1 00:00:45,017 --> 00:00:47,007 [jazz music playing] 2 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,023 [Carrie] New York City. 3 00:00:48,017 --> 00:00:50,007 No matter how well you think you know it, 4 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:54,016 there's always somewhere or someone new to discover. 5 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,020 I was on my second date with Ray King, who lived in Queens, 6 00:00:57,022 --> 00:01:00,012 although it felt like our second, third and fourth date 7 00:01:00,009 --> 00:01:02,999 because we'd been to three jazz clubs in one night. 8 00:01:03,005 --> 00:01:05,005 I can't sing for shit, but damn, can I chop. 9 00:01:05,013 --> 00:01:07,023 And where does one learn this skill? 10 00:01:07,021 --> 00:01:09,001 Jersey Shore. 11 00:01:09,006 --> 00:01:10,006 -Oh, is that where you're from-- -Listen. 12 00:01:11,012 --> 00:01:12,012 This lick right here... 13 00:01:12,013 --> 00:01:13,023 is why I wanted to play the bass. 14 00:01:13,019 --> 00:01:15,019 [jazz music continues playing] 15 00:01:16,012 --> 00:01:17,022 Man... 16 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:19,020 How about that? 17 00:01:19,019 --> 00:01:21,009 Jesus, that's sweet. 18 00:01:22,001 --> 00:01:23,021 Listen to that again. 19 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,010 [music stops] 20 00:01:28,007 --> 00:01:30,017 [music plays] 21 00:01:32,022 --> 00:01:35,012 Yeah, yeah? 22 00:01:40,014 --> 00:01:42,024 How about that? 23 00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:48,013 This might be a good time to tell you... 24 00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:51,000 I don't like jazz. 25 00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:54,024 [groaning] 26 00:01:55,001 --> 00:01:57,011 Why would you say something like that? 27 00:01:57,008 --> 00:01:59,018 [inhales] I dunno, you can't follow it 28 00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:01,020 and there's no melody. 29 00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:04,011 And it's just like... [squeals] It's all over the place. 30 00:02:04,013 --> 00:02:07,023 Carrie, you gotta stop trying to make it be something else 31 00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:10,020 and appreciate it for what it is. 32 00:02:10,017 --> 00:02:13,017 Damn, I wish I had my bass. 33 00:02:14,013 --> 00:02:16,023 Come here, you be the bass. 34 00:02:16,017 --> 00:02:19,007 Don't I have to be in the musician's union or something? 35 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,024 Ah, ah, ah. 36 00:02:20,019 --> 00:02:22,009 Do you play all those instruments? 37 00:02:22,007 --> 00:02:23,017 Play's a little strong. I, uh, 38 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:25,998 learn a few notes, I get bored, I move on. 39 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:29,022 Listen to the bass. 40 00:02:29,022 --> 00:02:31,022 The beauty of jazz... 41 00:02:32,001 --> 00:02:34,021 is that it can go anywhere. 42 00:02:34,019 --> 00:02:37,009 It can go from here... 43 00:02:38,007 --> 00:02:40,007 to here. 44 00:02:41,012 --> 00:02:43,022 -To here. -[gasping] 45 00:02:45,016 --> 00:02:49,006 [Carrie] It was right about that time that I started to appreciate 46 00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:52,010 a little type of music we call jazz. 47 00:02:53,012 --> 00:02:55,002 [Carrie giggles] 48 00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:57,016 So, what did you do last night, Carrie? 49 00:02:57,021 --> 00:03:00,011 I listened to jazz. 50 00:03:00,011 --> 00:03:02,011 [giggling] 51 00:03:02,012 --> 00:03:04,022 What is so funny about jazz? 52 00:03:05,016 --> 00:03:07,016 Okay, here it is. 53 00:03:08,023 --> 00:03:11,013 Last night with Ray... 54 00:03:12,007 --> 00:03:13,017 I had... 55 00:03:13,019 --> 00:03:15,019 [laughing] 56 00:03:16,001 --> 00:03:19,021 ...the most intense orgasm of my entire life. 57 00:03:19,022 --> 00:03:22,012 -Ah... -I did my laundry. 58 00:03:22,007 --> 00:03:23,007 Continue. 59 00:03:23,010 --> 00:03:25,020 It doesn't make any sense, I barely know him. 60 00:03:25,017 --> 00:03:27,007 We've only been on two dates. 61 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,017 And yet, you had sex with him. 62 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,010 Can everyone please let Carrie talk about the sex? 63 00:03:32,015 --> 00:03:35,015 The mind-blowing sex. Now... 64 00:03:35,017 --> 00:03:38,997 I realize that this next statement 65 00:03:39,002 --> 00:03:43,002 makes me a bit of a freak, but, um... 66 00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:46,005 I usually have to be in love with someone 67 00:03:46,011 --> 00:03:48,011 to have that kind of orgasm. 