(SQPRANOS THEME SONG)
Gkay, listen up
This is the NASD Series 7 stockbroker's exam.
It will test your knowledge of stocks bonds and other securities.
If your last name starts with A through L, you should be next door
The exam is in two parts, each part is three hours long...
there will be a one-hour break
As I oall your name please answer "here
lVlartin, Samantha -Here.
lVloClure, Peter -Here.
lVloltisanti, Christopher -Here!
(PoP soNo PLAYING)
(PGP SUNG CGNTINUES)
Tony!
Jesus Christ!
Can I talk to you?
\/\/here the fuck you been? -\/\/e're gonna talk here?
-Come in the house. I got your word, I walk in
I'm walking back out
No word. Nothing
This is how you come back?
Do I got your word?
Coffee?
You look good
-Tan. Yeah, right
The tan ghost
You're a good guy, Tony, but you abuse that jokey shit
\/\/hat you gotta say to me? -I'm back, Tony.
I'm tan
I'm in a fucking tan nightmare
What, you think I'm stupid?
I don't know it when every one of my friends turns against me? Fuck!
All right, easy, okay? I don't think you're stupid
There was a fucking rat
So you finger me?
You think I didn't know what was going on...
when you come to my house telling me you're my friend?
That's when I knew I was in trouble
When out of the blue you start telling me you're my friend!
( anthony ) I think I'm sick!
You owe me the fucking explanation! You know it!
Never to have a serious illness, because with you, Sylvio and Paulie
.and all you pricks, weakness spreads as fucking treason!
Fuck you! I don't want to hear about your back anymore!
Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who gets the explanation?
Am I supposed to trust you? You off-the-reservation cocksucker!
It was a broad, Tony It was complicated.
l\/ly back was for shit, you knew that. I don't want to hear about your back!
That's how we met. This fucking "spondyIoIisth
That's why I was popping Percocets like freaking Jujubes.
So my doctor, he prescribes this clinic for me in Puerto Rico
I didn't exactly object, given the vibes around here
Go ahead, check
-You don't tell your wife? That twat brought on most of this
-How? Listen
Down there I met this girl
Twenty-six
_.an acupuncturist. It was the only thing that helped my sciatic nerve.
Cne thing led to another
You can't send one feeler to me? -I'm gonna trust you?
Paulie? Take the word of a degenerate cop over me?
( carmela ) Tony, who are you talking to down there?
Jesus! ( DCCR SLAIVIS )
So why'd you come back, huh? What changed?
Nothing changed. That's the problem
Still got two kids in college. Cne just got married, needs my help
I gotta get my action back
Ch, just like that?
I came to you, Tony I'm in your hands.
Bring up two cases of bottled water with you, then!
Come here
Come here, you fat fuck
Hey, my back! I still gotta get these frigging shots.
You fucking beached whale
Hey!
Want to pat this down too?
Come here
Come on
Don't ever pull this shit again
So your uncIe's under indictment? -12 RIC() predicates.
Piss boy. Philly Parisi
oh, yeah, Philly
That's my favorite bag Don't lose it.
Yo, Philly!
Were you waiting long?
Not bad. We were late landing anyhow Thanks for doing this, Philly.
Coming off the Iam every nickel counts
These fucking cabs!
It was good to be back for a while, then, you know
Do I? That place is Scranton with clams.
So, what's been going on?
Same tale of woe
What's this I hear about Tony Soprano's mother, some accident?
Had her in a nursing home -Get out of here.
This upset Junior no end
When Junior come after him
...Tony went to the home, tried to suffocate his own mother
You shouIdn't spread that rumor That's some ugly shit.
Cnly telling you
Listen, you'd be fucking amazed -There's more?
No, what?
He was seeing a psychiatrist -Tony?
Fucking broad from lVIontcIair
Anyway
is
is who leads us now
I Philly) Here you go, kid
There you go, you big mouth fuck! Fuck!
( phone ringing )
It's done
lVIaybe she's seeing someone
You know, the way I see you
See why she'd never tell me
I'm afraid we have to stop now
When will your office be finished? -lVIy new carpet's not in yet.
I'm sorry. I know this is awkward
l\/ly old therapist worked out of his home.
That's...not convenient for me
(PHoNE RINGING)
Yes?
How'd you get this number?
Where are you calling from?
Are you watching me?
You know, Webistics would be perfect for your portfolio.
I know you're on a fixed income but
with Webistics you could triple your money in a year.
What time is it?
