1
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,080
Pssst!
2
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,159
Pssst!
3
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,679
I beg your pardon?
4
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:46,050
I say, I'm sorry to trouble you,
but do you think you could help me?
5
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:50,320
I may as well tell you now. I make it a point
never to give money to strange men in bushes.
6
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,850
Good gracious me, my dear fellow!
It's not your money I'm after.
7
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,800
You're not in the Household Cavalry,
by any chance?
8
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,410
Good gracious me, no! Nothing like that.
9
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,360
Ah, well, as long as it isn't money,
what can I do for you?
10
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,680
Well, it's such a trivial matter,
I hardly like to bother you with it.
11
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,119
Come along, man. Out with it.
12
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,510
Well, have you at all, about your person,
13
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,380
the eyetooth of a hippopotamus,
a packet of ants' eggs,
14
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,439
and along, buff envelope?
15
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,390
The eyetooth of a hippopotamus,
a packet of ants' eggs...?
16
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,279
And along, buff envelope.
17
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,119
What on earth do you want 'em for?
18
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,120
Well, it's such a long story.
19
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,079
Nevertheless, I would like to hear it.
20
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,850
Oh, righto, then. Are you sitting comfortably?
21
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,320
— Yes.
— Good. Then I'll begin.
22
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,750
It all happened a long time ago,
at the annual general meeting of BUGS.
23
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,079
- BUGS?
— Yes, B—U—G—S.
24
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,820
The Bermondsey
Universal Geographical Society.
25
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,670
In the chair was Lord Gropefinger,
26
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,080
the well—known explorer.
27
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,120
And so, to sum up...
28
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,900
it has not been a good year for BUGS.
29
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,570
The expedition which we sent off
to find the true source of the Nile,
30
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,380
got on the wrong ship at Dover,
31
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,940
and is now working its way back
on a tramp steamer from Whitley Bay.
32
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,759
Shame!
33
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,559
Thank you, madam. It is, indeed.
34
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:12,160
And our Arctic Circle mapping survey
all came down with chilblains
35
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,270
three miles north of Watford.
36
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:20,490
The silver collection on the door tonight
has amounted to just under three halfpence.
37
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,800
(Snoring) Hear! Hear!
38
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,430
Thank you, thank you.
And unless something is done, and soon,
39
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,130
who knows where we shall be tomorrow?
40
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,719
Hear! Hear!
41
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,720
Half of us don't even know where we are today.
42
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,550
Ah, yes, well... I now yield the floor to...
43
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:41,920
Lady Airy—Fairy, the well—known society...sport?
44
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,039
Hear! Hear!
45
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,660
Yes. Well, Mr Chairman,
it's not good enough, is it?
46
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,240
A fine geographical society this is,
47
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,310
where even the Treasurer
gets lost between here and the bus stop.
48
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,800
Well, what do you suggest we do about it?
49
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,250
Well, I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?
50
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,450
All we have to do
is something absolutely ripping and spiffing,
51
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,920
and jolly exciting and top—hole.
52
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,080
To boldly go where no man has been before,
son of thing.
53
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,230
— Well, that lets Lady Mary out.
- Eh?
54
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,370
On the contrary!
I suggest we go where man has gone before.
55
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,060
Oh, it's all right. She's back in again.
56
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,440
A heckler! Who are you, sir?
57
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,620
My name is Stanley,
the well—known foreign correspondent.
58
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,290
You may remember that, some five years ago,
59
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,210
one of our leading explorers
went into the African jungle,
60
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,640
and has never been heard of since.
61
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,400
I think you all know... I think the five of you know
to whom I am referring.
62
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,560
Ah, Dr Pavingstone, I presume.
63
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,210
I wish you hadn't said that.
64
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,810
I was going to use that line later.
65
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,620
However, my newspaper is prepared to finance
an expedition to look for the missing doctor,
66
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,650
and I hope that your society
will give me what I'm looking for.
67
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,270
(Chuckles) Any volunteers?
68
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,450
Well, you can have me, for a start!
69
00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,920
(Chuckling)
70
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,070
But let's get the expedition organised first.
71
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,720
Really, Stanley!
I meant I shall come with you on the expedition.
