1
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,880
My friend Charlotte
was dating Dr. Bram Walker...
2
00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:03,999
a very hard-working
orthopedic surgeon.
3
00:01:05,792 --> 00:01:10,292
Bram?
4
00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:11,959
What?
5
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:13,632
Were you asleep?
6
00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:16,252
No, no, I was
just resting my eyes.
7
00:01:16,583 --> 00:01:17,583
Oh, my God.
8
00:01:18,083 --> 00:01:20,633
Okay, I fell
asleep for one second.
9
00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,381
Oh, oh, my God, I...
10
00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:24,288
I've been up since five,
I had three carpal tunnels.
11
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,825
It's very exhaustive
reconstructive work.
12
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:31,634
He fell asleep when
he was making love to me.
13
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:32,960
-Oh.
-He fell asleep!
14
00:01:33,041 --> 00:01:34,671
Sweetie, he was tired.
15
00:01:34,750 --> 00:01:37,080
This has nothing to do with you.
16
00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:39,753
Has a man ever fallen asleep
making love to you?
17
00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:43,294
No, but I'm sure
many of them wanted to.
18
00:01:43,375 --> 00:01:45,825
I can't believe this
happened to me!
19
00:01:45,917 --> 00:01:47,667
You want some herb tea?
How about some herb tea?
20
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,710
I must be really bad in bed.
21
00:01:49,792 --> 00:01:51,502
You are not bad in bed.
22
00:01:51,583 --> 00:01:54,673
Okay, I've got, uh,
Constant Comment
and Tummy T--
23
00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:56,580
Charlotte, honey,
you want some Tummy Tamer?
24
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:57,577
Of course it's her.
25
00:01:57,667 --> 00:01:58,577
And I have to say,
26
00:01:58,667 --> 00:01:59,577
I'm not surprised.
27
00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:01,377
Ever seen her on a StairMaster?
28
00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:03,248
Nothing happening
below the waist.
29
00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:04,423
Nada. No sale.
30
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,750
How can you say that?
31
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,714
Even if she was bad in bed,
which she isn't,
32
00:02:08,792 --> 00:02:10,672
is it really that important?
33
00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:11,880
Absolutely.
34
00:02:11,959 --> 00:02:14,329
Who we are in bed,
is who we are in life.
35
00:02:14,542 --> 00:02:16,582
I never met a man
who was bad in bed
36
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:17,667
who was good at life.
37
00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:20,125
And just for the record,
in bed, you are...
38
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,038
Don't make me state the obvious.
39
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:24,173
How can you be so sure?
40
00:02:24,250 --> 00:02:27,960
Well, no one ever took a nap
while fucking me and...
41
00:02:28,041 --> 00:02:29,961
I get affirmations all the time.
42
00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:31,291
Why, just last week...
43
00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:32,625
It seems, last week,
44
00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:33,959
Samantha was invited to dinner
45
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:36,211
by a gay couple
she'd known for years...
46
00:02:36,291 --> 00:02:37,791
David and David.
47
00:02:37,875 --> 00:02:39,745
Well, thanks for
a lovely dinner.
48
00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,134
It was fun.
49
00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:44,248
Well, I have to admit,
we have an ulterior motive.
50
00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:45,625
What?
51
00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:47,875
We were wondering
if you were seeing anybody
52
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:48,959
special right now?
53
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,880
Well, actually, no.
54
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,000
Do you have a hot guy for me?
55
00:02:53,083 --> 00:02:54,583
-Hmm?
56
00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:55,884
Two.
57
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,500
-No!
-Yes!
58
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,463
We want to have sex
with a woman.
59
00:03:06,750 --> 00:03:07,960
Are you serious?
60
00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:09,291
Totally,
I've always been curious
61
00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:10,375
what it would be like.
62
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,668
Neither one of us
has ever done it
63
00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,790
and we thought it might be fun.
64
00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:14,995
And then we were like, well,
65
00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:17,003
if we were gonna do it
with a woman,
66
00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:17,883
who would it be?
67
00:03:17,959 --> 00:03:19,919
And then we were like, aw,
68
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,920
-Samantha.
-Totally.
69
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,130
We decided of all
the beautiful women we know,
70
00:03:25,208 --> 00:03:27,248
you were probably
the best in bed.
71
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:28,673
Totally.
72
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,460
-Look at that!
73
00:03:31,750 --> 00:03:33,460
So I'm thinking about doing it.
74
00:03:33,542 --> 00:03:36,212
-They're cute, they're healthy.
-They're gay!
75
00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:37,541
You know,
for a sex columnist
76
00:03:37,625 --> 00:03:39,745
you have a very
limited view of sexuality.
