1
00:00:48,002 --> 00:00:50,012
In a city
of perfect people,
2
00:00:50,015 --> 00:00:53,005
no one was more perfect
than Brooke.
3
00:00:55,005 --> 00:00:58,995
She was an interior designer
who only dated A-list guys.
4
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:04,010
For Brooke,
every Saturday night
was like the senior prom.
5
00:01:08,006 --> 00:01:10,006
So when she got married,
6
00:01:10,013 --> 00:01:14,003
we were all dying to see
which one had made the cut.
7
00:01:14,004 --> 00:01:15,024
Hey!
8
00:01:15,019 --> 00:01:17,009
Was I the only one
who remembered
9
00:01:17,014 --> 00:01:19,004
that Brooke once
described this man
10
00:01:19,006 --> 00:01:21,016
as more boring
than exposed brick?
11
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,020
Molly, thank you so much.
12
00:01:28,018 --> 00:01:32,008
It was your average
$100,000 wedding.
13
00:01:34,022 --> 00:01:37,012
Investment bankers
and the women who hate them,
14
00:01:39,006 --> 00:01:42,006
classmates from Steiner,
Dalton, and Brown.
15
00:01:43,006 --> 00:01:44,016
And us.
16
00:01:44,017 --> 00:01:46,007
We looked like
The Witches of Eastwick .
17
00:01:59,017 --> 00:02:03,007
A wedding this size
always has two singles tables.
18
00:02:05,005 --> 00:02:06,015
We were at the other one.
19
00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:12,013
Hello.
20
00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:17,011
Hi. I'm Bernie Turtletaub,
friend of the groom.
21
00:02:20,005 --> 00:02:21,005
It was The Turtle.
22
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:23,005
A Manhattan legend
known for two things.
23
00:02:23,011 --> 00:02:25,021
Good investments and bad breath.
24
00:02:25,018 --> 00:02:27,008
God, my feet are killing me.
25
00:02:27,012 --> 00:02:28,022
Here, sit down.
I can't.
26
00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:31,002
This outfit only works
if I'm standing.
27
00:02:31,006 --> 00:02:34,006
Oh, I think it works either way.
28
00:02:34,022 --> 00:02:38,012
You know, I-- I think I'm
at that table over there.
29
00:02:41,017 --> 00:02:43,017
Your friend is gorgeous.
30
00:02:44,022 --> 00:02:47,012
What do I have to do
to get to know her better?
31
00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:58,016
Do you think the pears
in this tart are Bosc
or Bartlett?
32
00:02:58,023 --> 00:03:00,013
Who cares?
33
00:03:00,016 --> 00:03:03,016
Two hours later,
we were bored.
34
00:03:03,021 --> 00:03:05,021
Supplies were dwindling,
35
00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:08,000
and one of our passengers
had jumped ship.
36
00:03:08,004 --> 00:03:10,024
So are we going to stick around
and catch the bouquet?
37
00:03:11,018 --> 00:03:13,998
That is so not going to happen.
38
00:03:14,002 --> 00:03:17,012
Bosc! They've got to be Bosc.
39
00:03:22,008 --> 00:03:24,998
Oh, can you believe
I finally did it?
40
00:03:27,005 --> 00:03:29,005
Mm! You're next!
41
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,018
Bill's got some
great single friends.
42
00:03:35,018 --> 00:03:36,998
It's always better
to marry someone
43
00:03:37,006 --> 00:03:39,006
who loves you more
than you love them.
44
00:03:46,003 --> 00:03:47,023
People are always
telling me things
45
00:03:47,021 --> 00:03:49,011
I don't want to hear.
46
00:03:49,016 --> 00:03:51,016
But this one crossed the line.
47
00:03:53,012 --> 00:03:55,012
Hey. Did I wake you?
48
00:03:55,015 --> 00:03:56,015
Not at all.
49
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,018
Question.
50
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,000
Why do people get married
51
00:03:59,003 --> 00:04:00,013
if they're not in love?
52
00:04:01,004 --> 00:04:02,014
I don't know.
53
00:04:02,015 --> 00:04:04,995
Companionship. Guilt...
54
00:04:05,022 --> 00:04:07,002
Political asylum?
55
00:04:07,004 --> 00:04:08,014
Well, why did you get married?
56
00:04:09,008 --> 00:04:10,018
I was a fool in love.
57
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:12,007
Oh, that is so sweet.
58
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,012
Hmm. And then,
I was a fool in divorce court.
59
00:04:15,018 --> 00:04:17,008
Yeah, and now,
you're just a fool.
