1 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,880 My friend Charlotte was dating Dr. Bram Walker... 2 00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:03,999 a very hard-working orthopedic surgeon. 3 00:01:05,792 --> 00:01:10,292 Bram? 4 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:11,959 What? 5 00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:13,632 Were you asleep? 6 00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:16,252 No, no, I was just resting my eyes. 7 00:01:16,583 --> 00:01:17,583 Oh, my God. 8 00:01:18,083 --> 00:01:20,633 Okay, I fell asleep for one second. 9 00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,381 Oh, oh, my God, I... 10 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:24,288 I've been up since five, I had three carpal tunnels. 11 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,825 It's very exhaustive reconstructive work. 12 00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:31,634 He fell asleep when he was making love to me. 13 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:32,960 -Oh. -He fell asleep! 14 00:01:33,041 --> 00:01:34,671 Sweetie, he was tired. 15 00:01:34,750 --> 00:01:37,080 This has nothing to do with you. 16 00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:39,753 Has a man ever fallen asleep making love to you? 17 00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:43,294 No, but I'm sure many of them wanted to. 18 00:01:43,375 --> 00:01:45,825 I can't believe this happened to me! 19 00:01:45,917 --> 00:01:47,667 You want some herb tea? How about some herb tea? 20 00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,710 I must be really bad in bed. 21 00:01:49,792 --> 00:01:51,502 You are not bad in bed. 22 00:01:51,583 --> 00:01:54,673 Okay, I've got, uh, Constant Comment and Tummy T-- 23 00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:56,580 Charlotte, honey, you want some Tummy Tamer? 24 00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:57,577 Of course it's her. 25 00:01:57,667 --> 00:01:58,577 And I have to say, 26 00:01:58,667 --> 00:01:59,577 I'm not surprised. 27 00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:01,377 Ever seen her on a StairMaster? 28 00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:03,248 Nothing happening below the waist. 29 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:04,423 Nada. No sale. 30 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,750 How can you say that? 31 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,714 Even if she was bad in bed, which she isn't, 32 00:02:08,792 --> 00:02:10,672 is it really that important? 33 00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:11,880 Absolutely. 34 00:02:11,959 --> 00:02:14,329 Who we are in bed, is who we are in life. 35 00:02:14,542 --> 00:02:16,582 I never met a man who was bad in bed 36 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:17,667 who was good at life. 37 00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:20,125 And just for the record, in bed, you are... 38 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,038 Don't make me state the obvious. 39 00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:24,173 How can you be so sure? 40 00:02:24,250 --> 00:02:27,960 Well, no one ever took a nap while fucking me and... 41 00:02:28,041 --> 00:02:29,961 I get affirmations all the time. 42 00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:31,291 Why, just last week... 43 00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:32,625 It seems, last week, 44 00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:33,959 Samantha was invited to dinner 45 00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:36,211 by a gay couple she'd known for years... 46 00:02:36,291 --> 00:02:37,791 David and David. 47 00:02:37,875 --> 00:02:39,745 Well, thanks for a lovely dinner. 48 00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,134 It was fun. 49 00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:44,248 Well, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive. 50 00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:45,625 What? 51 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:47,875 We were wondering if you were seeing anybody 52 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:48,959 special right now? 53 00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,880 Well, actually, no. 54 00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,000 Do you have a hot guy for me? 55 00:02:53,083 --> 00:02:54,583 -Hmm? 56 00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:55,884 Two. 57 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,500 -No! -Yes! 58 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,463 We want to have sex with a woman. 59 00:03:06,750 --> 00:03:07,960 Are you serious? 60 00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:09,291 Totally, I've always been curious 61 00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:10,375 what it would be like. 62 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,668 Neither one of us has ever done it 63 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,790 and we thought it might be fun. 64 00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:14,995 And then we were like, well, 65 00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:17,003 if we were gonna do it with a woman, 66 00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:17,883 who would it be? 67 00:03:17,959 --> 00:03:19,919 And then we were like, aw, 68 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,920 -Samantha. -Totally. 69 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,130 We decided of all the beautiful women we know, 70 00:03:25,208 --> 00:03:27,248 you were probably the best in bed. 71 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:28,673 Totally. 