1 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,847 SouthParkNews.net La Fabrique 2 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,087 {\pub}{\pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch! 3 00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:53,178 Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! 4 00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:58,224 You motherfucker! I never should have married you! 5 00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:01,269 You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow! 6 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,272 Then why the fuck are you getting text messages 7 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,233 from some low-life hooker on Thanksgiving? 8 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,736 God, shut up! Shut up! 9 00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,280 Where are my fucking pills? 10 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,867 Take more Vicodin, Tiger! That'll help! 11 00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:18,912 - Will you just listen to me? - Listen to this! 12 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,581 You fucking whore! 13 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,961 Where the fuck do you think you're going? 14 00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:29,631 I'm getting the fuck away from you! 15 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,553 Open the door, you motherfucker! 16 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,432 Chase after me in the car, Kenny! 17 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,018 - What are you {\*guys }doing? - {\*Dude, }Check it out. 18 00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:44,646 It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox. 19 00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:51,152 - Fuck you, cunt! - Stop breaking through the window{\*, Kenny}! 20 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:52,612 I'm gonna crash! 21 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,286 Look what you did, you crazy bitch! 22 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:03,623 Serves you right, you cheating turd! 23 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,836 - {\*Dude, }Was that a combo move? - Yeah, {\*dude, }I fucked you up! 24 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,797 {\*Dude, }Here come the cops! We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie! 25 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,383 I didn't know golf games were this cool! 26 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,261 Yeah, {\*dude, }EA Sports outdid themselves this time. 27 00:02:16,429 --> 00:02:18,596 {\$CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION} 28 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,726 I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds 29 00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:24,102 our country has to offer. 30 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:27,814 As you have all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis. 31 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,567 And we need to find out what's causing it. Why! 32 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:33,987 Why are rich successful men suddenly going out 33 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,364 and trying to have sex with lots of women. 34 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,743 Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, 35 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,370 but our data shows that the numbers are growing. 36 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,706 David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. 37 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,124 There is a pattern here{\*, people}. 38 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,502 Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money 39 00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:53,006 use that to try and have sex with lots of different women? 40 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:57,510 And these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home! 41 00:02:57,635 --> 00:02:59,804 Why would they even think of sex with others? 42 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:00,930 Dammit. 43 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:03,641 I want answers. 44 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:07,604 We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir. 45 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,439 Sex a woo-hoo? 46 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,442 It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet. 47 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,195 But it seems to make people... different. 48 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,282 Of course, we {\*all }know the normal {\*healthy }male thinks only of sex occasionally 49 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:21,785 and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. 50 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,411 Of course. 51 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,872 - Definitely true. - {\*Yes, }We all know that, go on. 52 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,874 But in the sex addict, 53 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:31,753 their {\*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. 54 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:35,465 The mere sight of an attractive woman can make him think about sex with her. 55 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,884 But what about love? 56 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:41,596 How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? 57 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,226 What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction? 58 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,020 It could be caused by something in the water supply. 59 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:51,773 - Perhaps even by global warming. - Or cooling. 