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And now a fireside chat with
the creators of Comedy
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00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,843
Central's "South Park," Matt
Stone and Trey Parker.
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Oh, hello.
I'm Trey Parker.
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And I'm Matt Stone.
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And this here is old Scratch.
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Say hi, old fella.
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This episode of "South Park" is
called "Weight Gain 4000,"
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00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,777
and it's by far our favorite
episode.
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It's all about Kathie Lee
Gifford coming to "South Park"
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and Eric Cartman trying to beef
himself up for the big day.
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Exactly how much weight does
Eric Cartman gain
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in this episode?
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Well, after Eric Cartman
starts eating
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the Weight Gain 4000,
he gains 700 pounds.
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That makes him almost as heavy
as Sally Struthers.
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Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever
offended you in some fashion?
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Was she flattered by her
depiction here?
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Well, we don't really care,
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because Kathie Lee Gifford is
a...
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Very wonderful woman.
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Both Trey and I really, really
respect her work with Regis.
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Guns and bullets seem to be
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a recurring theme in "South
Park."
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Have either of you ever killed
anyone?
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I would never kill somebody,
unless they pissed me off.
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Guys, why do you keep killing
off poor Kenny?
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What did he ever do to you?
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Well, Kenny is definitely our
favorite character.
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And even though he is our
favorite character,
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we feel we have to kill him in
every episode,
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and this one of our favorite
deaths in this one.
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How does someone create a
show like "South Park"
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and remain as pure and wholesome
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as you both appear to be?
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You know, everyone thinks
that in order to do
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"South Park" we must be wild,
crazy rock 'n roll stars,
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but the truth is, we're just
wholesome middle-American guys.
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We enjoy soda pop, baseball,
and beating up old people
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just as much as anybody.
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So now sit back, relax, and
enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."
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##
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# I'm going down to South Park #
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# Gonna have myself a time #
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All: # Friendly faces
everywhere #
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# Humble folks
without temptation #
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# Going down to South Park #
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# Gonna leave my woes behind #
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# Ample parking day or night #
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# People spouting:
"Howdy neighbor." #
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# Headed on up to South Park #
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# Gonna see if I can't unwind #
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# So come on down
to South Park #
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# And meet some
friends of mine #
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Hey, Stan, did you see that
rainbow this morning?
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Yeah, it was huge.
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Ugh, I hate those things.
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Nobody hates rainbows.
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Yeah, what's there to hate
about rainbows?
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Well, you know, you'll just
be sitting there
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minding your own business, and
they'll come marching in
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and crawl up your leg and
start biting
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the inside of your ass.
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And you'll be all like, "Hey,
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get out of my ass, you stupid
rainbows."
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Cartman, what the hell are
you talking about?
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I'm talking about rainbows.
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I hate those friggin' things.
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Rainbows are those arches of
color
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that show up during a rainstorm.
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Oh, rainbows.
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Oh, yeah, I like those.
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Those are cool.
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What were you talking about?
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Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.
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No, what marches in, crawls
up your leg...
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Nothing.
And bites the inside
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of your ass?
Nothing.
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Children, children, remember
the Save Our Fragile Planet
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essay contest that you
children worked
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so hard on last month?
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One of our very own South Park
students has won
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the national prize.
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Wow, I knew I would win.
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Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure
is exciting.
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That's right, Mr. Hat.
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The winner of the national
Save Our Fragile Planet
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contest is... Eric Cartman.
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What?
What?
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Congratulations, Eric, on
writing
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the award-winning paper.
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Kick ass.
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That's impossible.
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Cartman doesn't know a rain
forest from a Pop-Tart.
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Yeah, I do.
Pop-Tarts are frosted.
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Out of over a million papers,
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Eric's was chosen as the
grand prize winner.
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Wow, what did you write
about, Cartman?
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Oh, you know, this and that.
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00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535
He doesn't even know
what he wrote about.
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What was your paper about,
Wendy?
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00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,832
My paper was on the suffering
of bottle-nosed dolphins.
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Well, you see, you shouldn't
have written
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a paper about dolphins.
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Dolphins are stupid.
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Dude, dolphins are, like, the
second-smartest animal
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on the planet.
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Oh, right.