77
00:03:39,834 --> 00:03:41,334
Gay as pink suede.
78
00:03:41,417 --> 00:03:43,457
Wake up! It's 2000.
79
00:03:43,792 --> 00:03:45,962
The new millennium won't
be about sexual labels,
80
00:03:46,041 --> 00:03:47,791
it'll be about
sexual expression.
81
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:50,125
It won't matter if you're
sleeping with men or women.
82
00:03:50,208 --> 00:03:52,538
It'll be about sleeping
with individuals.
83
00:03:52,625 --> 00:03:54,495
Or in your case, twos or threes.
84
00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:56,753
Soon everyone will be pansexual.
85
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:58,504
It won't matter
if you're gay or straight.
86
00:03:58,959 --> 00:04:00,919
Just if you're
good or bad in bed.
87
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,290
Exactly.
88
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:05,535
That night I got
to thinking about bed.
89
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:08,375
Are we secretly being graded
every time we invite someone
90
00:04:08,458 --> 00:04:09,668
to join us in it?
91
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,000
A+, B, D, incomplete.
92
00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:16,333
Is making love really nothing
more than a pop quiz?
93
00:04:16,417 --> 00:04:18,417
And if sex is a test,
94
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,000
how do we know
if we're passing or failing?
95
00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:23,333
How do you know
if you're good in bed?
96
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,077
Later that week,
I was walking home
97
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,996
thinking about my own
sexual report card when...
98
00:04:31,166 --> 00:04:32,206
Ow!
99
00:04:32,291 --> 00:04:34,081
God! What the hell was--
100
00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:35,326
-I am--
-What was that?
101
00:04:35,417 --> 00:04:37,247
Christ, I'm sorry.
I-- I didn't see you.
102
00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:38,923
I just threw my cigarette.
103
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,710
I thought I was stung by a bee.
104
00:04:40,792 --> 00:04:41,582
Jesus!
105
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:42,537
I-- I'm sorry.
106
00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,165
I did-- Did it leave a mark?
107
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:46,419
You can't smoke
in the restaurant.
108
00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,670
You know, I'm a smoker.
109
00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:49,330
Yeah, I'm a smoker too,
but come on, pally,
110
00:04:49,417 --> 00:04:51,667
watch where you throw
those things, huh?
111
00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:55,376
No, it didn't leave a mark.
112
00:04:55,458 --> 00:04:58,208
As the pain subsided,
my mind was free to notice
113
00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,541
how incredibly
cute this guy was.
114
00:05:00,625 --> 00:05:01,875
Look, I am sorry.
115
00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:04,040
My name's Patrick.
Patrick Casey.
116
00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:06,248
Carrie Bradshaw, burn victim.
117
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,463
How--
how weird was that?
118
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,752
I mean, that was--
that was intense.
119
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:11,044
But you-- you gotta admit,
120
00:05:11,125 --> 00:05:13,375
it's a pretty clever way
to meet the ladies.
121
00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,288
Oh, so you got
a little comedy routine
122
00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:16,575
going there, huh, Patrick?
123
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:17,877
A little bit.
124
00:05:18,208 --> 00:05:20,038
But listen, I--
I really feel bad.
125
00:05:20,125 --> 00:05:22,455
So at least let me
buy you a cup of coffee
126
00:05:22,542 --> 00:05:24,082
or some burn salve?
127
00:05:24,417 --> 00:05:25,497
Not funny yet.
128
00:05:25,583 --> 00:05:27,543
Sorry.
-But it might be...
129
00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:29,165
after a cappuccino.
130
00:05:29,458 --> 00:05:31,668
There's a place right
around the corner.
131
00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,205
We can smoke there.
132
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,881
Three Marlboros
and two Marlboro Lights later,
133
00:05:35,959 --> 00:05:38,169
I had learned that
Patrick was a composer
134
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:39,920
who wrote music for the movies.
135
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,670
So what type of movies
do you compose for?
136
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,170
Really bad ones.
137
00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:45,830
You know,
138
00:05:45,917 --> 00:05:48,497
"I Screamed When I Knew What You
Did Last Summer
On Elm Street," type.
139
00:05:48,709 --> 00:05:51,579
Well, as long as you're
challenged by what you do.
140
00:05:52,458 --> 00:05:54,168
Oh, damn it!
141
00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:57,630
Patrick Casey, whoever you are.
142
00:05:57,709 --> 00:05:59,169
I'm late. I have to go.
143
00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:00,330
Aww.
144
00:06:00,417 --> 00:06:01,707
Thank you for the coffee.
145
00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:06,132
And maybe one day you'll
give me scar tissue again.
146
00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:08,128
You're great.
147
00:06:08,709 --> 00:06:10,629
Thanks.
