ALIEN #1: You are a calamity! A disgrace!
You've got no professional detachment,
and you can't keep your big nose out of other people's business!
ALIEN #2: As an intergalactic observer, you stink!
Did anybody else see those big letters flying by? (LAUGHS)
You are hopeless, "Kazoo"!
Actually it's "Gazoo." "Ga!" Let's all say it together.
Silence! We are sending you to a planet with virtually no civilization to muck up.
Please, no. Anything but...
BOTH: Earth!
You are to document the earthlings' bizarre mating ritual of love and marriage.
Why can't they reproduce like we do?
(SHUDDERS)
It's a boy!
-And so green and slimy. -Quit sucking up! (SNAPS FINGERS)
(GASPS) Wait. Surely there must be others more qualified than I.
Of course. But why risk losing one of them?
Not Earth!
GAZOO: They haven't even invented pants yet!
Have you seen my legs?
Imagine the moron who's going to get stuck with "Kazoo."
FRED: This is an exciting time for us, isn't it, Barney?
BARNEY: Sure, Fred.
No job, no money, no women. Things are really looking up.
Don't worry. Everything's gonna change once we pass our finals tomorrow.
Uh, Fred?
And I know just how to ace this test.
All these other mugs are gonna stay up all night studying.
-Fred... -Don't interrupt.
When they finally do get to sleep, all the information is gonna fall out of their heads.
Now me, I'm way ahead of everybody. I'm not gonna study tonight.
I'm gonna get a good night's rest, get up extra early and study in the morning.
That way, everything will still be up front of my noggin by the time I take the test.
-That's great. There's just one thing. -What's that?
The test is today!
Today?
Flintstone! You're next!
ANNOUNCER OVER SPEAKER: Next up on Bronto-simulator #3, Fred Flintstone.
Go!
You think you can handle a Brontocrane with a backfiring problem?
Crane's got trouble, just call Barney Rubble.
(LAUGHING)
(GROANING) Oh, my aching tummy!
Here you go.
(CHUCKLES) You wish.
(GROANING)
Look out! She's gonna blow!
(PASSES GAS LOUDLY)
Hey, I got three stomachs! Cut me some slack.
Yes!
-Time! -(BRAKES SQUEALING)
-How'd I do? -Well, Flintstone...
You passed!
Yabba-dabba...
Oooh!
-Congratulations. -Thank you, sir.
Frederick Flintstone.
(CHUCKLES) Way to go, Fred!
-Congratulations, Frederick. -Thank you, sir.
(GRUNTING)
-Melvin Rennick. -Thank you.
-Nice job. -Thank you.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
BRIDE-TO-BE: (GIGGLING) Gifts, gifts, gifts!
I'm having the best bridal shower a girl could ever have.
And this one's from Wilma.
Oooh!
Oh! A vacuum cleaner! Thank you, Wilma.
Yeah, like she's gonna do any housework, right?
I give this marriage six months, tops.
-Wilma? -Where's Wilma?
That girl will be the death of me.
Wilma Slaghoople! Staring at that tar pit bedrock again.
There's nothing down there but a bunch of flat-footed, flat-headed Neanderthals,
clubbing each other and grunting.
You know, I hear they're still afraid of fire.
I think they're exactly like you and me.
(CHUCKLES) This is all my fault.
I should never have let you play with the servants' children.
Darling, please.
Come downstairs and at least pretend to be having a good time like everyone else.
Come.
Look! Oven mitts!
(EVERYONE GIGGLING)
Is that all the presents?
Oh. What do we do now?
Ladies, I have an idea.
-What do you say we go for a drive? -To the club!
Actually, I was thinking about going someplace a little different for a change.
Someplace new.
Like, going into Bedrock...
And going bowling?
(ALL GIGGLING)
-Isn't she the best? -Oh, yes, she is!
Yah!
-Whoa. -(BRAYING)
My Wilma! Beautiful and witty,
a prize for any man.
Hello, Chip.
What are you doing here?
I just came by to discuss some business with Colonel Slaghoople.
There's a certain girl I'm thinking of investing in.
Hello, ladies.
Well, I guess the next bridal shower will be Wilma's!
(ALL GIGGLING)
Oh! Oh, no.
Now, ladies, don't start chiseling those invitations yet.
Wilma, you've hooked him. Now reel him in.
If I thought I had a shot at Chip,
I'd club my Eugene and leave him for the Raptors.
Wilma, get real! Chip Rockefeller was first in his class at Princestone.
-I know, but... -And he owns half of Rock Vegas.
Colonel.
Wilma, you and Chip are perfect for each other.
Think of the kind of life he can buy you.
We'll get to spend every day together shopping...
-Playing tennis... -Getting facials...
Browbeating our husbands! We'll be just like our mothers.
(SCREAMS)
Wilma!
BARNEY: Hey, Fred!
Hey, Fred!
Where you been?
I've been lookin' all over for ya.
I didn't feel much like celebrating.
Are you kidding? We get to spend the rest of our lives working in a rock quarry!
Who says dreams don't come true?
I know I should be happy, but I guess I always figured by this point in my life,
I'd have somebody special to share my success with.
You always got me, Fred.
Thanks, Barn. That's not really what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I know.
-What are you talkin' about? -A girl, Barn!
Oh, yeah, right. That's what I thought.
But I wouldn't worry about it. You'll meet somebody.
It's like they always say, "It'll happen when you least expect it."
Now, see, that's where you're wrong, Barn.
I believe you create your own opportunities in life.
You gotta go out there and make things happen.
It's not like something's gonna just drop out of the sky,
land in front of you and change your whole life.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
What was that?
GAZOO: (COUGHING) Help! Is there anybody out there?
"Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!"
Fred, I think there's somebody in there.
-Come on, let's try to open it up. -I'm right behind you, pal.
(GAZOO BANGING ON SPACECRAFT)
(BANGING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTING)
I don't know, Barn, the thing looks empty.
