1 00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:07,290 SouthParkNews.net La Fabrique 2 00:00:37,224 --> 00:00:38,822 {\pub}{\pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch! 3 00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:45,829 Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! 4 00:00:47,102 --> 00:00:50,665 You motherfucker! I never should have married you! 5 00:00:50,995 --> 00:00:53,691 You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow! 6 00:00:54,177 --> 00:00:56,727 Then why the fuck are you getting text messages 7 00:00:56,852 --> 00:00:59,699 from some low-life hooker on Thanksgiving? 8 00:01:00,004 --> 00:01:01,845 God, shut up! Shut up! 9 00:01:02,513 --> 00:01:04,341 Where are my fucking pills? 10 00:01:05,730 --> 00:01:08,230 Take more Vicodin, Tiger! That'll help! 11 00:01:08,519 --> 00:01:11,348 - Will you just listen to me? - Listen to this! 12 00:01:12,523 --> 00:01:13,850 You fucking whore! 13 00:01:16,521 --> 00:01:19,342 Where the fuck do you think you're going? 14 00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:21,858 I'm getting the fuck away from you! 15 00:01:25,288 --> 00:01:27,864 Open the door, you motherfucker! 16 00:01:30,365 --> 00:01:32,375 Chase after me in the car, Kenny! 17 00:01:32,882 --> 00:01:34,652 - What are you {\*guys }doing? - {\*Dude, }Check it out. 18 00:01:34,777 --> 00:01:37,380 It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox. 19 00:01:40,551 --> 00:01:43,380 - Fuck you, cunt! - Stop breaking through the window{\*, Kenny}! 20 00:01:44,048 --> 00:01:45,388 I'm gonna crash! 21 00:01:50,248 --> 00:01:52,752 Look what you did, you crazy bitch! 22 00:01:53,057 --> 00:01:55,879 Serves you right, you cheating turd! 23 00:01:57,214 --> 00:01:59,896 - {\*Dude, }Was that a combo move? - Yeah, {\*dude, }I fucked you up! 24 00:02:00,571 --> 00:02:02,899 {\*Dude, }Here come the cops! We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie! 25 00:02:03,762 --> 00:02:05,902 I didn't know golf games were this cool! 26 00:02:06,577 --> 00:02:08,912 Yeah, {\*dude, }EA Sports outdid themselves this time. 27 00:02:12,577 --> 00:02:15,195 I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds 28 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,789 our country has to offer. 29 00:02:16,914 --> 00:02:20,279 As you have all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis. 30 00:02:20,585 --> 00:02:22,919 And we need to find out what's causing it. Why! 31 00:02:23,902 --> 00:02:26,429 Why are rich successful men suddenly going out 32 00:02:26,591 --> 00:02:28,864 and trying to have sex with lots of women. 33 00:02:30,277 --> 00:02:32,258 Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, 34 00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:34,806 but our data shows that the numbers are growing. 35 00:02:35,106 --> 00:02:37,198 David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. 36 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,629 There is a pattern here{\*, people}. 37 00:02:38,917 --> 00:02:41,758 Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money 38 00:02:42,213 --> 00:02:45,262 use that to try and have sex with lots of different women? 39 00:02:46,444 --> 00:02:49,766 And these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home! 40 00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:52,312 Why would they even think of sex with others? 41 00:02:52,437 --> 00:02:53,437 Dammit. 42 00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:55,952 I want answers. 43 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:59,956 We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir. 44 00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:01,862 Sex a woo-hoo? 45 00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:04,906 It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet. 46 00:03:05,031 --> 00:03:07,451 But it seems to make people... different. 47 00:03:07,793 --> 00:03:11,468 Of course, we {\*all }know the normal {\*healthy }male thinks only of sex occasionally 48 00:03:11,904 --> 00:03:14,477 and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. 49 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:15,478 Of course. 