72
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,210
What, you? A woman?
In the jungle, with nature at its rawest? Alone?
73
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,519
It's unheard—of.
74
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,540
But I shan't be alone. I'll be with you!
75
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,999
Oh, wonderful! Thank you.
76
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,490
Any more volunteers?
No. Good. We leave tomorrow.
77
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,920
No, no, no. Just a minute, please.
78
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,540
I suggest you take with you
our guest speaker for this evening:
79
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,970
a Great White Hunter, whose name
is a byword for trustworthiness and reliability.
80
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,790
— Well, where is he?
— He hasn't turned up yet.
81
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,160
Aaaargh!
82
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,920
Ah, er...how...urgh!
83
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,290
How...how do you do, sir?
84
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,519
What a coincidence!
85
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:54,450
May I present that Great White Hunter,
the honourable Richard Darcy?
86
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,400
— How do you do?
— How do you do, Darcy, old chap?
87
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,400
How do you do?
My friends call me Elephant Dick.
88
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,510
Really?! May I ask why?
89
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,520
I don't know. I'm a butterfly man, myself.
90
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,310
Perhaps
it's because I've got a very long...memory.
91
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:10,959
Oh...
92
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960
Mr Darcy, we have a job for you.
93
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,470
Lady Mary and Mr Stanley
are off to Africa tomorrow,
94
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,950
to search for a great man,
who has been missing for five years.
95
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,790
Dr Pavingstone, I presume.
96
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,900
Cut it out, will you? That's my line.
97
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,239
Well, with all your attributes,
98
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,960
I think there is every chance
that the three of you can make it together.
99
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,720
Yes...and we might find Dr Pavingstone, as well.
100
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:40,810
Then I shall lead you. I will guide you
through the impenetrable forests of the Congo,
101
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,360
through the trackless wastes
of the Kalahari Desert,
102
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,070
and through the torturous passage
of the Ngoro Mountains.
103
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,990
Jolly good! Then we'll meet you tomorrow
morning, at the boat train, at Victoria Station.
104
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,420
— Oh, there's just one thing.
— What's that?
105
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,880
How do I get to Victoria?
106
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,250
DARCY: ♪ Aye—ee—aye—go
107
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:03,839
Come on.
108
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,870
♪ Aye—ee—aye—go
109
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,870
♪ Aye—ee...
110
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,640
Shh.
111
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,159
(Sniffs)
112
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,160
Right. We'll camp here.
113
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,079
Phwoar! Why here?
114
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,330
Because my feet are killing me!
(Laughs) Call up the baggage.
115
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,000
Hoy! Lady Mary!
116
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,440
— Drop 'em.
- Eh?
117
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,640
No, no, the baggage.
118
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,750
Dump it. We 're staying here for tonight
119
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,560
Well, can you possibly tell us where we are?
120
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,390
Exactly where we are. Just one second.
121
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,330
Now, due nonh...waa—aargh!
122
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,639
(Crash)
123
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,199
We're lost.
124
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,399
Oh, dear!
125
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,820
This expedition has been a disaster
from the beginning.
126
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:55,010
40 native porters,
and they all deserted on the first day.
127
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,360
A lot of explorers
lose their porters on the first day.
128
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,580
Not in Victoria Station.
129
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,279
(Sighs)
130
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,860
Well, as far as I can see,
there's only three things we can do.
131
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,610
We can settle here
and wait until we're rescued...
132
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,039
Or?
133
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,780
We can press on,
until we drop from exhaustion...
134
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,679
Or?
135
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,680
We can ask that chap over there.
136
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
How do you do? Er...a
oha.
137
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,320
Guten Tag.
138
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,840
Comment ca va?
139
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:28,719
Could be a bit tricky, this.
140
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,790
Yes. Why don't you try pidgin English?
141
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:32,279
Good idea.
142
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,530
(Cooing)
143
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,920
Stand aside, will you, please?
144
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:41,120
Greetings, fella.
Er...me fella, him fella and her fella...
145
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:46,750
come along jungle fella, looking for old fella,
long time no see any fella. You savvy?
146
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,050
(English accent) Ah, Dr Pavingstone, I presume.