GAZOO: Would you mind not holding me by the antennae?
-It's not an altogether pleasant sensation. -(EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)
-Oh, Barn, get me outta here. Get me up! -Come on, pal.
What are you?
I am the Great Gazoo.
-The great "Kazoo"? -Gazoo.
I come from a planet too far for you to fathom,
and a civilization too advanced for you to comprehend.
-Wait a minute, Fred. I'll bet we get wishes! -Pardon?
We let you out of the fancy bottle. Now we get wishes, right?
Yeah, Barney's right. Let's get this started. What do we have to rub?
Now, look here. I am not some sort of friendly cartoon genie.
And that is not a bottle. It is a spacecraft.
I am of a highly-evolved alien species.
I don't do funny voices. I don't sing catchy songs.
And I do not possess a magic carpet for your big, bloated behinds to float upon!
I am here to observe your species' mating rituals.
-Okay, dum-dums? -FRED: Dum-dums?
Hey, was that an insult?
-If the shoe fits... -What's a shoe?
-Yes, it was an insult. -That's what I thought.
-You're here to observe. -Mm-hmm.
Well, get ready to observe your teeth leaving your head.
There he is, Fred!
Ooh! Violent natives. That will put a damper on tourism.
Perhaps you can satisfy my intellectual curiosity.
-Fine. And you? -Oh, dear.
(LAUGHING)
We're gonna rock this town Rock it inside out
We're gonna rock this town Make 'em scream and shout
Let's rock, rock, rock, man, rock
Rock till we pop We're gonna rock till we drop
We're gonna rock this town Rock it inside out
I'm Betty. I'll be your waitress.
The fish is fresh, but be careful, so are the busboys.
(GIGGLING) So, what are you having?
What am I having? Oh!
Ah, gosh.
How much is a glass of water?
Water? Free.
Great. I'll have two.
You want a burger to go with your water?
Oh, no. Water's fine. I like water.
Because if you're short on cash or something, I could spot you.
Then you could go home and get your wallet and pay me back.
No, that's impossible. I can't.
I just... I can't go home, so...
Oh, my! Are you caveless?
But you're so clean!
-Oh, no, you see... -You poor, poor thing.
Oh, great. I just called you "poor." I'm so thoughtless sometimes.
-Listen... -You're not poor. You're not.
-No, I'm not. -You're just down on your luck, right?
Well, don't you worry. You'll stay with me till you're back on your feet.
And I'm gonna buy you lunch.
-No, absolutely not. That's very sweet, but... -Please.
I used to volunteer at the caveless shelter. And I know.
I know you're not looking for a handout.
You're just looking for your self-respect.
I'm Betty. Betty O'Shale.
-(GIGGLING) -Just call me Wilma.
Okay, Wilma. Let's go get you something to eat.
Then we'll set you up at my apartment.
-You live in an apartment? -Mm-hmm.
That must be so great!
I always wondered what it would be like to live in an apartment.
Life can be so cruel sometimes.
(BARNEY WHISTLING)
-Good night, Fred. -Good night, Barn.
Good night, dum-dums.
Oooh!
Oh. Hey, look, it's that Kazoo.
Gazoo. Why is that so difficult?
What are you doing here?
I am here to observe your species' mating rituals. So, get to it!
(LAUGHS) Barney and me don't...
(LAUGHING)
Get off of me!
Listen, pal, you've got a lot to learn about the way things work here.
So who or what do you mate with, hmm?
Girls!
And where are these girls?
I've been asking myself the same thing.
Seven nights of rock
Seven nights of roll
Seven nights I'm gonna show my face with a different woman in a different place
Seven nights of rock Well, I got seven nights of roll
Monday I wanna rock with Jane
Tuesday It's gonna be Lorraine
Ohhh!
-(SCREAMS) -I got it!
Are you hurt, Wilma?
Who's Wilma?
Seven nights of rock Seven nights of roll
Seven nights I'm gonna show my face with a different woman in a different place
Seven nights of rock Well, I got seven nights of roll
At last, some hormonal activity.
Okay, boys, time to get busy. I don't get paid by the hour.
Keep quiet, Gazoo.
You want to see us meet some girls,
you're gonna have to hang back.
-We don't want you cramping our style. -Style?
Ha! Numero uno, if you knew the first thing about style,
you'd know that animal prints are passÃ©.
And secondly, dum-dum...
That's another thing. Enough with the dum-dum.
My name is Fred Flintstone. F-L-I-N...
-T... -Stone.
I don't care who you are. It doesn't give you any reason to shout.
-I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him. -Who, him?
No, him, the little green guy. Don't you see him?
(FEET SCAMPERING)
Wait a minute. He thought I was...
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me we're the only people who could see you?
Ding-ding-ding. You got one right.
Care to take "prehistoric imbeciles" for 200?
So all day, Barn and me have been talkin' to you,
and everybody probably thought we were a couple of...
Dum-dums?
I got a good feeling. Today could be my day. Who knows?
Why, I could turn around now and meet the girl of my dreams.
(WILMA EXCLAIMING)
What'll it be, boys?
Pay attention, Barn. You'll never want for companionship again.
Ahhh.
Humina, humina, humina...
Sorry, no substitutions.
No, I... (MUTTERING)
-Oh! You want a date? -(GRUNTING)
Well, I've gone out with men who've said less.
Why not? You can take me to the carnival tomorrow.
(GIGGLES)
(CHUCKLES)
(GIGGLING CONTINUES) (CHUCKLING CONTINUES)
Oh, ah...
Your little friend want a date, too?
Oh, help!
(CRASHING SOUND)
I got the perfect girl. Be right back.
Barney, tonight we shower.
(LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
(GIGGLES)
I may not know much about your courting rituals,
but I'll go out on a limb and say this can't be going very well...
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
See the 40-year-old man, one of nature's miracles.
Step right up! Step right up!
Only one clam gets two of you in.
