1 00:00:51,014 --> 00:00:52,024 In a single gal's life, 2 00:00:52,021 --> 00:00:55,021 there are three important firsts. 3 00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:58,011 The first time you have sex, 4 00:00:58,007 --> 00:01:01,007 the first time you have good sex and... 5 00:01:01,007 --> 00:01:02,017 the first time you see a guy 6 00:01:02,019 --> 00:01:05,009 you just started dating's apartment. 7 00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:11,010 -Hey. -Hi. 8 00:01:11,008 --> 00:01:12,998 -Come on in. -Okay. 9 00:01:13,017 --> 00:01:14,017 Wow. 10 00:01:16,016 --> 00:01:19,016 Oh, nice. 11 00:01:19,022 --> 00:01:22,012 Very nice. 12 00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:23,010 Thank God. 13 00:01:23,011 --> 00:01:25,001 You were expecting? 14 00:01:25,004 --> 00:01:26,014 Well, one never knows. 15 00:01:26,013 --> 00:01:29,003 Gentlemen left to their own devices... 16 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:31,016 Oh, you name it, I've seen it. 17 00:01:31,023 --> 00:01:37,023 Pleather couches. Two-foot bongs. 18 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,020 -Dead body in a corner. -A dead body, huh? 19 00:01:40,021 --> 00:01:43,011 I only went out with him for a week after that. 20 00:01:43,012 --> 00:01:49,002 But, uh, so far, nothing in here says "scary bachelor." 21 00:01:49,003 --> 00:01:50,003 Except me. 22 00:01:51,021 --> 00:01:54,021 Hey, I really like this wall color. 23 00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:57,022 Yeah, I can't take credit for that, that's Lauren. 24 00:01:57,021 --> 00:01:58,021 Ralph Lauren? 25 00:01:58,019 --> 00:02:00,009 No, Lauren, Lauren. My ex... 26 00:02:00,012 --> 00:02:01,012 girlfriend. 27 00:02:01,014 --> 00:02:03,004 She was the decorator. 28 00:02:03,005 --> 00:02:04,995 Oh, uh-huh. 29 00:02:05,002 --> 00:02:06,022 -I'm sorry. Is that weird? -Please. 30 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:12,010 Please, you have a "decorator," I have a "decorator." 31 00:02:12,013 --> 00:02:17,023 There's really no need for the "ex-decorator" conversation. 32 00:02:18,014 --> 00:02:19,014 Got it. 33 00:02:23,004 --> 00:02:25,014 Should I set the alarm? Do you need to get up early? 34 00:02:25,015 --> 00:02:27,005 Nope, I'm all yours. 35 00:02:28,018 --> 00:02:30,008 -Goodnight. -Goodnight. 36 00:02:30,010 --> 00:02:31,020 Welcome to my house. 37 00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:45,000 Oh. 38 00:02:47,002 --> 00:02:49,012 Okay, what's going on there? 39 00:02:49,014 --> 00:02:54,004 Oh, uh, that's my sound machine. I'm a troubled sleeper. 40 00:02:54,002 --> 00:02:55,012 Kinda hooked on it. 41 00:02:55,016 --> 00:02:57,016 Oh. Frogs? 42 00:02:57,021 --> 00:02:59,011 Yeah, and cicadas. 43 00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:01,000 Officially, we're in the rainforest. 44 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,005 Oh, that there's a bird. 45 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:11,000 Well, I feel like I'm camping. 46 00:03:11,005 --> 00:03:13,005 Not a big fan of camping. 47 00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:15,009 Tomorrow morning I'll make you s'mores. 48 00:03:15,015 --> 00:03:16,015 Okay. 49 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,000 I always wondered who bought those. 50 00:03:24,019 --> 00:03:25,999 Actually, it was a gift. 51 00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:26,023 Oh, from-- 52 00:03:27,001 --> 00:03:28,011 -Yeah, Lauren. -Yeah. 53 00:03:28,015 --> 00:03:31,005 She got it for me about two weeks after we started going out. 54 00:03:31,009 --> 00:03:33,009 She hated it when I tossed and turned. 55 00:03:33,008 --> 00:03:34,998 It was her therapist's idea. 56 00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:36,023 Lauren always did everything her therapist-- 57 00:03:36,017 --> 00:03:38,007 Mm-hmm, okay, okay. 58 00:03:41,005 --> 00:03:43,005 So... frogs. 59 00:03:44,009 --> 00:03:45,019 What's so bad about frogs? 60 00:03:49,013 --> 00:03:50,023 Goodnight. 61 00:03:50,023 --> 00:03:52,013 You'll see... 62 00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:55,018 After a while, you won't even hear it. 63 00:03:55,019 --> 00:03:59,009 I could only hope he was referring to his ex-decorator's name. 64 00:04:01,011 --> 00:04:03,011 Okay, one drink and then we leave. 65 00:04:03,015 --> 00:04:05,015 And one drink means one drink. 66 00:04:05,019 --> 00:04:07,009 Tell me why we're going to this again? 67 00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,004 She's an old friend going through a breakup. 68 00:04:09,004 --> 00:04:10,014 We're being supportive. 69 00:04:10,011 --> 00:04:11,021 On a Friday night? 70 00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:13,000 She tried to kill herself. 71 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,002 It was six Advil. 72 00:04:14,002 --> 00:04:16,012 -On an empty stomach. 73 00:04:16,009 --> 00:04:18,019 The good news is I'm off the Zoloft, 74 00:04:18,017 --> 00:04:21,997 I lost ten pounds and after that asshole dumped me, 75 00:04:22,005 --> 00:04:25,005 I realized I have this amazing gift for designing bags! 76 00:04:28,008 --> 00:04:29,018 It's a purse party! 