1 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,218 Once upon a time... 2 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,513 in a kingdom far away... 3 00:00:56,807 --> 00:01:00,602 a certain man and a slightly less certain woman 4 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,771 kept bumping into one another. 5 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,608 They seemed to meet everywhere. 6 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,113 On street corners. 7 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:15,242 At parties. 8 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,996 It was almost as if they were dating accidentally. 9 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,915 And then, after another chance meeting, 10 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,710 at a wealthy lawyer's new son's bris... 11 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:31,550 They decided to pick a time to bump into each other on purpose. 12 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:37,889 Saturday, 10:30. The hottest new restaurant in Manhattan. 13 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,602 Samantha's PR Firm was handling the opening. 14 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,271 - Hi! -Hey. 15 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:45,439 Hi. 16 00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:47,733 So, isn't Brian great? 17 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:51,236 Charlotte had a new boyfriend. He had her big three. 18 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,530 Looks, manners, money. 19 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,825 Did I tell you he wants to buy a painting from my gallery? 20 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:59,494 Love and a commission. She couldn't have been happier. 21 00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,913 -All right. It's official. He's late. -Who? 22 00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,707 Mr. Big, who else? 23 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,251 Carrie, that's great. Is it a date? 24 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,837 He called it a thing. He said, "Meet me... 25 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,672 Meet me for a drink thing." 26 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:13,675 -He never used the "D" word. -Well, "thing" is good. 27 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:16,386 -I mean, "thing" comes before date. - Let's hope so. 28 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,138 -All right, I'm gonna go in. -Okay. 29 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,891 - See you in there. -Where did Skipper go? 30 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,226 I don't know how you can date that younger guy. 31 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,895 I mean, they're so scattered and unfocused. 32 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:25,854 We're not dating. 33 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,189 It's a "fuck" thing. 34 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,317 Girls, isn't this fun? 35 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:34,321 I've turned away 20 so far. People are actually crying. 36 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,374 Oh, something came up. He's not gonna meet me. 37 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,585 Here, will you listen to this and tell me if you can figure out 38 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:52,047 whether he's not meeting me as a date or not meeting me as a friend. 39 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,131 All right. 40 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,051 Sometimes you need a second opinion 41 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,762 with doctors, real estate, men. 42 00:02:58,845 --> 00:02:59,846 Well? 43 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,890 I have no idea. 44 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:05,185 And I finished first in my litigation class. 45 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:11,066 How pathetic do I feel asking you if a guy kind of likes me? 46 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,402 There you are. 47 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:14,736 -Hey. -Hey. 48 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:15,862 Hi. 49 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:18,323 Carrie, Miranda, 50 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:21,618 this is the hottest chef in New York, Jon. 51 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:25,622 Jon. J-O-N. No "H, " no last name. 52 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,250 His blue crab strudel was so fabulous, he didn't need one. 53 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,086 And this is his very cute friend, Sam. 54 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,129 Hey! 55 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,506 Sam? Who's named Sam? 56 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:37,050 Me. Can I get you a drink? 57 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:39,136 Oh, good luck. The bar is packed. 58 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,805 No problem, 'cause the bartender's a buddy of mine. 59 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,724 -Miranda? - Martini. 60 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,933 Twenty-something guys 61 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:47,644 always know the really important "B" people. 62 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,856 Busboys, bouncers. 63 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,691 Plus, they have cute butts. 64 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:53,734 Mmm. 65 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,528 That's the Times critic. I'd better go. 66 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,170 Did I mention I'm sleeping with him? 67 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,550 Skipper! 68 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,929 He's lost. We gotta get him. 69 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:26,725 They stopped making martinis, 70 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,685 so I got us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay? 71 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,313 Well, I hate rum and I hate Coke. 72 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,815 -But thanks. - Martinis, ladies. 73 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:37,277 -Wow. Look at you. -I was a waiter at TGIF. 74 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:38,987 Fabulous. 75 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:42,991 -Hey. -Hey. 76 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,785 -Sam. -Skipper. 77 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:45,994 -Hey. -Hey. 78 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,163 They liked each other immediately. 79 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,290 You wanna see something? 