60 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:56,111 If so, then the disease could start to affect our children. 61 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,779 That does it. 62 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,783 I want health screenings at all our nation's schools. 63 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,745 We need to find out if {\*any }young people might be carrying this disease. 64 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,040 Good afternoon, students. 65 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,501 We are going to be doing a health screening today. 66 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,087 It won't take long, and will be relatively painless, 67 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:17,173 but we need to see if any students are showing symptoms. 68 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,260 In a moment, I am going to show you a suggestive picture, 69 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,389 and {\*then }I am going to ask you a question about the picture. 70 00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:26,140 All right. Ready? 71 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:27,225 Here we go. 72 00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:30,395 What? 73 00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,022 Jesus, dude. 74 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,483 Holy Moly. What's that, between the lady's legs? 75 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:36,567 It's all bushy! 76 00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,654 Please just study the picture the best you can, students. 77 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,198 I'll then ask a question which you'll answer on the paper{\* provided}. 78 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,409 I've never seen that part of a lady! 79 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:47,078 Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they? 80 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,329 Okay, very good. 81 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,124 Now, what color... 82 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,627 was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? 83 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:58,256 Write down your answer, please. What color was the handkerchief 84 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,632 in the nice lady's hand. 85 00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:04,679 Did you see the bush on that lady? What the heck was that? 86 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,931 Very good. Turn your answers over, please. 87 00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,477 Gee wiz, it was like almost up to her belly button. 88 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,936 All right, now. 89 00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:15,189 Who answered that the handkerchief was yellow? 90 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,610 Very good. Very good indeed. 91 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:21,112 Now I'd like to see, who answered: 92 00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:22,947 "What handkerchief?" 93 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,790 You three boys, please come with me. 94 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,252 I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see {\*a handkerchief}it, Kenny? 95 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:38,588 Fuck no, I wasn't looking at any handkerchief! 96 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:46,137 I'm sorry{\* boys}, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction. 97 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,306 - What? - Oh no! 98 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:49,599 Who fucking cares. 99 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,893 {\*We are going to}We'll have to send you home, I'm afraid. 100 00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,854 Wait, we're sex addicts? Are you sure? 101 00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:58,900 Our nice lady with a handkerchief test is {\*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough. 102 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:02,695 {\*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal{\*, well-adjusted} students. 103 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,740 It was just... so big and bushy, sir! 104 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:09,285 - Why does it look like that? - So what happens to us now? 105 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,623 A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. 106 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,459 Your addiction will start off slowly, magazines, Internet sites. 107 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:20,338 But {\*then }as you keep chasing your high, your tastes will get more {\*and more }dangerous. 108 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,925 {\*Most likely, }You'll end up {\*going the way of}like David Carradine and Michael Hutchence. 109 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,802 Autoerotic asphyxiation. 110 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:28,555 Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that? 111 00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:31,224 I don't want to go into too much detail, but... 112 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,226 you choke yourself with a belt{\* around your neck}, 113 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,478 while masturbating, dressed up like Batman{\* or something}. 114 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:36,938 Then you pass out{\* from lack of air}, 115 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:40,316 and apparently, it makes your orgasm super awesome. 116 00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,609 Really? 