301 - Where there's smoke
NewYork city. Home to one million exciting, eligible, single men...
and four cold and slightly cranky single women.
Well, this is good. We,re actually crossing water to meet men.
Reminder, I am not going to staten Island to meet men.
I am going to judge them.
A perk of being a minor celebrity
is that you get invited to major events.
Like NewYork fire department's
annual calendar competition.
This is a long way to go to watch
some firemen take their shirts off.
I,m on the ferry. I better see more than pecs.
I,m freezing!
I don't understand
why they couldn,t hold the competition
in a bar in Manhattan.
They have firemen
on the Upper East side too.
And they only put out top-notch fires.
Look at how small it looks.
Who would have thought an island that tiny
would be big enough to hold all our old boyfriends.
He loves to cook and can whip up a great baked ziti.
He,s from engine 275, ladder 133,
way out there in Queens.
- Is he hot? - He's a six.
on a scale of how many?
His name was Bill Kelley. He was a divorced politician,
campaigning for New York city comptroller.
And the token male judge.
- Watch the firemen. - I,m more into cops.
He,s a dancer and married. sorry, ladies.
His wife Maria said he,s a good guy but he works too hard.
Work that belly!
Ladies, over here.
oK, they don,t make cosmopolitans, it,s a staten Island iced tea.
- Is that like a Long Island iced tea? - I think so.
Hello, I,m drunk.
Do we have to be this close? It,s embarrassing.
- You gotta be in it to win it. - I,m moving back.
I can,t see the cute firemen from back there without my glasses.
Why do you even care? You have steve.
I do not have steve. There is no having of the steve, we,re just friends.
We,re just friends. I don,t put my dick in you.
Another one of these and I might let you.
There are no datable men here.
What was your first clue? The pleather jackets or smell of... High Karate...?
Ladies, this is Ricky Fantucchi. He,s a capricorn.
His uncles are firefighters.
Yes, ladies, that,s a cheetah on his arm.
Ricky represents engine 53 in Lower Manhattan.
I,d like to show him my Lower Manhattan.
- Look at his arms, they,re huge. - You knowwhat they say.
Big arms... big arms.
Hello, 911. I,m on fire.
After the contest, I began to realize that staten Island
was like a quaint European country.
The American music was 20 years behind
and you could smoke wherever you wanted.
Hi. Are those shirts are for sale? I,d like to get one for my nephew.
Yeah, you could buy,em. But I don,t knowwhere.
I got this one at work, but I,m sure you could buy,em at other places.
- I,ve seen them in those shops... - samantha.
- Ricky, how are you doing? - Good. How are you doing?
- I sawyou up there. - I sawyou too.
- You looked fantastic. - Yeah?
I never did anything like that. My sisters said... Do it, Ricky....
And I said, ... I never did anything like that before....
You did it very well.
- I wonder what month you,ll be. - Maybe october.
- My birthday is in october. - I bet July, or any month that,s hot.
Two songs later, it was time for this dancing queen to take a breather.
Hello. Can I bum a smoke?
- sure. - Thanks.
There you go.
- That,s good. I quit three years ago. - How's that working out for you?
- Good. I allow myself one a week. - You live right on the edge, don,t you?
- can I buy you a beer? - No, I got it.
It's on me. For helping me out in there.
sure. And by the way, you have the worst taste in men...
-... ever. - No way.
You gave that guy from Midtown a 7.
I like a firefighter with love handles to hold on to
when escaping a burning building.
- You got a point there. - But you were tough.
And what,s with the half-points? 6.5, 8.5?
What can I say? sometimes a girl needs a half.
so, which district do you vote in?
Whichever one is near Barneys.
You,ve never voted in New York city?
correct, Mr. President.
What,s your address? official government purposes.
- I can tell you your district. - officially?
It's 245 East 73rd street.
District 23. Same as mine. I'm at Madison and 82nd.
Fancy. I thought all honest politicians lived in studios
and ate beans out of a can.
