"Whales Whores"
Alright, everyone. Welcome to the dolphin encounter
here at the Denver Aquarium!
My name is Chad and I'll be your guide and trainer
as you meet these intelligent, and truly magical creatures.
And here they come.
This is Trigger and Dolly. And there's Bubbles.
- Pretty neat birthday, huh, Stan? - This is gonna be awesome!
If they come near you, you can touch their backs.
Just no grabbing, please. What whimsical creatures, aren't they?
All of the dolphins you will be encountering today
are Atlantic bottlenose dolphins.
Now who'd like to get a kiss from one?
- I would like to... - Me! I wanna kiss it!
Alright. Let's just get you to put your hands, palms down on the water.
What is that?
It's the Japanese!
Fuck you, dolphin!
These are our favorite animals here at the Atlanta Zoo.
It's Dolly and Seamore. They are beluga whales.
These whales live mostly in the arctic...
Fuck you, whales!
Alright, Jessica. Now put your arms out like this.
Great job, Jessica!
Fuck you, whale!
Hey, pal.
Sorry your birthday got a little ruined by the Japanese.
Dad, why did they do that?
Well, Stan, the Japanese just...
don't really like dolphins very much.
Certainly not as much as us normal people do.
But, at least you still got your t-shirt!
And you'll always have your neat picture.
Dan Dierdorf here welcoming you to this great football matchup
between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins.
We're all set for kick-off and...
Dan, it looks like some Japanese people are now rushing onto the field.
This is not the kind of thing you want happening during kickoff.
Fuck you, dolphin!
Several whales and dolphins were again slaughtered by the Japanese today.
This time at the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom near San Francisco.
Aquariums had been experimenting with methods to keep the Japanese out,
but so far nothing seems to stop them.
When asked if all of Japan
supported the slaughtering of whales and dolphins,
the current prime minister of Japan,
Yukio Hatoyama had this to say.
Fuck you, whale!
And Fuck you, dolphin!
Guys!
Look, I really think it's time for us to do something.
- This is all getting way out of hand. - What do you mean? This song is sweet.
No, not the song.
I'm talking about the Japanese killing whales and dolphins.
- They've been doing that for long. - So?
Don't you guys care? We have to do something!
What can we do?
It's not like we can change the way a country thinks.
I don't like it, but it's just their way.
Everyone has an attitude of...
"that's the way they are" and "that's the way it is".
Nobody likes it but everyone's too busy to do anything.
I'm not too busy, Stan.
- You're not? - No. I just don't care at all.
You don't care about whales and dolphins being slaughtered?
Me and Kenny don't give two shits
about stupid ass whales.
When all the whales and dolphins are gone, people are going to wish
that at some point, they took the time to care just a little goddamn bit!
I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree
I heard you're looking for people who care about the slaughter of whales!
Butters, you wanna help?
No. I got stuff to do.
But I wanted to tell you, there's these fellers on TV.
They go out in the ocean and try to stop the Japanese wherever they are!
Really? People who are doing something?
I watch their show all the time. And they take volunteers!
Then that's where I belong.
We are badass.
Any means necessary.
We're not protesters.
We're pirates.
That's definitely a Japanese boat. Looks like they're whaling now!
Fuck you, whale!
Oh, my God, they're gonna kill those humpbacks!
- We gotta do something! - Pull up next to them. The fight is on!
Sweet!
Are we ready to do this?
- Yeah! Let's do it! - Are we badasses?
Are we badasses?
Alright, so...
What do we do?
Wait. I know!
How about we go on their ship and then beat ourselves up!
And then we can tell the media they did it!
- Great idea, captain! - I'll start right now!
Oh, my God. Luke's been hurt trying to save whales!
Wait! I've got a better idea!
How about I pretend to be shot!
Then we can tell the media the Japanese shot me
and it'll start a international crisis!
Well, wait, wait. We don't wanna just lie about stuff.
Why not?