117 00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:45,446 I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume! 118 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,491 Ladies and gentlemen, for the past {\*several }days 119 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:52,203 we have been screening {\*our nation's }schools for signs of sex addition. 120 00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,956 The results of our tests are troubling, to say the least. 121 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,124 Dr. Tonton? 122 00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,754 In fourth graders, 5% of male students were found to be sex addicts. 123 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,840 By sixth grade, the number goes up to 30%. 124 00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:05,258 At high schools, 125 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:08,428 nearly 91% of male students answered 126 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:09,887 "What handkerchief?" 127 00:07:10,304 --> 00:07:13,391 We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. 128 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,643 Young people all over America are infected 129 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,437 and at an extreme risk to themselves 130 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:20,648 and to the people around them. They're leading lives of secret pain. 131 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,692 And so, these infected boys 132 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:25,278 will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex 133 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,363 all the time with lots of different people? 134 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,698 It appears so. 135 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,867 The poor bastards. 136 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,787 But what about us, normal healthy adults? 137 00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:36,664 Are we at risk of exposure? 138 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,207 We don't believe so. 139 00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,961 In adult males, for whatever reason, {\*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic 140 00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:44,255 amongst rich, successful celebrities. 141 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,174 However, we are still collecting data. 142 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:50,970 {\*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man to {\*go out and }have sex with everyone he could? 143 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,808 Whatever is causing this outbreak, 144 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,435 we guarantee we will find it. 145 00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,021 Kenny, it's time for dinner! 146 00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:09,781 Sunset and evening star, 147 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,908 and one clear call for me! 148 00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,993 And may there be no moaning of the bar, 149 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,788 - when I put out to sea. - {\*Oh }My God, it's true. 150 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,499 But such a tide as moving seems asleep, 151 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,584 too full for sound and foam, 152 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:24,087 when that which drew from out the boundless deep... 153 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,839 There! It was like that! 154 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,757 It looked just like that! 155 00:08:31,304 --> 00:08:32,887 Just like this but smaller! 156 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:35,181 {\*And }Right {\*in the place}where her underwear should have been! 157 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,891 If I trim it down, it'll look right. 158 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,476 Butters, stop it! 159 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,395 But this is what I keep seeing in my head! 160 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:44,065 {\*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it? {\*We're going to}We'll end up {\*just }like Kenny! 161 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,984 If I can just see it again, I'll be fine! 162 00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:48,277 {\*Butters, }Stop! 163 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,572 - Leave me alone! - Stop it!{\* Stop!} 164 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:56,786 Oh God! 165 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,080 Help us! 166 00:09:06,059 --> 00:09:08,353 {\pub}{\pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive. 167 00:09:09,104 --> 00:09:10,939 {\pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here. 168 00:09:11,648 --> 00:09:13,233 {\pos(192,245)}Concentration is key. 169 00:09:13,775 --> 00:09:16,987 {\pos(192,245)}You motherfucker! I never should have married you! 170 00:09:17,654 --> 00:09:18,989 {\pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it! 171 00:09:19,114 --> 00:09:22,145 {\pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck? How many? 172 00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:25,857 - Dude, I clocked you! - I told you this game was sweet{\*, dude}. 173 00:09:27,247 --> 00:09:29,332 {\pos(192,245)}Hang on. I'm switching to a seven iron. 174 00:09:32,919 --> 00:09:34,671 Man, I lost another endorsement! 175 00:09:34,796 --> 00:09:36,701 - How'd you do that? - Hit A and X together. 176 00:09:37,549 --> 00:09:38,675 {\pos(192,245)}Round 2. 177 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,260 {\pos(192,245)}Fight! 178 00:09:42,137 --> 00:09:43,430 You're going down, Elin! 179 00:09:43,555 --> 00:09:45,376 I don't think so{\*, dude}. I got the prenup power up. 180 00:09:46,016 --> 00:09:47,253 {\pos(192,245)}Prenup power up! 181 00:09:48,768 --> 00:09:51,062 {\pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak! When did you get that power up? 182 00:09:52,772 --> 00:09:54,177 All right, sex addicts! 