302 - Politically Erect
Ihad been dating politician Bill Kelley
for three weeks.
Since most of our time was spent campaigning, I dressed the part.
I found some vintage Halston
and did a spin on Jackie Kennedy.
The early years.
Who here knows
what a city comptroller does?
You do?
We made a good match.
I was adept at fashion, he at politics.
This city's populace's passion,
love and devotion to their home...
Really, they're both about recycling ideas
and making them seem fresh and inspiring.
It is this love affair, this symbiotic relationship between citizens and city,
that I promise to cherish and protect.
Thank you.
Great guy!
Yes, he is.
can we talk about proposition 114?
- What is that? - You and me in the bedroom.
- Is that on the ballot? - It ought to be. I'd back it.
And that's whatever position you want.
Which way is the bedroom?
Put me down.
That was the night I had my political consciousness raised.
How about a movie Wednesday night?
Wednesday? I'm not sure. I might be working.
Thursday, then.
oK, maybe Thursday. I'll see.
Do you have plans?
Steve, you can't just assume I'm gonna be free every night.
Is it a date?
It could be a date, so I wouldn't necessarily share that with you.
- I'd like to know. Who are you dating? - Nobody in particular.
- Anybody specific? - Is this the third degree?
I'm trying to figure out when I get to see you again.
I'm not dating anyone else.
I'm not planning on dating anyone else.
- I just want to see you. - I see.
Exclusively.
I got it.
That's very sweet. I just hadn't thought about things that way.
- So, think about it. - oK.
Because I think if we really want to see if it can work between us,
this time we got to make the commitment to be exclusive.
oK. I hear you.
oK.
The truth was, there were no other candidates in sight.
But Miranda wasn't ready to let Steve win by default.
You're dating a politician and you're not even registered to vote.
- It's the undecideds they're after. - He's good-looking, he's got power...
It's got to be a turn-on.
Yeah, I'm dating a potential comptroller. It's hot.
- I want to help out. - You're not interested in politics?
It's a great way to meet men.
With carrie, we can meet the inner circle and the interesting donors.
By interesting men she means single and rich.
- Guys, he's not running for president. - I'd vote for him. He's cute.
- So? - I always vote according to looks.
I base my decision on the swimsuit competition.
The country runs better with a good-looking man in charge
Look at Nixon. No one wanted to fuck him, so he fucked everyone.
- I had a crush on Dan Quayle. - We need a president in a hat.
No one wears a hat anymore. FDR, good president, wore a hat.
So busy picking a hat, he forgot to get in the war.
- I had a crush on Dan Quayle. - We tried to ignore that the first time.
It was his crisp, white shirts.
- Reminded me of my father. - So, you were voting for your father.
There was something homoerotic about Quayle and Bush.
- very Batman and Robin. - Based strictly on looks,
- no one was cuter than JFK. - or quicker to jump in the sack.
I'm glad you three weren't around during the original 13 colonies.
I don't think our founding fathers were very fuckable.
I heard that Thomas Jefferson was a real fox.
There we were. Just four girls talking politics.
Meanwhile, Miranda was facing a day at the polls earlier than she expected.
Last night as we were walking home, Steve asked me to go steady.
How sweet. They still call it that?
I don't know if I can make that commitment.
How many other guys are you dating?
That's not the point. I'm so ambivalent about Steve and moving forward.
You did let him back in your life. There must be something there.
There's plenty there. Flaws that make me not want to stick my neck out.
But there's great stuff too.
Maybe I should be honest and tell him what I really feel which is..
what if somebody better comes along?
You gotta put a better spin on it than that.
You see... that's my problem.
I don't know how to be political in relationships.
It's time for the list. Things you like about him. Things you don't like.
- See which is longer. - That's so judgmental.
You are judgmental. Put it to good use.
oK, fine. I'll make a list.
Politics were always as relevant to me as a new Erica Jong novel.
But I did find it interesting that a discussion about politics
ultimately became a discussion about sex.