60
00:04:17,011 --> 00:04:21,011
Exactly, which is why
I'm never getting married again.
61
00:04:21,022 --> 00:04:24,012
Suddenly, I had to concentrate
on breathing.
62
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,996
Are you in bed with someone?
63
00:04:28,003 --> 00:04:29,023
No, are you?
64
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,999
Just three slices
of wedding cake.
65
00:04:32,006 --> 00:04:32,996
Are you jealous?
66
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,006
That depends.
67
00:04:34,018 --> 00:04:36,018
What are your plans
for the frosting?
68
00:04:36,017 --> 00:04:37,997
Goodnight.
69
00:04:38,006 --> 00:04:39,006
Goodnight.
70
00:04:41,001 --> 00:04:43,001
I hung up the phone,
wondering...
71
00:04:43,006 --> 00:04:45,016
could I date a man
who would never get married?
72
00:04:48,019 --> 00:04:52,019
Wow! A guy who
doesn't want to get married!
Film at 11:00!
73
00:04:52,021 --> 00:04:54,021
Don't tell me you're
surprised by this.
74
00:04:54,021 --> 00:04:56,011
You know who wants
to get married?
75
00:04:56,012 --> 00:04:58,012
Men who miss their mommies.
76
00:04:58,013 --> 00:05:00,013
Maybe this wasn't
my target audience.
77
00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,999
Am I the only one who thinks
this is a major bummer?
78
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,022
What if you spend
five years with him,
79
00:05:04,017 --> 00:05:06,007
and in the end,
you have nothing to show for it?
80
00:05:06,011 --> 00:05:08,001
I wasn't even thinking
about getting married
81
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,013
until he told me
I couldn't think about it.
82
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,009
Now, it's all I can think about.
83
00:05:10,014 --> 00:05:12,014
Oh, just be cool.
You don't care.
84
00:05:12,016 --> 00:05:14,016
Then, he'll wonder
why you don't,
85
00:05:14,018 --> 00:05:16,008
which will make him
realize that he does,
86
00:05:16,021 --> 00:05:18,011
and then it's a whole new
ball game.
87
00:05:18,014 --> 00:05:21,004
So in your world,
it's always sixth grade?
88
00:05:21,006 --> 00:05:23,006
I think that a relationship has
to be based on
89
00:05:23,014 --> 00:05:25,004
honesty and communication
90
00:05:25,002 --> 00:05:26,022
if it has any chance
of succeeding.
91
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:30,000
Okay, if you were 25,
that would be adorable,
92
00:05:30,006 --> 00:05:32,016
but you're 32 now,
so that's just stupid.
93
00:05:32,021 --> 00:05:34,001
Well, I can't just ignore it,
can I?
94
00:05:34,004 --> 00:05:35,004
Yes!
-No.
95
00:05:35,005 --> 00:05:36,015
What's the big deal?
96
00:05:36,019 --> 00:05:38,999
In 50 years, men are gonna
be obsolete anyway.
97
00:05:39,004 --> 00:05:41,014
I mean, already you
can't talk to them.
98
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,997
You don't need them
to have kids with.
99
00:05:43,004 --> 00:05:44,024
You don't even need
them to have sex with anymore,
100
00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:46,998
as I've just very
pleasantly discovered.
101
00:05:47,004 --> 00:05:50,014
Uh-oh, sounds like somebody
just got their first vibrator.
102
00:05:50,012 --> 00:05:52,002
Not first, ultimate.
103
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:53,020
And I think I'm in love.
104
00:05:53,023 --> 00:05:55,013
-Oh, please...
105
00:05:55,012 --> 00:05:56,022
Stop! This is so sad!
106
00:05:57,001 --> 00:05:58,021
Come on, I'm not gonna
replace a man
107
00:05:58,019 --> 00:06:00,019
-with some
battery-operated device.
Yes. you say that,
108
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,010
but you haven't met
"The Rabbit."
109
00:06:02,007 --> 00:06:03,017
Oh, come on.
If you're going
to get a vibrator,
110
00:06:03,022 --> 00:06:05,022
at least get one
called "The Horse."
111
00:06:05,023 --> 00:06:08,023
A vibrator does not call
you on your birthday.
112
00:06:08,023 --> 00:06:10,023
A vibrator doesn't
send you flowers the next day.
113
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,010
And you cannot take
a vibrator home
114
00:06:12,011 --> 00:06:13,011
to meet your mother.
115
00:06:14,004 --> 00:06:17,014
Well, I know where
my next orgasm is coming from.