77 00:04:29,022 --> 00:04:31,022 Oh! 78 00:04:33,005 --> 00:04:34,015 Isn't this precious? 79 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,010 You can take it to lunch. 80 00:04:36,016 --> 00:04:37,016 Mmm! 81 00:04:37,018 --> 00:04:39,008 Isn't life funny? 82 00:04:39,014 --> 00:04:43,024 Because of that fucker, I've discovered I'm Fendi! 83 00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:46,015 Buy away! 84 00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:56,021 When did making bags become the fallback career? 85 00:04:56,018 --> 00:04:59,018 Someone should tell crazy that owning a hot glue gun 86 00:04:59,019 --> 00:05:01,019 does not make you a hot purse designer. 87 00:05:01,023 --> 00:05:03,013 Don't call her crazy. 88 00:05:03,007 --> 00:05:05,007 Look at this. I'd rather carry a colostomy bag. 89 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,003 Ladies, these aren't bags, they're baggage. 90 00:05:07,003 --> 00:05:10,013 We are standing among the ruins of her last relationship. 91 00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:13,021 And it was one ugly break-up. 92 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:15,010 I resent this. 93 00:05:15,008 --> 00:05:17,018 The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship 94 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,000 is the person in your next relationship. 95 00:05:20,003 --> 00:05:23,013 True, and here's hoping that isn't me. 96 00:05:23,007 --> 00:05:26,007 Last night, Berger started opening the "ex file." 97 00:05:26,013 --> 00:05:29,003 Fascinating. What do you know so far? 98 00:05:29,005 --> 00:05:30,005 Well, her name is Lauren. 99 00:05:30,011 --> 00:05:32,021 She bought him a Sharper Image Sound Machine. 100 00:05:32,019 --> 00:05:34,999 -She's a monster. -I mean, we just started dating. 101 00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:37,023 Do I really need to hear about the ex already? 102 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,020 Yes! The sooner the better. 103 00:05:39,018 --> 00:05:40,018 Maybe it should be the later the better. 104 00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:42,011 Or better yet, the never the better. 105 00:05:42,014 --> 00:05:43,024 That's good tuna. 106 00:05:43,018 --> 00:05:45,008 Carrie, you have to know where he's been 107 00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:46,020 so you know what you're getting. 108 00:05:46,021 --> 00:05:48,011 As long as what you get doesn't itch, 109 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,015 I say you're fine. 110 00:05:49,018 --> 00:05:51,008 Look, he has a past, I have a past. 111 00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:53,009 Do our pasts really have to have a present? 112 00:05:53,011 --> 00:05:55,021 Yes! At least find out how they broke up. 113 00:05:55,023 --> 00:05:58,003 That will tell you a lot about their relationship. 114 00:05:58,003 --> 00:06:01,013 See, I was hoping to skip all that and start fresh this time. 115 00:06:01,009 --> 00:06:02,009 Is that crazy? 116 00:06:02,011 --> 00:06:05,011 No, here comes crazy. 117 00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:08,016 Look at this one. Little shoes! 118 00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:09,017 Isn't this fun? 119 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:12,010 I mean, who needs a balding 38-year-old boyfriend 120 00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:13,020 with erectile dysfunction 121 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:17,010 when you can have a new career and cute cater waiters? 122 00:06:17,008 --> 00:06:20,008 Excuse me, champagne for the girls! 123 00:06:20,007 --> 00:06:21,007 Have fun! 124 00:06:22,009 --> 00:06:23,009 Katie. 125 00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:24,020 -Hi! -Shoes! 126 00:06:24,018 --> 00:06:27,008 Hey, doesn't that waiter look familiar? 127 00:06:27,014 --> 00:06:28,024 I fucked him. 128 00:06:28,022 --> 00:06:30,022 Oh, that guy. 129 00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:34,020 It's that waiter from Raw. Also known as the best sex I've had in years. 130 00:06:34,022 --> 00:06:36,012 Champagne, ladies? 131 00:06:36,008 --> 00:06:39,018 This party just got a whole lot more exciting. 132 00:06:39,022 --> 00:06:44,012 Okay, just one glass and then we've got dinner reservations at 66, yes? 133 00:06:44,010 --> 00:06:45,010 Okay, but I can't stay out late 134 00:06:45,014 --> 00:06:47,014 because I have a 9:00 a.m. conversion class 135 00:06:47,008 --> 00:06:48,008 at the synagogue. 136 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,018 You had a two-hour class today. 137 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:50,020 I know! 138 00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:52,000 I'm accelerating my studies. 139 00:06:52,006 --> 00:06:53,016 There's just so much to take in. 140 00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:57,001 The history, the tradition, the philosophy... 141 00:06:57,006 --> 00:06:58,006 Oy. 142 00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:00,017 You guys... 143 00:07:00,018 --> 00:07:02,998 That was my first "oy." 144 00:07:04,012 --> 00:07:06,022 Hi, Victoria! -Hi! 145 00:07:06,021 --> 00:07:08,011 A whole bunch of folks just arrived 146 00:07:08,015 --> 00:07:10,005 so I'm gonna need some more tuna tartlets! 