Pssst!
I beg your pardon?
I say, I'm sorry to trouble you, but do you think you could help me?
I may as well tell you now. I make it a point never to give money to strange men in bushes.
Good gracious me, my dear fellow! It's not your money I'm after.
You're not in the Household Cavalry, by any chance?
Good gracious me, no! Nothing like that.
Ah, well, as long as it isn't money, what can I do for you?
Well, it's such a trivial matter, I hardly like to bother you with it.
Come along, man. Out with it.
Well, have you at all, about your person,
the eyetooth of a hippopotamus, a packet of ants' eggs,
and along, buff envelope?
The eyetooth of a hippopotamus, a packet of ants' eggs...?
And along, buff envelope.
What on earth do you want 'em for?
Well, it's such a long story.
Nevertheless, I would like to hear it.
Oh, righto, then. Are you sitting comfortably?
— Yes. — Good. Then I'll begin.
It all happened a long time ago, at the annual general meeting of BUGS.
- BUGS? — Yes, B—U—G—S.
The Bermondsey Universal Geographical Society.
In the chair was Lord Gropefinger,
the well—known explorer.
And so, to sum up...
it has not been a good year for BUGS.
The expedition which we sent off to find the true source of the Nile,
got on the wrong ship at Dover,
and is now working its way back on a tramp steamer from Whitley Bay.
Shame!
Thank you, madam. It is, indeed.
And our Arctic Circle mapping survey all came down with chilblains
three miles north of Watford.
The silver collection on the door tonight has amounted to just under three halfpence.
(Snoring) Hear! Hear!
Thank you, thank you. And unless something is done, and soon,
who knows where we shall be tomorrow?
Hear! Hear!
Half of us don't even know where we are today.
Ah, yes, well... I now yield the floor to...
Lady Airy—Fairy, the well—known society...sport?
Hear! Hear!
Yes. Well, Mr Chairman, it's not good enough, is it?
A fine geographical society this is,
where even the Treasurer gets lost between here and the bus stop.
Well, what do you suggest we do about it?
Well, I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?
All we have to do is something absolutely ripping and spiffing,
and jolly exciting and top—hole.
To boldly go where no man has been before, son of thing.
— Well, that lets Lady Mary out. - Eh?
On the contrary! I suggest we go where man has gone before.
Oh, it's all right. She's back in again.
A heckler! Who are you, sir?
My name is Stanley, the well—known foreign correspondent.
You may remember that, some five years ago,
one of our leading explorers went into the African jungle,
and has never been heard of since.
I think you all know... I think the five of you know to whom I am referring.
Ah, Dr Pavingstone, I presume.
I wish you hadn't said that.
I was going to use that line later.
However, my newspaper is prepared to finance an expedition to look for the missing doctor,
and I hope that your society will give me what I'm looking for.
(Chuckles) Any volunteers?
Well, you can have me, for a start!
(Chuckling)
But let's get the expedition organised first.
Really, Stanley! I meant I shall come with you on the expedition.
What, you? A woman? In the jungle, with nature at its rawest? Alone?
It's unheard—of.
But I shan't be alone. I'll be with you!
Oh, wonderful! Thank you.
Any more volunteers? No. Good. We leave tomorrow.
No, no, no. Just a minute, please.
I suggest you take with you our guest speaker for this evening:
a Great White Hunter, whose name is a byword for trustworthiness and reliability.
— Well, where is he? — He hasn't turned up yet.
Aaaargh!
Ah, er...how...urgh!
How...how do you do, sir?
What a coincidence!
May I present that Great White Hunter, the honourable Richard Darcy?
— How do you do? — How do you do, Darcy, old chap?
How do you do? My friends call me Elephant Dick.
Really?! May I ask why?
I don't know. I'm a butterfly man, myself.
Perhaps it's because I've got a very long...memory.
Oh...
Mr Darcy, we have a job for you.
Lady Mary and Mr Stanley are off to Africa tomorrow,
to search for a great man, who has been missing for five years.
Dr Pavingstone, I presume.
Cut it out, will you? That's my line.
Well, with all your attributes,
I think there is every chance that the three of you can make it together.
Yes...and we might find Dr Pavingstone, as well.
Then I shall lead you. I will guide you through the impenetrable forests of the Congo,
through the trackless wastes of the Kalahari Desert,
and through the torturous passage of the Ngoro Mountains.
