1
00:00:33,639 --> 00:00:36,998
Mom! MOOOM! Mom! Seriously!
Something wonderful has happened!
2
00:00:37,033 --> 00:00:38,313
What is it, snookums?
3
00:00:38,348 --> 00:00:39,493
Mom, look! The tooth fairy!
4
00:00:39,494 --> 00:00:41,782
I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me two dollars!
5
00:00:41,783 --> 00:00:43,525
She's only given me a lousy quarter before!
6
00:00:43,526 --> 00:00:47,321
Oh my! She must think that you
are a very special little muffin.
7
00:00:47,356 --> 00:00:49,001
Yeah! This is so tits!
8
00:00:49,036 --> 00:00:50,614
Don't say "tits," Eric.
9
00:00:50,649 --> 00:00:52,172
Oh, I mean, this is so cool!
10
00:00:52,207 --> 00:00:57,126
Well, then, now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest.
11
00:00:57,161 --> 00:01:02,024
Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy store and buy me a skateboard!
12
00:01:02,059 --> 00:01:06,435
But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy wants
you to use that money to learn about saving.
13
00:01:06,470 --> 00:01:09,229
Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay?
14
00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:12,739
You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see you later! Aw, man, this is so tits!
15
00:01:14,011 --> 00:01:17,040
Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe this! Oh my God, you guys, seriously!
16
00:01:17,041 --> 00:01:20,861
Just wait until you hear this, you guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! Aren't you stoked?!
17
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:21,942
What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
18
00:01:21,977 --> 00:01:23,778
He's fat and he's stupid?
19
00:01:23,813 --> 00:01:26,538
Look what the tooth
fairy left me last night!
20
00:01:26,573 --> 00:01:28,230
-Two dollars!
-No way!
21
00:01:28,241 --> 00:01:30,275
-For one tooth?
-For one tooth.
22
00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:32,454
Dude, every time I lost a
tooth I only got a quarter.
23
00:01:32,489 --> 00:01:33,750
I only got a jar of gifelte fish.
24
00:01:33,785 --> 00:01:37,390
Well, that doesn't matter, because
I have an idea that is totally tits.
25
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:39,903
�Totally what?
26
00:01:39,938 --> 00:01:41,999
Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me.
27
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,479
Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know, but if we all chip in with teeth,
28
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,696
then I can hide them under my pillow and we could get enough money to buy a Sega Dreamcast.
29
00:01:48,811 --> 00:01:49,956
Sega Dreamcast??
30
00:01:49,991 --> 00:01:51,410
All we need is teeth.
31
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,000
I already lost all my baby teeth.
32
00:01:53,035 --> 00:01:53,997
Me too.
33
00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:55,888
(Nuh-uh.)
34
00:01:55,889 --> 00:01:57,190
You still have baby teeth, Kenny?
35
00:01:57,225 --> 00:01:57,984
(No way!)
36
00:01:58,019 --> 00:02:00,915
Kenny, think about it. Don't
you want a Sega Dreamcast?
37
00:02:00,950 --> 00:02:03,172
(No I don't! Thank you.)
38
00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:05,526
Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!
39
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,830
Okay, the string is tied to
Kenny's tooth. You ready over there?
40
00:02:10,865 --> 00:02:12,699
Almost. You ready, Timmy?
41
00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:13,524
Timmiihh!
42
00:02:13,559 --> 00:02:16,904
When I say "go," you slam your electric
wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?
43
00:02:16,939 --> 00:02:18,700
Timmiihh!
-Right. You're Timmy.
44
00:02:19,017 --> 00:02:20,019
Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!
45
00:02:20,054 --> 00:02:21,365
(Why the fuck does it
have to be my tooth?)
46
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,284
"I'll tell you why it has to be you, Kenny: because your family is poor,
47
00:02:24,285 --> 00:02:27,670
...and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway.
48
00:02:27,671 --> 00:02:29,553
If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us.
49
00:02:29,554 --> 00:02:32,086
"Oh, thank you, guys." You're welcome, Kenny."