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If they're so damn smart,
how come they get caught
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in those fishing nets all the
time?
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What?
Wait, wait, there's more.
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It says here that Eric's trophy
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will be presented to him by...
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Kathie Lee Gifford?
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Kathie Lee is coming to South
Park?
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And the presentation will be
on national television.
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Both: Television?
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Kathie Lee Gifford.
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I don't believe it.
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Kathie Lee Gifford in South
Park.
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Oh, my God.
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This is our chance to make a
name for ourselves, to show
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that we're not some pissant,
white-bread mountain town.
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Better yet, it's a chance for
you to get some publicity.
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Yes, if I can show just how
much I've turned South Park
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around, I could become a
senator.
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Maybe even a state senator.
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Mayor, we should decorate the
town square.
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Then we should have the chef
of the school cafeteria sing
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a song and play up the ethnic
diversity of our town.
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That's right.
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He's a black guy, isn't he?
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Black as the night itself,
Mayor.
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Yes, and we can even have the
children of South Park
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put on a little play.
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Kathie Lee loves children.
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If they're working in a
sweatshop, that is.
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Oh!
Ouch.
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Thank you.
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You guys, guess what.
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After I'm on television,
I'm gonna be totally famous.
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Hitler was famous too.
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Hello there, children.
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Both: Hey, Chef.
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How are my little crackers
today?
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Good.
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Did y'all hear about the news?
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Kathie Lee Gifford is
coming to South Park.
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Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated
and won
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the environmental essay contest.
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Hey!
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
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But the mayor just called and
asked me
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to sing at the ceremony.
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Wow, are you gonna do it?
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Of course.
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Kathie Lee is a beautiful,
sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
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And if I sing to her, maybe I
can lure her into
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a night of exotic delectation.
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Yeah, that'd be cool.
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Well, three times bigger than
Frank Gifford's, anyway.
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Oh, I can't even concentrate
on grading papers
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with all this excitement.
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Why are you looking at me like
that, Mr. Hat?
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Have you forgotten about all
the pain and suffering
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that Kathie Lee Gifford caused
you?
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Mr. Hat, that was a long time
ago, and...
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And I was only a child.
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We could've won that
talent show.
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We could've been huge.
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Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.
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Who's there?
Orange.
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Orange who?
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Orange you glad
I didn't say banana?
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Thank you.
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Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we
might win.
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And now, our last talent show
finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
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# If they could see me now,
that little gang of mine #
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# I'm eating fancy chow
and drinking fancy wine #
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# I'd like those stumble bums
to see for a fact #
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# The kind of top-drawer
first-rate chums I attract #
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# All I can say is wowee,
look at where I am #
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# Tonight I landed pow
right in a pot of jam #
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# What a setup, holy cow,
they'd never believe it #
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# If my friends
could see me now #
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It wasn't fair.
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She had choreography.
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How could we compete with that?
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But now she's coming to
South Park,
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and I know a way to
make it all better.
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How?
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No, Mr. Hat.
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I couldn't...
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kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
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Children, as you all know,
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Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be
in South Park to present
195
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the award to some kid for an
essay.
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That kid is me.
Whatever.
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00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,858
Now, I'm going to have you
luscious little youngsters
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00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320
do a play about the history of
South Park.
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00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:08,697
That'll be wonderful, won't
it, Mr. Hat?
200
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,699
Kill her. Mr. Hat.
201
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,952
Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you
to direct our little play.
202
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662
Oh, that's perfect.
203
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,165
You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have
to kill her.
204
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,917
We can just upstage her.
205
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,376
Mrs. Mayor,
206
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,920
you might want to
review the essays.
207
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,796
We think Cartman might
have cheated.
208
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,715
Who cares?
209
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,470
Now, kids, what's say we give
it our South Park best?
210
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,265
And who's
our little prizewinner again?
211
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,059
Me, Eric Cartman.
212
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,894
How about we get in shape, huh?
213
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,772
We want to look our best for
the TV cameras, don't we?
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00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148
Yes, ma'am.
215
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,858
# I'm gonna be on television #
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00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,985
# I'm gonna be on television #
217
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,614
# I'm gonna be on television #
218
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,574
# I'm gonna be on television #
219
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,159
We don't believe for a
minute that you won that
220
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869
contest fairly, fat boy.
