Tonight on 22 minutes , when beer just won't cut it,
The anti-vaxxer's weakness,
Up close and personal, and
Something to be thankful for.
22 minutes starts now.
♪ [theme]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
Well, vaccine passports are here,
So I spent the weekend scrolling through my screen shots
Before accidentally showing a moxie's waitress my nudes.
[audience laughter]
Yes, provinces are rolling out their vaccine passports.
Nova scotia is using the canimmunize app,
Quebec has an app called vaxicode,
And p.E.I.'s is just a potato with "yup" written on it.
[audience laughter]
In alberta, it's called a restrictions exemption program.
How stupid does jason kenney think albertans are?
"uh, no, it's not a passport.
It's a yeah-hoo freedom pass for hot cowboys".
You can tell alberta is serious about their freedom
Because their passport is an unlocked pdf.
You're free to edit, which is how this person changed theirs
To say their name was fakus mcfakeface.
Jason kenney responded by immediately naming
Fakus mcfakeface his new health minister.
And then there's ontario.
Whereas b.C. And quebec hired developers to come up with
Sexy looking apps, ontario decided to make theirs in-house,
Which is why it looks like a coupon your husband gives you
For free back rubs.
To be fair, it is better than the first passports
Doug ford printed himself that said "bofe vaxeems".
[audience laughter]
While passports have made vaccination rates go up,
Not everyone is sold on them
And some people are really digging in.
Take a look.
Baa-aa-aa-aa!
Look at all the sheep.
The government is controlling you.
The vaccine passports are taking away our freedoms.
That's right. The government! No-wuh!
Hey, we're trying to have a nice dinner out.
I haven't been to a restaurant in quite some time.
Sort of miss it.
You know, if you got a vaccine passport,
You could come in.
Well, I don't have one of those because I didn't
Get one of those!
And I will never get one of those.
Those look really, really good. Sort of golden brown.
Mind if I have just a little nibby there.
You can't have a nibby.
Ok, well, then just describe it and let me eat your words.
-No. -Then waft it.
Hit me with a really good waft.
We're not going to waft you. Just go get vaccinated.
No way, sheep. I'll never get vaccinated.
I don't need this -- are those calamari?
Ohhh, hoo-hoo, that looks really good.
Squirt that lemon all over it.
No, no, get citrus on every bite.
You're going to have uneven lemon distribution.
I like doing it this way.
-Just go away. - No,
I don't need this restaurant anyway. That's right.
Is that as sizzling fajita plate?
Ok, I'll make you a deal.
I'll get one dose of the vaccine for
One bite of that sizzling fajita plate.
Does that come with guac?
Guac is extra.
Deal's off! I tried! Nope.
I'm not going to pump my veins full of poison.
Hey, can we get this guy out of here?
-Yeah, you guys just -- -all right, buddy, let's go.
No, no, just make sure that you enjoy the meal, ok?
Just take the time to stop and relax and let an
Unvaccinated guy eat --
-No! -Hey!
Order me a margarita just so I can smell it.
Come on, get your vaccinated hands off me.
♪ ♪
According to a new poll, 82 per cent of ndp voters
Want jagmeet singh to be their party leader,
While 82 per cent of liberal voters want jagmeet singh
To be their party leader.
The royals attended the premiere
Of the new james bond film, "no time to die",
Which also happens to be the queen's motto.
[audience laughter]
-She's 407 years old. -She's 400 at least, yeah.
According to stats canada, new brunswick's population
Grew faster than the national average last year.
Might have something to do with new brunswick's new
Highway welcome signs that read,
"new brunswick, now you can't leave".
Tim hortons is releasing a clothing line.
And if their threads are as good as their coffee,
I'll double double pass.
Last week it was reported that a nova scotian cocaine smuggler
Stole two boats and sailed into a hurricane
In order to flee the police.
Read all about it in my new book,
"trent mcclellan's coke boat adventure".
A.I. Can now predict if it's going to rain in two hours,
Which means technology is as advanced as my grandma's bones.
[audience laughter]
Will smith has admitted to wanting a harem of girlfriends.
He wants one girlfriend for chillin' out,
One for maxin', one for relaxin' all cool,
And a fourth one for shootin' some b-ball
Outside of the school.
[audience laughter]
Katie! Hey!
Hey, you!
Oh!
Oh, right, yeah. We doing this?
Oh, yeah.
[chuckling]
Well, you know, I've actually been doing this.
Oh.