80 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,047 Can you narrow that down a little bit? 81 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:00,717 Wait, I didn't even... 82 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,971 No fair. Do it over. Let me see. 83 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,476 -Hey! -Hey. 84 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,521 -It's you. -I've been looking all over for you. 85 00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:15,273 Here you are, holding a tongue. 86 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,692 Well, your message said you weren't coming. 87 00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:19,736 I thought I said I'd try to make it for an hour. 88 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,613 Well, yeah, but then you said that... 89 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:24,533 -What did I say? -Never mind. Never mind. 90 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,326 You're here, you have an hour. Let's have a drink. 91 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,829 Well, I was outside trying to get in for 30 minutes, 92 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,330 inside looking for you for 20 minutes, 93 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:35,001 so that leaves me with just enough time to tell you that I'm out of time. 94 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,212 You have fun. 95 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,756 Men in their 40s are like the New York Times 96 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,091 Sunday crossword puzzle. 97 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,425 Tricky, complicated, 98 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:45,303 and you're never really sure you've got the right answer. 99 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,680 This place is tired. 100 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,226 -Do you want to get out of here? -Sure. 101 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,064 Why not? 102 00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,650 A short cab ride later, 103 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,027 Samantha, Jon "no H", Sam and I 104 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,405 found ourselves at the nearby twenty-something club. 105 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,576 I can't believe you made Jon leave his own opening. 106 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:11,329 He is way too happening to be seen some place borderline tired. 107 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:16,126 It was a tough town. Hot places had the life span of a medfly. 108 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:19,713 Samantha, everybody in here is in their 20s. 109 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,756 And so are we. 110 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,594 As I glanced around the room, I was amazed at the wide variety 111 00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,762 of great 20-something guys. 112 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,140 The groovy guy. 113 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,517 The corporate guy. 114 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,186 The jock guy. 115 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,647 The underage guy. 116 00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:43,737 Oh, there you are. 117 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,363 How are you? 118 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,075 -I see you found us. -Big couch. 119 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,744 Oh, here. 120 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,123 Oh. Ooh! 121 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,587 That'll work. 122 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,965 I'm not too heavy, I don't weigh too much? 123 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,842 Right. You weigh, like, nothing. 124 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,136 What's cuter than that? 125 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,640 As we took a swig from our pony-necked beers, 126 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,309 I remembered another type of 20-something guy. 127 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:18,063 So, what's it like to kiss with that thing in? 128 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,566 You wanna find out? 129 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,614 The really good kisser guy. 130 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:42,712 Hello? 131 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,382 - I am so fucked. -What's wrong? 132 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,133 No, I mean, literally. 133 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,844 I have been fucked every way you can be fucked. 134 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,306 If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna have to charge you by the minute. 135 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,934 As I searched for my morning Marlboro Light, 136 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,312 Samantha proceeded to give me a rundown of her night with Jon 137 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,272 no "H," no inhibitions. 138 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:06,861 We did it with him on top, me on top, me on my side. 139 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,824 -Him on his side? - Oh, God, yes. 140 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:14,369 On his back, on his side, on his face. 141 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,747 -Have you ever done that? -It's too early to remember. 142 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,417 Well, do it immediately. It is fabulous. 143 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,877 These guys in their 20s, they are up for anything. 144 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:26,214 How did it go with you and Sam? 145 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,926 - We kissed. -Just kissed? 146 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,555 No. We just kissed for five hours 147 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:37,267 at the club, in front of the club, on the corner of the club. 148 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:40,395 I forgot how much fun it is to just kiss, you know, 149 00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,439 even if I did only get two hours sleep. 150 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,108 I didn't sleep at all. 151 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,902 As Samantha went on about her sexual escapades, 152 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,946 I glanced down at my arm. 153 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:54,701 There it was in Bic blue, 20-something Sam's phone number. 154 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,204 I had this sudden urge to call, but I'd just left him. 155 00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:01,875 Hell, my lips were still swollen. Why this sudden craving? 156 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:05,045 Are men in their 20s the new designer drug? 157 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,716 Yes, Samantha, Miranda and I were all recreational users, 158 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,552 but were we getting into something we couldn't handle? 