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Two years ago,
my friend, Susan Sharon,
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the east coast rep for a line
of Italian cashmere sportswear,
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00:00:55,004 --> 00:00:56,024
married a
very mean man.
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00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:59,012
What did I tell you about
listening to my CD's?
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00:01:00,005 --> 00:01:05,005
You put Natalie Imbruglia
back in U2!
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00:01:05,012 --> 00:01:07,022
Now, I only see her
once or twice a year,
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generally when her husband
is out of town.
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And now I cannot remember
if I've taken my Halcion
9
00:01:12,009 --> 00:01:13,009
before dinner
or not.
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00:01:13,016 --> 00:01:15,016
So I take another one,
I have a cocktail,
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I'm feeling no pain.
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The next thing I know
this freaked out stewardess
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is slapping me awake.
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"Signora, Signora!
Buona sera! Buona sera!"
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So I open my eyes,
I look around the plane,
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it's completely empty.
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Turns out we landed
in Milan 30 minutes ago.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, you know what,
come up to my apartment
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because I have
something for you.
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Oh, wow.
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-The place looks fantastic.
-Shh.
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-Richard's asleep.
-Oh!
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-Be right back.
-In the... okay.
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00:01:47,014 --> 00:01:50,004
Susan Sharon and her
husband had one of those
very adult
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apartments that made me feel
like I was about sixteen
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visiting the home of
a friend whose parents
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thought I was
a bad influence.
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♪ Happy birthday, Carrie ♪
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-♪ Happy birthday, Carrie ♪
-You didn't have to.
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-I know it's a little early.
-Look at you, jeez.
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Oh, Susan Sharon,
it's beautiful.
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It's 100% Italian cashmere
and light as a feather.
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God, I love it.
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-It's a cashmere-ical.
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You wouldn't believe what
Barneys gets for this.
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- Oh, don't tell me.
-Nine hundred dollars.
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Nine hundred dollars
for a scarf? No.
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Oh, no.
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Listen, do you mind if I
return it? I could really
use the cash.
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No, why not?
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Why do you think
they call it cash-mere?
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What the hell
is going on?
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00:02:38,015 --> 00:02:39,015
Oh, sorry, honey.
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But Carrie had this
idea about returning--
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What...
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Was our agreement about
visitors after 9 p.m.?
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I know, it's just that it's
her birthday.
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I'm on London time!
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I got to be up in three hours
when the markets open.
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So I'd really appreciate it
if you'd take the fucking
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noise somewhere else.
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Okay, sweetie, I'm gonna give
you a call, okay?
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Okay, you know what,
just ignore him,
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00:03:02,013 --> 00:03:04,013
-you don't have to leave.
-No, shh. It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay.
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00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,006
I'll talk to you later.
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Goodnight, grumpy.
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00:03:08,008 --> 00:03:09,998
Get the fuck
out of my house!
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Taunting the psychotic
spouse I realized...
-Shut up!
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...was not a wise move.
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00:03:14,006 --> 00:03:16,006
-I will not shut up!
-Just shut the fuck up!
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I wondered, could Susan
Sharon's marriage be that bad
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or was their fighting
just a form of foreplay?
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In which case, I was merely the
catalyst to get things going.
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Hello.
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I am so sorry.
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I'm so embarrassed.
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No, don't be.
He's just--
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He's just
tired and cranky.
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That was classic Richard.
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Tyrannical,
emotionally abusive.
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I don't know what
to do anymore.
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00:03:49,018 --> 00:03:52,018
Well, maybe there were special
circumstances tonight that--
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He works hard.
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He's sleep deprived.
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Blah, blah, blah.
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I don't give a shit!
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What would you do if you
were with a guy like that?
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00:04:02,022 --> 00:04:04,002
Would you leave?
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00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:05,014
Well, I, you know, if things
didn't change.
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00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:07,013
Well, they haven't.
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00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,010
And they won't.
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00:04:11,004 --> 00:04:12,004
So...
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00:04:12,006 --> 00:04:13,006
You think I
should leave him?
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00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:15,005
If you're not happy.
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00:04:15,011 --> 00:04:17,011
You know,
life's too short.
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00:04:19,004 --> 00:04:21,014
-I gotta go.
As I hung up,
I realized
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00:04:21,013 --> 00:04:24,003
I had
just been placed in a classic
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00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,012
no-win situation.
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00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,995
Telling a friend to
leave her husband
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00:04:27,006 --> 00:04:28,016
is something you
just don't do.
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If she does break up
with him, it's your fault.
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00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:32,013
If she doesn't
break up with him,
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she knows that you think
that she should.
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00:04:34,013 --> 00:04:35,023
And therefore can
never speak to you again.