Because then we're just douche bags. They're right here. Let's get hardcore!
You know what? He's right!
It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready?
Ready? And...
Throw the stinky butter at them!
You stink now.
- Wait, that's it? - Yeah, we make 'em stink!
Your boat is stinky! Here, throw one!
They're always covered in guts! They don't care if they stink!
Let's break their boat!
No, that'd be illegal.
I thought you guys were pirates in a war!
I'm a pirate in a war!
Pirates don't worry about the law. You guys said you were badasses!
We are! People think our methods are extreme,
but we'll keep making their boat stink as long as they're whaling!
The Japanese are scared of how hardcore we are!
- What do we do? - We don't have a captain!
Maybe he's okay.
- Oh, my God! - What did you do?
What you assholes acted like you were doing.
Wait for it...
Now!
And now, Larry King! Live!
My guest tonight is the boy
who took over the Whale Wars reality show
and turned it into a big hit.
Please welcome, Stan Marsh and his crew.
Hey, Jordon! I'm on Larry King, mate!
So, Stan, what motivated you,
what inspired you
to get out there and make a hit TV show?
No, I don't care about the TV show.
I'm just trying to stop the Japanese from killing dolphins and whales.
Once you became captain, the methods used to stop the Japanese
definitely became more aggressive.
Was that the key to helping boost your ratings?
- I don't care about the show. - We're pirates!
I want people to know that you can stop the Japanese if you got some real balls.
I've got balls!
Well, there are many people who see what you're doing as a positive thing,
and of course many that see problems with it.
Joining us now is one of those people...
You say Stan's methods are unethical.
Larry, you can't just go out and take matters into your own hands like this.
If you want a hit TV show you have to go through producers,
directors, people that are in the unions.
But, Sid, you saw the show before Stan took it over.
You have to admit that it was nothing but incompetent vegan pussies
doing absolutely nothing and trying to turn it into drama.
Yes, but it doesn't justify changing the entire show structure
that their old captain had pitched to the network.
Could we please just talk about the whaling problem for a second?
But their old captain,
Paul Watson, was an unorganized, incompetent media whore
who thought lying to everyone was okay as long as it served his cause.
Yes, of course everyone knows that Paul Watson was a smug,
narcoleptic liar with no credibility, but...
Screw this. I gotta get back to work.
On this episode of real actual Whale Wars...
Captain Marsh searches for the Japanese fleet,
knowing they could be absolutely anywhere...
Would you mind stepping back a little?
Captain, some new volunteers showed up to help us in our crusade.
No, dude, we really can't take any more volunteers.
But they say you know them.
Alright, dude. This is pretty sweet.
- What, dude? - What, so now that I have a hit TV show
you guys care about dolphins and whales?
We always have.
- I asked you guys to help me and you said no. - That's not what we said.
You said,
"Me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid ass whales."
We were talking about Wales the country.
If you admit that you are doing this because you want to be on TV,
then I'll consider it.
Admit you just want to be on TV.
I deserve to be on TV.
Captain, the Japanese have been spotted near buoy 24!
Out of port! All hands to stations.
Alright. Let's go save those whales, you guys!
Captain Marsh races his boat
to the last known location of the Japanese whalers.
If he doesn't get there in time,
hundreds of dolphins or whales could die.
When we get there we gotta be ready to deploy the tracking devices!
We can't let those whales get hurt!
- What the hell was that? - We just got rammed.
- The Japanese want to play that way? - It's not the Japanese.
What?
On deck, the crew is surprised at what they see.
The other boat is from Deadliest Catch, a crab fishing reality show.
You think you're so cool, don't you?
You think you're a big boat reality show on the block?
Take it away men's livelihoods.
What? We're trying to get to some whales.
You're taking viewers away from our show you stupid ass.
Your show is fucking gay, dude.
Your show is fucking gay.
Screw this. Turn hard to port.
But everywhere his reality show boat turns,
the crab fishing reality show blocks its path.