159 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:16,264 Okay, we were attracted to younger men for various reasons. 160 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,225 But I couldn't help but wonder... What do they see in us? 161 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,229 Women in their thirties are just so grateful. 162 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:26,107 It's like every bullshit nice thing you do, 163 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,692 is like throwing food to the starving. 164 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,113 Take your shot! 165 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:36,034 They give great head and know a lot about wine. 166 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,790 They remind me of my mom. 167 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:51,132 They know who they are and what they want, and I like that. 168 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,805 Take it. Come on. Take it, man. 169 00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,892 -Fuck! -Two words, smart pussy. 170 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,020 Shoot it! 171 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,816 Later that week, Miranda and I compared notes. 172 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,068 Shouldn't we be dating men our own age? 173 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,486 Good luck finding one. 174 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,656 There are no available men in their thirties in New York. 175 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,075 Giuliani had them removed along with the homeless. 176 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,286 Also, then what's really going on here? 177 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,039 I mean, is it younger men feel safer? 178 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,500 What's really going on here is sex. 179 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,585 Good old-fashioned, eager-to-please, 180 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,171 do-what-I-tell-you-to, Eagle Scout sex. 181 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:33,299 Yeah, but I'm not having sex. It's a kissing thing. 182 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,010 So what's the big deal? It's just a fling. 183 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,680 It's not like we're throwing out our schedules or anything. 184 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,807 -Oh, sweetie, I gotta go. -Yeah? 185 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,392 I'm late for a meeting with my editor. 186 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,726 -Oh. Bye! - Bye! 187 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,565 I didn't wanna tell her I cancelled lunch with my editor 188 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,693 to go to Banana Republic and help twenty-something Sam pick out a shirt. 189 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,031 Here. 190 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,827 As I helped him try them on, I thought, 191 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:04,747 "He's sweet, he's fun, and I think he likes me. 192 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:09,127 Could he be more than a fling? Could he be a potential boyfriend?" 193 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,587 Please. 194 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,381 This isn't the Gap. 195 00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:19,304 And speaking of potential boyfriends, 196 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,056 later that week the "crossword puzzle" asked me 197 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,017 to meet him for a drink, blank. 198 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:27,270 Not quite a date, five letters, starts with a "T". 199 00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:34,068 Yeah. Whoever this is, I can't talk. I'm late for a drink thing. 200 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:37,238 I just need five minutes. I'm meeting Brian later and don't know what to do. 201 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,824 -About what? - Well, last night, 202 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:43,036 after a movie, we're walking down Second Avenue and we just passed-- 203 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,913 -Four minutes, Charlotte. -Okay. 204 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,832 I can't just blurt out what he asked me. It's embarrassing. 205 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,585 What? What did the perfect boyfriend ask? 206 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,964 Meet me in front of your apartment in ten minutes. 207 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,180 Okay, words are essential. Tell me exactly how he worded it. 208 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,724 "We've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. 209 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:05,934 I really like you. 210 00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,769 And tomorrow night after dinner, 211 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,771 I want us to have anal sex. 212 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,857 Okay, next stop is gonna be 62nd and Madison. 213 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,068 -62nd and Madison? -We're picking up Miranda. 214 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,611 -No, God, no. -Yes. 215 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,696 -And then we're picking up Samantha. -Oh, Carrie, no. 216 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:19,656 Sweetie, listen. 217 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,032 You need all the girl support you can get, 218 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,617 and I'm late for drinks with Big. 219 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,160 Oh, that's great. 220 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,663 Even in her state of abject blackness, 221 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,873 Charlotte was a dating optimist. 222 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,667 It all depends. How much do you like him? 223 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,085 A lot. 224 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,671 "Dating a few months until somebody better comes along" a lot 225 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,839 or "marrying and moving to East Hampton" a lot? 226 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,633 I don't know. I'm not sure. 227 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,635 Well, you better get sure real quick. 228 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:41,970 -You're scaring me. -Okay. 229 00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:43,054 Don't scare her. 230 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,722 It's all about control. 231 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,350 If he goes up there, there's gonna be a shift in power. 232 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,435 Either he'll have the upper hand or you will. 233 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,855 Now there's a certain camp that believes whoever holds the dick holds the power. 