[jazz music playing]
[Carrie] New York City.
No matter how well you think you know it,
there's always somewhere or someone new to discover.
I was on my second date with Ray King, who lived in Queens,
although it felt like our second, third and fourth date
because we'd been to three jazz clubs in one night.
I can't sing for shit, but damn, can I chop.
And where does one learn this skill?
Jersey Shore.
-Oh, is that where you're from-- -Listen.
This lick right here...
is why I wanted to play the bass.
[jazz music continues playing]
Man...
How about that?
Jesus, that's sweet.
Listen to that again.
[music stops]
[music plays]
Yeah, yeah?
How about that?
This might be a good time to tell you...
I don't like jazz.
[groaning]
Why would you say something like that?
[inhales] I dunno, you can't follow it
and there's no melody.
And it's just like... [squeals] It's all over the place.
Carrie, you gotta stop trying to make it be something else
and appreciate it for what it is.
Damn, I wish I had my bass.
Come here, you be the bass.
Don't I have to be in the musician's union or something?
Ah, ah, ah.
Do you play all those instruments?
Play's a little strong. I, uh,
learn a few notes, I get bored, I move on.
Listen to the bass.
The beauty of jazz...
is that it can go anywhere.
It can go from here...
to here.
-To here. -[gasping]
[Carrie] It was right about that time that I started to appreciate
a little type of music we call jazz.
[Carrie giggles]
So, what did you do last night, Carrie?
I listened to jazz.
[giggling]
What is so funny about jazz?
Okay, here it is.
Last night with Ray...
I had...
[laughing]
...the most intense orgasm of my entire life.
-Ah... -I did my laundry.
Continue.
It doesn't make any sense, I barely know him.
We've only been on two dates.
And yet, you had sex with him.
Can everyone please let Carrie talk about the sex?
The mind-blowing sex. Now...
I realize that this next statement
makes me a bit of a freak, but, um...
I usually have to be in love with someone
to have that kind of orgasm.
You might want to see someone about that.
What the hell is going on?
Maybe Ray is "the one."
Your clitoris seems to think so.
It was probably just a fluke.
I'm going back tomorrow to find out.
I, on the other hand, am on strike.
What does that mean?
It means I'm not having any more sex.
That's not a strike, honey, that's a slump.
No, it might have started as a slump,
but I'm in control of it now.
I've made the conscious decision not to have sex
until conditions improve.
And how many people will be affected by this strike?
Um, so far, just the one, but I'm optimistic.
[all laughs]
The thing is, I can't go on any more bad dates.
I would rather be home alone than out with some guy
who sells socks on the internet.
Well, I'm dating someone.
Someone I actually like.
-Good. -Wow!
Maria.
Maria, Maria, my Maria from the gallery?
Well, she's my Maria now, we're having a...
relationship.
Yes, ladies, I'm a lesbian.
Wait a second. You're in a relationship?
Yes... Oh...
And she just walked in,
so, please get those looks off your faces.
Maria!
-Hello. -You know Charlotte.
Oh, yeah, sure.
And this is Carrie and Miranda.
-Hi! -So nice to meet you.
Really good to see you.
-I see you told them. -Mm-hmm.
-How does that work? -Ah, ah.
You go to bed one night, you wake up the next morning,
and poof, you're a lesbian?
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm a fire hydrant.
[laughing] Yeah, I'm a shoe.
I always wanted to be one, and, poof, now I am.
I don't think she's a lesbian, I think she just ran out of men.
Then you go on strike, you don't eat pussy.
-Ew! -Did you just say...
...eat pussy?
I did, but just for emphasis.
You know, the truly amazing thing is
I had the news tonight.
I had the most intense...
"Mind-blowing," I believe was the word.
...orgasm of my life,
and Samantha still managed to up-sex me.
[Charlotte sighs]
They met at my gallery, I introduced them.
Poof, you're a pimp.
[Miranda laughs]
[Carrie] Later that night, inspired by Samantha's willingness
to explore new territory,
Charlotte felt it was time to conquer some old territory.
The bed...
where she and Trey had so much trouble as man and wife.
Here we are.
Yep.
Should we have a glass of wine first?
-I'm fine, unless you-- -No, no, I'm okay.
-If you don't feel ready-- -[breathes in deeply]
[Carrie] Just because she was on strike,
didn't mean she had to do without.
That's how Miranda discovered the perfect relationship...
Welcome to the show! I'm Jon Stewart and...
[Carrie] Jon Stewart and chocolate eclairs.
[Stewart on TV] ...and she is, from what I understand,
in love with me.
[Carrie] That night, Charlotte and Trey enjoyed a sweet ending
to their evening as well.
[sighs]
Not bad, huh?
-[moaning] -Not bad.
It was almost "mind-blowing."
[Carrie] Charlotte was relieved.
Now that they had fixed their problem in the bedroom,
she was ready to move back into the other rooms as well.
-So... -[Trey sighs]
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard.
I swear, Charlotte, at times I felt like
it was gonna rocket right off.
[breathing heavily]
What were you thinking?
I don't know, um...
[sighs]
Should I...
Do you...
Are we ready to--
Go again?