Jolly good! Then we'll meet you tomorrow morning, at the boat train, at Victoria Station.
— Oh, there's just one thing. — What's that?
How do I get to Victoria?
DARCY: ♪ Aye—ee—aye—go
Come on.
♪ Aye—ee—aye—go
♪ Aye—ee...
Shh.
(Sniffs)
Right. We'll camp here.
Phwoar! Why here?
Because my feet are killing me! (Laughs) Call up the baggage.
Hoy! Lady Mary!
— Drop 'em. - Eh?
No, no, the baggage.
Dump it. We 're staying here for tonight
Well, can you possibly tell us where we are?
Exactly where we are. Just one second.
Now, due nonh...waa—aargh!
(Crash)
We're lost.
Oh, dear!
This expedition has been a disaster from the beginning.
40 native porters, and they all deserted on the first day.
A lot of explorers lose their porters on the first day.
Not in Victoria Station.
(Sighs)
Well, as far as I can see, there's only three things we can do.
We can settle here and wait until we're rescued...
Or?
We can press on, until we drop from exhaustion...
Or?
We can ask that chap over there.
How do you do? Er...a oha.
Guten Tag.
Comment ca va?
Could be a bit tricky, this.
Yes. Why don't you try pidgin English?
Good idea.
(Cooing)
Stand aside, will you, please?
Greetings, fella. Er...me fella, him fella and her fella...
come along jungle fella, looking for old fella, long time no see any fella. You savvy?
(English accent) Ah, Dr Pavingstone, I presume.
It makes me spit! Everybody wants to get in on the act.
Do you know where he is?
— Certainly. — Where?
Just round the next bend in the trail. The large hut on the left. You can't miss it.
Oh, he can.
— Thanks, mate. — Mazel tov.
Stand back, Darcy. This is my historic moment.
Lady Teazel, by all that's wonderful!
I beg your pardon?
Well, you can't expect me to say, “Dr Pavingstone, I presume,"
cos everybody else has said that.
So, that's one phrase you'll not be getting from me.
You are Dr Pavingstone, I presume? Oh, damn! I've said it.
— Is it him? - Oh, is it him?
Are you him?
Am I who him?
Oh, poor chap. His mind's gone.
Whose mind's gone?
Well, these five years alone in the jungle, away from civilisation,
it's bound to affect the memory.
What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with my memory.
It's you that's mad.
Look at that fellow there.
Why is he dressed so funny?
(Chuckles) He's dressed so funny because he's a woman.
A woman?
By gad!
So it is. Look.
Pink booties.
Yes, and I'm also wearing the dinkiest little pair of pink knickers...
Steady on, girl. It'll take him a week to get over the boots.
Remarkable. Well, what can I do for you?
Oh, we've come to take you back to civilisation.
Oh, no, that won't be possible, I'm afraid.
You see, just after I got here,
I had a little difference of opinion with the local witch doctor.
Oh, wait a minute, please!
Don't tell me that he put a spell on you.
Very well. I won't.
So, what happened?
I'll tell her. He put a spell on me.
Just one moment, sir.
These two may believe your ridiculous story, but not me.
I've been to Africa before. They call me Elephant Dick.
Ooh. He put a spell on you, too?
Spells? They're a lot of superstitious claptrap.
Oh, I don't know. I can't help thinking there might be something in it.
Well, now that you're here... would you care for some lunch?
Yes.
(Shrieking)
Oh, you poor man! What a terrible life you must have led since this happened to you.
Oh, it's not too bad, once you get used to it.
And, of course, it's very useful about the house.
But you can see why my returning to England is quite out of the question.
Oh, but you just can't give up like this. I won't let you.
Come to London with me, and I'll take you straight to Harley Street, and we can have it off.
But I thought you lived in Kensington.
The tail. I was talking about having it removed surgically.
It won't do any good, my dear. I've tried it.
The tail grew again within a couple of hours.
No. A spell is a spell.
What about lifting it?
Oh, very well, if it pleases you.
No, I meant lifting the spell.
If it is a spell. It may be just a figment of your imagination.
— What's that? — A figment of your imagination!
A figment of my imagination, indeed!
You haven't had to live with it all these years.
Every night, the same terrible decision to make:
Do I sleep with it under the blanket and tickle myself to death?
Or do I sleep with it hanging over the edge of the bed for the cat to play with?
Oh, there must be something we can do!