148
00:06:10,709 --> 00:06:12,999
As I walked away,
I started to think.
149
00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,043
How many cute, smart,
single smokers
150
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,535
are there left in the world?
151
00:06:16,625 --> 00:06:18,165
Seven?
152
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:21,540
I decided to do something
I almost never do...
153
00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:23,625
give a man my phone number.
154
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:28,127
Hi. This whole burn lawsuit
I plan to initiate,
155
00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:30,043
it might get a little crazy.
156
00:06:30,125 --> 00:06:31,325
So here is...
157
00:06:33,041 --> 00:06:34,081
my phone number.
158
00:06:34,166 --> 00:06:35,746
You'll need that
for your attorney...
159
00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:39,464
Or if you want to have
coffee again some time.
160
00:06:39,542 --> 00:06:40,882
I left feeling great.
161
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:42,789
It was such a cute approach.
162
00:06:42,875 --> 00:06:44,205
How could he not call?
163
00:06:44,291 --> 00:06:45,751
Come on, how could he not call?
164
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:47,174
It's been three days.
165
00:06:47,583 --> 00:06:49,583
Give him 12 more hours
and then send him off
166
00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:51,247
to the island of lost men.
167
00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,673
Well, I don't wanna
send him there,
I like him.
168
00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:55,670
Could you believe that someone
actually had the nerve
169
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,290
to call this color
Florentine peach?
170
00:06:58,375 --> 00:06:59,375
I can't believe
you had the nerve
171
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:00,918
to spend this much on sheets.
172
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,380
It's an experiment.
173
00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:04,325
I'm trying
to change my bed Karma.
174
00:07:04,417 --> 00:07:08,417
I figure if I can make my bed
a place I really want to be...
175
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,920
others will feel the same way.
176
00:07:10,166 --> 00:07:12,246
Ah! The field of dreams.
177
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:15,423
Exactly.
If you build it, he will come.
178
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,040
The thing that gets me is
I'm not usually wrong
179
00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,075
about the phone-number-size-up.
180
00:07:20,166 --> 00:07:21,416
I don't put it out there
181
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,170
unless I'm pretty damn sure
it's coming back.
182
00:07:23,250 --> 00:07:27,750
I'm either really loving
or hating the color.
183
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:28,794
He thinks I'm ugly.
184
00:07:28,875 --> 00:07:31,745
Oh, my God... get a grip.
185
00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:35,285
A guy doesn't call you for
three days and you're ugly?
186
00:07:35,375 --> 00:07:36,415
What's your point?
187
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:37,500
Pillowcase.
188
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,752
It's amazing.
189
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,294
We can feel totally
good about ourselves,
190
00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:43,995
and then it all
goes out the window
191
00:07:44,083 --> 00:07:46,673
if the guy doesn't
mirror that right back to us.
192
00:07:46,750 --> 00:07:50,250
This has a little
weird thing here.
193
00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:51,463
Damnit.
194
00:07:51,542 --> 00:07:52,962
Does everything I bring
into this bedroom
195
00:07:53,041 --> 00:07:54,291
have to have a flaw?
196
00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:55,455
Ha, ha!
197
00:07:58,041 --> 00:07:59,291
The next day I was
in the village
198
00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,325
looking for the perfect
$7 vintage dress
199
00:08:01,417 --> 00:08:04,077
to go with my $300 shoes,
when...
200
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,130
I had a choice.
201
00:08:06,208 --> 00:08:07,628
I could turn around
and run away,
202
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:10,829
or I could smile,
be brave, and walk on over.
203
00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:15,625
Hey, hi.
204
00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,669
So what, Saturday's the day
you stand on the street
205
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,170
and smoke in the village?
206
00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:22,996
Hi, I'm Carrie.
207
00:08:23,083 --> 00:08:24,673
We're kind of in
the middle of something.
208
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:26,880
Oh, right, sure, sure, right.
209
00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:28,539
Uh, okay, bye.
210
00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:30,035
I was just on my way
to Perry street.
211
00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:31,245
This is Perry street.
212
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:34,213
Bleecker. Bleecker,
I meant Bleecker.
213
00:08:34,542 --> 00:08:37,082
Okay, bye.
And goodbye to you, too.
214
00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:42,380
Carrie!
215
00:08:44,125 --> 00:08:45,625
Listen, let me explain. I--
216
00:08:45,709 --> 00:08:47,169
No, no, no, I'm embarrassed.
217
00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:49,540
You know, you're obviously,
you're in the middle of a thing
218
00:08:49,625 --> 00:08:50,875
with your lover or whoever,
219
00:08:50,959 --> 00:08:52,879
-and I'm standing there all--
-No, no, no, I--
220
00:08:53,083 --> 00:08:54,253
I'm not gay.