147
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,600
It makes me spit!
Everybody wants to get in on the act.
148
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,479
Do you know where he is?
149
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,679
— Certainly.
— Where?
150
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,980
Just round the next bend in the trail.
The large hut on the left. You can't miss it.
151
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,359
Oh, he can.
152
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,360
— Thanks, mate.
— Mazel tov.
153
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,430
Stand back, Darcy. This is my historic moment.
154
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,130
Lady Teazel, by all that's wonderful!
155
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:20,879
I beg your pardon?
156
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,480
Well, you can't expect me to say,
“Dr Pavingstone, I presume,"
157
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,559
cos everybody else has said that.
158
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,810
So, that's one phrase
you'll not be getting from me.
159
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,180
You are Dr Pavingstone, I presume?
Oh, damn! I've said it.
160
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,680
— Is it him?
- Oh, is it him?
161
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,199
Are you him?
162
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,319
Am I who him?
163
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,320
Oh, poor chap. His mind's gone.
164
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,279
Whose mind's gone?
165
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,300
Well, these five years alone in the jungle,
away from civilisation,
166
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,559
it's bound to affect the memory.
167
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,300
What are you talking about?
There's nothing wrong with my memory.
168
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,479
It's you that's mad.
169
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,999
Look at that fellow there.
170
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,030
Why is he dressed so funny?
171
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,660
(Chuckles) He's dressed so funny
because he's a woman.
172
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,200
A woman?
173
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,959
By gad!
174
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,679
So it is. Look.
175
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,239
Pink booties.
176
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,360
Yes, and I'm also wearing
the dinkiest little pair of pink knickers...
177
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,720
Steady on, girl.
It'll take him a week to get over the boots.
178
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,620
Remarkable. Well, what can I do for you?
179
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,740
Oh, we've come to take you back to civilisation.
180
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,300
Oh, no, that won't be possible, I'm afraid.
181
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,170
You see, just after I got here,
182
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,410
I had a little difference of opinion
with the local witch doctor.
183
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,799
Oh, wait a minute, please!
184
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,639
Don't tell me that he put a spell on you.
185
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:31,919
Very well. I won't.
186
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,319
So, what happened?
187
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,320
I'll tell her. He put a spell on me.
188
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,199
Just one moment, sir.
189
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,180
These two may believe your ridiculous story,
but not me.
190
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,800
I've been to Africa before.
They call me Elephant Dick.
191
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,570
Ooh. He put a spell on you, too?
192
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,510
Spells? They're a lot of superstitious claptrap.
193
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:55,120
Oh, I don't know. I can't help thinking
there might be something in it.
194
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,020
Well, now that you're here...
would you care for some lunch?
195
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:00,839
Yes.
196
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,840
(Shrieking)
197
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:30,390
Oh, you poor man! What a terrible life
you must have led since this happened to you.
198
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,040
Oh, it's not too bad, once you get used to it.
199
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,610
And, of course, it's very useful about the house.
200
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,940
But you can see why my returning to England
is quite out of the question.
201
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,860
Oh, but you just can't give up like this.
I won't let you.
202
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:49,040
Come to London with me, and I'll take you
straight to Harley Street, and we can have it off.
203
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,780
But I thought you lived in Kensington.
204
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,880
The tail.
I was talking about having it removed surgically.
205
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,480
It won't do any good, my dear. I've tried it.
206
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,720
The tail grew again within a couple of hours.
207
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,530
No. A spell is a spell.
208
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
What about lifting it?
209
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,210
Oh, very well, if it pleases you.
210
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,850
No, I meant lifting the spell.
211
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,050
If it is a spell.
It may be just a figment of your imagination.
212
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,310
— What's that?
— A figment of your imagination!
213
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,860
A figment of my imagination, indeed!
214
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,520
You haven't had to live with it all these years.
215
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,900
Every night, the same terrible decision to make:
216
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,210
Do I sleep with it under the blanket
and tickle myself to death?
217
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,840
Or do I sleep with it hanging
over the edge of the bed for the cat to play with?
218
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,390
Oh, there must be something we can do!
219
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,620
Right. Leave this to me.
This witch doctor — what's his name?
