1
00:00:34,461 --> 00:00:37,270
I walk hand-in-hand
with Jesus
2
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,855
Over at the park by where he lives
3
00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:42,459
I tell him all my problems
4
00:00:42,494 --> 00:00:45,121
And sometimes he tells me his
5
00:00:45,156 --> 00:00:47,787
What a friend I have in Jesus
6
00:00:47,822 --> 00:00:50,614
I can say that honestly
7
00:00:50,649 --> 00:00:53,036
He's not like all my other friends
8
00:00:53,071 --> 00:00:55,614
Who really don't care about me.
9
00:00:55,649 --> 00:00:58,344
Amen.
10
00:00:58,379 --> 00:00:59,648
Bo-ring.
11
00:00:59,683 --> 00:01:03,835
And now Mr. Mackey will read his
favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46.
12
00:01:03,836 --> 00:01:07,167
God is our refuge and strength, m'kay?
13
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,536
...a very present
help in trouble, m'kay?
14
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,596
Hey, you guys, you wanna know
what my favorite psalm is?
15
00:01:12,597 --> 00:01:15,382
It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation.
16
00:01:15,383 --> 00:01:18,315
This sort of penetration will increase
the population of the younger generation.
17
00:01:18,350 --> 00:01:20,637
God is in the midst of her, m'kay.
18
00:01:20,638 --> 00:01:22,671
She shall not be moved, m'kay.
19
00:01:22,672 --> 00:01:25,698
Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. It's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration in a woman's�
20
00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:28,217
It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation
21
00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:29,920
to increase the population
of the younger generation.
22
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:32,264
(It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's operation-)
23
00:01:32,299 --> 00:01:33,251
No no, no. Separation.
24
00:01:33,286 --> 00:01:35,032
It's a man's obligation to stick
his boneration in a woman's-
25
00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:36,772
BOYS! You are in CHURCH!
26
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,958
The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay.
27
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,456
Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone.
28
00:01:43,457 --> 00:01:46,739
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
29
00:01:47,811 --> 00:01:53,380
Hell is not a very nice place.
Burning, searing, flames.
30
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:56,743
Screaming, torture. For eternity.
31
00:01:56,744 --> 00:01:59,424
Once you are in hell, you cannot escape.
32
00:01:59,425 --> 00:02:02,670
You live forever in horrible
pain, in burning agony.
33
00:02:02,671 --> 00:02:06,380
All sinners are there in misery,
dying over and over and over.
34
00:02:06,381 --> 00:02:11,062
If you be cast down into this black
bog of stench, then woe is thou,
35
00:02:11,063 --> 00:02:14,880
for Satan has made it the most
miserable place in the universe!
36
00:02:14,881 --> 00:02:20,124
And he will be your ruler!
Your ruler of pain and agony!
37
00:02:21,052 --> 00:02:23,582
Are we going to the Hukilau?
38
00:02:23,617 --> 00:02:26,149
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
39
00:02:26,184 --> 00:02:28,884
Are we going to the Hukilau?
40
00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:31,236
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
41
00:02:31,271 --> 00:02:33,591
Everybody loves a hukilau-
42
00:02:33,626 --> 00:02:34,489
I do!
43
00:02:34,524 --> 00:02:36,468
Where the laulau is
the kaukau at the luau
44
00:02:36,503 --> 00:02:39,414
We throw our nets out into the sea
45
00:02:39,449 --> 00:02:42,055
And all the ama-ama come swimmin' to me
46
00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:44,332
Are we going to the Hukilau?
47
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:47,263
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
48
00:02:47,298 --> 00:02:49,796
Are we going to the Hukilau?
49
00:02:49,831 --> 00:02:52,577
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
50
00:02:52,612 --> 00:02:54,894
Everybody loves a Hukilau,
51
00:02:54,929 --> 00:02:57,558
Where the laulau is
the kaukau at the luau
52
00:02:57,593 --> 00:03:00,460
We throw our nets out into the sea.
53
00:03:00,495 --> 00:03:03,080
And all the ama-ama
come a-swimming to me
54
00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:05,134
Are we going to the hukilau?
55
00:03:05,169 --> 00:03:08,055
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
56
00:03:08,090 --> 00:03:12,812
Huki��� Luki��� Lau?���
57
00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,401
Great luau, Satan.
58
00:03:17,436 --> 00:03:20,984
Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'. Oh
- By, Marsha.
59
00:03:21,019 --> 00:03:23,817
Satan, a few of us are gonna go
pound some brews. You wanna join us?
60
00:03:23,852 --> 00:03:29,377
Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I can't. Chris and I just moved to the west side and we have to unpack.
61
00:03:29,412 --> 00:03:31,444
Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!