147 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:11,013 All right. 148 00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,014 Hello? 149 00:07:28,020 --> 00:07:31,010 -Oh, my God! -Oh, God. 150 00:07:31,014 --> 00:07:34,014 I'm way too fucking fragile to see this! 151 00:07:35,010 --> 00:07:36,020 You're fired! 152 00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:40,011 This is my big purse party! 153 00:07:47,018 --> 00:07:51,008 Victoria, does this come in any other colors? 154 00:07:51,008 --> 00:07:53,018 Do I look like a fucking department store? 155 00:07:54,022 --> 00:07:57,012 Get the fuck out of my apartment! 156 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,010 All you bitches get out of my apartment! 157 00:07:59,014 --> 00:08:01,014 Give it! 158 00:08:01,010 --> 00:08:04,000 Look what you did! 159 00:08:04,006 --> 00:08:07,006 I cut up my bedspread for this! 160 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,998 Okay, dinner time. 161 00:08:09,003 --> 00:08:11,023 The next day at Temple Emanuel... 162 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,010 Soon, you'll be ready for your mikvah. 163 00:08:15,010 --> 00:08:18,010 Who can tell me what the mikvah is? 164 00:08:19,006 --> 00:08:19,996 Yes, Charlotte? 165 00:08:20,005 --> 00:08:21,015 It's the ceremony that marks 166 00:08:21,019 --> 00:08:23,019 our official conversion to Judaism. 167 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,010 Very good. 168 00:08:25,008 --> 00:08:27,998 And what does the service entail? 169 00:08:31,009 --> 00:08:32,009 Yes, Charlotte? 170 00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:33,023 It's a ritual bath 171 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,000 where we are immersed in water and reborn a Jew. 172 00:08:37,002 --> 00:08:38,002 Very good. 173 00:08:38,004 --> 00:08:40,024 Charlotte, always the straight A student, 174 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:44,009 took to her Judaism class like a gefilte fish to water. 175 00:08:44,012 --> 00:08:46,022 As you come to your rebirth as a Jew, 176 00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:49,021 you will find special and new traditions to embrace. 177 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,010 However, you must also bear in mind 178 00:08:52,015 --> 00:08:55,995 that you will be letting go of your Christian traditions. 179 00:08:56,004 --> 00:09:00,014 Many find Christmas to be the most difficult to leave in the past. 180 00:09:00,011 --> 00:09:02,011 You must grieve this loss. 181 00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:06,010 It can be quite hard. 182 00:09:10,013 --> 00:09:13,013 And speaking of the past... 183 00:09:13,007 --> 00:09:15,017 It's half past two. You're 20 minutes late. 184 00:09:15,017 --> 00:09:16,997 I know. I got held up. 185 00:09:17,004 --> 00:09:18,014 I'm barely gonna make my appointment. 186 00:09:18,011 --> 00:09:19,021 I'm sorry. 187 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,017 Debbie had car trouble so I took a cab. 188 00:09:21,023 --> 00:09:23,013 Debbie? Who's Debbie? 189 00:09:23,015 --> 00:09:25,005 Debbie, the girl I'm seeing. 190 00:09:26,014 --> 00:09:27,024 Oh. 191 00:09:27,022 --> 00:09:30,002 So Brady's changed and ready to go. 192 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,014 Don't forget the diaper bag. 193 00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:33,022 And please try to have him back on time tomorrow. 194 00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:36,010 I'm sorry, I'm never late. It's just her car-- 195 00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:37,018 Steve, I don't need to know! 196 00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:40,011 I just need you not to be 20 minutes late again. 197 00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,014 Thanks. 198 00:09:46,016 --> 00:09:49,016 -Excuse me, Rabbi Minsch? -Yes, Charlotte? 199 00:09:49,018 --> 00:09:53,008 Um, I was just wondering, what you said about Christmas. 200 00:09:53,012 --> 00:09:55,012 How exactly black and white is that? 201 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:58,001 Charlotte, as a Jew, you have to embrace 202 00:09:58,006 --> 00:10:00,016 the new holidays and let go of the old. 203 00:10:00,019 --> 00:10:04,999 Keeping Christmas would be like being a vegetarian 204 00:10:05,003 --> 00:10:06,013 and still eating meat. 205 00:10:06,008 --> 00:10:07,998 Well, I wouldn't go to church or anything, 206 00:10:08,004 --> 00:10:09,024 but maybe I could still have a tree? 207 00:10:09,022 --> 00:10:11,012 No. 208 00:10:14,015 --> 00:10:15,995 -Caroling? -Uh-uh. 209 00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:19,013 Rudolph? 210 00:10:20,008 --> 00:10:21,008 But Rabbi Minsch-- 211 00:10:21,016 --> 00:10:24,016 Charlotte, if you are serious about becoming a Jew, 212 00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:28,021 you have to let go of the attachments to your past. 213 00:10:28,023 --> 00:10:32,013 From that day on, Charlotte would always think of him 214 00:10:32,009 --> 00:10:34,999 as the Minsch who stole Christmas. 