You think you're man enough to fight me, you little shits?
Yeah, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, Dad!
You're both drunk pieces of shit!
Both of you sit the fuck down!
- Shut up! - They're noisy!
Fuck you, bitch!
You son a bitch!
They're nasty!
You done spilt that on my titties, skank!
They're white trash!
And when you give 'em a little Pabst Blue Ribbon,
they can't help getting arrested!
Tonight on an all new White Trash in Trouble...
Pabst Blue Ribbon and white trash—
it's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time
and children being taken away from their homes.
This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough.
Hmm.
But the children in this home live in a world of neglect.
There's no heating, no groceries.
And if you look closely in the backyard,
you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab.
Down on the ground!
- Move! - Let's move!
- Get down now! - Get down!
No! My babies!
Don't take my babies!
You're hurting my arm!
My babies!
You're hurting me!
You have the right to remain silent.
Now please look at the camera and say,
"I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble."
I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble.
All right, good. Now get in the car.
Oh, wow, poor people being arrested.
What a rare occurrence.
Hey, Kenny! Kenny, wave!
That's Kenny about to be sent to a foster home.
Pretty funny.
Just have a seat in there, kids.
The mother and father
will probably be released from jail on Monday,
but I guess the kids are gonna be taken away for good.
Child Protective Services
is about to talk to them in the soft room.
The soft room?
You know, the room we have set aside
for kids to feel safe in.
Hi, kids. How you doing?
My name's Mr. Adams,
and I just need to get some info from you.
Does that sound okay?
Can I see my mommy?
No, sorry.
Now, I've been looking over your file,
and I see you kids have all been
horribly physically and emotionally abused.
Oh, whoops! That isn't your case file.
It's the Penn State University Gazette!
I'm joking. That's just a joke.
We like to have fun here. It is your case file.
I was just all like,
"It's the Penn State Gazette!" To be like a joke.
We have fun.
Now, listen; you're gonna be put into a foster home,
so I need to know, would you like to go to Neverland Ranch,
a Catholic church, or Penn State University?
We're havin' fun here, aren't we?
I just-I come up with these and the guys—
it's good to laugh.
I just asked them if they wanted to go to Neverland,
a Catholic church, or Penn State!
I'm a trickster. People say I'm really meant for comedy.
Here's my head shot, just in case you know anybody.
Can't hurt, right? Okay, now...
Are we all starting to feel a little bit better?
Oh, come on, now. How 'bout that smile?
I'm gonna get you to smile!
A Penn State administrator walks into a bar.
Where's that smile?
How about this one?
Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station.
Come on, that's a good one.
Did you hear anything more about what happened?
Dude, I don't think Kenny's coming back.
My dad said those Child Protective Services people
are pretty serious.
We can't let Kenny be sent away forever.
There's gotta be something we can do!
Guys, guys, I've been working on it,
and I think I have some answers.
- Really? - Yeah.
I've gone through every student in the school,
and I'm pretty sure that now that Kenny's gone,
the poor kid is Craig!
That's what you care about,
who's the poorest kid in school now?
Pretty much went through everybody.
Craig's got the most-shh! Here he comes. Here he comes.
Hey, Craig, your, uh—
your family get you that jacket at Wal-Mart or K-Mart?
What are you talking about?
Nothin', dude. It's cool. It's cool.
I mean, we would tell your parents to shop at nicer places,
but your mama's so poor, she can't even pay attention!
Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead,
we have the new foster kids for your care.
Very good. We'll take them from here.
Children, enter.
Welcome to your new home.
Before we show you around, let's get one thing clear.
This is a very strict religious household.
As long as you live here, you will be agnostic.
These are your foster brothers and sisters.
They are all strict agnostics.
David, do you believe in God?
- I don't know. - Right!
There are two bedrooms upstairs, boys' room and girls' room.
Your chores are listed on the respective doors.
Follow.
You will eat only at designated mealtimes.
Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like.
However, in this house,
you will drink only agnostic beverages—
Dr. Pepper and diet Dr. Pepper.
Because what flavor is it?
It is neither root beer nor cola.
