1 00:01:00,417 --> 00:01:03,247 [Carrie] Everyone has a worst nightmare. 2 00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:05,673 For some, it's bathing suit season. 3 00:01:05,750 --> 00:01:07,380 For others, it's knowing your birth certificate 4 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,628 can never be legally destroyed. 5 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,420 For Miranda, 6 00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:13,670 it was family hour at her gym. 7 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,461 Hey! What the--? 8 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,422 [children screaming] 9 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:23,499 [woman over P.A. system] Kiddie Jazzercise, 10 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,293 aerobics room one, 11 00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:26,785 five minutes. 12 00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:28,415 [Carrie] On Sundays, her whole neighborhood 13 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,580 became occupied territory, under siege to children. 14 00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:35,627 They were everywhere. Movie theaters, restaurants, bookstores, hair salons... 15 00:01:35,709 --> 00:01:38,669 Starbucks was basically a stroller parking lot. 16 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:42,830 Was it too much to hope for one small space to call her own? 17 00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:46,825 Uh, don't touch it, don't touch it. Please? 18 00:01:48,166 --> 00:01:49,576 Is there a problem? 19 00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:52,167 No, no, it's just that he really likes to push the button. 20 00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,875 Okay, fine, I'm in kind of a rush. Push one? 21 00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:56,463 Ah, Simon, see? This very pretty lady 22 00:01:56,542 --> 00:01:58,172 said that you could push the button. 23 00:01:59,417 --> 00:02:00,247 Ah! 24 00:02:00,333 --> 00:02:01,333 Oh! 25 00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:03,036 So sorry. 26 00:02:03,125 --> 00:02:05,075 I'm sure it's just a phase. 27 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:09,746 Mm, yeah. The guilty, overindulgent phase of a d-i-v-o-r-c-e. 28 00:02:10,458 --> 00:02:11,418 Ah. 29 00:02:13,542 --> 00:02:14,422 [elevator dings] 30 00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:15,880 Daddy. 31 00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:18,379 [clears throat] Simon, we're not being very nice to, um... 32 00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:21,076 Miranda. 33 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,712 Sounds kind of like a princess name, doesn't it? 34 00:02:24,417 --> 00:02:25,877 Stop talking. 35 00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:30,458 I'm going to bite you. 36 00:02:31,041 --> 00:02:32,291 Do you want to go to the toy store later? 37 00:02:32,375 --> 00:02:33,245 Yes. 38 00:02:33,333 --> 00:02:34,423 Well, then, don't bite me. 39 00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:39,879 See, I'm in violation of every parenting book ever written. 40 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:40,919 Hm. 41 00:02:42,041 --> 00:02:43,961 -Do you have kids? -Uh, no. 42 00:02:44,041 --> 00:02:45,041 Married? 43 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,035 -Well, here we are! -At last! 44 00:02:51,125 --> 00:02:54,125 Any chance I could persuade you to take another ride? 45 00:03:02,709 --> 00:03:04,249 [Carrie] His name was Roger Cobb, 46 00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:06,463 and it only took him another floor and a half 47 00:03:06,542 --> 00:03:09,042 to ask Miranda for her phone number. 48 00:03:09,125 --> 00:03:11,285 The whole thing might have been very romantic 49 00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:13,375 if Simon hadn't peed in his pants. 50 00:03:13,583 --> 00:03:15,173 I don't wear vintage clothes, 51 00:03:15,250 --> 00:03:17,750 I hate flea markets, I don't collect antiques, 52 00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:19,834 is it too much to ask that he not be... 53 00:03:19,917 --> 00:03:22,497 -I don't know. Used? -Okay, before it goes any further, 54 00:03:22,583 --> 00:03:25,423 just make sure his parts are still under warranty. 55 00:03:25,625 --> 00:03:27,375 It's like chewing somebody else's gum. 56 00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:29,578 Well, divorced men do come with baggage. 57 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:32,247 Yeah, baggage is one thing. But when they come with kids... 58 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,793 Especially kids with bladder control issues. 59 00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:36,666 -Here's what I think. -Mm-hm? 60 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,170 Round up all the divorced men and keep them in a pound. 61 00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:42,543 That way, you get their whole history before you take one home. 62 00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,165 Just because a man is divorced doesn't mean he has a problem. 63 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:46,420 Like my brother Wesley. 64 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,130 He's just separated from his wife, Leslie, 65 00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:49,288 -and he is-- -Eh! 66 00:03:49,709 --> 00:03:51,039 Wesley and Leslie? 67 00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:53,285 -I don't think so. -What is that? 68 00:03:53,375 --> 00:03:55,125 Marriage by Mother Goose? 