72 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,460 -Look at that! 73 00:03:31,750 --> 00:03:33,460 So I'm thinking about doing it. 74 00:03:33,542 --> 00:03:36,212 -They're cute, they're healthy. -They're gay! 75 00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:37,541 You know, for a sex columnist 76 00:03:37,625 --> 00:03:39,745 you have a very limited view of sexuality. 77 00:03:39,834 --> 00:03:41,334 Gay as pink suede. 78 00:03:41,417 --> 00:03:43,457 Wake up! It's 2000. 79 00:03:43,792 --> 00:03:45,962 The new millennium won't be about sexual labels, 80 00:03:46,041 --> 00:03:47,791 it'll be about sexual expression. 81 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:50,125 It won't matter if you're sleeping with men or women. 82 00:03:50,208 --> 00:03:52,538 It'll be about sleeping with individuals. 83 00:03:52,625 --> 00:03:54,495 Or in your case, twos or threes. 84 00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:56,753 Soon everyone will be pansexual. 85 00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:58,504 It won't matter if you're gay or straight. 86 00:03:58,959 --> 00:04:00,919 Just if you're good or bad in bed. 87 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,290 Exactly. 88 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:05,535 That night I got to thinking about bed. 89 00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:08,375 Are we secretly being graded every time we invite someone 90 00:04:08,458 --> 00:04:09,668 to join us in it? 91 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,000 A+, B, D, incomplete. 92 00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:16,333 Is making love really nothing more than a pop quiz? 93 00:04:16,417 --> 00:04:18,417 And if sex is a test, 94 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,000 how do we know if we're passing or failing? 95 00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:23,333 How do you know if you're good in bed? 96 00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,077 Later that week, I was walking home 97 00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,996 thinking about my own sexual report card when... 98 00:04:31,166 --> 00:04:32,206 Ow! 99 00:04:32,291 --> 00:04:34,081 God! What the hell was-- 100 00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:35,326 -I am-- -What was that? 101 00:04:35,417 --> 00:04:37,247 Christ, I'm sorry. I-- I didn't see you. 102 00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:38,923 I just threw my cigarette. 103 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,710 I thought I was stung by a bee. 104 00:04:40,792 --> 00:04:41,582 Jesus! 105 00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:42,537 I-- I'm sorry. 106 00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,165 I did-- Did it leave a mark? 107 00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:46,419 You can't smoke in the restaurant. 108 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,670 You know, I'm a smoker. 109 00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:49,330 Yeah, I'm a smoker too, but come on, pally, 110 00:04:49,417 --> 00:04:51,667 watch where you throw those things, huh? 111 00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:55,376 No, it didn't leave a mark. 112 00:04:55,458 --> 00:04:58,208 As the pain subsided, my mind was free to notice 113 00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,541 how incredibly cute this guy was. 114 00:05:00,625 --> 00:05:01,875 Look, I am sorry. 115 00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:04,040 My name's Patrick. Patrick Casey. 116 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:06,248 Carrie Bradshaw, burn victim. 117 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,463 How-- how weird was that? 118 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,752 I mean, that was-- that was intense. 119 00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:11,044 But you-- you gotta admit, 120 00:05:11,125 --> 00:05:13,375 it's a pretty clever way to meet the ladies. 121 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,288 Oh, so you got a little comedy routine 122 00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:16,575 going there, huh, Patrick? 123 00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:17,877 A little bit. 124 00:05:18,208 --> 00:05:20,038 But listen, I-- I really feel bad. 125 00:05:20,125 --> 00:05:22,455 So at least let me buy you a cup of coffee 126 00:05:22,542 --> 00:05:24,082 or some burn salve? 127 00:05:24,417 --> 00:05:25,497 Not funny yet. 128 00:05:25,583 --> 00:05:27,543 Sorry. -But it might be... 129 00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:29,165 after a cappuccino. 130 00:05:29,458 --> 00:05:31,668 There's a place right around the corner. 131 00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,205 We can smoke there. 132 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,881 Three Marlboros and two Marlboro Lights later, 133 00:05:35,959 --> 00:05:38,169 I had learned that Patrick was a composer 134 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:39,920 who wrote music for the movies. 135 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,670 So what type of movies do you compose for? 136 00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,170 Really bad ones. 137 00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:45,830 You know, 138 00:05:45,917 --> 00:05:48,497 "I Screamed When I Knew What You Did Last Summer On Elm Street," type. 139 00:05:48,709 --> 00:05:51,579 Well, as long as you're challenged by what you do. 140 00:05:52,458 --> 00:05:54,168 Oh, damn it! 141 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:57,630 Patrick Casey, whoever you are. 142 00:05:57,709 --> 00:05:59,169 I'm late. I have to go. 143 00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:00,330 Aww. 144 00:06:00,417 --> 00:06:01,707 Thank you for the coffee. 