I'm not a fan of beans.
can I get your phone number? Government purposes only.
I,m just here with my friends having a good time.
- I,m not into dating right now. - What, bad break-up?
That was a long silence.
Actually, it was a silence and a half.
HaVe dinner with me.
Would it help if I took my shirt off?
Time to go. Politician,s hitting on me.
- And is that a bad thing? - He,s just way too... I,m the guy....
Are you sure? He,s pretty cute.
I don,t want to have to tell you this. I saw him give someone a thumbs up.
We,re out of here. samantha went home with that firefighter.
- Toot toot, beep beep. - And charlotte,s around somewhere.
- How many cocktails did she have? - A couple, why?
And so, three girls headed home,
taking only fond memories of staten Island and its infamous iced teas.
Honey, close up, it,s cold.
- Are you gonna help? - I held her head in the taxi.
You,re so nice, carrie.
- I,m nice too, aren,t I? - Yes, you,re nice.
I'm nice...
I'm pretty and I'm smart. I'm a catch.
Yes, you,re a catch.
I hate you.
You knowwhat? I,m gonna meet the perfect guy and get married.
Yes, you,re getting married.
Did you hear that New York? I,m getting married this year.
I,m getting married and here I come!
If she falls oVer I will neVer stop laughing.
I wasn't quite sure if it was the iced teas
or the staten Island dating pool that broke the camel,s back.
But something set charlotte on fire.
And uptown on dry land, samantha and Mr. July had their own fire going.
You,re so big and strong.
I believe the official fire department count is... a four alarmer....
The next morning at breakfast, Miranda and I wanted poached eggs,
samantha wanted to give us the details
and charlotte wanted to keep her head from exploding
over her raincoat.
I,m telling you, no guy has ever gotten me that wet.
- Pass the salt. - Let me tell you about his cock.
Will you be quiet? The people at the next table have a child.
- That,s their choice. - Miss Hangover,s right.
can we spare the cock talk till cocktail time?
I wanted you to know my fireman was every bit the fantasy I had in mind.
New York's finest.
- That,s cops. - Whatever.
I think it,s wrong to sleep with a man just to fulfill a fantasy.
All the men we sleep with fulfill a certain fantasy.
or nightmare.
You fantasize of a man with a fancy apartment and a stock portfolio.
For me, it,s a fireman with a big hose.
Why are firemen so cute?
Even when they,re not that cute... they,re still cute.
First, there,s a weight limit. second, it,s the hero thing.
- You see him on that truck... - That truck is hot.
...hurrying to save someone trapped.
They,ve got that ... I,m a good guy... look in their eyes.
It,s because women want to be rescued.
The sentence independent single women in their thirties
are never supposed to think, let alone say out loud.
It,s true. I,ve been dating since I was 15, I,m exhausted. Where is he?
- Who? The white knight? - That only happens in fairytales.
My hair hurts.
Did you ever think that maybe we,re the white knights
and we,re the ones that have to save ourselves?
- That is so depressing. - Is it?
Later that day I got to thinking about fairytales.
What if Prince charming had never showed up?
Would snowWhite have slept in that glass coffin forever?
or would she have eventually woken up, spit out the apple, gotten a job,
a healthcare package and a baby from her local sperm bank?
I couldn,t help but wonder. Inside every confident, driven, single woman
is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?
Was charlotte right?
Do women just wanna be rescued?
And after your laser surgery on saturday
you,ll need a significant other or a friend to help get you home.
sign here.
While for some women the idea of rescue was a life raft,
for Miranda it was an insult.
I don,t need anybody to help me. I,ll be fine.
You,ll be sedated and your vision will be blurred.
You will need someone to get you home and to bed.
Then take two sleeping pills, sleep for 12 hours.
Wake up and you,ll be able to see perfectly.
I can,t believe I,m gonna wake up and see clearly
without glasses or contacts for the first time.
BelieVe it.
They slit your eyeball open and flip up the top.
