It began as a singularity...
The entire universe compressed into a space the size of a proton.
Then the Big Bang blew it apart!
Matter converted from energy...
Swirled and compressed itself into stars.
Red giants...
and tiny white dwarfs.
Stars congealed into galaxies...
massive nebula and timeless spiral clusters...
spinning faster and faster into the endless void.
Black holes arose, swallowing matter.
Constellations filled the night sky.
Libra.
Sagittarius.
Stifficus.
Planets took form.
Moons arose.
Atoms formed molecules.
Then molecules formed life...
throughout the universe...
alien creatures, hideous in form.
The earth took form.
Then God appeared...
and God's voice was heard.
Shut up, you stupid monkey.
And then a single-celled organism...
evolved on Earth...
into the highest form of intellect known to God:
Man!
It was one of those days you never forget.
I'd arrested Osmond Bin Laden at a Lakers-Knicks game.
Now I was back in DC on the QT...
making my way ASAPto HQ when I heard the APB.
All available units to Big Joe's. Hostage situation.
- Unknown number of armed terrorists. - The Washington PD...
needed my expert negotiating skills...
perfected by years of volunteer service...
with the pet rescue division.
Coaxing cats out of trees and gerbils out of holes...
made you smart about a lot of things.
This is the Washington police force. There is no way out.
You have five minutes to give yourselves up...
and counting!
You're surrounded. Throw down your arms now!
Come out! We got you!
Yeah, and we got burgers and hostages and fries!
I'm not ordering food. I'm ordering you to give yourselves up.
And I'm ordering one car for seven people to go, and one plane.
- One plain what? - One plain plane with pilot.
- Hold the crew. - I want those hostages now!
- One hostage, coming up. - What the...
Those hostages were my new gerbils...
and they needed Marshal Dick Dix to get them out.
Oh, shit!
Dix, this is police business. You have no jurisdiction here.
Now get lost!
All right!
Let's play a little game of Simon Says.
Good. Simon says get your hands over your head and line up in front of me.
Hurry it up!
Let's go.
What are you, a bunch of fanatics? You hate this country?
You're mad just because we don't play soccer here?
But, Mr. Simon, we're the hostages.
Who do you think you're talking to? A dummy?
These hardworking immigrants are the backbone of this country.
They take jobs that nobody else takes.
They're the ones who put the dam on the Hoover...
the ones who put the railroad ties over the Great Divide...
and they did it with a smile.
They weren't mad at anybody.
Oh, no. Don't lower yourself to their level.
I'll take care of this.
They'll get a fair trial, and then we'll string 'em up.
Fire the tear gas!
I'm going to kill him!
- There he is! - Dix!
- Tell us what happened.
This situation was not created by the police.
It was created by people who were getting in the way of the police.
The police are not here to create disorder.
The police are here to protect disorder.
You come back here!
Marshal Dix!
There's nothing better than a job well done...
and delicately handled.
Now it was time to meet the big boss, Secretary Osgood.
I loved my job. Every day was different.
Every assignment was different.
Everything about the department was different.
Hold it right there!
Enough. Stop. Stop!
This is not respectful to the deceased.
This ain't funeral music. Come on.
To the untrained eye, this place looked like...
the normal bullpen of any old precinct.
But hidden deep within the bowels of this building...
grave matters of state were at play.
Dix. Come on in.
- Good to see you, my boy. - Good to see you, Mr. Secretary.
This is Cassandra Menage, executive officer on Vegan.
- Hi. - How do you do?
Good.
Miss Menage is in charge of human and alien affairs.
- That some kind of dating service? - No.
She oversees our sensitive alien operations.
Well, there's nothing sensitive about them.
You need more men. Tighten up the border patrols.
I'm talking about alien aliens.
Alien aliens.
- The ones from outer space? - Yes.
Vegan is a lunar base, just like Area 51...
but shielded from Earth by a reflective bubble.
There are plenty of aliens there. Cassandra files classified reports...
to the various international governments...
involved in the project, ours included.
This latest one she's delivered in person.
If what she says is true, the future of our planet is at stake.
That could be serious.
I know it smells funny, but the president of the United States...
has been kidnapped and is being held captive on Vegan.
The man in the White House is a clone.
Just a minute. It says, "The man in the White House is a clown."
Clone.
- Clone. That's what it says here. - Yeah, I know. That's my report.
This isn't a joke, Dix.
I know that, sir.
It's just that I saw the president on television the other night.
- That wasn't the president. - She's right.
We're all set up for memory recapture.
Have a seat, Marshal.
Cassandra, your brain waves will be transmitted to the screen...
so we'll be able to see exactly what you saw and heard.
When you're ready, I want you to tell us what happened.
Close your eyes.
Relax. Let your unconscious take over.
Let your mind go blank.
Dix! You need to watch the screen.
I'd gone to the Vegan mines to investigate a grievance by a miner.
After a lot of turns and twists, I realized I was completely lost.
My way was blocked by a cave-in.
Then I noticed light coming through a crack in the wall.