215 00:10:35,003 --> 00:10:38,003 That night, miles from the Amazon, 216 00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:40,023 I was just drifting off to sleep when... 217 00:10:51,003 --> 00:10:52,023 Hello? 218 00:10:52,017 --> 00:10:54,007 Remember that red dress you had? 219 00:10:54,013 --> 00:10:55,013 What? 220 00:10:55,015 --> 00:10:56,005 Where are you? 221 00:10:56,014 --> 00:10:57,024 In California. 222 00:10:58,013 --> 00:10:59,013 In bed. 223 00:10:59,016 --> 00:11:00,016 Oh. 224 00:11:01,015 --> 00:11:03,005 I was sleeping. 225 00:11:04,014 --> 00:11:05,014 Alone? 226 00:11:05,013 --> 00:11:08,013 Yes, you woke me up. 227 00:11:08,012 --> 00:11:10,022 You never used to need so much sleep, kid. 228 00:11:10,019 --> 00:11:11,019 I'm old now... 229 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,010 Like you. 230 00:11:14,017 --> 00:11:16,017 So the red dress? 231 00:11:16,019 --> 00:11:17,999 Versace or Gucci? 232 00:11:18,005 --> 00:11:19,015 It had tiny little straps. 233 00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:21,000 Gucci. 234 00:11:21,005 --> 00:11:24,995 And when I slipped one strap down, the other would fall. 235 00:11:25,005 --> 00:11:26,005 Remember that dress? 236 00:11:26,008 --> 00:11:27,008 Yes. 237 00:11:28,007 --> 00:11:30,007 You looked good in that dress. 238 00:11:30,015 --> 00:11:31,015 Yes. 239 00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:37,003 Remember when I found you in your closet 240 00:11:37,005 --> 00:11:39,005 in just heels and a bra? 241 00:11:39,009 --> 00:11:43,009 And I came up behind you and put your hands against the wall? 242 00:11:43,007 --> 00:11:45,007 Remember that, hmm? 243 00:11:46,010 --> 00:11:47,010 Yes! 244 00:11:47,015 --> 00:11:48,995 So what'd you do last night? 245 00:11:49,003 --> 00:11:51,023 Oh, nothing. Went to bed early. 246 00:11:52,001 --> 00:11:54,001 Had accidental phone sex with Big. 247 00:11:54,003 --> 00:11:56,023 -What? -Brunch is suddenly looking up. 248 00:11:56,017 --> 00:11:58,007 Well, actually, he had phone sex, 249 00:11:58,016 --> 00:12:01,006 I was on the other end trying to figure out a polite way to get out of it. 250 00:12:01,015 --> 00:12:05,005 Turns out, there is no polite way to get out of phone sex. 251 00:12:05,009 --> 00:12:07,019 I wasn't aware that you and Big had phone sex. 252 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,010 Occasionally, since he moved away. 253 00:12:11,009 --> 00:12:12,019 You have phone sex? 254 00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:15,003 Well, I prefer to think of it not as phone sex 255 00:12:15,005 --> 00:12:17,995 so much as a trip down memory lane. 256 00:12:18,006 --> 00:12:19,016 Well, the next time he calls, just tell him 257 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,020 that you're in a serious relationship with Berger. 258 00:12:21,021 --> 00:12:24,001 But I'm not in a serious relationship with Berger. 259 00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:25,003 We're still just dating. 260 00:12:25,004 --> 00:12:26,014 I mean, it's good dating, 261 00:12:26,008 --> 00:12:27,018 but we don't know where it's going yet. 262 00:12:27,023 --> 00:12:29,013 Well, you're never gonna know where it's going 263 00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:30,999 if you keep "reminiscing" with Big. 264 00:12:31,006 --> 00:12:33,006 One doesn't have anything to do with the other. 265 00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:35,023 I just don't know why you want to drag all that Big baggage 266 00:12:35,017 --> 00:12:36,017 into the new relationship. 267 00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,013 It's not baggage, it's "Biggage." 268 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,998 And Big is no more a threat to Berger 269 00:12:41,006 --> 00:12:42,016 than Lauren is to me. 270 00:12:43,001 --> 00:12:43,021 Thank you. 271 00:12:43,022 --> 00:12:45,002 It's all in the past. 272 00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:46,016 And on your phone bill. 273 00:12:46,019 --> 00:12:48,009 He called me. 274 00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:50,010 I'm a lady. 275 00:12:51,022 --> 00:12:57,002 Oh, come on, pudding. I'll get your pacifier. 276 00:12:57,002 --> 00:12:58,012 Yeah. 277 00:12:58,009 --> 00:13:00,999 Look at all the shit Steve has in here. 278 00:13:02,013 --> 00:13:05,013 Oh, honey, isn't the baby birth control enough? 279 00:13:05,008 --> 00:13:07,008 They're Steve's and Debbie's... 280 00:13:07,008 --> 00:13:08,998 his new girlfriend, that's her name... 281 00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:10,013 Debbie. 282 00:13:10,013 --> 00:13:12,013 Where are they doing it? Gymboree? 283 00:13:12,010 --> 00:13:14,000 "Debbie does day care." 284 00:13:18,004 --> 00:13:19,014 Oh, honey, relax. 285 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:21,017 I have those in my mouth all the time. 286 00:13:21,022 --> 00:13:25,022 Later that day, I got to thinking about tense relationships. 287 00:13:25,022 --> 00:13:27,022 And by that I mean a relationship 288 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:32,003 and its connection to the past, present, and future tense. 