145 00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:06,132 And maybe one day you'll give me scar tissue again. 146 00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:08,128 You're great. 147 00:06:08,709 --> 00:06:10,629 Thanks. 148 00:06:10,709 --> 00:06:12,999 As I walked away, I started to think. 149 00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,043 How many cute, smart, single smokers 150 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,535 are there left in the world? 151 00:06:16,625 --> 00:06:18,165 Seven? 152 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:21,540 I decided to do something I almost never do... 153 00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:23,625 give a man my phone number. 154 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:28,127 Hi. This whole burn lawsuit I plan to initiate, 155 00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:30,043 it might get a little crazy. 156 00:06:30,125 --> 00:06:31,325 So here is... 157 00:06:33,041 --> 00:06:34,081 my phone number. 158 00:06:34,166 --> 00:06:35,746 You'll need that for your attorney... 159 00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:39,464 Or if you want to have coffee again some time. 160 00:06:39,542 --> 00:06:40,882 I left feeling great. 161 00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:42,789 It was such a cute approach. 162 00:06:42,875 --> 00:06:44,205 How could he not call? 163 00:06:44,291 --> 00:06:45,751 Come on, how could he not call? 164 00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:47,174 It's been three days. 165 00:06:47,583 --> 00:06:49,583 Give him 12 more hours and then send him off 166 00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:51,247 to the island of lost men. 167 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,673 Well, I don't wanna send him there, I like him. 168 00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:55,670 Could you believe that someone actually had the nerve 169 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,290 to call this color Florentine peach? 170 00:06:58,375 --> 00:06:59,375 I can't believe you had the nerve 171 00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:00,918 to spend this much on sheets. 172 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,380 It's an experiment. 173 00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:04,325 I'm trying to change my bed Karma. 174 00:07:04,417 --> 00:07:08,417 I figure if I can make my bed a place I really want to be... 175 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,920 others will feel the same way. 176 00:07:10,166 --> 00:07:12,246 Ah! The field of dreams. 177 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:15,423 Exactly. If you build it, he will come. 178 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,040 The thing that gets me is I'm not usually wrong 179 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,075 about the phone-number-size-up. 180 00:07:20,166 --> 00:07:21,416 I don't put it out there 181 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,170 unless I'm pretty damn sure it's coming back. 182 00:07:23,250 --> 00:07:27,750 I'm either really loving or hating the color. 183 00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:28,794 He thinks I'm ugly. 184 00:07:28,875 --> 00:07:31,745 Oh, my God... get a grip. 185 00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:35,285 A guy doesn't call you for three days and you're ugly? 186 00:07:35,375 --> 00:07:36,415 What's your point? 187 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:37,500 Pillowcase. 188 00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,752 It's amazing. 189 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,294 We can feel totally good about ourselves, 190 00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:43,995 and then it all goes out the window 191 00:07:44,083 --> 00:07:46,673 if the guy doesn't mirror that right back to us. 192 00:07:46,750 --> 00:07:50,250 This has a little weird thing here. 193 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:51,463 Damnit. 194 00:07:51,542 --> 00:07:52,962 Does everything I bring into this bedroom 195 00:07:53,041 --> 00:07:54,291 have to have a flaw? 196 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:55,455 Ha, ha! 197 00:07:58,041 --> 00:07:59,291 The next day I was in the village 198 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,325 looking for the perfect $7 vintage dress 199 00:08:01,417 --> 00:08:04,077 to go with my $300 shoes, when... 200 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,130 I had a choice. 201 00:08:06,208 --> 00:08:07,628 I could turn around and run away, 202 00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:10,829 or I could smile, be brave, and walk on over. 203 00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:15,625 Hey, hi. 204 00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,669 So what, Saturday's the day you stand on the street 205 00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,170 and smoke in the village? 206 00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:22,996 Hi, I'm Carrie. 207 00:08:23,083 --> 00:08:24,673 We're kind of in the middle of something. 208 00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:26,880 Oh, right, sure, sure, right. 209 00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:28,539 Uh, okay, bye. 210 00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:30,035 I was just on my way to Perry street. 211 00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:31,245 This is Perry street. 212 00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:34,213 Bleecker. Bleecker, I meant Bleecker. 