WILMA: This is amazing! I can't believe it!
-It's so noisy! -BARNEY: Yeah, I noticed.
That looks like bowling. Barney, can we play?
Yeah, sure, but Fred and I go bowling all the time.
FRED: That's a dumb idea! Who's gonna pay to see dinosaurs?
I got dinosaurs in my backyard.
(LAUGHING) (GIGGLING)
Wow... You got a really great laugh.
Yeah, so do you.
(LAUGHING) (GIGGLING)
Hey, do you like Brontocoasters?
-I'll race you to it. -You're on.
(GIGGLING) (LAUGHING)
Whew!
This is gonna be fun, huh?
So, what do you wanna do first?
Ah...
What was your name again?
Come on, pretty boy. Come on!
Watch.
(CHEERING)
You don't got it, girl. You couldn't hit the broad side of a brontosaurus!
That was a good shot. Wasn't it?
FRED: Well, that's a pretty tough spare...
For most people.
We got a winner.
Ah, these things never live longer than a week.
Hey, Fred, do you think you could teach me how to throw like that?
Sure. Let's see what you've got.
Oh! Okay.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay. Whoops!
-(ALL SCREAM) -Ooh!
-I'm done. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let me help you.
Give me your hand. Middle fingers.
WILMA: Okay.
Now take the weight. Oh!
Now relax.
(EXHALES)
It's all in the toes.
And...
(SCREAMS HAPPILY) I did it!
Oh, yeah!
Hey, Fred! Fred!
Hey, Fred!
Look, I know I ran off with Betty,
but Wilma was kinda my date.
So I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much trouble if...
Well, if, ah... (LAUGHS)
(STAMMERS) What are you trying to say, Barn?
Would you mind if I left with Betty?
No! Not at all, buddy. Hey, take the car.
Thanks, pal. Thanks a bunch.
She says she wants to go back to our place and cook me breakfast.
(LAUGHING) I don't know what we're gonna do until then.
But you know I can't turn down a good meal! (LAUGHING)
It's kinda chilly all of a sudden, isn't it?
Chilly? Are you kiddin'? The earth's still coolin' around here.
Still, I wish I'd brought something to drape over my shoulders.
Oh!
Thank you.
Nice opening gambit, lover boy.
Now, close the deal so I can get off this barren rock.
I'm ignoring you right now.
What did you say?
I said, "I'm adoring you right now."
Oh, Fred! That's so sweet.
GAZOO: Come on, come on!
You're in the red zone.
La, la, la, la, la Isn't it all so romantic?
Now, hurry up and kiss her
Your eyes are like two big eyes.
(CRACKING) (BLUBBERING SOUND)
Oh, yuck!
That's so cute! He thinks you're his mother.
Down, boy, down!
Whoa!
Heh-heh-heh. (GROANS)
(GROWLING PLAYFULLY)
I lead a simple life.
As long as I got a roof over my head, food on the table,
and a sharp shell to shave with, I'm a happy guy.
Fred, you are so different than the kind of guys I grew up with.
-Really? What are they like? -Real different.
This is it.
(BARKS)
I had a great time tonight.
I sure hope you did, too.
I wouldn't change a thing.
(BARKING)
Well... Good night.
Good night.
(WHIMPERING)
-Good night. -Good night.
Good night.
(YELPING)
FRED: (SHOUTING LOUDLY) Yabba-dabba-doo!
One, two, one, two, three, ow
Wake up, kids We got the dreamers' disease
Age 14, it's got you down on your knees
So polite, we're busy still sayin' please
But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light
You feel your dreams are dyin'
Hold tight
You got the music in you
Don't let go
You got the music in you
One dance left This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up You got a reason to live
Can't forget We only get what we give
I'm comin' home, baby One dance left
(BARKS)
Good mornin', Fred. What a beautiful day!
I was just thinkin' the same thing, Barney boy. Beautiful!
So I take it you and Wilma had a nice evening.
Are you kiddin'? Barn, I've never met anyone like her.
This Wilma, I think she may be the one.
I feel the same way about Betty.
-She's smart. -She's hot.
-Kind. -Funny.
-Classy. -She's hot.
BOTH: Beautiful!
You know, Wilma, you really should wear your hair up.
-Like I need more height! -No, look.
It really brings out your smile.
Well, I guess I just have a whole lot more to smile about these days.
And I owe it all to you.
You're the first real friend I've ever had.
You've had a tough life. You deserve a few breaks.
Actually, Betty, it hasn't been all that tough.
You see, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...
-And I've been real scared, but I think now... -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Pizza's here. -(SIGHS)
Good evening. I'm looking for a...
Mother?
Wilma, is that you?
What is this place?
WILMA: This is an apartment. It's how a lot of people live.
Well, that doesn't make it right.
And who are you? The cleaning woman?
You're obviously doing a terrible job. You're fired. Go on, shoo!
Mother, Mother! This is my new best friend, Betty.
She's been very good to me.
And I've been a regular Joan Crawfish.
Wilma, I'm going to take my bath now. Good luck.
Yuck!
Mother, how did you find me?
I did what any concerned parent would do. Hired a detective.
-You what? -We'll discuss everything on the way home.
-Come on. -I am home, Mother.
And I'm happier than I have ever been in my life.
You can throw me in a sack and drag me home, but I'll just run away again.
Fine, Wilma, fine.
You've broken my heart.
But I will not allow you to do the same thing
to your dear, frail father.
Oh, darling, he misses you so much.
And if you're not home on Sunday to celebrate his birthday,
well, I just don't know how many more birthdays
he's going to be around to celebrate.
I wonder why Wilma gave us these suits to wear for the party.
Maybe it's a costume party.
Stay.
Dino, stay.
(WHIMPERING)
Come on, Barn, let's pick up the girls.
(DINO WHIMPERING)
(YIPPING)
So, Barn, what do you think?
Oh, Fred, you shouldn't have.