I moved forward and found myself in a room...
overlooking some kind of an operating theater.
A man was talking in an alien dialect...
so I switched the Auto-Trans to English...
to see if I could recognize his voice, but I couldn't.
I will get that silicon for you if you make me leader of the new world.
By using DNA building blocks...
I will create clones of existing world leaders...
who will follow our orders.
Activate the cloning machine.
And now for our latest clone creation.
A world leader admired by all.
And there he was, Groucho Marx.
And what happened next was more frightening still.
In Washington, the man in power, the president, is a clone... our clone.
Now, let me introduce you to his predecessor...
the real president of the United States.
Now, with our clone in control, we will take your Earth...
and all its silicon too.
Then it's hasta la vista!
Bastards!
And that's when I ran as fast as I could.
They took the president, took his DNA and put an impostor in the White House.
Kidnapping, robbery and fraud. That's what I call breaking the law.
Dix, I want you to go to Vegan to make a routine inspection.
I'll arrange the clearances.
If the president is there, find him and bring him back.
Remember, the implications here are very grave.
Any mistakes, even fumbles, will be denied at this end.
As far as we're concerned, you're acting on your own.
And when you and Miss Menage meet again on Vegan...
you've never seen each other before.
- Is that clear? - I've forgotten already.
It'll take me a little longer than that.
- That's so nice. - Thank you.
Always had a good memory, even as a boy.
- Well, Marshal... - Miss...
- Menage. - Menage.
Congratulations, Miss Menage.
Richard, if you don't stop pulling your thing...
you're gonna go blind!
But I like pulling on it, Mom.
Mrs. Dix, your son is rapidly losing his sight...
and we don't know why.
Mom, meet my new girlfriend.
Richard, you gotta wear your glasses.
I have the utmost faith in you, Marshal Dix.
- Have a good flight. - Thank you, Mr. Secretary.
I think this must be broken.
I didn't have a lot of time.
I had to catch a plane to Cape Kennedy, then the shuttle to Vegan...
and avoid any pressing delays.
The department was gonna have to dive in at the deep end...
because I was headed for the moon to maybe rescue...
the president of the United States.
Artificial Gravity Enabled.
Warning: Artificial gravity may cause hallucinations.
Warning: Artificial gravity...
off.
Please remember to lower the seat.
This should help beam me up.
I've got to get back to my ship.
Scotty, Bones, Mr. Spock. Where the hell are you?
Secretary Osgood was right when he told me...
there were plenty of aliens on Vegan...
but he'd forgotten to tell me how butt-ugly they were.
They were ugly from any direction.
The rules: Smuggling or assisting any alien back to Earth...
means immediate imprisonment.
- Open your bag, please. - Yo, is that Marshal Dix?
Everything's all right. He's police. Lieutenant Shitzu, Vegan Security.
- "Misswick." - Miss Who?
"Misswick". M-S-W-I-C?
I'm the Mother-Sucker-Who's-In-Charge.
Is this your bag?
- I'm writing a book. - Welcome to Vegan, Marshal Dix.
That's right, isn't it, Dix? As in more than one dick.
It's good to be some place where your feet will do what you tell them to.
Attention! Attention!
Sensors have detected an alien hiding in a human life-form.
This is strictly forbidden. Repeat: This is strictly forbidden.
Coming out. Come on, boys. Let's go.
- Get your monkey ass down. - What's going on?
- That fool's a conversion. - Do you need holy water for that?
When these brothers first came here...
we didn't know they planned to use conversions to take over the earth.
- Okay, men. - Lucky for us...
our asses were saved due to the sounds of our modern life.
Arcade, TV, rap, hip-hop... all that irritatin' shit.
Suck him up!
High-pitched sounds makes these suckers explode.
Close the lid.
Everybody all right?
Good.
I am Captain Valentino Di Pasquale.
- I don't speak alien. - Alien?
He ain't kickin' no alien, jive-ass lingo.
He's trying to show you some love, know what I mean?
- He try to speak in piccolo ebonico. - Pickle what?
No disrespect, but y'all up in this ice cream. You don't know the flavor.
What do you think, that I don't speak plain English?
Please, my father was from Brooklyn.
- What's he... - Yo, man, did years in Vegas, babe.
Who can take the sunrise Yeah. Right back, babe.
- That guy's right. - Yeah!
Marshal. This way.
Our operation and research director...
Dr. Pratt, is standing by to show you around.
Base commander couldn't be here. Sorry, he said, but he's playing golf.
- Sir. - Everything is okay?
- Yes, sir. - Good. That means nothing works.
But he did ask me to escort you to a reception here tonight.
Yeah. One strónzo alien less.
Dr. Pratt?
- Yes, Lieutenant. - You scared me again. You got me.
You keep getting me each time.
- This is Marshal Dix. - Oh, yes. Right on time.
I'll never understand these inspections. What are we looking for this time?
Routine.
Perhaps you may be interested in seeing...
- My pičce de résistance? - Piece of what?
My scale replica of the entire complex.