62
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:32,225
Bye.
63
00:03:38,728 --> 00:03:39,914
Chris?
64
00:03:39,949 --> 00:03:40,505
Yeah?
65
00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:44,195
Did you, uh, see my "Boy
With An Umbrella" Hummel?
66
00:03:44,230 --> 00:03:46,859
Uuh, no, but there's still some
boxes coming from the movers.
67
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,775
Oh, okay, thanks.
68
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,909
Oh, that must be them now.
69
00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:53,049
Just put the boxes by the-
70
00:03:53,084 --> 00:03:54,315
Hello, Satan!
71
00:03:56,206 --> 00:03:57,519
Saddam�
72
00:03:57,554 --> 00:03:59,330
Did you miss me, buttercup?
73
00:03:59,843 --> 00:04:03,224
No, it can't be! You're
dead! I killed you!
74
00:04:03,259 --> 00:04:06,435
Yeah, you killed me. So?
Where was I gonna go? Detroit?
75
00:04:06,470 --> 00:04:10,095
Oh no. Oh, God no.
76
00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:12,974
A place of everlasting agony and pain!
77
00:04:12,975 --> 00:04:16,040
Hell awaits all sinners and
all who do not accept Christ!
78
00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:19,765
Children in this town have not been
attending Sunday school after Mass!
79
00:04:19,766 --> 00:04:22,038
And adults have not been
coming to Confession!
80
00:04:22,039 --> 00:04:24,481
If this does not change, I promise you,
81
00:04:24,482 --> 00:04:27,677
you will be going to the
black pit of Satan's world!
82
00:04:28,095 --> 00:04:30,047
That is all. Peace be with you.
83
00:04:32,025 --> 00:04:34,202
Well, that was quite
an uplifting sermon.
84
00:04:34,237 --> 00:04:34,927
Yeah.
85
00:04:34,962 --> 00:04:36,499
Mom, wuh we're staying
for Sunday school.
86
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:37,098
What?
87
00:04:37,133 --> 00:04:38,472
We have to go to Sunday
school so we don't burn!
88
00:04:38,507 --> 00:04:39,619
Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom.
89
00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:42,478
Oh, now look at that.
They're scared to death.
90
00:04:42,513 --> 00:04:45,331
Hell is a very real
place, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh.
91
00:04:45,332 --> 00:04:49,631
I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!
92
00:04:51,604 --> 00:04:54,566
Come on, guy. Just let
me in so we can talk.
93
00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:59,206
I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! This
isn't what I need in my life right now.
94
00:04:59,241 --> 00:05:00,286
Is that the movers, Satan?
95
00:05:00,321 --> 00:05:02,892
Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers
96
00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:05,088
Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin'
their check on the counter.
97
00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:06,282
Okay, Chris.
98
00:05:06,317 --> 00:05:09,455
Satan, look: I know our
relationship wasn't perfect. Okay?
99
00:05:09,456 --> 00:05:12,849
I know that. I was too busy tryin' to take
over the world to give you what you needed.
100
00:05:12,850 --> 00:05:14,820
But I've changed, Satan.
101
00:05:14,855 --> 00:05:16,508
Oh, why, I haven't
heard that one before.
102
00:05:16,543 --> 00:05:22,366
COME ON, can't we just go out for
a burrito? �Me gusta burrito mucho!
103
00:05:22,401 --> 00:05:24,960
I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
104
00:05:24,995 --> 00:05:28,041
Who?? Screw 'im! He can't
pound your ass like I can!
105
00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:29,379
Good-bye, Saddam!
106
00:05:29,414 --> 00:05:32,980
Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan,
you can't deny what's between us.
107
00:05:32,981 --> 00:05:35,457
You can try, but you
know we belong together.
108
00:05:35,492 --> 00:05:41,011
My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats
me well. You and I are through. Good-bye.
109
00:05:46,574 --> 00:05:49,485
Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break!
110
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:54,175
Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne.
111
00:05:54,176 --> 00:05:57,117
And I'll be teaching you so that you
can all receive your First Communion.
112
00:05:57,152 --> 00:05:58,023
Are we gonna go to hell?
113
00:05:58,476 --> 00:06:01,527
Well, hopefully not. That's why
you're gonna need to receive Communion.
114
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,641
A
- And as long as we get this Communion thing, we're safe?
115
00:06:03,676 --> 00:06:06,048
What if we haven't really done
anything that horribly bad in our lives.
116
00:06:06,083 --> 00:06:07,200
Yeah, what if we haven't?
117
00:06:07,235 --> 00:06:10,547
It doesn't matter, because we
are all born with Original Sin.
118
00:06:10,548 --> 00:06:12,275
Now, let me explain how Communion works.