So, "E.F." I'm listening
It's fucking tedious, this shit
If it's your executive decision to go down the shore...
fuck it
Yeah
Yo, lVIatthew
I gotta take a meeting. Keep things in control here
Word up. Later, chief!
I shouIdn't be telling you this Webistics is the next Yahoo
We're only selling it to preferred clients.
American Forestry? 19 1/2, up 3/8. Very sound company
Uh-huh
Depends on whether you want to go for growth or value.
We've got hundreds of mutual funds to choose from--
You're supposed to push Webistics!
I was just giving them alternatives Shit!
Webistics is our pick of the week
Why? It's got a 3 million float, the competition's robust and their
technoIogy's two years behind! Your stock's a dog!
Ahh!
Please! Stop!
Hey! Stop that!
I'm still manager. This is unacceptable. Where's lVIoItisanti?
Get back in your fucking office
Anybody else got a problem?
(Doon oPEN|No)
-Tony. Hey, counselor, how are you?
How are you? -Good.
-You look good. Thanks, have a seat
You want a drink? -No.
Before we commence, a thousand thank-yous for Webistics.
l\/ly pleasure
So, where do we stand this month?
Your uncIe's petitioning to get out on a medical, pending trial.
Let him
-He thinks they might let him out. lVIaybe as a temptation for you to act
Since you're at the helm, it gets back to putting up bigger blinds.
Limiting your exposure to potential RICC boo-boos.
Cnly way to run a family these days is bunker-style...
(PHoNE RINGING)
Excuse me
You're not gonna believe this Your sister's here.
-Barbara? No, Janice
You're shitting me -No.
I'm gonna be 5 grand lighter before she rain-dances back to the commune
Tell her she can stay.
Are you sure?
Yeah
We 'll get Barbara, Tom and the kids and make a reunion out of it.
-But obviously .... Your mother isn't welcome
Give Janice my love
See you later
l\/ly sister's here from Seattle -Nice.
Let me pinch those bulldog cheeks Come over here!
That water down there. You think you'd have shit some weight off.
You say we were gonna crab the river looking for him?
What's the matter with you? -Tony explained it.
-Listen to this. You heard about Jimmy Altieri?
Flipped, fucking asshole
...all those payments, I guess just evaporated?
No shit
-They all paid up to the letter? Few things got lost in the confusion
You can picture
Did what we could with the information we had.
Boss of the family deserves the credit
( Speaking Italian )
Salute! Salute!
Hey, Silv -What?
What ?
I've been gone a long time Let me hear it.
All right, Kay
Just this one time, I'II let you ask me about my affairs."
Is it true, lVIichaeI?
You fucking schifosa
Cur true enemy has yet
to reveal himself
(WHY) He's on a roll!
I gotta get the fuck out of here!
Ch, Tony, I hate to ruin the party
Got a call from Loiaco down at brokerage.
Chip and DaIe" sent one of the brokers...
...to the emergency room. Ch, fuck me! These kids!
lVIy fucking nephew, right?
You call him and tell him I want to see him right away
It all checks out
Puerto Rico, the clinic. All that shit, from what I can tell
How was the guest bed, sleep okay? -Great.
Except usually I bring my own pillow. Ergonomic.
Got ripped off at a bus stop in Rapid City.
LinoIeum's not good enough no more?
How you doing, Jan? -Good.
-"Parvati." I'm her brother, I get a pass
You look good. You look like a teenager
l\/ly therapist says I'm regressing -Your therapist?
-Who pays for that? State of Washington
Total disability -Ch, yeah...
the Epstein-Barr -Was.
Carpal tunnel from my last job Steam milk machine.
No worse pain
Late, you know, morning
What's that smell?
lVIiso soup with seaweed
She was telling us about Seattle
I better not see those grunge pants on you.
Dad, how do you stay so hip? -I'II be back in a sec.
Don't let your father near my soup He makes fun...
Don't see her in years and you start in on her diet?
Believe me, she gives as good as she gets.
Give me a hit off that
Ch, ho! Who's in charge here?
Beautiful kids. You must be proud -Yeah, how about that, huh?
Even with our genes
So, you still with that...AdoIf?
Ro
No. Rolf went back to Andorra
-You seem good. lVIood-wise. Yeah, things are very good nowadays
How are things really with lVIa?
She's dead to me
I don't want to get in your way
You stayed and took the brunt
Barb and I, we're never gonna forget
You forgot it okay for about 20 years. At least Barb pitched in
I've made my share of mistakes. But l\/Ia can't stay in the hospital forever.