Here's the entrance to the mines...
the administration complex, the spaceport... all the details.
Now, we are here.
No! Don't touch.
It's very delicate.
Doctor, the next time you're on Earth, I'll show you the model plane I made.
I certainly look forward to that.
- Here's your report, Dr. Pratt. - Thank you.
Gentlemen, my assistant, Yetta Pussel.
Gentlemen.
I requested a copy...
of the last routine inspection you people made.
Follow me. Now.
All our research is carried out here.
Our study of silicon, for example.
Abundant on Earth. Nonexistent on many other planets.
For most aliens, it's life-supporting... like food is to us.
Hence our ongoing conflict with them and our tight security here.
- Works real good on the old Johnson. - "Johnson"? PresidentJohnson?
There are no presidents on Vegan, Marshal.
I'm afraid we're being battered by a mistaken sense of humor.
- All right, my main man, Marshal Dix. - Okay.
- All right. - Dr. Uschi Künstler...
Senior Base Science Officer.
- Doctor. - Yes.
Of psychology, parapsychology and solar proctology.
I also supervise genetic replication.
Clones?
Are those clones?
No, just plain old-fashioned rabbits.
But we've made major advances with sheep.
Molly, for instance, was created only yesterday.
The exact age and likeness of Dolly, her mother-in-law.
- Can you do that with human beings? - No, that's not allowed.
It's strictly against international policy.
I should hope so. It's against my policy too.
I was in the marines.
Now...
Careful.
That's the rapid cloning switch.
You tamper with that, and we'd be overrun with all kinds of animals.
We've arranged for our Officer of Human/ Alien Affairs...
Cassandra Menage, to show you to your quarters.
I'm headed in that direction. Maybe the marshal and I can go down together...
I've just met him.
Yes, from what I can see...
he'll be absolutely fine.
Turbo power enabled.
Welcome to Vegan, Marshal Dix.
Glad to be here.
The very person we wanted to see.
This is Marshal Dix.
He's...
He's here...
He's here on a routine inspection.
Yes, I can see that.
Menage. Cassandra Menage.
Nice to meet you.
The marshal...
The marshal needs to be accommodated.
Marshal, you can let me down now.
Perhaps you can take care of his needs?
Does he have any needs left to be taken care of?
Well, it was nice meeting you, Marshal Dix.
Thank you. Me too.
- Marshal, if you please. - In the space of two hours...
I checked into the room I'd be sharing with Captain Di Pasquale...
unpacked my stuff and then sent Cassandra off to the library...
to look for base construction plans...
that might lead us to the location of the secret cloning lab.
And now armed with a dead-on, crime artist's sketch of the alien...
I'd seen on Osgood's recapture screen...
I was ready for a little lunar socializing and snooping.
What are you doing?
I'm your escort. I'm keeping tabs on you.
Take your hand out of my pocket.
Go keep tabs on somebody else.
Hey, champagne.
He said he was my twin brother.
Oh, waiter? AJ B, please?
Bulk up with more carbohydrates.
Apparently some of these aliens learned English...
by monitoring movies on our TVtransmission satellites.
They all sure sounded like Hollywood actors. Yup.
Even in outer space, everyone wants to be a star.
I think I've seen the alien that was in the caves.
Yes, me too.
- There. - And Maria.
Who are you wearing?
- Two? - Yeah.
Marshal Dix, there you are.
How do you do?
Commander Cecil Humphrey Wickernuts.
My wife, Oona Hottenlocker-Wickernuts.
So, you're from Washington!
I do hope you'll put in a good word for us.
What's that?
I found it on the floor.
It's Grop. Yes, yes.
No, no, it's Drong.
- No, wait... - You know they say the all look alike.
We're throwing a party for everyone tomorrow at the club.
Do join us.
Miss Menage here will be singing too.
What a voice she has!
- True nightingale. - Thank you.
Miss Menage. Enchanté.
Excuse us, won't you? There's something I'd like you to look at.
- Excuse me. - Of course.
- Excuse me. - Yo, excuse me too.
So, Marshal Dix, you gonna be my new roommate, eh?
You see, this is a good way to know where your food has been first.
- Excuse me. - Please.
I thought you might like to hear how the alien courtesy center is coming along.
It was your idea, you may remember.
Perhaps you'd like to come and see some of my renderings.
I'd be happy to.
All erections on Vegan are...
rubber-stamped by me, you know.
That must keep you busy.
Hey there, you ever done it monkey style?
Too bad. It could have been a hairy ride.
Oh, my God! My dress!
She can sleep on my planet anytime.
Do you like the music?
I love the sound of the flutes. I play a little...
myself.
Dr. Pratt? Is...
Is this yours?
- Where did you get that? - It was on the floor.
Thank you.
Come this way.
Let's sit here, shall we, Miss Menage?
Waiter.
Excuse me.
Hi. Excuse me.
I don't think these false eyelashes become you.
Spoilsport.
- Ah, delicious. - Thank you.
Excuse me, Dr. Pratt.
Captain Pasquale is going to take me back to the apartment.