221
00:08:55,417 --> 00:08:56,707
I'm an alcoholic.
222
00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,173
We were just waiting
for a meeting to start.
223
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:00,830
and I wanted to introduce you,
224
00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:03,247
but it's supposed
to be anonymous, so...
225
00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,713
Well, you know, I--
I really wasn't getting
the gay vibe from you,
226
00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:09,712
it's just, uh,
he was so cute and-- and--
227
00:09:09,792 --> 00:09:11,882
-I never called.
-Right.
228
00:09:11,959 --> 00:09:13,039
I was freaked.
229
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,880
You know, I've only been
in the program 11 months
230
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,709
and my sponsor said I really
shouldn't get involved
231
00:09:16,792 --> 00:09:19,132
with someone for a year, and...
232
00:09:20,041 --> 00:09:21,251
So...
233
00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:22,830
Well, okay.
234
00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:24,417
So, maybe you'll
call me in a month.
235
00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:26,829
It doesn't bother you
that I'm an alcoholic?
236
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,423
No, God, no.
237
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,630
No, I love alcoholics.
238
00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:31,629
Hell, I hope to be one someday.
239
00:09:32,875 --> 00:09:33,915
That was a joke.
240
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,460
That's not funny, yet.
241
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,832
But it might be
after a cappuccino.
242
00:09:38,250 --> 00:09:39,380
You know, what the fuck...
243
00:09:39,458 --> 00:09:40,668
It's only a couple of weeks.
244
00:09:40,750 --> 00:09:43,040
Would you like to go out
on a date sometime?
245
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,705
I can't think why not.
246
00:09:45,792 --> 00:09:46,962
You call me.
247
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,080
So I accepted
his kind invitation.
248
00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:51,746
Because when you think about it,
249
00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:53,924
aren't we all
in recovery from something?
250
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,880
Drinking?
Drugging?
251
00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:58,499
Our last relationship?
252
00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:01,463
On our first date,
Patrick and I went for coffee.
253
00:10:01,542 --> 00:10:03,172
Hey, I'm really compulsive.
254
00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:06,830
If I open up a bag
of Chips Ahoy,
I-- I gotta eat the whole thing.
255
00:10:06,917 --> 00:10:08,997
I'm like that
with Reese's Pieces.
256
00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:10,583
Reese's Pieces and shoes.
257
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:14,127
Wouldn't the shoes be
a little tough on digestion?
258
00:10:15,375 --> 00:10:17,955
Well, this is me.
259
00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:22,423
Thank you, Mr. Casey,
I had a great time.
260
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:26,420
Oh, no, Miss Burn Victim,
I had the great time.
261
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,380
Then, I gave him my
very best
262
00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:31,668
lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight
move.
263
00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:42,167
Well, that was...
264
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,500
Our next date, over dinner,
265
00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:45,963
he told me about
working his 12 steps.
266
00:10:46,041 --> 00:10:48,461
And after dinner,
I stood on my third step
267
00:10:48,542 --> 00:10:49,712
trying to work him.
268
00:10:49,792 --> 00:10:51,882
That smell is amazing.
What is that?
269
00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:54,035
Me.
270
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,754
I'll, uh, call you.
271
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:01,544
I couldn't figure
it out.
272
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,325
I knew he wanted me
because during my
273
00:11:09,417 --> 00:11:11,077
lean-in-and-kiss-me
goodnight move,
274
00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:14,456
I'd accidentally on purpose
felt his pop-up and say hello.
275
00:11:14,542 --> 00:11:17,332
So what was going on?
276
00:11:17,417 --> 00:11:19,667
By the third date
I wanted him even more
277
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:22,080
than a fistful
of Reese's Pieces.
278
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,830
Well, then, goodnight.
279
00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:31,037
That was that.
I'd hit my humiliation limit.
280
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,625
And then I thought,
281
00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:35,459
how many cute, smart, sexy,
single, smoking alcoholics
282
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,132
are there left in the world?
283
00:11:37,208 --> 00:11:38,248
Five?
284
00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:53,334
Do you want to come up?
285
00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:54,582
Yeah.
286
00:11:55,208 --> 00:11:56,538
But you see, the thing is...
287
00:11:56,625 --> 00:11:59,205
I-- I've never had sex sober.
288
00:11:59,542 --> 00:12:01,752
I've always been drunk or high.
289
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:03,833
I don't know
if I'll be any good.
290
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,788
Oh, what the hell.
291
00:12:07,375 --> 00:12:09,285
Let's take it
one step at a time.
292
00:12:13,959 --> 00:12:16,289
Oh! Oh!
293
00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:17,792
Ahhhh!
