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LA,
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land of perpetual sun
and perpetual sun bathing.
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Which also makes it...
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land of the perpetual bikini wax.
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After a week in LA,
I made an appointment
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with the city's premiere waxer
to the stars, Alicia.
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-She was known for her artful work...
-Oh.
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-...her lightning-quick hands...
-Thanks. That's great.
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Put feet ahead.
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...and her indecipherable accent.
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Excuse me?
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-Ahhh!
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All done. Beautiful.
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You look.
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Oh!
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I got mugged!
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She took everything I got!
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It's called a Brazilian wax.
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Why didn't you tell her to stop?
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I tried. I feel like one of those
freaking hairless dogs.
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It's an aesthetic thing.
Everyone goes bare out here.
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Of course they do. LA men are too lazy
to have to go searching for anything.
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Yeah, you can't hide
your light under a bush.
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Well, she must have left something,
a triangle? A little landing strip?
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No, I am totally bald!
And, might I add, freezing.
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Oh, I would've killed her.
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I'm so aware of down there now.
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Now I feel like I'm nothing
but walking sex.
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That's the thing about the Brazilian.
It makes you do crazy things.
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You have to be very careful
who you invite to Brazil.
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Well, I'm officially RSVP-ing "no."
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-Hey, where you going?
-I'm meeting Lew.
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Letterman Lew?
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He doesn't work for Letterman anymore.
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He moved out here
to write that New York sitcom.
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You know, the one about the three
20-something kids who live in a loft?
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Oh, yeah, one's a feisty waitress.
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What are you and Lew gonna do?
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I'm sure we'll have a couple of drinks
and bitch about LA.
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I can't believe he lives out here now.
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Well, maybe you should tell him to move
to Brazil. I hear it's quite popular.
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So you guys are on your own tonight.
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We're going to go
to that movie premiere thing.
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-Oh, what's the movie?
-Oh, no one sees the movie.
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We're going to use my press pass
and get into the after-party.
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I love LA.
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You two should get out of the sun.
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Mmm.
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Lew asked Miranda
to meet him at the Flowing Tree.
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Surrounded by
all these tan, fit, happy people,
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she knew she would recognize
pale, chubby, unhappy Lew immediately.
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Miranda?
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Oh, my God!
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Do I look that different?
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Well, let's just say it's a good thing
you still wear that hat.
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Oh, please,
if you ever see me in a Lakers hat--
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I know, shoot you.
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-Exactly. Come on, sit.
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You look amazing.
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Thanks. You want to grab a drink?
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Oh, please, yes, let's go.
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The sight of all these bleached teeth
is blinding.
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No, I mean, grab something here.
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This place is known
for its green tea infusions.
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Please, infusions?
Could LA be any worse?
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Take off that hat, I'm gonna
shoot you right now.
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Actually, I really like it here.
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Hang on. What happened to the guy
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I used to share beers with
and make fun of happy people?
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I know, I know. The thing is,
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I think I'm one of those
happy people now.
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Wow. I mean, good for you.
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I know it sounds crazy,
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but I think I was just
supremely unhappy in New York.
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I mean, I came out here and
I let a lot of that old, toxic anger go.
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I take things slowly, get outside...
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LA agrees with me.
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Miranda realized she was
the one standing out in that room.
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She was the only angry New Yorker
for miles.
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Hey, let's go for a hike.
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- Over here.
- Look over here.
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Good evening, ma'am.
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Later that night,
two very happy New Yorkers
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prepared to hike
up their first LA red carpet.
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Hi, Carrie Bradshaw,
I'm with the New York Star.
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Are you on the list?
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Well, I'm press...
Well, I'm a columnist.
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-Here, that's me.
-Press room is to the left.
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Crinkle cut cheese
and some fat Enquirer reporters?
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I don't think so.
91
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Let me see your passes from the movie.
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Oh, no one goes to the movie.
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Everyone goes to the movie.
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Could you please
step off the red carpet?
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-Do you know who she is?
-I know she's not on the list.
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Okay, okay, okay.