Houston, we don't have a problem.
Three, two, one,
blast off!
[laughing]
[buzzing]
Who is it?
[Ray over intercom] It's Ray.
Oh, hi, come on up.
[phone ringing]
Oh, shit.
-Hello? -So, did you and the girls
run down the street talking about me?
-Maybe. -How many blocks?
Oh, two, okay, nine.
[Samantha] Honestly, I'm a little hurt.
I mean, after all the hours I've spent listening
to you people talk about your relationships.
You do that?
[Samantha] I make the courtesy call.
"Do you think you love him? Blah, blah, blah."
Well, you just caught us a little off guard
with the lesbian thing.
That's just a label like Gucci or Versace.
Or Birkenstock.
This is not about being gay or straight.
Maria is an incredible woman.
She's got passion and talent,
-intelligence and-- -A vagina.
Oh, vagina schmagina.
Schmagina?
Is that what the lesbians are calling it?
For your information, we haven't even had sex yet.
Wow, you really are in a relationship.
Yes, I am, Carrie, life is not all about sex.
Yeah, try telling that to her schmagina.
I want a bourbon and I want to go down on you.
[Samantha speaking on phone]
Not necessarily in that order.
[Samantha] The truth is...
I really want it to be special the first time.
Well, I'm sure that it will be special.
I'm... I'm sure it will be special because--
[Samantha] Is Ray there?
No, no, no, Samantha, I'm listening... I...
Uh... I'm listening.
The next day, I thought about what Samantha said.
She wasn't having sex
because she wanted to have a relationship,
and I was having mind-blowing sex,
hoping to turn it into a relationship.
So, there you have it.
We've got a relationship without sex
and sex without a relationship.
Which had a better shot at survival?
I couldn't help but wonder...
What comes first, the chicken or the sex?
That night, I decided to really talk to Ray.
I figured we needed to catch the relationship up to the sex.
Well, that was the plan.
[Carrie] Wait, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
I asked you a question, where did you go to school?
All over.
-[Carrie giggles] -Oh, freckles on the legs,
nothing wrong with that.
[Carrie] It was my best relationship ever.
[screaming]
Meanwhile, over at Casa de Lesbo...
[Samantha] That coq au vin was amazing.
You can paint, you can cook, you can do everything.
[Maria laughs]
But you brought the most incredible dessert.
[whispers] Take a bite.
[Carrie] Samantha decided if she was going to be gay,
she'd be gay all the way.
I might not be much in the kitchen,
but I'm more than enough in the bedroom.
[moaning]
Oh, baby.
Samantha.
It's not really working for me.
[Carrie] It was a phrase
Samantha had never heard in bed before.
Well, honey, I've never gotten any complaints from the men.
[giggles]
Well, men...
I want you to look at me...
Connect with me.
This is lovemaking.
It's not a porno flick.
I want to show you. I'm gonna lay down
and I want you to look at my boceta.
That's a Portuguese word for pussy.
[Carrie] Meanwhile, Miranda,
still off sex and on chocolate,
couldn't bring herself to order the seven eclairs
she really wanted.
So, she asked for just one.
One cake... Please.
Which do you recommend?
I'd go with the Louvre.
Monsieur Payard's signature chocolate cake.
Wow.
-Sold. -Okay,
that'll be $74.50.
As in 74 dollars and 50 cents?
Yes.
[Carrie] Miranda decided she didn't need a cake
that badly...
Especially when she could make one for under five dollars.
Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself.
[Carrie giggling]
Oh! Oh!
[moaning]
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Trey, I'm on the mallard!
Sorry.
[moaning]
[Carrie giggling]
He still hasn't asked me to move back in.
We make love all over the apartment, and then in the morning
I get up and get in a cab and go home
just like a Park Avenue hooker!
Can't you bring it up?
No! We finally got the penis working,
I don't want to scare it.
[laughs]
Why can't I have the relationship and the sex?
-Why is it one or the other? -You got me.
I wanna order. Where's the lesbian du jour?
Oh, listen, you guys, when she gets here,
we have to talk about her relationship.
She was kind of mad we didn't take it seriously last time.
Oh, please. She isn't having a relationship.
She's just doing this to bug us.
I don't know.
They haven't even had sex yet.
She said she wants it to be special.
-Really? -Yeah.
Well, then we should be supportive.
This is the healthiest thing Samantha's done in a long time.
Does anybody want to split the chocolate pudding?
Morning, ladies.
-Morning! -[all] Hi!
Tell us about your relationship.
How is everything going with Maria?
Well,
did you know
that when a vagina gets engorged,
it expands to the size of a fist?
It's like a fabulous cave.
I guess they've had sex.
-Apparently so. -And we have
three holes down there.
Okay, stop talking about your relationship.
But it's fascinating! There are places a dick just can't go.
Oh, some dicks manage just fine.
Please, Maria has ten dicks.
For the record, you started this.
I am sorry,
but a finger is not a dick.
Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick,
so technically, Maria only has three and a third dicks.
I can tell you right now,
this...
is not the same as this...
Okay, put that away.
I'm just saying, size has nothing to do with it.
What's happening to you?
I'm getting an education.