50
00:02:32,121 --> 00:02:32,829
(Fuck you!)
51
00:02:32,864 --> 00:02:33,826
Alright! Get ready, Timmy.
52
00:02:34,591 --> 00:02:36,384
Heh-hey guys, uh,
wu-what are you doin'?
53
00:02:36,419 --> 00:02:37,849
What does it look like we're doing, Butters?
54
00:02:37,850 --> 00:02:40,263
We need a tooth, so we're using Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of Kenny's.
55
00:02:40,298 --> 00:02:42,297
Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here.
56
00:02:42,332 --> 00:02:43,094
You what?
57
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:43,774
(You what?)
58
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,517
Yyep. Oo-one of mine came
out not two hours ago.
59
00:02:46,552 --> 00:02:48,322
Uh, Butters, could we have it?
60
00:02:48,357 --> 00:02:50,479
Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it.
61
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,420
Why, I'm gonna stick it under- my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy.
62
00:02:53,421 --> 00:02:55,527
She gives me fifty cents a tooth.
63
00:02:55,665 --> 00:02:56,794
Well, uh, see ya, fellas.
64
00:02:57,001 --> 00:02:59,260
Dude, maybe we don't have to
rip a tooth out of Kenny's mouth.
65
00:02:59,295 --> 00:03:00,764
Yeah, we just have
to get Butters' tooth.
66
00:03:00,799 --> 00:03:01,361
(Woohoo!)
67
00:03:01,396 --> 00:03:02,382
How are we gonna get it from him?
68
00:03:02,417 --> 00:03:04,830
I guess we'll have to sneak into his
house after he goes to sleep tonight.
69
00:03:04,865 --> 00:03:05,515
Yeah, let's go.
70
00:03:05,550 --> 00:03:07,130
Go! Timmy go! Yeah, Timmy!
71
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,258
No, Timmy, wait!
72
00:03:10,259 --> 00:03:11,490
Engh go uh Timmy!
73
00:03:17,353 --> 00:03:19,938
Hey, you guys, I can
see Kenny's pengling.
74
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:32,960
Higher, you guys.
75
00:03:33,462 --> 00:03:36,027
Jesus Christ, why did we pick
the fat guy to lift up in there?
76
00:03:36,062 --> 00:03:37,953
Agh! Careful, you assholes!
77
00:03:39,126 --> 00:03:40,887
To the left, you guys, left.
78
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,122
No, camera left, camera left!
79
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,541
That's it, now down.
80
00:03:45,134 --> 00:03:47,544
What the-? Who's there? Who is that?!
81
00:03:47,579 --> 00:03:50,941
I am the tooth fairy, my child.
82
00:03:50,976 --> 00:03:55,337
Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean to
gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, see?
83
00:03:55,372 --> 00:03:59,007
Sure. Now I will leave you
tidings under your pillow.
84
00:04:03,191 --> 00:04:05,441
Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't
think you'd be so fat.
85
00:04:05,442 --> 00:04:07,241
-Hey!
-Come on, fatass!
86
00:04:07,276 --> 00:04:15,202
Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts. Square in the nuts.
87
00:04:15,237 --> 00:04:16,459
Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!
88
00:04:16,494 --> 00:04:18,757
-Well?
-Bull's eye!
89
00:04:19,164 --> 00:04:23,076
Tucky tucky time, it's
the best time of the night.
90
00:04:23,111 --> 00:04:25,109
I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.
91
00:04:25,144 --> 00:04:28,379
No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her
throat. I have to work tonight.
92
00:04:28,414 --> 00:04:28,998
Okay.
93
00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,356
Good night.
94
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,632
What do you have there, Eric?
95
00:04:32,699 --> 00:04:34,748
Another tooth fell out today; I'm
leavin' it for the tooth fairy.
96
00:04:34,783 --> 00:04:40,182
Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to give you a big surprise for losing two teeth in two days.
97
00:04:40,217 --> 00:04:41,096
I know, huh?