I'm vaxxed, so.
I'm vaxxed. We can do this.
-We can do this. -All right.
-Ok. -We doing this?
-Let's do this. -We're doing this.
-We're doing this. Ok. -Ok.
Aww. We're doing.
We're doing this.
We're doing...
We're doing... This.
♪ [romantic]
Are we doing this?
I could do this.
Both: We're doing this.
Both: I could do this.
Mmm, we're doing this.
Mmmm!
I could do this right in the park.
-Me too. -Ok.
Vaxxed and tested and ready to do this.
[moaning]
We're back, baby! Yes!
[ra-ta-tat]
Last week saw the first ever
National day for truth and reconciliation,
A day created by the trudeau government.
It was intended to be a day of quiet reflection.
So how did the prime minister mark it?
Well, his official itinerary said
He was in ottawa for private meetings.
But global news
Found him vacationing on a beach in tofino.
Take a look.
I'm on air again joking about a justin trudeau vacation scandal,
So things are finally getting back to normal.
Trudeau got back to work and in true trudeau
Fashion, back to work meant back to vacation.
Justin, the day is meant to focus on reconciliation, not
Wreck beach.
A day of reflection doesn't mean looking at your reflection
And wondering, "am I beach bod ready?".
I haven't seen someone run away from a camera like that since
To catch a predator was cancelled.
To make matters worse, he isn't even wearing an orange shirt.
But at least he is wearing a shirt.
Lots of canadians were upset.
Breakfast television showed more respect
To the day of truth and reconciliation
Than our prime minister.
You know you messed up when breakfast television
Is pissed at you.
And yes, we all deserve to spend a day of fun with our family.
Just maybe not on the day you chose to reflect on
The indigenous children who were taken from their families.
It's not like you didn't have options.
Chief rosanne casimir invited trudeau
To attend a ceremony near kamloops,
Where the remains of over 200 children
Were discovered buried in may.
An event he not only skipped, but flew directly over.
The prime minister's official itinerary was
Eventually updated to show he was on vacation in tofino.
So I guess there was eventually some truth.
An attempt at reconciliation came Sunday,
When trudeau pulled a trudeau and apologized.
But we will never have reconciliation
By just talking the talk. We need to walk the walk,
And by "the walk", I don't mean this one.
[applause]
♪ [theme]
A new poll found alberta premier jason kenney has
An 11 per cent approval rating.
Wow, he's less popular in alberta than
Pierre trudeau wearing a "flames suck" t-shirt.
This is after kenney said the pandemic was over
And that the province was open for the summer.
And now the icus are fuller than a
Porta potti at the stampede.
Things are so bad, newfoundland is sending doctors to help.
It's like doctors without borders, except it's
Doctors with eight brudders.
Never in my life did I think the problem in alberta was
Not enough newfoundlanders.
That's like saying the problem with
Banff is not enough australians.
You know these doctors are going to show up with a bottle of rum
And a cod in a cooler like, "where's the covid at?"
Rest assured, the newfoundland doctors will save the day,
But it's going to take them a while to get there because
They're coming by ferry.
So albertans, stay where you're to
'til they comes where you're at.
[cheers and applause]
Announcer: Ever wish those holiday family dinners
Would go a bit more smoothly?
Now they can with thanksgiving uncles.
When you hire from us, you get an uncle with
No strong opinions, no prejudices, and
Just the right brand of bland for your table.
Each uncle comes pre-stocked with inoffensive phrases like...
I guess I can see both sides on that one.
You know, it takes all kinds.
My opinion is that issue is a steaming cup...
..Of none-of-my-business.
Announcer: Instead of hot takes and conspiracy theories,
It's warm smiles and tasty stuffing.
So what do we think about all this immigration?
Immigration?
I'd say that's folks going from one country to another.
Boy howdy. [chuckles]
Announcer: Order now, and as a bonus, your new uncle will
Respond and change the subject in the blink of an eye.
Me, I don't really follow politics too closely.
Mary, these mashed potatoes are absolutely criminal.
Mmm! You guys have tried the mashed potatoes, huh?
Hmm, reproductive rights, huh?
I'll tell you what I am pro-choice on:
Choosing more of these roles. [laughs]
Announcer: Our thanksgiving uncles skillfully handle
Any conversation without offending,
Whether the stakes are big or small.
You can't be serious. They've won 24 stanley cups.
How many in this millennium?
What do you think? Leafs or habs?
Me? I just love a well-played game of hockey.