183 00:09:54,439 --> 00:09:56,818 What other destructive behaviors did we engage in, 184 00:09:56,943 --> 00:09:59,015 which lead to our ultimate downfall? 185 00:10:00,030 --> 00:10:01,740 Anyone have another example? 186 00:10:01,865 --> 00:10:04,020 Let's see. How about... David! 187 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:07,871 Having sex with employees. 188 00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:11,791 Sex with employees, definitely a danger there. 189 00:10:11,916 --> 00:10:13,905 What else? Mr. Clinton? 190 00:10:14,586 --> 00:10:16,491 Putting cigars in girls' vaginas. 191 00:10:17,088 --> 00:10:20,634 Very good, Billy. Cigars in vaginas. 192 00:10:20,759 --> 00:10:22,455 Not the best idea there. 193 00:10:22,802 --> 00:10:25,166 Watching Internet porn all day every day? 194 00:10:25,513 --> 00:10:27,182 Spot on, Charlie Sheen. 195 00:10:27,307 --> 00:10:30,185 Excessive Internet porn. 196 00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,646 Now, the reason we are making this list 197 00:10:32,771 --> 00:10:35,023 is that we have new members today! 198 00:10:35,148 --> 00:10:38,221 I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers! 199 00:10:42,822 --> 00:10:45,408 Would you care to share your stories with us, boys? 200 00:10:48,036 --> 00:10:49,788 {\*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict. 201 00:10:49,913 --> 00:10:52,415 I'm so scared. I haven't even told my mom yet. 202 00:10:53,041 --> 00:10:54,654 Does your mom have big tits? 203 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:56,531 Sorry. 204 00:10:56,878 --> 00:10:57,796 Me, I just... 205 00:10:57,921 --> 00:11:00,076 I just can't stop thinking about bush. 206 00:11:00,465 --> 00:11:01,536 I heard that. 207 00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:04,719 {\*I mean, }It's like... What is it? What does it mean? 208 00:11:04,844 --> 00:11:06,374 Why would there be a bush{\* right there}? 209 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,126 Is it a live bush? Are there berries? 210 00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:10,628 Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off. 211 00:11:11,518 --> 00:11:12,519 Gee wiz. 212 00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:15,341 To better understand the sex addiction outbreak 213 00:11:16,356 --> 00:11:18,720 we have been running tests on chimpanzees. 214 00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:22,181 {\*You can see that }This entire community of specimens are getting along normally, 215 00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:23,975 some pairing off, others on their own. 216 00:11:24,447 --> 00:11:25,685 {\*Now, }See this chimp here. 217 00:11:26,074 --> 00:11:29,564 An average, normal adult male. Blending in seamlessly with the others. 218 00:11:30,036 --> 00:11:33,039 Now watch. We are going to give it a lot of money. 219 00:11:33,873 --> 00:11:34,736 Go ahead. 220 00:11:56,271 --> 00:11:57,272 My God! 221 00:12:16,291 --> 00:12:18,613 The subject is now isolated and shunned. 222 00:12:18,918 --> 00:12:21,296 Incredible. And what is it doing now? 223 00:12:21,421 --> 00:12:24,035 Making a public apology on its talk show. 224 00:12:28,136 --> 00:12:29,137 Alrighty!{\* Now,} 225 00:12:29,596 --> 00:12:31,918 We all know the destructive behavior 226 00:12:32,307 --> 00:12:35,046 that got us into this predicament, don't we? 227 00:12:35,435 --> 00:12:38,883 What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? 228 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:39,717 {\*Yes, }Tiger! 229 00:12:40,732 --> 00:12:42,859 Avoid drugs and alcohol? 230 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,600 No, Tiger. You still aren't getting it. 231 00:12:48,531 --> 00:12:51,618 In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives 232 00:12:51,743 --> 00:12:54,704 with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... 233 00:12:54,829 --> 00:12:55,872 Anyone? 234 00:12:55,997 --> 00:12:57,735 Avoid getting... Anyone? 235 00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:58,862 Caught. 236 00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,780 Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone? 237 00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,323 Getting caught. 238 00:13:02,837 --> 00:13:04,798 Very good! You are all here in therapy 239 00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:06,452 because you got... 240 00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:07,286 caught! 241 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,164 {\*So, }How to we avoid getting caught? Ben Roethlisberger. 242 00:13:11,888 --> 00:13:14,878 Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms? 243 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:16,838 When they ask you for money, pay them. 244 00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:17,964 Good{\*, yes}. 245 00:13:18,311 --> 00:13:19,354 Hang on. 246 00:13:19,479 --> 00:13:21,856 We shouldn't be learning how to not get caught. 247 00:13:21,981 --> 00:13:24,567 We have to take responsibility for our actions. 248 00:13:28,154 --> 00:13:30,240 What the fuck are you talking about? 249 00:13:31,783 --> 00:13:33,868 We have to accept that we have a problem 250 00:13:33,993 --> 00:13:36,329 and put the blame completely on ourselves. 251 00:13:36,955 --> 00:13:39,290 {\*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really even a disease. 252 00:13:47,966 --> 00:13:48,967 {\*Yeah, }It's me. 253 00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:51,219 We've got a turd in the punch bowl. 254 00:13:52,178 --> 00:13:54,889 I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl. 255 00:13:57,517 --> 00:14:00,673 Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. 256 00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:02,981 The monkeys who were given cash always acted out 257 00:14:03,106 --> 00:14:05,400 their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. 258 00:14:05,525 --> 00:14:08,069 It appears that money has a direct effect 259 00:14:08,194 --> 00:14:10,308 on the viruses ability to develop. 