When you live in "the city that never sleeps,"
it comes as a bit of a shock when, somehow,
you manage to oversleep.
Oh!
Oh, taxi!
Taxi! Oh...
Oh, excuse me, sorry.
-Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, sorry.
Oh, taxi!
Thank you!
Fuck! Motherfucker! Fuck, shit!
Sir?
Sir, I have to be downtown in 30 minutes.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
Blondie, you need a lift?
Excuse me, hi.
Which way to the stock exchange?
-There. -Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
Step forward.
-Stop.
-Give him the pocketbook. -Oh. Here. Can you hold that?
Let's go. Stop. Arms.
-I'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh, sir, sir, can you hurry, I'm here to ring the bell.
-Sir-- Okay. -Go ahead.
-Thank you. -Step forward.
Alright.
You have to put this on and we gotta hurry up.
-Wow. -Yeah, it's real busy.
Excuse us, excuse us...
Today one of New York's favorite newspapers,
the New York Star, is going public...
And here to open trading is one of its favorite columnists,
Carrie Bradshaw!
Now you can press it.
Okay.
The day after the stock market,
I met the ladies for lunch
in the fashionable meat market.
It was so exciting it almost made me want
to invest in something.
I love the stock market.
A room full of screaming, sweating men,
all trying to get it up.
I don't invest anymore, it's too volatile.
Exactly, I like my money right where I can see it,
hanging in my closet.
Actually, your stock is up.
I bought some shares of your newspaper yesterday.
Really, well, thank you, sweetie.
Was it expensive?
Oh, no, you're cheap.
Well, I never.
-Here, ladies. -Thank you.
Thank you.
Twenty dollars for a hamburger, oh, that's reasonable.
Pathetic!
When I moved to this neighborhood,
the only thing that cost $20 was a hand job from a tranny.
Ew!
I'm serious, it's all gotten so sanitary.
I mean, no smoking in bars,
what's next, no fucking in bars?
Well, first there would have to be a "no fucking" section.
I mean, just look at this street...
Stella McCartney, Alexander McQueen,
the only designer name that belongs
in the meatpacking district is Oscar Mayer.
I never liked his clothes. Too fatty.
But that's what's great about New York.
There's always a new neighborhood, a new restaurant...
A new man.
Oh.
That's right, Friday night,
my first official date with Jack Berger.
That is so exciting, isn't that exciting?
Oh sure, it's all fun and games 'til someone has a child.
So, what do you two have planned?
Well, he hasn't said yet,
so many, many outfits need to be scouted.
Oh, you kids today and your dating.
I know.
I feel like a girl of 35 again.
-Aw.
Oh, I really like him.
Then you better find out his bottom line right up front.
If Harry had told me that he could only be serious about me
if I were Jewish, I doubt I'd be in my situation.
I don't get it, what kind of man passes up pussy for Purim?
The soup and the tenderloin of pork.
What's with the face?
I didn't make a face.
I said "pork," you went...
Well, it's just, I'm confused.
I mean, you can order pork, but you can't get serious
about a future with me because I'm not Jewish.
And from the meat market to the marriage market.
Charlotte, it doesn't work that way.
I'm not kosher, I'm conservative.
I'm conservative too!
Yeah, well, my conservative doesn't have anything to do
with wearing pearls.
Look, I know what you're thinking, okay.
Why did I let things get this far without talking about this?
Why did I sleep with you? Why did I even kiss you?
Why did you?
Because I couldn't not kiss you,
not sleep with you, not see you.
Believe me, I never thought a shiksa goddess like you
would fall for a putz like me.
You're not a putz.
Do you even know what putz means?
Yes, schmuck.
You sure you're not Jewish?
Okay.
And from Jewish to poo-ish.
Ah, Miranda?
You got a little doody on your forehead.
What? Where?
Oh, no, now you got more, the other side.
Which side?
Well, help, it's not funny!
-Baby wipe me, get it off! -Okay.
"Baby wipe me!"
I did not say it like that, just get it off.
"Baby wipe me!"
Oh, yeah, let's see how you like it.
-No! No! -You like it?
-No, Miranda, Miranda, Miranda! -You want it on your face?
-No! -Huh, mister, mister, mister? On your face?
-Knock it off! -"Knock it off!"
Brady, help, tell Mommy to stop chasing Daddy.
What?
I just don't think it's so fucking funny.
You weren't the one with shit on your face.
You were chasing me!
You know, I don't have time for this,
-I have to get up early.
I don't even know why you're still here.
You dropped off the baby hours ago.
I don't have time to stand around
while you read the paper and order food in--
Don't you have a life?
