go up, 37 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,472 Not everyone is sold on them 38 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,340 And some people are really digging in. 39 00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:50,676 Take a look. 40 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,811 Baa-aa-aa-aa! 41 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,080 Baa-aa-aa-aa! 42 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,149 Look at all the sheep. 43 00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,585 The government is controlling you. 44 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,288 The vaccine passports are taking away our freedoms. 45 00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:06,758 That's right. The government! No-wuh! 46 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,927 Hey, we're trying to have a nice dinner out. 47 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,430 I haven't been to a restaurant in quite some time. 48 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,564 Sort of miss it. 49 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:13,765 You know, if you got a vaccine passport, 50 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:14,900 You could come in. 51 00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,236 Well, I don't have one of those because I didn't 52 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,637 Get one of those! 53 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,439 And I will never get one of those. 54 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:24,209 Those look really, really good. Sort of golden brown. 55 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,111 Mind if I have just a little nibby there. 56 00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:27,312 You can't have a nibby. 57 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,481 Ok, well, then just describe it and let me eat your words. 58 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:30,582 -No. -Then waft it. 59 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,050 Hit me with a really good waft. 60 00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:33,919 We're not going to waft you. Just go get vaccinated. 61 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,455 No way, sheep. I'll never get vaccinated. 62 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,524 I don't need this -- are those calamari? 63 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,326 Ohhh, hoo-hoo, that looks really good. 64 00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:43,061 Squirt that lemon all over it. 65 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:44,729 No, no, get citrus on every bite. 66 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,465 You're going to have uneven lemon distribution. 67 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:47,365 I like doing it this way. 68 00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:49,000 -Just go away. - No, 69 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,536 I don't need this restaurant anyway. That's right. 70 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,372 Is that as sizzling fajita plate? 71 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,273 Ok, I'll make you a deal. 72 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,342 I'll get one dose of the vaccine for 73 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,311 One bite of that sizzling fajita plate. 74 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,079 Does that come with guac? 75 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:02,314 Guac is extra. 76 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,483 Deal's off! I tried! Nope. 77 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:06,251 I'm not going to pump my veins full of poison. 78 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,119 Hey, can we get this guy out of here? 79 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:09,688 -Yeah, you guys just -- -all right, buddy, let's go. 80 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,723 No, no, just make sure that you enjoy the meal, ok? 81 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:15,327 Just take the time to stop and relax and let an 82 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,427 Unvaccinated guy eat -- 83 00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:17,562 -No! -Hey! 84 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:20,265 Order me a margarita just so I can smell it. 85 00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:22,701 Come on, get your vaccinated hands off me. 86 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,503 ♪ ♪ 87 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,639 According to a new poll, 82 per cent of ndp voters 88 00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:29,841 Want jagmeet singh to be their party leader, 89 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,577 While 82 per cent of liberal voters want jagmeet singh 90 00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,380 To be their party leader. 91 00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:36,781 The royals attended the premiere 92 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,517 Of the new james bond film, "no time to die", 93 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:42,186 Which also happens to be the queen's motto. 94 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:45,857 [audience laughter] 95 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:48,860 -She's 407 years old. -She's 400 at least, yeah. 96 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:52,397 According to stats canada, new brunswick's population 97 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,866 Grew faster than the national average last year. 98 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:57,135 Might have something to do with new brunswick's new 99 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,736 Highway welcome signs that read, 100 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:02,407 "new brunswick, now you can't leave". 101 00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:04,943 Tim hortons is releasing a clothing line. 102 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,878 And if their threads are as good as their coffee, 103 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,148 I'll double double pass. 104 00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:13,418 Last week it was reported that a nova scotian cocaine smuggler 105 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,754 Stole two boats and sailed into a hurricane 106 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,422 In order to flee the police. 107 00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,024 Read all about it in my new book, 108 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:22,894 "trent mcclellan's coke boat adventure". 109 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:26,030 A.I. Can now predict if it's going to rain in two hours, 110 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:29,768 Which means technology is as advanced as my grandma's bones. 111 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,371 [audience laughter] 112 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:36,107 Will smith has admitted to wanting a harem of girlfriends. 113 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,443 He wants one girlfriend for chillin' out, 114 00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:40,979 One for maxin', one for relaxin' all cool, 115 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,381 And a fourth one for shootin' some b-ball 116 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,116 Outside of the school. 