221
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,996
Ugh, stop defending your
little girlfriend
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00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,332
for writing about
some stupid fish.
223
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,751
Dude, dolphins are
intelligent and friendly.
224
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,337
Intelligent and friendly on
rye bread with some mayonnaise.
225
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,172
Dolphins are way smarter
than you.
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00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,883
If they're so smart, why do
they live in igloos?
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00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,218
Dolphins don't live in igloos.
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00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,511
That's Eskimos.
229
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,221
Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?
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00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,890
It's all a bunch of
tree-hugging hippie crap.
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00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,141
Tell me what you wrote about.
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00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,518
I can't.
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00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,894
I have to go home and get
in shape.
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00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,354
Yeah, right.
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00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,855
You'll go and sit in front
of the TV
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00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,399
and eat Cheesy Poofs,
ass-master.
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00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,025
Screw you, hippie.
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00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,738
We'll be right back to
"Jesus and Pals" after this.
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00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,074
Hey, do you need to get in
shape fast?
240
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,867
Wanna look your best?
241
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,619
Tired of the other guys
getting all the chicks?
242
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,204
Are you tired of
being a 90-pound weakling?
243
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,373
Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
244
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,585
Then bulk up quick with
Weight Gain 4000.
245
00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,420
Yes.
Over 4,000 grams
246
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130
of saturated fat per serving,
247
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048
its patented formula is designed
248
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,551
to enter the mouth and go
directly to the stomach,
249
00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636
where it is distributed to the
bloodstream.
250
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,555
Now available at stores
everywhere.
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00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,224
Get some today, and say it
with me, "Beefcake."
252
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,601
Beefcake.
Beefcake!
253
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:01,810
Beefcake!
Beefcake!
254
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,812
Beefcake!
255
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,439
May cause irreversible damage
to the kidneys and liver.
256
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,026
Mom, can you get me some
Weight Gain 4000?
257
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404
Okay, Eric, I'll get you some
at the store tomorrow.
258
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,532
But, Mom, I need it for
tomorrow.
259
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,493
But tomorrow is
grocery day, Eric.
260
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,330
Mom.
261
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,206
Okay, okay.
262
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,917
Well, I guess I'll be going
to the store now, then.
263
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,131
# If they could see me now,
that little gang of mine #
264
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257
# I'm eating fancy chow
and drinking... #
265
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,925
No! No!
266
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845
Kill her.
267
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,056
No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.
268
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,726
Kill.
269
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,353
That does it.
270
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,814
You're going in the
dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
271
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,525
She'll make a fool of you again.
272
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,070
Well, you can just stay in that
drawer, negative Nancy.
273
00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,780
Hey, dudes.
274
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,448
What the hell is wrong with
you, Cartman?
275
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,699
Haven't you noticed the
three feet of snow
276
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,660
on the ground?
277
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,745
Listen, I have a nice body,
and I want to show it off.
278
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,330
You got that?
279
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,123
What?
You've got to weigh 90 pounds.
280
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,459
I'm up to 94, thank
you very much.
281
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,463
Yeah, they're almost as big
as his mom's.
282
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466
Laugh all you want.
283
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,968
I'll the one who's gonna be on
TV looking all buff.
284
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,596
What's that stuff?
Weight Gain 4000.
285
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,181
It's helping me bulk up.
286
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,974
Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
287
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,643
Super fat-ass?
288
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,395
Hey, I don't have to take
that kind of crap
289
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,773
from you scrawny weaklings.
290
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,360
Sweet, check me out.
291
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,738
I'm such a beefcake I can't
get through the door.
292
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,323
Come on, people.
293
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,325
We've got to turn
this place around.
294
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,994
Hang up the lights, string up
the banners,
295
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,663
castrate the cows.
296
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,960
Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the
little play going?
297
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628
Huh? Oh, fine.
298
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,088
We were just about to
run it from the top.
299
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,548
Oh, please do.
300
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550
I'm dying to see it.
301
00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,095
Okay, all the little pioneers
on this side of the stage.
302
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,972
Good, and all the little Indians
303
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,640
go to the center of the stage.
304
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,101
Am I an Indian or a pioneer?