- You can reach me there if you need me. - Okay.
- Good night. - Good night, Dix.
- Excuse me. - Yeah.
Thank you. I thought I'd never get rid of him.
- Leave now before he gets back. - Okay. Thanks.
Miss Menage has gone back to her apartment.
- She's got a headache. - Really. That's too bad.
Oh, yeah. It's real bad.
Yeah.
It is important in life to have two boxes.
One for food, and one for fun.
As you can see, I am not only a master of the buffet.
I'm also a master of disguise.
All kinds. Look.
Very good.
- What? - The final touch.
Now, Marshal, you don't gonna believe to your eyes.
Look my special magic makeup.
- You like it? - Ah, very good.
I know.
Oh, sorry.
Let me unzip your face.
The telephone.
- Yes? - I'm at Pratt's. It's all clear.
I got over there faster than a speeding bullet, if you know what I mean.
If any plans existed on Vegan that could lead us to the human cloning lab...
and the kidnapped president...
I was sure this is where they would be.
My job was to get in, get the plans and get out...
as quickly and quietly as possible.
- Cassandra? - Yes.
- I'm in. - Roger.
It's all clear down here.
I saw lights flashing in your office...
and someone was dancing the cancan.
Right. Let's have a look, shall we?
It's Pratt.
I'm coming. I'm on my way.
What kind of man would do something like that?
I know exactly what kind of man, Dr. Künstler.
And I promise you, he's going to pay dearly for this.
Very dearly.
Who is it?
This is Dr. Pratt.
I want a few words with you, Marshal.
Yes?
I don't have all day. Just open the door, will you?
I'll be a moment, Dr. Pratt.
Dix, I have a bone to pick with you.
Open this door now!
Open the door!
Just putting on my trousers.
Just cleaning yourself up, are you, Marshal?
You are shaving, aren't you?
Yes. I shave my whole face. My whiskers grow pretty fast.
- Does it really? - I start very early...
when I have an important function to attend, like the one this evening.
Come in. Good to see you, Doctor.
Let go of my hand, Dix!
- Oh, my. - What are you doing?
You fool! Let go of me! What are you doing to me?
Look at me! What are you doing? Dix, you imbecile!
Stop it!
There's something I want you to know.
I know who you are, and I know why you're here...
but you are never, never going to find him!
The man behind this whole thing is Dr. Griffin Pratt.
He as much as told me he's got the president prisoner.
He even challenged me to go find him.
He's as guilty jam lips kissing a fruit tart.
- Pratt. - Yup.
- We have to be very careful. - Yeah.
I gotta go change now. See you later.
Think I'll skip this one.
You and Shitzu keep an eye on Dr. Pratt tonight.
Please.
Marshal Dix wants us to keep an eye on Dr. Pratt.
Why Dr. Pratt?
I don't know, but I do know what I better do right now. Excuse me.
Ooh, what a line!
- Zip it, wacko! This is a bar! - Sorry.
The piss hole's over there! Buzz off. Put your pecker in line, you yutz!
Your Majesties and humble beings, let's hear a warm Vegan welcome...
for our star attraction, Miss Cassandra Menage.
Baby, baby, let's get together
Honey, honey, me and you
And do the things Oh, do the things
That we like to do
Oh, do a little dance
Make a little love
Get down tonight Get down tonight
Baby, baby
I didn't think anyone could take my mind off of Pratt...
but suddenly there she was onstage...
a woman who could take anyone's mind off of anything.
She had the deep nurturing instincts and strong family things...
that make her the ideal mother for any unplanned child.
Cassandra was a nightingale.
The old saying, "Wet birds never fly at night"...
I think she could fly any time she wanted to.
Make a little love
Get down tonight Get down tonight
There he was, Dr. Griffin Pratt...
a man who could ruin anyone's wet dream.
Suave, cool, with all the moves of a slick ballroom dancer.
It was time for Dr. Pratt...
to find out that he'd met his match...
his intellectual equal.
I was about to arrange that introduction.
Dr. Pratt, you said to me, "There's something I want you to know.
I know why you're here, and I know what you want."
There's something I want you to know. So do I.
- "So do l"? - Yes.
Know why I'm here and know what I want.
We stand here facing each other like ChiefTen Bears and Josey Wales.
- "ChiefTen Bears"? - Yeah.
He would say, "There's iron in your words that you know...
as there's iron in my words that I know.
And there's iron in the words that you ain't livin' if you don't know it."
Turn back to ChiefTen Bears before it's too late.
"ChiefTen..."
Ten Bears.
- And the other one? - Josey Wales.
- Who's he? - Clint Eastwood.
- "Clint Eastwood"? - Yeah.
- Hey! - You are a very convincing thinker.
Let me get back to you on this.
Out of order!
It's 30 minutes I've been waiting here!
Look, carbon-based life, you're gonna have to hold it in.
Damn it!
Get down, get down, get down
Get down, get down tonight
- Yo, man, stand clear. - What is it?
- Another alien conversion? - Close enough.
Get out of my way!