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Let's just go.
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I can't believe this.
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00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,931
This wouldn't happen in New York.
People know you in New York.
100
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,724
And no one goes to the freaking movie.
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We're out of here.
I'm getting the car out of valet hoc.
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There I was,
a Hollywood nobody,
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cast off the red carpet
and standing in my proper place
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on a grease-stained parking lot.
105
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We're talking in circles here.
That's right, we're talking in circles.
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I understand... No, I heard you.
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Okay, sure.
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Yeah.
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Well, you tell her that
when she's ready to deal,
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she can go ahead
and call me herself, okay?
111
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-I'm at a function here.
112
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Please tell me that
you have another one of those.
113
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Wow, and I thought I had a problem.
114
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-Are you going to light it for me?
-Yeah.
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Thanks.
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Mmm.
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Full tar, it's very nice.
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I thought they banned these here.
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I taped them to my body on the plane.
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-New Yorker?
-Yep.
121
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I'm Keith Travers,
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-representing Matt Damon.
-Oh.
123
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Carrie Bradshaw,
I'm representing myself.
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-Actress?
-Oh, no, no, no, writer.
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-You're too pretty to be a writer.
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And that's too cheesy a line
for you to be a writer.
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It's going to take
a fucking hour to get the car.
128
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Samantha Jones, meet, um...
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Keith Travers.
He's representing Matt Damon.
130
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And you ladies aren't going anywhere.
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If you say so.
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Should we go inside?
133
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Let's enjoy our evening, huh?
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Once we got inside,
our magic carpet ride really began.
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I can't believe that they wouldn't let
someone like you in.
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That's a total disconnect.
137
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-A disconnect?
-Yeah. Excuse me, guys.
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Yeah, a disconnect.
That's like, you know, a fuck-up.
139
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-Oh. A disconnect.
-Yeah.
140
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You writers are word Nazis, huh?
141
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-You're going to ride me with that.
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-Uh, hey.
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Someone's ass is ringing
and it ain't mine.
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But yours would if it could.
145
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It would ring if it could ring.
Excuse me, I got to...
146
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I'll just be one second, okay?
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Enjoy yourself, you're in now, so...
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That is one tall drink of water.
149
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Uh-huh.
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00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,352
Samantha had worshipped
Hugh Hefner
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ever since she was old enough
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-to steal her father's Playboys.
-Oh, my God.
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To her,
this wasn't a celebrity sighting,
154
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this was the celebrity sighting.
155
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I'll be back.
156
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Hugh, hi.
157
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-Hello.
-I'm Samantha Jones.
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-Well, hello.
-I just wanted to tell you,
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I'm a huge fan.
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Well, in that case, join us for a drink.
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-A drink?
- That'd be great.
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Oh, well, thank you.
163
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-Seriously?
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Drinking with three blondes,
165
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I guess that's just
a regular day for you.
166
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-A slow one, yes.
167
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Listen, I'm pretty crazed this week,
168
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but I do have a lunch opening
on Wednesday.
169
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Can I take you out?
170
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,734
-Link, great table.
-Oh.
171
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:08,071
I had been trying
to get into Link for a week.
172
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,948
He seemed smart and sexy,
173
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and this outsider was starting to like
the view from the inside.
174
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-Yeah, okay.
-Great.
175
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,495
-Sure. Okay.
-Great.
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00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,955
-Hey, Keith.
-Hey, how are you?
177
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,081
You know, there's a VIP room.
178
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,667
You want to go to the VIP room?
179
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,044
Yeah, I want to go to the VIP room.
180
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,421
-Okay, let's go. VIP room.
-VIP room?
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-All right.
-All right.
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Back home,
Charlotte had never felt more inside.
183
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,888
She had just attended
her first black-tie doctors' benefit.
184
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Mmm. Mmm.
185
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Damn, we make a fine-looking couple.
186
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Yes, we do.
187
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So, how did I do?
188
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Well, Mrs. MacDougal,
you did quite well.
189
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,950
Well, thank you, Dr. MacDougal.