294
00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:21,129
Oh!
Woo!
295
00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:24,078
Oh, sex...
296
00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:26,078
is amazing.
297
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:29,633
It feels so fucking amazing.
298
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,455
Do other people know about this?
299
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,752
I mean... whoa!
300
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:34,754
Yeah!
301
00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:37,134
All right! I did it!
302
00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:38,788
Sex without beer!
303
00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:39,785
Yeah!
304
00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:41,205
Woo-hoo!
305
00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:44,503
Easy, cowboy.
306
00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:45,670
You!
307
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:47,330
What about you!
308
00:12:47,417 --> 00:12:48,877
You are the best.
309
00:12:48,959 --> 00:12:50,669
Well, you weren't
half bad yourself.
310
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:51,580
No!
311
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:52,997
You are the best.
312
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,747
You're the best.
313
00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:56,464
I aim to please.
314
00:12:58,458 --> 00:13:01,498
After we have a cigarette,
315
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:06,580
can we do it again?
316
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,580
I'm gonna have a Spanish omelet,
317
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,037
hash browns, some more coffee,
318
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,455
and orange juice.
319
00:13:14,542 --> 00:13:17,922
Oh, and, um, can I have some
rice pudding for later?
320
00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:19,330
Thanks.
321
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,039
Storing up for winter?
322
00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:22,625
No, I'm starving.
323
00:13:22,709 --> 00:13:24,959
Patrick and I... all last night
324
00:13:25,041 --> 00:13:26,041
and I'm just--
325
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,127
No, don't stop, it's okay.
326
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,828
I mean, just because
I'm bad in bed
327
00:13:29,917 --> 00:13:31,627
doesn't mean
everybody has to be.
328
00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:33,419
Okay, one more time.
329
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,920
-You are not bad in bed.
-Oh, really?
330
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,710
Has a man ever fallen asleep
making love to you?
331
00:13:38,792 --> 00:13:41,882
No, but I once fell
asleep when a guy was doing me.
332
00:13:41,959 --> 00:13:42,959
It was the ludes.
333
00:13:43,041 --> 00:13:44,081
It's okay.
334
00:13:44,166 --> 00:13:46,206
I'm mature enough
to realize that
335
00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:47,631
while I may be
good at some things,
336
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:50,129
like accessories...
337
00:13:50,208 --> 00:13:53,378
that I might need help
in others like...
338
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:54,753
Fucking?
339
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,134
Making love.
340
00:13:56,583 --> 00:13:57,673
So...
341
00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,170
I'm taking a class.
342
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,830
A fucking class?
343
00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:04,537
-No, a Tantric sex workshop.
344
00:14:04,625 --> 00:14:06,625
Well, just don't drink
any suspicious Kool-Aid
345
00:14:06,709 --> 00:14:07,669
or put on new Nikes.
346
00:14:07,750 --> 00:14:09,250
Oh, it's not like that.
347
00:14:09,333 --> 00:14:12,253
It's taught by this very well
respected woman psychologist.
348
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:15,043
It's called,
"How to Please a Man."
349
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,285
I know how to please a man.
350
00:14:16,375 --> 00:14:17,995
You just give away
most of your power.
351
00:14:19,208 --> 00:14:21,208
Look, I have a trainer
for the gym.
352
00:14:21,291 --> 00:14:22,711
I can have a trainer for...
353
00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:23,792
Fucking?
354
00:14:24,041 --> 00:14:25,421
Please stop saying that.
355
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:28,424
Are you-- are you actually
going to do this?
356
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:29,463
Yep.
357
00:14:29,542 --> 00:14:31,792
And, uh, seating was limited,
358
00:14:31,875 --> 00:14:33,035
so I signed you guys up.
359
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,500
-Please, please?
-I-- I...
360
00:14:36,583 --> 00:14:37,713
I can't go alone.
361
00:14:37,792 --> 00:14:39,712
And if Bram ever
falls asleep on me again,
362
00:14:39,792 --> 00:14:40,752
I will die.
363
00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,334
Please, pretty please,
364
00:14:42,417 --> 00:14:43,707
pretty please with sugar on it?
365
00:14:43,792 --> 00:14:44,882
Christ, I'm in.
366
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,880
What the hell,
I don't exactly have them
hanging from the rafters.
367
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,628
"How to Please
a Man."
368
00:14:50,709 --> 00:14:53,169
I could teach the damn class.
369
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:57,131
All right.
370
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,207
That night, while
David and David got undressed
371
00:15:04,291 --> 00:15:06,041
and waited for her
in the bedroom,
372
00:15:06,125 --> 00:15:07,325
Samantha began to wonder
373
00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:10,037
if maybe she was
about to go too far.