Yeah, I got a life.
Bye, Brady.
Hey.
I'm in love with Steve.
Hold this.
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
Come on, are you seriously telling me you didn't know?
Oh, I knew, I just can't believe you admitted it.
I need a drink, what have you got?
It's 11:30 on a Saturday morning.
Did you not hear me just say I was in love with Steve?
I think I got an old bottle of Kahlua somewhere.
Okay, hold on there, Brady.
Momma needs a cocktail.
Last night we were in the dining room
and we were laughing and all of a sudden
I looked over at him and I realized...
We belong together.
-Oh, Miranda. Yeah.
So I picked a huge fight and threw him out of my apartment.
Good thinking.
Okay, these Triscuits have been here since the mid-'80s.
I so cannot be in love with Steve.
Steve so is not the guy for me.
Miranda...
You're right.
Steve so is the guy for me.
No, no, no, I was just asking if Brady can eat crackers yet.
No.
How can I have been wrong all these years?
You weren't wrong. It just...
It just took you a while to get here.
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know, I have a lot invested in this relationship,
plus we have the baby.
Yeah, plus, you said you were in love with him.
Yeah.
So how are you gonna tell him?
Maybe I should take him somewhere romantic.
Where I can't start a fight.
Oh my God, Miranda, do you know what this means?
You're asking Steve out on a date!
-Hi, Samantha. -Hi, Al.
-Looking good, Sam. -Hi.
That night, as Samantha walked home
past her friendly neighborhood bar, the Ram Hole,
she saw something truly upsetting.
Just what we need,
another Wall Street asshole with money.
Hold the door!
Hi, thanks, I live here.
See, here are my keys.
Chip Kilkinney, I just moved in.
Samantha Jones, 3F.
I'm 4F. You're right under me.
That sounds promising.
That's quite a car.
I love a nice Hummer.
Well, good night.
And uptown, in a slightly less obvious maneuver...
Oh, oh, I'm close.
Mm, honey...
Is this whole Jewish thing really that big a deal?
No, no-- oh God, no!
Ah!
The next morning, bright and early.
Good morning.
There's a happy face.
I am a happy face.
It's a beautiful morning, and the sun is shining,
and you changed your mind about the Jewish thing.
Whoa, whoa, what... what Jewish thing? When?
Last night.
I asked you if it was really that important to you,
and you said no.
-I did? -Yeah.
When we were making love, right before you came.
How could you not remember?
Charlotte, honey,
I can't remember my own name right before I come.
Well, that's what you said.
Asking me to renounce Judaism during sex is a clear manipulation.
Oh, blah blah blah!
I just don't understand, why is this so important to you?
I promised my mother I would marry a Jew.
Your mother?
Charlotte had had her fill of potential husbands
and their demanding mothers...
Harry's stock suddenly began to plummet.
Yeah, right before she died.
And just like that, it was up again.
I'm very sorry your mother's no longer with us,
because if she met me--
She'd fall in love with you like I did and not care?
-Uh-huh. -No, Jews don't think like that.
Keeping tradition alive was very important to her.
She lost family in the Holocaust.
What?
Well, now I can't say anything
because you've brought up the Holocaust.
Hi, it's me, leave a message.
Hi, it's Jack...
Berger, not Kerouac.
Wanted to clear that up.
So you're probably standing there screening.
Way to play it,
I'm a big fan of the screen.
In fact, don't pick up or I'll just panic and hang up.
Don't pick up.
I'm not ready for actual "voice on voice" action.
So, I'm jumping right in and suggesting dinner and a movie
for the big date.
Everybody's really been loving that movie Craig's Room,
so why don't we go and hate it?
Here come the movie times, we have 5:15, we have 7:00...
And he calculated which times and which theaters
would be least crowded, "take charge."
Yet left the restaurant choice "flexible."
All in all, the perfect machine message.
I think Berger and I are gonna be very happy together.
Oh, I love this time, before the first date,
when you can make statements like that
and almost believe them.
Why all the drama?
Because I really like him.
And you can imagine what that does to a girl.
Got it, say no more. Really, say no more.
Oh, and then right after he called, I got a message from this other fella
who I've known for a year,
suddenly asking me out on a date.
Which only proves my theory,
the only thing a girl needs to get a date is another date.
Your stock is up.
And did you say yes?
No, I already have a date.
Which is why you should say yes to the other one.
I think you're putting a lot of pressure on this Berger date.
Honey, Charlotte's right.
You need to do something to take the edge off.
I am not going on a "Sim-U-Date."