50 00:03:16,324 --> 00:03:18,481 - Definitely true. - {\*Yes, }We all know that, go on. 51 00:03:18,643 --> 00:03:20,382 But in the sex addict, 52 00:03:20,507 --> 00:03:23,980 their {\*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. 53 00:03:24,358 --> 00:03:27,984 The mere sight of an attractive woman can make him think about sex with her. 54 00:03:28,569 --> 00:03:29,986 But what about love? 55 00:03:30,495 --> 00:03:33,990 How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? 56 00:03:35,817 --> 00:03:38,495 What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction? 57 00:03:39,055 --> 00:03:41,504 It could be caused by something in the water supply. 58 00:03:41,672 --> 00:03:44,507 - Perhaps even by global warming. - Or cooling. 59 00:03:45,372 --> 00:03:48,505 If so, then the disease could start to affect our children. 60 00:03:48,985 --> 00:03:50,006 That does it. 61 00:03:51,517 --> 00:03:54,010 I want health screenings at all our nation's schools. 62 00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:58,014 We need to find out if {\*any }young people might be carrying this disease. 63 00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,480 Good afternoon, students. 64 00:04:01,605 --> 00:04:03,924 We are going to be doing a health screening today. 65 00:04:04,291 --> 00:04:06,529 It won't take long, and will be relatively painless, 66 00:04:06,691 --> 00:04:09,526 but we need to see if any students are showing symptoms. 67 00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:13,036 In a moment, I am going to show you a suggestive picture, 68 00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,931 and {\*then }I am going to ask you a question about the picture. 69 00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:18,522 All right. Ready? 70 00:04:18,965 --> 00:04:19,895 Here we go. 71 00:04:21,712 --> 00:04:23,039 What? 72 00:04:24,518 --> 00:04:25,548 Jesus, dude. 73 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,900 Holy Moly. What's that, between the lady's legs? 74 00:04:28,025 --> 00:04:29,052 It's all bushy! 75 00:04:29,414 --> 00:04:32,055 Please just study the picture the best you can, students. 76 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:34,737 I'll then ask a question which you'll answer on the paper{\* provided}. 77 00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:36,806 I've never seen that part of a lady! 78 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,562 Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they? 79 00:04:39,922 --> 00:04:41,024 Okay, very good. 80 00:04:41,371 --> 00:04:43,560 Now, what color... 81 00:04:44,011 --> 00:04:47,063 was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? 82 00:04:48,239 --> 00:04:50,830 Write down your answer, please. What color was the handkerchief 83 00:04:50,955 --> 00:04:52,318 in the nice lady's hand. 84 00:04:54,532 --> 00:04:57,073 Did you see the bush on that lady? What the heck was that? 85 00:04:57,518 --> 00:04:59,582 Very good. Turn your answers over, please. 86 00:05:00,446 --> 00:05:02,942 Gee wiz, it was like almost up to her belly button. 87 00:05:03,247 --> 00:05:04,347 All right, now. 88 00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:07,584 Who answered that the handkerchief was yellow? 89 00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,094 Very good. Very good indeed. 90 00:05:11,262 --> 00:05:13,493 Now I'd like to see, who answered: 91 00:05:13,758 --> 00:05:15,091 "What handkerchief?" 92 00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:25,101 You three boys, please come with me. 93 00:05:26,422 --> 00:05:28,611 I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see {\*a handkerchief}it, Kenny? 94 00:05:28,773 --> 00:05:31,107 Fuck no, I wasn't looking at any handkerchief! 95 00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:38,615 I'm sorry{\* boys}, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction. 96 00:05:39,283 --> 00:05:40,562 - What? - Oh no! 97 00:05:41,126 --> 00:05:42,357 Who fucking cares. 98 00:05:42,482 --> 00:05:44,627 {\*We are going to}We'll have to send you home, I'm afraid. 99 00:05:44,789 --> 00:05:47,123 Wait, we're sex addicts? Are you sure? 100 00:05:47,645 --> 00:05:51,127 Our nice lady with a handkerchief test is {\*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough. 101 00:05:51,496 --> 00:05:55,131 {\*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal{\*, well-adjusted} students. 