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South Park - Season 12 Episode 5
"Eek, A Penis!"
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It's like my whole life has just been
one big screw up, you know?
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I admit it, I was sexually lost.
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and then I see this person on Oprah.
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She's a woman, but then she
got a sex change and became a man,
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but then she got pregnant and is having a baby
which means she was still a woman all along.
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That means I'm really still a man!
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I still feel like a man.
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Are we gonna get tested on this?
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This sex change was
a big mistake. Okay?
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I was on a lot of pain killers at the time,
and I thought it was what I wanted.
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Dude, you wanna do some math problems?
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And then I go to the doctor, right?
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And I say doctor, I want to go back
to being a man and he says,
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well, there's been too much damage,
you can't go back.
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Where are you going to find a penis?!
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What do you mean where
am I gonna find a penis!?
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I'm a man!
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I deserve a God dammed penis!!
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Uh, mister -- mister Garrison!?
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Could we speak with you, please?
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What do you want?
I'm trying to teach.
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Uh, we think it's best you not teach
until you get your personal life in order, mkay.
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Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey,
you have a penis!
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Okay, students,
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uh, obviously we've had a
little emergency with your teacher.
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So, uh, while we deal with this
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we need one of you to lead the class
and review for tomorrow's quiz.
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Oh! me, me!
me! me!
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Right here!
Right here!
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Who else would like to be teacher
for the day? anybody else?
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Principal Victoria!
over here!
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Any other volunteers perhaps?
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Principal Victoria!
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Alright, alright, fine.
Eric, you lead the class.
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Yes!
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Now just lead a review over whatever Mr.
Garrison's been teaching you
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and i'll be back to check on your shortly.
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Well, well, well...
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Who's teacher now?
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Yeah... who's teacher?
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You're not the teacher, fat ass.
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That's mister Cartman now, Kyle!
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And you will be wise to not interrupt
my class unless you want to be suspended!
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Yeah.
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Mmm-yeahhh. You like that.
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Alright, Clyde, you're first.
get up here.
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Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.
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So it appears that the local farmer's market
could be soon facing complete closure.
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In other news tonight, a South Park
bio company is coming under fire
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for genetically engineering body parts
onto laboratory mice.
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This picture of a mouse genetically
altered to grow a human ear
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has already parked waves of protest.
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What?
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But the scientists say the process
could help thousands of people
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who have become disfigured
and need ears or noses.
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Holy freakin' Jesus.
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Using common genetics
and cartilage scaffolding,
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we can graft almost any body part
onto a mouse and allow it to develop.
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Here's the mouse you
saw on television.
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Once the ear fully forms, it can
be transplanted onto a person.
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Doctor, what about a penis?
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Well, a penis is something a man
puts into a woman's vagina.
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No, no.
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If I gave you some of my dna, could
you grow a penis on a mouse for me?
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You don't understand, doing
this stuff is very expensive
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and we've never tried a penis before.
there's no guarantee it would work!
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I will give you all the money I have
to just try. Please.
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Doctor, I'm a man trapped
in a woman's body.
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- I need a penis.
- Alright,
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alright, let's see what we can do.
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Eric, we've called you in to commend you
for your role as student teacher.
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Don't commend me, it's the students
fault for being so stupid!
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Commend means you've done
a great job, Eric, mkay.
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After leading your
class through review,
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your schoolmates scored higher
than they ever have on their tests!
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Whatever you did
really worked on them!
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Oh well, thank you.
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I believe strict discipline along with compassion
for my students is catamite to their learning.
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these gentlemen from the denver county school
board have something they want to ask you.
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Young man, word of your success as a student
teacher has started the whole board thinking.
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We would like you to try your methods
on one of our inner city school classes.
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These kids just won't listen
to any adult teachers, and
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since you handled your class so well,
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how'd you like to give it a shot?
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That sounds like a chance to really make
an impact on some students who need it most.
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How much will you pay me?
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Three hundred bucks! Did you
hear what I said you guys!?
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My awesome teaching skills is
gonna earn me three hundred bucks!
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You're not an awesome teacher!
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Whatever, the whole class
scored super high on the tests.
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The only reason we scored high
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was because we took the answers out
of Garrison's desk, and you know it!
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Yes, but whose idea was it to take
the answers out of Garrison's desk?
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Kenny's!
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- Yeah, that was my idea.