And a discussion about sex became a question of politics.
Which led me to wonder, if the two were inextricably linked, and if so...
can there be sex without politics?
That night, Samantha discovered her own hot, new candidate.
Hey, Pink Lady. can I buy that for you?
Maybe, if you promise never to use a lame line like that again.
It worked didn't it? Jeff Fenton.
Samantha Jones.
You are damn attractive. And that is not a line.
How long have you been sitting here?
- My first drink. - So, you're just naturally forward?
I'm aggressive. I run a successful hedge fund.
My life is about calculating risks.
Telling a beautiful lady she's attractive is the safest bet I've made all day.
Thank you.
- You like to ski? - I love it.
We have a house in Sun valley. How long have you been skiing?
- on and off for years. - I can tell. You've got the legs for it.
Got to run back to the office.
How about dinner this week?
I told you all about me but I didn't hear about you.
Samantha never felt better. There were gorgeous women
sitting on either side and Jeff had elected her.
Fenton Partners.
That's right. We're up 3200%0 for the year.
Samantha Jones. Public Relations. very nice.
You must do well. Who's gonna say no to you?
- What about dinner? Friday night? - I think that might work.
Just as her self-esteem was soaring right off the charts...
Nice to meet you, Pink Lady. I'll give you a call.
Bye.
Later that week,
I brought "the single ladies coalition to elect Bill Kelley" to a fundraiser.
What is the height difference between a short person and a little person?
- A little person? - A midget.
- A midget or a dwarf? - What's the difference?
Little person is the proper way to refer to an adult under 5 feet.
I agreed to go on a date with a very short person.
I didn't realize he was so short.
Sitting down he was proportional. Standing, he barely clears my nipples.
That may be the perfect height.
I can't cancel just because he's a munchkin.
This is a politically incorrect conversation for a political fundraiser.
Less than five feet is unacceptable.
I have to go mingle. There are a lot of cute guys here
and these things never last beyond two martinis.
charlotte was running her own campaign.
She wanted to be elected wife before the year was out.
- There's Miranda. - Give me that.
Hey, you made it.
Tell me, why are we voting for this guy?
He wants an investigation into the Board of Education for waste,
and he's against large corporations wasting your tax dollars.
- I'm sleeping with him. - Good enough for me.
come on, I'll introduce you.
Jesus christ, he talks more than I do.
This is the lovely Miranda Hobbes. And her friend Steve Brady.
- Hi. - I've heard great things about you.
You must be reading my clippings. I pay people a lot to say nice things.
If you win, maybe you can fix a couple of parking tickets.
I owe New York city $500. I figured I need the money more than they do.
It's a joke! come on, he knows I'm kidding.
- I'll get us a drink. Nice meeting you. - Nice meeting you.
Excuse me.
The dumb jokes. con.
cute butt... pro.
I don't believe in the Republican Party or Democratic Party.
I just believe in parties.
charlotte was stumping for her cause, and making newfriends.
I love Liechtenstein. But I loved comic books as a kid.
But that's great. His work is accessible on so many levels.
Sweetheart, this is charlotte. She runs a gallery downtown.
charlotte, this is my fiancee catherine.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
- Stanford! - Hi.
I can only stay a few minutes, I have tickets to the "vagina Monologues".
Why?
I don't eat at the restaurant, but I can still hear the specials.
- carrie, give me a sip of your drink. - This is my friend, Stanford Blatch.
- Bill Kelley. - I represent the queer vote.
If you can carry chelsea, you've got the city locked up.
I'm not worried about chelsea. Have you seen my ass?
Got my vote.
- 12 o'clock. - Excuse me.
- Who's that guy? - That's his campaign manager.
- Fix me up. - How do you even know he's gay?
I've seen him rollerblading on 8th Avenue.
That's enough.
Please?
Great, now I'm a first lady and a pimp.
Hey, excuse me.
This is awkward, so feel free to stop me at any time, but...
there's a person here who would like to meet you.
- oK. - A guy.