213 00:08:34,542 --> 00:08:37,082 Okay, bye. And goodbye to you, too. 214 00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:42,380 Carrie! 215 00:08:44,125 --> 00:08:45,625 Listen, let me explain. I-- 216 00:08:45,709 --> 00:08:47,169 No, no, no, I'm embarrassed. 217 00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:49,540 You know, you're obviously, you're in the middle of a thing 218 00:08:49,625 --> 00:08:50,875 with your lover or whoever, 219 00:08:50,959 --> 00:08:52,879 -and I'm standing there all-- -No, no, no, I-- 220 00:08:53,083 --> 00:08:54,253 I'm not gay. 221 00:08:55,417 --> 00:08:56,707 I'm an alcoholic. 222 00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,173 We were just waiting for a meeting to start. 223 00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:00,830 and I wanted to introduce you, 224 00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:03,247 but it's supposed to be anonymous, so... 225 00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,713 Well, you know, I-- I really wasn't getting the gay vibe from you, 226 00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:09,712 it's just, uh, he was so cute and-- and-- 227 00:09:09,792 --> 00:09:11,882 -I never called. -Right. 228 00:09:11,959 --> 00:09:13,039 I was freaked. 229 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,880 You know, I've only been in the program 11 months 230 00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,709 and my sponsor said I really shouldn't get involved 231 00:09:16,792 --> 00:09:19,132 with someone for a year, and... 232 00:09:20,041 --> 00:09:21,251 So... 233 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:22,830 Well, okay. 234 00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:24,417 So, maybe you'll call me in a month. 235 00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:26,829 It doesn't bother you that I'm an alcoholic? 236 00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,423 No, God, no. 237 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,630 No, I love alcoholics. 238 00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:31,629 Hell, I hope to be one someday. 239 00:09:32,875 --> 00:09:33,915 That was a joke. 240 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,460 That's not funny, yet. 241 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,832 But it might be after a cappuccino. 242 00:09:38,250 --> 00:09:39,380 You know, what the fuck... 243 00:09:39,458 --> 00:09:40,668 It's only a couple of weeks. 244 00:09:40,750 --> 00:09:43,040 Would you like to go out on a date sometime? 245 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,705 I can't think why not. 246 00:09:45,792 --> 00:09:46,962 You call me. 247 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,080 So I accepted his kind invitation. 248 00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:51,746 Because when you think about it, 249 00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:53,924 aren't we all in recovery from something? 250 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,880 Drinking? Drugging? 251 00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:58,499 Our last relationship? 252 00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:01,463 On our first date, Patrick and I went for coffee. 253 00:10:01,542 --> 00:10:03,172 Hey, I'm really compulsive. 254 00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:06,830 If I open up a bag of Chips Ahoy, I-- I gotta eat the whole thing. 255 00:10:06,917 --> 00:10:08,997 I'm like that with Reese's Pieces. 256 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:10,583 Reese's Pieces and shoes. 257 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:14,127 Wouldn't the shoes be a little tough on digestion? 258 00:10:15,375 --> 00:10:17,955 Well, this is me. 259 00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:22,423 Thank you, Mr. Casey, I had a great time. 260 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:26,420 Oh, no, Miss Burn Victim, I had the great time. 261 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,380 Then, I gave him my very best 262 00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:31,668 lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move. 263 00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:42,167 Well, that was... 264 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,500 Our next date, over dinner, 265 00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:45,963 he told me about working his 12 steps. 266 00:10:46,041 --> 00:10:48,461 And after dinner, I stood on my third step 267 00:10:48,542 --> 00:10:49,712 trying to work him. 268 00:10:49,792 --> 00:10:51,882 That smell is amazing. What is that? 269 00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:54,035 Me. 270 00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,754 I'll, uh, call you. 271 00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:01,544 I couldn't figure it out. 272 00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,325 I knew he wanted me because during my 273 00:11:09,417 --> 00:11:11,077 lean-in-and-kiss-me goodnight move, 274 00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:14,456 I'd accidentally on purpose felt his pop-up and say hello. 275 00:11:14,542 --> 00:11:17,332 So what was going on? 276 00:11:17,417 --> 00:11:19,667 By the third date I wanted him even more 277 00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:22,080 than a fistful of Reese's Pieces. 278 00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,830 Well, then, goodnight. 279 00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:31,037 That was that. I'd hit my humiliation limit. 280 00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,625 And then I thought, 281 00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:35,459 how many cute, smart, sexy, single, smoking alcoholics 282 00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,132 are there left in the world? 