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00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:37,011
Either way, you're screwed.
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00:04:37,016 --> 00:04:40,016
Which is a shame, because there
goes your cashmere connection.
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00:04:40,019 --> 00:04:42,009
She had me at
a weak moment.
I was tired.
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00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:44,022
I'd just been chased
out of her apartment.
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00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:46,021
I have a birthday looming.
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00:04:47,016 --> 00:04:51,006
-I said too much.
-No, I just think in an intimate
relationship
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00:04:51,015 --> 00:04:53,005
you should be able
to say anything.
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00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:54,021
I would highly
disagree.
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00:04:55,001 --> 00:04:56,011
Practically all
the relationships I know
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are based on
a foundation of lies
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00:04:58,003 --> 00:05:00,013
and mutually
accepted delusion.
107
00:05:01,006 --> 00:05:02,016
James and me,
for instance.
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00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:04,021
I pretend that he doesn't
have a small dick.
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00:05:04,023 --> 00:05:08,023
And he pretends not to notice we
haven't had sex for three weeks.
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You should be working
for the U.N.
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I happen to be in an intimate
relationship at the moment.
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And I can tell you that
the level of verbal discourse
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has become a little
too intimate.
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00:05:18,015 --> 00:05:20,005
Are we speaking of
spring roll guy?
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00:05:20,008 --> 00:05:21,998
-Mm-hmm.
-Spring roll guy, who's that?
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00:05:22,006 --> 00:05:25,006
Aaron Melman.
He's a dermatologist
I met at the Vietnamese
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00:05:25,009 --> 00:05:27,009
lunch truck
outside my building.
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So, what's the problem?
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The problem,
if you can call it that,
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is spring roll guy
liked to talk dirty in bed.
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Oh, baby, I just love
the way your pussy feels.
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So wet.
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00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,006
And warm.
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And tight.
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00:05:42,022 --> 00:05:47,002
Kissing your beautiful tits
feels unbelievably sexy.
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So hot and nasty.
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How's it feel to you?
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Umm.
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00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:54,000
What you said.
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00:05:54,004 --> 00:05:56,004
Oh, that can be
a turn on!
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00:05:56,002 --> 00:05:58,022
Sure. But now he wants
me to reciprocate.
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And I can't.
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I never could.
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00:06:01,002 --> 00:06:02,002
Why not?
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Because sex is not
a time to chat.
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00:06:05,003 --> 00:06:07,013
In fact, it's one
of the few instances
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in my overly articulated,
exceedingly verbal life,
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where it is
perfectly appropriate,
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00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:14,001
if not preferable
to shut up.
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And now suddenly I have to
worry about being stumped
for conversation?
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00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:20,011
-No, thank you.
-Just keep talking
about his big cock.
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Correction, his big
beautiful cock.
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We're using
the "c" word now?
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Sorry.
I can't use adjectives.
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A simple "you're so hard"
is often quite effective.
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00:06:30,011 --> 00:06:33,001
Sometimes men just need to
hear a little encouragement.
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Such as?
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You know, "Yeah, stud,
that's right.
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Uh-huh.
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00:06:37,015 --> 00:06:38,015
Don't stop,
just like that.
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00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:41,013
C'mon, fucker,
don't stop."
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00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,021
You're kidding, right?
153
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Wow!
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00:06:45,016 --> 00:06:47,006
No, they like it.
155
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:50,010
So are you--
Are you really telling us
156
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that during sex you're just,
you're completely mute?
157
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:55,020
No, I can do
a good orgasm alert.
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00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:58,010
You know, "I'm gonna cum,
I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum."
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00:06:58,011 --> 00:07:01,021
But that's because,
you know, I'm gonna cum.
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Anything else feels
like make believe.
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00:07:03,018 --> 00:07:06,008
Well, if you really
like this guy,
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00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:08,024
then you're gonna have to
start talking.
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00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:11,010
Was Miranda right?
164
00:07:11,011 --> 00:07:12,021
Have we put
such a premium
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00:07:12,021 --> 00:07:14,011
on being open and honest
with one another
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00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:17,020
that we've misplaced
the boundaries of propriety?
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00:07:17,023 --> 00:07:20,003
Are there still certain
things in a relationship
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00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:22,005
one should never say?
169
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,009
My best friend
just got engaged
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00:07:23,014 --> 00:07:25,004
to the biggest loser
I've ever met.
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00:07:25,005 --> 00:07:25,995
What am I supposed
to tell her?
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00:07:26,006 --> 00:07:28,006
"You're marrying
an imbecile?"
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00:07:28,010 --> 00:07:31,010
My wife, she's had
her breasts done twice.
