♪ Christmas music playing ♪
♪ theme song playing ♪
♪ festive music playing ♪
[electronic Hynotoad drones]
[ornaments tinkle]
- Ah, Xmas season is upon us.
Secure the perimeter!
[all yell]
♪ tense music playing ♪
- Razor lights in place? [slicing]
- Roger! - Then, stand back!
[click, gigging]
[hooting] ALARM: Intruder alert.
[hooting] [boinging]
[Bender and Hermes grunting] [wheel clicking]
[clang]
- Santa's not getting past that! No way!
Unless he knocks it down or something. - Hey, robot.
- Someone left a card in your stocking.
- That's weird.
Normally, I get mail delivered to my ass.
[creaks]
"I know what you did next Xmas!"?
Okay... Random!
- I wonder what you will have done
and who could possibly will have known about it.
- Eh, I do a lot of stuff. I'm probably doing something right now.
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
- Who's ready for their very first animated holiday special?
-Hooray! -So fun!
-Whatever.
- Ooh! Wait for me. I love having other kids around.
NARRATOR [on TV]: This year's rerun of There's a Holiday for Everyone
is brought to you by...
Mom's Old Fashioned Blood Remover.
Now in oatmeal spice.
- And that holiday is Xmas.
[kids cheering, laughing]
KWANZAABOT: Hey, kids, any chance
y'all wanna remix this holiday special,
and hear the dope story of Kwanzaabot instead?
- Or your favorite goofy golem, Chanukah Zombie?
- No! Tell us about Santa!
- Again?
- Yes! Every year!
[Kwanzaabot sighs] - Oy...
♪ whimsical music playing ♪
The ancient tradition of Xmas
began in the year 2801,
when the Friendly Robot Company
developed a high-powered mechanical Santa
capable of delivering over five mega-presents per second.
[popping]
[glass shattering] - Hey...
KWANZAABOT: They tricked him out with a pair of carbon-fiber Tims
and a chrome naughty-nice sensor.
CHANUKAH ZOMBIE: So he'd know who deserved gifts
and who deserved brutal punishment.
- Yo, that might've been the first mistake right there.
[sleigh bells jingling] - But on Santa's very first delivery,
something went tragically meshuggenah.
[creaking] His naughty-nice sensor malfunctioned.
- Man, that's some bleeped-up [klaxon].
[sleigh bells jingle]
- Yay! Santa's here!
[gunfire] [people screaming]
- Oh! Oh my! [grunting]
[video stops] Oh, thank you.
- I'm sorry, kids.
I never wanted you to know Santa was real.
♪ somber music playing ♪
[hammering]
- Yuletide news, everyone!
I know how to fix Santa!
[incredulous chatter]
I just need to sneak up on him
and reverse the polarity of his naughty-nice sensor.
- But Santa is always on guard against attacks. Just like me.
Hii-yah! - Ow!
- You'll never be able to sneak up on him.
- Not through space, no,
but through time, probably.
You see, Santa is only prepared for an attack from the present.
So I've been souping up my old time machine.
- Where is it?
- The question is when is it?
And the answer is right about...
now!
[impressed chatter]
- It's so amazing.
I don't even care that it's on my foot.
[cracking]
- I've installed a manual transmission with a reverse gear,
so it can now go backward in time as well as forward.
[unlocks car] - Hooray-- [grunts]
- My plan is to back up to the year 2801,
when things first went wrong,
and materialize behind Santa
as he exits this very fireplace.
- Did this building even exist in 2801?
- Yeah, but back then, it was some kinda meat market,
where butchers would hook up and grind their sausages.
- Yes, anyway, once there,
I'll quickly reverse the polarity
of Santa's naughty-nice sensor, then return to the present.
Problem solved.
- Um, Professor, isn't it risky to go back in time
and change history?
- Oh my, yes.
But I'll go alone to minimize the chance
of anyone becoming their own grandfather.
- These things happen. - No, they don't.
- Next time you see me, Santa will have been good again!
Ta-ta!
♪ heroic music playing ♪
Uh, just a couple of centuries straight backwards.
[bang, echoing meow]
Damn it! I backed over Mrs. McGillicuddy's time cat!
[clicking, grinding gears] Clutch, shift, and...
away we go!
[zaps] [echoing cat yowl]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[whooshing]
[beeping]
[klaxons honking]
♪
SANTA: Ho-ho-hot!
[whirring]
[beeping] Cookie.
[loud munching]
♪
Cookie!
[loud munching]
[clicking, beeping]
Cookie!
[loud munching]
[grinding gears] - Just shift into forward and...
Whoa!