Right. Leave this to me. This witch doctor — what's his name?
Yoranutta.
— There's no need to be like that. — No, that's his name: Yoranutta.
Oh. Well, summon him to our presence.
Very well, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Now, let me see. What's his number?
Here we are. Mogabutu, bang, thump, wallop, clop.
(Repeated drumbeats)
I'm sorry. He's engaged. I'll try again later on.
There's no need. I'll go and see him myself.
No, no! Come back here.
Oh, dear. I shouldn't have let him go.
I don't know. He's a big lad.
They don't call him Elephant Dick for nothing, do they?
Well, they do, actually.
Oh. Oh, yes. Well, I'm sure he can look after himself.
Oh, no, he can't. He could be in deadly peril. He needs your support.
I don't think it would fit him.
Go, before it is too late.
Oh, all right, if it'll make you feel any better.
— Oh, clever! — I beg your pardon?
Well, they've gone, the both of them, leaving just the two of us alone together.
Well, I shouldn't worry. They won't be too long.
Well, then, we haven't got much time, have we?
Haven't got much time for what?
Well, for getting on with it.
Oh, that's very true.
Right. We'll get at it, shall we?
You wash, and I'll wipe.
(Grunting)
Listen.
What?
— Can't you hear it? — Hear what?
The call. The wild, primeval call of nature.
— That's Mabel. — Mabel?
Yes. She's a female gorilla.
(Mabel grunts)
Not tonight, Mabel. I've got visitors.
(Mabel grunts)
Oh, be like that.
(Mabel grunts pitifully)
Oh, very well. I'll see you on Friday at the coconut grove.
(Mabel grunts)
And be sure to cut your fingernails.
Now we can get on with it.
Aaaargh! Aaaargh! (Wails like Tarzan)
Really, Mabel!
No, not Mabel. Me calling to you!
You Tarzan, me Jane.
No, no. You Lady Mary. Me Dr Pavingstone.
(Mabel grunts)
Her Mabel.
Her...gorilla. Me...White woman.
Are you stupid?
You mean...
you woman...
Ohh!
...me man?
By George, he's got it! I think he's got it.
A real...woman.
Yes. A real, live, warm, willing woman,
to look after you, to tend to your basic needs.
What can that female gorilla do that I can't do better?
She keeps me in bananas.
Oh, man does not live on bananas alone.
No, he needs all the other little things that only a woman can do.
You're right!
Oh, how blind I've been all these years!
The wanting and the needing, and the not being able.
The aching and the pain of having to do without.
And then you're here...
and suddenly, there's hope...
and the chance to be as other men.
If only...
If only you could... No, no, I couldn't ask you.
(Wails) Ohh! Oh, ask me!
But we hardly know each other.
Ask me. Ask me.
I've tried doing it for myself, but I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Only a woman can put me out of my misery.
Oh, ask me, ask me, ask me!
Every time I get my hands on it, I get all flustered, and my eyes go funny.
Oh, try me.
It's not very long, I'm afraid... but I'm sure you'll fix that.
Oh, I will. I will! I will!
Right.
Do you think you could finish this knitting for me?
Ah. Er...Dr Yoranutta, I presume.
At your service. And what appears to be the trouble?
They call me Elephant Dick.
Indeed? Well, that is easily remedied.
Pack that up, for a start.
You're dealing with an old African hand.
It's the only kind I've got.
Don't you bandy words with me.
I have come here to put a stop to your naughty doings.
And if you cast any more spells, I...
You shall what?
I...I...I-..
— If ever you come to my working men's club... — Yes?
...I shall have you blackballed.
(Chuckles) No comment.
What have you done to Dr Pavingstone?
Ah, you mean Kanga—Wunga?
Yes, that's it... I beg your pardon?
(Chuckles) Kanga—Wunga.
It is a process by which I can cause monkeys' tails to grow on human beings.
Aaaargh!
It...sounds very interesting, that.
Kanga—Wunga. How do you spell that?
(Chanting) K-A-N-G-A-W...
(Screams) Help!
Where are you, Darcy?
Darcy, where are you?
Ahoy! Elephant Dick!
I'm here, Dick!
Here, Dick.
(Bellows) Here, Dick!
Oh, please, don't mind me. I'm looking for Dick.
No! I didn't mean...
Stop it! Argh! No! Aargh!
Oh, where can those two be? They've been gone for such a long time.