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00:07:31,009 --> 00:07:34,019
They look fantastic,
they feel like shit.
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00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,011
I keep that
thought to myself.
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00:07:36,012 --> 00:07:40,002
I'm a single, 38-year-old woman
still hoping to get married.
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00:07:40,012 --> 00:07:42,002
I don't want to
know the truth.
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00:07:42,002 --> 00:07:45,002
I told Richard I couldn't spend
another day married to a man
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00:07:45,005 --> 00:07:47,015
who behaves like
an utter asshole.
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00:07:47,019 --> 00:07:49,019
There it was
standing across from me.
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00:07:49,023 --> 00:07:52,013
Biscotti-eating,
cashmered-swattled proof
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00:07:52,009 --> 00:07:53,999
that I had
said too much.
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00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:57,014
-Then what happened?
-Well, once I said that,
the flood gates just opened.
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00:07:57,015 --> 00:07:59,015
He said to me that there was
this moment during our wedding
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00:07:59,019 --> 00:08:02,009
when he looked at me
and he felt this huge
wave of disappointment
186
00:08:02,009 --> 00:08:03,019
because I looked so generic.
Hmm!
187
00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:06,011
And I said to him,
you know what?
On second thought,
188
00:08:06,008 --> 00:08:08,008
no, I don't think
the Rogaine is working.
189
00:08:08,013 --> 00:08:10,013
So then he said
to me that if I leave
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00:08:10,007 --> 00:08:11,997
all he'll feel
for me is pity.
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00:08:12,002 --> 00:08:13,022
Because he'll be
remarried within a year
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00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:16,010
and I'll be single for
the rest of my life.
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00:08:16,010 --> 00:08:18,000
I didn't want to
tell Susan Sharon
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00:08:18,002 --> 00:08:20,012
that his last statement
was probably true.
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00:08:20,016 --> 00:08:23,006
I just feel like
I owe you so much.
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00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:26,017
I mean, if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have had
the guts to do this.
197
00:08:26,019 --> 00:08:29,019
-Oh, I didn't really tell you--
-It's like I was under house
arrest for the past few years
198
00:08:29,021 --> 00:08:31,021
and now I'm
suddenly free.
199
00:08:32,002 --> 00:08:34,012
So what are
you gonna do?
200
00:08:34,019 --> 00:08:37,009
Do you mind if I stay
at your place tonight?
201
00:08:37,011 --> 00:08:39,001
Oh, of course not.
202
00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:42,004
That evening as Susan
Sharon squatted on my couch...
203
00:08:42,003 --> 00:08:43,013
Oh, God.
204
00:08:43,015 --> 00:08:46,005
...Charlotte came home to
the new male in her life.
205
00:08:46,007 --> 00:08:48,017
Fed up with lonely mornings,
cuddle-free nights
206
00:08:48,023 --> 00:08:51,023
and the lack of unconditional
love she so longed for,
207
00:08:51,018 --> 00:08:55,008
Charlotte decided to take
matters into her own hands.
208
00:08:55,009 --> 00:09:00,019
She combed the city for the
perfect specimen of breeding,
style and trendiness.
209
00:09:00,021 --> 00:09:02,021
Henry, I'm home.
210
00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:05,997
-Hi, my good boy.
211
00:09:06,005 --> 00:09:08,005
Hello, Henry.
212
00:09:08,013 --> 00:09:09,023
My good boy.
213
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:11,020
Until she found
the perfect man,
214
00:09:11,019 --> 00:09:14,999
Charlotte would have
the perfect dog.
215
00:09:15,002 --> 00:09:18,012
That night, Samantha,
who was never any good
at keeping a secret,
216
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,005
suddenly found the one thing
she couldn't say
217
00:09:20,012 --> 00:09:22,022
was the only thing
she could think about.
218
00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:24,012
Sweetheart,
is anything wrong?
219
00:09:25,002 --> 00:09:26,022
Because if there is,
I want you to tell me.
220
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,010
Oh, no, honey,
I'm tired.
221
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:30,999
Well, I just feel like
you've become so distant.
222
00:09:31,006 --> 00:09:32,006
Like you're upset
with me about something.
223
00:09:32,015 --> 00:09:35,005
I'm sorry,
it's not you, it's me.
224
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,000
I'm not upset
about anything.
225
00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,014
You're wonderful.
226
00:09:42,008 --> 00:09:45,018
Will you do me a favor
and come see a couple's
counselor with me?
227
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,998
Samantha dreaded
the shrink
228
00:09:47,006 --> 00:09:49,006
the way most people
feared the dentist.
229
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:52,011
Well, if it's really
important to you. I...
230
00:09:52,015 --> 00:09:53,015
Great.