Carrie, how many new outfits have you bought for this movie?
Be honest!
None, six, all returnable.
Alright, maybe just a casual coffee
to take the edge off Berger.
Exactly!
Later that day, I got to thinking
about the stock market and dating.
Are they really that different?
If you have a bad stock, you can lose your shirt.
If you have a bad date,
you can lose your will to live.
And if the date is good, the stakes get even higher.
After weathering all the ups and downs,
you could one day find yourself with nothing.
So, when it comes to finance and dating,
I couldn't help but wonder...
Why do we keep investing?
And speaking of high risk investments...
Hey, it's me. I'm not here.
Try me at Scout, 957-7297.
Don't forget the 212.
Hi, Steve...
Hi, Steve, um...
I need to talk to you about something.
How about we do it over dinner?
How's tomorrow night?
Madga can sit with Brady.
Let me know. Bye!
Oh, it's Miranda and--
Bye.
Miranda feared it was possibly
the most imperfect machine message ever.
And Samantha decided to say it with a basket.
Welcome wagon!
Hi, ah...
Excuse the towel, I was just in the shower.
I brought you a basket filled with goodies
to acquaint you with your new neighborhood.
Cheese, prosciutto, condoms, handcuffs.
Handcuffs?
From the bar next door.
Enjoy!
If I reach for that, my towel will fall.
I'm no fool.
A little while later, Samantha blew Chip...
Stockbroker.
Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Now, that's what I call eating in.
Look, I never do this, but here's a tip.
Alon Pharmaceuticals.
It's gonna split and go through the roof.
Alon Pharmaceuticals.
Thanks.
No, thank you.
That was the best F-ing head of my life.
And, just like that,
their mutual fun turned into mutual funds.
Later that week, I met with graphic designer
Willy Applegate,
for a late afternoon "Sim-U-Date."
It's a cute place.
Yeah, I hope it's okay, yeah, I didn't know,
but I figured, can't go wrong with a garden, right?
Yeah, it's great.
I hope it's okay, I didn't know.
I just said that.
It suddenly became clear that a "Sim-U-Date" for me
was a first date for him.
Are you... looking at my sty?
Excuse me?
My sty, I have a sty.
See, right here.
And I was gonna cancel, but then I thought,
well, maybe she won't even notice it.
And I didn't even--
-No, I wasn't looking at it. -Oh, oh...
That's good.
Oh, oh!
Okay. What-- what was that?
Have you ever seen anything like...?
No, I have never!
This was a bad choice of place, I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
It's fun, it's like...
Cappuccino wilderness safari.
Ouch. Uh...
Balsamic vinegar, in my sty.
-Ouch. -Oh God, here, here you go.
Ouch.
Thanks, could this go any worse?
-Oh. -What the--
What the fuck!
Whoa!
Oh!
I'm fine! I'm fine. I'm fine.
It was a sudden crash no analysts had seen coming.
And in yet another type of market...
Well, I hope you're happy,
now I'm twice as nervous about my Berger date.
Caring too much is like a disaster magnet.
Oh, poor guy.
Can you catch a sty helping someone up from gravel?
Where's the homeopathic section?
Maybe they make something called "Sty-Be-Gone."
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor
converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
I am thrown by the change of topic,
but I do appreciate the trivia.
I'm reading her book, My Love Affair with Jewelry.
Not surprising.
And she changed her religion for the man she loved.
Yeah, and a big ol' honking piece of jewelry.
Oh, don't be so cynical.
Sorry, it's my potential sty talking.
Love.
She did it for love.
Are you thinking of pulling an Elizabeth Taylor?
I need more information.
There's more to being a Jew than jewelry.
Wise words, I'll meet you at the checkout.
'Kay.
Ah.
Charlotte wondered just how far she would go
for her true love.
Ooh.
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor
converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
Now, don't get too excited,
we're just trading information here.
Okay, then, from a not-excited place I ask,
is this something you might consider?
I'm just trying to understand,
what's so special about being a Jew?
I feel like I'm on a game show.
I'm serious, I mean, if this is really your bottom line,
then you're gonna have to try and give me a reason,
aside from your mother, that I can relate to.
Well...
If we were to get married,
we're just trading information here.
I would want our children to be raised Jewish.
Charlotte realized it was time to reveal to Harry
her bottom line.
Well, if that's really the reason, then...
I have to tell you something.
I...
I may not be able to give you children.
I'm, um, challenged in the reproductive area.
It's not hopeless, but it's difficult.
I guess I should've brought it up sooner,
but I never thought that we'd end...
I understand if you--
Shh, Charlotte, I love you.