It's not for you, nitwit. It's for Wilma.
Oh.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Dum-dum, there appears to be a tiny flake of something stuck to your ring.
Look. Just there.
-That's the stone, Gazoo. -Oops.
-It's all I could afford. -Sorry.
Well, I'm sure she'll be very impressed by your frugality.
That's the great thing about Wilma. I don't feel the need to impress her.
She's just a simple girl with simple tastes.
You know, there are a couple things about me
I haven't gotten around to telling you guys yet.
Well, welcome to Slaghoople Manor.
BARNEY: Your house has a name?
(INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER)
Fred, look! A Cadi-roc limo!
(LAUGHING)
Betty, I'm sorry. I was just so ashamed.
I should have realized a caveless girl couldn't afford to wear Isaac Mizrocki.
-Wilma! Wilma's home, everybody. -Genevieve...
Barney.
She's loaded.
Fred, it looks like you really lucked out.
No, Barn! This is terrible!
I can't give her this measly ring. Look at her house!
A girl like this is used to the best of everything.
She's gonna take one look at this ring and laugh at me.
Barn, it's a good thing I didn't get the chance to give it to her sooner.
Hey, what are you doin'? Hey!
This little mug's tryin' to steal my car!
No, sir! I'm the valet!
The ballet? I don't care if you're going to the opera. You're not going in my car!
Fred! Barney! Get off of him!
Fred, he's the valet. He parks the car.
I knew that.
Come on, Fred.
Valet parking! First, cooked food, now this. What'll they think of next?
(PLAYING ROCKABILLY PIANO)
Wilma! Wilma, darling, we're over here.
Wilma, darling, you look... Nice.
Thank you, Mother. Hello.
Happy birthday, Daddy.
Huh?
Oh, yes, yes. Any news from the front?
-Ah. Morale is excellent, sir. -Good.
Mother, Father, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, Fred.
Cavalry, mount up.
We're moving out. Charge!
-A pleasure. -Charmed.
Wilma, darling,
there's somebody here who's simply dying to see you again.
Chip, over here.
Mother, Chip's here?
Of course, Chip's here.
-He's practically family. -Who's Chip?
We used to date. "Used to," Mother.
-Wilma, you look lovelier than ever. -Thank you.
I love your hair up like that.
-Oh, I see you've brought a... -Date.
Wilma, Wilma, look, look. The Rathbones have arrived.
You've got to come and see Tiffany's new nose. It's between her eyes now.
Come on.
We haven't been formally introduced. I'm Chip Rockefeller.
Of the Mesozoic Rockefellers.
I'm Fred Flintstone of the, uh,
Fredizoic Flintstone stones.
What line of work are you in?
It so happens I'll be hanging my hat at the quarry.
Oh, you bought Slate and Company!
No, I'm a Brontocrane operator.
(SCOFFING) Seriously, what do you do?
I work down at the quarry. I'm a Brontocrane operator.
(LAUGHING) You are serious! How embarrassing for you.
Fellas, Wilma's date works
at the quarry!
(EVERYONE LAUGHING)
He's a Brontocrane operator!
(GRUNTING)
Ahhh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! (CHUCKLING)
Hi, Betty!
Did I tell you that that's a really pretty dress?
Thank you.
-Oh, Betty, you're not still mad at me, are ya? -Mad?
Just because you pretended to be poor, and I took you in and I felt sorry for you?
Why would that make me mad?
Yoo-hoo!
Having fun, princess?
-Not really. -That's my girl!
-I have a little something for your birthday. -Daddy, it's your birthday!
It is? Oh.
Well, these won't fit me.
(GASPS)
Oh, they're beautiful!
Yes!
I know you don't like showy things,
but these were your great-great-grandmother's.
-Oh! -In fact, they came right out of her shell.
Oh, Wilma. Whatever you decide to do,
I want you to know something.
Your daddy will always love you.
-Thank you, Daddy. -Yes!
(ALL CHATTERING)
Wow, Wilma, sure are beautiful pearls!
-Thank you, Fred. -They look really expensive.
Ladies and gentlemen...
(TAPPING GLASS) I'd like to propose a toast.
To the Colonel on his birthday.
Although he's a man of great wealth and power,
he has the most precious gifts a man could ever want. A loving wife...
And the most beautiful daughter the world has ever seen.
CHIP: To the Colonel! ALL: To the Colonel!
(CLEARS THROAT)
(LAUGHS)
-I'd also like to propose a toast. -Must you?
To Mr. Slaghoople...
-"Colonel" Slaghoople! -Yes?
Mrs. Slaghoople,
and most of all... Wilma.
Ah, thanks for the invite.
You know, I've never been inside a place this big without paying admission.
At first I felt a little uncomfortable,
much the same as you would if you were to stumble into one of my lodge meetings,
the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalos.
BOTH: Waka, waka, wee!
Waka, waka, who?
(YIPPING)
No, no! Dino, bad!
Dino, no!
-(SCREAMS) -Dino!
-(BARKS) -Oh, Dino!
You! This is all your fault! You ruined my entire party.
You idiot! You buffoon! You, you... Commoner!
(YAPPING)
Get out.
Get out of my house now!
FRED: Hey, watch it.
Stop it!
How can you treat people this way?
Is it because they're not like you? You know what?
That is why I like them, because they're not like you.
They like me for who I am, not who I am.
I mean...
You know what I mean.
How dare you talk to me like that, Wilma!
No one has ever talked to me like that before!
Well, Mother, maybe it's about time somebody did.
Oh.
-(BARKS) -Let's go, Fred.
We're right behind you, Wilma.
Thanks, Betty.
(DINO YAPPING)
CHIP: Wilma? Wilma, wait.
Please don't go.
You were right back there. The way I... The way everyone's behaved today
-has been inexcusable. -Thank you, Chip.
Congratulations, Flintstone. I really mean that. The better man won.