119
00:06:12,276 --> 00:06:16,309
The priest will give you this round cracker,
and he will say, "The Body of Christ,"
120
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:17,307
...and then you eat it.
121
00:06:17,972 --> 00:06:19,732
Jesus was made of crackers?
122
00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:20,547
No.
123
00:06:20,582 --> 00:06:21,794
But crackers are his
- body.
124
00:06:21,829 --> 00:06:22,466
Yes.
125
00:06:23,154 --> 00:06:23,867
(What?!)
126
00:06:23,902 --> 00:06:26,737
In the Book of Mark, Jesus
distributed bread and said,
127
00:06:26,738 --> 00:06:28,229
"eat this, for it is my body."
128
00:06:28,494 --> 00:06:30,842
So wwe won't go to hell
as long as we eat crackers.
129
00:06:30,877 --> 00:06:31,763
Nononono!
130
00:06:31,798 --> 00:06:33,203
Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?
131
00:06:33,238 --> 00:06:34,416
The Body of Christ!
132
00:06:35,132 --> 00:06:37,629
Nonono, I get it. Jesus
wanted us to eat him,
133
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:41,589
but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned
himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
134
00:06:41,624 --> 00:06:42,718
-No!
-No?
135
00:06:42,890 --> 00:06:44,632
Huh-I can't whistle if
I eat too many crackers.
136
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:48,778
Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
137
00:06:48,813 --> 00:06:50,065
O-kay.
138
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:54,206
And then, you will drink a very small amount
of wine, for that, is the Blood of Christ.
139
00:06:54,241 --> 00:06:56,262
Aw, come on now, this
is just getting silly!
140
00:06:56,297 --> 00:06:57,411
Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!
141
00:06:57,412 --> 00:06:58,331
Nno!
142
00:06:58,366 --> 00:06:59,601
Then stop questioning me.
143
00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:01,916
But now we can have Communion
and not go to hell, right?
144
00:07:01,951 --> 00:07:06,368
No. Because before you can take your first Communion, you have to have your first Confeesion.
145
00:07:06,403 --> 00:07:07,106
Confession?
146
00:07:07,141 --> 00:07:09,054
You'll be getting in the
Confession box with a priest
147
00:07:09,055 --> 00:07:11,883
and confessing all your sins,
so that God can forgive you.
148
00:07:11,884 --> 00:07:14,528
You kids will all have to go to
your first Confession this Tuesday,
149
00:07:14,529 --> 00:07:17,572
so I want you all to go home tonight and
think long and hard about all your sins,
150
00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:19,676
so that you can tell
the priest everything.
151
00:07:22,231 --> 00:07:24,257
(OH, SHIT!)
152
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,994
Those were some great pork chops, Satan.
153
00:07:29,029 --> 00:07:29,705
Yeah.
154
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,777
Hey, you. You've been actin'
strange all night. What's up?
155
00:07:32,812 --> 00:07:33,757
Nothing. Why?
156
00:07:33,792 --> 00:07:37,027
Well, it's� just that you've washed
that same dish seven times now, silly.
157
00:07:37,062 --> 00:07:39,226
Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh.
158
00:07:39,261 --> 00:07:42,336
Come on, Satan. You know you
can tell me anything. What's up?
159
00:07:42,371 --> 00:07:46,229
Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
160
00:07:47,284 --> 00:07:51,931
Oh. Woww! I wasn't ready for that.
161
00:07:51,966 --> 00:07:56,516
He showed up spouting all kinds of things about how he's changed and he still loves me�
162
00:07:56,551 --> 00:07:58,061
I thought you� killed him.
163
00:07:58,096 --> 00:08:00,058
Yeah, well, where was
he gonna go? Detroit?
164
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:01,728
�Do you still love him?
165
00:08:01,763 --> 00:08:03,079
No, Chris.
166
00:08:03,114 --> 00:08:04,096
It's okay of you do.
167
00:08:04,131 --> 00:08:05,258
Well, I mean-
168
00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:08,531
Of course, there's a part of
me that will always love him, I�
169
00:08:08,532 --> 00:08:12,379
But I also know how abusive he
was�I'm much happier with you.
170
00:08:12,512 --> 00:08:16,602
Well, you know what I think we should do? I think we should all get together and just talk, like adults.
171
00:08:16,637 --> 00:08:17,218
What?
172
00:08:17,253 --> 00:08:19,873
We're all grown men here, Satan.
I wanna just go meet this guy.
173
00:08:19,908 --> 00:08:23,031
No, Chris, you don't understand.
Saddam is fucking crazy.
174
00:08:23,066 --> 00:08:25,358
Oh, I know he's got the
whole bad-boy thing going.