69 00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:57,078 -Definitely a candidate for the pound. -Mm. 70 00:03:57,166 --> 00:03:59,876 Okay, I was going to ask you all to meet him because he's coming 71 00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:01,669 to visit me. And now, forget it. 72 00:04:01,750 --> 00:04:05,380 No, no, no, honey, we want to meet Wesley of Wesley and Leslie. 73 00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:07,828 And, P. S., does he work for Nestlé? 74 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,833 My brother's very important to me, 75 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,457 and I'm not going to have him subjected 76 00:04:12,542 --> 00:04:14,542 to scrutiny and ridicule. 77 00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:16,328 I'll be scrutiny. 78 00:04:16,583 --> 00:04:18,423 -You'll be ridicule. -I always have to be ridicule. 79 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,330 Why can't you be ridicule for once? 80 00:04:20,417 --> 00:04:21,497 I know. 81 00:04:22,792 --> 00:04:25,712 As for me, rather than sort through the half-off bin, 82 00:04:25,792 --> 00:04:28,792 I was dating someone brand spanking new. 83 00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:32,125 I met Vaughn Weisel at a PEN luncheon a month ago. 84 00:04:32,208 --> 00:04:33,918 It's amazing how much better looking 85 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,380 fiction writers have become. 86 00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:36,918 Still up for a movie? 87 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,080 Yeah, I just gotta drop these books by my parents' place. 88 00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:40,166 It's on the way. 89 00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:43,044 Hey, eh, GQ called. 90 00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:44,995 Really? They want you to write something? 91 00:04:45,083 --> 00:04:46,883 No, they want me to wear something. 92 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:48,667 It's so great to be a writer these days. 93 00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:50,330 There's just so little writing involved. 94 00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:53,129 Just don't be photographed in anything sleeveless. 95 00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:55,498 No one who went sleeveless ever won a Pulitzer. 96 00:04:56,041 --> 00:04:58,001 It's just a little tip from me to you. 97 00:05:00,291 --> 00:05:02,581 Hey, wow, nice townhouse! 98 00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,827 -Come on in, this will only take a sec. -Oh, no, no. Oh, God. 99 00:05:04,917 --> 00:05:06,327 No, I'm really-- I'm not dressed for family. 100 00:05:06,417 --> 00:05:08,167 Can you just maybe drop them through the mail slot? 101 00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:10,793 If I'm here and I don't at least say hello, you know... 102 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,325 I'm looking at two months minimum hard family time. 103 00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:15,747 Alright, alright. Yeah, okay. 104 00:05:16,709 --> 00:05:17,749 [Carrie] Oof. 105 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,169 Thank you. 106 00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:23,710 Mother, I swear, you're the only person who can kill a cactus. 107 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,331 -Hey, Vaughn. -Uh, Zoey, this is Carrie. 108 00:05:26,417 --> 00:05:29,167 Tell your sister to stop bringing me plants. 109 00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:30,790 They get suicidal around me. 110 00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:32,875 I have to talk them down from the ledge. 111 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,075 -Vaughn! -Those books you asked me to sign. 112 00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:36,706 -Oh, great, dear! -Yeah. 113 00:05:36,959 --> 00:05:40,329 -Duncan, Vaughn's here! -Yeah, and he brought a girl! 114 00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:41,537 Well, hi. 115 00:05:41,625 --> 00:05:43,875 -Wallis Weisel. -Hi. 116 00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,249 Say, have we met? 117 00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:48,383 No, no, I don't think so. Carrie Bradshaw. 118 00:05:48,458 --> 00:05:49,998 Oh, my God! 119 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,130 Duncan, get your ass in here! 120 00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:55,458 I just love, love, love your column. 121 00:05:55,542 --> 00:05:56,632 Oh, well... 122 00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:58,794 I love, love, love to hear that. 123 00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,705 Oh, Mom, we can't stay. 124 00:06:00,792 --> 00:06:03,462 The hell you can't! You know what you should write about? 125 00:06:03,542 --> 00:06:05,292 Re-virginization. 126 00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:08,133 Did you know that there are women who are actually having 127 00:06:08,208 --> 00:06:12,128 their vaginas restitched to make them like new again? 128 00:06:12,625 --> 00:06:14,915 -Well, aren't they clever? -In case you're wondering, 129 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,580 Mom just finished making a documentary 130 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:17,917 on genital mutilation. 131 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,040 Which I still haven't gotten your notes on. 132 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:21,375 Mom, I told you, 133 00:06:21,458 --> 00:06:23,038 I can't bring myself to look at that fucking thing. 