102 00:05:55,650 --> 00:05:58,134 It was just... so big and bushy, sir! 103 00:05:58,556 --> 00:06:01,638 - Why does it look like that? - So what happens to us now? 104 00:06:03,808 --> 00:06:06,133 A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. 105 00:06:06,258 --> 00:06:08,960 Your addiction will start off slowly, magazines, Internet sites. 106 00:06:09,085 --> 00:06:12,594 But {\*then }as you keep chasing your high, your tastes will get more {\*and more }dangerous. 107 00:06:12,817 --> 00:06:16,152 {\*Most likely, }You'll end up {\*going the way of}like David Carradine and Michael Hutchence. 108 00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:18,154 Autoerotic asphyxiation. 109 00:06:18,823 --> 00:06:20,977 Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that? 110 00:06:21,325 --> 00:06:23,480 I don't want to go into too much detail, but... 111 00:06:23,828 --> 00:06:25,668 you choke yourself with a belt{\* around your neck}, 112 00:06:25,830 --> 00:06:27,919 while masturbating, dressed up like Batman{\* or something}. 113 00:06:28,044 --> 00:06:29,542 Then you pass out{\* from lack of air}, 114 00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:32,669 and apparently, it makes your orgasm super awesome. 115 00:06:33,099 --> 00:06:34,177 Really? 116 00:06:35,339 --> 00:06:37,674 I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume! 117 00:06:39,172 --> 00:06:41,184 Ladies and gentlemen, for the past {\*several }days 118 00:06:41,352 --> 00:06:44,584 we have been screening {\*our nation's }schools for signs of sex addition. 119 00:06:44,855 --> 00:06:47,419 The results of our tests are troubling, to say the least. 120 00:06:47,544 --> 00:06:48,685 Dr. Tonton? 121 00:06:49,239 --> 00:06:53,189 In fourth graders, 5% of male students were found to be sex addicts. 122 00:06:53,652 --> 00:06:56,179 By sixth grade, the number goes up to 30%. 123 00:06:56,523 --> 00:06:57,700 At high schools, 124 00:06:57,862 --> 00:07:00,684 nearly 91% of male students answered 125 00:07:01,023 --> 00:07:02,198 "What handkerchief?" 126 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:05,647 We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. 127 00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:08,167 Young people all over America are infected 128 00:07:08,292 --> 00:07:09,902 and at an extreme risk to themselves 129 00:07:10,027 --> 00:07:13,209 and to the people around them. They're leading lives of secret pain. 130 00:07:13,513 --> 00:07:15,075 And so, these infected boys 131 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,720 will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex 132 00:07:17,882 --> 00:07:19,931 all the time with lots of different people? 133 00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:21,429 It appears so. 134 00:07:21,554 --> 00:07:23,219 The poor bastards. 135 00:07:24,676 --> 00:07:27,099 But what about us, normal healthy adults? 136 00:07:27,391 --> 00:07:29,086 Are we at risk of exposure? 137 00:07:29,438 --> 00:07:30,602 We don't believe so. 138 00:07:30,727 --> 00:07:34,453 In adult males, for whatever reason, {\*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic 139 00:07:34,578 --> 00:07:36,720 amongst rich, successful celebrities. 140 00:07:37,001 --> 00:07:38,847 However, we are still collecting data. 141 00:07:39,561 --> 00:07:43,239 {\*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man to {\*go out and }have sex with everyone he could? 142 00:07:45,409 --> 00:07:47,243 Whatever is causing this outbreak, 143 00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:49,746 we guarantee we will find it. 144 00:07:50,768 --> 00:07:52,578 Kenny, it's time for dinner! 145 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,037 Sunset and evening star, 146 00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:04,205 and one clear call for me! 147 00:08:04,592 --> 00:08:06,769 And may there be no moaning of the bar, 148 00:08:07,109 --> 00:08:09,272 - when I put out to sea. - {\*Oh }My God, it's true. 149 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,768 But such a tide as moving seems asleep, 150 00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:13,770 too full for sound and foam, 151 00:08:14,032 --> 00:08:16,272 when that which drew from out the boundless deep... 152 00:08:16,636 --> 00:08:18,274 There! It was like that! 153 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,276 It looked just like that! 154 00:08:23,652 --> 00:08:25,281 Just like this but smaller! 