305
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,561
Do you have a feather on your
head?
306
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,521
Yes.
Then you're an Indian.
307
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:10,772
Oh.
308
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,649
Okay, Bebe, this is your line.
309
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,194
This is the story of South Park.
310
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,322
It begins over 100 years ago
311
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:24,327
when the noble and hearty Ute
Indians lived on the land.
312
00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,542
Oh, don't they look adorable?
313
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,629
Then from the East came the
great white pioneers.
314
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:38,884
Ahh!
315
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470
Oh, my God.
316
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,305
They did it
a lot better this morning.
317
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,848
They had more energy.
318
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,642
The pioneers met with the
Indians
319
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,938
and negotiated for
their fertile lands.
320
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,524
Mr. Garrison, we cannot have
our children
321
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,402
beating each other senseless
in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
322
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,987
Well, what do you want?
323
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,572
This is how it happened
in those days.
324
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,949
Take that, you stupid Indian.
Ohh.
325
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:06,328
Mr. Garrison, this is not
appropriate.
326
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,247
Do you actually think that
Kathie Lee Gifford
327
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,791
would enjoy this?
328
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,542
To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford.
329
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,047
Oh, my God. What have I said?
330
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,008
He said, "To hell with Kathie
Lee Gifford."
331
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:25,764
Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing
you from directing our play.
332
00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:30,143
It happened again, didn't it?
333
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,271
Now we do things my way.
334
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,316
I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.
335
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,985
You're gonna have to do it.
336
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,244
Whoa, Cartman, talk
about wide load.
337
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,121
Yeah, I'm really starting to
fill out nicely.
338
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,832
You're not filling out nicely.
339
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,124
You're fatter than ever.
340
00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,209
I'm not fat.
341
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,961
I'm getting in shape.
342
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,796
Cartman, you're such a
fat-ass that when you walk
343
00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,798
down the street, people go,
"God damn it.
344
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,424
That's a big fat-ass."
345
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,802
No, they don't, you
jealous weakling.
346
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,513
God damn,
that's a big fat-ass.
347
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,139
Hey!
348
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,892
Hi, guys.
Oh, look, another hippie.
349
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,853
Peace, Wendy.
Shut up, Cartman.
350
00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,604
Oh.
351
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,356
# Two little hippies
sitting in a tree #
352
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316
I'm gonna find Cartman's paper
353
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,735
and get to the bottom of this.
354
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,613
Can I help you?
355
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,906
Yes.
356
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,700
I need a gun.
357
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,327
Would this be for hunting or
protection or other?
358
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,996
Other.
Alrighty then.
359
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,748
May I suggest a Stratford
12-millimeter?
360
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,500
Go ahead.
Try it on.
361
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,752
That looks really nice on you.
362
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,171
The lacquered black
really matches your eyes.
363
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,673
You talking to me?
364
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675
You talking to me?
365
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,635
I don't know,
it's a little small.
366
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,929
Okay.
How about this?
367
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,514
You talking to me?
368
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,641
Hmm, no, I don't like this one
either.
369
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,269
Here's the same gun
with a wood finish.
370
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,729
You talking to me?
371
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,522
I don't see anybody else
around here,
372
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,025
so you must be talking to me.
373
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,443
I'll take it.
374
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,445
Hello?
375
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,631
"My essay, by Eric Cartman.
376
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,758
"When I wrote the following
pages,
377
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,426
"or rather the bulk of them,
378
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,095
I lived alone in the
woods on the shore of..."
379
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,685
Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old
Kathie Lee really will be
380
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,646
surprised when she gets here
tomorrow.
381
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,982
She beat us in the talent
show all those years ago.
382
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,401
And I think we owe her for that.
383
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,986
Ba-bang!
384
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112
Oh, my God.
385
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,412
##
386
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,539
Howdy, Mr. Garrison.
Nice gun.
387
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,041
Thank you.
388
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,126
Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.
389
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,670
Thanks.
390
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,088
Hello, Officer Barbrady.
391
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,923
Nice gun.
Thanks.
392
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,633
Is there somewhere in town
where I can get a good,
393
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,718
clear shot... or a view of Kathie
Lee?
394
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,180
Hmm, you know, I think the
book depository
395
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,932
would be a good bet.