134 00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:26,535 And I typed all his short stories for him when he was 12. 135 00:06:26,625 --> 00:06:29,075 Duncan, look. Do you know who this is? 136 00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:32,133 Carrie Bradshaw. She writes that column we love. 137 00:06:32,417 --> 00:06:34,327 What are you doing Thursday night? 138 00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,417 Um... laundry. 139 00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:40,130 I teach a seminar at Columbia on cultural zeitgeist. 140 00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:41,875 I'd love to have you come speak. 141 00:06:41,959 --> 00:06:45,169 Mr. Self-Involved here didn't tell us he was dating an icon. 142 00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:46,130 Icon? 143 00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,328 Oh, you are an icon. You are. 144 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:50,245 Hey, who brought a girl? 145 00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:52,333 Oh, this is my other sister. 146 00:06:52,417 --> 00:06:55,537 -Franny, uh, this is Carrie. -Hey, what's up? 147 00:06:55,625 --> 00:06:56,875 Hey, what's up? 148 00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,329 -Hey, Mom. -Hi, sweetie. 149 00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:00,210 Franny and Zoey? 150 00:07:00,583 --> 00:07:01,633 What can I say? 151 00:07:01,709 --> 00:07:03,749 J. D. Salinger used to get me high. 152 00:07:03,834 --> 00:07:05,754 And then she'd call me at 3:00 a.m., 153 00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,884 "I love you, I love you." 154 00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:09,625 Good for you, Vaughn. 155 00:07:09,709 --> 00:07:11,709 Beautiful and she thinks I'm funny. 156 00:07:11,792 --> 00:07:12,832 You're hilarious. 157 00:07:12,917 --> 00:07:14,287 Put your tongue back in your head, 158 00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:16,325 and the lox on the table, please. 159 00:07:16,542 --> 00:07:17,832 Come on, everybody, let's... 160 00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:19,327 -have something to eat. Come on! -[Franny] Yeah. 161 00:07:19,417 --> 00:07:20,827 Look, we-- We have to go. 162 00:07:20,917 --> 00:07:21,917 -Oh, you don't. -What? 163 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,830 -Why? -Oh, come on, please! 164 00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:26,077 Sweetie, we can-- We'll stay. 165 00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:27,666 Great! Oh, good, thank you! 166 00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:30,580 [Carrie] I mean, really, within the space of five minutes, 167 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,207 I had next week's column, 168 00:07:32,291 --> 00:07:35,331 an invitation to speak at an Ivy League university, 169 00:07:35,417 --> 00:07:38,667 and access to the entire Zabar's fish counter. 170 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,460 Leave now? Was he nuts? 171 00:07:40,542 --> 00:07:41,542 Have a napkin. 172 00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:48,125 [Roger] So, have you ever gone out with someone who had a kid? 173 00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:50,288 No, but I've never gone out with someone I met 174 00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:53,035 -on an elevator either, so... -Well, that's a first for me, too. 175 00:07:53,208 --> 00:07:56,288 There was a woman I met on an escalator once, but it didn't last long. 176 00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:58,625 It was over by the time we got to ladies' lingerie. 177 00:07:59,083 --> 00:08:02,083 I dated a man once who wore ladies' lingerie. 178 00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:04,326 That was kind of the problem there. 179 00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:05,915 I'm kidding. 180 00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,167 Cause I'm wearing panties now. 181 00:08:09,375 --> 00:08:11,125 You're kidding, right? 182 00:08:11,208 --> 00:08:12,538 -[Simon] Yah! -Ow! 183 00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,004 Daddy, look what I found! 184 00:08:14,083 --> 00:08:15,963 -Can you say you're sorry? -No! 185 00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,501 -No, no, no! -Are you okay? 186 00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:18,923 Ah... 187 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,460 Fortunately, I mostly use the right side of my brain. 188 00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:22,542 [snickers] 189 00:08:26,792 --> 00:08:29,962 It must be hard, having a social life as a single parent. 190 00:08:30,166 --> 00:08:33,126 Well, yeah, it is. I got to buy protective helmets for all my dates. 191 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,078 Yeah! Where's mine by the way? 192 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,576 Oh, truth is, I... 193 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,580 I never really had a great social life before Simon either. 194 00:08:39,792 --> 00:08:43,132 I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who... 195 00:08:43,458 --> 00:08:44,708 prefers to be married. 196 00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,003 I mean, I like stability, I like routine. 197 00:08:48,542 --> 00:08:50,922 I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home. 198 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,250 I guess that makes me sound pretty dull. 199 00:08:54,583 --> 00:08:55,673 Are you kidding? 200 00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:57,825 You're the heterosexual holy grail. 