289 00:13:32,003 --> 00:13:34,013 At a certain age, we've all had relationships 290 00:13:34,016 --> 00:13:36,016 that are far from "past perfect." 291 00:13:36,018 --> 00:13:38,998 But how much does that past relationship 292 00:13:39,002 --> 00:13:41,022 affect our dream of a future perfect? 293 00:13:42,001 --> 00:13:44,021 And as I became more and more tense, 294 00:13:44,022 --> 00:13:47,012 I couldn't help but wonder, 295 00:13:47,014 --> 00:13:50,024 can you get to a future if your past is present? 296 00:13:52,022 --> 00:13:54,012 And over at Samantha's... 297 00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:57,010 a day of great sex was about to fade into the past. 298 00:13:57,016 --> 00:14:00,006 Are you absolutely sure you can't stay? 299 00:14:00,008 --> 00:14:03,018 Yeah, I gotta pull an extra shift over at the restaurant. 300 00:14:03,018 --> 00:14:06,998 I got fired from my other gig, remember? 301 00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:10,023 Listen, I do feel bad about what happened. 302 00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:13,010 And I wanted you to have this... 303 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,000 $300.00? 304 00:14:19,003 --> 00:14:20,013 I made some calls. 305 00:14:20,014 --> 00:14:23,004 That is what the A-list caterers pay. 306 00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:25,023 Lady, you are fucking out of your mind. 307 00:14:31,007 --> 00:14:32,007 The next morning, 308 00:14:32,015 --> 00:14:35,005 after another fitful night of frogs... 309 00:14:35,015 --> 00:14:36,015 So are you gonna be okay here? 310 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,011 Absolutely, go. 311 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:41,010 You know, it's just a stupid standing breakfast thing 312 00:14:41,009 --> 00:14:42,009 with a bunch of writer buddies. 313 00:14:42,013 --> 00:14:43,023 I'd ask you along, 314 00:14:43,023 --> 00:14:45,023 but we're a pretty pathetic bunch. 315 00:14:45,021 --> 00:14:46,021 Please, go. 316 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,000 And for the record, you, my friend, 317 00:14:49,006 --> 00:14:51,006 are not pathetic. 318 00:14:51,010 --> 00:14:52,020 Ah. 319 00:14:57,005 --> 00:14:58,005 Hey, you gonna get that? 320 00:14:58,016 --> 00:15:00,006 Do you know what? 9:30 in the morning? 321 00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:01,018 "telemarketer." 322 00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:04,000 I think that's a two-word hyphenate. 323 00:15:05,006 --> 00:15:07,016 Hey, Jack. It's Lauren... 324 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,010 It was official. 325 00:15:09,012 --> 00:15:12,002 Lauren controlled every machine in the apartment. 326 00:15:12,002 --> 00:15:15,012 And, uh... call me. I want to talk to you. 327 00:15:15,007 --> 00:15:16,007 Fuck you! 328 00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:18,010 And fuck you! 329 00:15:19,006 --> 00:15:22,016 B'bye. 330 00:15:25,019 --> 00:15:26,999 You don't want your new boyfriend 331 00:15:27,006 --> 00:15:28,016 to still be in love with the ex, 332 00:15:28,023 --> 00:15:30,013 but you don't want-- 333 00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:36,006 That is not the way you talk to your ex-decorator. 334 00:15:36,014 --> 00:15:37,024 Damn it, just when you thought 335 00:15:38,001 --> 00:15:40,011 you didn't have to open the ex file. 336 00:15:40,015 --> 00:15:41,995 So he's doing a "fuck you" to the ex. 337 00:15:42,006 --> 00:15:44,016 As long as he keeps fucking you, what's the problem? 338 00:15:44,017 --> 00:15:46,007 The problem is, what's going on there? 339 00:15:46,016 --> 00:15:47,996 What big thing happened between them 340 00:15:48,005 --> 00:15:49,015 that would cause a double finger situation? 341 00:15:50,001 --> 00:15:52,011 And if it wasn't big, why is he still so angry? 342 00:15:52,013 --> 00:15:54,003 Does he have a problem with anger? 343 00:15:54,004 --> 00:15:56,024 And here come the questions. 344 00:15:56,018 --> 00:15:58,998 You're right, men are crazy. 345 00:15:59,004 --> 00:16:00,024 I fucked that waiter at the party 346 00:16:00,018 --> 00:16:03,008 and he got fired for it, so I gave him $300 347 00:16:03,012 --> 00:16:07,002 the next time we fucked, and now I think he's upset. 348 00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:08,023 Okay, not the same situation. 349 00:16:08,023 --> 00:16:10,013 I don't see what the problem is. 350 00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,011 It's like a big tip. 351 00:16:11,015 --> 00:16:14,005 No, $300 in a restaurant is a big tip. 352 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:17,006 $300 in the bedroom is a big prostitute. 353 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,010 Well, at least it wasn't phone sex. 354 00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:20,998 He called me. 355 00:16:21,004 --> 00:16:23,014 Yeah, keep telling yourself that. 356 00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:27,010 Right on time. 357 00:16:27,009 --> 00:16:28,009 And I appreciate that. 358 00:16:28,014 --> 00:16:30,014 I do! Come in. 359 00:16:31,017 --> 00:16:34,007 I'm just getting Brady ready to go out 360 00:16:34,008 --> 00:16:35,008 for a night with his dad. 361 00:16:35,014 --> 00:16:37,014 Packing up the old diaper bag. 362 00:16:37,008 --> 00:16:39,008 Making sure he has everything he needs. 