- Oh, yeah.
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But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those
underprivileged inner city students
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and really turn their lives around.
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Do you know what those kids
are going to do to you?!
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A little middle class white boy
telling them what to do?
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They are going to murder you.
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Maybe he's right. I better
be careful how I look.
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Students, quiet!
Quiet, please!
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Give me your attention.
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I'll give you my attention
all night long, Mrs. Miller!
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You're on thin ice, Rodriguez!
Now listen up.
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The denver county school board has
sent over a special guest teacher.
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This may be your last shot at
graduating from high school at all!
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I want you to welcome --
Eric Cartmanez.
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Hello, students.
I am Eric Cartmanez,
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your new teacher.
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What the hell is this?
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I am here to teach you calculus.
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I think you're going to be very pleased
with the progress, ms. Garrison.
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Mister Garrison!
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Sorry, 'mister' Garrison.
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Your DNA has replicated and grafted
very successfully with the mouse.
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And so here's your penis.
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Garrison: Wow, my penis looks great!
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Yes, it's a fantastic penis.
congratulations.
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How long before it's ready?
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Well, it still has some forming
to do, but fairly soon.
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Lemme see if it feels
right in my hand.
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No! Don't open the --
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Oh, no!
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Don't let it get out the lab.
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My penis!!!
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Stop penis!!
Come back here!!!!
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Okay, everyone take a silly bus and
pass it to the amigo behind you.
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- Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?
- Yeah!
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Mr. Cartmanez is here to make
sure you all get into college.
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Get into college?! Man, we aren't
getting into no college?! Fuck you!
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Yeah, man! That's right! What
is this, anyway? Man, this is crap!
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How do I reeech these keeeds?!
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The reason that you think you can't get into
college is because you haven't been taught --
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how to cheat properly.
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How do you think white
people always get ahead?
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Because we cheat all the time --
I mean because they cheat all the time.
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This is bill beeelichick. Coach
of the new england patriots.
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He's won three superbowls. How?
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He cheated.
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He even got caught cheating.
And nobody cared.
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Bill Beelicheck proved that
in America it's ok to cheat,
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as long as you cheat
your way to the top.
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Hey, I don't want to
be called a cheater.
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No, no, if you cheat and
fail, you're a cheater.
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If you cheat and succeed,
you're savvyyyy.
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This is bullshit! I don't want to
waste my time learning to cheat!
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Go ahead, the door's right there.
Bye, bye, have fun, we will miss you.
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How do I reach these kids?
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boys! boys, have you
seen my penis?!
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- What?
- My penis is on the loose!
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If you see it, just try to catch
it with some cheese!
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Ow, that hurt my brains.
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Owww.
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Nice form, compadre.
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Hey I walked out of
your class, teacher.
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Look, I don't want to argue with
you about the merits of cheating.
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Who wants to argue on
a nice day like theeees.
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How about a little pickup game?
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Hey, petano! Can you
keep score for us?
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Sure thing, Mr. C.
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Okay, you start on defense, amigo.
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Oho, that's one to nothing, amigo.
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- You cheated!
- What's the score, effe?
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Okay, let's go.
Your turn.
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That's two to noteeeng, amigo.
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You, man! You can't do that.
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Look at the scoreboard, amigo.
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No matter how many times you say
I cheated, the scoreboard says 2 - 0.
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I know what you're trying to say,
but I still don't agree with it.
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Two to nothing, essa.
Two to nothing.
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How do I reach these keedz?
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What is that?
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Stephen! Stephen, come quick!
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- What is it, dear?
- A penis is loose in our kitchen!
181
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:21,313
- A penis?
- Yes, it just ran across the floor!
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Now darling, calm down.
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Calm down nothing, I don't want
that penis running through my house!
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Ah, women, always afraid of penises.
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- There! There you see it!?
- Oh, it's just a little penis, darling
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I don't care, it's probably
got all kinds of diseases.
187
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Hey, wait! I think that's
teacher's penis!
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00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,872
- Your teacher's penis?
- Yeah, that must be his!
189
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:50,543
Butters, how do you know what
your teacher's penis looks like?
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Today, we will discuss one of
the most fundamental ways to cheat --
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getting test material ahead of time.
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When Bill Belichick cheated
for the patriots, what did he do?
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00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,256
He videotaped the
opposing team's defense.
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00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,425
think of the defense as your test.