117 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,219 [audience laughter] 118 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:50,322 Katie! Hey! 119 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:51,456 Hey, you! 120 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,891 Oh! 121 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,726 Oh, right, yeah. We doing this? 122 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,328 Oh, yeah. 123 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:57,562 [chuckling] 124 00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:00,398 Well, you know, I've actually been doing this. 125 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:01,366 Oh. 126 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,668 I'm vaxxed, so. 127 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,069 I'm vaxxed. We can do this. 128 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,236 -We can do this. -All right. 129 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,238 -Ok. -We doing this? 130 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:07,472 -Let's do this. -We're doing this. 131 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,140 -We're doing this. Ok. -Ok. 132 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,076 Aww. We're doing. 133 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:12,410 We're doing this. 134 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,745 We're doing... 135 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,514 We're doing... This. 136 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,583 ♪ [romantic] 137 00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:19,885 Are we doing this? 138 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,486 I could do this. 139 00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:23,021 Both: We're doing this. 140 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,489 Both: I could do this. 141 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,559 Mmm, we're doing this. 142 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:28,426 Mmmm! 143 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,627 I could do this right in the park. 144 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:30,929 -Me too. -Ok. 145 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,232 Vaxxed and tested and ready to do this. 146 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:40,706 [moaning] 147 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:44,642 We're back, baby! Yes! 148 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,310 [ra-ta-tat] 149 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:48,113 Last week saw the first ever 150 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,515 National day for truth and reconciliation, 151 00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:53,051 A day created by the trudeau government. 152 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,920 It was intended to be a day of quiet reflection. 153 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,989 So how did the prime minister mark it? 154 00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,724 Well, his official itinerary said 155 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,526 He was in ottawa for private meetings. 156 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,594 But global news 157 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:05,330 Found him vacationing on a beach in tofino. 158 00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:06,331 Take a look. 159 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:12,069 I'm on air again joking about a justin trudeau vacation scandal, 160 00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:15,072 So things are finally getting back to normal. 161 00:06:15,109 --> 00:06:17,542 Trudeau got back to work and in true trudeau 162 00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,545 Fashion, back to work meant back to vacation. 163 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,882 Justin, the day is meant to focus on reconciliation, not 164 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,750 Wreck beach. 165 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,286 A day of reflection doesn't mean looking at your reflection 166 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,555 And wondering, "am I beach bod ready?". 167 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:33,458 I haven't seen someone run away from a camera like that since 168 00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:35,560 To catch a predator was cancelled. 169 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,296 To make matters worse, he isn't even wearing an orange shirt. 170 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,165 But at least he is wearing a shirt. 171 00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,769 Lots of canadians were upset. 172 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:47,105 Breakfast television showed more respect 173 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:49,241 To the day of truth and reconciliation 174 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,642 Than our prime minister. 175 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,111 You know you messed up when breakfast television 176 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,846 Is pissed at you. 177 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,849 And yes, we all deserve to spend a day of fun with our family. 178 00:06:57,885 --> 00:07:00,785 Just maybe not on the day you chose to reflect on 179 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,521 The indigenous children who were taken from their families. 180 00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,323 It's not like you didn't have options. 181 00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:07,592 Chief rosanne casimir invited trudeau 182 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,461 To attend a ceremony near kamloops, 183 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:11,629 Where the remains of over 200 children 184 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,398 Were discovered buried in may. 185 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:16,934 An event he not only skipped, but flew directly over. 186 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,136 The prime minister's official itinerary was 187 00:07:19,173 --> 00:07:23,007 Eventually updated to show he was on vacation in tofino. 188 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,544 So I guess there was eventually some truth. 189 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,145 An attempt at reconciliation came Sunday, 190 00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:30,615 When trudeau pulled a trudeau and apologized. 191 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,184 But we will never have reconciliation 192 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:36,420 By just talking the talk. We need to walk the walk, 193 00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:39,157 And by "the walk", I don't mean this one. 194 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,692 [applause] 195 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:44,362 ♪ [theme] 196 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,964 A new poll found alberta premier jason kenney has 197 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,767 An 11 per cent approval rating. 