396
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,270
Yes, that might do quite nicely.
397
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,855
Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
398
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,148
No problem.
399
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275
Ha! Caught you red-handed!
400
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,528
No pictures of Kathie Lee.
401
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,531
Where is she?
402
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,450
This is sweet.
403
00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,495
Camera crews are setting up,
and I'm looking totally ripped.
404
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,664
Beefcake. Beefcake!
405
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915
I don't think they're gonna
be able to get
406
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,375
all of you in frame, Cartman.
407
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,168
You guys, we have to stop him.
408
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,337
Stop who?
Mr. Garrison.
409
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,507
He's going to try to
kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
410
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,050
Oh, no, you don't.
411
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,885
You're not gonna ruin my
moment of fame.
412
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,929
He's got a gun.
413
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,557
You gotta get over this whole
jealousy thing, all right?
414
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,267
Seriously, just face it.
415
00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,394
I wrote a better paper than you.
416
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,188
It just so happens that I
have your paper,
417
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,024
and I know why you won.
418
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,734
There's something more
important right now.
419
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,277
Let's go.
420
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,237
Wendy, you've got to prioritize.
421
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,114
What's more important, being
on TV
422
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,991
or some stupid assassination?
423
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,119
Stan, I can't do it alone.
424
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,370
Please?
425
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,247
Uh-oh, we're losing him.
426
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,999
Here she comes.
427
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:28,339
##
428
00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,467
Damn, I guess I'm not the
only person in America
429
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,635
who's thought of
killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
430
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430
We love you, Kathie Lee.
431
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,307
I love you too.
432
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,685
Come on, you little bitch.
433
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,395
You've got to come out of your
precious bubble
434
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,397
sooner or later, missy.
435
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,109
It is with great pride and
honor that I'd like to welcome
436
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,072
Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to
South Park.
437
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:58,203
And now our very own
South Park Elementary chef
438
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,499
will sing a special song in
honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
439
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,210
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
440
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:09,214
You know, Kathie Lee, you are
a very special woman.
441
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,175
I don't mean special in a Mary
Tyler Moore way
442
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,971
or special in an extra-value
meal at Happy Burger way.
443
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,556
No, no, no, no, no.
444
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,350
I mean special,
445
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,852
like the song of the
hummingbird as it gets ready
446
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,814
to find that female hummingbird
447
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,608
and make sweet love to it all
night long.
448
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,278
Just two hummingbirds moaning
and groaning and
449
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,030
letting their bodies caress
450
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,991
and touch each other in ecstasy.
451
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,410
# Oh Kathie Lee #
452
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,747
# How I'd love to lay you down #
453
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,959
# And lick every inch
of your body #
454
00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418
# With my tongue #
455
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,212
What?
456
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,464
# Kathie Lee
you're my sexual fantasy #
457
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,592
What?
# How about you and me #
458
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,386
Thank you, Chef,
for that heartwarming song.
459
00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,139
# Get it together
and make sweet love? #
460
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,265
Thank you, Chef.
461
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,850
Oh, oh.
462
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,061
God bless you, Kathie Lee.
463
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,729
Officer Barbrady,
464
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,356
Mr. Garrison is about to kill
Kathie Lee.
465
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,024
We have to find him.
466
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,152
What?
You mean the teacher?
467
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154
Wait a minute.
468
00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,489
Is there somewhere in town
where I can get a good, clear
469
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,700
shot...
Or a view of Kathie Lee?
470
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,661
Hmm, you know, I think the
book depository
471
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,580
would be a good bet.
472
00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,207
I think the book depository
would be a good bet.
473
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,586
Book depository, depository,
book depository, depository.
474
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,462
Damn, he could be anywhere.
475
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,423
I'll send out an APB.
476
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,674
Wendy, look.
477
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,095
And now, here to
present the award
478
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,224
for the environmental essay to
our own Eric Kaufman...
479
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,101
Cartman, God damn it.
480
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,146
Is your favorite celebrity
and mine,
481
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,649
Kathie Lee Gifford.
482
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,447
Thank you.
I love you all.
483
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,532
Mr. Garrison, stop.
484
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,075
Leave us.
485
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,077
We must finish what
we have begun.
486
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,079
I know that she's hurt you.