And just to show that there are no hard feelings,
I'd like to invite the four of you to the opening of my new casino in Rock Vegas.
You lovebirds can take in the sites, relax in the luxury accommodations
and enjoy the opening night concert gala by Mick Jagged and the Stones.
The Stones?
This isn't love This is destiny
What do you say, Wilma?
Well, Chip, I...
We really appreciate your gesture, but I don't think now is a good time...
Hmm, Rock Vegas, eh?
(GASPS)
We'd love to go.
(SQUAWKING)
Bright light city gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
Got a whole lotta money that's ready to burn
You better get those stakes up high
There's a thousand guys waiting out there
And they're all living devil-may-care
And I'm just a little devil with a lot of love to spare
Viva Rock Vegas
How I wish that there were many more
Than the 24 hours of a day
But even if there were 40 more
I wouldn't sleep a minute away No, no, no
Blackjack and poker Roulette wheel
A fortune won and lost on every deal
All you need's a strong heart and nerves of steel
Viva Rock Vegas
FRED: Way to go, Barney!
Viva Rock Vegas with your neon flashing and your one-arm bandits crashing
And all those hopes down the drain
Viva Rock Vegas turning day into nighttime
Night into daytime
If you see it once You'll never be the same again
I guarantee it
Viva Rock Vegas
Viva
Viva Rock Vegas
(SLOW JAZZ PLAYING)
Great day, huh?
I hope it never ends.
Oh, young love!
-It's a shame it won't last, hmm? -Mm-hmm.
(WHEEZING)
Just you wait, Roxie, dear.
This man is my puppet, and I've barely begun to pull the strings.
Soon Wilma will see him for the pathetic primitive primate he really is.
You told me you were over this Wilma person.
CHIP: What do I have to do to convince you?
Diamonds? A Maserocki?
Your own show in the Stalactite Lounge?
Very nice, Chip! But I prefer cash.
-What a coincidence. So do we. -Yeah.
Oh, Rocko and Rocko, my favorite made men!
What can I do for you gentlemen?
The boss wants his money. He says he don't think you got it.
That's... Not entirely true,
nor is it entirely false.
He don't entirely care.
But he wants all of his money by midnight Sunday,
or he starts taking your casinos.
-And breaking your legs! -This is a moot discussion, gentlemen,
because by Sunday evening, I shall be married to Wilma Slaghoople
and one of the greatest personal fortunes in the uncivilized world.
-You'd better be... -Or you'll be sleepin' with the Tunasauruses!
(SQUAWKING)
The plot thickens.
(GIGGLES)
Oh, this is heaven!
Could you get between my shoulder blades? That's where I carry my tension.
Ha! She's tense. I just found out what calamari means.
Wilma, can I ask you something?
Sure, Betty. What's up?
Do you think Barney's serious about me?
What are you talkin' about? He's crazy about you.
I hope so.
I've never met anyone like Bernard Rubble.
He's so loyal.
And so sweet! He makes me feel like I'm the only girl in this whole flat world.
That's exactly how Fred makes me feel. I mean, Chip,
it was always about money.
Fred doesn't have a greedy bone in his entire body.
Yabba-dabba-dough! (LAUGHING)
Look at all these clams!
You got enough there to buy Wilma a ring for each finger.
And maybe a little stud for me too.
So, what do you say we go cash out?
What, are you crazy? That's your problem, Barn. You think too small.
I'm not just gonna stop at a ring.
I'm gonna buy her a whole lifestyle, just like Chip Rockefeller.
But she doesn't want some smart, rich, handsome guy. She wants you.
Hey, buzz off, cave boy. The man's got magic hands.
I know this will be difficult for you, but let's think for a moment.
Chip Rockefeller flew you to his casino, in his plane, to play at his tables.
And against odds of 247,000 to one,
you have rolled 17 straight winners.
Can we connect the dots?
Sure! Today's my lucky day!
Good luck, dum-dum. You'll need it.
Come on, babies!
CROUPIER: Lucky seven!
What did I tell you, Barn? Magic!
It's not magic. It's skill.
A gentleman gambler like you should be playing with the high rollers.
FRED: The high rollers?
Well, I was just getting warmed up, building my bankroll.
Bankroll? Please! I'll give you a line of credit.
-Credit? -Sure!
The house fronts you a little extra, you pay it back. A man of your skill?
Please, I'd be honored to have you on a house account.
Fred! Don't do it.
That's how my uncle, the gambler, lost everything.
He lost his wife, his house, his kids, his dog...
Did you know we have an all-you-can-eat buffet by the pool?
-Fred, please, I... All you can eat? -Absolutely!
I'd like you to meet Roxie. She's my lead Rockette.
Roxie, would you show Mr. Rubble the buffet?
It would bring me great pleasure.
Come on, Flintstone. I'll show you to your table,
and I'll have the pit boss bring you a big pile of clams.
CROUPIER: New shooter.
Read 'em and weep, boys. Four lovely ladies.
-Fred! -Make that six. Where have you two been?
We've been waiting for you at the Kavern Klub.
Oh, right, I'm sorry. I've been on a roll.
Hey, where's Barney?
Barney? He went off to the buffet with some showgirl.
A showgirl?
(CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
You know, when they say, "all you can eat," they don't mean till you explode.
I'm just getting started.
(SNIFFING) Ooh, look at the size of that pie.
Waiter. Waiter, over here!
Let me. Waiter!
(GASPING)
Ooh, uh, let me help. (CHUCKLING)
(BARNEY MOANING)
(CRYING)
(ROXIE GROANS)
(MUMBLES)
Get off!
MICK JAGGED: Thanks, darling.
All right, babes, I love you, but I gotta go.
-Catch you later! (GROWLS) -Ooh!
(CRYING)
Hello, love.
(GASPS) Are you...
Yeah. Mick Jagged.
At your service.
Oh.
And you are?
(SNIFFLES)
Betty. Betty O'Shale.