283 00:11:37,208 --> 00:11:38,248 Five? 284 00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:53,334 Do you want to come up? 285 00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:54,582 Yeah. 286 00:11:55,208 --> 00:11:56,538 But you see, the thing is... 287 00:11:56,625 --> 00:11:59,205 I-- I've never had sex sober. 288 00:11:59,542 --> 00:12:01,752 I've always been drunk or high. 289 00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:03,833 I don't know if I'll be any good. 290 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,788 Oh, what the hell. 291 00:12:07,375 --> 00:12:09,285 Let's take it one step at a time. 292 00:12:13,959 --> 00:12:16,289 Oh! Oh! 293 00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:17,792 Ahhhh! 294 00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:21,129 Oh! Woo! 295 00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:24,078 Oh, sex... 296 00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:26,078 is amazing. 297 00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:29,633 It feels so fucking amazing. 298 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,455 Do other people know about this? 299 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,752 I mean... whoa! 300 00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:34,754 Yeah! 301 00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:37,134 All right! I did it! 302 00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:38,788 Sex without beer! 303 00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:39,785 Yeah! 304 00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:41,205 Woo-hoo! 305 00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:44,503 Easy, cowboy. 306 00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:45,670 You! 307 00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:47,330 What about you! 308 00:12:47,417 --> 00:12:48,877 You are the best. 309 00:12:48,959 --> 00:12:50,669 Well, you weren't half bad yourself. 310 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:51,580 No! 311 00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:52,997 You are the best. 312 00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,747 You're the best. 313 00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:56,464 I aim to please. 314 00:12:58,458 --> 00:13:01,498 After we have a cigarette, 315 00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:06,580 can we do it again? 316 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,580 I'm gonna have a Spanish omelet, 317 00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,037 hash browns, some more coffee, 318 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,455 and orange juice. 319 00:13:14,542 --> 00:13:17,922 Oh, and, um, can I have some rice pudding for later? 320 00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:19,330 Thanks. 321 00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,039 Storing up for winter? 322 00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:22,625 No, I'm starving. 323 00:13:22,709 --> 00:13:24,959 Patrick and I... all last night 324 00:13:25,041 --> 00:13:26,041 and I'm just-- 325 00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,127 No, don't stop, it's okay. 326 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,828 I mean, just because I'm bad in bed 327 00:13:29,917 --> 00:13:31,627 doesn't mean everybody has to be. 328 00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:33,419 Okay, one more time. 329 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,920 -You are not bad in bed. -Oh, really? 330 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,710 Has a man ever fallen asleep making love to you? 331 00:13:38,792 --> 00:13:41,882 No, but I once fell asleep when a guy was doing me. 332 00:13:41,959 --> 00:13:42,959 It was the ludes. 333 00:13:43,041 --> 00:13:44,081 It's okay. 334 00:13:44,166 --> 00:13:46,206 I'm mature enough to realize that 335 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:47,631 while I may be good at some things, 336 00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:50,129 like accessories... 337 00:13:50,208 --> 00:13:53,378 that I might need help in others like... 338 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:54,753 Fucking? 339 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,134 Making love. 340 00:13:56,583 --> 00:13:57,673 So... 341 00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,170 I'm taking a class. 342 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,830 A fucking class? 343 00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:04,537 -No, a Tantric sex workshop. 344 00:14:04,625 --> 00:14:06,625 Well, just don't drink any suspicious Kool-Aid 345 00:14:06,709 --> 00:14:07,669 or put on new Nikes. 346 00:14:07,750 --> 00:14:09,250 Oh, it's not like that. 347 00:14:09,333 --> 00:14:12,253 It's taught by this very well respected woman psychologist. 348 00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:15,043 It's called, "How to Please a Man." 349 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,285 I know how to please a man. 350 00:14:16,375 --> 00:14:17,995 You just give away most of your power. 351 00:14:19,208 --> 00:14:21,208 Look, I have a trainer for the gym. 352 00:14:21,291 --> 00:14:22,711 I can have a trainer for... 353 00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:23,792 Fucking? 354 00:14:24,041 --> 00:14:25,421 Please stop saying that. 355 00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:28,424 Are you-- are you actually going to do this? 356 00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:29,463 Yep. 357 00:14:29,542 --> 00:14:31,792 And, uh, seating was limited, 358 00:14:31,875 --> 00:14:33,035 so I signed you guys up. 359 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,500 -Please, please? -I-- I... 360 00:14:36,583 --> 00:14:37,713 I can't go alone. 