190
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:59,080
You know, doctor, I have an itch
I was hoping you could help me out with.
191
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:03,960
Trey.
192
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:10,759
You know, maybe it's time
we really thought about some options,
193
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,260
like Viagra.
194
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:13,344
Viagra?
195
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:19,017
Charlotte, are you aware that Viagra
is a killer for men with heart problems?
196
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,896
And let me remind you,
my father died of a heart attack
197
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:24,564
and it runs in my family.
198
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,691
Trey wasn't the only one
with heart problems.
199
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,485
I'm just trying to help.
200
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:32,572
Now I'm tense. I'm going for a run.
201
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:35,241
It was the fifth time
Trey had gone running at bedtime
202
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:36,534
in the last two weeks.
203
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:41,748
The next day, Samantha decided
to get some exercise as well.
204
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:45,043
Unfortunately, her pocketbook
was getting most of the workout.
205
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,252
Fendi, $150.
206
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:54,010
And so she decided
to give her old pocketbook a rest.
207
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,688
That day,
as Charlotte picked up my mail,
208
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,358
she realized she missed a lot more
than just her sex life...
209
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,443
She missed her single life.
210
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,364
And if Trey could run away
from their problems,
211
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,157
so could she.
212
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,412
I can't deal with Trey.
213
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,248
Okay, honey, calling to tell me that
214
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,833
might have been
a little more economical.
215
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,379
And, I just... I really missed you guys.
216
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,798
Well, we missed you too.
217
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,384
So, Trey is...
218
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:37,720
It's not working.
And he refuses to even talk about it.
219
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,224
I take it from the wheelie bag,
you'll be staying?
220
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,393
I really need a vacation.
221
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,520
Well, you came to the right place.
222
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,230
I got to meet this Keith guy,
223
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:50,775
um, but Miranda and Samantha
are down by the pool.
224
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,485
-Oh?
-Oh.
225
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,034
Charlotte glanced down
at the glistening pool,
226
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:03,955
and just like that, her marriage
and Trey seemed very far away.
227
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:12,088
Before lunch, I agreed to go with Keith
to see a house he was interested in.
228
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:20,471
Jesus, this is not a house,
this is an airport.
229
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:22,390
It's Lorenzo Lamas's.
230
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:25,351
He's asking 3.4, but it'll go for 3.2.
231
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,478
- Now there's a bargain.
232
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,606
-Yes?
-Hey, come check out the view.
233
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,358
In New York,
a first date is dinner and a movie.
234
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:36,779
In LA, it's lunch
and seeing a $3. 4-million house.
235
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:37,947
So, what do you think?
236
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:40,950
I think I should be working
in syndicated television.
237
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,076
But it's good, right?
238
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,205
It's really good.
239
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:49,209
But does a single guy like you
need this much space?
240
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:50,668
Probably not.
241
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,712
But come on, I mean, it looks good.
242
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:53,796
And so did he.
243
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,642
And there,
in the South American's living room,
244
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,518
my Brazilian made me kiss him.
245
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,523
Wait till you see the hot tub.
246
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,445
We should go check out the hot tub, huh?
247
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,364
Okey dokey.
248
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,452
I'll have the egg-white omelet
with no cheese,
249
00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,162
but tomatoes and mushrooms,
250
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,499
and instead of the fries,
a side of fruit with no grapes.
251
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:31,876
And a half decaf skim.
252
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,462
Can I suggest that you get
the mushrooms steamed?
253
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:37,423
Because it lightens the calories
but retains the flavor.
254
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:38,508
Great, thanks.
255
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,095
-I really like LA
- Who wouldn't?
256
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:45,223
Keith wants to buy a $3-million house,
and I can't even afford new curtains.
257
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,517
That's where the guy's out here
have New York men beat.
258
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,269
-Real estate.
-Mmm.
259
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,229
Lew may be the perfect guy.
260
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,481
-Letterman Lew?
- Yeah!
261
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,900
He's an ideal combination
of the two coasts.