What's a lovely bird like you doing all on your lonesome, eh?
-My boyfriend... He was... -Yeah?
I saw him... With another girl. (CRYING)
Aw, sweetheart. I'll tell you what.
If you was my lady, you wouldn't catch me even touching another girl. Not never!
(CRYING)
Unless I'm on the road. On the road doesn't count.
Here, here, here.
Why don't you try stopping crying
and give Mickie a little smile, eh?
There, that's better.
You do look lovely when you smile, Miss Betty O'Shale.
(GIGGLING) Thank you.
What do you say we go meet me band mates,
then maybe go somewhere more quiet, so we can
talk a little bit more, yeah?
3,041, 3,042...
-(CROWD SCREAMING ENTHUSIASTICALLY) -What's going on down there?
Hey, Fred, look! There's Mick Jagged and the Stones!
And there's Betty. She's with the band.
What would Betty be doing with the Stones?
Yeah. She doesn't even play an instrument.
Betty! Betty, up here! It's me, Barney!
Betty!
-Betty! -Hello.
Excuse me, excuse me. Betty!
Wait a minute, Betty, please!
14,542...
15,542.
Look, Fred, let's do something together, huh? We could go bowling.
Bowling?
Bowling's for poor people.
(SIGHS)
Looks like you and Chip have a little more in common than I thought.
Why? 'Cause we're both big winners?
Here, Fred. Buy yourself a clue.
Hey, Wilma. Wilma, wait...
Wilma, wait! Wilma!
Wilma!
Honey, baby, what's the matter?
All right, Flintstone, you've lost Wilma.
Now it's time to lose everything else.
(CACKLING)
Place your bets, folks! Place your bets.
One red. One red is the winner!
(GROANING)
(CHUCKLING)
(GROANS)
(STAMMERING, SCREAMING)
Hello, Wilma. Been for a walk?
-Nothing gets by you, Chip. -Oh, forgive me for disturbing you.
(SIGHING)
Oh, Chip. I'm so sorry.
-I've just got a lot on my mind. -I've been on edge too.
Opening weekend, so many guests, and now, all the room robberies.
-Robberies? -It's nothing. It's just...
But just to be safe, I wish you'd let me
put those beautiful pearls of yours in our safe.
Good idea, Chip.
-They mean a lot to me. -I know.
(SIGHING)
It's up to you, baby.
Get me started again.
No, no, no! No!
Mr. Flintstone? Mr. Rockefeller has extended an invitation
to join him at the fight.
(CROWD SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING) More credit? No.
No chance, no way, no how.
Do you know how much you owe already?
Owe?
One million four-hundred thousand clams.
-Oh. -It's gonna be a real shame
when Wilma finds out what a loser her new boyfriend is.
Of course, she doesn't have to find out.
She doesn't? See that? I knew you were a good guy.
(CHUCKLING) I'm not.
I said I wouldn't tell her. I didn't say you could still have her.
I'll erase your debt, Flintstone, but you've gotta disappear.
Out of town, out of Bedrock, and never see or speak to Wilma again.
Wait a minute.
You had this planned all along.
Tell me, how do you even dress yourself in the morning?
Normally, I just wear what I fell asleep in. What's that gotta do with anything?
Goodbye, Flintstone.
Hey, you won't get away with this, Rockefeller!
(CROWD GASPING) (FRED GROANING)
(GRUNTING) (CHEERING)
Rockefeller! Hey, Rockefeller!
You know what? I don't care what happens to me,
but I'm not gonna let you weasel your way closer to Wilma.
Soon as I find her, I'm gonna tell her exactly what's going on.
Then we'll see how well your plan worked.
(SQUAWKING)
What the...
There has been a robbery. All guests to the lobby.
Uh-oh, there appears to have been a robbery.
We'll have to continue this conversation later, Fred. Please, step this way.
(MURMURING)
-(COOING, GIGGLING) -Ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you there is a criminal in our midst.
-(CROWD GASPING) -How old did you say you were?
But before I expose him to the public,
I'd like to give him the chance to step forward and admit his wrongdoing,
if only to take the first tiny step toward absolution.
(CRYING) I stole all the towels in my room!
Well, that is illegal, but still...
I'm wearing someone else's underwear!
CROWD: Eww!
No, I was talking about a...
I'm systematically poisoning the dinosaurs' water supply.
In a matter of decades, their entire species will be extinct!
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right! This is obviously going nowhere. I was talking about a necklace.
A very valuable necklace has been stolen from our hotel safe.
A necklace belonging to my dear, dear friend, Wilma Slaghoople.
-My pearls? -Wilma.
All right, who did it?
So help me, if you don't step forward right now, I will personally...
I don't think violence will be necessary, Flintstone,
because I know exactly who stole Wilma's pearls.
A desperate man, drowning in gambling debts.
Lowlife!
Hey, doesn't anybody care about this whole dinosaurs-becoming-extinct thing?
ALL: No!
Fred, would you mind emptying your pockets?
You think I stole Wilma's pearls? Chip, that's...
Why? Do you have something to hide, Fred?
Definitely not! See for yourself.
I'm not...
(CROWD GASPING)
Fred.
Wait a minute. I didn't take these.
Wilma, why would I take your pearls?
Do you deny that you owe the casino over a million clams with no way to pay it back?
-(CROWD GASPING) -Fred, is that true?
Yeah, but...
Wilma, darling, I'm so sorry.
Wilma. Wilma.
Wilma, you can't believe him! He set me up!
Security, take this man to jail!
-(CROWD CHEERING) -You're coming with us.
-Hey, hey, hey. -Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
You're all making a big mistake.
Fred couldn't have stolen that necklace. It was locked up in a safe.
Fred can't even remember the combination to his bowling locker.
Look, he's gotta write it down on his hand, see?
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Ah, great, now everybody's seen it.
Huh? Crack a safe? He couldn't even crack his knuckles without my help.