175
00:08:25,359 --> 00:08:27,189
But I think that's what
you were attracted to.
176
00:08:27,190 --> 00:08:29,253
But I can be a pretty
rough tumbler myself.
177
00:08:29,254 --> 00:08:31,604
Oops! Aw, butternuts!
178
00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:36,618
Okay, let's see.
179
00:08:36,619 --> 00:08:40,531
Oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days.
180
00:08:40,610 --> 00:08:41,666
Oh yeah, okay.
181
00:08:41,701 --> 00:08:45,223
And thennn there was the time we held that little first-grader down and farted on him for 28 munites.
182
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,403
Right, I already got that one.
183
00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:47,582
Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?
184
00:08:47,617 --> 00:08:48,682
We're trying to remember all our sins.
185
00:08:48,683 --> 00:08:51,275
Sister Anne told us we have to confess all
our sins or else we're gonna go to hell.
186
00:08:51,433 --> 00:08:52,174
Uhwuwhat?
187
00:08:52,209 --> 00:08:53,277
Have you confessed all your sins yet?
188
00:08:53,312 --> 00:08:54,106
No-o-o-o-o!
189
00:08:54,141 --> 00:08:55,713
Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't
have to confess his sins.
190
00:08:55,748 --> 00:08:57,055
Oh good. I don't?
191
00:08:57,090 --> 00:08:58,371
No, you're already going to hell.
192
00:08:58,406 --> 00:08:58,999
I am not!
193
00:08:59,034 --> 00:08:59,511
You are, too!
194
00:08:59,546 --> 00:09:03,421
Dude, this ledy told us if you don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period.
195
00:09:03,456 --> 00:09:04,476
I'm gonna go ask my mom!
196
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:07,403
Now, let's see. What about the time
we set Mr. Garrison's cat onfire?
197
00:09:07,438 --> 00:09:08,837
Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
198
00:09:08,872 --> 00:09:09,627
(What?)
199
00:09:09,662 --> 00:09:12,385
Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we
just thought of somethin'!
200
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:13,172
What, Butters?
201
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:15,777
Uhwell, uh what about the
handicapped kid, uh-Timmy?
202
00:09:16,581 --> 00:09:17,538
What'd we do to Timmy?
203
00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:20,263
No! I mean, poor
Timmy's gonna go to hell!
204
00:09:20,264 --> 00:09:22,642
He can't confess his sins,
'cause all he can say is his name!
205
00:09:23,445 --> 00:09:25,626
Oh yeah, you're right. I
guess Timmy's pretty screwed.
206
00:09:25,661 --> 00:09:28,070
Oh man, we can't let Timmy go
to hell. We have to do something.
207
00:09:28,105 --> 00:09:29,134
(What are we gonna do?)
208
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,873
I don't know. I don't
know what we're gonna do.
209
00:09:34,222 --> 00:09:36,061
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
210
00:09:36,062 --> 00:09:38,751
I can't deny my
feelings for Saddam, but�
211
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:41,319
my life is so much
better now with Chris.
212
00:09:44,022 --> 00:09:51,051
Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect in every way, but there's just something about Saddam that I'm more more attracted to.
213
00:09:53,626 --> 00:09:54,895
In what way?
214
00:09:56,850 --> 00:10:00,641
Yeah, you're right. Saddam
would just treat me bad again.
215
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,906
I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam.
216
00:10:02,907 --> 00:10:05,671
Put him out of my mind
and focus on Chris.
217
00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:09,297
If I don't see Saddam, then I won't
have such strong feelings for him.
218
00:10:09,298 --> 00:10:10,332
Thanks guys.
219
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,058
There you are.
220
00:10:12,093 --> 00:10:12,867
Oh hi, Chris!
221
00:10:12,902 --> 00:10:14,533
I've been lookin' all over for you.
222
00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:15,534
I have to tell you somethin'
that might make you� a little mad.
223
00:10:17,792 --> 00:10:18,477
What?
224
00:10:18,512 --> 00:10:22,218
Well, I called Saddam Hussein and
invited him over for dinner tonight.
225
00:10:22,253 --> 00:10:23,475
You WHAT?!
226
00:10:23,510 --> 00:10:25,376
I just think we all need
to get this out in the open.
227
00:10:25,411 --> 00:10:28,808
Oh, Chris! Rraarr! Rraahh!
228
00:10:29,639 --> 00:10:31,689
Come on, Satan. We're all adults here.
229
00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:34,374
He was an important person in
your life, for better or for worse.
230
00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:37,822
So, I wanna know him. If he sees
that I'ma real person too, then�
231
00:10:37,823 --> 00:10:40,207
well, maybe he'll see
how happy we are together.
232
00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:42,731
No, Chris! He'll try to
kill you is what he'll do!