363 00:16:39,012 --> 00:16:43,012 Uh, bottle. Binky. 364 00:16:44,007 --> 00:16:46,007 Trojans. 365 00:16:46,009 --> 00:16:47,009 Look, Miranda... 366 00:16:47,013 --> 00:16:48,013 I'm not exactly thrilled 367 00:16:48,010 --> 00:16:50,010 that our baby is having sex already, 368 00:16:50,013 --> 00:16:52,013 but I sure am glad he's using protection. 369 00:16:52,015 --> 00:16:55,005 Ha ha, ho ho. Got your point. Very funny. 370 00:16:55,016 --> 00:16:56,016 No, Steve, not funny. 371 00:16:56,019 --> 00:16:57,009 Fucked up. 372 00:16:57,015 --> 00:16:58,015 Come on, it's just condoms. 373 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,000 In the diaper bag, Steve? 374 00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:01,013 How much sex are you having 375 00:17:01,012 --> 00:17:03,012 that you need rubbers in the diaper bag? 376 00:17:03,008 --> 00:17:05,008 What's it to you? 377 00:17:05,013 --> 00:17:08,013 Apparently, some of Miranda's baggage 378 00:17:08,013 --> 00:17:10,003 had shifted during fight. 379 00:17:10,006 --> 00:17:13,016 I just don't think you're taking this parenting thing seriously. 380 00:17:13,017 --> 00:17:16,007 -What? -You show up late to pick him up. 381 00:17:16,013 --> 00:17:17,013 One time. 382 00:17:17,011 --> 00:17:18,011 More than one time. 383 00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,010 There was that time... 384 00:17:19,009 --> 00:17:20,019 That other time when you were late. 385 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,020 Okay, what's your problem? 386 00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:25,000 This is not about me. This is about your need 387 00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:27,003 to start taking responsibility for your child. 388 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,024 And clearly there are times when you can't 389 00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:30,021 because your mind is somewhere else. 390 00:17:31,001 --> 00:17:32,011 What are you talking about? 391 00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:35,017 Like when your penis is in some girl's vagina 392 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:37,010 and you're having an orgasm 393 00:17:37,009 --> 00:17:40,009 while our baby is quietly suffocating in the other room. 394 00:17:40,011 --> 00:17:42,011 Debbie and I never do it when he's awake. 395 00:17:42,014 --> 00:17:44,014 Okay, Steve, you're not getting this! 396 00:17:44,014 --> 00:17:47,014 I am saying your focus needs to be totally 397 00:17:47,016 --> 00:17:48,996 and completely on Brady. 398 00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:53,013 My focus is always 100% on Brady. 399 00:17:54,014 --> 00:17:55,024 Brady! 400 00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:03,001 See? 401 00:18:03,005 --> 00:18:05,005 That night, the only thing 402 00:18:05,008 --> 00:18:06,998 Miranda and Steve could agree on 403 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:10,002 was separate diaper bags. 404 00:18:10,002 --> 00:18:17,012 ♪ And may all your Christmas' Be white ♪ 405 00:18:21,006 --> 00:18:26,996 ♪ I'm dreaming Of a white Christmas... ♪ 406 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:29,015 Hey, beautiful. I'm here! 407 00:18:32,021 --> 00:18:34,011 What's all this? 408 00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:36,012 It's my last Christmas tree. 409 00:18:37,012 --> 00:18:38,012 It's July. 410 00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:40,995 That's right. So it doesn't count. 411 00:18:41,003 --> 00:18:44,003 Charlotte, honey, you can have a tree. 412 00:18:44,005 --> 00:18:45,005 Lots of Jews do. 413 00:18:45,009 --> 00:18:47,019 Hmm-hmm, it wouldn't be appropriate. 414 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:54,011 Oh, look! Oh, it's my favorite ornament. 415 00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:55,017 "Silent night, holy night." 416 00:18:55,022 --> 00:18:59,022 See, that's the holy family in the nativity. 417 00:18:59,022 --> 00:19:02,002 This was my grandma York's. 418 00:19:02,003 --> 00:19:03,003 It's so old. 419 00:19:03,004 --> 00:19:04,024 See how there's hardly any glitter left 420 00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,998 on the baby Jesus? 421 00:19:08,002 --> 00:19:11,012 It's very rare to have a blue Christmas ornament. 422 00:19:11,007 --> 00:19:12,017 Is that a fact? 423 00:19:12,021 --> 00:19:13,021 Yeah. 424 00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:17,021 They're usually red or green. 425 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:21,012 Silver, and gold. 426 00:19:24,018 --> 00:19:26,018 Keep Christmas. Who cares? 427 00:19:26,023 --> 00:19:27,023 I do. 428 00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:28,020 I'm gonna do this right. 429 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,001 I'm not gonna be a meat-eating vegetarian. 