Today, we're gonna be talking about The Five-Minute Orgasm,
a new book written by Nina Halter.
Hi, Nina, welcome.
Thank you. It's an honor to be on your show, Phoebe.
You're gonna get me in trouble. It's not my show, I'm a guest host.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I've been watching all week
and I love, love, love your topics.
-So provocative. -Thank you very much.
And speaking of provocative,
we should probably talk about this book here of yours.
It's wonderful, isn't it?
To be honest with you, I haven't been able to read the whole thing
because I haven't had time, but I love the title:
The Five-Minute Orgasm, amazing.
Okay, so I guess the first question would be:
Why only five minutes?
I mean, don't you think that's rushing it a bit?
You misunderstood. It's not about having one in five minutes,
it's about having an orgasm for five minutes.
Oh, well, is this my copy?
Okay, so let's just cut to the chase here
and I'm gonna ask you, how does one experience this phenomenon?
Well, it's really quite simple, really. First...
Chris!
-Piper, let's go. -No, Wyatt's upstairs.
Just go get my sisters.
This is just fascinating stuff.
I have to ask you, does it work for guys too?
Well, there is a technique,
-but it's quite dangerous. -Dangerous?
Really?
Oh, no, you don't.
I don't understand it. This trick worked in '68.
You forgot the saws, dear.
I forgot the what's?
It's okay. I got you covered.
How'd they do that?
So wait, a vortex did all of this?
Vortex, whirlpool, I don't know, whatever.
Well, if it's a whirlpool, there would probably be some water.
The fineries of what almost killed Piper aren't important. The point is,
she was almost killed and no one was here to help.
You're right, I'm sorry. I was kind of tied up. Or cut in half.
And I was interviewing the most fascinating woman.
Oh, the orgasm lady! That show was great.
At least what I saw of it until the TV was sucked into oblivion.
I hope you brought home that book.
Piper, doesn't it bother you you had to vanquish that demon alone?
Yeah, well, sure.
But, you know, we all have lives,
which is why I need this place cleaned up before my guests arrive.
Who's coming?
Mary has designed a fashion line and she wants to show us all.
I love clothes.
Wait, we've got a demon to hunt.
If I could just find him in here.
Okay, but regardless of what you find in there,
I'm gonna be with my friends, because I will have a normal life if it kills me.
Piper, why don't you have Leo heal that when he comes to pick up Wyatt?
Because I don't need magic to heal a cut.
I'd use magic for everything if I could.
Well, if I had done this fighting a demon that would be one thing.
But I did it in the kitchen, the chef did it in the kitchen,
so that person will wear this bandage for the shame of it all.
Well, this book is not gonna help us.
But I've seen vortexes like that before.
You know, this job would be so much easier
if there weren't so many roses.
What's with all the roses?
I think Jason thinks that he's losing me and as an empath,
I don't know who's feeling what anymore and I just have my guard up.
You should know that the vortexes suck their victims
into pocket realms or alternate realities.
You know, sometimes guys can be funny like that, you know.
The more you pull away, the more they come back at you.
Yeah, but I'm not pulling away. I really like him.
Dangerous alternate realities, people.
Based on fantasies. Desires. Dreams.
So stop worrying about it and let him wine and dine you.
I mean, a little wooing never killed anyone.
But a demon can, so can we please,
please, let's focus.
Piper, you were almost sent to another world.
That takes serious magic.
Magic. Brilliant idea.
Let the object of objection become but a dream
As I cause the scene to be unseen
Well, call me butter because I'm on a roll.
Wow, that's much better. Thanks, Paige.
Yep, well, gotta get back to the temp job.
Don't know how much longer those old folks are gonna be alive.
And I'll walk you out because
-I have to meet Jason for lunch. -Yo!
No. No, no. We have a demon to hunt. Get back here!
See you later, Chris. We'll talk about it later.
You are our new favorite whitelighter and all, but you need to lighten up.
No, you three need to get serious.
If you keep putting your personal lives before your Wiccan duties,
-you're gonna pay for it. -Maybe so, but not today.
I scared away the demon, he's not coming back,
I have friends coming and I also have chocolate chip cookies in the oven.
It's your fault I have to do this now.
-You! -Wait, before you...
Would you just relax? I didn't come here to vanquish you.
How did you find me here? No one's ever been to my lair.
I didn't have to find you, Gith. I know you.
From the future.
I came here to give you what you want.
The Charmed Ones.
So I'm sitting there in the middle of this board meeting
and I completely lose all concentration because all I can think about is you.
It's like they were speaking a foreign language.