Announcer: Thanksgiving uncles,
From the makers of picnic grandmas.
[ra-ta-tat]
♪ [theme]
[cheers and applause]
A reliable source says pop singer shakira
Was attacked by wild boars in barcelona.
The reliable source: Her hips.
[audience laughter]
Singer shakira walked away unscathed
From a wild boar attack in Spain this week.
Apparently, the boar appeared after hearing its mating call.
[shakira impression] ♪ lelo lo le lo le! ♪
[audience laughter]
A conservation officer in newfoundland spent three hours
Saving seven beached whales.
They're calling it an orgy
Because there were so many free willies.
[audience laughter]
[chatter and laughter]
You having fun, honey?
Oh, yeah.
Jerry's got this incredible story about a photocopier.
Oh yeah, that's great.
So I just wanted to let you know
That we're going to be fighting later.
What?
Oh yeah, big fight.
What did I do?
You know.
I don't know.
Well, all will be made clear when we get in the car.
It's something trivial,
But I've decided to blow it out of proportion.
All right. Well, maybe we could just resolve this right now.
I don't want to fight in public. I just want to stew in public.
So have fun while you can,
Because the second the car door closes, I will be unleashing
A fury on you that you know not of, brian.
Samantha.
♪ [sinister] I will be everywhere.
Hi! Oh my god.
[party music plays, glasses clink]
That's when I knew I had to scan the document.
[laughs] you would.
[soft whisper] your ass is grass.
[soft whisper] what?
[loud whisper] your ass is grass.
[laughter]
Are you ok, brian?
Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. I am not leaving
Until I've tried every one of these hors d'oeuvres.
I mean it. I'm not leaving.
Don't choke. We got to fight later.
Don't go. Stay here. Don't go.
Karl, the party's not over yet. There's still more party!
You know, brian, we really should think about
Heading out ourselves.
No, no,
Jerry, tell that photocopier story.
Sorry, dude, we got to work in the morning.
You got to keep the party going.
Jesus, brian, do we have to stage an intervention?
Samantha said we're going to fight later.
Oooh! Way to throw samantha under the bus, brian.
I don't know what we're fighting about.
Whatever it was, it's about this now.
Mm-hmm.
You know, the subaru 's all warmed up for us to fight in.
I want to thank you so much for having us.
It truly was a wonderful night.
Samantha, come on!
-Keep walking. -Have fun, you two.
You ready to fight?
What did I do?
♪ ♪
Last week in a tim hortons a former ppc candidate,
And need I say anti-vaxxer,
Staged what he called a sit-in against segregation.
This is our rosa parks moment.
So I will sit in this restaurant like these other people here,
You know, stand on my right as a free man.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Question for you, dude.
Were you allowed to sit wherever you wanted?
Then you're not rosa parks!
You're more like roseanne barr.
Exactly.
This is yet another example of anti-vaccination groups
Co-opting social justice language for their loser cause.
They're comparing the civil rights movement
To being denied apple fritters.
To quote martin luther king junior,
"what the actual hell?"
Anti-vaxxers are also using the phrase, "my body, my choice."
It's not the same thing, morons!
You can't catch baby from a pregnant woman coughing on you.
Babies come from a mommy and a daddy
Having a three-way with a stork.
But tell that to texas senator and
Virgin wolverine ted cruz, who supported
Anti-vax nba players by tweeting
"your body your choice" after his state just banned abortion.
I wish he was here so my body could choose
To pop him like a zit.
We cannot let anti-vaxxers
Get away with this dumb bull crap!
Whoa! Language.
I'm sorry. I'm just all fired up.
It's like they're equating black lives matter with
"bring back the mcrib." it's not the same thing!
You're right. I mean, these people need to
Slither home, pour themselves a nice,
Tall glass of horse dewormer and come up with their own slogans.
You know, something catchy like,
"we're here. We're dumb. Get used to it!"
Or "being difficult is my entire personality!"
Or "I'd like to speak to the manager --
Oh, no, I've died."
And as a general rule, if you're ever tempted
To call yourself rosa parks, just take a seat
In the back.
Mm-hmm.
[applause]
After my internship at wetzel's pretzels,
I then went on to co-manage a bank... Rupt wetzel's pretzels.
I'm sorry. You just don't have
Enough experience for a job here at nasa.
This never would have happened if my hair was different.
[plays rock riff] woo! Gee-tah!
Hi, I'm bonnie raitt.