[zaps, beeping]
Oh, bother. I shifted into reverse by accident.
I guess I'll have to take her around by the scenic route.
♪
[sips]
Ah, here comes the Big Backwards Bang.
[zaps, whirring]
Ow! I'm being crushed
by all the matter that ever was. [crinkling]
[zapping, whirring]
- And here we are, the future!
[reverse explosions]
[zaps]
[sips]
[zapping]
Ee-eye!
[zapping]
- How'd it go? - Not a hitch!
[splattering]
I fixed Santa!
[all cheering]
- It'll be my first happy Xmas
since I got frozen and never saw my family again!
- Now, hold on!
Xmas isn't for a week.
Until then, we got nonstop busy work.
- Oh fuff. Let's stop pretending
we do anything around here.
Everyone, take the week off,
and be with your so-called loved ones.
[gasping] - Really?
- I forgot I had loved ones!
- It's a human resources miracle! [excited chatter]
- Uncle Fry, I hope you'll join me and Cubert
at my chalet in the Bronx.
- Wait! My family's hoping to meet Fry.
I mean, they met him before,
but he didn't make much of an impression.
- I'll wear out my welcome at one, and then go to the other.
[excited chatter]
- So, Bender... - No.
- You and I are the only ones with no family.
Maybe we could-- - No.
- Hang out? - Oh. Hang out, you say?
Let me think that over for a-- No.
No. Oh, sorry.
Uh, I thought you were still talking.
♪ festive music playing ♪
[Fry and Cubert grunting, laughing]
[yelps]
[sweaters whirring] [beeping, flash]
♪ festive steel drum music playing ♪
[game beeping]
[laughter]
[fan whirring]
♪ somber music playing ♪
- [sighs] It's just you and me, moldy sandwich man.
[dialing]
[dial tone, beep]
- Hello. Calculon acting.
- Hey, it's me! Your extremely close friend Bender.
Wanna hang out?
- How did you get this number?
- I didn't! I'm just dialing every number in order.
- Keep dialing.
- [grumbles] This nuts bolts!
[slams receiver]
- Hey, Bender. - Yes? I mean no!
- I brought dumpster nog...
And not the kind for kids. [sloshes]
- Hm. What's in it? - What's not in it?
You want nutmeg on that?
- Nutmeg? Gross!
[ticking]
BOTH: ♪ Five golden rings! ♪
♪ Four something something, three something else ♪
♪ Two no one cares, and a partridge ♪
♪ Drowned in our nog! ♪
[dripping, splats]
- Whoof! This stuff is strong!
Hey, how many glasses have we hadded?
- None. This is just from the fumes.
[glasses clink]
[ticks]
- Aw, it's not fair!
Everyone else gets to have fun with their stupid family.
- My species dies when we reproduce.
So if I had a family, I'd be dead.
Does anyone even care about that? - I sure don't.
- If you ask me, "good" Santa is ruining Xmas.
I'd like to give him such a snipping. [snipping]
- Ooh, I'd bend him a new one! But he's not here right now!
- But, he has was been here.
Every Xmas, he shows up in the fire hole.
[gasps]
- We could drunk drive the time machine
to last Xmas and kidnap him!
Then, he won't be able to deliver presents this Xmas!
- And our stupid friends' holiday will be ruined!
[cheering]
Wait. Is kidnapping Santa a good idea,
or does it just seem like a good idea because we're intoximated?
- It's a good [belches] idea.
[woozy giggling] [opens time machine door]
Whee!
[woozy laugh]
Set course for last Xmas!
[zaps]
♪ Jingle bells, Zoidberg smells just like rotten eggs ♪
- [gasps] I'm immortalized in song.
♪
- Cookie? [loud munching]
[zaps]
- And here we are, last Xmas.
Get him!
- Bite my glittering festive ass!
[surprised grunting]
- Unhand me, you naughty boys! [grunts]
[muffled yelling]
[Bender grunts]
[muffled yelling]
[grunting]
[zaps]
♪
[zaps]
[muffled yelling]
- Shove him in the old meat locker!
- We have an old meat locker?
BENDER [singing]: ♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
[clangs]
[Bender grunts]
[door creaks]
[Bender and Zoidberg grunting]
- Oh, boy. Hey, boy.
[Bender grunts]
- Try spreading joy now, you big Xmas ham.
[door creaks, slams]
- We're geniuses! - I'm geniuses!
♪ Do the Bender! Do the Bender! ♪
BOTH: ♪ Do the Bender! Do the Bender! ♪
[Zoidberg whooping]
- You know, Zoidberg,
you're only half as bad as I thought you were.