155 00:08:25,664 --> 00:08:27,624 {\*And }Right {\*in the place}where her underwear should have been! 156 00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:29,573 If I trim it down, it'll look right. 157 00:08:29,698 --> 00:08:30,793 Butters, stop it! 158 00:08:31,175 --> 00:08:33,158 But this is what I keep seeing in my head! 159 00:08:33,464 --> 00:08:36,512 {\*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it? {\*We're going to}We'll end up {\*just }like Kenny! 160 00:08:36,771 --> 00:08:39,515 If I can just see it again, I'll be fine! 161 00:08:40,081 --> 00:08:40,803 {\*Butters, }Stop! 162 00:08:41,582 --> 00:08:44,020 - Leave me alone! - Stop it!{\* Stop!} 163 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,025 Oh God! 164 00:08:50,304 --> 00:08:51,527 Help us! 165 00:08:57,783 --> 00:08:59,998 {\pub}{\pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive. 166 00:09:00,869 --> 00:09:02,501 {\pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here. 167 00:09:03,372 --> 00:09:05,003 {\pos(192,245)}Concentration is key. 168 00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:08,711 {\pos(192,245)}You motherfucker! I never should have married you! 169 00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:10,754 {\pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it! 170 00:09:10,879 --> 00:09:14,012 {\pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck? How many? 171 00:09:14,861 --> 00:09:17,540 - Dude, I clocked you! - I told you this game was sweet{\*, dude}. 172 00:09:19,062 --> 00:09:21,019 {\pos(192,245)}Hang on. I'm switching to a seven iron. 173 00:09:24,715 --> 00:09:26,395 Man, I lost another endorsement! 174 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,551 - How'd you do that? - Hit A and X together. 175 00:09:29,315 --> 00:09:30,529 {\pos(192,245)}Round 2. 176 00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:31,984 {\pos(192,245)}Fight! 177 00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:35,033 You're going down, Elin! 178 00:09:35,225 --> 00:09:37,231 I don't think so{\*, dude}. I got the prenup power up. 179 00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:39,037 {\pos(192,245)}Prenup power up! 180 00:09:40,707 --> 00:09:43,065 {\pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak! When did you get that power up? 181 00:09:44,735 --> 00:09:46,044 All right, sex addicts! 182 00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:48,542 What other destructive behaviors did we engage in, 183 00:09:48,715 --> 00:09:50,892 which lead to our ultimate downfall? 184 00:09:51,754 --> 00:09:53,505 Anyone have another example? 185 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,866 Let's see. How about... David! 186 00:09:57,968 --> 00:09:59,558 Having sex with employees. 187 00:10:00,346 --> 00:10:03,515 Sex with employees, definitely a danger there. 188 00:10:03,730 --> 00:10:05,588 What else? Mr. Clinton? 189 00:10:06,352 --> 00:10:08,316 Putting cigars in girls' vaginas. 190 00:10:08,812 --> 00:10:12,358 Very good, Billy. Cigars in vaginas. 191 00:10:12,483 --> 00:10:14,304 Not the best idea there. 192 00:10:14,527 --> 00:10:17,070 Watching Internet porn all day every day? 193 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:19,101 Spot on, Charlie Sheen. 194 00:10:19,245 --> 00:10:21,825 Excessive Internet porn. 195 00:10:22,115 --> 00:10:24,370 Now, the reason we are making this list 196 00:10:24,495 --> 00:10:26,585 is that we have new members today! 197 00:10:26,872 --> 00:10:30,088 I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers! 198 00:10:34,437 --> 00:10:37,095 Would you care to share your stories with us, boys? 199 00:10:39,766 --> 00:10:41,553 {\*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict. 200 00:10:41,768 --> 00:10:44,102 I'm so scared. I haven't even told my mom yet. 201 00:10:44,771 --> 00:10:46,512 Does your mom have big tits? 202 00:10:47,532 --> 00:10:48,302 Sorry. 