Nobody is sure what flavor it is,
and nobody can be sure,
Isn't that right... Melissa?
- I don't know. - Good!
This is awesome, Butters!
You really think you got something?
Yep.
To find out who the poorest kid is,
I actually was able to see which kids in school
got those coupons they hand out for school lunch.
Yeah?
So then I crossreferenced
all the kids who were on half-price lunches
with the tax records of people in town
to see which kid's parents
actually made the least amount of money last year.
Yeah?
Well, actually, Eric, it's you.
What?
Now that Kenny's gone,
your household actually has the lowest income.
I'm sorry, pal.
Oh, my God.
If we found this out,
it's only a matter of time before everybody else does.
I won't tell anybody.
Oh, come on!
We're not the only ones who wanted to look into this!
You think Kyle isn't on a computer right now,
trying to see who the poorest kid in school is?
Oh, he is gonna have such a field day,
that heartless Jew.
Well, I won't give him the satisfaction.
All right, let's hear it for Kyle!
He's so funny, isn't he, guys?
With all his jokes about Cartman being poor!
You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?
His mama's so poor, the ducks throw bread at her!
Yeah, that's super funny, guys!
Laugh it up, everyone!
Cartman's mama's so poor that when she goes to KFC,
she has to lick other people's fingers!
Ha! I beat you to it, Kyel!
My name is not "Kyel."
That's kyewl! Whatever, Kyel!
It must be nice having everything you want!
Hi, sweetie.
Sit down, Mom. We need to have a talk.
Oh, what is it this time?
Mom, how are you going to start bringing
more money into this household?
What, hon?
You have to start doing more, Mom.
What are you doing with your time?
Eric, I'm working two jobs.
Mommy's doing everything she can.
Yeah, see, the problem, Mom,
is that with Kenny gone,
I'm now the poorest kid in school.
Well, we're in a tough economy, Eric.
I don't know what else you want me to do about it.
We're in a tough economy.
You don't know what else I want you to do about it.
Life isn't handed to you, Mom!
You can't just sit on your ass and expect for money to appear!
Eric, we aren't that much poorer than most people.
- Not much po... - ?
My mama so poor, when she heard about the Last Supper,
she thought she was runnin' out of food stamps!
Oh!
It's not funny, Mom!
My mama's so poor, she waves around a Popsicle
and calls it air-conditioning.
I wish I could be put in a cool foster home
like Kenny's family.
Oh.
Oh, it's you.
I was wondering when you'd appear.
You always come when I'm sad.
You are going to be okay, Karen.
You have to keep believing that.
Why did my mommy and daddy go to jail?
Sometimes... people do stupid things.
Sometimes they don't realize what should have come first,
until it's too late.
- But I'm all alone now. - You are not alone.
No matter where you go,
no matter what you do,
I will always be here.
Do you understand?
I'll try, guardian angel.
Don't try, Karen. Do.
What in the name of nobody knows
are you doing, Karen?
Policeman.
Yes.
All right, thanks for the tip.
We'll check it out.
Better call the lieutenant.
Looks like we've got another meth lab in town.
Got any needles on you?
Any crack pipes?
Oh, my goodness, no.
I haven't used drugs in quite a while.
Then why is there a meth lab in your backyard?
What is going on here? Mom, what have you done?
Were things so bad for you financially,
you had to turn to a life of crime?
My mama so poor, she uses cheerios for earrings.
Well, guess I'm off to a foster home, then.
Hawaii is my first choice,
something not exactly on the beach
but maybe just a short walk away.
It's going to take me years to recover
from being torn from my mother's arms.
Only the ocean breezes and coconut trees can help me now.
When will you people learn
to lay off the Pabst Blue Ribbon?
Now look at the camera and say,
"I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble."
Oh, I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble.
Hi, there. How ya doing?
My name's Mr. Adams,
and I'm with Child Protective Services.
Here's my head shot.
I just need to get some information from you,
if that's okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, now, it says here
your mother was operating a meth lab.
That's right.
And it also says here
that Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime...
because at Penn State,
they like when you're a little behind in the locker room.
That's a joke. Did you get that one?