233
00:10:42,766 --> 00:10:45,221
Satan, we're not in
junior high school anymore.
234
00:10:45,256 --> 00:10:46,875
Oh, dear God.
235
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,077
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is
with thee. Blessed art though amongst wo-
236
00:10:51,078 --> 00:10:53,039
-How was it? -Uh- Aw,
dude, you screwed me up!
237
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:57,066
The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.
238
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:57,921
Who's in there?
239
00:10:57,956 --> 00:10:59,766
I don't know. You can't see him;
it's just some anonymous guy.
240
00:10:59,801 --> 00:11:01,349
Well, here goes everything.
241
00:11:02,909 --> 00:11:05,184
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
242
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,100
Blessed art thou, child. Now,
what do you have to confess?
243
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:12,664
Well, let's see. I'd like to start, if
I may, back when I was two and a half.
244
00:11:12,665 --> 00:11:16,592
It was a cold April morning, and the dew on the grass was frozen, like tiny beads of glass�
245
00:11:16,627 --> 00:11:18,002
�Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee. Ble-
246
00:11:18,003 --> 00:11:19,127
-(Hey, dude.)
-God damnit!
247
00:11:19,128 --> 00:11:19,715
(What??)
248
00:11:19,797 --> 00:11:22,022
Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've
got to ask her about Timmy. Sister Anne?
249
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:22,963
Oh, hello, children.
250
00:11:22,998 --> 00:11:24,056
We have a question.
251
00:11:24,091 --> 00:11:24,803
Okay, shoot.
252
00:11:24,804 --> 00:11:26,778
Where do handicapped
people go when they die?
253
00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:30,791
The handicapped are just people like
you and me, so the same rules apply.
254
00:11:30,792 --> 00:11:33,748
They need to be baptized, take
Communion, and confess their sins.
255
00:11:33,783 --> 00:11:35,277
But our friend Timmy can't really talk.
256
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,735
All he can do is say his own name,
so he can't really confess his sins.
257
00:11:37,736 --> 00:11:39,144
So is he goin' to go to hell?
258
00:11:39,179 --> 00:11:43,562
Uugh. This really isn't a question for me, it's
for the priest. I'll see if I can find him. Bye.
259
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,095
And that was about
everything from first grade.
260
00:11:47,096 --> 00:11:50,968
Then last year, well, you can't
tell anybody about this stuff, right?
261
00:11:51,068 --> 00:11:53,912
Your con
- confession does not leave this box.
262
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:58,098
Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.
263
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:03,578
Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he
would forgive you if he knew.
264
00:12:03,613 --> 00:12:04,602
No, but I'm not finished yet.
265
00:12:04,603 --> 00:12:06,195
I took the sandwich that
the priest was eating,
266
00:12:06,196 --> 00:12:08,491
took the piece of ham out of it,
put it between my butt cheeks,
267
00:12:08,492 --> 00:12:10,298
and then put the sandwich
back and watched him eat it.
268
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:12,981
I� see.
269
00:12:13,077 --> 00:12:15,829
Yeah, and then this other time, I
went pee-pee in the holy water thing,
270
00:12:15,830 --> 00:12:18,893
and the priest blessed himself on the
forehead with it every day for about a week.
271
00:12:18,894 --> 00:12:23,127
And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went-�
272
00:12:23,128 --> 00:12:26,395
number two on the sidewalk and then told
officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog.
273
00:12:26,396 --> 00:12:29,223
And so the priest got find like a
hundred dollars for not cleaning it up.
274
00:12:29,224 --> 00:12:31,901
And then this one time, I put super
glue all over the priest's bottle of-
275
00:12:33,877 --> 00:12:36,955
Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! Eh! Oh! Help
276
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:41,756
Father! I need to talk to you.
Father! I have to ask you a question.
277
00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:42,916
Okayokay, fine!
278
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,227
Dude, what happened??
279
00:12:47,363 --> 00:12:50,605
I felt it, you guys. I
felt the angry hands of God.
280
00:12:50,606 --> 00:12:56,036
He is an angry God, you guys. We all
have to start taking this very seriously.
281
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,538
Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.
282
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:06,579
And you must be Mr. Assface.
Just kidding. You're Chris, right?
283
00:13:06,580 --> 00:13:09,545
Thanks for inviting me to dinner,
guy. Here, I brought you a potato.
284
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,267
Oh, thank you.
285
00:13:11,302 --> 00:13:12,555
Chris, no! It's a bomb!
286
00:13:13,716 --> 00:13:15,544
Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?
287
00:13:15,579 --> 00:13:18,924
Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all
here to act like adults, right?
288
00:13:19,647 --> 00:13:21,933
Oh, gee. I guess I
must've overcooked it.