68 00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,000 You might want to see someone about that. 69 00:03:50,005 --> 00:03:52,005 What the hell is going on? 70 00:03:52,013 --> 00:03:54,013 Maybe Ray is "the one." 71 00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:55,998 Your clitoris seems to think so. 72 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,023 It was probably just a fluke. 73 00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,020 I'm going back tomorrow to find out. 74 00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:02,010 I, on the other hand, am on strike. 75 00:04:02,014 --> 00:04:04,004 What does that mean? 76 00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:06,014 It means I'm not having any more sex. 77 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,023 That's not a strike, honey, that's a slump. 78 00:04:08,017 --> 00:04:10,017 No, it might have started as a slump, 79 00:04:10,022 --> 00:04:12,012 but I'm in control of it now. 80 00:04:12,014 --> 00:04:15,004 I've made the conscious decision not to have sex 81 00:04:15,002 --> 00:04:16,002 until conditions improve. 82 00:04:16,004 --> 00:04:18,014 And how many people will be affected by this strike? 83 00:04:18,014 --> 00:04:21,014 Um, so far, just the one, but I'm optimistic. 84 00:04:21,014 --> 00:04:23,004 [all laughs] 85 00:04:23,005 --> 00:04:27,015 The thing is, I can't go on any more bad dates. 86 00:04:27,022 --> 00:04:30,022 I would rather be home alone than out with some guy 87 00:04:30,022 --> 00:04:33,012 who sells socks on the internet. 88 00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:35,018 Well, I'm dating someone. 89 00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:38,011 Someone I actually like. 90 00:04:38,009 --> 00:04:40,009 -Good. -Wow! 91 00:04:40,011 --> 00:04:41,021 Maria. 92 00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:47,021 Maria, Maria, my Maria from the gallery? 93 00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:50,021 Well, she's my Maria now, we're having a... 94 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:53,013 relationship. 95 00:04:53,007 --> 00:04:56,017 Yes, ladies, I'm a lesbian. 96 00:04:57,023 --> 00:05:01,023 Wait a second. You're in a relationship? 97 00:05:01,022 --> 00:05:03,012 Yes... Oh... 98 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,014 And she just walked in, 99 00:05:05,009 --> 00:05:06,019 so, please get those looks off your faces. 100 00:05:06,019 --> 00:05:08,009 Maria! 101 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,014 -Hello. -You know Charlotte. 102 00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,011 Oh, yeah, sure. 103 00:05:17,015 --> 00:05:18,995 And this is Carrie and Miranda. 104 00:05:19,006 --> 00:05:20,016 -Hi! -So nice to meet you. 105 00:05:20,018 --> 00:05:21,998 Really good to see you. 106 00:05:22,002 --> 00:05:25,022 -I see you told them. -Mm-hmm. 107 00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:27,012 -How does that work? -Ah, ah. 108 00:05:27,011 --> 00:05:29,011 You go to bed one night, you wake up the next morning, 109 00:05:29,014 --> 00:05:30,024 and poof, you're a lesbian? 110 00:05:30,018 --> 00:05:32,998 Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm a fire hydrant. 111 00:05:33,005 --> 00:05:35,005 [laughing] Yeah, I'm a shoe. 112 00:05:35,016 --> 00:05:38,006 I always wanted to be one, and, poof, now I am. 113 00:05:38,012 --> 00:05:41,012 I don't think she's a lesbian, I think she just ran out of men. 114 00:05:41,013 --> 00:05:44,013 Then you go on strike, you don't eat pussy. 115 00:05:44,013 --> 00:05:47,003 -Ew! -Did you just say... 116 00:05:47,002 --> 00:05:48,022 ...eat pussy? 117 00:05:48,019 --> 00:05:50,999 I did, but just for emphasis. 118 00:05:53,006 --> 00:05:55,996 You know, the truly amazing thing is 119 00:05:56,002 --> 00:05:57,022 I had the news tonight. 120 00:05:57,020 --> 00:06:00,010 I had the most intense... 121 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,011 "Mind-blowing," I believe was the word. 122 00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:03,020 ...orgasm of my life, 123 00:06:03,021 --> 00:06:07,011 and Samantha still managed to up-sex me. 124 00:06:07,016 --> 00:06:09,006 [Charlotte sighs] 125 00:06:13,010 --> 00:06:16,000 They met at my gallery, I introduced them. 126 00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:17,023 Poof, you're a pimp. 127 00:06:17,021 --> 00:06:19,001 [Miranda laughs] 128 00:06:19,006 --> 00:06:21,016 [Carrie] Later that night, inspired by Samantha's willingness 129 00:06:21,021 --> 00:06:23,011 to explore new territory, 130 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,018 Charlotte felt it was time to conquer some old territory. 