231
00:09:54,002 --> 00:09:55,022
Goodnight.
232
00:09:55,022 --> 00:09:58,002
She suddenly longed for
the simple days
233
00:09:58,003 --> 00:10:02,013
of emotional unavailability
and hot one night stands.
234
00:10:05,002 --> 00:10:06,012
Meanwhile,
across town,
235
00:10:06,011 --> 00:10:08,021
Miranda was appearing
as Eliza Doolittle,
236
00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:10,017
in My "Filthy" Lady.
237
00:10:13,005 --> 00:10:16,005
I just love kissing this
sensitive spot right here.
238
00:10:17,014 --> 00:10:19,004
You like that?
239
00:10:19,012 --> 00:10:20,022
Uh-huh.
240
00:10:21,009 --> 00:10:22,019
Tell me what you like.
241
00:10:24,005 --> 00:10:25,005
That.
242
00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:30,023
You like my hand there?
Caressing your breast?
243
00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:34,999
-Sure.
-Gently pinching your nipple.
244
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,000
Fine.
245
00:10:37,015 --> 00:10:39,005
Oh, yeah.
Kissing my chest.
246
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,024
That's hot.
247
00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:42,008
That really
turns me on.
248
00:10:43,008 --> 00:10:44,008
How's it feel?
249
00:10:45,004 --> 00:10:47,014
-Hot?
-Hot.
250
00:10:48,017 --> 00:10:49,017
And?
251
00:10:51,009 --> 00:10:53,999
-Hairy?
-Oh, God, you're getting
me hard.
252
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:56,022
Tell me how it feels.
253
00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:58,020
Big.
254
00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:00,010
And?
255
00:11:01,019 --> 00:11:03,009
Hard?
256
00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:07,009
-Rock hard.
-Yeah, keep talking.
257
00:11:07,022 --> 00:11:10,002
A big rock.
258
00:11:10,004 --> 00:11:11,014
Yes.
259
00:11:11,008 --> 00:11:14,008
A hard rock.
260
00:11:14,013 --> 00:11:16,023
A big hard rock.
261
00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:17,020
Oh, yeah.
262
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:20,011
-A sausage.
-Oh, baby, you are so nasty.
263
00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:23,005
Surprisingly enough,
once Miranda opened her mouth,
264
00:11:23,012 --> 00:11:25,012
she found it difficult
to shut up.
265
00:11:25,011 --> 00:11:27,011
A big, throbbing,
266
00:11:27,009 --> 00:11:31,009
-rock-hard sausage.
267
00:11:31,011 --> 00:11:35,021
That night I took Susan
Sharon to meet the new male
in Charlotte's life.
268
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:40,009
True to form, he was already
falling far short of
her high expectations.
269
00:11:41,007 --> 00:11:42,017
Well, he did it
a minute ago.
270
00:11:42,023 --> 00:11:44,023
He was inconsistent...
271
00:11:45,014 --> 00:11:46,014
Get the ball, Henry.
272
00:11:46,015 --> 00:11:48,005
Selfishly stubborn,
273
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,997
and hopelessly
co-dependent.
274
00:11:50,006 --> 00:11:51,006
Isn't he smart?
275
00:11:51,009 --> 00:11:52,019
We shouldn't stay long.
276
00:11:52,021 --> 00:11:54,021
I want to be back at your
apartment in case Richard calls.
277
00:11:54,018 --> 00:11:56,008
What do you mean, I thought
you were leaving him?
278
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,017
I am, but if he calls
I want to be there to tell him
279
00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:59,000
that I don't want
to talk to him.
280
00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:00,013
Well, that's really
passive aggressive.
281
00:12:00,015 --> 00:12:01,995
You should only speak to him
if you have something
282
00:12:02,002 --> 00:12:03,012
specific to say.
283
00:12:04,012 --> 00:12:05,022
Do you believe I married such
a prick?
284
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000
Well, you didn't know he was
a prick.
285
00:12:08,005 --> 00:12:10,015
I just can't believe that
prick hasn't called.
286
00:12:10,017 --> 00:12:12,007
Although he does have
this sweet side, you know,
287
00:12:12,009 --> 00:12:14,009
you just don't
know him very well.
288
00:12:14,016 --> 00:12:16,006
Do you think I did
the right thing, Henry?
289
00:12:16,013 --> 00:12:17,023
-Or should I give
him another chance--
290
00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:21,019
He's a dog, not an oracle.
291
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,010
The next morning
292
00:12:28,011 --> 00:12:31,011
I woke up to an unsettling
birthday surprise.
293
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,016
Coming.
294
00:12:36,011 --> 00:12:38,021
-Oh.
-Sign here.