You're the most wonderful thing
that could ever happen to a schmuck like me.
You're not a schmuck.
You're a putz.
But seriously, Harry, you want a family and...
What if I couldn't give that to you?
We'd adopt or something.
But they wouldn't be your own.
Eh...
What are ya gonna do?
Charlotte York was deeply touched
by Harry Goldenblatt's humor, compassion and acceptance.
If this is Jewish, she thought,
that's worth looking into.
Meanwhile downtown, Samantha had moved her neighbor from stocks and bonds
-to stockings and bondage. -I'm bad!
Go away, I'm busy!
Ms. Jones.
Juan.
Who the fuck are you?
FBI, get dressed.
You're under arrest for insider trading.
Turns out, Chip Kilkinney was quite the ladies' man.
And every time a woman went down, the Dow went up.
Ma'am, can you undo your cuffs so we can use ours?
Surely.
All the good ones are getting arrested.
And at a romantic restaurant,
a 37-year-old single mother found herself on a first date.
You look pretty.
You got a date later?
No, it's just the dress.
Jeez Louise, it's dark in here,
I can barely read my menu.
We need, like, another candle or something.
I think it's kind of nice.
Um, Steve?
Yeah?
I asked you here because I wanted to explain why
I picked a fight with you last week.
Miranda, I know you and I know why you picked a fight with me.
-You do? -Yeah.
You're upset 'cause I'm hanging around too much,
you think I'm getting too close.
But you don't have to worry.
'Cause I just started seeing someone else
and it's going really good.
So, please, relax.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
All that stuff I said to you about Steve never happened.
Don't mention it to anyone, don't think about it,
don't even so much as give me a look
like you might be thinking about it.
Like that, that look.
I can't ever, never see that look again.
Will you please calm down?
I think you're overreacting to that thing that never happened.
If you think I'm overreacting here,
you should be inside my head.
Miranda, I have to say this next thing,
but I will play along and not look at you while I say it.
Maybe if you had told Steve anyway, he--
Carrie, I swear to God, I love you,
but I will have to kill you.
Brady, come on, work with mommy here, please.
I'm sorry, but I'm looking and I'm talking.
This is your life, you two have a baby together.
And it's not high school.
Isn't that Berger?
Oh God, I look like shit.
You don't look like shit.
I look like shit, this is not my perfect outfit!
-Are you leaving? -Yeah, bye.
Oh God, shit.
I was just entering the safety zone when...
There he was...
My emotional equivalent to the big crash of '29...
Aidan.
-Hey. -Hey.
Look at you.
I had a baby!
I have a date!
That's wonderful, is this him?
No, no, this isn't him, this is a stunt baby.
Yeah, it's him.
This is the man, Tate.
I call him Tater, 'cause he kinda looks like one, you know?
No hair, big eyes.
Yeah, but he's cool, aren't you, Tate?
So where you running to?
Home.
So, things are good? They look good.
Yeah, I'm just hanging out in front of this fabric store
waiting for Tate's mom.
-Alright, don't laugh, I married another furniture designer. -Really.
-Yeah, what are you gonna do? -Yep, you can't fight city hall.
Cathy, she's great.
You want to come in and meet her?
Oh, another time, I really have to run.
Okay.
Bye, Tate.
Oh God, Aidan.
It's good to see you.
You too.
We should get together and have coffee sometime and catch up.
Yeah, great. Okay, we'll do that.
Bye.
There is the type of date you can't wait to keep
and the type of date you both know
you will never keep.
A block later I realized,
if Aidan and I could survive that huge a crash
and both get out alive,
there was nothing I could do on a first date
I couldn't bounce back from.
Hey, Berger, it's Carrie.
Hey. -Yeah, hi, listen.
I'm standing outside the Sony theater
near Lincoln Center and Craig's Room
starts in half an hour and there are no lines.
Can you go now?
That's so weird, I'm right in that neighborhood.
Really? Ha, it must be fate.
I'll be right there. -Okay, bye.
Hey!
Well, this blows.
I had my special outfit all picked out for tonight.
-I got the tickets. -Alright, then I got the popcorn and assorted chocolate goodness.
Are you a candy gal?
I am the candy gal.
Cool, 'cause I'm the candy man.
-Yeah? -No, I am, serious, Sammy Davis ripped me off.
Yeah, Sammy Davis?
You don't feel the need to use the "Junior"?
No, not at all.
-Really? -Nope.
Nope, we're good.
Get it!
And by close of Wall Street that day,
the NASDAQ was down, but amazingly,
our stock was still up.