289
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,113
Well, come on in.
Dinner's just about ready.
290
00:13:26,397 --> 00:13:29,760
behayin' glah, and theh he find de eye.
291
00:13:29,795 --> 00:13:33,616
Very good, Ike. That's two
John Steinbeck books in one day.
292
00:13:33,651 --> 00:13:34,701
Cookie monstooh.
293
00:13:34,736 --> 00:13:36,590
Oh, he's groing up so fast!
294
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,566
Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?
295
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:41,384
Why? What did you do, Kyle?!
296
00:13:41,419 --> 00:13:45,446
Nothing. But the guys said if I don't confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to hell.
297
00:13:45,481 --> 00:13:49,103
Oh noooo, that's just Catholics.
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
298
00:13:49,138 --> 00:13:51,248
We don't? But what if we're wrong?
299
00:13:51,283 --> 00:13:54,850
Well�, Kyle�, they could be wrong, too.
300
00:13:54,885 --> 00:13:58,581
Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big
deal. If we're wrong, we burn in hell.
301
00:13:58,616 --> 00:13:59,503
Oh, no.
302
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:02,138
Kyle, it's all about
being a good person now!
303
00:14:02,139 --> 00:14:06,030
You see, Christians use hell as a way to scare people into believing what they believe.
304
00:14:06,031 --> 00:14:08,932
But to believe in something just
because you're afraid of the consequenced
305
00:14:08,933 --> 00:14:13,310
if you dont believe in somethingis no reason to believe in something. Understand?
306
00:14:13,357 --> 00:14:14,143
No-o-o.
307
00:14:14,178 --> 00:14:15,409
Well, you guys can do what you want!
308
00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:18,426
I'm going down to that church to
confess my sins and eat crackers!
309
00:14:18,427 --> 00:14:19,952
And I'm taking Ike with me!
310
00:14:19,963 --> 00:14:20,831
Kyle!
311
00:14:24,001 --> 00:14:27,573
So Saddam. Satan told me all about how
you guys almost took over the world once.
312
00:14:27,608 --> 00:14:31,317
Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What
the hell is this crap we're eating, anyway?
313
00:14:31,352 --> 00:14:35,171
It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris
was a nutritionist before he died.
314
00:14:35,206 --> 00:14:39,338
Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell
me, Chris. How is it that you died?
315
00:14:39,373 --> 00:14:43,931
Oh, well I, I actually slipped down an escalator, in a mall. Those things can be pretty sketchy.
316
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,635
An escalator? What kind of
pussy way of dying is that?!
317
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:50,208
L-look, Saddam, I know that
you and Satan had a relationship
318
00:14:50,209 --> 00:14:54,104
And I just want you to know that I'm
totally okay with you guys staying friends.
319
00:14:55,017 --> 00:14:58,545
I think it's important to stay friends
with people you've had relationships with.
320
00:14:58,546 --> 00:15:04,638
And I know that Satan and my relationship is strong enough that it can handle anything. Right?
321
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:07,347
Right.
322
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:12,026
Father, the children asked me
about their handicapped friend.
323
00:15:12,027 --> 00:15:13,788
I wanna explain to them that he's fine.
324
00:15:13,823 --> 00:15:16,578
Well, has your friend ever
confessed or been baptized?
325
00:15:16,613 --> 00:15:17,484
I don't think so.
326
00:15:17,519 --> 00:15:18,787
Then, hell awaits him.
327
00:15:18,822 --> 00:15:21,519
Father, these boys are really worried
because they think they have to-
328
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:26,084
They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
329
00:15:26,119 --> 00:15:27,081
Yes, but-
330
00:15:27,116 --> 00:15:28,974
Mister Father! We have
to ask you something.
331
00:15:29,009 --> 00:15:31,212
Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
332
00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:33,098
Yeah. If we're Jewish,
are we gonna go to hell?
333
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:36,858
Well, young man, you can rest
assured that according to Matthew 25,
334
00:15:36,859 --> 00:15:39,488
when you die you will stand
before God and he will will say,
335
00:15:39,489 --> 00:15:43,488
"Depart from me, you curs�d, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels."
336
00:15:43,489 --> 00:15:46,126
Yes! As a Jew, your home
will be the lake of fire.
337
00:15:46,258 --> 00:15:47,270
Oh no.
338
00:15:47,305 --> 00:15:47,892
Father-
339
00:15:47,927 --> 00:15:50,242
I hope to see all of you
in church this Sunday.
340
00:15:50,277 --> 00:15:50,883
We will be.
341
00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:55,656
Father, I don't know if I agree
fully with what you're saying.
342
00:15:55,657 --> 00:15:59,061
I think that as long as Jewsih people
are good, they will get into heaven.