198 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,969 Wow, he's less popular in alberta than 199 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,372 Pierre trudeau wearing a "flames suck" t-shirt. 200 00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,975 This is after kenney said the pandemic was over 201 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,110 And that the province was open for the summer. 202 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,112 And now the icus are fuller than a 203 00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:03,548 Porta potti at the stampede. 204 00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,985 Things are so bad, newfoundland is sending doctors to help. 205 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,120 It's like doctors without borders, except it's 206 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,856 Doctors with eight brudders. 207 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,659 Never in my life did I think the problem in alberta was 208 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,595 Not enough newfoundlanders. 209 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:17,996 That's like saying the problem with 210 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,732 Banff is not enough australians. 211 00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,201 You know these doctors are going to show up with a bottle of rum 212 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:26,671 And a cod in a cooler like, "where's the covid at?" 213 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:30,242 Rest assured, the newfoundland doctors will save the day, 214 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,610 But it's going to take them a while to get there because 215 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,679 They're coming by ferry. 216 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,881 So albertans, stay where you're to 217 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,883 'til they comes where you're at. 218 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,152 [cheers and applause] 219 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,688 Announcer: Ever wish those holiday family dinners 220 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,523 Would go a bit more smoothly? 221 00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,859 Now they can with thanksgiving uncles. 222 00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:50,228 When you hire from us, you get an uncle with 223 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,364 No strong opinions, no prejudices, and 224 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:56,901 Just the right brand of bland for your table. 225 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,837 Each uncle comes pre-stocked with inoffensive phrases like... 226 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,173 I guess I can see both sides on that one. 227 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,310 You know, it takes all kinds. 228 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:08,380 My opinion is that issue is a steaming cup... 229 00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,847 ..Of none-of-my-business. 230 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,584 Announcer: Instead of hot takes and conspiracy theories, 231 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:15,553 It's warm smiles and tasty stuffing. 232 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,355 So what do we think about all this immigration? 233 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,923 Immigration? 234 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,726 I'd say that's folks going from one country to another. 235 00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,995 Boy howdy. [chuckles] 236 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:27,065 Announcer: Order now, and as a bonus, your new uncle will 237 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,267 Respond and change the subject in the blink of an eye. 238 00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:32,804 Me, I don't really follow politics too closely. 239 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:36,808 Mary, these mashed potatoes are absolutely criminal. 240 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:39,411 Mmm! You guys have tried the mashed potatoes, huh? 241 00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:41,613 Hmm, reproductive rights, huh? 242 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:44,416 I'll tell you what I am pro-choice on: 243 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,751 Choosing more of these roles. [laughs] 244 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,020 Announcer: Our thanksgiving uncles skillfully handle 245 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,322 Any conversation without offending, 246 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,091 Whether the stakes are big or small. 247 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:56,961 You can't be serious. They've won 24 stanley cups. 248 00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,429 How many in this millennium? 249 00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,031 What do you think? Leafs or habs? 250 00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:03,668 Me? I just love a well-played game of hockey. 251 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,105 Announcer: Thanksgiving uncles, 252 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,775 From the makers of picnic grandmas. 253 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:11,977 [ra-ta-tat] 254 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,181 ♪ [theme] 255 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,582 [cheers and applause] 256 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,252 A reliable source says pop singer shakira 257 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,855 Was attacked by wild boars in barcelona. 258 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,524 The reliable source: Her hips. 259 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,527 [audience laughter] 260 00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:32,063 Singer shakira walked away unscathed 261 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,799 From a wild boar attack in Spain this week. 262 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,936 Apparently, the boar appeared after hearing its mating call. 263 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:40,472 [shakira impression] ♪ lelo lo le lo le! ♪ 264 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:41,739 [audience laughter] 265 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,876 A conservation officer in newfoundland spent three hours 266 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,877 Saving seven beached whales. 267 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,546 They're calling it an orgy 268 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:51,149 Because there were so many free willies. 269 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,084 [audience laughter] 270 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,887 [chatter and laughter] 271 00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,889 You having fun, honey? 272 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,090 Oh, yeah. 273 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,493 Jerry's got this incredible story about a photocopier. 274 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,927 Oh yeah, that's great. 275 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,429 So I just wanted to let you know 276 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,964 That we're going to be fighting later. 