116
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:19,009
Who here can say as much?
117
00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:26,019
That night,
Samantha went on a date
118
00:06:26,017 --> 00:06:27,997
with a flesh and blood man,
119
00:06:28,006 --> 00:06:30,006
while the three of us
went in search of
120
00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:31,017
furrier companionship.
121
00:06:31,018 --> 00:06:35,008
Ladies, I'd like you
to meet "The Rabbit."
122
00:06:36,022 --> 00:06:38,012
$92?
123
00:06:38,013 --> 00:06:40,023
Please! Think about the money
we spend on shoes.
124
00:06:40,022 --> 00:06:42,022
Well, I have no intention
of using that.
125
00:06:42,020 --> 00:06:44,010
I'm saving sex
for someone I love.
126
00:06:44,015 --> 00:06:46,995
Fantastic, is there
a man in the picture?
127
00:06:47,012 --> 00:06:49,012
Look!
128
00:06:49,016 --> 00:06:51,006
Oh, it's so cute.
129
00:06:51,016 --> 00:06:54,006
Oh, I thought it would be all
scary and weird, but it isn't.
130
00:06:54,011 --> 00:06:56,011
It's-- it's pink for girls.
131
00:06:56,017 --> 00:06:59,997
And look, the little bunny,
and his little face!
132
00:07:00,006 --> 00:07:01,006
Like Peter Rabbit.
133
00:07:01,014 --> 00:07:03,014
Yeah, and it's even got
a remote.
134
00:07:03,009 --> 00:07:04,999
I mean, how lazy
do you have to be?
135
00:07:06,005 --> 00:07:08,015
Later that night,
back at the briar patch...
136
00:07:10,008 --> 00:07:11,008
Oh, wow.
137
00:07:14,011 --> 00:07:16,021
-Hello.
138
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:20,018
You are not going to believe
the evening I have had.
139
00:07:25,007 --> 00:07:26,017
Are you listening to me?
140
00:07:27,004 --> 00:07:29,014
Yeah.
141
00:07:29,008 --> 00:07:31,008
Jerry, who Samantha met
at Brooke's wedding,
142
00:07:31,013 --> 00:07:35,013
took her to Lava,
New York's restaurant du jour.
143
00:07:41,014 --> 00:07:43,014
From the moment
I saw you at that wedding,
144
00:07:43,022 --> 00:07:45,022
I knew we'd be having
dinner together.
145
00:07:46,010 --> 00:07:48,010
Well, aren't you cocky?
146
00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:50,019
I'm the kind of guy,
I see something,
147
00:07:51,023 --> 00:07:53,003
I like it,
148
00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:55,000
I go after it.
149
00:07:55,015 --> 00:07:57,015
You sound like my kind of guy.
150
00:07:58,009 --> 00:08:01,009
Hold that thought.
I'll be right back.
151
00:08:01,009 --> 00:08:02,009
Okay.
152
00:08:09,013 --> 00:08:12,013
Ten minutes and a couple
of cocktails later...
153
00:08:14,022 --> 00:08:16,012
Where the hell is he?
154
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,000
Excuse me.
155
00:08:30,003 --> 00:08:32,003
He obviously had seen
something else he liked
156
00:08:32,004 --> 00:08:33,024
and gone after it.
157
00:08:43,003 --> 00:08:45,013
Then, just when
she thought her evening
158
00:08:45,009 --> 00:08:46,019
couldn't get any worse...
159
00:08:46,019 --> 00:08:49,009
Samantha?
Hey, Samantha!
160
00:08:49,015 --> 00:08:50,995
It's me.
161
00:08:51,017 --> 00:08:54,007
Bernie Turtletaub,
from the wedding.
162
00:08:55,017 --> 00:08:56,997
Oh, right.
163
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,023
Are you here
all by yourself?
164
00:08:59,010 --> 00:09:01,010
Uh, well, sort of. I'm...
165
00:09:01,011 --> 00:09:03,011
Well, sit down. Join me!
166
00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:09,013
God, you look great.
167
00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:11,024
What Samantha needed
now more than anything
168
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:14,011
was a compliment from anyone.
169
00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:21,017
I can't believe
the synchronicity.
170
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,010
I was just thinking about you!
171
00:09:23,016 --> 00:09:25,006
Uh-huh.
172
00:09:26,004 --> 00:09:29,014
So... do you like this shirt?
173
00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:32,000
My ex-girlfriend
picked it out for me.
174
00:09:32,021 --> 00:09:37,021
Honey, no offense,
but you're breath...
175
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:38,020
I know.