131 00:06:26,021 --> 00:06:28,001 The bed... 132 00:06:28,004 --> 00:06:31,024 where she and Trey had so much trouble as man and wife. 133 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,010 Here we are. 134 00:06:34,003 --> 00:06:35,013 Yep. 135 00:06:36,017 --> 00:06:38,017 Should we have a glass of wine first? 136 00:06:38,018 --> 00:06:41,998 -I'm fine, unless you-- -No, no, I'm okay. 137 00:06:47,011 --> 00:06:49,021 -If you don't feel ready-- -[breathes in deeply] 138 00:07:00,019 --> 00:07:02,019 [Carrie] Just because she was on strike, 139 00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:05,011 didn't mean she had to do without. 140 00:07:07,008 --> 00:07:10,008 That's how Miranda discovered the perfect relationship... 141 00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:12,004 Welcome to the show! I'm Jon Stewart and... 142 00:07:12,002 --> 00:07:14,022 [Carrie] Jon Stewart and chocolate eclairs. 143 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,021 [Stewart on TV] ...and she is, from what I understand, 144 00:07:17,023 --> 00:07:20,013 in love with me. 145 00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:22,999 [Carrie] That night, Charlotte and Trey enjoyed a sweet ending 146 00:07:23,006 --> 00:07:25,006 to their evening as well. 147 00:07:25,016 --> 00:07:26,016 [sighs] 148 00:07:26,019 --> 00:07:27,999 Not bad, huh? 149 00:07:28,005 --> 00:07:29,995 -[moaning] -Not bad. 150 00:07:30,004 --> 00:07:32,024 It was almost "mind-blowing." 151 00:07:33,001 --> 00:07:34,021 [Carrie] Charlotte was relieved. 152 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,011 Now that they had fixed their problem in the bedroom, 153 00:07:37,015 --> 00:07:41,015 she was ready to move back into the other rooms as well. 154 00:07:41,019 --> 00:07:44,009 -So... -[Trey sighs] 155 00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:47,006 What are you thinking? 156 00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:51,017 I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard. 157 00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:54,001 I swear, Charlotte, at times I felt like 158 00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:56,013 it was gonna rocket right off. 159 00:07:56,007 --> 00:07:57,017 [breathing heavily] 160 00:07:57,022 --> 00:08:00,012 What were you thinking? 161 00:08:01,008 --> 00:08:03,018 I don't know, um... 162 00:08:04,011 --> 00:08:05,021 [sighs] 163 00:08:05,021 --> 00:08:07,011 Should I... 164 00:08:11,016 --> 00:08:12,996 Do you... 165 00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:17,014 Are we ready to-- 166 00:08:17,013 --> 00:08:19,003 Go again? 167 00:08:22,019 --> 00:08:25,019 Houston, we don't have a problem. 168 00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:28,996 Three, two, one, 169 00:08:29,004 --> 00:08:30,014 blast off! 170 00:08:30,014 --> 00:08:32,004 [laughing] 171 00:08:32,004 --> 00:08:34,014 [buzzing] 172 00:08:34,008 --> 00:08:35,008 Who is it? 173 00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:37,002 [Ray over intercom] It's Ray. 174 00:08:37,004 --> 00:08:39,004 Oh, hi, come on up. 175 00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:40,014 [phone ringing] 176 00:08:40,008 --> 00:08:41,018 Oh, shit. 177 00:08:45,012 --> 00:08:48,012 -Hello? -So, did you and the girls 178 00:08:48,014 --> 00:08:50,024 run down the street talking about me? 179 00:08:50,023 --> 00:08:53,003 -Maybe. -How many blocks? 180 00:08:53,002 --> 00:08:56,022 Oh, two, okay, nine. 181 00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:58,021 [Samantha] Honestly, I'm a little hurt. 182 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,020 I mean, after all the hours I've spent listening 183 00:09:00,022 --> 00:09:03,002 to you people talk about your relationships. 184 00:09:04,012 --> 00:09:05,022 You do that? 185 00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:07,010 [Samantha] I make the courtesy call. 186 00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:10,003 "Do you think you love him? Blah, blah, blah." 187 00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:12,023 Well, you just caught us a little off guard 188 00:09:12,017 --> 00:09:13,017 with the lesbian thing. 189 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,010 That's just a label like Gucci or Versace. 190 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:17,024 Or Birkenstock. 