343
00:15:59,096 --> 00:16:01,573
Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior.
344
00:16:01,574 --> 00:16:05,478
I mean, if you don't go to hell for crucifying the Savior, then what the hell do you go to hell for?
345
00:16:05,513 --> 00:16:08,495
Stan! You've got to help us
become good Christians. Please.
346
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:12,359
Alrightalright. You heard the priest: the first thing we have to do is get you guys all baptized. Come on.
347
00:16:16,496 --> 00:16:18,163
Okay, you'd better
baptize Kyle some more.
348
00:16:18,198 --> 00:16:20,512
Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
349
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,357
Turn around so I can clean out your ass.
350
00:16:22,392 --> 00:16:23,080
Cartman!
351
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:23,634
What?
352
00:16:23,669 --> 00:16:25,093
Dude, you just said "ass"! That's a sin!
353
00:16:25,128 --> 00:16:26,403
Oh, now you've said it, too!
354
00:16:26,438 --> 00:16:27,423
Oh, shit! Oh!
355
00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,055
(Fuck! Oops!)
356
00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:30,519
Aw, dude, we've gotta go back
to church and confess again.
357
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:31,577
But what about them?
358
00:16:31,612 --> 00:16:36,361
Ugh. Oh, I know. We can
use Wacky Water Weasel!
359
00:16:39,147 --> 00:16:40,097
Okay, come on.
360
00:16:42,315 --> 00:16:45,570
Hoof. Well, I don't know about you
guys, but all that ginger made me tired.
361
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,407
Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back.
362
00:16:47,442 --> 00:16:48,906
Good. I'll show you out.
363
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:51,332
Nice to meet you, Saddam!
Have a safe walk back!
364
00:16:51,367 --> 00:16:56,491
Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and twigs
and stuff. Satan, that guy is a pussy!
365
00:16:56,526 --> 00:16:58,002
He's stable, Saddam!
366
00:16:58,037 --> 00:16:59,905
Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!
367
00:16:59,940 --> 00:17:03,081
Having stability in your life is
a great thing! You should try it!
368
00:17:03,116 --> 00:17:06,959
For some people, maybe. But you
like excitement. I know you, Satan.
369
00:17:06,994 --> 00:17:09,044
I'm very happy with my life now.
370
00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:12,523
Here. I'm at the bargain
hotel on Monte Vista. Room 16.
371
00:17:12,558 --> 00:17:14,938
No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!
372
00:17:14,973 --> 00:17:17,722
D'oh, I know you won't. But
just keep it, just in case.
373
00:17:17,723 --> 00:17:19,583
It was good seeing you
again, Satan. Goodnight.
374
00:17:19,584 --> 00:17:21,521
Goodnight, pussy! I mean, Chris!
375
00:17:21,721 --> 00:17:22,426
Goodnight
376
00:17:25,421 --> 00:17:26,502
Hello. Your Excellency?
377
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:29,697
This is Sister Anne, the Bleeding Eyes
of Jesus, calling from the United States?
378
00:17:29,732 --> 00:17:32,207
Yes, I understand you want
to speak-a wit the pope.
379
00:17:32,242 --> 00:17:35,944
Yes. The priest here has been telling
the children some pretty radical things,
380
00:17:35,945 --> 00:17:39,596
and I just wanted to see what the Church thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.
381
00:17:39,848 --> 00:17:43,511
Yes, well the pope is here, but
please keep it brief. He is a-very old.
382
00:17:44,609 --> 00:17:45,279
Heh??
383
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:49,092
Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you
about people with mental disabilities.
384
00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:49,932
Heh?
385
00:17:50,298 --> 00:17:52,910
Do mentally-challenged
people go to hell?
386
00:17:52,945 --> 00:17:55,286
Ehhhhh, what's that you say? Heh?!
387
00:17:55,287 --> 00:17:57,789
Handicap. Mental handicap.
388
00:18:00,307 --> 00:18:04,951
�The priest here said that people with mental handicaps might end up in hell. Is that true?
389
00:18:11,572 --> 00:18:13,601
Come on! This stupid light won't change.
390
00:18:13,636 --> 00:18:16,551
Come on! Hurry up! Hey,
what are you guys doin'?
391
00:18:16,586 --> 00:18:18,769
We're goin' to church. We've sinned
and so we have to confess again.
392
00:18:18,804 --> 00:18:22,946
Uh us too. Uhwe saw a picture of a naked
lady. We could see her whole beaver.
393
00:18:22,981 --> 00:18:25,768
Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have
unclean souls and we'd burn in hell.
394
00:18:27,069 --> 00:18:28,169
Uh, come on, let's go.