277 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,565 What? 278 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,534 Oh yeah, big fight. 279 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,902 What did I do? 280 00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,170 You know. 281 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,504 I don't know. 282 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,907 Well, all will be made clear when we get in the car. 283 00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,041 It's something trivial, 284 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:18,777 But I've decided to blow it out of proportion. 285 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,412 All right. Well, maybe we could just resolve this right now. 286 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:25,116 I don't want to fight in public. I just want to stew in public. 287 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,518 So have fun while you can, 288 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:30,855 Because the second the car door closes, I will be unleashing 289 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,257 A fury on you that you know not of, brian. 290 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,525 Samantha. 291 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,662 ♪ [sinister] I will be everywhere. 292 00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:40,999 Hi! Oh my god. 293 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,633 [party music plays, glasses clink] 294 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,803 That's when I knew I had to scan the document. 295 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,405 [laughs] you would. 296 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,874 [soft whisper] your ass is grass. 297 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:50,608 [soft whisper] what? 298 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,977 [loud whisper] your ass is grass. 299 00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:56,915 [laughter] 300 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,184 Are you ok, brian? 301 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,418 Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. I am not leaving 302 00:12:01,455 --> 00:12:04,155 Until I've tried every one of these hors d'oeuvres. 303 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,690 I mean it. I'm not leaving. 304 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:09,294 Don't choke. We got to fight later. 305 00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:15,033 Don't go. Stay here. Don't go. 306 00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:20,171 Karl, the party's not over yet. There's still more party! 307 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,539 You know, brian, we really should think about 308 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:22,307 Heading out ourselves. 309 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:23,174 No, no, 310 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,376 Jerry, tell that photocopier story. 311 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,944 Sorry, dude, we got to work in the morning. 312 00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,980 You got to keep the party going. 313 00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:30,982 Jesus, brian, do we have to stage an intervention? 314 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,984 Samantha said we're going to fight later. 315 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:36,487 Oooh! Way to throw samantha under the bus, brian. 316 00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:38,122 I don't know what we're fighting about. 317 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:40,525 Whatever it was, it's about this now. 318 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,759 Mm-hmm. 319 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:44,796 You know, the subaru 's all warmed up for us to fight in. 320 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,597 I want to thank you so much for having us. 321 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:47,799 It truly was a wonderful night. 322 00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,934 Samantha, come on! 323 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,803 -Keep walking. -Have fun, you two. 324 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,271 You ready to fight? 325 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,273 What did I do? 326 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,041 ♪ ♪ 327 00:12:57,077 --> 00:13:00,077 Last week in a tim hortons a former ppc candidate, 328 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,213 And need I say anti-vaxxer, 329 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:06,217 Staged what he called a sit-in against segregation. 330 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:10,154 This is our rosa parks moment. 331 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:13,825 So I will sit in this restaurant like these other people here, 332 00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:16,627 You know, stand on my right as a free man. 333 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:19,163 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Question for you, dude. 334 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,899 Were you allowed to sit wherever you wanted? 335 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,302 Then you're not rosa parks! 336 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,571 You're more like roseanne barr. 337 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,239 Exactly. 338 00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:31,042 This is yet another example of anti-vaccination groups 339 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:34,846 Co-opting social justice language for their loser cause. 340 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,513 They're comparing the civil rights movement 341 00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:38,649 To being denied apple fritters. 342 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:40,517 To quote martin luther king junior, 343 00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:43,454 "what the actual hell?" 344 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:46,858 Anti-vaxxers are also using the phrase, "my body, my choice." 345 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,793 It's not the same thing, morons! 346 00:13:48,928 --> 00:13:52,196 You can't catch baby from a pregnant woman coughing on you. 347 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:55,132 Babies come from a mommy and a daddy 348 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,135 Having a three-way with a stork. 349 00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,403 But tell that to texas senator and 350 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,073 Virgin wolverine ted cruz, who supported 351 00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:04,141 Anti-vax nba players by tweeting 352 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:08,279 "your body your choice" after his state just banned abortion. 353 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,548 I wish he was here so my body could choose 354 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,617 To pop him like a zit. 355 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,885 We cannot let anti-vaxxers 356 00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:16,754 Get away with this dumb bull crap! 357 00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:18,222 Whoa! Language. 