262
00:12:55,984 --> 00:13:00,071
He's still a New Yorker at heart,
but he's lost all his anger and neuroses
263
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,115
and 30 pounds.
264
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,408
Wait a minute, we're New Yorkers.
265
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,285
Aren't we supposed to like
the neurotic guys?
266
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:08,079
Oh, honey,
the Woody Allen thing's so over.
267
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,540
I'm telling you,
he's a changed man.
268
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,668
He's really spiritual and happy.
He met the Dalai Lama.
269
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,461
So? I met Hugh Hefner.
270
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:18,506
One woman's pornographer
is another woman's spiritual leader.
271
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,758
Maybe he's on to something, you know?
272
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,386
Maybe it's time
I stopped being so angry.
273
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,305
Yeah, but what would you do
with all your free time?
274
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,973
I'll tell you what you could do.
275
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,101
-Shop.
276
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,562
- Jesus!
-No, you didn't!
277
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,397
That's like, $3,000!
278
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,565
Or a $150.
279
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:37,608
-Fake.
-No!
280
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,569
Oh, my God, it looks so real.
281
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,154
-I know.
-Give me that.
282
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,449
You'd never know it wasn't a real Fendi
unless you looked inside at the lining.
283
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:47,285
Yeah, I don't have that luxury.
All my insides are on the outside now.
284
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,286
I don't like fakes.
285
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:50,663
Oh, who cares?
All that matters is what it looks like.
286
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,248
It's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
287
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,958
We could go get more.
I got the guy's card.
288
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,210
He lives somewhere called the Valley.
289
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,255
Could you have more condoms?
290
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,590
I did, yes.
291
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:05,678
I am just so happy to be
out of that condom stage of life.
292
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,014
And here I thought it was called my 30s.
293
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,308
It's so nice to go to bed
with the same man every night.
294
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,935
Please tell me you didn't come to LA
to regale us with stories
295
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,521
about how much sex you're having
now that you're married.
296
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,315
Charlotte didn't have the nerve
to tell them
297
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,692
her conjugal bliss was a conjugal miss.
298
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:22,528
So, what should I do first in LA?
299
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:27,241
Well, the first thing you'll need
is a good bikini wax.
300
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:30,286
Hey, you should try Alicia.
301
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,125
-Ow!
302
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,341
That night,
after hours of stress-free pool time,
303
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,301
I realized something startling.
304
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,221
I was actually starting to like LA.
305
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,142
New Yorkers are trained
to hate Los Angeles.
306
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,812
This supposedly is a place
where intellect is ridiculed
307
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,648
and who you date
and what you look like is revered.
308
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,275
Yet here we were,
having the time of our lives.
309
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:04,695
The men were happy, the homes were huge,
the bags looked great.
310
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:06,406
And maybe that was enough.
311
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,075
The weather moves from west to east.
312
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:12,537
Was it just a matter of time
before the truth blew across Manhattan?
313
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,915
When it comes to bags, men and cities,
314
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,376
is it really what's outside that counts?
315
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:23,339
The next day, Samantha and I
went to the Valley for Fendi bags.
316
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,883
This is it, 4-5-3-8-6.
317
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,593
Is that an address or a zip code?
318
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,596
-I don't know.
-I miss Lorenzo Lamas's neighborhood.
319
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,853
My God.
320
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,312
Oh, there he is.
321
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,526
We had found it,
fake Fendi paradise.
322
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:47,905
He should really work
on his display area.
323
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,533
Seven for a thousand, huh. You like?
324
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,286
I should have liked them.
325
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,079
But staring into that trunk,
326
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:57,248
they no longer looked like
elegant Fendi bags.
327
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:58,458
They just looked cheap.
328
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,960
And even if everyone else
thought it was real,
329
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,255
I'd always know my bag came from
a cardboard box in a trunk
330
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,840
-deep in the Valley.
-This is good. Very good quality.
331
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,468
You know what? I don't think so.
332
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,094
You don't want a bag now?
333
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,805
I'm sorry, they're very nice,
it's just...