201 00:08:57,917 --> 00:08:59,787 [mumbles and laughs] 202 00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:01,665 [Carrie] Miranda began to wonder how a vintage man 203 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,000 might look on her modern couch. 204 00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:08,043 Here, here, here, here. 205 00:09:08,125 --> 00:09:09,375 -Oh! -Ah! 206 00:09:09,458 --> 00:09:10,458 Thank you! 207 00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:13,375 Probably not the best time to ask you to dinner, huh? 208 00:09:13,458 --> 00:09:15,998 [Carrie] While Miranda was dealing with queasiness, 209 00:09:16,083 --> 00:09:18,213 Charlotte was handling depression. 210 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,251 Which, of course, she felt could be solved with a homemade muffin. 211 00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:23,463 There you go! Just like Nana used to make. 212 00:09:23,917 --> 00:09:25,127 Charlie, the muffins are great. 213 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,458 But I'd much prefer a nice dry Martini. 214 00:09:27,917 --> 00:09:30,577 But Nana always made muffins to cheer you up. 215 00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,037 Well, that was pre-Leslie. 216 00:09:32,125 --> 00:09:35,035 Post-Leslie, I need a cocktail. Now, where's your vodka? 217 00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:36,285 I don't have any. 218 00:09:36,625 --> 00:09:38,245 And you call yourself a wasp. 219 00:09:38,709 --> 00:09:40,829 I don't see why you two can't work it out, 220 00:09:40,917 --> 00:09:42,877 you had the most beautiful wedding. 221 00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:44,749 And we're going to have an even lovelier divorce. 222 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,084 I can't believe you're willing to just throw it all away so easily. 223 00:09:48,166 --> 00:09:50,036 I mean, relationships take work. 224 00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:52,705 You need patience and understanding. 225 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,130 Charlotte, 226 00:09:54,208 --> 00:09:56,498 when was your last long-term relationship? 227 00:09:58,500 --> 00:09:59,880 Oh, just eat your muffin. 228 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:13,000 [Carrie] The afternoon had been like six hours of foreplay. 229 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,753 Ow! 230 00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:21,004 Some men seduce with dim lights and soft music, 231 00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:25,827 Vaughn seduced with chocolate chip cookies and relatives. 232 00:10:28,917 --> 00:10:30,827 It was inevitable this would happen. 233 00:10:31,625 --> 00:10:33,415 [moaning] 234 00:10:36,959 --> 00:10:39,499 I just didn't know it would happen so quickly. 235 00:10:41,542 --> 00:10:42,542 Uh... 236 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:44,583 Um, I'll get a tissue. 237 00:10:56,208 --> 00:10:58,628 [Samantha] Get out now, before he stains all your sheets. 238 00:10:58,709 --> 00:11:00,419 Oh, come on, that's harsh. 239 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:01,960 It could be he was just nervous. 240 00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:03,211 The first time is always weird. 241 00:11:03,291 --> 00:11:04,711 And he'd probably had something to drink. 242 00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:06,832 And we'd just spent the whole day with his family. 243 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:10,037 Look, the guy could not get his Cadillac into the garage. 244 00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:13,205 Honey, I'm sorry, I hate being right about this. 245 00:11:13,291 --> 00:11:16,251 [Carrie] Samantha was the General Patton of sex. 246 00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,253 She didn't like sending her troops into battle 247 00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:19,583 if she thought they would lose. 248 00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:21,537 -I like him. -Well, that's real swell, 249 00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:23,705 but it still doesn't get the cream in the cupcake. 250 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,247 But the thing I like best about him is his family. 251 00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:28,083 Mm, anyone there you can fuck? 252 00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:31,333 What? I'm trying to be helpful. 253 00:11:31,417 --> 00:11:33,707 I'm telling you, this family is like... 254 00:11:34,709 --> 00:11:35,919 They've got charisma! 255 00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:38,540 Like Tom Cruise, they're the Tom Cruise of families. 256 00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:41,325 I'm pretty sure the family is supposed to be the obstacle 257 00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:43,377 to a relationship, not the attraction. 258 00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:46,128 I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool. 259 00:11:46,417 --> 00:11:47,997 He was pretty much of a nerd, but, 260 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,793 I'd go over there and get all cocoa-buttered up. 261 00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:52,125 His mom loved me. 262 00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:54,208 She was always serving me Kool-aid and chips. 