191 00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:20,010 This is not about being gay or straight. 192 00:09:20,013 --> 00:09:22,023 Maria is an incredible woman. 193 00:09:22,021 --> 00:09:25,001 She's got passion and talent, 194 00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:27,995 -intelligence and-- -A vagina. 195 00:09:28,004 --> 00:09:29,024 Oh, vagina schmagina. 196 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,010 Schmagina? 197 00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:33,018 Is that what the lesbians are calling it? 198 00:09:33,022 --> 00:09:36,012 For your information, we haven't even had sex yet. 199 00:09:36,013 --> 00:09:39,013 Wow, you really are in a relationship. 200 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:43,012 Yes, I am, Carrie, life is not all about sex. 201 00:09:43,011 --> 00:09:46,001 Yeah, try telling that to her schmagina. 202 00:09:46,005 --> 00:09:48,005 I want a bourbon and I want to go down on you. 203 00:09:48,016 --> 00:09:49,996 [Samantha speaking on phone] 204 00:09:50,002 --> 00:09:52,012 Not necessarily in that order. 205 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,019 [Samantha] The truth is... 206 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,020 I really want it to be special the first time. 207 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,010 Well, I'm sure that it will be special. 208 00:10:00,007 --> 00:10:05,007 I'm... I'm sure it will be special because-- 209 00:10:05,010 --> 00:10:07,010 [Samantha] Is Ray there? 210 00:10:07,013 --> 00:10:10,003 No, no, no, Samantha, I'm listening... I... 211 00:10:10,004 --> 00:10:13,014 Uh... I'm listening. 212 00:10:13,007 --> 00:10:15,017 The next day, I thought about what Samantha said. 213 00:10:15,017 --> 00:10:16,997 She wasn't having sex 214 00:10:17,005 --> 00:10:19,005 because she wanted to have a relationship, 215 00:10:19,007 --> 00:10:20,997 and I was having mind-blowing sex, 216 00:10:21,004 --> 00:10:23,014 hoping to turn it into a relationship. 217 00:10:23,015 --> 00:10:24,995 So, there you have it. 218 00:10:25,002 --> 00:10:27,012 We've got a relationship without sex 219 00:10:27,007 --> 00:10:28,017 and sex without a relationship. 220 00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:31,022 Which had a better shot at survival? 221 00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:33,009 I couldn't help but wonder... 222 00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:36,019 What comes first, the chicken or the sex? 223 00:10:36,023 --> 00:10:39,023 That night, I decided to really talk to Ray. 224 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,020 I figured we needed to catch the relationship up to the sex. 225 00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:46,011 Well, that was the plan. 226 00:10:46,008 --> 00:10:49,018 [Carrie] Wait, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. 227 00:10:49,018 --> 00:10:53,018 I asked you a question, where did you go to school? 228 00:10:53,022 --> 00:10:55,012 All over. 229 00:10:55,009 --> 00:10:58,019 -[Carrie giggles] -Oh, freckles on the legs, 230 00:10:58,021 --> 00:11:00,021 nothing wrong with that. 231 00:11:00,022 --> 00:11:03,022 [Carrie] It was my best relationship ever. 232 00:11:03,018 --> 00:11:05,018 [screaming] 233 00:11:05,022 --> 00:11:08,002 Meanwhile, over at Casa de Lesbo... 234 00:11:08,006 --> 00:11:10,016 [Samantha] That coq au vin was amazing. 235 00:11:10,021 --> 00:11:15,011 You can paint, you can cook, you can do everything. 236 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,018 [Maria laughs] 237 00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:25,023 But you brought the most incredible dessert. 238 00:11:26,001 --> 00:11:28,001 [whispers] Take a bite. 239 00:11:32,014 --> 00:11:35,014 [Carrie] Samantha decided if she was going to be gay, 240 00:11:35,015 --> 00:11:37,015 she'd be gay all the way. 241 00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:46,019 I might not be much in the kitchen, 242 00:11:46,021 --> 00:11:50,021 but I'm more than enough in the bedroom. 243 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:58,012 [moaning] 244 00:12:01,009 --> 00:12:02,999 Oh, baby. 245 00:12:03,004 --> 00:12:04,024 Samantha. 246 00:12:06,001 --> 00:12:08,021 It's not really working for me. 247 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:11,011 [Carrie] It was a phrase 248 00:12:11,008 --> 00:12:13,008 Samantha had never heard in bed before. 