334
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:15,600
Yeah, yeah. Please,
don't smoke near the bags, huh?
335
00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,855
We drove for two hours in the Valley.
336
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,691
-God.
-That's it.
337
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,276
We're going back to the hotel.
338
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:26,444
Oh, my God!
339
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:31,407
They just looked so sad
staring up at me from that trunk.
340
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,618
They were waiting
for some nice lady to adopt them.
341
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,161
I was almost eaten by dogs.
342
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:36,996
The least you could've done
was buy a bag.
343
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,581
Well, I guess I'd rather wait
for the real thing.
344
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:42,627
Then, at least you know it's one of
a kind and special or something.
345
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,380
My marriage is a fake Fendi.
346
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:47,757
Excuse me?
347
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,677
Trey and I look like the perfect couple
from the outside,
348
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,846
but on the inside, it's all fake.
349
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,681
It's not special.
350
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,642
He can't even get it up.
351
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:58,559
What?
352
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,645
We've never had sex.
353
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,063
You've never had sex?
354
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:04,357
-But you've been married for--
-Over a month!
355
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,274
You've never had sex?
356
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,069
It's not a physical thing,
it's emotional.
357
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,362
You knew about this?
358
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,405
She told me at the wedding.
359
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,202
Well, I was afraid you'd just say
you told me so,
360
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:18,538
and then I should never have
gotten married so quickly.
361
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,415
Charlotte, who am I to judge you?
362
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,502
We all have our own paths in life.
363
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:27,547
Apparently, three days with Lew
had changed Miranda
364
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:30,341
from deeply sarcastic to Deepak Chopra.
365
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,594
What am I going to do?
366
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,471
Wait, you've never had sex?
367
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,723
-She's never had sex.
-It's only been a month.
368
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,351
Hey, he hasn't seen Brazil.
369
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:43,646
-A second honeymoon to South America.
370
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,231
That might do the trick.
371
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:48,234
I know how to cheer you up.
A trip to the Playboy Mansion.
372
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:49,902
Hef invited us over
373
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:53,364
for one of those Playmate pool parties
tomorrow afternoon.
374
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,366
Hef? Did you say, Hef?
375
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,617
Why would that cheer her up?
376
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,744
Does she look like
a 22-year-old frat boy?
377
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:01,330
No, but it wouldn't hurt
for us to meet some.
378
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,707
Sorry, not going.
379
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,709
Oh, come on, it would be fun.
380
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,919
We're in LA.
381
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:09,297
All right, fine,
but I better be on the guest list.
382
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:14,093
Later that night,
I was a guest at Keith's amazing house.
383
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,595
He made sizzling scallops,
384
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,014
and after dinner,
things got even hotter.
385
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,515
I like hot tubs.
386
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,060
New York should have more hot tubs,
like on roofs and stuff.
387
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,104
Well, if you like that...
388
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,177
While I was going native
with Keith,
389
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,554
Miranda and Lew went back to New York.
390
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,222
Or at least to the New York strip steak.
391
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,974
Oh, this looks great.
392
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,684
Oh, my God, do I miss this smell.
393
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:06,020
So, you were saying?
394
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,105
You should really read
Zen and the Art of Modern Living.
395
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,482
It is so calming.
396
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,484
I'm still trying
to get used to bath beads.
397
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,944
You are so New York.
398
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,447
Come on, don't you miss it?
399
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,657
Just a little?
400
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,992
No. I get to write about it every day.
401
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,453
But that's not New York,
it's a sound stage.
402
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,288
Twenty-somethings with tiny salaries
403
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,874
don't live in huge SoHo lofts
painted bright colors.
404
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,209
It's totally fake.
405
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,920
I think 40 million viewers
would disagree with you on that one.
406
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,471
Is something wrong with your steak?
407
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,264
No, uh-uh, it's great.
408
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:54,944
What are you doing?
409
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,070
I'm tasting my food.
410
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,239
Why aren't you swallowing your food?
411
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:00,616
Do you think I look this good by eating?