98
00:04:42,423 --> 00:04:44,881
You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe it!
99
00:04:44,882 --> 00:04:47,516
It's beyond rational thought, you guys! Holy crap, you guys! I mean-
100
00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:49,562
-Did the tooth fairy come?
-Four dollars.
101
00:04:49,563 --> 00:04:50,437
(Oh, my God!)
102
00:04:50,438 --> 00:04:51,898
Do you what this means?
103
00:04:51,899 --> 00:04:54,701
Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth
and putting them under your pillow.
104
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:57,795
Dentist office.
105
00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:01,213
Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts?
It's Ms. Cartman.
106
00:05:01,248 --> 00:05:03,467
Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman.
What can I do for you?
107
00:05:03,502 --> 00:05:08,298
Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of his
baby teeth, and I was starting to get worried.
108
00:05:08,333 --> 00:05:12,520
Well, losing baby teeth is a natural
thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he lost?
109
00:05:12,555 --> 00:05:14,182
About a hundred and twelve.
110
00:05:15,885 --> 00:05:17,489
�A hundred and twelve.
111
00:05:17,524 --> 00:05:21,393
Yes. Fifteen of them in one night.
Perhaps he should switch toothpaste?
112
00:05:21,938 --> 00:05:25,215
Your son wouldn't happen to be an "alligator," would he?
113
00:05:25,216 --> 00:05:29,156
No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now.
114
00:05:29,157 --> 00:05:33,995
The American Dental Association convention is this week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll look into it.
115
00:05:34,025 --> 00:05:36,369
O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week.
116
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,277
What?
117
00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:43,684
Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
118
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:44,477
Yes, Eric
119
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,943
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring
me money last night! Call the police!
120
00:05:46,978 --> 00:05:51,053
Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you.
121
00:05:51,054 --> 00:05:56,050
It's just that- well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric.
122
00:05:56,051 --> 00:06:00,106
I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you got so many teeth fall out,
123
00:06:00,107 --> 00:06:03,558
I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
124
00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:09,639
You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy."
125
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,022
I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either,
126
00:06:17,194 --> 00:06:18,142
M- Mom?s
127
00:06:18,143 --> 00:06:21,656
I'm sorry, Eric. All children
find out sooner or later.
128
00:06:22,421 --> 00:06:24,576
Yi- you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
129
00:06:24,611 --> 00:06:26,115
No, honey. It's just-
130
00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:28,738
How could-? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
131
00:06:28,773 --> 00:06:31,621
Oh, Eric, it's just
part of being a child.
132
00:06:31,656 --> 00:06:35,241
How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother?
133
00:06:35,242 --> 00:06:39,555
I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
134
00:06:40,276 --> 00:06:42,599
Myself and Willikins Bear, of course.
135
00:06:42,631 --> 00:06:43,895
Eric! Eric, wait!
136
00:06:43,930 --> 00:06:45,678
No, Mother! No more lies!
137
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,205
Dude, where's the money?
138
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:52,980
-There is no money.
-No more money??
139
00:06:53,015 --> 00:06:55,878
What are you talking about, Cartman?!
We're only $167 away from gettin' a Sega!
140
00:06:55,913 --> 00:06:58,016
-I know!
-Cartman, what's going on?!
141
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,507
You guys�
142
00:07:01,336 --> 00:07:03,361
Oh, God, I don't even know how to tell you this.
143
00:07:03,412 --> 00:07:04,209
Tell us what?!
144
00:07:04,244 --> 00:07:07,194
You guys, there's� there's no tooth
fairy, you guys. There, I said it.
145
00:07:08,081 --> 00:07:09,797
What do you mean,
"there's no tooth fairy?"
146
00:07:09,832 --> 00:07:13,447
My mom has been giving me the money all this time, and your parents are the ones who left you money.
147
00:07:13,482 --> 00:07:14,260
Dude.
148
00:07:14,295 --> 00:07:16,337
That can't be. My parents
wouldn't lie to me.