Keep going.
It's the guy right over there.
You mean the blonde guy with the great arms.
Actually, no. It's the bald guy, with the great sense of humor.
- Do you knowthe blonde guy? - No.
- He's really much more my type. - oK.
Well... Go Kelley.
I wondered howto handle this political hot potato.
- He's not gay. - I could have sworn he was.
I realized I was getting good at politics.
I'm just so at the place where I'm ready to settle down.
It seems like a miracle when two nice people like you can find each other.
We met in the most unusual way.
one of my girlfriends threw a party
where all the women brought a man they weren't interested in.
- Somebody brought Bob. - The rest is history.
I love that!
one woman's trash is another woman's treasure.
Bill raised $6,000 that night.
It really got him in the mood.
You know, you're the first woman in ages I've felt this intimate with.
You're so beautiful. So funny... you're great.
Thank you.
I love making love to you.
The feeling is mutual.
Is there anything you want or need that I'm not doing?
- No, it's great. - 'cause I want to know.
- I want to make you happy. - I am happy.
What about you? Is there anything you want or need that I'm not doing?
No.
- Well... maybe one thing. - What?
Well, I would love to get you in the shower.
Get each other all fresh and clean.
That sounds nice.
And then... I'd like you to pee on me.
I would be worried. The pee could be foreplay.
- My God! - Where there's smoke.
It's typical of men in power. They love to be dominated. Humiliated.
What did you say?
I told him I'd just gone, maybe another time.
I can't keep saying that forever.
I peed on a guy once during sex, but it was an accident.
- What did he say? - I don't think he noticed.
I once had to stop eating meat for six months.
So this is what it's come down to... ready, set, pee?
Sometimes with the right guy you have to make concessions.
- There's always gonna be something. - Are you advocating that I do this?
Why not? He's a great-looking political prince.
Sure, it's practically a fairytale.. "The Princess And The Pee".
If you can't work it out with Bill, bring him to my party on Friday.
Everyone is bringing a guy they're no longer interested in.
That's a great idea, I can bring my short guy.
You're dating a munchkin and I'm following the yellow brick road.
A couple of nights later, and no closer to a solution, I had a date with Bill.
We went to his favorite Indian restaurant,
that boasted the hottest curry in the city.
So I just got some new polls.
I'm ahead in Manhattan and Brooklyn but I'm lagging in the Bronx.
I may have to spend another $15,000 to buy myself some voter turnout.
Pretty hot, isn't it? Have some water.
No, I'm fine.
Excuse me, can I get another one? You want a beer?
So, I read your column yesterday.
- You did? - It's great. very funny.
Just one question. Who's the handsome politico you refer to?
He's just some other fellow I'm seeing in Washington.
- You don't mind, do you? - My life is an open book. It has to be.
What I love about the column is the way you feel about it.
It's mutual. Even if I can't put it in print like you.
I am so crazy about you.
Me too.
I was hoping we could spend the night together
but I have an early meeting with the Brooklyn...
That's no problem.
Rain check?
That Friday night, charlotte threw her "used date party".
Hi, you made it!
There are so many eligible men here.
Hi charlotte, nice apartment. can I get you something to drink?
Yes, immediately, if not sooner.
You brought Stanford?
You said to bring a man you're not interested in.
You're making a mockery of this party.
- carrie, charlotte! - Hi!
- This is Jeff Fenton. - Ladies.
- How do you do? - It's a pleasure.
- I'll take your coat. - Take your time.
Mingle.
Is he the smallest man you've ever seen?
If you'll excuse me I have to meet my eligible guests.
I've got to get busy too.
- carrie! - Hey, what are you doing here?
I figured, before I finalize the list, I should see what's out there.
- How's that list going? - Great, fine.
I'm guessing that's Samantha's little friend.
You gotta go to cuba now. Another year will be too late.
can't you get arrested for going?
Fly through canada. They love Americans.
- I'll e-mail you some of my pictures. - I'd love to see them.