You're goin' to the moon!
Get down, get down get down tonight
Get out of my way!
Ooh! How sweet it is!
Hey, I'm out now! Give me a little traveling music!
What's the celebration about?
You'd be jiggy too, bro, if you only dumped once a year.
Oh, yeah! I'm sleek!
- I'm thin! - Where's Pasquale?
- I hate aliens! - There he is.
Why do they have to eat fava beans?
Okay, fellas, come on. You've been over-served here.
All right. Come on.
- Marshal? - Yeah.
- Marshal. - Yes?
- I have to speak to you. - Is this some kind of performance?
Oh, no. He's a cyborg.
It happens all the time. I'll put him back together in the morning.
He's gonna be just fine. Come on. I need to talk to you.
All right.
Make yourself at home.
I'm going to be right back.
Hello.
Something's going on.
I don't know who's behind it.
I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.
All I know is I know I want you to know.
Well, I'm glad you told me.
Marshal, I know exactly why you're here.
I can help you.
Therefore, you have to trust me.
Did you know that...
a male lion can mate 45 times in three hours?
I don't have a lion. I don't even have a dog.
One of the advantages of working undercover...
was that sometimes things got uncovered...
that you didn't expect to see uncovered...
and you learned about things that you didn't expect to learn about.
Now, whatever Dr. Künstler was trying to hide...
she sure wasn't doing a very good job.
Anything on your mind, Dick?
No.
I'm not even thinking.
Dr. Künstler, get a grip.
That does it. It's time you went home.
I'm at home.
It's time I went home.
Stay.
Don't you want to know what else I know?
No. That stuff about the lion, that was good enough for me.
Oh, there you are.
At last you come.
My God, is that all you people do up here in the evenings?
This is good for sleep, Marshal.
A nice, sweet warm decaf.
Nonfat latte, a touch of mocha, no foam.
- Do you want some? - No, thank you.
I came to see how Valentino was doing after that dreadful thing at the club.
Pretty bad, huh?
I also told him about the president being a prisoner.
- What? - We need all the assistance we can get.
- Yes, but... - Don't worry, Marshal.
The elephant is sitting on my lips.
I say nothing to Lieutenant Shitzu.
I saw you leave the club with Dr. Künstler.
What happened?
Nothing. Strange young lady.
Another wild-goose chase.
I don't know about the wild goose...
but the chase looks like it was very exciting.
No. It is a little cold in here. I think I'll have some of that hot coffee.
Good God! Someone has stolen my zipper!
The atmosphere has no effect on my balance whatsoever, and I...
- Watch your step there. - What?
Houston, we have a problem. She's fallen and she can't get up.
- I thought I told you no contact. - I know, sir...
but I'm convinced that the president is here and is being held prisoner.
The man behind it is Dr. Griffin Pratt.
-Are you sure? - I'm positive.
Mr. Secretary, send up the Galactic National Guard.
- We'll get this cleared up in one day. - Who is it?
No. That's the last thing we want to do.
That would sign the president's death warrant.
You must handle this yourself.
- Get Miss Menage. - Don't fight it, baby!
It's bigger than both of us.
The president's life is at stake, to say nothing of our planet.
What this impostor will say at the heads of state conference...
in Paris on Friday God only knows!
Don't think for a minute that Marshal Dix is doing nothing up here.
He's dealing with one of the most important men...
of the American government.
This guy lives in a big, huge white house...
but I can't tell you who is him.
Cassandra?
Wait a minute.
You mean the president is a prisoner here on Vegan?
- How did you know? - You just told us, man!
- I did not. - Yes, you did.
- I did? - Yes.
- Was that a cough drop you gave me? - No, it was a suppository.
Dr. Griffin Pratt?
I hope you don't think there's anything you missed the other night, Marshal.
Just one thing... you.
You're under arrest. You have a right to remain silent.
Before you say another word, there's something I want you to know.
I've been ordered to reconstitute the president.
Reconstitute? What does that mean?
Drain all his body fluids.
What's that, some sort of enema?
No, no. Drain all his blood...
then reconstitute it into refined plasma...
ready to activate the clone.
- Wouldn't that kill him? - Most certainly.
- I thought so. - Please understand me, Marshal.
The thought of killing the president has kept me up all night.
Well, to be perfectly honest, I may have dozed off once or twice...
so let's say at least half the night.
I don't know how I allowed this to happen. It's very confusing.
I feel drugged or brainwashed or whatever they did to me.
But your words last night about ChiefTen Bears...
and Josey Eastwood...
- Clint Eastwood. - Eastwood brought me to my senses.
And I must undo the damage I've done...
which is why I want to take you to the president and help get him out.
But we'll have to move fast.
Faster than you think. I just came from Cassandra's apartment.
- She's been kidnapped. - Kidnapped? Abducted?
We won't know that till we talk with her.
Up till now, it's just a simple kidnapping.
She left a note in glue on her door.
See? It says, "Help," spelled backwards.
H-E-L-P.
We'd better get moving.
There may be two lives we have to save.