249 00:12:13,016 --> 00:12:17,006 Well, honey, I've never gotten any complaints from the men. 250 00:12:17,012 --> 00:12:19,002 [giggles] 251 00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,014 Well, men... 252 00:12:23,012 --> 00:12:27,012 I want you to look at me... 253 00:12:29,002 --> 00:12:31,022 Connect with me. 254 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,023 This is lovemaking. 255 00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:38,022 It's not a porno flick. 256 00:12:38,023 --> 00:12:42,003 I want to show you. I'm gonna lay down 257 00:12:42,005 --> 00:12:44,015 and I want you to look at my boceta. 258 00:12:46,013 --> 00:12:49,023 That's a Portuguese word for pussy. 259 00:12:58,001 --> 00:12:59,011 [Carrie] Meanwhile, Miranda, 260 00:12:59,009 --> 00:13:00,019 still off sex and on chocolate, 261 00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:03,011 couldn't bring herself to order the seven eclairs 262 00:13:03,009 --> 00:13:04,019 she really wanted. 263 00:13:04,020 --> 00:13:06,020 So, she asked for just one. 264 00:13:06,022 --> 00:13:10,002 One cake... Please. 265 00:13:10,002 --> 00:13:11,012 Which do you recommend? 266 00:13:11,013 --> 00:13:12,023 I'd go with the Louvre. 267 00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:15,020 Monsieur Payard's signature chocolate cake. 268 00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,000 Wow. 269 00:13:17,003 --> 00:13:18,023 -Sold. -Okay, 270 00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:20,013 that'll be $74.50. 271 00:13:20,015 --> 00:13:23,005 As in 74 dollars and 50 cents? 272 00:13:23,015 --> 00:13:24,015 Yes. 273 00:13:24,018 --> 00:13:26,018 [Carrie] Miranda decided she didn't need a cake 274 00:13:26,018 --> 00:13:27,998 that badly... 275 00:13:30,015 --> 00:13:34,015 Especially when she could make one for under five dollars. 276 00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:39,001 Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself. 277 00:13:39,002 --> 00:13:44,012 [Carrie giggling] 278 00:13:45,017 --> 00:13:49,017 Oh! Oh! 279 00:13:53,010 --> 00:13:54,020 [moaning] 280 00:13:56,023 --> 00:13:58,013 Oh! 281 00:13:59,008 --> 00:14:01,018 Oh! Oh! Oh! 282 00:14:02,001 --> 00:14:04,001 Trey, I'm on the mallard! 283 00:14:04,002 --> 00:14:05,022 Sorry. 284 00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:09,006 [moaning] 285 00:14:15,018 --> 00:14:17,018 [Carrie giggling] 286 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,019 He still hasn't asked me to move back in. 287 00:14:58,001 --> 00:15:00,021 We make love all over the apartment, and then in the morning 288 00:15:00,018 --> 00:15:02,008 I get up and get in a cab and go home 289 00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,019 just like a Park Avenue hooker! 290 00:15:03,019 --> 00:15:04,019 Can't you bring it up? 291 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000 No! We finally got the penis working, 292 00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,006 I don't want to scare it. 293 00:15:08,016 --> 00:15:09,016 [laughs] 294 00:15:09,019 --> 00:15:10,999 Why can't I have the relationship and the sex? 295 00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:13,005 -Why is it one or the other? -You got me. 296 00:15:13,011 --> 00:15:16,011 I wanna order. Where's the lesbian du jour? 297 00:15:16,009 --> 00:15:18,019 Oh, listen, you guys, when she gets here, 298 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,000 we have to talk about her relationship. 299 00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:23,016 She was kind of mad we didn't take it seriously last time. 300 00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:26,012 Oh, please. She isn't having a relationship. 301 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,018 She's just doing this to bug us. 302 00:15:27,019 --> 00:15:28,019 I don't know. 303 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,010 They haven't even had sex yet. 304 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:33,013 She said she wants it to be special. 305 00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:36,000 -Really? -Yeah. 306 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:38,002 Well, then we should be supportive. 307 00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:40,016 This is the healthiest thing Samantha's done in a long time. 308 00:15:40,017 --> 00:15:42,017 Does anybody want to split the chocolate pudding? 309 00:15:44,006 --> 00:15:45,006 Morning, ladies. 310 00:15:45,015 --> 00:15:48,015 -Morning! -[all] Hi! 311 00:15:50,012 --> 00:15:51,022 Tell us about your relationship. 312 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,020 How is everything going with Maria? 