It's is a play on words. We like to have fun here.
Dude, do you think this is funny?
We just-no, we just like to have fun here.
Well, I'll tell you something!
Being from a low-income household isn't funny!
Aw, hell no!
My mama so poor,
she opened a gmail account just so she could eat the spam.
What-what, is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
You think you're funny?
A joke? You think being poor is a joke?
- Could be worse. - How?
Could be in Happy Valley!
On a scale from one to ten,
how old should you be to stay away from Penn State?
Dude, my mama so poor, when she gets mad,
she can't afford to fly off the handle,
so she's gotta go Greyhound off the handle!
Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt.
Jesus, this is a long drive. Are we in Hawaii yet?
Hawaii?
Yeah, that's where I requested to be sent.
Your foster home is here.
Pretty much the exact opposite of Hawaii.
What?
Greeley?
Come on, now!
This is not the way we've told you tidy up.
Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness,
so make it kind of clean, but not too much.
Amanda, more ambiguous on the dusting!
Kenneth, answer the door.
What the—
Dude, this is, like, poorer than my old house!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Hello, Eric.
Your room is upstairs on the left.
- Are you hungry? - You're my new mom?
You can call me Mom if you like.
All right, Mom, how much money do you make?
Like, gross yearly income after taxes?
This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers.
You will be clean, polite, and most importantly,
you will follow the agnostic code!
"We cannot know with certainty if God or Christ exists.
"They could.
"Then again, there could be a giant reptilian bird
"in charge of everything.
"Can we be certain there isn't?
No, so it's pointless to talk about."
Now say it with me.
God damn,
I gotta sleep in a room with six other people?
- How poor are we? - Hey!
We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house,
just in case there is one!
Do you understand, or do you need the punishment room?
Oh, hell, no.
Mom, Dad's being mean to me!
Mom!
Myeeeemmm!
My name is not "myeeeem."
Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
These kids all seem kind of mean.
I'll see you at recess, right?
You've already been here a while, Kenny,
so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay?
And make sure they know I'm cool.
You've gotta have my back, Kenny!
Oh, hey, Kenny. Who's this?
This is Eric Cartman.
Does he live with you at the foster home?
Okay, all right, so listen!
I know our family is poor, okay?
But before we lived there, Kenny was actually poorer than me,
so technically, he is the poorest kid at this school.
What are you talking about?
The poor kid in this school is Jacob Hallery.
- Really? - Yeah, dude.
His dad died five years ago,
and his mom went crazy from depression,
so she can't even keep a job.
Yes! Yes!
Did you hear that, Kenny? We're good!
I seriously thought we didn't stand a chance, but now...
everything's gonna be okay!
♪ 'Cause I'm not, I'm not ♪
♪ The poor kid at school ♪
Let's hear it for Jacob Hallery, guys!
His mama's so poor,
she cuts coupons out to be institutionalized!
♪ Greeley, Colorado's the place to be ♪
♪ It's a whole new beginning for you and me ♪
♪ Life can only get better ♪
♪ 'Cause I know one simple rule ♪
♪ I'm not, he's not ♪
♪ The poor kid at school ♪
Did he do stuff like this at your old school?
Uh-huh.
Lets put our hands up, everyone, except for Jacob.
His mama's so poor, she only understands hand-outs.
Eric, at Greeley Elementary,
we do not tolerate students making fun of other students.
I wasn't making fun of anybody.
"A 20-minute song-and-dance number
"with 47 'yo mama's so poor' jokes
"directed at Jacob Hallery
which ended in a finale with fireworks."
I was just teasing.
Your case worker has been notified,
and he is not happy.
My case worker? Oh, not this guy.
I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, Eric,
but you can't just turn all your frustrations
on a little kid who can't defend himself.
I mean, what do you think this is,
the shower room at Penn State?
I'm kidding!
We like to have fun in our department.
So I was like— I was like, "What?
Is this like the shower room at Penn State?"
I joke around. This is my head shot.
Will you stop with the Penn State jokes?
All you're doing is taking something topical
and revamping old Catholic jokes.
Oh! Oh, and "yo mama" jokes are better?