295
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:42,011
Thank you.
296
00:12:52,006 --> 00:12:53,006
Oh, my God.
297
00:12:53,018 --> 00:12:55,998
"Best wishes on
your birthday."
298
00:12:56,006 --> 00:12:57,006
It's from Big.
299
00:12:57,012 --> 00:12:58,012
What kind of flowers?
300
00:12:58,013 --> 00:13:00,013
Roses, red.
301
00:13:01,003 --> 00:13:02,003
Big.
302
00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:04,001
Expensive.
303
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,997
What do you
think it means?
304
00:13:06,005 --> 00:13:07,015
It means
rip up the card.
305
00:13:07,017 --> 00:13:08,997
And watch out
for the thorns.
306
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,013
No, no, no, this is
the grand gesture.
307
00:13:11,016 --> 00:13:12,996
The grand gesture?
308
00:13:13,006 --> 00:13:16,016
Yeah, you know, if you break up
with someone and they just
309
00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:18,009
disappear from
your life altogether,
310
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,017
well, then it
wasn't meant to be.
311
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:22,020
But if they make a powerful
declaration of their love,
312
00:13:22,023 --> 00:13:24,013
then you really
have to reconsider.
313
00:13:24,009 --> 00:13:26,009
You think a dozen roses
and a card that says,
314
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,024
"best wishes" qualifies
as the grand gesture?
315
00:13:28,019 --> 00:13:30,999
Well, you know men, they can
never say "I was wrong."
316
00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:32,996
They just send flowers.
317
00:13:33,002 --> 00:13:35,012
Yeah, well, sometimes
a rose is just a rose.
318
00:13:35,016 --> 00:13:37,016
Now, jewelry,
that's another story.
319
00:13:37,023 --> 00:13:38,023
Henry, no.
320
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,010
Henry, no,
not the purse.
321
00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:43,017
You know, I really don't need
this on my birthday.
322
00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:45,011
I mean, really,
what does this mean,
323
00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:47,018
the ball's in my court
or something?
324
00:13:48,005 --> 00:13:50,005
I don't want
to play games.
325
00:13:50,014 --> 00:13:51,024
This is not
the grand gesture.
326
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,020
This is
the vague gesture.
327
00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:55,020
Which is truly worse
than no gesture at all.
328
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,010
You know, under the guise
of being thoughtful
329
00:13:57,009 --> 00:13:58,019
he's actually
being very selfish.
330
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,010
I agree.
He's muddied the waters.
331
00:14:00,016 --> 00:14:02,006
Oh, you're all just cuckoo.
332
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,018
The man sends her
flowers on her birthday
333
00:14:03,018 --> 00:14:05,018
and you're
all condemning him.
Henry, no.
334
00:14:05,021 --> 00:14:06,021
No, damnit.
335
00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:08,021
For chrissake,
give that dog a break.
336
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:10,010
He's already eaten
four pairs of shoes.
337
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,006
I just don't want him
starting on the purses.
338
00:14:12,016 --> 00:14:14,016
Damnit, now.
Okay, we're gonna go home.
339
00:14:14,022 --> 00:14:16,022
You said you wanted to get out
and socialize,
340
00:14:16,018 --> 00:14:18,008
but you just have to learn
how to behave.
341
00:14:18,015 --> 00:14:19,015
Bye.
342
00:14:20,012 --> 00:14:23,002
-Listen, you're just going to
have to learn how to behave.
343
00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:24,023
I told you.
I told you.
344
00:14:24,018 --> 00:14:26,008
Speaking of cuckoo.
345
00:14:26,014 --> 00:14:28,014
Charlotte was at the
point in her relationship
346
00:14:28,014 --> 00:14:31,024
where she was starting to see
the real Henry.
347
00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:34,001
But she did raise
a valid question.
348
00:14:34,004 --> 00:14:39,024
Was "I was wrong" the one
thing Mr. Big couldn't say?
349
00:14:39,017 --> 00:14:42,007
I realized that just because
we were no longer together
350
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,017
didn't mean
I couldn't be polite.
351
00:14:46,021 --> 00:14:48,021
-Yeah.
-Hey, it's me.
352
00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:51,001
Carrie.
353
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:52,013
Hey, how are
you doing?
354
00:14:52,013 --> 00:14:54,003
Great, great.
355
00:14:54,002 --> 00:14:55,022
Listen, I just wanted to call
and thank you for the flowers.
356
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,021
That was very
thoughtful of you.
357
00:14:57,017 --> 00:14:58,017
Oh, yeah, yeah.
358
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,010
Well, you know, my secretary
had it on her calendar.
359
00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:02,010
So, I, you know.
360
00:15:02,014 --> 00:15:05,024
Oh, so your secretary
sent them.