313 00:15:53,021 --> 00:15:55,001 Well, 314 00:15:55,002 --> 00:15:56,012 did you know 315 00:15:56,014 --> 00:15:58,014 that when a vagina gets engorged, 316 00:15:58,012 --> 00:16:00,022 it expands to the size of a fist? 317 00:16:00,019 --> 00:16:02,019 It's like a fabulous cave. 318 00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,010 I guess they've had sex. 319 00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:05,997 -Apparently so. -And we have 320 00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:07,023 three holes down there. 321 00:16:07,021 --> 00:16:10,011 Okay, stop talking about your relationship. 322 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:13,020 But it's fascinating! There are places a dick just can't go. 323 00:16:13,019 --> 00:16:16,009 Oh, some dicks manage just fine. 324 00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:18,020 Please, Maria has ten dicks. 325 00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:20,018 For the record, you started this. 326 00:16:21,012 --> 00:16:22,022 I am sorry, 327 00:16:23,001 --> 00:16:26,011 but a finger is not a dick. 328 00:16:26,012 --> 00:16:28,022 Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick, 329 00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:31,999 so technically, Maria only has three and a third dicks. 330 00:16:32,002 --> 00:16:33,012 I can tell you right now, 331 00:16:33,010 --> 00:16:35,020 this... 332 00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:39,001 is not the same as this... 333 00:16:39,004 --> 00:16:41,004 Okay, put that away. 334 00:16:41,006 --> 00:16:44,016 I'm just saying, size has nothing to do with it. 335 00:16:44,019 --> 00:16:46,009 What's happening to you? 336 00:16:46,015 --> 00:16:48,005 I'm getting an education. 337 00:16:48,012 --> 00:16:51,012 Not only do I now know everything there is to know 338 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,010 about the glorious boceta. 339 00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:55,005 That's Portuguese for pussy. 340 00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:56,022 Boceta, schmagina, 341 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,000 let's call the whole thing off. 342 00:16:58,005 --> 00:17:00,005 -The most important thing... -[Charlotte laughs] 343 00:17:00,008 --> 00:17:03,018 ...is that Maria has taught me how to connect during sex. 344 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,012 It's not just some animal act... 345 00:17:07,005 --> 00:17:10,995 It's about two people making love. 346 00:17:11,021 --> 00:17:16,021 Yeah. 347 00:17:17,011 --> 00:17:19,011 [knocking] 348 00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:21,007 -Hey. -Hi. 349 00:17:21,013 --> 00:17:23,003 -I couldn't pick a shirt. -Oh. 350 00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:24,013 Red, blue, I didn't know. Come on in. 351 00:17:24,013 --> 00:17:27,003 -I'm making margaritas. -Hey! 352 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,004 Look what I bought today. 353 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,997 My first jazz CD. 354 00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:35,003 No, no, no, no. 355 00:17:35,006 --> 00:17:37,996 No. You gotta hear that on vinyl. 356 00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:41,009 Wait, Ray. 357 00:17:41,013 --> 00:17:42,023 Ray, Ray... 358 00:17:42,022 --> 00:17:44,012 Ray! Ray, stop. 359 00:17:45,006 --> 00:17:46,006 Don't play anything. 360 00:17:46,014 --> 00:17:50,014 Don't scat, don't chop, don't blend, don't-- 361 00:17:50,008 --> 00:17:51,008 Could we-- 362 00:17:51,016 --> 00:17:53,016 Could we just sit and talk for awhile? 363 00:17:53,021 --> 00:17:57,011 Oh, the "gotta talk" girl, gotta talk, gotta talk. 364 00:17:57,016 --> 00:17:59,006 "What are you thinking? Where is this going?" 365 00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:01,996 No, I'm not that girl, I'm not, um... 366 00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:06,003 I'm not any girl, I just want to talk. 367 00:18:06,005 --> 00:18:08,005 You know, talk... 368 00:18:08,016 --> 00:18:12,006 Like... Where are you from? You said something 369 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,007 about the Jersey Shore. 370 00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:15,010 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I spent a couple summers there. 371 00:18:16,010 --> 00:18:17,020 Used to work on the boardwalk. 372 00:18:17,018 --> 00:18:19,018 There was this skeet shooting place I used to go to with my buddies. 373 00:18:19,018 --> 00:18:22,008 -Um, on the Jersey Shore? -Upstate New York. College. 