220
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,679
Yoranutta.
221
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,560
— There's no need to be like that.
— No, that's his name: Yoranutta.
222
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,140
Oh. Well, summon him to our presence.
223
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,330
Very well,
but I think you're making a big mistake.
224
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,800
Now, let me see. What's his number?
225
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,490
Here we are.
Mogabutu, bang, thump, wallop, clop.
226
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,460
(Repeated drumbeats)
227
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,320
I'm sorry. He's engaged. I'll try again later on.
228
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,000
There's no need. I'll go and see him myself.
229
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,039
No, no! Come back here.
230
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,360
Oh, dear. I shouldn't have let him go.
231
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,279
I don't know. He's a big lad.
232
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,700
They don't call him Elephant Dick
for nothing, do they?
233
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,720
Well, they do, actually.
234
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,110
Oh. Oh, yes.
Well, I'm sure he can look after himself.
235
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,880
Oh, no, he can't. He could be in deadly peril.
He needs your support.
236
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,119
I don't think it would fit him.
237
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,879
Go, before it is too late.
238
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,340
Oh, all right, if it'll make you feel any better.
239
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,880
— Oh, clever!
— I beg your pardon?
240
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:48,900
Well, they've gone, the both of them,
leaving just the two of us alone together.
241
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,600
Well, I shouldn't worry. They won't be too long.
242
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,650
Well, then, we haven't got much time, have we?
243
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,719
Haven't got much time for what?
244
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,720
Well, for getting on with it.
245
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,920
Oh, that's very true.
246
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,200
Right. We'll get at it, shall we?
247
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,840
You wash, and I'll wipe.
248
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:07,839
(Grunting)
249
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,079
Listen.
250
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,279
What?
251
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,280
— Can't you hear it?
— Hear what?
252
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:16,540
The call. The wild, primeval call of nature.
253
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,480
— That's Mabel.
— Mabel?
254
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,839
Yes. She's a female gorilla.
255
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,119
(Mabel grunts)
256
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,720
Not tonight, Mabel. I've got visitors.
257
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,399
(Mabel grunts)
258
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,839
Oh, be like that.
259
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,599
(Mabel grunts pitifully)
260
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,830
Oh, very well.
I'll see you on Friday at the coconut grove.
261
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:35,719
(Mabel grunts)
262
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,720
And be sure to cut your fingernails.
263
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,420
Now we can get on with it.
264
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,190
Aaaargh! Aaaargh!
(Wails like Tarzan)
265
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,039
Really, Mabel!
266
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,270
No, not Mabel. Me calling to you!
267
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,970
You Tarzan, me Jane.
268
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,960
No, no. You Lady Mary. Me Dr Pavingstone.
269
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,639
(Mabel grunts)
270
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,159
Her Mabel.
271
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,070
Her...gorilla. Me...White woman.
272
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,560
Are you stupid?
273
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,399
You mean...
274
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,319
you woman...
275
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,799
Ohh!
276
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,870
...me man?
277
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,360
By George, he's got it! I think he's got it.
278
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,210
A real...woman.
279
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,270
Yes. A real, live, warm, willing woman,
280
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:27,400
to look after you, to tend to your basic needs.
281
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,400
What can that female gorilla do
that I can't do better?
282
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,199
She keeps me in bananas.
283
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,270
Oh, man does not live on bananas alone.
284
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:38,960
No, he needs all the other little things
that only a woman can do.
285
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,640
You're right!
286
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,470
Oh, how blind I've been all these years!
287
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,870
The wanting and the needing,
and the not being able.
288
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,550
The aching and the pain of having to do without.
289
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,080
And then you're here...
290
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,080
and suddenly, there's hope...
291
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,660
and the chance to be as other men.
292
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,160
If only...
293
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,750
If only you could... No, no, I couldn't ask you.
294
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,480
(Wails) Ohh! Oh, ask me!
295
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,559
But we hardly know each other.
296
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,560
Ask me. Ask me.
297
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,970
I've tried doing it for myself,
but I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
298
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,620
Only a woman can put me out of my misery.
299
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,460
Oh, ask me, ask me, ask me!
300
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:28,300
Every time I get my hands on it,
I get all flustered, and my eyes go funny.