Well, you were in Hong Kong.
The point is, I flew straight back.
So you could regain your concentration?
To concentrate on you.
Well, I will try to keep your mind from wandering.
What's it gonna be tonight,
box seats at La Bohème or backstage at Metallica?
Phoebe? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Could you...?
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, I've been watching you on TV all week.
You were huge.
Oh, well, the TV does add ten pounds.
Oh, no, no...!
Oh, there it is, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that at all.
-No, I know what you meant. -Okay.
Thank you. Bye.
She's right, you know. You could be huge.
I'm taping my last show today.
It doesn't have to end.
I own TV stations all around the world.
Are you offering me the world, Jason Dean?
Yes. All except Kazakhstan, I don't have stations there.
Look, I appreciate you hopping your jet to see me.
And the roses, all ten dozen of them,
and the shows and the dinners
and the private concert by the San Francisco Symphony.
-But...? -No.
No buts. I like you.
I like you a lot, and you don't have to try so hard.
-I know. -You do?
You're a very easy girl to please and I love that about you.
But have you ever stopped to consider that
maybe I enjoy doing these things for you?
No, actually, that never occurred to me.
I don't like to talk about it,
but you're dating a minor media mogul here, so can I make a suggestion?
Sure.
Let go. Lose control a little bit.
Trust me and just enjoy the ride.
You mean, let you drive?
I don't know, I'm not a very good...
Passenger.
Oh, look, Daddy's here.
-We need to talk. -No, you need to orb.
There are diapers in the bag. Here.
Wyatt is very excited to spend the afternoon with you.
Was that a sneeze? Are you feeling all right, buddy?
Daddy will heal you up right away and then take care of Mommy's hand.
No, no, no. No magic, really.
He has a common cold and babies need to develop immunities.
Not when his father's a miracle worker.
No, really. If I'm gonna lead any kind of a normal life,
there will be no healing for any of us.
So you just want him to suffer.
Don't be so dramatic.
If he had a serious illness, I would be the first one to call you.
But he doesn't, so in the meantime,
just watch him and fret, like a normal person.
Now go.
Well, that's... I can't take Wyatt today.
You can't take Wyatt? What do you mean?
You asked to take Wyatt.
You know, father-son bonding.
Yeah, that was until I found out about this.
Do you know where Chris got it?
A swap meet?
He killed for it.
The Valkyrie who owned this pendant was murdered.
Leo, this is not cool.
I have people coming here in ten minutes.
Chris isn't who he says he is.
I know he banished me to Valhalla and this proves it.
You know what, Leo?
Nothing will ever change with you. You always find a way
to make your job more important than your family.
Taking care of my family is my job, Piper.
And right now I need to find out what Chris is up to.
You must think I'm pretty low on the evolutionary ladder.
-That's not true. -A minor horned demon,
a lesser slime devil.
Just another common fiend with no power.
I have the greatest respect for your power.
Then don't insult me.
Whitelighters don't kill their charges.
Well, I'm not your typical whitelighter.
I came from the future because I need the power of the Charmed Ones.
-To do what? -Not your concern.
All you need to know is they're drifting apart.
How do you mean, "drifting apart"?
They're putting their desires before their duties.
And that makes them useless to me.
You said, "desires"?
You caught that, huh?
That's what you feed off of, right?
Though I never quite understood how one could eat a desire.
Do you know how much energy is contained in an unfulfilled desire?
People spend their whole lives wanting something.
Usually never getting it.
I feed off that energy.
Just think how much power the Charmed Ones must pack.
You... you know their desires.
It's all right here.
With this, no messy vortexes,
you can bring them into your world from the comfort of your own cave.
They'll die, you know. Victims of their own desires.
Is that what you want?
I'm counting on it. Why else would I offer to help?
So good luck.
And for the sake of both our lives, don't screw this up.
"A normal life with normal friends and no magic."
Ask and ye shall receive.
Is that a sneeze?
Okay, I'm gonna put you down here for two seconds.
Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Okay, you're good. You're okay.
-Hi. -Hi.
-It's been too long. -I know.
Oh, I hope you don't mind, a few friends tagged along.
Oh, no, not at all, Elizabeth said you might be bringing a few friends.
-Hi. -Hi, how are you?
-Five. -Hello. Oh, I can't wait.
-Or eight. -Oh, see, I told you,
-you should have called her. -Oh, no, no, really, it's fine.
You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do this.
Okay. Living room, girls.
They're all dying to see my new line of lingerie.
-Oh, you design lingerie? -You're gonna love it.
Oh, sure, just as long as I don't have to try any of it on.