This is the easiest way to get to the president.
But whatever you do, don't touch that button!
- Turbo power enabled. - Get off my face!
Follow me.
Put this on. You'll be less conspicuous.
Mr. Dix, meet the president.
Mr. President?
Is that really you?
That depends on what you mean by the word "is."
Well...
- Are that really you? - Well, of course it's me.
I've been telling these people about my birthmark.
Here, take a look.
I'm the only man who's got a birthmark like that.
It's almost a perfect four-leaf clover.
Yes, sir, it looks like a four-leaf clover.
And if that's not sufficient...
give me the name of someone who plays the saxophone as good as this.
Mr. President, I'm convinced.
My name is Marshal Dix, International Security Force.
I'm here to take you back to Washington where you belong.
Great.
Yeah!
Cassandra, when did you get here?
Surely you didn't think it would be as easy as all that, did you, Dix?
Who would you like to become... a Rodman or a Rodham?
Oh, dear. The president's looking a little upset.
Perhaps we should switch him with Cassandra.
All right. That does it.
You're under arrest. So are these bozos here.
You have a right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be written down and used against you.
Seize them!
Such grace, such poetry.
What a cunning stunt.
Any more from you jerks, and I'll rip your faces off.
I was a sucker for all that romantic talk.
This young woman could not only sing like a dove...
she was blessed with a serene peace that would have been at home...
in a Tibetan monastery.
She had everything.
The delicate footwork of a ballet dancer.
The high kicks of a Rockette.
Boy, did I love those high kicks.
Very impressive, but now, as they say...
it's your turn to bite the dust.
I'm glad you were here. I feel safe with you.
Let's not talk about me. We gotta get out of here.
Follow her, Mr. President, quick!
- Captain Pasquale. - Yes.
See if you can locate Lieutenant Shitzu and Dr. Künstler.
- Yes. - Meet in front of the research center.
- Yes. - We're heading for Washington, DC.
The White House, and bring your makeup case.
Done.
Who was this guy?
Come on, all of you.
Pull yourself together.
Get up. That's it. Good boys.
No, no. Wait. Let them go.
Di Pasquale worked hard and fast to disguise the president...
as Fidel Castro or ZZ Top, take your pick.
Anyway, it was a perfect way to get to Washington.
- Man, this beard itches. - Step back.
- It's me. - Sorry. Come on.
- Thank you. - Step back, please.
I wonder if ZZ Top needs a sax player.
My ship. My crew. Bones. Spock.
It was good to see Washington, DC again...
but we had no time to sightsee.
In a couple of days, that clone clown...
would be shooting his mouth off in Paris.
I'd contacted Secretary Osgood.
He came up with a watertight plan to make the switch.
Okay, guys, time for me to shake hands with little Willie.
Code yellow, gentlemen.
Did you bring an umbrella?
No, just grab him before he takes aim.
You okay there, sir?
- Sir, everything all right? - Yeah, mission accomplished.
Let's rock.
All right. We are in motion.
Di Pasquale disguised the cloned president...
as somebody nobody would think twice about... a dirty, old man.
I'm gonna have the CIA cavity search you all.
Yes!
At the Three Tenors Gala Concert...
in Paris this Friday night...
following the International Heads of State Conference...
I will announce changes that will benefit the future of our world forever.
Good job. Well done, everyone.
Now all that remains is to get our friend off to clone heaven.
We have kept Earth to ourselves...
- For far too long. - What?
In the spirit of intergalactic harmony...
- Hey, that's Dr. Pratt. - Yeah, it's him.
- Yes. - We must be willing to reach out...
Please, there are forces at work here.
Let's just forget about it and move on.
Now, someone give me a hand getting our impostor out of here.
Just a minute. Moving a little too fast here.
I think there are forces at work, but I don't think they're our own.
It's possible that we've been set up to put a clone in the White House.
- And take the real president out. - Right.
- Why are you the president? - Because of the birthmark.
- I saw the birthmark. - Your birthmark proves nothing.
When you're cloned, your birthmark is cloned too.
- Right. - But I don't have a birthmark.
I had it removed three months ago. Personal reasons.
If you'll give me a little help, I'll show you.
- Oh, my God. - Dr. Künstler...
the birthmark should be on the side, not on the front.
You can see where there was something, but there's no birthmark there now.
There's a simple solution.
One dead president.
So, it's not just Dr. Pratt. It's you too.
Very good, Dix.
Now that really was a job well done.
Not well enough done, Mr. President.
Do you know anybody you can trust that can get us to Paris?
Yes.
The president's intent was genuine, but his travel plans didn't fly.
Then, suddenly our luck turned full circle, and we were airborne.
The job was to undo what I had already undone.
There was a clone already in Paris who looked exactly like the president...
and he had a birthmark to prove it.
We had the real president...
but he had removed the birthmark, so we couldn't prove anything.
How it would all be worked out, I didn't know...
but I did know that the president had to make every effort...
to keep his pants on.
Madonna.
How are you? Good to see you. Thank you very much.