412
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:03,911
Miranda realized
Lew hadn't found inner peace,
413
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,579
he'd found an eating disorder.
414
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,747
Are you serious?
415
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,125
Miranda, don't put
your toxic shit on me.
416
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,876
This is fucking LA, okay?
417
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,837
You have no idea
what kind of pressure I'm under here.
418
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,047
Who cares what you look like?
You're a writer.
419
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,173
For a hit show.
420
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:18,968
Trust me,
no one wants to hire a fat story editor.
421
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,762
All Miranda wanted to do
was rip that Knicks hat off his head,
422
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:26,642
because no self-respecting New Yorker
would ever spit out that good a steak.
423
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:27,935
Jesus fucking Christ!
424
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:29,603
Now I've lost my appetite.
425
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:34,650
Waking up
in Keith's sun-filled bedroom,
426
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,403
I was starting to feel like
3.4 million myself.
427
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,572
I really like
what you have going on down there.
428
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,575
-That would be a whole lot of nothing.
-Yeah.
429
00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,120
Don't you ever work?
430
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:47,663
I don't have anything till 11:00.
431
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,498
-Nice life.
-Yeah.
432
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,546
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
433
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,467
I told you, no prostitutes
when you're house sitting.
434
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:01,594
You're a house sitter?
435
00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,971
Personal assistant. Personal assistant.
436
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,598
I thought you were an agent.
437
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:08,267
Please, I wish I could get my agent
to water my plants.
438
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:11,312
Apparently,
the life I was coveting wasn't Keith's.
439
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,646
It was Carrie Fisher's.
440
00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:15,483
You are so fired.
Wait till I tell Penny.
441
00:21:15,566 --> 00:21:17,318
Does this mean that
I'm gonna have to return her car?
442
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,486
And Penny Marshall's.
443
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:19,987
I'm just... I'm gonna...
444
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,699
-You might need these.
-Thank you.
445
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:28,829
Are you going to bring prostitutes
to Ben's new $3-million home?
446
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,039
And Ben Affleck's.
447
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:33,542
You know, I'm not a prostitute.
I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
448
00:21:34,752 --> 00:21:36,712
I'm a writer, too. Well, actually, I'm--
449
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,089
Well, I have a column in New York.
450
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:41,425
I'm Carrie, you're Carrie.
451
00:21:41,509 --> 00:21:43,427
I write, you write.
452
00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:47,223
I have a child, you know, I really...
I can't do this.
453
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,559
Have you guys been smoking in here?
454
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:53,646
Um...
455
00:21:57,608 --> 00:21:58,734
This was always on.
456
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,947
The dry cleaning and the cat food,
that's all done.
457
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:07,701
It was the perfect ending
to my week of make-believe.
458
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:10,871
A visit to the Playboy Mansion,
and the Playmate pool party.
459
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,793
Okay, could our lives get any weirder?
460
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,461
Nothing surprises me anymore.
461
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:19,547
Apparently, in LA,
house sitters are somebodies,
462
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:21,674
and New York writers are prostitutes.
463
00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,093
Oh, sweetie,
you're at least a high-class escort.
464
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,095
-Thank you.
-Fuck Carrie Fisher!
465
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:28,097
-Oh, now we're angry again?
-Oh, yeah.
466
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,682
Well, frankly, I blame the wax.
467
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:32,059
-That's it, blame it on Rio.
-What?
468
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:37,857
After the sun went down,
the party really started heating up.
469
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:41,694
Where are the girls in the satin outfits
and the bunny ears?
470
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,363
Yeah, I want to see some bunny ears.
471
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:49,285
Goes far, flies near
To the stars away from here...
472
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:52,830
Meanwhile, somewhere between
the Italian grotto and the petting zoo,
473
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,665
Charlotte found something real.
474
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,000
His name was Ian.
475
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,835
And that's when I started
collecting Hockney.
476
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,920
I love Hockney!
477
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:03,632
Oh, the colors in his pool series
are so LA.
478
00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:06,218
The blues and those deep, deep greens.