Oh, my dear, the jungle is a terrible place.
We may never see either of them again.
(Stanley shrieks)
Aaaargh! Aaaargh!
Strewth! I've been in some nasty spots in my life, but that was a real shocker.
A bloody great female gorilla, it was!
One minute, I was on the jungle trail, and the next, I was halfway up a gumtree,
with this hairy great brute peeling all my clothes off.
That would be Mabel. She probably thought you were a banana.
She's very partial to a little fruit.
Oh, that reminds me. Where is Elephant Dick?
Did somebody call?
Good man! You made it. Did you see the witch doctor?
Yes, I did, and I said to him, I said,
"The Great White Queen across the water is not amused," I said.
“She will send many warriors with fire sticks to punish you," I said.
And what did the witch doctor say?
"Get knotted, " he said.
Look. Waaargh!
Oh, dear. Can't you do anything for him?
Well, I could fix him up with Mabel's sister.
Well, he's not going to make a monkey out of me.
There must be a way to beat the witch doctor.
— Yes, there is. — You have a plan?
Yes. I always believe in fighting your enemy using his own weapons.
See if you can raise your spooky friend on that thing.
Ask him if he'd like to see an exhibition...
Oh!
...of White man's magic.
You never give up, do you?
Now, let's work some magic of our own.
I want a nail, some...a saw, a hammer, wood...
LADY MARY: Anything I can sew, anything.
(Thunder) — What a terrible night! Do you think he” come?
He'd have to be out of his mind to walk through that.
Evening, gentlemen.
Sorry if I've startled you, but it was such a horrible evening, I decided to fly.
Not at all. Delighted you could come.
I hope I'm not late.
Er...no. Would you blow out the house lights?
(Darcy and Pavingstone bellow a fanfare)
Good evening and welcome.
We proudly present The Great Stanley in...
White Man's Magic!
(Fanfare)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
(Chuckles) Are we ready?
Thank you very much.
(Whistles)
(Applause)
LADY MARY: Ohh...
Ohh...
Thank you very much.
Don't go. Oh...look at that.
And now I shall produce, from thin air, a bouquet of jungle flowers.
Are you ready?
PAVINGSTONE: Miraculous!
Thank you. And now...
There is nothing up my sleeve.
I will change those jungle flowers into a bunny rabbit. Are you ready?
(Whistles)
Aaaargh! What happened to the rabbit?
Oh, you'd better ask the snake.
You're a right little killjoy, you are, aren't you?
Well, what do you think of it so far?
Rubbish!
So, that's where they got it from.
I'm now coming down into the auditorium.
If you produce any object you care to from your pocket,
my lady assistant will guess what it is without even looking,
or without my telling her.
Thank you. Are you ready, Lady Mary?
Oh, any time!
Thank you very much!
This is a very interesting object here. You'll get this in no time.
LADY MARY: It's a...
Watch what you're saying.
— It's a... — Yes? You'll be getting it in a tick. A tick.
A tick?
It's a feather mattress!
Correct! A gentleman's pocket...mattress...
Are you ready? This is a very tricky one, this.
Hereby hangs a tale.
In fact, two tails.
Is it a book?
— No. — Give me that!
Is it a fish slice?
Is it a tin of curry powder?
Is it one of those little ducks you hang on the wall?
Oh, I know. Penelope Thompson's camiknickers.
Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
And you didn't manage to break the spell, then?
No, I'm afraid not, but we know how to break it now.
And those special articles you asked me to get — what were they?
Ah, yes. The eyetooth of a hippopotamus...
I have one! I have one here, on the end of my watch chain.
Good gracious me! And, of course, a packet of ants' eggs.
By a strange coincidence,
I was on the way to visit my maiden aunt, Miss Trubshaw,
a well—known goldfish—breeder.
Good for Auntie!
And, of course, along, buff envelope.
I never travel without one! Now what?
Well, you place the ants' eggs and the eyetooth into the long, buff envelope.
Yes.
And now you drop into the envelope the five golden guineas.
So...it's nothing but a damned confidence trick.
And to think, I nearly fell for your ridiculous story.
Good day to you, sir. If I see you here again, I shall call a constable!
Well, you blew it again, didn't you, Stanley?
I nearly had him then. I nearly had him.
You're always saying that! We've now got to go back to the jungle.
How can we stay here in civilisation? I've just about had enough...