234 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,191 But... Hello! You're driving. 235 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,194 The question is, 236 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,364 if he goes up your butt, will he respect you more or respect you less? 237 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,950 -That's the issue. -No smoking in cab. 238 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,954 Sir, we're talking "up the butt." A cigarette is in order. 239 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,749 Front, back, who cares? A hole is a hole. 240 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,127 -Can I quote you? -Oh, don't be so judgmental. 241 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:17,213 -You could use a little back door. -I'm not a hole. 242 00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:18,798 Honey, we know. 243 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,968 Look. All I'm saying is that this is a physical expression 244 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,721 that the body was designed to experience. 245 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,639 And PS, it's fabulous. 246 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,767 What are you talking about? I went to Smith. 247 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,936 Look, I'm just saying, with the right guy 248 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,647 -and the right lubricant... 249 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,028 What was that? 250 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:41,821 A preview. 251 00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,746 Thanks. 252 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,878 Well, I can't believe it. 253 00:13:57,211 --> 00:14:01,591 Same time, same place. Just you and me. 254 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,053 Well, sort of. 255 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,347 Meet my friend, Jack. 256 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,434 Oh, hi. How are you? 257 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,771 Marvelous. Going through my second divorce. 258 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,231 Bitch is getting everything the first bitch didn't. 259 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,361 There he was, right in the middle of my drink thing... 260 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:22,904 Mr. Marvelous. 261 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:27,408 Jesus. Look at that beautiful woman. 262 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,371 I'm gonna go ask her to join us for dinner. Excuse me. 263 00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:32,497 Okay. 264 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,798 He... called me crying. 265 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,054 Do you forgive me? 266 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:51,557 Here's what. 267 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,231 Why don't you two have a guy's night. 268 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,359 You know, talk, cry, shoot bear. 269 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,569 I'm way behind on my column anyway. 270 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,198 Here. Next round on me. 271 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,867 We'll do our thing another time. 272 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,495 Are you sure? 273 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:17,959 Abso-fucking-lutely. 274 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,920 I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. 275 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:23,840 Confused? Sad? Rejected? 276 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:27,009 I decided to walk to clear my head. 277 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,303 Also, I just left my cab fare on the table. 278 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:34,642 So I walked. I walked 48 blocks in $400 shoes. 279 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,359 I just needed something to take the edge off. 280 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:50,283 A little kiss to make me feel better. 281 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,677 But now, it wasn't working. I wasn't getting the same rush. 282 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,888 Tonight, I needed more. 283 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,307 Meanwhile uptown, 284 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:17,810 Charlotte wondered when relationships had gotten so complicated. 285 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:21,689 She yearned for the time when dinner was followed by dessert, not lubricant. 286 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,859 I... I can't, Brian. I can't. 287 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,488 I want to, but I can't. I mean, actually... 288 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,656 No, that's not true. I don't want to. Or maybe I do. 289 00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:31,741 I don't know what I want, 290 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,659 but I'm afraid if I don't you'll dump me. 291 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,204 And if I do, then I'll be the "up the butt" girl. 292 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,039 And I don't wanna be the "up the butt" girl because... 293 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,874 I mean, men don't marry the "up the butt" girl. 294 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,335 Whoever heard of Mrs. Up The Butt? No, no, no. 295 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:43,836 I can't. 296 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:48,424 I want children and nice bedding and I just can't handle this right now. 297 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,719 Can we fuck the regular way? 298 00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,932 Yes, please. 299 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,814 That night, they made love the Charlotte way. 300 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:08,361 Polite and respectful on 300-count Egyptian cotton sheets. 301 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,697 Meanwhile downtown... 302 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,035 That was really great. 303 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,916 -You know... -Yeah? 304 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,293 ...when you lay like that... 305 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:27,588 you have the cutest little wrinkles in your neck. 306 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,884 Samantha realized as long as she dated someone younger, 307 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,803 she would always be older. 308 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,014 She gave up 20-somethings right then and there. 309 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,016 As Samantha went cold turkey, 310 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,104 I got in deeper and deeper. 