Appreciate it. Thank you so much for being here.
Let's see. What is a four-letter word for "word"?
Do you have reservations?
Reservations about being asked if we have reservations.
In America, they have Indians, they have reservations...
but no one asks if they have them.
Bonjour. Yankee Doodle.
- What is that? - That is a hockey cup.
- Hockey? - I use it to play sand hockey...
- In the desert. - Do you have identification?
Prince Yabuti ofJabuti. Good to see you, you son of a...
Take this. It's me... Shitzu.
Good to see you. Oh, my God!
I had to wear this. This is the only outfit Dr. Pratt wouldn't look under.
- You are too conspicuous. - Me? How about you?
- That Arab accent sounds German. - We got Cassandra in the orchestra.
Hey!
Well, it is a rat trap.
Do you have an invitation?
Yes, of course.
How did you...
The Artist Formerly Known As...
It is Prince in disguise.
Excuse me, Mr. Formerly Know As, smile, please.
Wait. You're not the Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
The real artist is over here.
Man, it's the pope. Come on, Dix.
Let's get out of here before he corners me.
Bless you.
Oh, great. They're serving Italian dinner here tonight.
I think I'll have the toreador.
Hi. Yeah.
Yabuti, you camel!
Pay me what you owe me!
That's all right. I'm okay.
- Keep a low profile. - Did he call me a camel?
Hey!
That's mine!
They wanted you to play a saxophone solo after which intermission?
The White House itinerary said after the first intermission...
that I would ride up and appear magically on stage through a trapdoor.
- But we don't have the sax. - We will.
Hey. Hello. Do you wanna taste an ice cream?
It's very good. Take it!
Or maybe you like vanilla. Vanilla is wonderful.
The best Italian flavor... pistachio.
- You like ice cream. - No!
Thank you very much.
My sax! No!
Ice cream!
Gorgonzola.
- Ice cream. - Signora, congratulations.
This is a great ice cream. It's the best...
- You will have to move. - You can't stop commerce. Let it go.
Shit!
I'm sorry, Mrs. President.
No, it was only an accident.
You see, it was only an accident.
Go back to work. All right. Thanks for stopping by.
I see our friends are here.
Do you want an ice cream?
I think we'd better alert the police.
I think I'd better go check to find out what's going on.
Looks like the gang is all here.
Ice cream.
One is disguised as a vendor...
the other one's wearing a French policeman's uniform.
- What? Merde. - Inspector Wazoo.
The president's life may be at stake.
We will search the place from top to bottom.
We knew where they were at the hotel in Washington, didn't we, Osgood?
You had to be there. You were busy being the man in the moon. I was there.
The only place they could possibly make the switch...
is under the stage by the trapdoor lifts.
Let's take a look, shall we?
Let's go get your saxophone and check backstage.
- I wanna look at those trapdoors. - What did theJapanese delegation say?
Oh, you can't understand a word they say.
They said, "Would I enjoy sushi?"
- And? - I said, "Sure thing, man.
Send Susie to my room."
I'm just kidding. You can trust me, baby.
Nice. Good one.
Maestro!
Hey, this isn't rap concert. I hate opera.
Take this.
Ditch the Arab disguises. They're checking everyone.
Fantastic.
Excuse me. Maestro.
Maybe there'll be some costumes under the stage.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
Who cares?
Where are we?
Under the stage. What do you think, it's the roof?
All right, there must be something in here.
You're gonna have to stay in that outfit so you can keep your face covered.
Maybe there's something here for me so we won't look so much like a team.
That's a good idea, Dix.
Seems to be mostly women's clothes here.
Hello?
Oui. Hello.
That's a real nice prop there, Maestro.
- Maestro, is that you? - Yeah, it's the maestro.
It's me.
I heard this big crash. Are you all right?
It was an accident.
I am change my robe as the pharaoh to the robe I use for singing...
the aria for Aida.
I told you they were not right.
You know, this is probably the wrong time...
but could you just sing...
a little note perhaps?
You are gone and lost forever
Molto grande, Clementine
- I'm sorry. These are yours. - No, you keep them as a memento.
They're not the right condom for my beard.
Merci. I will cherish these.
What is this?
The platform. Up and down.
Where can you find pleasure Search the world for treasure
Learn science, technology
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea
Where can you learn to fly Play in sports or skin-dive
Study oceanography
- What the hell's this? -Sign up for the big band
- I want them found! - There's no one...
Shut up, you fool!
I go and rest now and then change my costume for the second act.
When I come back, you had better have caught them or else.
Woman says, "Doctor, I'm sick." He says, "What's wrong?"
She says, "I don't know." He says, "I'll take your rectal temperature."
What is going on here?
I am outraged!
Maestro, I have to thank you again for these.
You see, I kept them close to my heart.
What are you talking about? I did not give you anything.
Besides, my condoms are engraved with my portrait and covered with fur.
These are counterfeits. Out of my way!
Counterfeits? Maestro!
Keep an eye out.
Künstler is one of them. She's a super spy.