- Gross. - It just flips right up. Flip, my eye.
- oK, stop. - This little blade cuts it. Just...
...like the top of a grape.
It sounds pretty bad.
You want me to come down and hold your hand?
I,m fine. I do not need anyone to hold my hand.
I,m not saying you need anyone.
I,d just like to be there. To help you, whatever.
You,ll need help getting home.
Yeah, I,m gonna ask carrie.
Why do you have to ask carrie when I,m offering?
Because, you know, carrie is my friend.
- oK, and what am I? - We haven,t established that yet.
- Are you coming up? - We haven,t established that yet.
What are we doing here? I mean, are we...
steve, after they flip the eye up, these jets...
And over on the East side at a more charlotte-friendly bar,
the ice tea princess began her quest for a white knight.
oh, my God. He,s so cute. cute, right?
very cute. And I,m a professional.
I have to meet him. How am I gonna meet him?
We got here ten minutes ago. Pace yourself.
Hey beautiful. I,m J.J. can I buy those sweet lips a drink?
I,m sorry. We were just leaving.
charlotte was a firm believer in the laws of dating feng shui.
change location, change luck.
Why is it always a guy like that? Is it me?
No, it,s not you. Into every life a little J.J. must fall.
I just want a nice, sweet, handsome, funny, great guy,
who doesn,t say things like sweet lips.
Is that too much to ask?
Hey, you didn,t leave. You,re just over here now.
- Let me buy you a drink. - I,m not interested.
one drink. I,ll even buy blondie here one.
- one little drink. - Excuse me. she,s not interested.
Am I talking to you? No. come on...
- You,re not listening. The lady said... - Hey, fuck you.
- I,m sorry about that. - Did you hurt your hand?
No.
His name was Arthur.
He was a nice, sweet, handsome, great investment banker
who lived between Madison and Fifth.
so, maybe there really were white knights.
The day after charlotte met her knight, I met my credit card limit.
With no man in sight, I decided to rescue my ankles
from a life of boredom
by purchasing too many pairs of Jimmy choo shoes.
Hello, my name is Bill Kelley and I,m gonna be your city comptroller.
- You,re not seriously here. - I assure you I am.
I brought some voter registration forms. I filled out your name.
Under occupation I put heartbreaker. I really did. Look.
You,re like a Jehovah,s Witness with a good suit.
- How long have you been here? - Your number is not listed.
- What did you buy? - shoes.
Let me see. sit down and show me.
- God, you are... - I know.
I,m not showing you a shoe.
sexy.
- Hey, I need a favor. - You do?
It,s for the city of New York. I really am one of the good guys.
I,m carrying all the boroughs but I need help with staten Island.
- You want one? - No, I had one on Thursday.
Here,s the thing. I gotta go back out there
to do a schmooze at the capri restaurant
on sunday night and I want you to go with me.
- And why is that? - Because they have great Italian.
And also, for the record... I can,t stop thinking about you.
I'll pick you up at 7.:00.
- No. - Don't answer now. Think about it.
I,ll drive by at 7.:00. I,ll wait in the car. If you come, you come.
If you don,t, no pressure. Wear the shoes.
These. pass them.
That saturday, when I was unable to take Miranda to her laser surgery
due to a looming column deadline, she didn,t call steve.
she decided to take things into her own hands.
Who needs a man to hold your hand, when you have cab fare
and a black marker to write down emergency numbers?
And while Miranda was under the knife,
charlotte was having her first glass of white wine with her white knight.
I did the Hasty Pudding show a couple of times, to blow off steam.
My friend Tom says that Harvard is still
the most aggressive place he,s seen. And he,s a trader.
- Not Tom Kennedy? - Yes, do you know Tom?
He,s a great guy. And his wife. That,s my idea of a perfect marriage.
Totally.
charlotte nodded, thinking what a nice, sweet, handsome,
funny, great couple they made.
Excuse me, you just bumped into her chair.
- A little crowded. - Yes, but you bumped her chair.