- [sniffles] That means a lot.
[metallic bang] Uh-oh. We woke the meat up.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[angry growl] [yelling]
[panting]
- What do we do? - The time machine!
BENDER: Good idea!
[grunts]
- Get ready to sleep in heavenly peace!
[Bender and Zoidberg whimper]
Ho, ho--
Whoa!
[zapping, yelling]
BOTH: Ooh... Ah...
Ooh... [Santa yelling]
- He's dead. We killed Santa Claus.
- Uh... You killed Santy Claus.
- Uh... Robot?
♪
[whimpering]
[frightened squeal]
♪ tense music playing ♪
- This was supposed to be a fun kidnapping!
What do we do now?
- We gotta get rid of the body. That's usually pretty fun.
♪
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Stroke!
- Oops.
[splash] Oops.
Ow!
[distant ship horn]
- Okay. Now, we just add some extra weight to sink the corpse.
[heavy bang]
- It's not working!
[marker squeaking]
Still nothing!
- Why! Won't! You! Sink!? [clanging]
[both sputtering]
BOTH: Ah!
[splashing]
[both panting]
[police siren blaring]
URL: Hands up, boat bags.
- What's with the bloated floater?
- I admit it! We murd-- [grunts]
- Uh, just, uh, dumping some toxic waste, officers.
- Huh. Guess you gotta put it somewhere.
- Carry on, night dumpers.
♪
[Bender giggles]
[boat rumbling]
- Dwight, it's time to teach you the Conrad holiday turducken recipe.
Cooked in alphabetical order.
- Alrighty then.
We gonna start with the chicken, then duck, and then...
[muttering] Let me see now. Now the E and the F...
[normal] Husband! We using flamingo this year?
- At $20 a pound!? No, thank you.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[flushing]
- It's not working! - Flush harder!
- I'm flushing as hard as I can! Got any other ideas,
Mr. I'm-So-Great-At-Hiding-Corpses?
- Well, at least I have ideas! What do you suggest?
- Hm... We could try an acid bath.
- That does sound relaxing, but--
- No! We'll dissolve Santa's body!
Professor has some acid upstairs in his lab.
I'll go fill this trash bag.
[footsteps departing]
[splashing] [liquid dripping, hissing]
Oops! [floor creaking]
[hissing, bubbling]
- Remind me, is this the ground floor?
[both yell]
[crashing]
- Behold, my family's traditional Yuletide feast.
[grunts] Turdolphin!
It's fresh turtle cooked inside a fermented dolphin.
- Wow. Soon, it's gonna be barf inside a vomit.
- Dad. Shh! Keep the truth to yourself.
- Which part smells like whale butt?
- Ooh, that would be the gravy.
[sloshing]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[cranking] - You ruined everything!
You're the one who wanted to kidnap Santa!
- Oh, yeah? Well, you enabled me,
so shut up and keep pushing him into the meat grinder!
- Bender, look! It's working!
Wait. Where's my claw?
♪ festive music playing ♪
- Gather round, relatives, as I cook up
turducken a la Farnsworth
with this 3D poultry printer.
- As long as it's got three dimensions, I'll eat it.
- We start with liquid chicken.
[beeping, whirring]
Then, some duck filament.
[clicking]
And finally, a whole fresh turkey.
I printed this one out earlier.
[bones crunching]
[squishing]
[licking fingers, humming happily]
- Oh, man. I need to head out if I'm gonna make it to Leela's.
Do you have any skis? - No, but I can print some.
[pop, whirring]
♪
- How are we making turducken? There's nothing in the refrigerator.
- Eh, that fridge doesn't work. We use it as a spare bedroom.
- We serve fresh turducken, Leela.
[squawks] They roam the sewers in huge flocks.
[gobbling, quacking, clucking]
- Are they hard to catch? - Oh, no.
They crave death.
[various squawks]
[door creaks]
- Hey! Sorry I'm late.
I got hungry and ate my skis.
- Fry, you made it!
You remember my parents and my grandma?
[tentacle squishing] - Ah, yes. The rose of the sewers.
Mwah!
- Leela, if you don't marry him,
I will. [popping]
- So, uh, where's Bender and Zoidberg?
- What? I figured they were with you. Or something.
They're probably relaxing by the fire.
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[Bender whimpering]
- The only rational option is to eat Santa.
Right? Right!?
- I don't know!
Oh, this is a nightmare before Xmas.
I wish we'd never become friends!
- We're not friends! And we never were!
♪ emotional music playing ♪
- But we danced. And murdered.
[whirring]
- I'll do the carving. You want white Christmas or dark Christmas?