374
00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:13,625
Was she actually capable
of being this sexually free?
375
00:15:13,709 --> 00:15:16,209
Or was she getting in
over her head?
376
00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:17,921
She decided,
before there were any regrets,
377
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,791
they should all talk
about it a little more.
378
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:24,997
Listen, David and David,
maybe...
379
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,375
You look amazing.
380
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:29,918
-Just like Jean Harlow
in Red Dust .
381
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,500
Samantha loved
the Samantha mirrored at her
through the eyes of the David's.
382
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,253
-What the hell?
383
00:15:44,750 --> 00:16:07,000
Oh!
384
00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:19,463
They're so soft.
385
00:16:19,542 --> 00:16:21,002
I know.
386
00:16:35,208 --> 00:16:37,378
I can't do this.
387
00:16:37,583 --> 00:16:38,883
Neither can I.
388
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,495
But I--
389
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,673
We're just
getting start--
390
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:47,960
No. Can't. I'm sorry.
391
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:48,961
Sorry.
392
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,581
It's very pretty, but...
393
00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:52,133
no.
394
00:16:52,208 --> 00:16:54,248
It's not you. It's us.
395
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:55,673
I have an idea.
396
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:58,380
Let's all put on our clothes
and go out for gelati!
397
00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,748
-Cheesecake.
-Whatever.
398
00:17:03,417 --> 00:17:05,417
Suddenly, Samantha
wasn't feeling so good
399
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:06,920
about herself in bed.
400
00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:12,463
Oh, yikes.
401
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:17,206
I gotta go
or I'm going to be late
for the Tantric Workshop thing.
402
00:17:17,291 --> 00:17:21,171
Oh, baby,
you don't need a workshop.
403
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,040
Mmm, you are amazing.
404
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:26,375
Now, come on. Come on.
One more time.
405
00:17:26,792 --> 00:17:28,792
We did it last night
and all this morning.
406
00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:31,955
I could have sex with you
morning, noon, and night.
Now, come on.
407
00:17:32,041 --> 00:17:33,711
That's when
I realized it.
408
00:17:33,792 --> 00:17:36,212
Mr. Compulsive wasn't
in bed with me...
409
00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:37,711
More, come on.
410
00:17:37,792 --> 00:17:40,382
He was in bed
with a big bag of Chips Ahoy.
411
00:17:40,458 --> 00:17:41,498
More.
412
00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:44,535
The intent
of Tantric,
413
00:17:44,625 --> 00:17:47,955
"Sacred sexuality,"
414
00:17:48,041 --> 00:17:52,001
is to experience
and merge with the divine.
415
00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:54,133
I think Patrick's
addicted to me.
416
00:17:54,709 --> 00:17:57,039
It's like he's replaced
drinking with me.
417
00:17:57,125 --> 00:17:58,915
Yeah, "Program guys" are tough.
418
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,210
I dated a guy who was
in Overeaters Anonymous.
419
00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:02,541
And every time we had a fight,
420
00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:04,375
he'd binge eat
hot fudge sundaes.
421
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:05,708
Shh.
422
00:18:05,792 --> 00:18:07,382
In other words, ladies,
423
00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:10,458
to drive your man crazy.
424
00:18:10,542 --> 00:18:12,502
He wants to have sex
all the time.
425
00:18:12,583 --> 00:18:14,333
It's getting
a little out of hand.
426
00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:16,417
Well, at least
he wants to fuck you.
427
00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:18,080
They were gay.
428
00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:18,996
So?
429
00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,173
One minute they were interested
430
00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:22,170
and then, suddenly they weren't.
431
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,537
What did I do to turn them off?
432
00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:27,788
Not having a dick
would be the thing that you did
433
00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:29,035
-to turn them off.
434
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:31,165
You guys, I'm serious.
This is rude.
435
00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:36,290
And use it to bring
any man to his knees
436
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:37,880
with love, of course.
437
00:18:38,166 --> 00:18:40,576
Where was this bitch
last night when I needed her?
438
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,917
Shh. Shh! Be quiet
and you might learn something.
439
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,040
This lady is supposed
to be a genius.
440
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,290
If she's so good,
441
00:18:47,375 --> 00:18:50,285
why is she having this
workshop in her apartment?
442
00:18:50,375 --> 00:18:51,575
I don't know.
443
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:54,747
Tantric sex
is not about talk,
444
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,379
it's about action.
445
00:18:57,291 --> 00:18:59,671
Delayed action.
446
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,130
So...
447
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,418
without further "delay,"
448
00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:08,751
let me introduce my husband...
449
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:13,214
Dr. Ronny Shapiro.
450
00:19:14,041 --> 00:19:16,541
I will demonstrate
451
00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:21,415
the very effective
lingam massage.