203 00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:49,608 Me, I just... 204 00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:51,634 I just can't stop thinking about bush. 205 00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:53,344 I heard that. 206 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:56,443 {\*I mean, }It's like... What is it? What does it mean? 207 00:10:56,707 --> 00:10:58,116 Why would there be a bush{\* right there}? 208 00:10:58,284 --> 00:11:00,114 Is it a live bush? Are there berries? 209 00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:02,445 Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off. 210 00:11:03,313 --> 00:11:04,122 Gee wiz. 211 00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:07,938 To better understand the sex addiction outbreak 212 00:11:08,144 --> 00:11:10,624 we have been running tests on chimpanzees. 213 00:11:10,821 --> 00:11:14,003 {\*You can see that }This entire community of specimens are getting along normally, 214 00:11:14,128 --> 00:11:15,816 some pairing off, others on their own. 215 00:11:16,096 --> 00:11:17,485 {\*Now, }See this chimp here. 216 00:11:17,692 --> 00:11:21,139 An average, normal adult male. Blending in seamlessly with the others. 217 00:11:21,808 --> 00:11:24,643 Now watch. We are going to give it a lot of money. 218 00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:26,640 Go ahead. 219 00:11:48,036 --> 00:11:49,167 My God! 220 00:12:07,983 --> 00:12:10,188 The subject is now isolated and shunned. 221 00:12:10,699 --> 00:12:13,062 Incredible. And what is it doing now? 222 00:12:13,258 --> 00:12:15,694 Making a public apology on its talk show. 223 00:12:19,736 --> 00:12:20,699 Alrighty!{\* Now,} 224 00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,702 We all know the destructive behavior 225 00:12:23,894 --> 00:12:26,705 that got us into this predicament, don't we? 226 00:12:26,982 --> 00:12:30,579 What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? 227 00:12:32,456 --> 00:12:34,713 Avoid drugs and alcohol? 228 00:12:36,696 --> 00:12:39,549 No, Tiger. You still aren't getting it. 229 00:12:40,281 --> 00:12:43,221 In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives 230 00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:46,224 with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... 231 00:12:46,553 --> 00:12:47,553 Anyone? 232 00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:49,515 Avoid getting... Anyone? 233 00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:50,729 Caught. 234 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,727 Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone? 235 00:12:52,852 --> 00:12:54,059 Getting caught. 236 00:12:54,561 --> 00:12:56,522 Very good! You are all here in therapy 237 00:12:56,647 --> 00:12:58,232 because you got... 238 00:12:58,586 --> 00:12:59,586 caught! 239 00:12:59,906 --> 00:13:02,765 {\*So, }How to we avoid getting caught? Ben Roethlisberger. 240 00:13:03,612 --> 00:13:06,745 Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms? 241 00:13:06,937 --> 00:13:08,701 When they ask you for money, pay them. 242 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:09,748 Good{\*, yes}. 243 00:13:10,036 --> 00:13:11,120 Hang on. 244 00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:13,580 We shouldn't be learning how to not get caught. 245 00:13:13,762 --> 00:13:16,254 We have to take responsibility for our actions. 246 00:13:19,926 --> 00:13:21,760 What the fuck are you talking about? 247 00:13:23,549 --> 00:13:25,592 We have to accept that we have a problem 248 00:13:25,773 --> 00:13:28,053 and put the blame completely on ourselves. 249 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:30,769 {\*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really even a disease. 250 00:13:39,469 --> 00:13:40,302 {\*Yeah, }It's me. 251 00:13:41,024 --> 00:13:42,781 We've got a turd in the punch bowl. 252 00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,785 I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl. 253 00:13:49,289 --> 00:13:52,290 Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. 254 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,793 The monkeys who were given cash always acted out 255 00:13:54,961 --> 00:13:57,166 their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. 256 00:13:57,291 --> 00:13:59,793 It appears that money has a direct effect 257 00:13:59,966 --> 00:14:01,800 on the viruses ability to develop. 