176
00:09:38,023 --> 00:09:41,013
It's these Chinese
herbs I'm taking.
177
00:09:42,009 --> 00:09:43,019
You know, for longer life.
178
00:09:44,005 --> 00:09:45,005
Well, with breath like that
179
00:09:45,012 --> 00:09:48,022
you're gonna live
a very long life, alone.
180
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,016
I killed the last woman
who talked to me like that.
181
00:09:55,006 --> 00:09:56,016
Samantha was impressed.
182
00:09:56,018 --> 00:09:58,018
The Turtle had attempted a joke.
183
00:09:58,017 --> 00:09:59,997
This is from Parma.
184
00:10:00,002 --> 00:10:02,002
You know, a lot of people can't
tell the difference
185
00:10:02,006 --> 00:10:04,006
between prosciutto and bresaola.
186
00:10:05,003 --> 00:10:07,013
Once we get
the breath under control,
187
00:10:07,008 --> 00:10:09,998
I'm going to take him shopping
for a whole new wardrobe.
188
00:10:10,013 --> 00:10:11,023
He's a cute little fixer-upper.
189
00:10:11,023 --> 00:10:14,013
Sweetheart, he's a man,
not a brownstone.
190
00:10:14,016 --> 00:10:16,006
Honey, when I'm
through with him,
191
00:10:16,022 --> 00:10:18,012
he'll be Gracie Mansion!
192
00:10:19,013 --> 00:10:21,023
Samantha
and The Turtle?
193
00:10:21,023 --> 00:10:24,023
But then again,
I'm dating a man
who will never get married,
194
00:10:24,021 --> 00:10:27,001
and Miranda is having
a meaningful relationship
195
00:10:27,006 --> 00:10:29,996
with something that comes
in a box from Japan.
196
00:10:31,007 --> 00:10:33,007
In a city of great expectations,
197
00:10:33,013 --> 00:10:36,023
is it time to settle
for what you can get?
198
00:10:36,018 --> 00:10:38,008
I needed some answers.
199
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:40,013
Later that week, I met Brooke.
200
00:10:40,012 --> 00:10:43,012
Just back from her honeymoon,
she was all business.
201
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,019
The business of marriage.
202
00:10:44,023 --> 00:10:47,003
Yes, I'd like to return these.
203
00:10:47,007 --> 00:10:48,017
Is there any way
you can melt them down
204
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:50,012
into one decent gift?
205
00:10:51,010 --> 00:10:52,010
His friends.
206
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,020
So... how is it being married?
207
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,000
Oh, it's fabulous.
208
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:59,013
I feel like an enormous
weight has been lifted.
209
00:11:00,004 --> 00:11:01,004
And that's a good thing.
210
00:11:01,006 --> 00:11:02,016
What's that supposed to mean?
211
00:11:02,023 --> 00:11:04,013
Oh, just, um...
212
00:11:04,012 --> 00:11:05,022
I mean, just means you're,
you're--
213
00:11:05,023 --> 00:11:08,003
I meant you're happy
with Allen, right?
214
00:11:08,003 --> 00:11:09,023
Yes, I'm happy!
215
00:11:10,011 --> 00:11:12,011
Well, then, I'm happy for you.
216
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,010
Hey, listen, um...
217
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,019
I hope I didn't give
you the wrong idea.
218
00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:19,021
I-- I think Allen's great.
219
00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:22,020
I just, I mean,
he's incredibly successful--
220
00:11:22,021 --> 00:11:25,011
Look, we all think
we're Carolyn Bessette.
221
00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,020
One day John-John's
out of the picture
222
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,010
and we're happy
just to have some guy
223
00:11:28,012 --> 00:11:29,022
who can throw around a Frisbee.
224
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:32,001
Oh! Well, look who's here.
Hey, you two!
225
00:11:32,005 --> 00:11:33,005
Hey!
226
00:11:33,007 --> 00:11:34,007
-Oh, my God!
-What a small world!
227
00:11:34,011 --> 00:11:36,001
I couldn't believe it.
228
00:11:36,003 --> 00:11:38,023
It was The Turtle,
wearing Helmut Lang.
229
00:11:38,018 --> 00:11:40,018
Wow, he looks great.
230
00:11:40,023 --> 00:11:41,023
Doesn't he?
231
00:11:41,022 --> 00:11:43,012
Oh. Oh.
232
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,007
Oh, he twirls.
233
00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:45,997
What do you think?
234
00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:47,005
Fabulous.
235
00:11:47,008 --> 00:11:49,018
He's like a whole new person.