361
00:15:05,018 --> 00:15:08,998
No, I sent the flowers,
my secretary alerted me
362
00:15:09,004 --> 00:15:10,014
to the day.
363
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,010
Oh, well, that was very
thoughtful of her
364
00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:13,020
and you for
sending them.
365
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,020
So, you're welcome, um,
What are you doing
on the big day?
366
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,010
Oh, well, uh...
367
00:15:18,016 --> 00:15:20,996
Stanford's arranged
this party down at Layla.
368
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,004
You know, it's
that Moroccan restaurant.
369
00:15:23,002 --> 00:15:24,022
You should come.
370
00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:26,011
The instant the words
popped out of my mouth,
I regretted them.
371
00:15:26,015 --> 00:15:30,015
Uh, well, I... I made
some plans already, but...
372
00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:33,021
Or not.
I mean just forget it.
373
00:15:33,018 --> 00:15:35,018
I could maybe
stop by later.
374
00:15:35,022 --> 00:15:37,022
Oh, fine.
I mean, whatever.
375
00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:40,022
Uh... I may bring someone.
376
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,022
Well, yeah, uh...
377
00:15:42,023 --> 00:15:44,013
Come and bring
that person.
378
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:46,009
And maybe I'll
see you later.
379
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:49,022
And thank you again for
the thoughtful flowers.
380
00:15:53,008 --> 00:15:54,018
I couldn't believe it.
381
00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:59,001
I had just invited my ex and
his date to my birthday party.
382
00:15:59,002 --> 00:16:02,012
As if getting older
wasn't traumatic enough.
383
00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:04,022
That afternoon in
the office of Velma Rudin,
384
00:16:05,001 --> 00:16:07,021
celebrated psychologist and
author of In-To-Me-See ,
385
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,000
A Couple's Guide
To Intimacy ,
386
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:12,022
Samantha did
her best not to say
387
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:15,010
the one thing she knew
she should not say.
388
00:16:15,011 --> 00:16:18,001
I can't help but notice that
our sex life has diminished.
389
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,013
That's normal, isn't it?
I mean, after a while...
390
00:16:20,016 --> 00:16:22,006
How long has it been?
391
00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:24,016
-Um...
-A month.
392
00:16:24,022 --> 00:16:27,002
Don't take it
all so seriously.
393
00:16:27,002 --> 00:16:29,012
Have fun with
your sexuality.
394
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:32,022
Have you tried
playing erotic games?
395
00:16:32,022 --> 00:16:36,002
Samantha had a burning
desire to confess that James
had been
396
00:16:36,006 --> 00:16:38,006
playing "Hide The Salami"
since the day they met.
397
00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:41,015
I'm just not feeling
very sexual these days.
398
00:16:43,006 --> 00:16:44,006
I saw you masturbating
the other day
399
00:16:44,009 --> 00:16:46,009
when I came out
of the shower.
400
00:16:47,016 --> 00:16:52,006
Many women are simply
unable to achieve orgasm
through intercourse.
401
00:16:52,013 --> 00:16:54,013
It's nothing
to be ashamed of.
402
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:56,012
I think you have a big
problem with intimacy.
403
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,015
-No, that's not it.
-Then what is it?
404
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,020
It's... it's nothing.
Nothing. Forget about it.
405
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,021
Sweetheart, there's nothing you
can say
406
00:17:02,017 --> 00:17:04,007
-that can hurt me as long as
it's what you're feeling.
-It's nothing!
407
00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:06,997
That seems to be all
the time we have for today.
408
00:17:07,004 --> 00:17:09,004
Nice work,
you two.
409
00:17:09,002 --> 00:17:10,022
Shall we say
next week, same time?
410
00:17:10,022 --> 00:17:12,012
Good for me.
411
00:17:13,003 --> 00:17:14,023
Samantha?
412
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:18,011
The idea of seeing
Velma "in-to-me-see" Rudin
on a weekly basis
413
00:17:18,014 --> 00:17:21,014
was much more than
Samantha could bear.
414
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:23,007
Your penis
is too small.
415
00:17:24,016 --> 00:17:25,016
Excuse me?
416
00:17:25,021 --> 00:17:29,001
It doesn't--
and it just--
417
00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:30,023
It can't.
And I can't.
418
00:17:30,019 --> 00:17:34,019
And it's... it's just
too damn small.
419
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:39,021
Did you ever stop to think that
maybe your vagina is too big?
420
00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:49,024
What can I say...
I need a big dick.
421
00:17:49,023 --> 00:17:51,023
I hear that.