Not only do I now know everything there is to know
about the glorious boceta.
That's Portuguese for pussy.
Boceta, schmagina,
let's call the whole thing off.
-The most important thing... -[Charlotte laughs]
...is that Maria has taught me how to connect during sex.
It's not just some animal act...
It's about two people making love.
Yeah.
[knocking]
-Hey. -Hi.
-I couldn't pick a shirt. -Oh.
Red, blue, I didn't know. Come on in.
-I'm making margaritas. -Hey!
Look what I bought today.
My first jazz CD.
No, no, no, no.
No. You gotta hear that on vinyl.
Wait, Ray.
Ray, Ray...
Ray! Ray, stop.
Don't play anything.
Don't scat, don't chop, don't blend, don't--
Could we--
Could we just sit and talk for awhile?
Oh, the "gotta talk" girl, gotta talk, gotta talk.
"What are you thinking? Where is this going?"
No, I'm not that girl, I'm not, um...
I'm not any girl, I just want to talk.
You know, talk...
Like... Where are you from? You said something
about the Jersey Shore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I spent a couple summers there.
Used to work on the boardwalk.
There was this skeet shooting place I used to go to with my buddies.
-Um, on the Jersey Shore? -Upstate New York. College.
And, pull!
Man, why no skeet in the city?
I love the skeet.
I should open one in New York,
maybe sell a club.
Canned corn, when was the last time you had canned corn?
That sounds good right now. You hungry?
Well, no, because I...
-[mixer whirring] -...remember I met--
I had a pot pie in Vegas once, loaded with corn...
[Carrie] As Ray talked,
I realized he wasn't spontaneous and unpredictable and thrilling.
[Ray babbling]
He was a guy with ADD.
[Ray] My mom used to drink.
[Carrie] What kind of relationship could I have
with a guy I couldn't even talk to?
Flaky crust.
[Carrie] I'd have to end it.
You like pies?
Ray?
Wanna play me?
Yeah.
[Carrie] Eventually.
[giggles]
Meanwhile, uptown...
So, I was thinking--
[Carrie] ...Charlotte gave Trey one more chance
to ask her to move in.
Uh... I'm just gonna say it. [clears throat]
Next time I'm hard,
would you consider measuring my John Thomas?
What? No!
I understand, it's juvenile, I know.
But I've just never seen it like this.
I'm taking a shower.
[Carrie] Charlotte was never a woman who cared much about penises,
and now a penis was running her life.
Forget it.
[intense music]
[Carrie] As Charlotte lathered up,
she really started to get lathered up.
Who did he think he was?
He was her husband, and she was his wife.
What the hell was going on in this Upper East Side nightmare?
-Trey! -Huh?
I'm tired of being married to your penis!
I am a person
and this is supposed to be a relationship!
And I am done walking on eggshells!
"Oh, don't talk about moving in in front of the penis
'cause it might go soft.
The penis likes this and the penis doesn't like that!
And the penis wants to be measured!"
-It was just a thought. -Well, here's another thought!
You can shove this marriage up your ass!
Charlotte, don't go.
No, I'm going home to my own apartment
where I have a lease.
I hope that you and your penis have a very lovely night!
[Carrie] Meanwhile, Miranda was getting fed up as well...
with herself.
[Carrie on answering machine] Hi, it's me, leave a message.
I know you're probably busy
having mind-blowing sex right now,
but I feel that you need to know
your good friend, Miranda Hobbes,
has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage
and eaten it.
You'll probably need this information
when you check me into the "Betty Crocker Clinic."
[Carrie] That night, Miranda realized
she'd been using chocolate as a substitute for sex,
and now she needed a substitute for chocolate.
The strike was officially over.
[vibrating]
[Maria] That's perfect!
[Carrie] And just when she thought she knew everything
there was to know about women...
[Maria] Ah!
[Carrie] ...Samantha caused the very elusive
female ejaculation.
Was that good or bad?
That was very good.
[Carrie] Samantha got the relationship and the sex.
In fact, a little more sex than she'd expected.
I want some water.
You want some water? Be right back.
[Carrie] The next morning, I woke up with a new thought.
Maybe Ray was like jazz
and instead of trying to make him be something else,
I needed to let go,
and appreciate him for what he was...
truly mind-blowing sex.
[giggles]
[banjo playing]
Ray?
[Carrie] But unfortunately,
I got the feeling Ray had stopped playing me
and moved on to another instrument.
Good morning, ma'am.
Morning.
You, uh, left something at my--
At the apartment.
Oh.
Charlotte, I want you to move back in
and get rid of this old apartment.
And stay all night every night.
And wake up next to me every morning and be my wife.
You do?
Yeah.
I talked it over with my penis and we both agree.
I don't want to lose you again.
Charlotte York MacDougal...
Will you remarry me?
Yes, Trey MacDougal,
I will remarry you.
[saxophone playing]
[Carrie] Walking home from ADD,
"Another Dating Disaster,"
I worried that there's a reason they call it "mind-blowing" sex.
Maybe that kind of physical connection
obliterates the chance of an intellectual one.
Or maybe it's possible to find both.
That's what I was hoping, because great sex is great,
but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.