430 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,015 No, these all have to go. 431 00:19:33,019 --> 00:19:37,009 Except this one. We're keeping this. 432 00:19:37,011 --> 00:19:39,011 What the hell? They were Jews too. 433 00:19:41,011 --> 00:19:46,021 ♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made it out of clay ♪ 434 00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:49,020 ♪ And when it's-- Something something... ♪ 435 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,011 Dry and ready. 436 00:19:51,007 --> 00:19:54,007 Impressive. Dry and ready. 437 00:19:54,012 --> 00:19:59,012 Oh dreidel, I will play. 438 00:19:59,009 --> 00:20:02,009 That night, Charlotte realized the memories she was giving up 439 00:20:02,015 --> 00:20:06,005 might be nothing compared to the memories she was getting. 440 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,000 And Samantha realized, to make things right, 441 00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:14,013 she would need to service someone else for a change. 442 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,023 Hello. 443 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,020 My name is Samantha. 444 00:20:17,017 --> 00:20:19,017 I'll be your waitress this evening. 445 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,020 Tonight, I will be serving you. 446 00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:26,022 You are fucking crazy. 447 00:20:26,019 --> 00:20:29,019 Oh, Mister Waiter, you have no idea. 448 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,010 You don't know my name, do you? 449 00:20:31,009 --> 00:20:34,009 Of course I do... Paul. 450 00:20:35,003 --> 00:20:36,013 It's Jerry. 451 00:20:36,008 --> 00:20:37,998 I took a shot. 452 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,014 When you're a waiter, 453 00:20:39,013 --> 00:20:45,023 you must always be aware that the customer comes first. 454 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,020 It's a hard, hard job. 455 00:20:53,021 --> 00:20:57,011 You know, uh, Samantha, I'm not just a waiter. 456 00:20:57,016 --> 00:21:00,006 Mm. Is that right, Jamie? 457 00:21:00,014 --> 00:21:02,014 Jerry. 458 00:21:02,016 --> 00:21:04,016 Yeah, I'm an actor. 459 00:21:07,002 --> 00:21:09,002 Oh, God, there goes my hard-on. 460 00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:17,012 It's a good thing I still have mine. 461 00:21:17,011 --> 00:21:20,001 Samantha had had many waiters in her past, 462 00:21:20,005 --> 00:21:24,005 but to the present day, this was her very first Jerry. 463 00:21:29,015 --> 00:21:30,015 As for me... 464 00:21:30,017 --> 00:21:31,997 I spent another night 465 00:21:32,006 --> 00:21:34,996 not sleeping in Berger's bed. 466 00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:46,023 You okay? 467 00:21:46,018 --> 00:21:48,008 No, I can't sleep. 468 00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:49,005 Is it the frogs? 469 00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:51,006 No, the frogs are fine. 470 00:21:52,003 --> 00:21:53,003 What's up? 471 00:21:53,018 --> 00:21:54,018 Nothing. 472 00:21:54,018 --> 00:21:56,008 Nothing. Go back to sleep. 473 00:22:00,015 --> 00:22:01,005 Jesus. 474 00:22:01,016 --> 00:22:03,006 It's the frogs. I'll turn it off. 475 00:22:03,013 --> 00:22:06,013 No, no. It's not the frogs. 476 00:22:10,019 --> 00:22:12,009 -It's Lauren. -What about her? 477 00:22:12,014 --> 00:22:13,024 Okay, for the record, 478 00:22:13,022 --> 00:22:17,012 I was hoping to skip this and start fresh, 479 00:22:17,013 --> 00:22:20,013 but what's going on with you and the double finger? 480 00:22:20,012 --> 00:22:21,012 The double what? 481 00:22:21,013 --> 00:22:23,023 The other day, to the answering machine. 482 00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,012 Right. 483 00:22:27,008 --> 00:22:29,008 Do we need to talk about this? 484 00:22:29,013 --> 00:22:31,013 She just drives me crazy. 485 00:22:31,010 --> 00:22:32,020 You know, she keeps calling here. 486 00:22:32,021 --> 00:22:35,021 She wants to go out to lunch for "closure," that's her word. 487 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,000 I would never say closure, 488 00:22:37,003 --> 00:22:38,023 certainly not at 2:00 in the morning. 489 00:22:39,012 --> 00:22:40,022 She keeps bugging me. 490 00:22:40,023 --> 00:22:43,013 She thinks it's important in order to move on. 491 00:22:50,008 --> 00:22:51,008 What do you think? 492 00:22:51,015 --> 00:22:54,015 I think that it's gonna take a lot more than a lunch. 493 00:22:58,012 --> 00:22:59,012 What? 494 00:23:00,007 --> 00:23:03,007 No, it's embarrassing. 495 00:23:07,005 --> 00:23:09,005 She cheated on me. That's how it ended. 496 00:23:09,016 --> 00:23:10,996 Uh, she broke my heart. 497 00:23:11,005 --> 00:23:13,005 And it pretty much killed me. 498 00:23:13,015 --> 00:23:17,995 And, uh, I was dead... till you. 499 00:23:25,008 --> 00:23:27,998 And then, there is another important first... 500 00:23:28,003 --> 00:23:31,023 The first time you realize this really might be something. 501 00:23:33,007 --> 00:23:34,017 You ever been that hurt? 502 00:23:36,006 --> 00:23:37,006 Yeah. 503 00:23:39,004 --> 00:23:41,014 Do you want to tell me about it? 504 00:23:44,002 --> 00:23:44,022 Sure. 505 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,010 And just like that, 506 00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:50,997 we moved out of the present and into our future. 