258 00:14:02,629 --> 00:14:05,804 So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success. 259 00:14:06,092 --> 00:14:07,305 No good{\* Mr. President}. 260 00:14:07,551 --> 00:14:10,809 Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money 261 00:14:11,013 --> 00:14:13,679 and become successful in order to feed their addiction. 262 00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:17,339 {\*You mean }Boys will start working towards being rich and successful 263 00:14:17,561 --> 00:14:20,194 just so they can one day have sex with lots of women? 264 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:24,322 That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues. 265 00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:26,825 We tried to find something in hundred dollar bills 266 00:14:27,017 --> 00:14:29,327 that could explain why this is happening now. 267 00:14:29,573 --> 00:14:32,330 Then we looked at the backside and found this. 268 00:14:34,161 --> 00:14:35,333 Independence Hall, 269 00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,359 the birthplace of our country. 270 00:14:37,893 --> 00:14:40,334 We believe something is happening at Independence Hall 271 00:14:40,530 --> 00:14:42,340 that gives money its power over men. 272 00:14:42,942 --> 00:14:44,171 Independence Hall, 273 00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:45,844 Independence Day, 274 00:14:46,590 --> 00:14:47,345 aliens. 275 00:14:48,717 --> 00:14:49,717 Gentlemen, 276 00:14:50,016 --> 00:14:52,661 I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. 277 00:14:53,055 --> 00:14:54,848 This is highly classified, 278 00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:57,644 but in 1947, a flying saucer was discovered 279 00:14:57,769 --> 00:14:59,357 in Roswell, New Mexico. 280 00:14:59,872 --> 00:15:02,861 Two deceased alien {\*bodies }were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. 281 00:15:03,175 --> 00:15:05,363 They carried a virus with them, 282 00:15:05,797 --> 00:15:09,367 {\*a virus }that{\* apparently} was only barely stopped from spreading all over the country. 283 00:15:10,183 --> 00:15:13,872 And you think these aliens could be back with a new virus, 284 00:15:14,117 --> 00:15:17,162 {\*one }originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men 285 00:15:17,287 --> 00:15:18,901 to have sex with lots of women? 286 00:15:20,046 --> 00:15:22,881 It's the only explanation that makes any sense. 287 00:15:28,048 --> 00:15:30,212 {\pub}{\pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry 288 00:15:30,356 --> 00:15:32,886 {\pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. 289 00:15:33,622 --> 00:15:36,331 {\pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed all of you. 290 00:15:36,693 --> 00:15:39,238 {\pos(192,240)}Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt 291 00:15:39,363 --> 00:15:41,336 {\pos(192,240)}or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. 292 00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:44,827 {\pos(192,240)}It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. 293 00:15:45,008 --> 00:15:47,079 {\pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing but grace and poise. 294 00:15:47,204 --> 00:15:48,343 {\pos(192,240)}You motherfucker! 295 00:15:50,145 --> 00:15:52,347 I should have never married you! 296 00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:54,236 - Stop it! - A porn star? 297 00:15:54,404 --> 00:15:56,351 You screwed a porn star? 298 00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,354 {\*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number on my cell phone? 299 00:15:59,479 --> 00:16:01,063 {\*Yeah, }Back in that water level. 300 00:16:02,913 --> 00:16:05,013 Is Kyle still at sex addiction therapy? 301 00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:06,749 That must be really intense. 302 00:16:11,922 --> 00:16:13,433 {\*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now? 303 00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:17,760 We are on our way to help take care of your diseases once and for all! 304 00:16:18,069 --> 00:16:20,262 Good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore. 305 00:16:20,430 --> 00:16:23,265 Don't worry. As soon as it's dead, everything will make sense. 