452
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:25,580
I think I know why
we're in an apartment.
453
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:33,790
The receiver lies on his back
before the giver, naked.
454
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:38,786
Genitals clearly
exposed for the massage.
455
00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:40,375
You're not writing.
456
00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:45,000
Take your time
doing this...
457
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:46,463
An hour
and a half later,
458
00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:47,712
crippled by our inability
459
00:19:47,792 --> 00:19:49,332
to look away from a car crash,
460
00:19:49,417 --> 00:19:53,497
we watched as the Dr. Shapiro
illustrated Tantric sex.
461
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:56,833
Massage the head of the lingam
462
00:19:56,917 --> 00:19:59,917
as if you are
using an orange juicer.
463
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,995
Well, there go my good
feelings about breakfast.
464
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:06,293
Stop it!
You're embarrassing me.
465
00:20:06,375 --> 00:20:08,575
Oh, we're the embarrassing part?
466
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:13,035
Now,
place your right hand
467
00:20:13,125 --> 00:20:16,535
on the receiver's root chakra.
468
00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:18,125
-Root!
469
00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:21,248
The root chakra
is located between
470
00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:23,753
the anus and the genitals.
471
00:20:24,125 --> 00:20:26,915
Well, I think that I just
got my 50 bucks worth, so...
472
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:33,040
Gently rock
your hand to awaken this chakra.
473
00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:36,380
Clinically referred
to as perineum.
474
00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:39,498
Perineum,
Not without an engagement ring.
475
00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:41,882
Will the women who are laughing
476
00:20:41,959 --> 00:20:43,709
compose themselves?
477
00:20:43,792 --> 00:20:45,252
-Thank you.
478
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:49,877
Orgasm is not the goal
of lingam massage,
479
00:20:49,959 --> 00:20:55,329
but can be a pleasant
and very welcome side effect.
480
00:20:55,917 --> 00:20:59,327
Watch what I'm doing here.
481
00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:03,127
If you can master this,
482
00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:06,168
your man will
always be faithful.
483
00:21:06,417 --> 00:21:13,327
Because once they go Tantric,
they don't go back.
484
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,210
You go, girl.
485
00:21:17,166 --> 00:21:20,496
See that, can you all see this?
486
00:21:23,709 --> 00:21:24,999
Oh, my God!
487
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,957
He's gonna--
488
00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:32,575
Oh, God.
489
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:36,327
And just like that,
Miranda got hit by old faithful.
490
00:21:36,542 --> 00:21:38,332
-Oh!
491
00:21:38,417 --> 00:21:39,917
What's funny?
492
00:21:46,166 --> 00:21:48,916
That night,
after we talked Miranda in
from the ledge,
493
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,580
I met Patrick for a movie.
494
00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:54,127
So I was telling my sponsor
today how I felt about you,
495
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:55,788
and suddenly I realized,
496
00:21:55,875 --> 00:21:58,455
duh, maybe
I should just tell you.
497
00:21:58,542 --> 00:21:59,292
Oh.
498
00:21:59,375 --> 00:22:03,125
Carrie... I love you.
499
00:22:03,208 --> 00:22:04,628
There it was...
500
00:22:04,709 --> 00:22:06,919
the little phrase
every girl is dying to hear
501
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,250
a week and a half
into a relationship.
502
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:10,880
Oh, wow.
503
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,380
Well, thanks and that's, uh,
so...
504
00:22:15,875 --> 00:22:17,165
-Wow.
-What?
505
00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,170
Too soon.
Is that what you're thinking?
506
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:22,500
Well, we have been
going out like a minute.
507
00:22:22,583 --> 00:22:24,583
Oh, fuck that shit.
I don't want to play games.
508
00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:27,127
I'm just trying
to own my feelings.
509
00:22:28,291 --> 00:22:30,881
I-- I love you. I said it.
510
00:22:31,375 --> 00:22:34,455
Mr. Casey, you do not love me...
511
00:22:34,959 --> 00:22:37,749
You love you
not drinking with me.
512
00:22:37,834 --> 00:22:39,924
No, I love you.
513
00:22:41,917 --> 00:22:43,037
Okay, look...
514
00:22:43,959 --> 00:22:47,829
Gosh, I am, I-- it's--
I'm so flattered,
515
00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:49,580
but I just think
maybe we should,
516
00:22:49,667 --> 00:22:51,457
we should slow down
a little here.
517
00:22:51,542 --> 00:22:52,962
-What does that mean?
518
00:22:53,041 --> 00:22:55,331
It just-- it means that,
you know, it's--
519
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,877
things are going very fast,
and I just,
520
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,750
it-- you know,
you have all these new feelings.