[knocking on door] [both yelp]
[door creaks]
ALL: Surprise!
- Bah humbug!
♪
- Nobody's home! Leave a message at the beep.
Beep!
- Open up or we'll carol!
ZOIDBERG: Uh, Bender! We have company!
BENDER: Uh, just a sec! I'm tidying up.
[clanking, chainsaw roaring, metal scraping]
LEELA: Hii-yah! [grunts]
- Come in, come in! Everything's normal.
[footsteps approach]
- Merry Xmas, you guys.
- We didn't know you hadn't been invited anywhere.
- We came as soon as we realized what losers you are.
- Uh, punch?
- Nah, I'll just have a beer.
[creak, pop]
- Who's hungry? We all brought
our families' unique holiday dishes.
- Turducken! - Turdolphin!
- Huh.
- How thoughtful of you all to drop this disturbing food off,
and then be immediately on your way. Goodbye!
- Dinner's served!
Isn't that pretty? It looks like a magazine.
- Bender, since when do you have three legs?
- Uh, uh, th-this one's a spare.
In case I break down on the highway.
- And why is it wearing a snow boot?
[grunts]
[muffled yelling]
[carving knife whirring]
♪ heartwarming music playing ♪
- Finally, an old-time happy Xmas,
with presents for everyone!
[whispers] I'm hoping for Batman underpants.
- Santa should be here any minute now.
[kids and Fry cheering]
- The guilt is too much! I confess!
Santa won't-- [muffled grumbling]
[sleigh bells jingling]
- What's that? Who's jingling!?
- Ah, here he comes!
♪ whimsical Christmas music playing ♪
- Yay! It's good Santa!
- Indeed, because I fixed him.
- Santa seems less dead than we thought.
[laser whirring]
ALL: Ooh...
[gunfire] [all screaming]
[glass breaking, smashing] - I don't understand. He's still evil!
I personally went back in time
and reversed his naughty-nice sensor!
Uh-oh. - What you do, old man?
[gunfire continues] - Oh, I've made a complete Fry of myself.
You see, Santa's sensor was exactly like the one
on this punch bowl.
When he was first built,
it was in the correct position.
But when I went back in time, I flipped it around.
Me! Oh, lordy-loo.
I'm the one who made Santa evil.
[all gasp] - You monster!
[loud rumbling] [electricity fizzling]
[zooming] [sleigh bells jingle]
SANTA: You've all been very naughty!
Especially you, Mandy.
- I'm sorry I forgot to feed the hamster!
- Arm yourselves!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[all screaming]
[beeping]
- Cookie? [munching]
[zaps]
- And here we are, last Xmas.
Get him!
- Bite my glittering festive ass.
[surprised grunting]
- Unhand me, you naughty boys. [grunts]
[muffled yelling] - Who are those handsome guys,
and what are they doing to poor Santa?
- That's us, you idiot.
You didn't take us to last Xmas.
You took us to next Xmas! Meaning this Xmas!
- Damn it, Bender. I'm a doctor,
not a time machine guy!
[grunting] [zaps]
[confused chatter]
[power whirring] - I think I speak for everyone when I say,
uh-whuh?
- I can't hold it in anymore!
[muffled yelling]
- We kidnapped and murdered Santa!
[all gasp]
- Oh. - We didn't mean to, but still!
[both crying]
- Stop blubbering, you bloobs!
You're heroes!
[crying] BENDER: What-roes?
- The professor set Santa to kill!
You saved all [muttering] 19 of us!
- We're heroes? - Damn right, we are!
BOTH: ♪ Do the Bender! Do the Bender! Do the Bender! ♪
[Zoidberg whooping] - Aw, Bender!
You and Zoidberg are friends now?
That's so cute.
- Uh, absolutely not!
You're all having a mass hallucination!
- So, what happened to Santa?
[sipping]
- You're drinking out of him.
- There's one thing I still don't understand.
Which one of you meatbags wrote the creepy notes?
♪ dramatic sting ♪
- 'Twas I! [all gasp]
[clanging]
[sipping]
I sent the notes from the future!
- Because I murdered you?
- No! Because I knew what you did next Xmas.
You became friends with Zoidberg!
So I'm blackmailing you!
- No... No!
You take Amy's Venmo?
- Sure. - Hey!
♪ festive music playing ♪
SANTA: Cookie!
[electricity fizzling]
- Yo, Santa Bot!
I'ma drop my Futurama Xmas list for 3023.
Y'all ready for this? I'm about to get nice.
♪ Christmas hip-hop music playing ♪
Kwanzaabot. Yeah.
♪ Christmas hip-hop music ends ♪
♪