I told you she was a super... suppository.
- I knew she was in bed with Pratt. - What?
She had me to her apartment. She did that dance for me.
Rubbed her body all over mine. Used her tongue.
The slut. A lap dance?
Could have been Lapland, Finland, Russia, any of those countries up there.
And what she told me about the lion. They mate 45 times in 3 hours.
- How many times? - Just keep your eye on Künstler.
She's got orders to kill the president if anything goes wrong.
She gets up on the table, he gets behind her. She says...
Wardrobe! Where is my costume?
I know it was here. I hung it myself.
And I'll hang you myself if you don't find it.
Luciano, they have come to hear your voice, not to see your clothes.
You think the French won't notice...
if I'm in the middle of an Italian battlefield...
fighting the Germans, wearing American boxer shorts?
"Hey, Doctor, that ain't my rectum."
He says, "That ain't my thermometer either."
Mr. President, we are ready for you now, sir.
Well, I'm on.
Good luck, snookums.
Mr. President, no birthmark games tonight.
Just remember, you don't have one anymore...
but there's a clone out there who looks exactly like you and he does have it.
So you just keep your pants on.
And keep your fingers crossed that Osgood...
won't remember what he thought he saw in the hotel.
Won't remember what he thought he saw in the hotel.
What he thought that he didn't see what he thought he saw in the hotel.
I was right the first time.
First there was the condoms. Now they've stolen my costume!
- Still cannot find them! - You're on!
Sure.
Rather that he doesn't remember what he thought...
he didn't see in the hotel.
You'll remember he didn't see the birthmark.
Monsieur President, everything is checked and ready.
You can blow your instrument with confidence...
knowing I will be here holding the fart.
Thank you. And now, ladies and gentleman...
it gives me great pleasure to introduce our surprise guest.
- So far so good. - Don't be a pessimist.
I like the way he blows his horn.
My son likes to toot too.
Let's go.
Are you all right?
Here. Catch the saxophone.
What do we do now?
I'll lower the trapdoor, Mr. President. You get on it.
You'll go up, I'll bring the clone down and put the arm on him.
He's good.
- What? - Two?
Me first.
You! You messed things up for the last time!
Here, piggy, piggy. Sooey!
Your presidency's about over.
You've never even been to Arkansas. You imposter!
Yes!
Who is who?
We have here two presidents.
Two of them? My gosh, this could be an intern's nightmare.
Two.
Identical? Yes. But are our memories the same?
Here's something I composed when I was six years old.
No one knows it.
So, now who is the real president?
Okay. How about this one?
I learned it yesterday.
It's not so good. There's your clone, Inspector.
He remembers everything about my life till the time he was cloned...
but nothing afterward.
Right. There's your clone, Dr. Pratt.
You! You're the one who did this to me!
I'm gonna destroy you!
You vermin!
- What should we do? - Lord, give me a sign.
You've got mail.
God said, "Let there be music." On with the show!
Here we go. One...
So much for taking over the world.
I just wanted to rid the world of idiots like you.
Hey, you, do something.
It's fake, like wrestling.
Where is that stage manager?
Look out!
Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
Get me down!
Did you see that?
Come on! Get over there!
Take your hands off me!
Could you do better?
The solution is kill the president.
Holy shit, baby.
Boogie boogie boogie. La la.
I'll be back!
Hasta la vista, baby.
Bastards!
Hey, I'm just a clone.
Ladies and gentlemen, this may have been...
the greatest save of all time.
And the man responsible is from the Interplanetary Security...
Marshal Dick Dix.
Thank you, Mr. President.
You're very welcome, Marshal Dix. The world thanks you.
Yo, man!
Marshal, you were wonderful.
Now I knew what it was like to be a Roman candle on the Fourth ofJuly.
Yet this hero stuff was not for me.
I was ready to get back on the beat, hear the wail of sirens...
and play with my handcuffs and my gun.
Yes, I was ready to plant my flag back in Washington, DC...
where every congressman has the constitutional right to be a felon.
Good old America.
Here's your soup, sir.
- Smells great. - Piss off.
Miserable bird. I should stuff it.
Well, I want to drink a toast.
I want to drink a toast to you.
No, to you. You've made the world a safe place again.
Your high kicks helped out pretty good too.
How is everything on Vegan?
I hear you've gotten a promotion.
Yes. Now I'm responsible for all new erections.
Congratulations. I'm not a bit surprised.
I love spending my vacation on Earth.
This place is so peaceful...
the ocean, the music, product placements.
Are you all right?
Just picking my teeth.
There's something I need to tell you.
I see dead people.
- What? - I see dead people. Look.
Hey, baby.
You're right.
Would you like to hear the dessert specials?
We got silicon hooter pie with whipped cream for you.
We've got silicon lips ice cream for you.
And, yo, we got guns!
- Big guns. - For you.
Gun? Big guns?
Those aren't guns.
This is a gun.
Marshal, you made the world a safe place again, again.
You're so wonderful. You know you could be my father.
Oh, no, that concert was the only time I've ever been to France.