236
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:53,001
-Don't I have a three o'clock?
-Oh, that's right.
237
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,023
I'm taking him to Bliss
for a facial.
238
00:11:55,001 --> 00:11:56,011
-Oh, enjoy.
-See you later.
239
00:11:56,009 --> 00:11:57,019
-Bye.
-Bye.
240
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,017
Oh, you know, I have to run too.
241
00:11:58,020 --> 00:11:59,020
-Oh.
-I'll call you.
242
00:12:00,001 --> 00:12:01,001
Okay.
243
00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:05,013
Smart girl.
She seems happy.
244
00:12:05,012 --> 00:12:07,012
Samantha left
with The Turtle.
245
00:12:07,016 --> 00:12:09,006
Brooke left with a better gift.
246
00:12:09,012 --> 00:12:10,022
And I left wondering
247
00:12:10,018 --> 00:12:13,018
if everyone in Manhattan
was settling.
248
00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:15,010
My Zen teacher once told me
249
00:12:15,012 --> 00:12:18,022
that there was nothing like yoga
to quiet a busy mind.
250
00:12:18,023 --> 00:12:21,013
Just as I had reached
the moment of no thought...
251
00:12:21,012 --> 00:12:23,002
I think I broke my vagina.
252
00:12:23,004 --> 00:12:24,014
Oh, Char, am I pulling too hard?
253
00:12:24,012 --> 00:12:27,002
No, metaphorically I mean,
with the Rabbit.
254
00:12:27,002 --> 00:12:29,012
Oh, so you've been using it?
255
00:12:29,008 --> 00:12:30,018
Yes, and I'm scared
if I keep using it,
256
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:33,010
I'll never be able
to enjoy sex with a man again.
257
00:12:33,008 --> 00:12:34,008
Why?
258
00:12:34,010 --> 00:12:36,010
Well, have you ever
been with a man,
259
00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:40,007
you know, and he's, like,
he's doing everything,
and it feels good.
260
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,019
But somehow you,
you just can't manage to, um...
261
00:12:43,018 --> 00:12:45,018
-Cum?
-Shh. Yeah.
262
00:12:46,003 --> 00:12:47,013
Well, it's weird,
'cause with the Rabbit,
263
00:12:47,015 --> 00:12:49,995
it's like every time, boom!
264
00:12:50,008 --> 00:12:53,018
And one time, I came for like,
five minutes.
265
00:12:53,018 --> 00:12:55,008
Well, Charlotte, honey,
it's not illegal.
266
00:12:55,013 --> 00:12:57,003
Yeah, but no man ever did that.
267
00:12:57,005 --> 00:12:59,005
I mean I'm scared.
What am I gonna do?
268
00:12:59,016 --> 00:13:01,996
Well, you know, you could still
enjoy sex with the man
269
00:13:02,006 --> 00:13:02,996
and the Rabbit.
270
00:13:03,005 --> 00:13:05,015
No, no, no, I am done with it.
271
00:13:05,017 --> 00:13:08,007
That's it.
I am never gonna
touch that thing again.
272
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,020
Oh...
273
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:15,010
Oh, um, uh, I've got to cancel
on the ballet tonight.
274
00:13:15,008 --> 00:13:16,008
Oh. Why?
275
00:13:17,001 --> 00:13:22,011
Oh, I'm, uh, expecting a, uh,
a phone call...
276
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,009
a long-distance phone call.
Transatlantic.
277
00:13:24,009 --> 00:13:26,019
Charlotte could never
tell a decent lie.
278
00:13:26,019 --> 00:13:28,999
I knew an addict when I saw one.
279
00:13:29,003 --> 00:13:31,013
Oh, God I love Sleeping Beauty !
280
00:13:31,007 --> 00:13:33,997
The music, the sets,
the costumes!
281
00:13:34,004 --> 00:13:35,014
It's so romantic!
282
00:13:35,012 --> 00:13:37,012
You only like it because
she gets to sleep
283
00:13:37,007 --> 00:13:38,997
for 100 years
and she doesn't age.
284
00:13:39,005 --> 00:13:41,005
I invited Stanford
to the ballet.
285
00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:42,017
I knew he was available.
286
00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:46,010
Hey, Stanford, cute, huh?
287
00:13:46,019 --> 00:13:49,009
I've had it
with the whole gay scene.
288
00:13:49,022 --> 00:13:51,002
It's so competitive.
289
00:13:51,006 --> 00:13:53,006
You won't believe
what happened to me last week.