422
00:17:51,019 --> 00:17:55,009
As Samantha paid the
price of mentioning the
unmentionable,
423
00:17:55,014 --> 00:17:57,024
Miranda discovered
that free speech
424
00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:59,010
comes with
a cost of its own.
425
00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:01,997
I just love putting
my hand around your cock.
426
00:18:02,006 --> 00:18:04,016
I just love hearing
you say "cock."
427
00:18:05,014 --> 00:18:08,004
Your big hard cock.
428
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,015
Cock, cock, cock, cock.
429
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,013
Why couldn't I ever
say that before?
430
00:18:14,014 --> 00:18:16,014
It's just a word.
431
00:18:16,009 --> 00:18:19,009
And why does it turn
us both on when I say it?
432
00:18:20,002 --> 00:18:21,012
What else do you like?
433
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,996
I like it when
you're rough.
434
00:18:23,006 --> 00:18:26,016
When you throw my legs over
your head, I lose all control.
435
00:18:26,018 --> 00:18:29,008
Mm-hmm.
And what do I like?
436
00:18:29,016 --> 00:18:32,016
You like it when
I'm biting your nipple.
437
00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:36,001
Mm-hmm. And what else?
438
00:18:36,004 --> 00:18:39,024
You like it when I'm
kissing your balls.
439
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,010
Oh, yeah, keep going.
440
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,010
And you really like it when
I slip my finger in your ass.
441
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,013
Excuse me?
442
00:18:51,007 --> 00:18:53,997
You just love
a finger in your ass.
443
00:18:58,018 --> 00:19:01,008
How was I supposed to know that
"you love a finger in your ass"
444
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,015
is the one thing you
can't say to a man in bed?
445
00:19:03,019 --> 00:19:05,009
Trust me,
that's not the only thing.
446
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:07,013
But it's true,
he enjoys it.
447
00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:10,007
-So do a lot of men.
-But no, they enjoy it,
they just don't want it
448
00:19:10,011 --> 00:19:11,021
brought to
their attention.
449
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:14,010
Personally, I don't like
anything in my ass.
450
00:19:16,006 --> 00:19:18,006
And I know that may
come as a surprise.
451
00:19:18,008 --> 00:19:20,008
I just feel
so betrayed, you know.
452
00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:22,012
He tried to get me
to start talking dirty,
453
00:19:22,011 --> 00:19:24,011
then I got into it
a little bit.
454
00:19:24,007 --> 00:19:25,017
And then he pulled the rug
out from under me.
455
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,010
Men are so frustratingly
inconsistent.
456
00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:29,000
That's why
I love my Henry.
457
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,013
He's just
a big love bug.
458
00:19:30,016 --> 00:19:32,006
You tell him anything and
he just licks your face.
459
00:19:32,016 --> 00:19:34,016
Charlotte, you may be
on to something.
460
00:19:35,021 --> 00:19:37,011
Waiter, another
double vodka rocks
461
00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:38,016
for the birthday girl,
please.
462
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:41,001
The truth was vodka
was my only ally.
463
00:19:41,006 --> 00:19:44,006
At any moment, Big was just
gonna walk right in here
with his gorgeous date,
464
00:19:44,013 --> 00:19:47,003
smile at me like some distant
stranger and say something
465
00:19:47,006 --> 00:19:48,016
absolutely crushing like--
466
00:19:48,023 --> 00:19:50,023
Happy birthday, baby.
467
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,023
Hi.
468
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:54,013
Hey, glad you
could make it.
469
00:19:54,016 --> 00:19:56,006
Can't stay long.
470
00:19:56,010 --> 00:19:58,000
Left my camel outside.
471
00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:01,020
Oh. Carrie, you remember
Jack, right?
472
00:20:01,023 --> 00:20:02,023
Jack?
473
00:20:02,022 --> 00:20:05,012
You mean, Jack is your date?
474
00:20:05,019 --> 00:20:07,009
Well, I wasn't aware that
we were formally dating.
475
00:20:07,014 --> 00:20:11,004
-But now that you--
-It is so good to see you again.
476
00:20:11,005 --> 00:20:12,015
How have you been?
477
00:20:12,018 --> 00:20:14,998
Marvelous, just split up with
a bitch who broke my heart.
478
00:20:15,009 --> 00:20:17,009
At least she didn't
get my money.
479
00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:19,019
Well, happy birthday
to me.
480
00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:31,020
An hour later,
my Arabian Nights
fantasy birthday
481
00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:34,013
suddenly felt like
Midnight Express.
482
00:20:36,012 --> 00:20:37,012
How are you?
483
00:20:37,009 --> 00:20:39,019
Great.
How are you?
484
00:20:40,001 --> 00:20:41,011
Good. Fine.