Thank you, Mr. Rubble, for confessing to being Mr. Flintstone's accomplice.
You're welcome. What?
Take them both away!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Believe me! I'm innocent!
Everybody, gamble!
Where's my little girl?
Oh, my poor, poor baby.
(SIGHS) Perfect.
Everything's going to be all right now, darling. Mummy's here.
And I'm going.
Wilma? I've already talked to Chip, and he's willing to take you back.
What gives you the right to interfere with my life?
I'm your mother, and I love you. And Chip loves you.
Chip loves money.
And you have money. It's a match made in heaven.
-(SIGHS) -Oh, Wilma.
Look, I think he's already proven his loyalty.
He saved you from that beast.
Fred is not a beast. He was just raised by them.
Ah, that explains the missing piece of the puzzle.
Wilma, listen to me. Go back to Chip.
Please?
(SIGHS)
Darling,
don't let Chip slip through your fingers again.
I just don't know how much more pain that poor boy can endure.
(GROANING) I said you'll have your money by midnight.
The boss says he's got his doubts. See, a little birdie told him
that you ain't even dating the Slaghoople dame no more.
Hey, I might be out of a job tomorrow.
Brother's got to have a little nest egg, you dig?
Ah, that's preposterous! We're getting married this evening. Honest.
Good. But if the bride don't show,
you'll be spending your wedding night...
With me.
(LAUGHING)
(PLAYING HARMONICA)
I miss Betty.
I know, Barn. I'd do anything to see Wilma again.
We'd be with 'em right now if I hadn't been so stupid.
Now, I could've told you that.
Gazoo?
Gazoo! Oh, boy, are you a sight for sore eyes!
You gotta help us, buddy. You gotta get us out.
"Buddy"? Did I hear that correctly?
I'm sorry, but are you not the same Fred Flintstone who hurt my feelings so,
that I spent the rest of my vacation in my room watching pay-per-view!
You're right, you're right. I was wrong.
I tried to impress Wilma with money,
and all I did was ruin everything, like I always do.
'Cause you know what I am?
I'm nothing but a big...
Yes?
Dum-dum.
All opposed?
The ayes have it.
Oh, now, look.
Just because you finally realized what I knew right away,
that doesn't mean I haven't developed a little soft spot for you.
-Really? So you're gonna bust us outta here? -Whoo-hoo!
Gazoo's gonna bust us out Gazoo's gonna bust us out
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Do I look like the cavalry? Though those outfits are adorable.
No! You two know I can't actually interfere.
I'm only here to give you some information
I thought you might find enlightening.
Hey, I didn't know you could do that.
This is a moot discussion, gentlemen, because by Sunday evening,
I shall be married to Wilma Slaghoople
and one of the greatest personal fortunes in the uncivilized world.
Wilma's in trouble. We gotta get outta here.
-Come on, you gotta help us, Gazoo. -I wish I could. I really do.
So you're just gonna let this happen?
I've gotta sit in this cell while Wilma walks down the aisle with the wrong guy.
We were supposed to live happily ever after.
Same with me and Betty.
(BOTH CRYING)
Please, don't. Not emotions.
My race has prospered for eons without the slightest trace of personal emotions,
and we couldn't be happier.
Well, of course, we don't actually get happy because we don't have emotions.
(SOBBING)
Oh, this is so sad.
Somebody hold me! (CRYING)
(CRYING, LAUGHING)
-Blow. -Barney, Barney, you can fit through the bars.
I can? I guess I should have tried that earlier, huh?
Come on, come on, get the keys!
(SNORING)
(SCREAMING)
-Hey. Back in your cage, shorty! -Achoo!
Hi, Betty.
Hi, Wilma!
I just came to say goodbye.
I heard you're going to Stonehenge with Mick Jagged.
Yeah, I can't wait.
Chip's going around saying you're getting back together.
I'm so happy for you.
I'm so happy for you, too, Betty.
I've never been so happy.
Me neither. Oh, Betty!
-Oh, Wilma. -Oh, oh, oh, Betty.
(BOTH CRYING)
Hey, knock it off. You're big girls now.
Wilma, darling, you are doing the right thing.
I married the Colonel for his money and look how happy we are.
So... We meet again.
Spread out and find these guys.
All right, fellas, let's leave no stone unturned.
We'll get 'em.
They're looking for us, Barn. They got guards everywhere.
What are we gonna do, Fred?
-We're just gonna have to fight our way in. -But these guys are armed.
This is a war, Barn.
And in war, there's always gonna be casualties.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate your sacrifice.
Why do I gotta be the one that gets sacrificed?
Because I know I'm gonna get Wilma back.
Face it, Barn, there's no way Betty's gonna dump Mick Jagged for you.
Therefore, I got more reason to live.
Come on, girls! Let's go! Come on, come on!
Curtain's going up, curtain's going up! Let's see you, come on out!
Oh, you look lovely. Come on, opening night. Let's see smiles.
-There you go! -See, Fred? Worked like a charm.
-Go! -Come on, no chitchat! Let's go. And sparkle!
The one near the end looks like a man.
Yeah. Maybe your sister oughta try out.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, GASPING)
It's them! Get 'em!
Barn, come on, let's get outta here now!
-Look out! -Excuse me!
-Go, go! Get 'em! -There they are!
This isn't love This is...
What do you think, Betty? Should I stick my butt out a bit further?
Hmm? Does it look good like that?
Or maybe that's too much butt for the opening of the show.
It's really up to you, Mick. You are the artist.
Yeah, that I am, Betty. That I am.
Barney!
-Fred? -Wow, you really are with Mick Jagged.
-I hope you're not the two girls I sent for. -No.
Actually, the cuter one used to be my boyfriend.
What?
Betty, I understand if you want to be with this famous rock star instead of me.
But I just had to come back here and tell you...
I love you.
I don't think I ever told you that before.
But now I did, so goodbye.
Barney, wait!
Do you really mean it?