263 00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:55,711 -Kool-aid? -Mm, yeah! 264 00:11:55,792 --> 00:11:57,922 Kool-aid! I was 13 and, honey, 265 00:11:58,125 --> 00:12:00,995 you should've seen my tan. 266 00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:04,633 [Carrie] In my mind, the complications of making a relationship work 267 00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,999 had just expanded exponentially. 268 00:12:07,709 --> 00:12:09,039 When you date someone, 269 00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:12,325 how many people become emotionally involved? 270 00:12:12,417 --> 00:12:15,827 When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family? 271 00:12:17,291 --> 00:12:19,581 While I was still on the fence about my feelings for Vaughn, 272 00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:22,627 I had no doubt about my feeling for his mother. 273 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,079 I was in love with her. 274 00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:26,126 Then we were in Nicaragua... 275 00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:28,963 with the Peace Corps. That's where Vaughn was born. 276 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:32,788 I can't get over it! You've had, like, five lives. 277 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,750 I can barely make one happen. 278 00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:38,754 Oh, don't pull that self-effacing shit with me, Carrie. 279 00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:42,254 I see you. I know what you've got going. 280 00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:43,673 What? What do I do? 281 00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:46,460 -I write this little column. -It's a contribution. 282 00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:49,287 I mean, you are putting it out there. You... 283 00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:51,327 You're part of a dialogue. 284 00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:54,667 I mean, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't know half the things we do 285 00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:56,670 about other people's sex lives. 286 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:58,956 Well, thanks a lot. 287 00:12:59,041 --> 00:13:00,251 I'm teasing. 288 00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:01,503 Oh! 289 00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:05,630 No, no. It's wonderful to be frank and honest about sex. 290 00:13:05,709 --> 00:13:07,499 That's how I raised my kids. I mean, 291 00:13:07,875 --> 00:13:10,125 sex was always a part of the discussion. 292 00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:13,748 When they were two years old, they knew the proper names 293 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,084 for their body parts. 294 00:13:15,166 --> 00:13:18,206 None of this pee-pee and wee-wee crap, no, no. 295 00:13:18,542 --> 00:13:20,172 And as result, you know, 296 00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:22,040 they can talk to me about anything. 297 00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:25,078 When Franny told me she was a lesbian, I said, 298 00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:27,826 "Great, just as long as you're not a republican." 299 00:13:28,959 --> 00:13:30,379 May I just say, 300 00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:32,711 I like you very much. 301 00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:34,832 Oh, that's dear, thank you. 302 00:13:37,709 --> 00:13:39,289 So, did you talk to Leslie today? 303 00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:40,745 No, but I talked to her lawyer. 304 00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,254 Do you want to know all about that? 305 00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,833 I'm giving her the house and she's giving me an ulcer. 306 00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:48,075 Okay, okay, I'm sorry I brought it up. 307 00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:49,286 Tonight we'll have fun. 308 00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:50,785 You'll finally meet my friend Carrie, 309 00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:53,075 we'll go out, have dinner, maybe we'll go to a club-- 310 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:54,712 Shit. 311 00:13:57,583 --> 00:13:58,923 -Hi. -Hello. 312 00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:02,003 Carrie, Samantha, 313 00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:04,670 this is my wonderful brother, Wesley. 314 00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,790 -Hi. -Nice to meet you. 315 00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:09,245 Oh, good looks run in the family. 316 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,500 Can I get you ladies a drink? 317 00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:13,333 -Cosmopolitan. -Ditto. 318 00:14:13,875 --> 00:14:15,625 So, how are you enjoying New York? 319 00:14:15,709 --> 00:14:16,709 Excuse us. 320 00:14:19,166 --> 00:14:20,496 Why is she here? 321 00:14:20,583 --> 00:14:21,833 Oh, um... 322 00:14:21,917 --> 00:14:24,707 That's our friend. I believe you remember Samantha? 323 00:14:25,166 --> 00:14:26,286 But... 324 00:14:26,375 --> 00:14:27,995 I mean, you know how she gets. Like, look! 325 00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:29,213 She's doing it already. 326 00:14:29,291 --> 00:14:30,921 What? They're talking. 327 00:14:32,625 --> 00:14:33,495 Hey. 328 00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:34,833 -Thank you. -Samantha says 329 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,497 there's a great jazz bar that we should go to. 330 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,629 Oh, I, I... 331 00:14:38,792 --> 00:14:40,792 I just don't think I'm up for it tonight. 