260 00:14:10,905 --> 00:14:14,020 So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success. 261 00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:15,368 No good{\* Mr. President}. 262 00:14:15,827 --> 00:14:19,164 Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money 263 00:14:19,289 --> 00:14:21,903 and become successful in order to feed their addiction. 264 00:14:22,417 --> 00:14:25,712 {\*You mean }Boys will start working towards being rich and successful 265 00:14:25,837 --> 00:14:28,326 just so they can one day have sex with lots of women? 266 00:14:29,632 --> 00:14:32,719 That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues. 267 00:14:32,844 --> 00:14:35,221 We tried to find something in hundred dollar bills 268 00:14:35,346 --> 00:14:37,724 that could explain why this is happening now. 269 00:14:37,849 --> 00:14:40,505 Then we looked at the backside and found this. 270 00:14:42,437 --> 00:14:43,883 Independence Hall, 271 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,509 the birthplace of our country. 272 00:14:46,149 --> 00:14:48,555 We believe something is happening at Independence Hall 273 00:14:48,723 --> 00:14:50,862 that gives money its power over men. 274 00:14:51,112 --> 00:14:52,447 Independence Hall, 275 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:54,157 Independence Day, 276 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:55,700 aliens. 277 00:14:56,993 --> 00:14:57,994 Gentlemen, 278 00:14:58,286 --> 00:15:00,900 I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. 279 00:15:01,331 --> 00:15:03,124 This is highly classified, 280 00:15:03,249 --> 00:15:05,877 but in 1947, a flying saucer was discovered 281 00:15:06,002 --> 00:15:07,670 in Roswell, New Mexico. 282 00:15:08,171 --> 00:15:11,382 Two deceased alien {\*bodies }were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. 283 00:15:11,507 --> 00:15:13,551 They carried a virus with them, 284 00:15:14,093 --> 00:15:17,722 {\*a virus }that{\* apparently} was only barely stopped from spreading all over the country. 285 00:15:18,556 --> 00:15:22,268 And you think these aliens could be back with a new virus, 286 00:15:22,393 --> 00:15:25,438 {\*one }originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men 287 00:15:25,563 --> 00:15:27,218 to have sex with lots of women? 288 00:15:28,274 --> 00:15:31,194 It's the only explanation that makes any sense. 289 00:15:37,409 --> 00:15:39,411 {\pub}{\pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry 290 00:15:39,536 --> 00:15:42,247 {\pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. 291 00:15:42,831 --> 00:15:45,792 {\pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed all of you. 292 00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:48,462 {\pos(192,240)}Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt 293 00:15:48,587 --> 00:15:50,505 {\pos(192,240)}or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. 294 00:15:50,797 --> 00:15:53,925 {\pos(192,240)}It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. 295 00:15:54,176 --> 00:15:56,303 {\pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing but grace and poise. 296 00:15:56,428 --> 00:15:57,721 {\pos(192,240)}You motherfucker! 297 00:15:59,556 --> 00:16:01,600 I should have never married you! 298 00:16:01,725 --> 00:16:03,296 - Stop it! - A porn star? 299 00:16:03,685 --> 00:16:05,590 You screwed a porn star? 300 00:16:06,021 --> 00:16:08,607 {\*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number on my cell phone? 301 00:16:08,732 --> 00:16:10,233 {\*Yeah, }Back in that water level. 302 00:16:12,152 --> 00:16:14,196 Is Kyle still at sex addiction therapy? 303 00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:15,809 That must be really intense. 304 00:16:21,107 --> 00:16:22,746 {\*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now? 305 00:16:23,121 --> 00:16:26,903 We are on our way to help take care of your diseases once and for all! 306 00:16:27,292 --> 00:16:29,447 Good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore. 307 00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:32,700 Don't worry. As soon as it's dead, everything will make sense. 308 00:16:34,049 --> 00:16:35,411 As soon as what's dead? 309 00:16:35,702 --> 00:16:37,247 - Jesus! - He just doesn't get it! 310 00:16:37,636 --> 00:16:40,222 The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out 311 00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:41,932 at Independence Hall! 312 00:16:53,693 --> 00:16:55,598 Entrance is clear, Mr. President! 313 00:16:57,489 --> 00:17:00,186 Mr. President, you aren't safe here, let us handle this. 314 00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,035 Right side clear! 315 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,328 We must be careful. 316 00:17:03,453 --> 00:17:06,443 The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility. 317 00:17:06,790 --> 00:17:09,362 Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard. 318 00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:11,169 {\*Yes!}It explains everything! 319 00:17:11,294 --> 00:17:14,840 A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species. 320 00:17:14,965 --> 00:17:17,370 Causing all the men to become sex addicts. 321 00:17:17,759 --> 00:17:18,593 Enough! 322 00:17:18,718 --> 00:17:20,957 We've to find the wizard alien and break his spell! 323 00:17:21,346 --> 00:17:23,557 Okay, okay. All right, hang on guys. 324 00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:25,976 {\*I mean }Come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. 325 00:17:26,101 --> 00:17:27,269 Wizard alien? 326 00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:29,632 We all know what's going on here, don't we? 327 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,483 Whenever a story breaks about some rich {\*famous }guy going around 328 00:17:33,608 --> 00:17:37,195 and having sex with tons of girls, we all {\*want to }act like we don't understand it. 329 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,405 But we do. 330 00:17:38,530 --> 00:17:39,906 We're guys, you know? 331 00:17:40,031 --> 00:17:42,186 Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male, 332 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:43,687 {\*and }get all the women that we can. 333 00:17:44,536 --> 00:17:45,829 {\*I mean, }Look where we are! 334 00:17:45,954 --> 00:17:48,707 Even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved, 335 00:17:48,832 --> 00:17:50,000 because he could. 