290
00:13:53,013 --> 00:13:57,013
Evidently, Stanford,
tired of bars and blind dates,
291
00:13:57,007 --> 00:13:58,997
decided to place a personal ad.
292
00:14:00,017 --> 00:14:03,017
He scheduled a rendezvous
with the only respondent
293
00:14:03,017 --> 00:14:05,017
on a cold, Sunday afternoon.
294
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:10,003
Twenty minutes
and three false alarms later,
295
00:14:10,006 --> 00:14:12,016
Stanford was ready
to call it quits.
296
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,020
Stanford?
297
00:14:15,018 --> 00:14:16,998
Yes.
298
00:14:18,003 --> 00:14:20,023
Sorry, this is not gonna happen.
299
00:14:25,004 --> 00:14:27,004
It's so brutal
out there.
300
00:14:27,006 --> 00:14:29,016
Even guys like me
don't want guys like me.
301
00:14:29,023 --> 00:14:31,023
I just don't have that gay look.
302
00:14:32,003 --> 00:14:34,023
I don't know,
you look pretty gay to me.
303
00:14:35,015 --> 00:14:37,015
Come on,
maybe it's just a phase.
304
00:14:37,021 --> 00:14:39,011
Puberty is a phase.
305
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,021
Fifteen years of rejection
is a lifestyle.
306
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,006
I mean, sometimes I think
I should just marry a woman
307
00:14:45,016 --> 00:14:47,006
and get all the money.
308
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,022
What, is there a cash prize?
309
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,021
Oh, yeah. My grandmother
gives everyone in the family
310
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,010
their inheritance
when they get married.
311
00:14:54,015 --> 00:14:55,015
She doesn't know you're gay?
312
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,011
She doesn't believe in gay.
313
00:14:57,013 --> 00:14:58,013
Oh, really? That's funny.
314
00:14:58,012 --> 00:14:59,022
Big doesn't believe in marriage.
315
00:15:00,004 --> 00:15:01,014
Maybe you should propose to me,
316
00:15:01,009 --> 00:15:03,009
and we'll all live
happily ever after.
317
00:15:03,023 --> 00:15:05,013
You really do want it all.
318
00:15:05,011 --> 00:15:07,021
I don't know.
Maybe nobody gets it all.
319
00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:10,023
Though, you do have a point.
320
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,010
We're best friends.
321
00:15:12,013 --> 00:15:14,023
We make each other laugh.
322
00:15:14,017 --> 00:15:15,017
We both sleep with men!
323
00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:19,010
You know, this is not
a bad idea at all.
324
00:15:19,014 --> 00:15:20,024
Well, actually, I was kidding.
325
00:15:21,001 --> 00:15:22,021
I'm not! Think about it.
326
00:15:22,018 --> 00:15:25,008
Who else will keep you
in expensive shoes
327
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:27,010
and encourage you to cheat?
328
00:15:27,014 --> 00:15:29,014
Now you're talking!
329
00:15:29,014 --> 00:15:31,004
Friday night at the ballet
330
00:15:31,002 --> 00:15:34,022
with a man who shared my passion
for hot men in tights.
331
00:15:34,021 --> 00:15:36,011
Saturday afternoon
in bed with a man
332
00:15:36,012 --> 00:15:39,012
who shared my passion
for passion.
333
00:15:39,009 --> 00:15:41,019
Maybe there was such a thing
as having it all.
334
00:15:43,016 --> 00:15:45,016
What's that smile about?
335
00:15:46,010 --> 00:15:50,020
Oh, I got a marriage
proposal last night.
336
00:15:52,008 --> 00:15:53,008
Really?
337
00:15:53,013 --> 00:15:56,003
-Mm.
-From whom?
338
00:15:56,018 --> 00:15:58,018
A very handsome,
witty, young man
339
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:01,011
about to come into
his inheritance.
340
00:16:01,021 --> 00:16:03,021
Oh, I see.
341
00:16:04,019 --> 00:16:05,019
Anyone I know?
342
00:16:05,019 --> 00:16:07,009
Actually his name is Stanford,
343
00:16:07,019 --> 00:16:09,009
Stanford Blatch.
344
00:16:11,006 --> 00:16:12,996
I thought he was gay.
345
00:16:13,008 --> 00:16:14,008
He is.
346
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:22,000
That should make for
an interesting column.
347
00:16:23,009 --> 00:16:25,009
What are you going
to do about sex?
348
00:16:25,019 --> 00:16:26,999
I have you.
349
00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:32,002
Oh.
350
00:16:33,019 --> 00:16:36,019
I guess you've got it
all figured out,
351
00:16:38,007 --> 00:16:39,017
Mrs. Blatch.