332 00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:42,415 Well, then maybe we'll just go. 333 00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,748 Talking and going to hear jazz. 334 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:48,960 [moans] 335 00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:53,075 I think I have your son's slinky embedded in my back. 336 00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:57,463 Well, I like to brand my women. 337 00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:03,630 I'm going to use the bathroom, and then I really will go. 338 00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:15,880 -Daddy? -No, Simon! 339 00:15:15,959 --> 00:15:18,249 Ow! Daddy! 340 00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,963 -[Roger] Simon? -Shit. 341 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:25,670 I'm sorry, I was peeing and I didn't want him to see me. 342 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:29,253 I was afraid he'd see me and the next thing you know, 343 00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,633 he'd be drawing pictures for a child psychologist 344 00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,289 and then nobody's happy, right? 345 00:15:33,375 --> 00:15:34,575 I'll get a Band-Aid, huh? 346 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,577 He's hurt. I think he might need a stitch. 347 00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,287 I'll go with you to the emergency room. 348 00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:39,495 No! 349 00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:41,630 Just go. 350 00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,333 Please. 351 00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:45,131 Just... 352 00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:47,132 go. 353 00:15:47,208 --> 00:15:49,038 [Carrie] One thing about families. 354 00:15:49,125 --> 00:15:51,125 If no one's sorry to see you go, 355 00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:54,208 then you're probably not coming back. 356 00:15:54,291 --> 00:15:57,291 The next morning, Charlotte was in for a rude awakening. 357 00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:59,825 Oh, honey, where do you keep your coffee filters? 358 00:16:00,375 --> 00:16:01,325 Uh... 359 00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:03,535 Just tell me if I'm warm. 360 00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,330 My brother? 361 00:16:06,792 --> 00:16:08,382 You slept with my brother? 362 00:16:08,458 --> 00:16:09,748 Oh, honey, 363 00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:12,497 what a doll. I mean, he really-- 364 00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:14,883 Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks? 365 00:16:14,959 --> 00:16:17,289 Because it should be, it's the hottest spot in town! 366 00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:18,535 It's always open! 367 00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:27,213 What's going on? 368 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,830 What did you say? 369 00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:35,957 She was in my kitchen, she was wearing your shirt, I... 370 00:16:36,041 --> 00:16:36,961 I snapped. 371 00:16:37,208 --> 00:16:39,378 Who asked you to butt your nose into my-- 372 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:40,628 Samantha, wait! 373 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:41,879 Samantha, don't go! 374 00:16:43,625 --> 00:16:44,745 Wesley! 375 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,420 I didn't know your mom was nominated for an Oscar. 376 00:16:48,792 --> 00:16:50,752 Mm-hm. Best documentary short. 377 00:16:52,417 --> 00:16:55,917 I just love that she still has so many ambitions for herself. 378 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,380 I'm not really in the mood to talk about my mom. 379 00:17:02,291 --> 00:17:04,581 I'm not really in the mood to talk at all. 380 00:17:16,083 --> 00:17:19,423 Uh! Don't touch it. Don't touch it! 381 00:17:40,542 --> 00:17:41,672 So, 382 00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:43,790 what was the documentary short about, anyway? 383 00:17:47,959 --> 00:17:49,459 Oh, good, you're back. 384 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,790 Charlotte, I swear to God, if you hand me a muffin, 385 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,625 -I'm out of here. -Honey, 386 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,671 you don't know Samantha. 387 00:17:56,750 --> 00:17:58,710 I do. She has so many notches on her bedpost, 388 00:17:58,792 --> 00:18:01,042 it's practically whittled down to a toothpick. 389 00:18:01,125 --> 00:18:02,375 It was fun. 390 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,331 I know, I know, you had your little fling and... 391 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,917 Now you can go back to Leslie and you can work it out, right? 392 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,420 We're not working it out. 393 00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:11,834 You think you know Wesley and Leslie? 394 00:18:11,917 --> 00:18:14,377 Let me tell you about Wesley and Leslie. 395 00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:16,040 Leslie's frigid. 396 00:18:16,125 --> 00:18:18,075 And before last night, Wesley hadn't gotten laid 397 00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:19,246 in two years. 