195
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:10,629
When taking a test you must
also 'videotape the defense.'
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00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:15,000
Learn what's on the test before they
give it to you, and that way you can --
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I thought that, well, maybe
I could give cheating a try.
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00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,277
Have a seat, amigo.
good to have you back.
199
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:30,583
Alright. Now, when Bill Belichick got
caught with his camera, he did not panic.
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00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:33,319
He simply said what every good
white cheater says when caught:
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00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:35,955
'I misinterpreted the rules.'
202
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,257
It's what you must also
say when caught cheating.
203
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:43,696
"I misinterpreted the rules." Say it with
me "I misinterpreted the rules." Good! again!
204
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,332
I misinterpreted the rules! Again!
205
00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,601
I misinterpreted the rules!
206
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:52,638
- Now you sound like white people!
- I misinterpreted the rules!
207
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:57,076
What the hell do you mean
you just put my penis outside?!
208
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,577
Why didn't you call me?!
209
00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:02,348
Look, Garrison, my wife didn't want a
penis in the house, I had to get it out!
210
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,785
Well now how am I supposed to find it?!!?
It could be anywhere!!
211
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:09,855
Holy crap!
212
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,094
- Carol, get down from there!
- No!
213
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,329
Didn't you see that
penis just now?!!
214
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:21,734
I'm sure that penis is way more
scared of you than you are of it!
215
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,736
You saw a penis?!
216
00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:28,707
It's so big and disgusting!
217
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:36,749
Come back here, penis!
218
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:40,519
There you are! Got you!!!!
219
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,258
Hey -- you're not my penis!
220
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:51,997
There it goes! Stop you!
221
00:13:53,966 --> 00:13:56,435
The answer to number 27 is five.
222
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The answer to number 27 is five.
223
00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:02,308
The answer to number 28 is fourteen.
224
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,411
The answer to number 28 is fourteen.
225
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,779
Man, what's the point?!
226
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:09,148
What's the point of any of this?!
227
00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:14,920
Alright, everyone review the
section on sportscasters
228
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,423
forgiving the patriots for cheating and
saying it was no big deal, i'll be right back.
229
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,360
Malita! Malita, hold on!
230
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:25,097
You can't quit now? Come on,
what's wrong with you?
231
00:14:25,764 --> 00:14:27,499
There isn't any point to all this.
232
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,635
I won't be going to college.
233
00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:31,770
I'm pregnant, alright?
234
00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,975
I just found out. And eduardo
isn't going to help me raise it.
235
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,045
How do I reach these keeeds?
236
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,915
Alright, let's go get you an abortion.
237
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:46,485
No, I'm catholic.
I think abortion is wrong.
238
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:50,122
Abortion isn't wrong. What's the one
thing i've been teaching you?!
239
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,692
- That cheating is good.
- Yes!
240
00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:55,995
And abortion is the
ultimate form of cheating.
241
00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:57,763
You're cheating nature itself!
242
00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:00,866
Why do rich white girls
get ahead in life?
243
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:03,135
Because they get abortions
when they're young.
244
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:07,239
They get pregnant, but they still want to
go to college so whatever, they just cheat.
245
00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:10,643
They cheat that little critter in their
belly right out of a chance at life.
246
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,379
I don't know, Mr. c.
247
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,147
Mexicans are told not to cheat.
248
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:18,083
Don't cheat, you got pregnant
you have to raise the child,
249
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,786
so then you have to raise a child
while the white girls get to go
250
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:22,955
to college and probably have
a bunch more abortions.
251
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,926
It is at our most challenging times
252
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,828
that we must cheat
our very hardest.
253
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,868
And the last time you saw your
penis was two days ago?
254
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:39,038
- That's right.
- Long whiskers or short?
255
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:41,573
Short. And little fluffy ears.
256
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,576
- Fluffy ears, ok.
- Think you got it, Mitch?
257
00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:45,744
I think so, sir.
258
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:47,179
Is this pretty close?
259
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,486
No, no! Not like that!
That's just silly.
260
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,990
Sir, we might want to get a unit down
to the italian restaurant on kentner.
261
00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:00,125
- What is it?
- Call just came through.
262
00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:02,261
Seems a penis broke in and
tried to eat their cheese.
263
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:03,829
Whoa! Come on!
264
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,470
Eeek!
265
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:13,806
- What's the matter?