352
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:41,011
The more he mocked me,
353
00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:43,000
the more convinced I became
354
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,012
that this idea was genius.
355
00:16:48,022 --> 00:16:50,022
That night,
Miranda and I had plans
356
00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:52,021
to join Charlotte
for a gallery opening
357
00:16:52,021 --> 00:16:53,021
in Chelsea when--
358
00:16:58,020 --> 00:17:01,000
-Hello.
Carrie,
it's Charlotte.
359
00:17:01,011 --> 00:17:04,011
Oh, I'm really sorry,
but I'm gonna have to cancel.
360
00:17:04,017 --> 00:17:06,017
Yeah, I'm totally wiped out.
361
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,010
Uh-huh.
362
00:17:08,007 --> 00:17:09,007
Wiped out.
363
00:17:09,011 --> 00:17:11,011
That was "Charlotte speak" for
364
00:17:11,007 --> 00:17:13,007
"I'm spending the night
with my vibrator."
365
00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:16,003
But you guys have fun, though.
366
00:17:16,005 --> 00:17:17,995
There was only
one thing to do.
367
00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:19,015
A Rabbit intervention.
368
00:17:20,018 --> 00:17:22,008
Come on, let's go.
369
00:17:23,002 --> 00:17:24,012
Okay, where is it?
370
00:17:24,008 --> 00:17:25,008
What are you talking about?
371
00:17:25,016 --> 00:17:27,016
The Rabbit, Charlotte,
give us the Rabbit.
372
00:17:27,023 --> 00:17:30,013
Hey, hey, hey,
it's a vibrator!
373
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:32,012
It's not like it's crack.
374
00:17:33,017 --> 00:17:35,007
No!
375
00:17:35,009 --> 00:17:36,019
Oh, Charlotte,
you hid the Rabbit
376
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:39,010
behind a stuffed rabbit?
377
00:17:39,013 --> 00:17:40,023
That is so you.
378
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:42,010
You guys have a lot
of nerve coming in here.
379
00:17:42,013 --> 00:17:43,023
You're the one who
made me get it.
380
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,011
I thought you could handle it.
381
00:17:45,007 --> 00:17:46,007
It's no big deal.
382
00:17:46,012 --> 00:17:47,022
I'd just rather stay home
with the Rabbit
383
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,010
than go out and deal with men.
384
00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:54,998
All right. You're right.
385
00:17:55,023 --> 00:17:57,013
I'll go get dressed.
386
00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:59,008
With a little help
from her friends,
387
00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:00,007
Charlotte decided that
388
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:03,023
she wasn't going
to settle for herself.
389
00:18:03,019 --> 00:18:05,999
While Samantha was doing
everything in her power
390
00:18:06,006 --> 00:18:07,006
to remake The Turtle
391
00:18:07,014 --> 00:18:09,024
into a man she could
fall in love with.
392
00:18:10,017 --> 00:18:11,017
How's your dinner?
393
00:18:11,017 --> 00:18:12,017
It's questionable.
394
00:18:13,006 --> 00:18:15,006
I can't figure out whether
the mushrooms in this sauce
395
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,010
are shiitake or chanterelle.
396
00:18:18,002 --> 00:18:19,022
They're definitely not porcini.
397
00:18:21,021 --> 00:18:24,011
Maybe they're wood ear.
398
00:18:26,001 --> 00:18:28,001
Maybe it doesn't matter.
399
00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:31,023
My God, they're trompettes!
400
00:18:31,021 --> 00:18:34,011
It was then
that Samantha realized
401
00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:36,010
that even with all her effort,
402
00:18:36,013 --> 00:18:39,013
he was still just
The Turtle in black.
403
00:18:39,017 --> 00:18:42,007
You know...
I'm not feeling very well.
404
00:18:42,011 --> 00:18:45,011
I think I'm going to have
to send myself home.
405
00:18:48,011 --> 00:18:49,011
I'll call you.
406
00:18:56,023 --> 00:18:58,003
Excuse me.
407
00:18:58,016 --> 00:18:59,016
Do you like this shirt?
408
00:19:00,007 --> 00:19:03,017
My ex-girlfriend picked it out.
409
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,000
After 12 phone calls
and three e-mails,
410
00:19:07,004 --> 00:19:10,014
Stanford badgered me
into at least meeting
his grandmother.
411
00:19:10,014 --> 00:19:12,024
I love that suit you're wearing.
412
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:15,018
Designed by Coco Chanel herself.