398 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:20,383 Oh, my God. 399 00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:21,958 I think I was going out of my mind. 400 00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:23,831 I've seen a pastor, I've seen a shrink. 401 00:18:23,917 --> 00:18:27,287 But until I saw Samantha, I didn't realize what I really needed. 402 00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,037 Sex. 403 00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:30,245 So, it was a good thing. 404 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,173 It was a freaking great thing. 405 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,130 That Samantha... 406 00:18:34,959 --> 00:18:36,999 You've really got a good friend there. 407 00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,206 It's Charlotte. 408 00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:55,035 That was a terrible thing I said. 409 00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:56,375 Yes, it was. 410 00:18:56,792 --> 00:18:59,382 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another tour group 411 00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:01,378 coming through my vagina in ten minutes. 412 00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:02,878 And I'm so sorry. 413 00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,955 You said what you came to say? 414 00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:06,041 Wait! 415 00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:10,543 I wanted to give you this. 416 00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:17,382 [Carrie] Samantha was touched. 417 00:19:17,875 --> 00:19:19,415 -Come here. -Oh... 418 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:21,920 [Carrie] She realized this was Charlotte's way of saying, 419 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,170 "Thank you for fucking my brother." 420 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,710 -Get in there. -Ah! 421 00:19:29,083 --> 00:19:31,923 [woman over P.A. system] Hey, kids, Funtastics on three. 422 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,250 [Carrie] And Miranda decided she had ceded enough territory 423 00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:38,633 to the invading troops. 424 00:19:40,458 --> 00:19:43,038 Oh, do you mind? He really loves to push the button. 425 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,460 Yeah? 426 00:19:45,375 --> 00:19:46,375 So do I. 427 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,960 That is so sexy, 428 00:19:57,041 --> 00:19:58,251 you in bed, 429 00:19:58,583 --> 00:19:59,583 with my book. 430 00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:03,081 It's really great. 431 00:20:06,959 --> 00:20:07,999 [Vaughn] Aw! 432 00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,213 Do that again. 433 00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,963 What? Turn the page? 434 00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:15,921 Oh, baby. 435 00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:21,749 Again. 436 00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:24,127 [moans] 437 00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:29,575 Okay, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop. 438 00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:33,923 Let's just take this nice and slow. 439 00:20:34,959 --> 00:20:38,129 And you tell me if you're feeling too excited 440 00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,462 and we'll take a little break. 441 00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:42,288 Why? 442 00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:46,172 Because I think we both really want this to work. 443 00:20:47,291 --> 00:20:48,331 I mean... 444 00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:52,709 I love that you get so turned on by me, 445 00:20:53,166 --> 00:20:56,326 and I am very turned on by you and... 446 00:20:56,583 --> 00:21:00,043 maybe we've just been in too much of a rush. 447 00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:01,375 Okay. 448 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,170 Forget it. 449 00:21:03,250 --> 00:21:06,330 No, I don't want to forget it. Hey, come here. 450 00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,077 -Let's talk about it. -No! 451 00:21:09,417 --> 00:21:10,747 I don't want to talk about it. 452 00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,884 Well, I think we have to. 453 00:21:12,959 --> 00:21:14,379 Why does everything have to be about sex! 454 00:21:14,458 --> 00:21:16,748 I am so sick of talking about sex. 455 00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:18,834 I've been talking about it since I was two! 456 00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:21,667 So, let's go. 457 00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:24,294 My parents are expecting us. 458 00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:30,327 Duncan and I went down to the Neil Simon Theatre 459 00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:33,205 -and spent 65 dollars-- -Seventy-five. 460 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:36,707 To see a British movie star simulate a blow job. 461 00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,082 I wonder if that's what Neil had in mind. 462 00:21:40,083 --> 00:21:41,583 Did she show her tits? 463 00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:42,875 No. 464 00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:44,503 How's the pickled herring? 465 00:21:44,709 --> 00:21:46,129 It's very good. 466 00:21:46,208 --> 00:21:49,208 Franny tells me that you two are going camping this weekend. 467 00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:51,459 [Vaughn] Where's the scallion cream cheese? 468 00:21:51,542 --> 00:21:53,542 Oh, it's out there on the table. 