361 00:14:37,792 --> 00:14:39,712 And if Bram ever falls asleep on me again, 362 00:14:39,792 --> 00:14:40,752 I will die. 363 00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,334 Please, pretty please, 364 00:14:42,417 --> 00:14:43,707 pretty please with sugar on it? 365 00:14:43,792 --> 00:14:44,882 Christ, I'm in. 366 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,880 What the hell, I don't exactly have them hanging from the rafters. 367 00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,628 "How to Please a Man." 368 00:14:50,709 --> 00:14:53,169 I could teach the damn class. 369 00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:57,131 All right. 370 00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,207 That night, while David and David got undressed 371 00:15:04,291 --> 00:15:06,041 and waited for her in the bedroom, 372 00:15:06,125 --> 00:15:07,325 Samantha began to wonder 373 00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:10,037 if maybe she was about to go too far. 374 00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:13,625 Was she actually capable of being this sexually free? 375 00:15:13,709 --> 00:15:16,209 Or was she getting in over her head? 376 00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:17,921 She decided, before there were any regrets, 377 00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,791 they should all talk about it a little more. 378 00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:24,997 Listen, David and David, maybe... 379 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,375 You look amazing. 380 00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:29,918 -Just like Jean Harlow in Red Dust . 381 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,500 Samantha loved the Samantha mirrored at her through the eyes of the David's. 382 00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,253 -What the hell? 383 00:15:44,750 --> 00:16:07,000 Oh! 384 00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:19,463 They're so soft. 385 00:16:19,542 --> 00:16:21,002 I know. 386 00:16:35,208 --> 00:16:37,378 I can't do this. 387 00:16:37,583 --> 00:16:38,883 Neither can I. 388 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,495 But I-- 389 00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,673 We're just getting start-- 390 00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:47,960 No. Can't. I'm sorry. 391 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:48,961 Sorry. 392 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,581 It's very pretty, but... 393 00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:52,133 no. 394 00:16:52,208 --> 00:16:54,248 It's not you. It's us. 395 00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:55,673 I have an idea. 396 00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:58,380 Let's all put on our clothes and go out for gelati! 397 00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,748 -Cheesecake. -Whatever. 398 00:17:03,417 --> 00:17:05,417 Suddenly, Samantha wasn't feeling so good 399 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:06,920 about herself in bed. 400 00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:12,463 Oh, yikes. 401 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:17,206 I gotta go or I'm going to be late for the Tantric Workshop thing. 402 00:17:17,291 --> 00:17:21,171 Oh, baby, you don't need a workshop. 403 00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,040 Mmm, you are amazing. 404 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:26,375 Now, come on. Come on. One more time. 405 00:17:26,792 --> 00:17:28,792 We did it last night and all this morning. 406 00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:31,955 I could have sex with you morning, noon, and night. Now, come on. 407 00:17:32,041 --> 00:17:33,711 That's when I realized it. 408 00:17:33,792 --> 00:17:36,212 Mr. Compulsive wasn't in bed with me... 409 00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:37,711 More, come on. 410 00:17:37,792 --> 00:17:40,382 He was in bed with a big bag of Chips Ahoy. 411 00:17:40,458 --> 00:17:41,498 More. 412 00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:44,535 The intent of Tantric, 413 00:17:44,625 --> 00:17:47,955 "Sacred sexuality," 414 00:17:48,041 --> 00:17:52,001 is to experience and merge with the divine. 415 00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:54,133 I think Patrick's addicted to me. 416 00:17:54,709 --> 00:17:57,039 It's like he's replaced drinking with me. 417 00:17:57,125 --> 00:17:58,915 Yeah, "Program guys" are tough. 418 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,210 I dated a guy who was in Overeaters Anonymous. 419 00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:02,541 And every time we had a fight, 420 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:04,375 he'd binge eat hot fudge sundaes. 421 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:05,708 Shh. 422 00:18:05,792 --> 00:18:07,382 In other words, ladies, 423 00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:10,458 to drive your man crazy. 424 00:18:10,542 --> 00:18:12,502 He wants to have sex all the time. 425 00:18:12,583 --> 00:18:14,333 It's getting a little out of hand. 426 00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:16,417 Well, at least he wants to fuck you. 427 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:18,080 They were gay. 428 00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:18,996 So? 429 00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,173 One minute they were interested 430 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:22,170 and then, suddenly they weren't. 431 00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,537 What did I do to turn them off? 432 00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:27,788 Not having a dick would be the thing that you did 433 00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:29,035 -to turn them off. 434 00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:31,165 You guys, I'm serious. This is rude. 435 00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:36,290 And use it to bring any man to his knees 436 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:37,880 with love, of course. 