374 00:18:22,014 --> 00:18:24,004 And, pull! 375 00:18:24,006 --> 00:18:25,996 Man, why no skeet in the city? 376 00:18:26,006 --> 00:18:27,006 I love the skeet. 377 00:18:27,016 --> 00:18:28,016 I should open one in New York, 378 00:18:29,001 --> 00:18:30,001 maybe sell a club. 379 00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:32,016 Canned corn, when was the last time you had canned corn? 380 00:18:32,022 --> 00:18:35,002 That sounds good right now. You hungry? 381 00:18:35,002 --> 00:18:36,012 Well, no, because I... 382 00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:38,000 -[mixer whirring] -...remember I met-- 383 00:18:38,005 --> 00:18:40,015 I had a pot pie in Vegas once, loaded with corn... 384 00:18:40,022 --> 00:18:42,012 [Carrie] As Ray talked, 385 00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:46,020 I realized he wasn't spontaneous and unpredictable and thrilling. 386 00:18:46,022 --> 00:18:48,012 [Ray babbling] 387 00:18:48,007 --> 00:18:50,007 He was a guy with ADD. 388 00:18:50,014 --> 00:18:51,024 [Ray] My mom used to drink. 389 00:18:51,018 --> 00:18:53,008 [Carrie] What kind of relationship could I have 390 00:18:53,014 --> 00:18:55,014 with a guy I couldn't even talk to? 391 00:18:55,016 --> 00:18:56,996 Flaky crust. 392 00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,023 [Carrie] I'd have to end it. 393 00:18:58,023 --> 00:19:00,023 You like pies? 394 00:19:02,003 --> 00:19:03,013 Ray? 395 00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:06,000 Wanna play me? 396 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,010 Yeah. 397 00:19:08,007 --> 00:19:09,997 [Carrie] Eventually. 398 00:19:11,006 --> 00:19:12,016 [giggles] 399 00:19:16,008 --> 00:19:18,998 Meanwhile, uptown... 400 00:19:19,002 --> 00:19:20,002 So, I was thinking-- 401 00:19:20,004 --> 00:19:22,004 [Carrie] ...Charlotte gave Trey one more chance 402 00:19:22,002 --> 00:19:23,012 to ask her to move in. 403 00:19:23,008 --> 00:19:25,008 Uh... I'm just gonna say it. [clears throat] 404 00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:28,997 Next time I'm hard, 405 00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:32,013 would you consider measuring my John Thomas? 406 00:19:32,008 --> 00:19:34,998 What? No! 407 00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:37,013 I understand, it's juvenile, I know. 408 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:40,010 But I've just never seen it like this. 409 00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:45,002 I'm taking a shower. 410 00:19:45,004 --> 00:19:48,024 [Carrie] Charlotte was never a woman who cared much about penises, 411 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:52,011 and now a penis was running her life. 412 00:19:54,022 --> 00:19:56,012 Forget it. 413 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,010 [intense music] 414 00:20:02,016 --> 00:20:04,006 [Carrie] As Charlotte lathered up, 415 00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:07,024 she really started to get lathered up. 416 00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:10,002 Who did he think he was? 417 00:20:10,004 --> 00:20:12,024 He was her husband, and she was his wife. 418 00:20:12,017 --> 00:20:16,007 What the hell was going on in this Upper East Side nightmare? 419 00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:19,024 -Trey! -Huh? 420 00:20:19,021 --> 00:20:22,021 I'm tired of being married to your penis! 421 00:20:23,001 --> 00:20:24,011 I am a person 422 00:20:24,012 --> 00:20:26,012 and this is supposed to be a relationship! 423 00:20:26,010 --> 00:20:28,010 And I am done walking on eggshells! 424 00:20:28,014 --> 00:20:31,014 "Oh, don't talk about moving in in front of the penis 425 00:20:31,013 --> 00:20:32,023 'cause it might go soft. 426 00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:36,010 The penis likes this and the penis doesn't like that! 427 00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:38,020 And the penis wants to be measured!" 428 00:20:38,023 --> 00:20:41,013 -It was just a thought. -Well, here's another thought! 429 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,017 You can shove this marriage up your ass! 430 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:45,000 Charlotte, don't go. 431 00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:47,023 No, I'm going home to my own apartment 432 00:20:47,020 --> 00:20:49,010 where I have a lease. 433 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:53,014 I hope that you and your penis have a very lovely night! 