- Dude, fuck you. - Fuck you.
It's been three hours and the crab fishing reality show isn't budging.
Captain Marsh's boat is dead in the water.
Can't go after the Japanese, can't help the whales or dolphins.
Once again on Whale Wars, nothing is happening.
It's pretty difficult times because...
we know that every minute we're sitting here stopped,
another whale is dying.
Really tough. You know. It's really hard.
It's like we've dedicated all our times and our lives to saving these creatures.
He's taking it especially hard.
He's always loved dolphins so much that he...
Yeah, but keep it in the two shot.
He's always loved dolphins so much that he would do anything.
Crab fishing reality show is doing just fine.
But for the Whale Wars crew, it appears the show is over.
Until a sound is heard.
What was that?
Captain, look!
The whales are taking out the crab fishermen reality show.
It's like they know.
They do know.
They know everything I've been trying to do for them.
Our gentle friends of the sea have saved the day.
Because they know that only we can save them from the Japanese.
Jesus Christ!
We got to get something to shoot them with.
Look out!
I can't believe it.
Dude, you know what?
Japanese people really do not like whales.
Well, I'm in Japanese prison lord.
Japanese prison got me down.
Said I'm in Japanese prison lord.
Don't belong here. My eyes are round.
Will you stop that?
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making things uncomfortable for you, Stan?
It's your fault me and Kenny are in the mess!
Things are bad enough without you being a smart ass!
There's whales out there being slaughtered right now
and I can't do anything about it!
- So just keep quiet. - You don't have a TV show anymore, captain,
so you can suck my Japanese imprisoned balls.
I'm in a Japanese prison lord. Japanese balls got me down.
So you are the ones
who have been a sinking our boats!
You speak English?
You have caused us many problems!
Set us back many months!
Sir, we actually don't give two shits about you killing whales.
Can we go?
Why have you done this?
Why do you insist on making trouble for the Japanese?
Why do you do what you do?
You know that 98% of the world is against whaling?
Why can't you just stop?
You think you have the right to tell us
what is OK?
I have something to show you.
This is Hiroshima.
Over 50 years ago,
this entire city was destroyed by nuclear bomb.
We built this museum
so that we never forget what happened.
What? Dude...
At 8:15 AM,
the people of Hiroshima were just minding their own business,
when out of nowhere, a flash devastated them all.
Women, children, who died in the flash
simply evaporated.
Those left alive,
suffered the worst pain of all.
Burns, radiation poisoning.
For generations the radiation affected the victims.
Japanese babies born without limbs.
Without eyes!
Sorry.
Little gassy. Excuse me.
140,000 Japanese
were kill by atom bomb.
We have never recovered from the memory of that day.
It is impossible
for a nation to ever forgive an act so horrible.
This picture shows the plane that dropped the bomb.
It was called the Enola Gay.
And it was flown by the monsters who dropped the bomb that day.
Dolphin, and whale!
- Where did you get that picture? - The Americans were nice enough
to give it to us the day after the bombing.
We were so thankful for the picture,
that the next day we ended our war with America.
We will never forgive.
Never rest until they are all wiped out.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, dolphin and whale!
So that's what this has all been about.
Dude, it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed Hiroshima,
it was the...
Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out.
Oh, right.
Look, I think I can make everything OK here.
Can I just use a phone?
Dude, are you sitting at your computer?
I need you to do something for me.
Mr. Prime Minister, Japanese officials...
There's something you need to know.
The photo you were given of the Enola Gay was doctored.
Because the real bombers feared retaliation so badly
that they simply pointed the finger at somebody else.
My government has authorized me to give you the original photo,
unaltered, so you can finally know the truth.
Dolphins and whales were just framed by the real bombers.
A chicken and cow.
Chicken and cow?
Chicken and cow used poor dolphin and whale as scapegoat?
This is outrage!
Fuck you, cow!
Fuck you, chicken!
Great job, son.
Now the Japanese are normal, like us.
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