I'II tell you about her stroke. It's called a conversion reaction
It's a big opera brought on by repressed rage. It's bullshit.
No infarc-whatever-the-fuck
But the symptoms were the same as a stroke...
so she can't take care of herself
She's on the Iam in that hospital From me.
lVIom is bewildered. I mention you and her eyes fill up with tears.
Ch, boy!
I'm not asking you to step in, Tony
It's my turn now. That's why I came
She's a strega. She's the devil
She was. Now she's just a confused frightened old woman.
to fix her car so I can get back and forth to the hospital.
Gh, I doubt that
I just put her house on the market -Ch.
Look
I'm glad you're here. Ckay?
You want to play Florence Nightingale that's your choice.
Cnly this is the last time we mention her in this house
Ckay
Hey, Ti
Seven and Seven, over here. Whoa, what's the matter now?
Loiaco called. Your two friends beat the shit out of a broker.
-Two others quit. He was pushing some other stock!
It attracts negative attention
Then the fucks rip off a Porsche from our own building
-I'II call them. No, you'II go down there. Now
I told you, spend more time down at the brokerage.
You're the SEC compliance officer for chrissake!
You gotta exercise impulse control
Ckay, Ton. I'm sorry
Ckay
/-\|| right
I can't show it in this condition -What is this?
You don't even want to see the toilets.
(PHoNE RINGING)
Excuse me
Wait'II I catch these kids
Break a few windows, think they're Johnny Badass
The fuckin' jackals
Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down.
You better not be in this mood
-And I need you to pick up sausage. Yeah, how many pounds, hot or sweet?
Don't you act like it's a chore This party was your idea.
You said you were happy Janice was home.
And my parents are coming and
Ch, really?
She said some horrible things to them over the years.
Hey, I'm not defending her She's dead to me.
lVIope your way through this I'II cut your throat.
I've been in a great mood lately -Right.
You need to start therapy again You're self-medicating.
We haven't had sex since -Forget it. No therapy.
You should take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom.
They're rookies. They're not used to this kind of stress ....
He better not say a word -It won't happen again.
-You got my word on that. I appreciate it, Chris, thank you
Come on in
Hey, Chris, brought you a little capp
Thanks
Sit down
Refresh my memory on this play we're making on Webistics.
Trade on the bulletin board, CTC
If we cold-call enough seniors, pump and dump
Yeah, yeah. You guys ain't spent much time in the NFL, face it.
What? Two years with Eddie Stags
Besides waxing his car
-When he was in county-- When you're bleeding a guy
you don't squeeze him dry right away.
Contrarily, you let him do his bidding. Suavely
So you can bleed next week and the week after. At a minimum.
We don't need a guy getting pissed and running to the SEC.
You'II know when you need to know
Excellent
This is cold, by the way
Guys
Any more Porsches disappear, make it two towns over. And I want a taste.
You're the man
She's gonna be so happy to see you
Grandma, you've got to eat
Let me die
Don't say that
I saw alight
And voices calling out to me
What went on with you and Dad? lVIom won't tell me.
He blames me for everything
I know. l\/Ie too
At night...they hit us
Why can't our family just get along? -Some people don't want to.
But you, you listen to him You do what he says.
He's your father
I won't leave you here like this. They can't stop me from seeing you
lVIeadow. lVIeadow
Take that, in the drawer, in the drawer. Take it.
Ch, my God. This was your grandmother's, wasn't it?
It's so you won't forget me
(RCCK iviusic PLAYING)
Come on, motherfuck!
(CD IVICRPHING)
Ch, fuck
(RCCK MUSIC PICKS UP)
I told my family I got broadsided.
but I passed out behind the wheel
See, my mother and me we had a falling out.
And since then, things have been good.
-Clean break. What kind of falling out?
A lot of screaming, profanity
Anyway, things were good
And then my sister came back It's good to see her, I guess.
Cues from childhood kick in Clder sister.
That should be obvious enough
It's starting to bleed into my business.
What sort of business?
Commercial and non-putrescible waste
Spears
I know who you are. And I saw Analyze This
I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone.
like yourself
Analyze This?
It's a comedy
I'm not taking new patients
Ch, my baby sister!
Ch, you look great! Who is this little guy?
(J/- |cE SCREAIVIING )
Ch, fuck!
-Carm, the fire's almost ready. Great, Parv, I'II be out in a second
Parvati," she's a cheese now?
It's a Hindu goddess -Nice for her.
She still answers to "Janice" if it makes you more comfortable
Canned pears, not fresh. That's the secret to my pound cake
And get some basilico while you're there.