521
00:22:58,834 --> 00:23:00,294
-'Cause you're not drinking--
-No, no, no.
522
00:23:00,375 --> 00:23:02,745
Don't give me
that program bullshit.
523
00:23:03,291 --> 00:23:05,291
This has nothing
to do with drinking.
524
00:23:07,709 --> 00:23:09,079
I love you.
525
00:23:10,208 --> 00:23:13,078
Maybe we should spend
a little time apart.
526
00:23:14,291 --> 00:23:15,831
I'll call you tomorrow.
527
00:23:16,417 --> 00:23:17,707
I'm not coming up?
528
00:23:17,792 --> 00:23:18,922
Just a couple nights.
529
00:23:20,291 --> 00:23:22,541
Are you breaking up with me?
'Cause if you break up--
530
00:23:22,625 --> 00:23:24,705
Patrick, I'm not,
I'm not breaking up with you.
531
00:23:24,792 --> 00:23:26,632
I'm just going inside.
532
00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:29,000
So call me tomorrow.
533
00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:31,461
We'll do something
next week, okay?
534
00:23:33,041 --> 00:23:34,961
What, what am I gonna do now?
535
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,710
Well, you should go
to a meeting.
536
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:41,333
And then you go home
and call me tomorrow.
537
00:23:43,333 --> 00:23:44,833
Okay? Goodnight.
538
00:23:45,875 --> 00:23:47,495
I'll see you next week.
539
00:23:50,041 --> 00:23:51,331
Go.
540
00:23:58,875 --> 00:24:00,495
Get yourself some cookies.
541
00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:08,125
Meanwhile, across
town at Charlotte's...
542
00:24:08,208 --> 00:24:10,128
Oh, my God, Charlotte,
what are you doing?
543
00:24:10,208 --> 00:24:12,578
Oh. Oh, God.
544
00:24:12,667 --> 00:24:13,877
Oh! Mmm.
545
00:24:13,959 --> 00:24:15,829
Oh, Charlotte, you are good.
546
00:24:15,917 --> 00:24:18,377
Sweet Christ. You are good.
547
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:20,830
Charlotte considered it
548
00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:23,917
the best 50 bucks
she'd ever spent.
549
00:24:27,208 --> 00:24:28,708
It cost Miranda a little more,
550
00:24:28,792 --> 00:24:31,882
but across town in her bed,
things were good as well.
551
00:24:45,542 --> 00:24:58,382
Carrie!
552
00:24:58,834 --> 00:25:00,464
Patrick, what are you doing?
553
00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:03,792
Huh? You, you bitch!
554
00:25:03,875 --> 00:25:04,785
Shit!
555
00:25:04,875 --> 00:25:06,375
I loved you.
556
00:25:07,041 --> 00:25:08,831
And you didn't love me.
557
00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:12,963
You fucking made me
date you before the month.
558
00:25:13,959 --> 00:25:15,709
And now I'm drunk.
559
00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:18,292
-Shh!
-And I don't care!
560
00:25:19,083 --> 00:25:21,133
-Carrie!
561
00:25:21,417 --> 00:25:23,707
I love you, Carrie!
562
00:25:23,959 --> 00:25:25,499
I love you!
563
00:25:25,583 --> 00:25:27,463
Make love to me!
564
00:25:28,667 --> 00:25:29,667
What are you doing?
565
00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,790
God, don't take
your clothes off.
566
00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:35,495
My first impulse
was to go down and rescue him,
567
00:25:35,583 --> 00:25:37,173
but as I learned
on our second date,
568
00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:39,080
that would be codependent.
569
00:25:39,166 --> 00:25:41,706
Still, I felt I had
to do something.
570
00:25:42,709 --> 00:25:45,789
Here, put this on,
you'll get a cold.
571
00:25:45,875 --> 00:25:49,415
I hope I fucking die!
572
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:50,960
Quiet, asshole,
I'll call the cops!
573
00:25:51,041 --> 00:25:53,921
Oh, shut the fuck up, dick weed!
574
00:25:55,083 --> 00:25:56,423
Carrie!
575
00:25:57,041 --> 00:26:00,381
You were the best fuck
I ever had!
576
00:26:00,458 --> 00:26:02,918
Three weeks later,
I got a letter from Patrick,
577
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,330
saying he was
back in the program
578
00:26:04,417 --> 00:26:06,127
and wanted to make amends.
579
00:26:06,208 --> 00:26:08,628
I never saw him again,
but I always
wondered two things...
580
00:26:08,709 --> 00:26:09,629
Carrie!
581
00:26:09,709 --> 00:26:11,289
Was he able to stay sober?
582
00:26:11,375 --> 00:26:13,665
Am I really that good in bed?