395
00:18:33,296 --> 00:18:35,222
�Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
396
00:18:35,257 --> 00:18:37,039
He had sins that he didn't confess!
397
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,437
And he never took Communion!
398
00:18:38,472 --> 00:18:39,669
He's doomed.
399
00:18:40,651 --> 00:18:42,631
�We've gotta get to that
church before we die.
400
00:18:42,666 --> 00:18:43,303
Yeah.
401
00:18:48,757 --> 00:18:54,663
Yeah. That's hot. You
take it! You take it now!
402
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:55,800
Chris, what are you doing?
403
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:59,153
I'm just� I'm just trying to
be a little more naughty in bed.
404
00:18:59,154 --> 00:19:01,923
I uh� I know that's what you like
about sex with Saddam. I'm just�
405
00:19:01,924 --> 00:19:03,908
showin' you that I can be that way, too.
406
00:19:04,571 --> 00:19:12,600
Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't you,
bitch? I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take that.
407
00:19:12,674 --> 00:19:15,067
Chris, just� don't� don't do that.
408
00:19:15,102 --> 00:19:16,237
But it turns you on.
409
00:19:16,272 --> 00:19:18,853
No, it's a
- When Saddam did it, yeah, but uh�
410
00:19:18,888 --> 00:19:19,549
But what?
411
00:19:19,584 --> 00:19:24,798
Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired
is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep?
412
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,321
Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?
413
00:19:27,330 --> 00:19:29,775
Okay. I love you, Satan.
414
00:19:29,810 --> 00:19:31,438
I love you too, Saddam.
415
00:19:32,642 --> 00:19:34,868
Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris.
416
00:19:34,903 --> 00:19:39,810
It's okay. It's okay. I,
uh, I, I understand. �I do.
417
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:43,854
I just need to go get some air.
okay? I'll be back� really quick.
418
00:19:43,889 --> 00:19:45,739
Yeah. Sure. Okay.
419
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:47,342
Come on, hurry up!
420
00:19:48,358 --> 00:19:49,451
Oh no! It's locked!
421
00:19:49,486 --> 00:19:51,787
What? No! It shouldn't be
locked! We have to confess!
422
00:19:51,788 --> 00:19:54,046
We have to confess
our sins before we die!
423
00:19:54,081 --> 00:19:55,877
Hey, there's a window in
the back that's usually open.
424
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,101
Confession box is over there!
425
00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:01,225
I'm first, I'm first!
426
00:20:03,553 --> 00:20:04,203
What the?
427
00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:09,556
Whoa! Son of a bitch!
428
00:20:10,787 --> 00:20:12,662
Uhuh. Kids, uh.
429
00:20:12,697 --> 00:20:13,868
You're a sinner!
430
00:20:13,903 --> 00:20:15,838
You're doing unnatural
things in the house of God!
431
00:20:18,455 --> 00:20:22,288
Oh, forgive me, heavenly
Father! I've sinned against you!
432
00:20:22,323 --> 00:20:24,010
Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!
433
00:20:24,045 --> 00:20:27,619
M-Mrs. Donovan is a
temptress from hell!
434
00:20:28,118 --> 00:20:30,109
Dude, if this guy's goin'
to hell, who's gonna save us?
435
00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:32,706
Well, it looks like we're gonna
have to save Timmy, Kyle, and
436
00:20:32,707 --> 00:20:35,615
everyone else in this town from
the angry hand of God ourselves!
437
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,844
Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!
438
00:20:45,846 --> 00:20:47,857
No, I can't.
439
00:20:50,271 --> 00:20:54,049
What am I doing? I know this
is the wrong thing to do.
440
00:20:54,050 --> 00:20:57,796
I could lose Chris. I can't
do this. I can't do this.
441
00:20:59,223 --> 00:21:02,339
We have-uh repeatedly
broken God's commandments-uh!
442
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:04,762
We have lived our
lives for ourselves-uh!
443
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,788
Totally ignoring the Lord-uh!
444
00:21:06,789 --> 00:21:08,631
If thy hand offend thee, cut it off!
445
00:21:08,632 --> 00:21:09,984
It is much better for thee
to enter into life maimed-
446
00:21:09,985 --> 00:21:11,928
Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
447
00:21:12,592 --> 00:21:14,001
Oh no.
448
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:15,424
-into the fire that
will never be quenched!
449
00:21:15,459 --> 00:21:17,007
Pamphlet. Pamphlet.
450
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:22,197
There is only one answer! As kids we must
abandon this town of sin and start anew!
451
00:21:22,556 --> 00:21:23,621
I don't wanna to go to hell.
452
00:21:24,307 --> 00:21:28,439
It will be a long road, but at
the end of that road is Salvation!
453
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:32,625
And I am going to lead you there!