-The pears, you want the Dole? I'm not even gonna answer this time
There's a new market, Dad, on Pike. Lot of changes since you've been here
With that lVIommy Dearest around? Never again, I swore it.
It's exactly what she wanted. You played right into her hands
She said it was a mistake. Tony would get bored with you.
Hey, take it easy
(CHATTERING )
Tom, let me ask you something You ever go down to Cape ....
I love seeing them like that over a fire.
They're better over a spit
Who does Anthony look like right now?
Da
lVIa? A little weak but she's all there
Some family reunion, our mother is barred from the premises.
You shouIdn't get too close. Look what she tried to do to Tony
I have no fantasies about my mother
You know he's selling the house? lVIa's house.
That's what I'm talking about. Don't get involved, let Tony handle it.
I called you 'cause I thought you'd want to know if your mother was ill
180 grand he's asking for that place Like he needs that.
I'm glad someone's taking charge
You'II get your cut
What? I mean, lVIa still has rights
Take it easy. According to you, that couId've been Robert lVIitchum
Jesus Christ. Fucking Paulie Gualtieri. Isn't he dead yet?
You're not gonna stay for dessert? It's grappa cake my mother made.
l\/ly friends are having a gallery opening...
and I'm trying to get them to finance my video.
I'II leave some cake out for you
Hey, I'm sorry
-Hey. What's up?
What the fuck?
I am sure there's an explanation -Ch, there is. There is.
Take l\/Ia back to Seattle. She came for the house and a $400 car.
That was the con. That's the level she works at
lVIaybe the sign was broken or fell -I'm still a little fat kid to her.
She think she's gonna stop the sale, picking up a sign?
She were here, I'd bounce her head against the wall!
Look at yourself, Tony!
What do you care about that house?
It's not gonna stop with the house The $300 pillow...
-...then the video equipment. When are you getting back to therapy?
Hey, don't start with that. Ckay?
I'm not insane and I'm not overreacting. You don't know
this little pucchiac -All right!
This is getting you no place Go outside...
-Fucking bitch! Tony! Go ahead. Go have a beer
-What the fuck you doing? Second seating coming up
Fucking moron
Look at my wife over there
No, wait, Ton. The neighbor's dog is on your property.
Anyway, we flew first class
What service?
You get frequent flyer upgrades?
Where'd you get the tickets? Cuban? -Yeah.
There must be a way to divert frequent flyer miles on a grand scale
You gotta break into the main computer.
What is that, "cracking"? -Hacking.
Shelley Hack! Remember her?
Yeah, those were the days -Good actress.
I used to go down to lVIuIberry St. when I was a kid. Sausage and peppers.
Now you go down there and there's these guys with towels ....
(PAULIE SINGING)
You didn't like it? -Fuck off.
So when do we get to roll with Tony?
-What? Are you tripping?
We gotta work our way up
lVIust be deep, hanging out with him
Who? lVIr. T.
We don't mind, we'II do anything Wet work, pick up his shirts.
Does Tony ever...taIk about us?
You gonna drink orjust sit there? -Sit.
What the fuck's the matter with you? -You leave my gas burner on.
Why you can't use a lighter to cook your shit is beyond me.
When things were finally going good -Shut up!
Why? They'II still kiss ass. They don't care if you're a junkie
Sit down!
I hate you, fucking pig. Get off me! -Fucking whore!
-Fuck you. Go home! Get my dinner ready!
Don't yell. Don't scream
All cutlery stays right where it is
How's the bagels here?
You don't answer my calls I got no choice.
Walking away is a choice. Ruining my practice, it's a choice.
You got your office back No harm done.
Cne of my patients committed suicide because I wasn't available to her.
Know what that means to me?
She can't eat bagels
She's gone. She's in the ground because of you.
I don't deserve your help
And I hate your system -Fuck you!
But I got a family
Believe it or not, they're better off with me than without
And I don't know what else to do
I drove off the road -You look fine.
The airbag
You told me if I was driving and -That...
I don't blame you
lVIaybe you can recommend somebody -I would never...
.ask another colleague to get involved in this.
How many more have to die for your personal growth?
Look at me
I swear to Jesus Christ, nobody got killed 'cause of you
Get out of my life!
He
What are you doing home?
Nothing
I thought it was AJ home from school
You all right? -Yeah.
Want a little cold pasta? I could microwave it.
Looks good
Want cheese, something to drink? -Nah.
Sit down
(PCP SCNG PLAYING)