301
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,599
Oh, try me.
302
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,500
It's not very long, I'm afraid...
but I'm sure you'll fix that.
303
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,170
Oh, I will. I will! I will!
304
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,680
Right.
305
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,320
Do you think you could
finish this knitting for me?
306
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,130
Ah. Er...Dr Yoranutta, I presume.
307
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,230
At your service.
And what appears to be the trouble?
308
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,680
They call me Elephant Dick.
309
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,070
Indeed? Well, that is easily remedied.
310
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600
Pack that up, for a start.
311
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,070
You're dealing with an old African hand.
312
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,999
It's the only kind I've got.
313
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,140
Don't you bandy words with me.
314
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,910
I have come here
to put a stop to your naughty doings.
315
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:18,370
And if you cast any more spells, I...
316
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,359
You shall what?
317
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,360
I...I...I-..
318
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,610
— If ever you come to my working men's club...
— Yes?
319
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,719
...I shall have you blackballed.
320
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,790
(Chuckles) No comment.
321
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,160
What have you done to Dr Pavingstone?
322
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,590
Ah, you mean Kanga—Wunga?
323
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,030
Yes, that's it... I beg your pardon?
324
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,400
(Chuckles) Kanga—Wunga.
325
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:43,910
It is a process by which I can cause
monkeys' tails to grow on human beings.
326
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,559
Aaaargh!
327
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,630
It...sounds very interesting, that.
328
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,530
Kanga—Wunga. How do you spell that?
329
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,190
(Chanting) K-A-N-G-A-W...
330
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,140
(Screams) Help!
331
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,350
Where are you, Darcy?
332
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,399
Darcy, where are you?
333
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,400
Ahoy! Elephant Dick!
334
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,839
I'm here, Dick!
335
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,840
Here, Dick.
336
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,880
(Bellows) Here, Dick!
337
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,360
Oh, please, don't mind me. I'm looking for Dick.
338
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,999
No! I didn't mean...
339
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,700
Stop it! Argh! No! Aargh!
340
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,180
Oh, where can those two be?
They've been gone for such a long time.
341
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,030
Oh, my dear, the jungle is a terrible place.
342
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,470
We may never see either of them again.
343
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,279
(Stanley shrieks)
344
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,350
Aaaargh! Aaaargh!
345
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:40,620
Strewth! I've been in some nasty spots in my life,
but that was a real shocker.
346
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,770
A bloody great female gorilla, it was!
347
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,640
One minute, I was on the jungle trail,
and the next, I was halfway up a gumtree,
348
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,180
with this hairy great brute
peeling all my clothes off.
349
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,420
That would be Mabel.
She probably thought you were a banana.
350
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,880
She's very partial to a little fruit.
351
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,760
Oh, that reminds me. Where is Elephant Dick?
352
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,639
Did somebody call?
353
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,100
Good man! You made it.
Did you see the witch doctor?
354
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,840
Yes, I did, and I said to him, I said,
355
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,140
"The Great White Queen across the water
is not amused," I said.
356
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,730
“She will send many warriors with fire sticks
to punish you," I said.
357
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,319
And what did the witch doctor say?
358
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,320
"Get knotted, " he said.
359
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,520
Look. Waaargh!
360
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,540
Oh, dear. Can't you do anything for him?
361
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,320
Well, I could fix him up with Mabel's sister.
362
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,530
Well, he's not going
to make a monkey out of me.
363
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,000
There must be a way to beat the witch doctor.
364
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,320
— Yes, there is.
— You have a plan?
365
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,550
Yes. I always believe in fighting your enemy
using his own weapons.
366
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:42,290
See if you can raise your spooky friend
on that thing.
367
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,680
Ask him if he'd like to see an exhibition...
368
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:45,879
Oh!
369
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,559
...of White man's magic.
370
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,199
You never give up, do you?
371
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,200
Now, let's work some magic of our own.
372
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,680
I want a nail, some...a saw, a hammer, wood...
373
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,080
LADY MARY: Anything I can sew, anything.
374
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,630
(Thunder)
— What a terrible night! Do you think he” come?