336 00:17:50,125 --> 00:17:53,295 We don't have to condone what these rich famous people do, 337 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,922 but we can at least admit that given the same temptations 338 00:17:56,047 --> 00:17:58,925 and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, 339 00:17:59,050 --> 00:18:01,428 a lot of guys might do something similar. 340 00:18:05,849 --> 00:18:08,018 We have a turd in the punch bowl. 341 00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:09,589 Turd in the punch bowl. 342 00:18:10,145 --> 00:18:12,842 What are you doing? {\*Come on!}Where are you taking me? 343 00:18:13,315 --> 00:18:15,275 Ten city blocks have been shut down 344 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,612 because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here, 345 00:18:18,737 --> 00:18:19,891 in Independence Hall. 346 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,200 By all accounts the alien is also a wizard, 347 00:18:23,325 --> 00:18:25,577 who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak 348 00:18:25,702 --> 00:18:27,787 of sex addiction in our country! 349 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:33,696 {\*Mr. President!}Here they are! 350 00:18:34,711 --> 00:18:36,421 This is the boy I told you about. 351 00:18:36,546 --> 00:18:38,701 - And his friend, Bummers. - Son, 352 00:18:39,090 --> 00:18:42,344 we were told that you think sex addition can be controlled, 353 00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:44,804 that it just takes restraint. Is that true? 354 00:18:45,764 --> 00:18:48,892 I just think I'd rather control it instead of blame it on anything. 355 00:18:49,809 --> 00:18:50,713 Amazing! 356 00:18:51,102 --> 00:18:53,563 {\*Then }The wizard alien's spell might not have any power over him! 357 00:18:53,688 --> 00:18:56,900 - He could draw the bastard out! - Quick! Give that boy a gun! 358 00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,569 - What? - You better take one too! 359 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,030 {\*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell! 360 00:19:02,155 --> 00:19:04,811 - The bastard has gotta be upstairs! - What bastard? 361 00:19:04,979 --> 00:19:08,203 The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got to... 362 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,527 What the hell was that? 363 00:19:12,916 --> 00:19:14,696 I got a bad feeling about this. 364 00:19:18,630 --> 00:19:21,035 - {\*Oh }My God, there it is! - It's the alien wizard! 365 00:19:21,424 --> 00:19:23,163 It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! 366 00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:29,586 - Shoot it, boys! - You have to shoot it! 367 00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:33,548 {\*Shoot it }Again! It's still alive! 368 00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,260 You gotta reload! 369 00:19:40,485 --> 00:19:42,474 Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! 370 00:19:44,155 --> 00:19:46,811 - Keep shooting it! - Shoot him in his blabber mouth! 371 00:19:53,081 --> 00:19:54,944 My God, they've done it! 372 00:19:59,963 --> 00:20:02,243 {\*Look!}The sex addiction! It's leaving my body! 373 00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,384 I can feel it! I'm free! 374 00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:06,080 We are healed! 375 00:20:10,765 --> 00:20:11,850 We watched 376 00:20:11,975 --> 00:20:14,519 as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. 377 00:20:14,769 --> 00:20:16,396 It devastated families. 378 00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:20,775 But once again, our great country has risen up as one. 379 00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:23,486 The wizard alien is dead. 380 00:20:23,945 --> 00:20:25,822 Sex addiction is no more. 381 00:20:26,239 --> 00:20:28,366 And if a rich celebrity is caught again 382 00:20:28,491 --> 00:20:30,160 trying to screw lots of women, 383 00:20:30,285 --> 00:20:32,954 we'll now know it isn't because men are just like that, 384 00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:36,207 it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. 385 00:20:40,253 --> 00:20:42,672 I'm so glad it's over, Sharon, aren't you? 386 00:20:43,506 --> 00:20:46,204 We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. 387 00:20:47,010 --> 00:20:49,596 {\*Boys, }How does it feel to be free of your illness? 388 00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:52,710 I guess it feels great. 389 00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:53,933 Thanks. 390 00:20:54,434 --> 00:20:57,520 Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! 391 00:20:58,021 --> 00:21:00,273 I finally paid a lady to show me hers. 392 00:21:00,398 --> 00:21:02,400 You wanna know what's under that bush? 393 00:21:02,525 --> 00:21:05,557 Nothin' but a pair of sick joker lips! 394 00:21:06,196 --> 00:21:08,448 {\pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured, 395 00:21:08,573 --> 00:21:11,618 {\pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone, 396 00:21:11,743 --> 00:21:13,036 {\pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife. 397 00:21:13,536 --> 00:21:15,205 {\pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful, 398 00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:18,166 {\pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel any need to get revenge 399 00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:20,251 {\pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys. 400 00:21:24,464 --> 00:21:27,467 {\pos(192,240)}So I officially announce my return to golf! 401 00:21:40,188 --> 00:21:42,649 What the hell? This game's all boring now. 402 00:21:42,774 --> 00:21:44,234 {\*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting? 403 00:21:45,443 --> 00:21:48,071 {\*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around? 404 00:21:48,488 --> 00:21:49,948 Golf is stupid again.