Well, you'd look silly if you did.
You don't have what it takes to fill the pouch.
The pouch?
Meet my models.
Sorry. Hi.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the pouch.
So where can we change?
-My bedroom's free. -Right this way.
Come on, honey.
And abracadabra.
Where's the... The rabbit?
The rabbit died last year, dear.
What?
Charlie.
Okay, somebody call 911.
It's his heart. Charlie, can you hear me?
Hold on, Mr. Rolls, we're calling an ambulance.
We haven't got time for an ambulance, he needs help now.
All right, I can get him there faster, but everybody's gotta clear the room.
-I can't leave his side. -Please, he's gonna die.
Just use your magic and orb him to the hospital.
How do you know?
I think it's a good idea, you should orb him.
-You know too? -That you're a witch?
-Everybody knows. -Yeah.
-Yes. -Please.
We're running out of time.
All right, all right, just keep it a secret.
Of course.
Hey.
I can't believe I'm taping my last show today.
This week just flew by.
Usually happens when you're having a good time.
Yeah, I have to admit, it has been fun.
Thank you, Bret.
You know, it doesn't have to end.
Oh, don't start with that again.
Miss Halliwell, you're on in 30 seconds.
Okay.
You said you'd enjoy the ride.
-Right. -So enjoy it.
When you step out on that stage today, don't hold back.
I want you to lose yourself in the moment, okay?
-You might be surprised. -But I don't like surprises.
Okay, you know the drill.
And we're going in five... four...
three... two...
Hi.
Welcome to the show.
Welcome to my show.
-That was amazing. -You were amazing.
To be in front of a live audience like that and feel all the passion.
-So you liked it? -How did you pull it off so fast?
I bought off a lot of people.
-Did you buy them too? -No, those belong to you.
They've been here all week to see you.
-Blake, can you stay close? -No problem.
-Who's Blake? -Your bodyguard.
What? I thought he was a grip.
Hi. There you go.
Thanks. Oh, they're beautiful, thank you.
Hi. There you go.
You saved my marriage.
My Janie was gonna leave me until I read your column.
Thank you so much.
-You're welcome. -It's like walking with Gandhi.
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
-Let's go. -What is this?
Thank you, Blake.
Jason, I appreciate everything you're trying to do for me
but a lot of this doesn't make sense.
Like, I swear those people weren't here a few hours ago.
And the elaborate stage, how did you get them to...?
Hey, you promised.
I know, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Home, Blake.
I got a big surprise for you.
Wait, bigger than all of this?
Phoebe! Phoebe! I love you, Phoebe!
We need to talk.
Sorry, not now.
Oh, yeah, now.
Look familiar?
-I don't have time for this. -You had time to kill a Valkyrie.
Whitelighters don't kill, or did you not read the manual?
But it's all right for an elder?
You have Valkyrie blood on your hands.
Fighting to protect the sisters.
You went out, hunted a Valkyrie to steal her magic.
Oh, so that makes you the noble one, right?
Face it, Chris, I got you this time.
Enough to get your whitelighter status stripped
and your soul sent back down to Earth for recycling.
-You do what you have to do. -I already did.
I arranged a hearing with the elders tonight.
I expect this will be your last day as a whitelighter.
That's... quite possible.
Excuse me.
Why are you making a vanquishing potion?
To help the sisters.
-Why aren't they making it? -Because they're busy.
-I can't sense them. -Don't worry. I'm on it.
You know, if I can't sense them,
-it means they're not in this world. -I said, I'm on it.
Where are you going?
To bring them back, now lay off.
Till I find out what's going on, I'm not gonna let you out of my sight.
You don't trust me, fine. I get it. But get this.
If I don't show up where I'm supposed to be, alone,
they'll die. Your call.
Hey. They said I could come back.
Is Charlie gonna be okay?
Thanks to you.
No, thanks to the doctors. I was just his cosmic taxi.
Oh, Paige, you saved his life.
Well, it felt nice to help out.
I'm just curious, how did you know that I had a...
...a power?
A power?
You mean your magic?
Okay, let's keep it down because it's just our secret.
Oh, Paige, don't be shy. Your magic's a godsend.
Well, if you hadn't been a witch, I would be a...
I'd be a widow right now.
Okay, just don't say "witch." Someone might hear you.
So, what if they do? This ain't Salem, honey.
There's no shame in being a witch today.
You should use your magic with pride.
That's great design detail there.
Thanks, I try to use the natural contours of a man's body
along with clean, simple lines to convey an image
of sensuous sophistication.
I just think it's hot.
It doesn't provide a lot of support, though, now does it?