358 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:20,691 I'm sorry. I'm just all fired up. 359 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,894 It's like they're equating black lives matter with 360 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:26,564 "bring back the mcrib." it's not the same thing! 361 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,099 You're right. I mean, these people need to 362 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,234 Slither home, pour themselves a nice, 363 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:33,571 Tall glass of horse dewormer and come up with their own slogans. 364 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,573 You know, something catchy like, 365 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,643 "we're here. We're dumb. Get used to it!" 366 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:42,847 Or "being difficult is my entire personality!" 367 00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:45,116 Or "I'd like to speak to the manager -- 368 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,051 Oh, no, I've died." 369 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,188 And as a general rule, if you're ever tempted 370 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,857 To call yourself rosa parks, just take a seat 371 00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:54,258 In the back. 372 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,193 Mm-hmm. 373 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:59,930 [applause] 374 00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:03,267 After my internship at wetzel's pretzels, 375 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:08,206 I then went on to co-manage a bank... Rupt wetzel's pretzels. 376 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,608 I'm sorry. You just don't have 377 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,411 Enough experience for a job here at nasa. 378 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:17,481 This never would have happened if my hair was different. 379 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,884 [plays rock riff] woo! Gee-tah! 380 00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:21,819 Hi, I'm bonnie raitt. 381 00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,821 Are you a natural redhead 382 00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:25,890 Who wants to be treated less like a girl 383 00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:29,159 And more like the distinguished adult woman you are? 384 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:33,431 Then try l'oreal 's "huge hunk of white in the front". 385 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,366 A huge hunk of white in the front 386 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:39,770 Lets us redheads command the respect we deserve. 387 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,105 Astronaut brian? 388 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,473 Yes, astronaut craig. 389 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,042 Meet your new boss. 390 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:50,114 ♪ ♪ 391 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:54,618 It's one small step for man, one giant streak on your head. 392 00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,521 Thanks, l'oreal. 393 00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,992 ♪ lt's give 'em something to talk about ♪ 394 00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:04,729 How about a huge hunk of white in the front? 395 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:07,465 Announcer: Available in bonnie raitt 396 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,066 And arlene dickinson. 397 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:09,968 [ra-ta-tat] 398 00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:14,204 ♪ [theme] 399 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,607 [cheers and applause] 400 00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:21,011 Last week, 39 workers trapped in a sudbury mine were all rescued. 401 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,946 Which brings us to our next segment: 402 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:26,750 For the love of god, stay out of the damn mines! 403 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,153 Why are we still down in the mines? 404 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,355 At this point we know what mines are up to. 405 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:34,192 They're holes in the ground that want to eat us. 406 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:37,695 And for what? Nickel? It's sudbury. 407 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,298 How about before you journey to the centre of the earth you guys 408 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:43,701 Cut off a slice of the big nickel you keep as a brag? 409 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,838 All in all, it took a crowd of volunteers, workers, 410 00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,707 And mine rescue officers to bring them to safety. 411 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,243 Heather hiscox: They were climbing from this incredible 412 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:55,646 Depth of, you know, two cn towers was what we were 413 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,815 Talking about. 1,200 meters down. 414 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,650 Two cn towers? 415 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,920 Why do we always measure things in canadian icons? 416 00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:05,390 Like me, for example. I'm not six three. 417 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,324 I'm one and a half ron jameses. 418 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,393 [audience laughter] 419 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,663 But not every story has a happy ending, 420 00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:16,334 As all 39 of the rescued miners are now trapped 421 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,803 In sudbury, ontario. 422 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,071 Thoughts and prayers. 423 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,338 Yes. 424 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,142 Announcer: And now raine maida from our lady peace 425 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,077 Sings the alphabet. 426 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,212 ♪ [tune of "superman's dead"] 427 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,881 ♪ a, b, c, d, e, f, g ♪ 428 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,151 ♪ h, I, j, k, l ♪ 429 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:36,020 ♪ m, n, o, p-hee ♪ 430 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,089 ♪ q, r, s, and t ♪ 431 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,825 ♪ u, and v ♪ 432 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,760 ♪ w, x ♪ 433 00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:48,566 ♪ and I'm thinkin' y-ee-I-ee-I-ee, yeah, 434 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,501 And then zed ♪ 435 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:51,903 ♪ aiieeeeee ♪ 436 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,706 ♪ now I know my abcs, next time sing with me ♪ 437 00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:58,242 Announcer: That was raine maida from our lady peace 438 00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:00,110 Singing the alphabet. 