413
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,001
Seriously?
414
00:19:17,004 --> 00:19:18,014
Oh, Grandmother's been
wearing that same suit
415
00:19:18,016 --> 00:19:19,016
for 40 years.
416
00:19:19,018 --> 00:19:21,008
And it still fits.
417
00:19:21,012 --> 00:19:23,012
-It never goes out of style.
-Never.
418
00:19:23,014 --> 00:19:27,014
I have it in blue, black, pink.
419
00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:28,017
And eggshell!
420
00:19:28,017 --> 00:19:29,997
Exactly.
421
00:19:30,016 --> 00:19:33,006
Stanford tells me
you're a writer.
422
00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:35,006
Yes, I have a column
in The Star .
423
00:19:35,014 --> 00:19:38,024
I was a career woman
many, many years ago.
424
00:19:38,022 --> 00:19:41,022
But I gave it up
to have children.
425
00:19:43,017 --> 00:19:45,007
Oh, wow!
426
00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:46,022
Is this you?
427
00:19:47,006 --> 00:19:49,006
Not a bad looking girl.
Don't you think?
428
00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:50,024
No.
429
00:19:50,018 --> 00:19:52,008
Doesn't she look exactly
like Deborah Kerr
430
00:19:52,015 --> 00:19:54,005
in An Affair to Remember ?
431
00:19:55,001 --> 00:19:56,011
She does.
432
00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:59,010
Oh, my God!
433
00:19:59,007 --> 00:20:00,997
This has to be Stanford.
434
00:20:01,003 --> 00:20:03,003
-You're the same person!
-Okay, that's enough.
435
00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:04,023
Oh, come on, this is fun.
436
00:20:04,017 --> 00:20:07,007
I had no idea
you had such a big family.
437
00:20:07,012 --> 00:20:08,012
And how about you, honey?
438
00:20:08,016 --> 00:20:10,016
Do you want a family?
439
00:20:10,022 --> 00:20:13,012
As I looked around
at all the memorabilia
440
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,002
and family photographs,
441
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,005
the faces of brides and grooms,
442
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:19,006
children and grandchildren,
443
00:20:19,008 --> 00:20:20,998
I realized...
444
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,002
-Yes, I do.
445
00:20:23,006 --> 00:20:25,016
Uh, Stanny, be a dear.
446
00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:27,997
Go in the kitchen
and get me some matches.
447
00:20:28,004 --> 00:20:29,014
Of course.
448
00:20:34,011 --> 00:20:36,001
I love my Stanford.
449
00:20:36,004 --> 00:20:37,024
He's a very sweet boy.
450
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:41,010
But you know, he is a fruit.
451
00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:44,009
I realized then
that the only inheritance
Stanford was going to get
452
00:20:44,008 --> 00:20:47,018
from his grandmother
was her collection
of Chanel suits.
453
00:20:51,004 --> 00:20:53,024
Salt... yeah.
454
00:20:53,017 --> 00:20:58,007
That night at dinner,
I knew I would have
to break the news to Mr. Big.
455
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,010
What do you think?
456
00:21:07,023 --> 00:21:09,023
Look, I do want
to get married someday.
457
00:21:10,005 --> 00:21:12,015
I mean, maybe not today,
but I just-- I don't want to--
458
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:14,000
I can't date somebody
that won't.
459
00:21:14,004 --> 00:21:15,024
You know, what's the point?
460
00:21:17,021 --> 00:21:19,011
Definitely too much salt.
461
00:21:22,021 --> 00:21:24,021
I mean, it's all
in the timing.
462
00:21:25,011 --> 00:21:26,021
You gotta brown the garlic
463
00:21:27,017 --> 00:21:29,017
before you put in the onions.
464
00:21:30,010 --> 00:21:31,020
Know what I mean?
465
00:21:33,002 --> 00:21:35,002
I thought we were having fun.
466
00:21:47,016 --> 00:21:48,016
It's bitter,
467
00:21:48,022 --> 00:21:51,002
but definitely
has possibilities.
468
00:21:52,010 --> 00:21:56,010
You got a little bit
of sauce on the lip right...
469
00:21:57,002 --> 00:21:58,002
there.
470
00:21:58,005 --> 00:21:59,995
My Zen teacher
also said
471
00:22:00,006 --> 00:22:02,006
the only way to true happiness
472
00:22:02,013 --> 00:22:03,023
is to live in the moment
473
00:22:03,020 --> 00:22:06,000
and not worry about the future.
474
00:22:07,014 --> 00:22:09,024
Of course, he died
penniless and single.