- A penis!
266
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,108
A penis? Where???
267
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,143
There it is! Eeek!
268
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:20,312
- Eeek!
- Eeek!
269
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,748
- A penis!
- A penis! Eeek!
270
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,051
- Where is it?
- Look, there!
271
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:28,854
- Come on!
272
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:32,558
What's that a penis doing
in the my kitchen?
273
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:36,028
Hey! Don't you dare
kill my penis!
274
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:39,498
Crap! We gotta go back around!
275
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:55,948
# someone, somewhere, #
276
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:59,551
# is loving me tonight. #
277
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:03,055
# looking at the same moon #
278
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:06,291
# and seeing it so bright. #
279
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,928
# someone, somewhere, #
280
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:13,866
# - is feeling my despair
- feeling my despair #
281
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:17,202
# - and this same moon is makin em think, of th...
- makin em think #
282
00:17:17,302 --> 00:17:18,570
There it is!!!
283
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:27,279
No!! No!! Nooo!! Nooo!!
284
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,917
- There's not a chance now.
- No! we can find it!
285
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,720
Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone.
286
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,489
I'm afraid there's nothing
more we can do.
287
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,792
You'll just have to live
with being a woman.
288
00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,194
A very ugly one.
come on, men.
289
00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:49,334
Students, I want to congratulate
you on your amazing test scores
290
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:52,471
the school board is so
impressed with your progress,
291
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:56,942
that they are going to let you take the
Standardized advanced placement test
292
00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:00,245
- for college credit!
- Alright! Cool, man. Yeah!
293
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:04,249
The test is going to be heavily monitored
in a private room at their location
294
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:07,419
to assure that there can
be absolutely no cheating.
295
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:12,357
- Uh what?
- The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud.
296
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:16,728
Monitor us in a private room?
297
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:19,398
Now they're gonna know
we've been cheating all along!
298
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:23,969
I knew it, man! You made us believe
in your way, and now it's all for nothing.
299
00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:27,172
It's not for nothing! If you're good
enough you can cheat right in front of them!
300
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,842
Shut up man, you royally screwed us all!!
301
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,945
How do I reeech these keeeds!?!?
302
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:40,586
Just before the last superbowl, Bill Belichick
gathered his football players and said
303
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:45,724
"Let's win this one for real.
Just this one time, let's not cheat."
304
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,393
You know what happened?
They lost.
305
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,965
Even if you feel all
eyes are upon you,
306
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,567
you cannot give on cheating
307
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,804
or else you can lose the
biggest game of your lives.
308
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:02,040
Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.
309
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:05,611
You are the true dreamers.
Tomorrow you will prove it.
310
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:09,181
We will begin by reviewing how to print out
cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water.
311
00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:19,124
You did this to yourself, Garrison.
312
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:23,095
Get your hopes up with a
stupid genetic experiment
313
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,664
and now all your money's
gone along with your penis.
314
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,205
Woah what the...
315
00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:40,712
Why... it's my penis.
316
00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:45,951
My penis came back. But why?
317
00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:54,226
I guess it's true.
What's that old saying?
318
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:58,163
If you love your penis, let it go?
319
00:20:01,733 --> 00:20:05,370
The Standardized advanced placement
test is considered one of the most
320
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:08,840
difficult and carefully monitored
tests in the country.
321
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:12,211
Twenty four of our students
took the test and all
322
00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:15,480
twenty four scored one hundred percent!
323
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,119
- Uh, can we say something?
- Sure.
324
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:26,225
We would like to present this plaque to the
person who taught us the white people method,
325
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:27,793
Mr. Cartmanez.
326
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:42,941
I reeeeched these keeeds.
327
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:49,348
Students and faculty, please
put your hands together
328
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:53,285
and help me in welcoming
back mister Garrison.
329
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:02,461
Thanks, everyone.
it's great to be back.
330
00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:07,132
I'm a man again. Thanks to my
very special new friend.
331
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:14,106
But you know, i've learned that
i've really been a dude all along.
332
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:19,978
Because the key difference between men and
women, is that women can have babies.
333
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,948
If you can't have babies,
then you're a man.
334
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:30,122
Woa, uh, wait. Hang on a second. My wife
had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
335
00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:34,760
Well, then get an AIDS test, Thompson,
cuz your wife's a dude, faggot.
336
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:39,965
Yeah, I'm back!