479
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:10,639
Oh, God. It is such a pleasure talking
to an intelligent woman for once.
480
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,601
And I love talking to you, too.
481
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,478
It's so nice to be with a man who talks.
482
00:23:16,562 --> 00:23:17,855
I love LA!
483
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:21,692
I guess that third welcome-wagon drink
has finally kicked in.
484
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:26,155
This is bad of me.
485
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,407
Is this bad of me? I mean, I'm drunk,
486
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:30,910
and I'm laying here
with a man I hardly know.
487
00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:32,202
It's the Playboy Mansion.
488
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,038
I mean, things could be a lot worse.
489
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:39,293
You're nice, Ian.
You're really, really nice.
490
00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:40,920
And you're nice too, Charlotte.
491
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,341
Hey, let me buy you some boobs.
492
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:48,969
-Pardon me?
-What? It's a gift.
493
00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:51,221
I don't need any breasts!
494
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:56,352
Charlotte had forgotten
how awful single life could be.
495
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,812
And suddenly,
marriage, with all its problems,
496
00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:00,147
wasn't looking so bad.
497
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:06,153
Oh! Someone stole my fake Fendi!
498
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,072
-Are you sure?
-I put the bag down beside me,
499
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,657
when I got up it was gone.
500
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:14,119
Oh, my God. That bunny's got my bag.
501
00:24:20,626 --> 00:24:22,586
-All right, give me my bag.
-Excuse me?
502
00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:24,588
-You stole my bag.
-This is my bag.
503
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,466
-Are we having a problem here?
-Yes.
504
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,344
I'm sorry to tell you this,
but this bunny stole my bag.
505
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:31,679
It's my bag.
506
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:35,140
-She says it's her bag.
-Look on the inside.
507
00:24:35,224 --> 00:24:37,351
You'll see, there's a label that says
"Made in China"
508
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,978
and there's a bunch of condoms in there.
509
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,024
See? Fendi.
510
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,151
Samantha was mortified.
511
00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:48,320
She assumed
everything on the bunny was fake.
512
00:24:50,698 --> 00:24:52,449
Okay, then...
513
00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,118
Innocent mistake.
514
00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:58,497
Apparently, one nod from Hef
and the pool party was over.
515
00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:00,874
I'm not leaving without my friends.
516
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:02,501
I'm so sorry.
517
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:07,923
The fake Fendi ended up
costing $150 for the bag,
518
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:10,843
$2,000 in stolen credit card charges,
519
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:14,054
and unspecified costs to Samantha's ego.
520
00:25:15,806 --> 00:25:17,141
And across the compound,
521
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:20,561
Miranda and I took a wrong turn
on the way to the buffet.
522
00:25:27,735 --> 00:25:30,154
Look at that. Tit soup.
523
00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:33,157
It's time to go home.
524
00:25:33,991 --> 00:25:35,242
Oh, there you are.
525
00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:36,827
We have to leave.
526
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:38,078
We are.
527
00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:39,455
Right now.
528
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:42,416
Oh, relax, we're going, we're going.
529
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,752
-What'd she do?
- I don't know.
530
00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:48,839
What happened?
531
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:51,300
All right, all right.
532
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,430
The next day, four New Yorkers
left LA a little lighter.
533
00:25:56,513 --> 00:26:00,601
Some of us had lost our hair,
and all of us had lost a little dignity.
534
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:04,730
Samantha couldn't wait to get back
to the crime-free streets of Manhattan.
535
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:07,232
Miranda couldn't wait to get back
to men who swallowed.
536
00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:09,693
Charlotte couldn't wait
to get back to Trey.
537
00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:10,778
And as for me?
538
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:13,405
-I couldn't wait.
-You can't smoke in here.
539
00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:16,075
Oh, relax, we're going, we're going.
540
00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:28,504
Six hours later, I was home.
541
00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:31,590
And it looked even better on the inside
than I remembered it.
542
00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:35,260
Because inside, it was all real.
543
00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:42,810
I was starting to feel
like myself again.
544
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,107
And the rest of me
would grow back, eventually.