311 00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:53,447 -That was... -Totally awesome. 312 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,117 I was hooked. Gone. 313 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,494 Who cares about age, crossword puzzles, 314 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,621 the cab money I'd left on the table? 315 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:04,166 This felt so good, I'd do anything to keep this high. 316 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,877 And just when I thought I couldn't get any higher, 317 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:08,838 he spooned me. 318 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:22,184 I woke up wanting more, or maybe not. 319 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,981 In the gray morning light, everything looked completely different. 320 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:32,320 Candles from Urban Outfitter, dirty laundry, a pizza box. 321 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,780 Suddenly, reality hit. 322 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,491 I'm in a 20-something apartment. 323 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,996 -Good morning, babe. -Good morning. 324 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,915 Fuck! I had this amazing dream. 325 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:50,546 My father and my ex-girlfriend were, like, dead or something. 326 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:53,215 How are you doing? It's good to see you. 327 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,510 -Coffee. I need coffee. -It's in the kitchen. 328 00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:01,515 And I had these big hands, like big aluminum hands. 329 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,228 And I lived in this, like, big missile silo 330 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,105 that was totally nuclear, 331 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:11,567 and it was surrounded by, like, my enemies and shit. 332 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:15,863 And one by one, they'd run at me! I mean, they got inside somehow. 333 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,949 I don't remember, but they would, like, run at me 334 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:23,037 and I would crush them to pieces with my big aluminum hands. 335 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,955 I crushed this one guy. 336 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:29,543 He had no face and stuff, but I crushed him. 337 00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:34,048 I could crush anything with these big fucking hands, man. 338 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,550 -You don't have any coffee... 339 00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,512 -You don't have any coffee filters. -I'll make that. That's all right. 340 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,390 Oh! You were in the dream 341 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:46,644 as this beautiful unicorn woman with glass eyes. 342 00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:49,230 You, coffee. Me, bathroom. 343 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:52,191 That would make a kick-ass song, wouldn't it? 344 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,235 Unicorn woman. 345 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,403 Coffee. 346 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,328 Oh, that's my roommate. 347 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,583 Every fiber in my 30-something being was screaming, 348 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,877 "Get out! You're too old for this." 349 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,879 And just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower... 350 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:18,759 I need toilet paper! 351 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,346 I'm just using the last of it to make the coffee. 352 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,480 I decided the only way to break free 353 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:34,483 was to move from one addiction to an even bigger one. 354 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:37,528 Shoes. 355 00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:42,324 A couple of blocks and way too much money later, 356 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:45,953 I realized I had just entered an interesting chapter in my life. 357 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,164 I had outgrown the boys of my past 358 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,416 and not quite grown into the men of my future. 359 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:51,625 Hey! 360 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,920 -Hi. How are you? - Hello. 361 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:58,132 Why is it in a city often million men, 362 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,552 you always see the one you don't want and never see the one you... 363 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,512 -Hi! -Hi. 364 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:06,724 What are you doing down there? 365 00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,643 Oh, it's a wobbly table. Guess I have the touch. 366 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,187 Would you care to join us? 367 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,105 Hinge. 368 00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:15,608 -What? -Your crossword puzzle. 369 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,944 Five-letter word. "To bring together." Hinge. 370 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,655 Well, nice seeing you. Bye. 371 00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:23,657 -Bye. -Excuse me. 372 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,496 Uh, hey, just so you know, I would've gotten hinge on my own. 373 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,165 -Maybe. -I have no doubt. 374 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,542 Now that I've got Jack hooked up, I'm single again. 375 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:34,960 Maybe we could have dinner sometime. 376 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:39,465 Hmm, I don't know. I'm good at crossword puzzles. 377 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,759 I'm just not so good at people puzzles. 378 00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:43,844 Anywhere you want. 379 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:45,429 Just you and me. 380 00:21:47,515 --> 00:21:48,641 Call me. 381 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:52,561 As I walked away, I had a thought. 382 00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,772 Maybe all men are a drug. 383 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,232 Sometimes they bring you down 384 00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:59,944 and sometimes, like now, they get you so high. 385 00:22:02,071 --> 00:22:03,239 Damn. 386 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,075 It would've been so cool if I hadn't looked back.