306 00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:26,268 As soon as what's dead? 307 00:16:26,436 --> 00:16:28,161 - Jesus! - He just doesn't get it! 308 00:16:28,438 --> 00:16:31,093 The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out 309 00:16:31,218 --> 00:16:32,888 at Independence Hall! 310 00:16:44,454 --> 00:16:46,401 Entrance is clear, Mr. President! 311 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:51,120 Mr. President, you aren't safe here, let us handle this. 312 00:16:51,461 --> 00:16:52,656 Right side clear! 313 00:16:52,963 --> 00:16:54,104 We must be careful. 314 00:16:54,229 --> 00:16:57,299 The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility. 315 00:16:57,547 --> 00:17:00,030 Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard. 316 00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:01,917 {\*Yes!}It explains everything! 317 00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:05,420 A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species. 318 00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:08,310 Causing all the men to become sex addicts. 319 00:17:08,478 --> 00:17:09,311 Enough! 320 00:17:09,436 --> 00:17:11,814 We've to find the wizard alien and break his spell! 321 00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:14,429 Okay, okay. All right, hang on guys. 322 00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:16,794 {\*I mean }Come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. 323 00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:17,933 Wizard alien? 324 00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:20,435 We all know what's going on here, don't we? 325 00:17:21,256 --> 00:17:24,259 Whenever a story breaks about some rich {\*famous }guy going around 326 00:17:24,384 --> 00:17:27,943 and having sex with tons of girls, we all {\*want to }act like we don't understand it. 327 00:17:28,111 --> 00:17:28,944 But we do. 328 00:17:29,275 --> 00:17:30,626 We're guys, you know? 329 00:17:30,751 --> 00:17:32,991 Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male, 330 00:17:33,116 --> 00:17:34,543 {\*and }get all the women that we can. 331 00:17:35,256 --> 00:17:36,338 {\*I mean, }Look where we are! 332 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:39,454 Even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved, 333 00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:40,817 because he could. 334 00:17:40,942 --> 00:17:44,112 We don't have to condone what these rich famous people do, 335 00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:46,648 but we can at least admit that given the same temptations 336 00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:49,464 and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, 337 00:17:49,826 --> 00:17:52,467 a lot of guys might do something similar. 338 00:17:56,639 --> 00:17:58,974 We have a turd in the punch bowl. 339 00:17:59,202 --> 00:18:00,475 Turd in the punch bowl. 340 00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:03,478 What are you doing? {\*Come on!}Where are you taking me? 341 00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,981 {\pos(192,230)}Ten city blocks have been shut down 342 00:18:06,106 --> 00:18:09,388 {\pos(192,230)}because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here, 343 00:18:09,539 --> 00:18:10,737 {\pos(192,230)}in Independence Hall. 344 00:18:10,984 --> 00:18:13,976 {\pos(192,230)}By all accounts the alien is also a wizard, 345 00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:16,421 {\pos(192,230)}who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak 346 00:18:16,546 --> 00:18:18,493 {\pos(192,230)}of sex addiction in our country! 347 00:18:23,053 --> 00:18:24,253 {\*Mr. President!}Here they are! 348 00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:27,137 This is the boy I told you about. 349 00:18:27,262 --> 00:18:29,504 - And his friend, Bummers. - Son, 350 00:18:29,867 --> 00:18:33,008 we were told that you think sex addition can be controlled, 351 00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,510 that it just takes restraint. Is that true? 352 00:18:36,566 --> 00:18:39,786 I just think I'd rather control it instead of blame it on anything. 353 00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:41,516 Amazing! 