507 00:23:51,006 --> 00:23:52,006 How much time have you got? 508 00:23:52,010 --> 00:23:53,020 I got all night. 509 00:23:55,012 --> 00:23:58,022 So now, it was time to clear up the past. 510 00:24:15,013 --> 00:24:16,023 Hey, it's me. 511 00:24:17,001 --> 00:24:18,021 Well, hello there. 512 00:24:18,018 --> 00:24:19,018 Have you got a minute? 513 00:24:19,021 --> 00:24:20,021 Yeah, sure. 514 00:24:20,022 --> 00:24:22,022 I'm just relaxing in my hot tub. 515 00:24:22,021 --> 00:24:24,001 Hot tub? 516 00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:27,015 Oh, shame on you. That is such a cliché. 517 00:24:27,021 --> 00:24:30,011 No, a jacuzzi is cliché. 518 00:24:30,007 --> 00:24:32,007 A hot tub is retro. 519 00:24:32,015 --> 00:24:34,015 Hey, remember the time we were in the jacuzzi 520 00:24:34,023 --> 00:24:36,013 in the Four Seasons, and you-- 521 00:24:36,008 --> 00:24:37,008 Okay, okay. 522 00:24:37,015 --> 00:24:38,005 Hold on there, partner. 523 00:24:38,014 --> 00:24:39,024 This is not gonna be 524 00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,019 one of those types of calls. 525 00:24:41,023 --> 00:24:42,023 What type of call? 526 00:24:42,023 --> 00:24:44,003 I was talking about 527 00:24:44,002 --> 00:24:45,022 when you lost your necklace in the jets. 528 00:24:45,023 --> 00:24:47,003 Oh. 529 00:24:47,002 --> 00:24:48,002 But if you'd like to make it 530 00:24:48,006 --> 00:24:49,006 one of those phone calls, 531 00:24:49,010 --> 00:24:51,000 I'm $1.50 for the first minute 532 00:24:51,003 --> 00:24:53,003 and 50 cents for each additional. 533 00:24:53,002 --> 00:24:54,012 Please stop. 534 00:24:54,008 --> 00:24:56,018 What's on your mind, baby? 535 00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:59,010 I was just calling to tell you that 536 00:24:59,014 --> 00:25:03,024 we won't be having any more of those calls. 537 00:25:03,019 --> 00:25:07,009 Aw, really? Why is that? 538 00:25:07,008 --> 00:25:09,008 Because we're just friends now. 539 00:25:09,013 --> 00:25:11,013 Those are friendly calls. 540 00:25:11,013 --> 00:25:14,013 I don't talk to my friends like that. 541 00:25:14,016 --> 00:25:15,006 I do. 542 00:25:15,012 --> 00:25:16,022 Well, maybe that's why 543 00:25:17,001 --> 00:25:18,011 you have so few. 544 00:25:20,009 --> 00:25:21,009 You got me there. 545 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,020 I started seeing someone. 546 00:25:26,019 --> 00:25:28,999 Were you seeing someone the other night? 547 00:25:29,004 --> 00:25:30,024 Yes. 548 00:25:30,019 --> 00:25:32,019 But it just got serious. 549 00:25:33,013 --> 00:25:34,013 I see. 550 00:25:34,016 --> 00:25:39,016 So I think we have to leave all that in the past. 551 00:25:39,019 --> 00:25:42,019 Consider it in the past. 552 00:25:42,020 --> 00:25:44,010 But we'll stay friends. 553 00:25:45,013 --> 00:25:48,003 Ah, friends. 554 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:49,995 Good friends. 555 00:25:51,009 --> 00:25:52,019 Hmm. 556 00:25:52,023 --> 00:25:54,023 His name is Jack Berger. 557 00:25:54,018 --> 00:25:56,008 He's a writer as well. 558 00:25:58,023 --> 00:26:00,023 Okay, kid. 559 00:26:00,021 --> 00:26:02,011 Hey, give me a call sometime. 560 00:26:03,014 --> 00:26:05,014 Any kind of call you want. 561 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,020 That night, in the basement of a synagogue, 562 00:26:17,019 --> 00:26:20,019 after 75 accelerated classes, 563 00:26:20,021 --> 00:26:23,011 Charlotte, the Episcopalian princess, 564 00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:25,016 was reborn a Jew... 565 00:26:28,022 --> 00:26:32,002 leaving the old Charlotte behind. 566 00:26:32,002 --> 00:26:33,022 Was this tub drained before me? 567 00:26:35,014 --> 00:26:37,024 Well, not all of her. 568 00:26:46,009 --> 00:26:47,009 Hey. 569 00:26:47,009 --> 00:26:49,019 I finally figured out what you needed. 570 00:26:49,018 --> 00:26:50,998 -Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm. 571 00:26:51,005 --> 00:26:52,995 I thought about it, and I thought about it 572 00:26:53,005 --> 00:26:56,005 and I narrowed it down to two choices. 573 00:26:56,013 --> 00:27:00,023 A Pulitzer Prize... or this. 574 00:27:00,017 --> 00:27:02,017 Well, I already have a Pulitzer. 575 00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:05,010 -You do? -Yeah, I don't like to brag. 576 00:27:05,011 --> 00:27:07,021 Well, then, I chose right. 577 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,000 -Hey. -It's for a fresh start. 578 00:27:12,002 --> 00:27:13,022 It's the newest sound machine they make, 579 00:27:13,019 --> 00:27:17,009 with many other sounds besides frogs. 580 00:27:17,014 --> 00:27:19,014 I don't care for frogs. 581 00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:21,007 New start, new sound. 582 00:27:22,006 --> 00:27:24,006 -Deal. -Deal. 583 00:27:24,009 --> 00:27:25,019 Deal. 584 00:27:25,017 --> 00:27:26,017 Oh. 585 00:27:36,017 --> 00:27:38,997 That same night, next to Berger, 586 00:27:39,005 --> 00:27:41,005 and surf sounds number four, 587 00:27:41,010 --> 00:27:43,000 I slept more soundly than I had 588 00:27:43,006 --> 00:27:45,006 in as long as I can remember.