Of course I do. I've never felt this way about anyone before.
Then what about that showgirl you were with in the restaurant?
Roxie? That's Chip Rockefeller's girlfriend.
He sent her to take me to the buffet so I couldn't stop Fred from gambling.
Chip Rockefeller has a girlfriend? Somebody's gotta tell Wilma.
Don't worry, Betty. I'll handle Rockefeller.
All right, all right, would somebody mind telling me what the bloody hell's going on?
This is not cricket. I'm supposed to be on stage momentarily,
and it's preposterous to expect me to perform in my present palpitated state.
I'm sorry, Mick. I had a really great time with you and all...
-Yes? -But... I love Barney.
(GIGGLING) (LAUGHING)
Well, I don't care. I'm in love with Betty too.
She's the first decent, honorable woman I've ever met,
and I am, like, unbelievably turned on by her naivetÃ©.
Watch your mouth, mister, or I'll give you a fat lip.
Although it kinda looks like somebody already has.
That's it, that's it! Nobody pinches my bird.
Not after I've gone to all the trouble of pinching her from him in the first place.
(SCREAMS)
Take this, you foreigner!
-Barney? -Come on, come on, then.
-Come on. -She's mine.
Oh, yeah?
Over my ridiculously-thin dead body.
-Wilma... I love you. I always have. -Oh.
I lost you once, but I won't lose you again.
-Ah... -Marry me.
Tonight.
Chip. You are terrific.
But...
It's just, a lot of things have happened recently.
And I need a little time to think, you know?
Wilma, I can't live without you.
Just say yes. Please.
(GROANING) That's okay.
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Tardust Hotel
is proud to present the world's only rock n' roll band,
Mick Jagged and the Stones.
This isn't love
This is destiny
Somewhere above
This was planned for me
Life had no meaning
I never knew why
Till the dream came true
The dream is you
I never say never
But this love won't ever
Be over
Together
We'll share love wherever
We go
This isn't love
This is ecstasy
Somehow I knew
You would come to me
Never say never
Wilma, honey, I never meant to hurt you.
I've done some stupid things... Heck, a lot of stupid things.
But love makes you do stupid things.
Wilma, I'd never forgive myself if I didn't give this one last try.
Wilma Slaghoople,
I can't give you diamonds or fast cars or fancy houses.
-I can. -All I can give you
is just plain old Fred Flintstone from Bedrock,
and all the love in my heart.
I hope that's enough.
-It's enough, it's enough. -No, it's not!
Wilma, will you... (STAMMERING)
Will you... (STAMMERING)
Will you... Humina, humina, humina.
-Spit it out! -Wilma, will you marry me?
-(CROWD GASPING) -This is your last chance.
Stop me, or all the dinosaurs die.
ALL: Shut up!
Wilma... I am still waiting.
Yes!
Yabba-dabba-doo!
(CROWD CHEERING)
And do you, Fred Flintstone,
take Wilma Slaghoople to be your wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward?
I yabba-dabba-doo.
Do you, Wilma, take Frederick to be your husband,
to have and to hold, from this day forward?
I do.
(GROANING)
Then, by the power vested in me by the city of Rock Vegas,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
-Mrs. Slaghoople. -Oh, where am I? What is this place?
(CRYING)
-Gazoo, are you crying? -No, no, no, of course not, dum-dum.
I'm simply overcome with information.
You see, I finally understand your complex mating rituals, all the emotions.
All this... Love.
And I've come to the conclusion that I'll never meet anybody. (CRYING)
Oh, you're very sweet, but believe me, it would never work out.
Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you,
Mr. and Mrs. Flintstone...
Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They're the modern stone-age family
From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history
And with the Rubbles by their side
They'll have a long and happy life
'Cause when you're with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time A dabba-doo time
We'll have a gay old time
Viva Rock Vegas
Viva Rock Vegas turning day into nighttime Turning night into daytime
If you see it once You'll never be the same again
Viva Rock Vegas
Viva
Viva Rock Vegas
We'll have a gay old time
We'll have a gay
Old time
Come on, guys
-Let's rock! -Oh, yeah
Bright light city gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
Got a whole lotta money that's ready to burn
You better get those stakes up high
There's a thousand guys waiting out there
And they're all living devil-may-care
And I'm just a little devil with a lot of love to spare
Viva Rock Vegas
-Whoo! -Let's rock!
How I wish that there were many more
Than the 24 hours of a day
But even if there were 40 more
I wouldn't sleep a minute away No, no, no
Blackjack and poker Roulette wheel
A fortune won and lost on every deal
All you need's a strong heart and nerves of steel
Viva Rock Vegas
Let's rock, rock, rock
Viva Rock Vegas with your neon flashing
And your one-arm bandits crashing
And all those hopes down the drain
Viva Rock Vegas turning day into nighttime
Night into daytime
If you see it once You'll never be the same again
I guarantee it, ooh
Live on the run I'm gonna have me some fun
If it costs me my very last dime
And if I wind up broke, well
Always remember that I had such a good time
I'm gonna give it up I got you
Lady luck, please, please Let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Viva Rock Vegas
Viva
Viva Rock Vegas
Whoo! Hey, let's rock, baby!
This isn't love
This is destiny
Somewhere above
This was planned for me
Life had no meaning
I never knew why
Till the dream came true
The dream is you
I never say never
But this love won't ever
Be over
Together
We'll share love wherever
We go
This isn't love
This is ecstasy
Somehow I knew
You would come to me
I never say never
But this love won't ever
Be over
Together
We'll share love wherever
We go
I never say never
But this love won't ever
Be over
Together
We'll share love wherever
I never say never
But this love won't ever
Be over
Together
We'll share love wherever
I never...
Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They're the modern stone-age family
From the town of Bedrock
They're a page right out of history
And with the Rubbles by their side
They'll have a long and happy life
'Cause when you're with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time A dabba-doo time
We'll have a gay old time
We'll have a gay