- charlotte, right? - Right, and...
- Greg Miller. - very nice to meet you, Greg Miller.
- Having any luck? - Excuse me?
- Meeting someone. - I'm already here with somebody.
Yeah, an ex girlfriend, right?
What are you talking about?
Get a clue.
- You brought me here to dump me? - Not exactly.
I thought, maybe you could meet someone your own size.
Sweetheart, give me an hour in bed, you'll swear I'm the Jolly Green Giant.
- Really? - I'm the best you've ever had.
She felt so politically incorrect about dumping a man for his height.
She felt she had to sleep with him.
Fine. Let's go.
oK, I'm ready to go. There's nobody here for us.
Speak for yourself.
If these guys are in their thirties and these women don't want them,
there might just be a little something for me.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Hi.
I'm an adventure travel junkie. I took the year off after business school.
Trekked the old spice trail in Asia.
Talking to Greg, charlotte felt like she had unearthed a rare coin
that some other woman had discarded.
This is my ex, Belinda Peters, she hooked me up on this thing.
You must be a friend of Karen's. Thanks for bringing this great man.
You're welcome. can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. Excuse me.
Bye. Thanks for coming.
once Melinda saw Greg talking to another woman,
he suddenly looked all shiny and new again.
That night, Jeff proved to Samantha
that he more than made up for his shortcomings.
Samantha told us later it was like having sex with a horny smurf.
Meanwhile, across town, Steve was busy stuffing Miranda's ballot box.
You know, I'm not looking for a quick answer in the monogamy thing.
It's probably something that's got to happen on its own.
It's just that I wanted you to know how I feel.
You're the best woman I've ever met.
I want you to know... to know that.
I love you, Miranda. I really do.
Steve had just said the one big pro that outweighed all the cons.
Later that week, Samantha put her heels away and gave Jeff a chance.
Little boy's room. I'll be right back.
Samantha was stunned.
It was one thing to date a man who went to the little boy's room.
Another to date one who still shopped at the little boy's department.
Samantha!
I'm not feeling very well. I've got to go. Goodnight.
Wait, I'll take you.
I'm not really sick. Look, Jeff...
I can't do this. It's not a good idea. I don't want to lead you on.
Lead me on? You came five times the other night.
- It's not really that... - Then, what?
What happened in the past five minutes?
- You shop at the boy's department. - So, what?
The clothes fit me better, plus they're cheaper.
Where do you shop, the big and tall whore store?
You're nothing but a big dick with a little man attached.
You're nothing but a big pair of tits, with too much extra leg room.
Surprisingly, Samantha had found what she was really looking for.
And it had nothing to do with size.
Somebody get me a booster chair.
She'd found a man who made her laugh. They dated for two weeks.
Though he was short, it was a long relationship for Samantha.
That night, parched and nervous, I spent another night with Bill.
- Man, that was great. - Yes, it was.
come on, let's take a shower.
come on, get in while it's hot.
- can I talk to you about something? - oK.
I've been giving this peeing thing a lot of thought,
and while I think it's totally fine that that's what you're into, I just...
It's just never really been my thing.
oh, yeah?
Yeah, so I thought instead, maybe you could close your eyes
and I could dribble warm tea on you. That might feel good.
or... maybe...
...you might think it's fun
to hear the sound of running water when we have sex.
And, if things got really serious between us, I could...
maybe, even, leave the bathroom door open sometime.
Although, I'm really not sure how comfortable I'd be with that either.
You know, there's something I want to tell you too.
Some people connected with the campaign read your column...
and they had a different take on it.
- What does that mean? - They said it was funny and clever,
but that it was a lot about sex.
They don't think I should date a sex columnist before the election.
They thought it was kind of seamy.
Wait a second, I may write about sex, but you like people to pee on you.
Yeah, but nobody knows about that.
I realized that politics had entered my bedroom as well as my bathroom.
I decided that my bravest political act would be to tell the truth.
I didn't use his real name. It was much more political not to.