354 00:18:41,781 --> 00:18:44,339 {\*Then }The wizard alien's spell might not have any power over him! 355 00:18:44,464 --> 00:18:47,718 - He could draw the bastard out! - Quick! Give that boy a gun! 356 00:18:48,230 --> 00:18:50,412 - What? - You better take one too! 357 00:18:51,081 --> 00:18:52,741 {\*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell! 358 00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:55,530 - The bastard has gotta be upstairs! - What bastard? 359 00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:59,020 The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got to... 360 00:19:02,092 --> 00:19:03,425 What the hell was that? 361 00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,540 I got a bad feeling about this. 362 00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:11,720 - {\*Oh }My God, there it is! - It's the alien wizard! 363 00:19:12,102 --> 00:19:14,049 It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! 364 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,555 - Shoot it, boys! - You have to shoot it! 365 00:19:23,113 --> 00:19:24,446 {\*Shoot it }Again! It's still alive! 366 00:19:27,039 --> 00:19:28,159 You gotta reload! 367 00:19:31,121 --> 00:19:33,216 Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! 368 00:19:34,932 --> 00:19:37,572 - Keep shooting it! - Shoot him in his blabber mouth! 369 00:19:43,858 --> 00:19:45,580 My God, they've done it! 370 00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:53,088 {\*Look!}The sex addiction! It's leaving my body! 371 00:19:53,213 --> 00:19:55,090 I can feel it! I'm free! 372 00:19:55,645 --> 00:19:56,787 We are healed! 373 00:20:01,398 --> 00:20:02,398 We watched 374 00:20:02,793 --> 00:20:05,100 as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. 375 00:20:05,483 --> 00:20:07,102 It devastated families. 376 00:20:07,979 --> 00:20:11,606 But once again, our great country has risen up as one. 377 00:20:12,302 --> 00:20:14,109 The wizard alien is dead. 378 00:20:14,717 --> 00:20:16,611 Sex addiction is no more. 379 00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:19,114 And if a rich celebrity is caught again 380 00:20:19,239 --> 00:20:20,936 trying to screw lots of women, 381 00:20:21,061 --> 00:20:23,618 we'll now know it isn't because men are just like that, 382 00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:27,122 it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. 383 00:20:30,985 --> 00:20:33,628 I'm so glad it's over, Sharon, aren't you? 384 00:20:34,251 --> 00:20:37,019 We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. 385 00:20:37,744 --> 00:20:40,135 {\*Boys, }How does it feel to be free of your illness? 386 00:20:41,347 --> 00:20:43,583 I guess it feels great. 387 00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,639 Thanks. 388 00:20:45,195 --> 00:20:48,143 Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! 389 00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:51,049 I finally paid a lady to show me hers. 390 00:20:51,201 --> 00:20:53,148 You wanna know what's under that bush? 391 00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:56,151 Nothin' but a pair of sick joker lips! 392 00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:59,154 {\pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured, 393 00:20:59,279 --> 00:21:02,436 {\pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone, 394 00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:04,046 {\pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife. 395 00:21:04,286 --> 00:21:05,981 {\pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful, 396 00:21:06,106 --> 00:21:08,942 {\pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel any need to get revenge 397 00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:11,053 {\pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys. 398 00:21:15,338 --> 00:21:18,173 {\pos(192,240)}So I officially announce my return to golf! 399 00:21:30,964 --> 00:21:33,188 What the hell? This game's all boring now. 400 00:21:33,550 --> 00:21:35,190 {\*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting? 401 00:21:36,246 --> 00:21:38,693 {\*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around? 402 00:21:39,308 --> 00:21:40,695 Golf is stupid again.