Are you a natural redhead
Who wants to be treated less like a girl
And more like the distinguished adult woman you are?
Then try l'oreal 's "huge hunk of white in the front".
A huge hunk of white in the front
Lets us redheads command the respect we deserve.
Astronaut brian?
Yes, astronaut craig.
Meet your new boss.
♪ ♪
It's one small step for man, one giant streak on your head.
Thanks, l'oreal.
♪ lt's give 'em something to talk about ♪
How about a huge hunk of white in the front?
Announcer: Available in bonnie raitt
And arlene dickinson.
[ra-ta-tat]
♪ [theme]
[cheers and applause]
Last week, 39 workers trapped in a sudbury mine were all rescued.
Which brings us to our next segment:
For the love of god, stay out of the damn mines!
Why are we still down in the mines?
At this point we know what mines are up to.
They're holes in the ground that want to eat us.
And for what? Nickel? It's sudbury.
How about before you journey to the centre of the earth you guys
Cut off a slice of the big nickel you keep as a brag?
All in all, it took a crowd of volunteers, workers,
And mine rescue officers to bring them to safety.
Heather hiscox: They were climbing from this incredible
Depth of, you know, two cn towers was what we were
Talking about. 1,200 meters down.
Two cn towers?
Why do we always measure things in canadian icons?
Like me, for example. I'm not six three.
I'm one and a half ron jameses.
[audience laughter]
But not every story has a happy ending,
As all 39 of the rescued miners are now trapped
In sudbury, ontario.
Thoughts and prayers.
Yes.
Announcer: And now raine maida from our lady peace
Sings the alphabet.
♪ [tune of "superman's dead"]
♪ a, b, c, d, e, f, g ♪
♪ h, I, j, k, l ♪
♪ m, n, o, p-hee ♪
♪ q, r, s, and t ♪
♪ u, and v ♪
♪ w, x ♪
♪ and I'm thinkin' y-ee-I-ee-I-ee, yeah,
And then zed ♪
♪ aiieeeeee ♪
♪ now I know my abcs, next time sing with me ♪
Announcer: That was raine maida from our lady peace
Singing the alphabet.
♪ ♪
What's on your mind?
I don't like beer anymore.
I don't think I like beer, either.
I just thought they went together.
Why is beer the go-to?
If only there was something else to drink.
There is. Whiskey.
[cracks open]
She's right. We should drink whiskey instead of beer.
That's a great idea that's never steered anybody wrong.
[audience laughter]
You don't even know who I am, dude.
You don't even listen to me.
Sometimes I think about killing you.
I could get away with it too.
Where's my phone?! Has anybody seen my phone?
Announcer: Canadian club.
It's ruined your nights. Why not let it ruin your day?
[audience laughter]
[ra-ta-tat]
♪ [theme]
[cheers and applause]
A list of best airlines around the world has been released,
With qatar airways taking the number one spot,
Followed closely by every other airline,
Followed by a gap that looks pretty intentional,
And then someone wrote, "fine. Air canada ."
[audience laughter]
The vatican is ordering all employees to be vaccinated
Or tested before entering the grounds.
"oh crap, my phone died. You got to believe me.
I'm double pfizered", said god.
[audience groans]
[laughter]
That was a long way to go.
It was a long walk for that.
[crosstalk]
Beautiful walk.
A lithuanian man had to have one kilogram of screws, nuts,
And knives surgically removed from his stomach.
And you thought you were bad at putting together ikea furniture.
[audience laughter]
I can do this?
Ok.
I can do this.
[breathes heavy]
I can do this.
You can do this.
I can do this.
You can do this. Just pull it.
Gaaaahhhh!
You're a coward.
That's the last time
I ever eat bread in a hot tub, I tell you that.
Trent, you have to do this for me.
It's the only way.
-Do it. -No!
Shoot the gun, trent!
-Why are you doing this? -Because
The sign says. Now do it.
Pull the trigger, you son of a bitch!
Do it!
You're a coward too.
[beep]
♪ mmm whatcha say ♪
♪ mmm are you sure you feel well? ♪
♪ check yes or no mmm whatcha say ♪
♪ mmm is there shortness of breath
Or worsening cough ♪
37.4. It's a little warm.
A little warm?
Do my glands feel swollen to you?
[ra-ta-tat] [cheers and applause]
That's the way we saw the world this week.
Thanks for watching.
And remember to keep an eye out for the prime minister.
You never know where he'll turn up next.
Goodnight.
All: Goodnight.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