437 00:18:38,166 --> 00:18:40,576 Where was this bitch last night when I needed her? 438 00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,917 Shh. Shh! Be quiet and you might learn something. 439 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,040 This lady is supposed to be a genius. 440 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,290 If she's so good, 441 00:18:47,375 --> 00:18:50,285 why is she having this workshop in her apartment? 442 00:18:50,375 --> 00:18:51,575 I don't know. 443 00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:54,747 Tantric sex is not about talk, 444 00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,379 it's about action. 445 00:18:57,291 --> 00:18:59,671 Delayed action. 446 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,130 So... 447 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,418 without further "delay," 448 00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:08,751 let me introduce my husband... 449 00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:13,214 Dr. Ronny Shapiro. 450 00:19:14,041 --> 00:19:16,541 I will demonstrate 451 00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:21,415 the very effective lingam massage. 452 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:25,580 I think I know why we're in an apartment. 453 00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:33,790 The receiver lies on his back before the giver, naked. 454 00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:38,786 Genitals clearly exposed for the massage. 455 00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:40,375 You're not writing. 456 00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:45,000 Take your time doing this... 457 00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:46,463 An hour and a half later, 458 00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:47,712 crippled by our inability 459 00:19:47,792 --> 00:19:49,332 to look away from a car crash, 460 00:19:49,417 --> 00:19:53,497 we watched as the Dr. Shapiro illustrated Tantric sex. 461 00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:56,833 Massage the head of the lingam 462 00:19:56,917 --> 00:19:59,917 as if you are using an orange juicer. 463 00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,995 Well, there go my good feelings about breakfast. 464 00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:06,293 Stop it! You're embarrassing me. 465 00:20:06,375 --> 00:20:08,575 Oh, we're the embarrassing part? 466 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:13,035 Now, place your right hand 467 00:20:13,125 --> 00:20:16,535 on the receiver's root chakra. 468 00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:18,125 -Root! 469 00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:21,248 The root chakra is located between 470 00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:23,753 the anus and the genitals. 471 00:20:24,125 --> 00:20:26,915 Well, I think that I just got my 50 bucks worth, so... 472 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:33,040 Gently rock your hand to awaken this chakra. 473 00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:36,380 Clinically referred to as perineum. 474 00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:39,498 Perineum, Not without an engagement ring. 475 00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:41,882 Will the women who are laughing 476 00:20:41,959 --> 00:20:43,709 compose themselves? 477 00:20:43,792 --> 00:20:45,252 -Thank you. 478 00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:49,877 Orgasm is not the goal of lingam massage, 479 00:20:49,959 --> 00:20:55,329 but can be a pleasant and very welcome side effect. 480 00:20:55,917 --> 00:20:59,327 Watch what I'm doing here. 481 00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:03,127 If you can master this, 482 00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:06,168 your man will always be faithful. 483 00:21:06,417 --> 00:21:13,327 Because once they go Tantric, they don't go back. 484 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,210 You go, girl. 485 00:21:17,166 --> 00:21:20,496 See that, can you all see this? 486 00:21:23,709 --> 00:21:24,999 Oh, my God! 487 00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,957 He's gonna-- 488 00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:32,575 Oh, God. 489 00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:36,327 And just like that, Miranda got hit by old faithful. 490 00:21:36,542 --> 00:21:38,332 -Oh! 491 00:21:38,417 --> 00:21:39,917 What's funny? 492 00:21:46,166 --> 00:21:48,916 That night, after we talked Miranda in from the ledge, 493 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,580 I met Patrick for a movie. 494 00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:54,127 So I was telling my sponsor today how I felt about you, 495 00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:55,788 and suddenly I realized, 496 00:21:55,875 --> 00:21:58,455 duh, maybe I should just tell you. 497 00:21:58,542 --> 00:21:59,292 Oh. 498 00:21:59,375 --> 00:22:03,125 Carrie... I love you. 499 00:22:03,208 --> 00:22:04,628 There it was... 500 00:22:04,709 --> 00:22:06,919 the little phrase every girl is dying to hear 501 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,250 a week and a half into a relationship. 