That's the point.
So you guys do this a lot?
You mean stare at half-naked men under a socially accepted pretense?
-Yeah. -Every chance we get.
Our lives used to be very Sex and the City,
then we got married, had kids, and it's Celibacy in the Suburbs.
I've just missed so much, haven't I?
I guess you could say that.
Oh, speaking of families, I think all this noise woke up Wyatt.
-I'll be right back. -Yeah.
Hey, hey, bud, you're okay.
What's the matter? Come here.
You're all right.
Actually, you're burning up a little.
Come here, come here.
Okay.
Look, look, look. Let me see.
A hundred and two?
That's not good.
Leo!
Leo, come on, Wyatt needs you.
No of fence, Blake.
-We're alone. -I wasn't joking
when I said I wanted to give you the world, Phoebe.
That live audience wasn't just to impress you,
that was a test run for a nationally syndicated talk show starring you.
What? Are you kidding me?
I have commitments from my O&O's, that's 12 major TV markets.
And don't worry, once they see the test run,
everybody in the country's gonna want to Ask Phoebe, live.
-So, what do you think? -I think this is moving very fast.
Yeah, isn't it great?
We're coming to the penthouse.
Penthouse? I thought you were taking me home.
That is your home. Well, it's your new home.
Phoebe!
-Oh, my God! -Phoebe!
Okay, Jason, enough is enough here.
I know this is all coming from a really good place
but you can't just take over my life.
I'm not even sure I want to star in my own...
We need to get inside.
Clear a path.
Where did all these people come from?
Back up.
Phoebe, I've read every one of your columns.
-They're on all my walls. -Great, thank you.
-This is too much. -Isn't it great?
I don't think any of this is real, I think something's wrong.
-What? -I said I think something is wrong.
My wife left me because of you!
No, wait. Phoebe.
Yeah, I never posed for that.
See, this isn't my world.
Do you know how much pain you caused me?
This isn't even my fantasy.
Wait till you see the penthouse I bought you,
-it's got the best bay views of the city. -No, we can't go in there.
I know this isn't gonna make any sense to you,
but I don't think any of this is real,
I think we're in some kind of alternate reality.
What are you talking crazy for, Phoebe? This is real, it's me.
I'm real.
Gun!
It's time for you to feel pain!
We gotta get you inside.
I don't understand.
Something wrong?
The boyfriend took the bullet. It was meant for the witch.
You tried to kill one of them already?
I create worlds. I don't control them.
They work in their own way, in their own time.
But this is the first time a victim's ever escaped a direct attempt on their life.
Yeah, well, pretty good, aren't they?
It's okay.
Their desires will kill them eventually.
After all, that is what you desire, isn't it?
Actually...
I could sense your desire from the beginning.
You never wanted to kill your charges, just teach them a lesson.
That's right. Darklighter arrow.
Poison shouldn't take long.
But with luck, you may just live long enough
to watch the Charmed Ones learn their lesson after all.
Okay, Mama's gonna take care of everything right now.
What is this?
No, no, this can't be happening.
Leo, Chris, anybody!
There you are. Is everything okay?
No, Wyatt has a 102 temperature and I think it's getting worse.
Leo, come on, your son needs you!
Honey, Leo's not here.
You two split up, remember?
A hundred and two? Piper, that boy needs a doctor.
-Let me drive you. -No, no, I got it, it's okay.
I heard that woman say you're a witch.
Oh, that. She was just being silly.
You have to help my daughter.
Okay, I've landed in Twilight Zone...
Please.
Okay, that hurts. But I need to wake up now.
Demons attacked us.
I hid Susie. But they're gonna find her.
You're a witch, you can save her.
Okay, this can't be happening.
Chris, I need some help here.
Please.
She's just a little girl.
Okay, it's gonna be okay.
Tell me where you left her.
Fireball.
Where are you?
Pipe.
Susie?
Susie, it's okay.
You can come out now.
It's okay.
Your mom sent me.
That's it. It's all right.
It's okay.
Okay.
Let's get you out of here.
This can't be real.
Okay, it's real, go wait in there.
Hey, you.
Looking for me?
-Anyone else? -Look out!
What the hell is going on?
You're gonna be okay, baby. We're gonna get you out of this.
Leo!
Who are you calling?
My brother-in-law. He's a healer.
No of fence, babe, but I don't think he can hear you.
Isn't Blake calling 911?
Yeah, he is.
I know this isn't gonna make a lot of sense to you
but I don't think this world is real, you know?
I don't know if there are paramedics here.
-This world isn't real? -Yeah. If I had to guess...