You should say you,re sorry.
- It,s oK. - No, it,s not oK.
- That,s no way to treat a lady. - Lighten up. It,s brunch.
charlotte realized that her date wasn,t a man who came to women,s rescue,
he was a man who liked to start fights.
- Excuse me, sir... - You want a piece of me?
And just like that,
charlotte,s white knight changed into a white nightmare.
Miss Hobbes, your friend is here.
- carrie? - Actually no, it,s me.
carrie thought you might need some help. oK?
I,m on valium, everything,s oK.
- Here, give me your hand. - I,m good.
Just don,t let me hit the door frame and never mention these goggles.
one cab ride and two sleeping pills later, steve put Miranda to bed.
All right. Give me your leg.
No, this leg. I want this leg.
stop! No rescue.
Fine, oK. All right! Put your feet in, sleeping Beauty.
The next morning, after what felt like a hundred years, Miranda awoke.
And for the first time in her life, she sawthings clearly.
That night, Mr. July invited samantha to come down and hang with him
while he worked the sunday shift.
Hello? Where is everyone?
The idea being in a firehouse filled with a calendar hot firemen,
was a fantasy, samantha felt, whose time had definitely come.
Boys!
This was not the firehouse fantasy samantha had in mind.
samantha. I just put a pot of chilli on. come on, sit down.
come on, get up. Make a move for sam.
I,ll be right back.
samantha,s rescue fantasy was suddenly something
she needed to be rescued from.
- It,s me, leave a message. - Hey, I,m still down here in the car.
I,ll wait ten more seconds and then I,ll go alone.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, poor me...
five, four, three, two...
...one. one and a half, sometimes a girl needs a half.
oK, that was my best shot, you,re not coming.
so long... vote!
- I don,t knowwhat I,m doing. - oK.
I,m standing here, fully dressed, watching that politician guy
drive off to staten Island without me. Why?
- You hate staten Island? - Don,t think so. Any other ideas?
Just say it.
Big. You,re terrified of getting hurt again.
There it was. The phrase single, independent women in their thirties
are never supposed to think. Let alone say out loud.
oK, gotta go.
Miranda was right.
I was like a woman frozen on the ledge of a building on fire.
I,d been so burned in my last relationship,
I was afraid to leap off into the next one.
Excuse me for a second.
- Hey. How did you get here? - Ferry.
- All alone? - I,m very independent.
- I can see that. - And this isn,t a date.
I'm a concerned citizen.
A woman on my block won,t pick up after her poodle.
I,ll see what I can do. can I take your coat?
And, Mr. President, it was a bad break-up.
so I need to take this slow.
somewhere between the chilli and half-time,
samantha decided if she wanted her firehouse fantasy to happen,
she,d have to make it happen.
Up here.
Nice pole. Wanna see it again?
Yeah.
samantha rode the pole a couple of times that night.
Why are these boots set up like this?
so we,ll be ready at a moment,s notice.
Well, I should be a fireman, because I am always ready to go.
We,ve got a job.
Get out of my gear. Get the fuck out of my gear!
Let,s go! Move, lady, it,s a fuckin, fire!
I,m coming.
samantha learned there,s quite a difference
between a rescue fantasy and a rescue reality.
It,s getting late. Are you sure I can,t give you a ride?
No, I,m good.
You go... You go and do your thing.
Do I get your vote?
Too fast?
My God, you,re so sexy. come home with me.
Kissing is enough.
It,s enough for tonight, really.
oh, shit. It,s almost 12:00, I,m gonna miss the last ferry.
Wait!
I lost my choo.
Need a ride?
He didn,t have a white horse,
but he did have a BMW with a working heater.
so I guess, sometimes a woman absolutely has to be rescued.
- You,re taking me home and that,s it. - That,s it... for tonight.
Now, any idea howwe get the fuck off this island?
oK, make a right.
And sometimes, a woman absolutely has to rescue a man.
At least, that,s how it ends in this staten Island fairytale.