485
00:20:41,016 --> 00:20:42,996
Good.
486
00:20:43,002 --> 00:20:46,002
Excuse me.
What is your ex doing
at your birthday?
487
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:48,013
I told him to drop
by for a drink.
488
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,013
Jeez, I didn't think
he'd stay for a lap dance.
489
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:53,015
Oh, my God, have you
tried the baba ghanoush?
490
00:20:53,023 --> 00:20:55,013
It is to die for.
491
00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:57,000
I don't eat
baba ghanoush.
492
00:20:57,005 --> 00:20:59,005
Ah, you don't know
what you're missing.
493
00:20:59,016 --> 00:21:02,006
I can't believe the bastard
had the nerve to show up.
494
00:21:02,018 --> 00:21:04,018
I can't believe what that woman
can do with her bellybutton.
495
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,010
Please, I think I'm about
to lose my couscous.
496
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:10,015
While I watched my ex
get a Mesopotamian lap dance,
497
00:21:10,017 --> 00:21:13,007
Susan Sharon made
a play for Mr. Marvelous.
498
00:21:13,013 --> 00:21:15,013
I don't know if I can deal with
being single all over again.
499
00:21:15,016 --> 00:21:18,006
I mean, it's not like every
relationship doesn't have its
ups and downs, you know?
500
00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:20,012
It's just that my husband
and I, we work very hard.
501
00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:22,023
And we probably don't spend
enough down time together.
502
00:21:22,018 --> 00:21:25,008
You know, compounded by the fact
that neither of us gets
enough sleep.
503
00:21:25,013 --> 00:21:27,013
You know,
but then again, who does?
504
00:21:27,016 --> 00:21:29,006
It's just that I really
never imagined myself
505
00:21:29,015 --> 00:21:30,995
as a divorcée,
you know?
506
00:21:31,006 --> 00:21:33,016
But I do think it's more
important to till your own soil
507
00:21:33,018 --> 00:21:36,018
than it is to go in search
of greener pastures.
508
00:21:38,002 --> 00:21:41,022
Do you ever shut
the fuck up?
509
00:21:41,023 --> 00:21:45,013
In that moment,
Susan Sharon suddenly realized
how much
510
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,022
she desperately
missed her husband.
511
00:21:49,006 --> 00:21:50,996
Henry.
512
00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:54,013
That night Charlotte
came home to a very unpleasant
surprise.
513
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:58,002
Oh-oh.
514
00:21:59,005 --> 00:22:02,005
Henry!
515
00:22:02,011 --> 00:22:06,001
Bad!
516
00:22:06,002 --> 00:22:08,012
Charlotte realized,
like so many males before him,
517
00:22:08,013 --> 00:22:11,013
Henry had shit all over
her perfect world.
518
00:22:11,007 --> 00:22:13,007
He and Charlotte
soon parted ways.
519
00:22:13,008 --> 00:22:16,008
And the one thing she
could never say was...
520
00:22:16,012 --> 00:22:18,002
"I got rid of the puppy."
521
00:22:18,006 --> 00:22:19,016
Of course we all know
what happened to him.
522
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,010
He'd become the glue that put
Susan Sharon and her husband
523
00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:23,016
back together again.
524
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:25,020
Shut up.
525
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,010
-Shut the fuck up.
526
00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,023
Although neither of
them could ever admit
527
00:22:28,022 --> 00:22:31,002
that a dog
saved their marriage.
528
00:22:31,004 --> 00:22:33,014
And later that evening,
as my birthday passed
529
00:22:33,012 --> 00:22:36,002
into the early morning hours
of just another day,
530
00:22:36,002 --> 00:22:38,022
I found myself alone on
the street with Mr. Big.
531
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:40,010
So another year older.
532
00:22:40,007 --> 00:22:43,007
-And none the wiser.
-Hey, that's the way it goes.
533
00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,017
Can I give
you a ride home?
534
00:22:48,023 --> 00:22:50,013
No, I'm just
gonna grab a cab.
535
00:22:50,013 --> 00:22:51,023
You need cab fare?
536
00:22:51,019 --> 00:22:52,999
No, I'm okay.
537
00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:54,015
Good 'cause I think
I left all my 20's
538
00:22:54,022 --> 00:22:57,012
in that
belly dancer's crotch.
539
00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:03,014
Well...
540
00:23:04,019 --> 00:23:05,999
Well.
541
00:23:06,005 --> 00:23:11,015
Goodnight.
542
00:23:32,007 --> 00:23:34,007
As I watched him go,
543
00:23:34,012 --> 00:23:38,012
I realized the one thing I
couldn't say to Mr. Big was...
544
00:23:38,011 --> 00:23:40,021
I'm still not over you.