...I would say it's a world of desire. But it's not my desire, it's your desire.
I can feel how much you want all of this for me.
It's true, Phoebe.
I want everything for you, including sanity.
So if I die, promise me you'll see a doctor.
You're not gonna die.
We're gonna get you out of here.
An empath.
You didn't tell me the middle sister was an empath.
Sorry.
She must have been feeling his desire when I created her world.
It's no matter. My worlds always kill their victims.
You know why? Because desires are empty.
They lack foundation.
This world will fall too. It's only a matter of time.
I'm getting thirsty.
Okay, I'll try to see if I can find something.
No!
Jason?
Thanks.
Fireball!
Welcome to my world.
Wait, you have a world too?
Yeah. All magic, all the time, just what I wanted.
So you figured it out.
Well, yeah, if you mean the whole "vortex of deadly desires" thing.
-How'd you escape? -I have no idea.
It just sort of happened. But I have to go back there
because Jason was shot and I just left him there.
Paige, I gotta get back.
Yeah, we definitely need to get out of here,
but I think we need Piper to do that.
Damn.
You're gonna be okay. We're almost there. Okay?
Okay, I think they're gone.
How are we gonna find Piper?
I don't know, maybe try feeling her?
The demon created these worlds by using our emotions, right?
I don't know, maybe use him as a conduit to tap into her feelings.
Okay, it's worth a shot.
You getting anything?
Oh, I'm smelling something...
-Bless you. -Thanks.
-Okay, try again. -Okay.
-Over there. -Okay.
Go that way, man. All right.
-You okay? -I feel her.
She's really scared and she needs our help.
These worlds were fueled by our desires, right?
Well, our desire is to find her.
Okay, so maybe our combined desires can actually...
-...bring us to her, right? -Yeah.
-Focus, focus, focus. -Focus.
You've ruined everything.
Now they'll find the oldest sister and come for me.
Unless I get to her first.
You're not demon enough to kill me.
The sweetest desire of them all.
The desire to survive.
-You okay? -Yeah, it's about time
-you guys showed up. -Athame!
Yeah, sorry, no magic here.
How does that shoulder feel?
Come on. We gotta get out of here. We gotta get out.
There's nowhere to run.
You're in my world!
-Where are we? -Who cares?
-Where's Jason? -Jason?
Yeah, he was in my world and he should have come out
when we got the demon, right?
-You sure it was really Jason? -I don't know, what do you mean?
In my world, there's all these people that I knew in the old folks' home,
maybe your Jason is just a creation of your world.
God, I hope so.
Wyatt needs help.
Oh, my God, so does he.
-He's still breathing. -Leo!
You're back. Where were you?
Heal now, ask later.
His fever's down.
He should sleep pretty well tonight.
Yeah, he had quite a day.
You're okay.
Well, I'm glad you made it out of that other world all right.
Yeah, and you have Chris to thank for that.
Chris.
Yeah, well, he should have taken me with him to that cave,
or at least told me where my family was.
Leo, give him a break.
He earned it today.
So, what about you? I heard your social life was interrupted again.
Yeah. But you know, there's always tomorrow.
-You never give up, do you? -No. Not a chance.
I firmly believe there will be one day
without demons, magic or pocket realms.
Good night, Piper.
Hey, before you go, could you do me a favor?
You want me to heal your hand?
I thought you wanted a normal day.
Yeah, I did.
And apparently that's not gonna be today.
-Hey. -Hey.
-How are you feeling? -Better, thanks.
So it's almost time for my hearing with the elders.
I thought I'd give you the pleasure of taking me in personally.
Yeah, well, maybe I'll...
...just give you this instead.
I don't understand.
Neither do I. Just take it before I change my mind.
Thanks for trying to warn us about the demon.
We should have listened to you in the first place.
As long as you learned something at the end of the day,
that's all that matters. Right?
Right.
Hey, I got your message. You sounded so...
-Are you all right? -Yeah.
I just needed to see you.
And feel my back.
-You're okay. -My doctor will be pleased.
Listen, now that I have you here, I have a surprise for you.
No, no, this is good. The station manager's a friend of mine,
and we got to talking about you.
-Now, Phoebe... -That's not what I want.
-You don't know what I'm gonna say. -Yeah, I think I do.
And I appreciate the gesture.
But I have everything I want right here.
You do?
Yeah, I do.
You've got me, Jason Dean.
I'm yours.
So no more wooing.
Okay, no more wooing.
I guess I'll cancel our helicopter to Carmel for dinner.
No, no, no, maybe a little bit more wooing.