439 00:18:00,146 --> 00:18:01,279 ♪ ♪ 440 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:03,881 What's on your mind? 441 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,250 I don't like beer anymore. 442 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,453 I don't think I like beer, either. 443 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,588 I just thought they went together. 444 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,557 Why is beer the go-to? 445 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,258 If only there was something else to drink. 446 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,994 There is. Whiskey. 447 00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,162 [cracks open] 448 00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:21,766 She's right. We should drink whiskey instead of beer. 449 00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:24,802 That's a great idea that's never steered anybody wrong. 450 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,937 [audience laughter] 451 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,207 You don't even know who I am, dude. 452 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,208 You don't even listen to me. 453 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,743 Sometimes I think about killing you. 454 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,012 I could get away with it too. 455 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:39,016 Where's my phone?! Has anybody seen my phone? 456 00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:43,955 Announcer: Canadian club. 457 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:47,291 It's ruined your nights. Why not let it ruin your day? 458 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,960 [audience laughter] 459 00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:49,961 [ra-ta-tat] 460 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,165 ♪ [theme] 461 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,501 [cheers and applause] 462 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,971 A list of best airlines around the world has been released, 463 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:02,573 With qatar airways taking the number one spot, 464 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,176 Followed closely by every other airline, 465 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,978 Followed by a gap that looks pretty intentional, 466 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:11,048 And then someone wrote, "fine. Air canada ." 467 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,583 [audience laughter] 468 00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:15,719 The vatican is ordering all employees to be vaccinated 469 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,055 Or tested before entering the grounds. 470 00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:21,192 "oh crap, my phone died. You got to believe me. 471 00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,461 I'm double pfizered", said god. 472 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,462 [audience groans] 473 00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:29,000 [laughter] 474 00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:30,668 That was a long way to go. 475 00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,336 It was a long walk for that. 476 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,804 [crosstalk] 477 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:34,872 Beautiful walk. 478 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:41,011 A lithuanian man had to have one kilogram of screws, nuts, 479 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,747 And knives surgically removed from his stomach. 480 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:47,417 And you thought you were bad at putting together ikea furniture. 481 00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:49,287 [audience laughter] 482 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,393 I can do this? 483 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,828 Ok. 484 00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:00,431 I can do this. 485 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:01,765 [breathes heavy] 486 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,100 I can do this. 487 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,501 You can do this. 488 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,737 I can do this. 489 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:08,506 You can do this. Just pull it. 490 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,040 Just pull it. 491 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:13,344 Gaaaahhhh! 492 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,613 You're a coward. 493 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,847 That's the last time 494 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,816 I ever eat bread in a hot tub, I tell you that. 495 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,051 Trent, you have to do this for me. 496 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,520 It's the only way. 497 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,456 -Do it. -No! 498 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:26,524 Shoot the gun, trent! 499 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,926 -Why are you doing this? -Because 500 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,463 The sign says. Now do it. 501 00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:34,331 Pull the trigger, you son of a bitch! 502 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,733 Do it! 503 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,335 Do it! 504 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,406 You're a coward too. 505 00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,009 [beep] 506 00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,346 ♪ mmm whatcha say ♪ 507 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:51,015 ♪ mmm are you sure you feel well? ♪ 508 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:55,886 ♪ check yes or no mmm whatcha say ♪ 509 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:59,090 ♪ mmm is there shortness of breath 510 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:02,026 Or worsening cough ♪ 511 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:05,096 37.4. It's a little warm. 512 00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:06,430 A little warm? 513 00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:08,366 Do my glands feel swollen to you? 514 00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:09,767 [ra-ta-tat] [cheers and applause] 515 00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:11,369 That's the way we saw the world this week. 516 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:12,703 Thanks for watching. 517 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,705 And remember to keep an eye out for the prime minister. 518 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,907 You never know where he'll turn up next. 519 00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:17,975 Goodnight. 520 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:19,310 All: Goodnight. 521 00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:22,079 [cheers and applause] 522 00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:24,949 ♪ ♪