502 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:10,880 Oh, wow. 503 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,380 Well, thanks and that's, uh, so... 504 00:22:15,875 --> 00:22:17,165 -Wow. -What? 505 00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,170 Too soon. Is that what you're thinking? 506 00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:22,500 Well, we have been going out like a minute. 507 00:22:22,583 --> 00:22:24,583 Oh, fuck that shit. I don't want to play games. 508 00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:27,127 I'm just trying to own my feelings. 509 00:22:28,291 --> 00:22:30,881 I-- I love you. I said it. 510 00:22:31,375 --> 00:22:34,455 Mr. Casey, you do not love me... 511 00:22:34,959 --> 00:22:37,749 You love you not drinking with me. 512 00:22:37,834 --> 00:22:39,924 No, I love you. 513 00:22:41,917 --> 00:22:43,037 Okay, look... 514 00:22:43,959 --> 00:22:47,829 Gosh, I am, I-- it's-- I'm so flattered, 515 00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:49,580 but I just think maybe we should, 516 00:22:49,667 --> 00:22:51,457 we should slow down a little here. 517 00:22:51,542 --> 00:22:52,962 -What does that mean? 518 00:22:53,041 --> 00:22:55,331 It just-- it means that, you know, it's-- 519 00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,877 things are going very fast, and I just, 520 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,750 it-- you know, you have all these new feelings. 521 00:22:58,834 --> 00:23:00,294 -'Cause you're not drinking-- -No, no, no. 522 00:23:00,375 --> 00:23:02,745 Don't give me that program bullshit. 523 00:23:03,291 --> 00:23:05,291 This has nothing to do with drinking. 524 00:23:07,709 --> 00:23:09,079 I love you. 525 00:23:10,208 --> 00:23:13,078 Maybe we should spend a little time apart. 526 00:23:14,291 --> 00:23:15,831 I'll call you tomorrow. 527 00:23:16,417 --> 00:23:17,707 I'm not coming up? 528 00:23:17,792 --> 00:23:18,922 Just a couple nights. 529 00:23:20,291 --> 00:23:22,541 Are you breaking up with me? 'Cause if you break up-- 530 00:23:22,625 --> 00:23:24,705 Patrick, I'm not, I'm not breaking up with you. 531 00:23:24,792 --> 00:23:26,632 I'm just going inside. 532 00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:29,000 So call me tomorrow. 533 00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:31,461 We'll do something next week, okay? 534 00:23:33,041 --> 00:23:34,961 What, what am I gonna do now? 535 00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,710 Well, you should go to a meeting. 536 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:41,333 And then you go home and call me tomorrow. 537 00:23:43,333 --> 00:23:44,833 Okay? Goodnight. 538 00:23:45,875 --> 00:23:47,495 I'll see you next week. 539 00:23:50,041 --> 00:23:51,331 Go. 540 00:23:58,875 --> 00:24:00,495 Get yourself some cookies. 541 00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:08,125 Meanwhile, across town at Charlotte's... 542 00:24:08,208 --> 00:24:10,128 Oh, my God, Charlotte, what are you doing? 543 00:24:10,208 --> 00:24:12,578 Oh. Oh, God. 544 00:24:12,667 --> 00:24:13,877 Oh! Mmm. 545 00:24:13,959 --> 00:24:15,829 Oh, Charlotte, you are good. 546 00:24:15,917 --> 00:24:18,377 Sweet Christ. You are good. 547 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:20,830 Charlotte considered it 548 00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:23,917 the best 50 bucks she'd ever spent. 549 00:24:27,208 --> 00:24:28,708 It cost Miranda a little more, 550 00:24:28,792 --> 00:24:31,882 but across town in her bed, things were good as well. 551 00:24:45,542 --> 00:24:58,382 Carrie! 552 00:24:58,834 --> 00:25:00,464 Patrick, what are you doing? 553 00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:03,792 Huh? You, you bitch! 554 00:25:03,875 --> 00:25:04,785 Shit! 555 00:25:04,875 --> 00:25:06,375 I loved you. 556 00:25:07,041 --> 00:25:08,831 And you didn't love me. 557 00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:12,963 You fucking made me date you before the month. 558 00:25:13,959 --> 00:25:15,709 And now I'm drunk. 559 00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:18,292 -Shh! -And I don't care! 560 00:25:19,083 --> 00:25:21,133 -Carrie! 561 00:25:21,417 --> 00:25:23,707 I love you, Carrie! 562 00:25:23,959 --> 00:25:25,499 I love you! 563 00:25:25,583 --> 00:25:27,463 Make love to me! 564 00:25:28,667 --> 00:25:29,667 What are you doing? 565 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,790 God, don't take your clothes off. 566 00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:35,495 My first impulse was to go down and rescue him, 567 00:25:35,583 --> 00:25:37,173 but as I learned on our second date, 568 00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:39,080 that would be codependent. 569 00:25:39,166 --> 00:25:41,706 Still, I felt I had to do something. 570 00:25:42,709 --> 00:25:45,789 Here, put this on, you'll get a cold. 571 00:25:45,875 --> 00:25:49,415 I hope I fucking die! 572 00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:50,960 Quiet, asshole, I'll call the cops! 573 00:25:51,041 --> 00:25:53,921 Oh, shut the fuck up, dick weed! 574 00:25:55,083 --> 00:25:56,423 Carrie! 575 00:25:57,041 --> 00:26:00,381 You were the best fuck I ever had! 576 00:26:00,458 --> 00:26:02,918 Three weeks later, I got a letter from Patrick, 577 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,330 saying he was back in the program 578 00:26:04,417 --> 00:26:06,127 and wanted to make amends. 579 00:26:06,208 --> 00:26:08,628 I never saw him again, but I always wondered two things... 580 00:26:08,709 --> 00:26:09,629 Carrie! 581 00:26:09,709 --> 00:26:11,289 Was he able to stay sober? 582 00:26:11,375 --> 00:26:13,665 Am I really that good in bed?