375
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:05,450
He'd have to be out of his mind
to walk through that.
376
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,600
Evening, gentlemen.
377
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:15,520
Sorry if I've startled you, but it was
such a horrible evening, I decided to fly.
378
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,280
Not at all. Delighted you could come.
379
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:19,679
I hope I'm not late.
380
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,850
Er...no. Would you blow out the house lights?
381
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,200
(Darcy and Pavingstone bellow a fanfare)
382
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,760
Good evening and welcome.
383
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,930
We proudly present The Great Stanley in...
384
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,190
White Man's Magic!
385
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,730
(Fanfare)
386
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,839
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
387
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,439
(Chuckles) Are we ready?
388
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,079
Thank you very much.
389
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,080
(Whistles)
390
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,080
(Applause)
391
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,880
LADY MARY: Ohh...
392
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,240
Ohh...
393
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,119
Thank you very much.
394
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,120
Don't go. Oh...look at that.
395
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:42,860
And now I shall produce, from thin air,
a bouquet of jungle flowers.
396
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,359
Are you ready?
397
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,159
PAVINGSTONE: Miraculous!
398
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,919
Thank you. And now...
399
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,439
There is nothing up my sleeve.
400
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,950
I will change those jungle flowers
into a bunny rabbit. Are you ready?
401
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,520
(Whistles)
402
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,780
Aaaargh! What happened to the rabbit?
403
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,200
Oh, you'd better ask the snake.
404
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,670
You're a right little killjoy, you are, aren't you?
405
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,240
Well, what do you think of it so far?
406
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,760
Rubbish!
407
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,480
So, that's where they got it from.
408
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,120
I'm now coming down into the auditorium.
409
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,560
If you produce any object you care to
from your pocket,
410
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,840
my lady assistant will guess what it is
without even looking,
411
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,919
or without my telling her.
412
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,920
Thank you. Are you ready, Lady Mary?
413
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,920
Oh, any time!
414
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,839
Thank you very much!
415
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,050
This is a very interesting object here.
You'll get this in no time.
416
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,159
LADY MARY: It's a...
417
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,160
Watch what you're saying.
418
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,840
— It's a...
— Yes? You'll be getting it in a tick. A tick.
419
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,520
A tick?
420
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,800
It's a feather mattress!
421
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,780
Correct! A gentleman's pocket...mattress...
422
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,960
Are you ready? This is a very tricky one, this.
423
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,360
Hereby hangs a tale.
424
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,319
In fact, two tails.
425
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,719
Is it a book?
426
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,239
— No.
— Give me that!
427
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,119
Is it a fish slice?
428
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,120
Is it a tin of curry powder?
429
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,550
Is it one of those little ducks
you hang on the wall?
430
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,440
Oh, I know. Penelope Thompson's camiknickers.
431
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,630
Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
432
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,350
And you didn't manage to break the spell, then?
433
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,710
No, I'm afraid not,
but we know how to break it now.
434
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,730
And those special articles you asked me to get —
what were they?
435
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,690
Ah, yes. The eyetooth of a hippopotamus...
436
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,400
I have one! I have one here,
on the end of my watch chain.
437
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,350
Good gracious me!
And, of course, a packet of ants' eggs.
438
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,920
By a strange coincidence,
439
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,740
I was on the way to visit my maiden aunt,
Miss Trubshaw,
440
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,200
a well—known goldfish—breeder.
441
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,119
Good for Auntie!
442
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,120
And, of course, along, buff envelope.
443
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,420
I never travel without one! Now what?
444
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:56,430
Well, you place the ants' eggs and the eyetooth
into the long, buff envelope.
445
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,079
Yes.
446
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,960
And now you drop into the envelope
the five golden guineas.
447
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,560
So...it's nothing but a damned confidence trick.
448
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,490
And to think, I nearly fell for your ridiculous story.
449
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:14,940
Good day to you, sir.
If I see you here again, I shall call a constable!
450
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:22,130
Well, you blew it again, didn't you, Stanley?
451
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,840
I nearly had him then. I nearly had him.
452
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,700
You're always saying that!
We've now got to go back to the jungle.
453
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:31,460
How can we stay here in civilisation?
I've just about had enough...