434 00:21:04,019 --> 00:21:07,019 [Carrie] Meanwhile, Miranda was getting fed up as well... 435 00:21:07,023 --> 00:21:10,003 with herself. 436 00:21:36,005 --> 00:21:38,995 [Carrie on answering machine] Hi, it's me, leave a message. 437 00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:40,023 I know you're probably busy 438 00:21:40,023 --> 00:21:43,013 having mind-blowing sex right now, 439 00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,020 but I feel that you need to know 440 00:21:45,001 --> 00:21:47,001 your good friend, Miranda Hobbes, 441 00:21:47,003 --> 00:21:50,003 has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage 442 00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,024 and eaten it. 443 00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:53,020 You'll probably need this information 444 00:21:53,017 --> 00:21:56,017 when you check me into the "Betty Crocker Clinic." 445 00:22:12,021 --> 00:22:15,001 [Carrie] That night, Miranda realized 446 00:22:15,005 --> 00:22:18,015 she'd been using chocolate as a substitute for sex, 447 00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:21,020 and now she needed a substitute for chocolate. 448 00:22:29,012 --> 00:22:32,002 The strike was officially over. 449 00:22:32,004 --> 00:22:34,004 [vibrating] 450 00:22:34,004 --> 00:22:35,024 [Maria] That's perfect! 451 00:22:35,019 --> 00:22:37,019 [Carrie] And just when she thought she knew everything 452 00:22:37,018 --> 00:22:39,018 there was to know about women... 453 00:22:39,019 --> 00:22:41,999 [Maria] Ah! 454 00:22:42,006 --> 00:22:45,006 [Carrie] ...Samantha caused the very elusive 455 00:22:45,007 --> 00:22:47,007 female ejaculation. 456 00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:48,007 Was that good or bad? 457 00:22:48,015 --> 00:22:52,005 That was very good. 458 00:22:52,007 --> 00:22:55,997 [Carrie] Samantha got the relationship and the sex. 459 00:22:56,003 --> 00:22:59,023 In fact, a little more sex than she'd expected. 460 00:23:02,013 --> 00:23:04,013 I want some water. 461 00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:08,008 You want some water? Be right back. 462 00:23:08,009 --> 00:23:10,019 [Carrie] The next morning, I woke up with a new thought. 463 00:23:10,023 --> 00:23:12,023 Maybe Ray was like jazz 464 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,010 and instead of trying to make him be something else, 465 00:23:15,011 --> 00:23:16,021 I needed to let go, 466 00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:18,019 and appreciate him for what he was... 467 00:23:18,020 --> 00:23:21,010 truly mind-blowing sex. 468 00:23:21,012 --> 00:23:23,002 [giggles] 469 00:23:23,004 --> 00:23:25,024 [banjo playing] 470 00:23:36,019 --> 00:23:38,019 Ray? 471 00:23:44,002 --> 00:23:45,022 [Carrie] But unfortunately, 472 00:23:45,018 --> 00:23:48,008 I got the feeling Ray had stopped playing me 473 00:23:48,014 --> 00:23:51,014 and moved on to another instrument. 474 00:24:01,001 --> 00:24:02,021 Good morning, ma'am. 475 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,020 Morning. 476 00:24:06,007 --> 00:24:08,997 You, uh, left something at my-- 477 00:24:10,009 --> 00:24:12,009 At the apartment. 478 00:24:12,009 --> 00:24:13,019 Oh. 479 00:24:16,020 --> 00:24:20,010 Charlotte, I want you to move back in 480 00:24:20,010 --> 00:24:23,010 and get rid of this old apartment. 481 00:24:23,010 --> 00:24:26,000 And stay all night every night. 482 00:24:26,003 --> 00:24:30,003 And wake up next to me every morning and be my wife. 483 00:24:31,018 --> 00:24:33,008 You do? 484 00:24:33,009 --> 00:24:34,999 Yeah. 485 00:24:35,003 --> 00:24:38,023 I talked it over with my penis and we both agree. 486 00:24:40,015 --> 00:24:42,015 I don't want to lose you again. 487 00:24:44,017 --> 00:24:47,997 Charlotte York MacDougal... 488 00:24:48,021 --> 00:24:51,011 Will you remarry me? 489 00:24:51,010 --> 00:24:54,000 Yes, Trey MacDougal, 490 00:24:54,002 --> 00:24:55,022 I will remarry you. 491 00:25:15,008 --> 00:25:17,998 [saxophone playing] 492 00:25:19,009 --> 00:25:21,009 [Carrie] Walking home from ADD, 493 00:25:21,008 --> 00:25:22,018 "Another Dating Disaster," 494 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,020 I worried that there's a reason they call it "mind-blowing" sex. 495 00:25:26,019 --> 00:25:28,019 Maybe that kind of physical connection 496 00:25:28,020 --> 00:25:31,010 obliterates the chance of an intellectual one. 497 00:25:31,012 --> 00:25:35,002 Or maybe it's possible to find both. 498 00:25:35,003 --> 00:25:38,023 That's what I was hoping, because great sex is great, 499 00:25:39,001 --> 00:25:42,021 but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.