They've been around since the '50s.
What the hell does this have to do with anything?
Principal! You gotta send help to the playground!
They're about to beat up that new kid!
Aw, look at the new kid and her wittle dolly!
You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?
L-leave her alone.
Shut up! You foster twerps are all the same.
Come on, hand over the doll.
Who the hell is this?
How about you find another little girl to pick on?
Mind your business, Peter Pan!
Karen McCormick is off limits,
do you understand?
Make sure everybody in this school knows.
And if this food
comes as a gift from some divine intelligence,
we understand that an intelligent being
cannot blame us for questioning its existence.
Nobody knows, nobody can know
if any deity is watching over us.
Amen.
Except for Karen's guardian angel!
What?
Where did he take you after he saved you, Karen?
He just took me back to my classroom.
Then he disappeared, like always.
What have we told you about making up angel stories?
But we saw him!
He leapt down from the sky!
And he kicked the crap out of Jessica Pinkerton.
- Yeah! - We saw him!
Stop it, children!
We do not speak such certainties in this house!
Get down to the basement, all of you!
It's time for the punishment room!
Aah!
Now, did you see an angel?
No! No, I didn't see an angel!
No! You can't be certain of that!
You might have seen one!
Hit him with the Dr. Pepper again.
Aah!
Are there such things as angels?
Maybe.
- Good. - Aah!
What do we do, Kenny? Kenny?
What is the meaning of life?
It's impossible to know!
That's right!
Who could that be?
Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead,
I've received some disturbing news
that all you're providing the foster children here to drink
is soda.
Ha, ha, I told on you, Mom and Dad!
What business is that of yours?
It's my business because Child Protective Services
is accountable for these kids!
- Have I given you my head shot? - Yes, yes, we have that.
Okay, now, are you only giving these kids Dr. Pepper to drink?
If we want to serve agnostic beverages in this house,
then by God-ish, we'll do it!
The children you've sent here are undisciplined
and talking about the certainty of angels!
Excuse me?
Let's have a look around.
What the— who did this?
What is that?
It was like a little mystery person flying around.
Almost like some kind of agnostic angel.
Oh, my God.
What's going on here?
We don't know.
We can't possibly know.
What have I done?
I took you kids from your parents
without even checking into where you were going.
I put innocent children into a dangerous environment!
What am I, a recruitment coach for Penn State?
It's not funny!
There's nothing in there but Dr. Pepper, right?
There can't be.
Oh!
How did that get here?
It's says it's a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
What is it?
It's like beer but different.
But how did it get here?
Shut your mouth, bitch!
You shut your mouth, you dumb fucking asshole!
Fuck you, bitch!
You have the right to remain silent.
Now look at the camera and say,
"I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble."
I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble!
Get in the car, you.
Wait a minute.
I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble?
No, no, take all these kids back to their parents.
We've embarrassed the system
and made it something nobody wants to be a part of.
It's like a Penn State homecoming party.
A false police report
can carry a up to a two-month prison term, son!
I'm not saying it.
We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard!
I'm not saying it!
Then we'll add another charge for resisting!
Okay, fine!
I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble.
Three arrests in just one power-packed episode,
proving once again that we are all
just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from becoming...
Boy, it sure is good to have you back, Kenny.
I hear your parents might give up selling meth for good.
Yeah, maybe.
There he is. There's my buddy!
How was jail, fat ass?
Well, I did a lot of thinking, and you know, guys,
there's an important lesson I think we've all learned.
What do we do when the tables are turned?
♪ The day's lookin' brighter ♪
♪ Gray skies are turnin' blue ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm not, he's not ♪
♪ He's not the poor kid at school ♪
♪ Kenny's back and it's such a thrill ♪
♪ Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kyel ♪
♪ All that matters is no one thinks I'm a tool ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm not, he's not ♪
♪ He's not, that's right ♪
♪ The poor kid at school ♪
Sing it with me, guys!
♪ He's not the poor kid at school ♪
What the fuck?
Aw, my mama's so poor,
she walks down the road with one shoe.
And if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says,
"No, I found one."