487
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,497
She's hurt a lot of people.
488
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124
You can't know.
489
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,501
You should've won
that talent show.
490
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,296
It is with a great honor and
pride that I present
491
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,173
the winner this trophy.
492
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,258
Eric, would you please come
up here?
493
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,887
Here it is, my big
moment of fame.
494
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,514
And then she finished it
all by throwing her voice
495
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,433
with two dummies at once.
496
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,228
I know that, Mr. Garrison,
but this isn't the answer.
497
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,814
It is too late for
me, young Wendy.
498
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,277
You see, I've learned
something today.
499
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,196
You can't win all the time.
500
00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,907
And if you don't win, you
certainly can't hold it against
501
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:44,035
the person who did, because
that's the only way
502
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,912
you ever really lose.
503
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331
You're... you're right.
504
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,458
Good.
505
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,419
Man, did she really throw her
voice with two dummies at once?
506
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,046
The bitch must die.
507
00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,716
Ahh!
508
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,141
Oh, my God.
They killed Kenny.
509
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,102
You bastard.
510
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,687
Gun!
Gun!
511
00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,397
Hey, come back.
512
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,982
We didn't even get to do
our play.
513
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,817
All: Aww.
514
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,568
I guess that's it, guys.
Wrap it up.
515
00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,737
Hey, wait a minute.
516
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,698
When do I get to be on
television?
517
00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,032
Forget it, kid.
518
00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,742
No Kathie Lee, no
public interest.
519
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:28,329
But I won the environmental
essay contest.
520
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,957
You don't
deserve to win, Cartman,
521
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,625
and you know it.
522
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,378
I'm holding Cartman's
award-winning paper.
523
00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,797
It's actually nothing more
than "Walden"
524
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,008
with Henry David Thoreau's
name crossed out
525
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,468
and Cartman's
name written in its place.
526
00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,970
Who cares?
527
00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,763
Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
528
00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,057
What about not holding
anything against
529
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,350
the person who wins?
530
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,894
Well, not if it's Cartman.
531
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,397
Hey, where are you all going?
532
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,108
They don't even know what
"Walden" is.
533
00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:01,029
I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom
you'd all know what it was.
534
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,780
Come on, Wendy.
535
00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,198
Kyle's mom will make us
tuna fish sandwiches.
536
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,700
Oh, what the hell.
537
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,578
No, no.
538
00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,539
Now I'll be stuck in
this Podunk town forever
539
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:14,834
with all these stupid, hick,
redneck, jobless,
540
00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,836
truck-driving idiots.
541
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464
Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
542
00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,133
Thought you could get
away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?
543
00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,634
Well, I would have gotten
away with it
544
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,470
if it weren't
for those meddling kids.
545
00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,388
You're lucky you missed
Kathie Lee Gifford
546
00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,932
and that nobody got hurt.
547
00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,520
We hope you can come
back to school real soon,
548
00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:36,356
Mr. Garrison.
549
00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:37,857
Well, children, I'd love to,
but the doctors say
550
00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,859
that Mr. Hat needs more
therapy.
551
00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,236
We can still get her.
552
00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,114
I'm just so sorry that I ruined
everyone's chances
553
00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574
for being on TV.
554
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:47,784
Not Cartman.
555
00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:49,285
He gets to be on TV anyway.
556
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,037
Really? On what?
557
00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:55,124
Obesity, adiposity, corpulence.
558
00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:58,252
Whatever word you use, it
represents one thing:
559
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171
being a big fat-ass.
560
00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,924
We have with us today live via
satellite Eric Cartman
561
00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,884
from South Park,
562
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,304
who is now so obese, he can't
even get out of his house.
563
00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598
When is this gonna be on the
air?
564
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,976
Is there anything you'd like
to say to people out there?
565
00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,020
Follow your dreams.
566
00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,939
You can reach your goals.
567
00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,524
I'm living proof.
568
00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,692
Beefcake. Beefcake!
569
00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,195
He needs to run his ass
around the block a few times.
570
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,490
Mmm, how about a little more
of that good loving, Chef?
571
00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,158
Damn, woman.
572
00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,035
I just gave you sweet
loving five minutes ago.
573
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,912
You trying to kill me?