469 00:21:55,083 --> 00:21:56,083 I don't see it. 470 00:21:56,792 --> 00:21:58,582 Well, then check the refrigerator. 471 00:22:00,792 --> 00:22:02,382 Why is he so edgy? 472 00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:04,380 I have no idea. 473 00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:06,668 Don't let him pull that moody shit on you. 474 00:22:06,750 --> 00:22:08,170 I know, it's such a pose. 475 00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:09,880 The minute he got published, he's suddenly this quote, 476 00:22:09,959 --> 00:22:11,249 "tortured artist." 477 00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:13,830 Where's the cream cheese? 478 00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:15,457 It's out there. 479 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:28,880 What's the point of buying all this shit 480 00:22:28,959 --> 00:22:30,289 if you can't remember the one fucking thing 481 00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:31,745 that holds it all together? 482 00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:32,879 Vaughn, 483 00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:35,421 let's deal with what's really upsetting you. 484 00:22:35,792 --> 00:22:37,082 Hm, shall we? 485 00:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,380 Okay. 486 00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:40,003 If you have to have everything out on the table, 487 00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:42,753 why don't we start with some scallion cream cheese? 488 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:46,960 [Carrie] Jenna and I looked at each other 489 00:22:47,041 --> 00:22:49,251 like two foreigners without visas. 490 00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:52,285 Well, I'm... 491 00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,206 You know what, I think I'd better go. 492 00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:56,421 I, um... 493 00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,294 I've got a deadline. 494 00:23:01,041 --> 00:23:03,461 So, yeah. I'll go. 495 00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:04,535 Uh... 496 00:23:04,959 --> 00:23:06,999 Thank you for lunch, for everything. 497 00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:13,999 Uh, Carrie! 498 00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:21,584 What happened? Everything was going so well. 499 00:23:21,917 --> 00:23:23,417 It really wasn't. 500 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:24,920 Okay, I know what it is. 501 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000 His last girlfriend wasn't as discreet. 502 00:23:27,291 --> 00:23:29,211 I don't even want to get in the irony. 503 00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:30,751 He writes short stories. 504 00:23:31,166 --> 00:23:32,126 Okay, this has... 505 00:23:32,458 --> 00:23:34,458 This has officially become too weird. 506 00:23:34,542 --> 00:23:37,632 Really? In a situation like this, you gotta laugh. 507 00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:39,504 Alright, it's a problem. 508 00:23:40,250 --> 00:23:41,250 But, 509 00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:42,713 you'll work it out. 510 00:23:43,583 --> 00:23:44,883 He... 511 00:23:44,959 --> 00:23:47,039 He won't even talk about it. 512 00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:50,500 -You want me to talk to him? -No, no, no. 513 00:23:51,333 --> 00:23:53,583 I can't discuss this with you. 514 00:23:53,667 --> 00:23:54,747 You can't? 515 00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:57,134 Carrie, you and I can discuss anything. 516 00:23:57,750 --> 00:24:00,630 So your sex life isn't so great. So what? 517 00:24:01,291 --> 00:24:04,881 Seventy-seven percent of all marriages are sexless. 518 00:24:05,166 --> 00:24:07,166 Other things are so much more important. 519 00:24:07,542 --> 00:24:09,382 Like family. 520 00:24:10,959 --> 00:24:13,329 [Carrie] Then I saw that the person I really had to break up with 521 00:24:13,417 --> 00:24:14,747 wasn't Vaughn. 522 00:24:14,834 --> 00:24:16,004 It was his mother. 523 00:24:16,208 --> 00:24:20,208 Wallis, I would still like us to be friends. 524 00:24:21,208 --> 00:24:23,128 No, I mean that. 525 00:24:23,834 --> 00:24:26,504 And what happens when you meet somebody else? 526 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,130 I can tell you right now, they won't have a mother like me. 527 00:24:29,208 --> 00:24:30,578 And you know that. 528 00:24:31,875 --> 00:24:34,705 You know that we have something. 529 00:24:35,291 --> 00:24:37,211 What we have is very special. 530 00:24:41,208 --> 00:24:42,248 Alright, well... 531 00:24:43,417 --> 00:24:44,667 Alright. 532 00:24:46,542 --> 00:24:48,212 Call me sometime. 533 00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:51,208 -I will. -Sweetie. 534 00:24:56,166 --> 00:24:57,576 [Carrie] Wallis was right. 535 00:24:57,667 --> 00:25:00,917 The most important thing in life is your family. 536 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,170 There are days you love them and others you don't, 537 00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:08,170 but in the end, they're the people you always come home to. 538 00:25:08,250 --> 00:25:10,460 Sometimes it's the family you're born into. 539 00:25:10,542 --> 00:25:14,542 And sometimes, it's the one you make for yourself. 540 00:25:18,125 --> 00:25:19,125 -Carrie! -Hey! 541 00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:20,878 -What are you doing here? 542 00:25:21,083 --> 00:25:22,253 -Hey! -Come here! 543 00:25:26,250 --> 00:25:29,380 [chattering] 544 00:25:31,917 --> 00:25:34,877 [inaudible chatter continues]