149
00:07:16,372 --> 00:07:20,052
But now my mom has given us so much money that she's bankrupt, and we're poor, like Kenny.
150
00:07:20,561 --> 00:07:21,480
Don't touch me, Kenny.
151
00:07:21,481 --> 00:07:24,245
You're wrong. If my dad says
something is real, then it's real!
152
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,131
Kyle, open your eyes, man!
153
00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:26,980
It's not true!
154
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,265
Oh, hello, son.
155
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:33,189
Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
156
00:07:33,224 --> 00:07:36,318
What? Oh. Kyle, let's
have a little talk.
157
00:07:36,353 --> 00:07:38,183
Oh my God! You did lie to me.
158
00:07:38,218 --> 00:07:41,569
No. Kyle, she's just
make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
159
00:07:41,604 --> 00:07:43,165
Peter Pan, too??
160
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:43,887
Kyle�
161
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,430
What about Moses and Abraham?
162
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,816
Well, they were probably real.
163
00:07:46,851 --> 00:07:48,562
Probably?! Is Atlantis real??
164
00:07:48,597 --> 00:07:49,844
Probably not.
165
00:07:49,944 --> 00:07:52,835
Look, Kyle, adults make up those
things because they're fun for children.
166
00:07:52,870 --> 00:07:57,470
Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore!
167
00:08:00,602 --> 00:08:03,841
Man, I can't believe all our parents
lied to us about the tooth fairy.
168
00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,172
What about Dan Rather?
Do you think he's real?
169
00:08:06,207 --> 00:08:07,917
No, man, that's just a TV show.
170
00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:09,724
You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
171
00:08:09,759 --> 00:08:11,283
What? That your parents
lied to you, too?
172
00:08:11,318 --> 00:08:14,004
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can
still get our Sega Dreamcast!
173
00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:14,630
How?
174
00:08:14,665 --> 00:08:16,223
Look, the tooth fairy
is all made up, right?
175
00:08:16,258 --> 00:08:18,246
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
176
00:08:18,281 --> 00:08:21,310
So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house,
177
00:08:21,311 --> 00:08:24,918
...put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money,
178
00:08:24,919 --> 00:08:26,511
...and then sneak back in and take it!
179
00:08:27,066 --> 00:08:28,466
The kid will never even know.
180
00:08:28,501 --> 00:08:32,480
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that
is big fat Oprah tits right there!
181
00:08:32,515 --> 00:08:34,132
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
182
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:36,535
We can take the bus to the city.
There's super-rich people down there!
183
00:08:36,833 --> 00:08:38,888
I mean, what if I'm just
part of my parents' reality?
184
00:08:38,923 --> 00:08:39,592
Come on, Kyle!
185
00:08:39,627 --> 00:08:41,953
What if this is all
just somebody's dream?
186
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,916
Wow, look at the size of these houses!
187
00:08:50,951 --> 00:08:53,219
Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest part of Denver.
188
00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:55,669
I'll bet these kids get at least ten bucks a tooth from the "Tooth Fairy."
189
00:08:55,670 --> 00:08:58,364
Hey, that house looks perfect.
There's obviously kids living there.
190
00:08:59,333 --> 00:09:01,833
Here. You can tell this is the kid's window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it.
191
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:04,916
Cartman, once you're in the kid's room, leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out.
192
00:09:04,917 --> 00:09:07,728
We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money, then swing you back in the house to grab it.
193
00:09:07,729 --> 00:09:09,088
Got it.
194
00:09:09,123 --> 00:09:10,973
This is the smartest
business venture ever.
195
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:14,937
What the-?
196
00:09:16,644 --> 00:09:18,066
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!
197
00:09:18,101 --> 00:09:20,492
We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow,
198
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,317
...then come back and collect the tooth fairy money that his parents leave him.
199
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:25,850
�Hey, you can't do that!
200
00:09:25,885 --> 00:09:26,478
Why not?!
201
00:09:26,513 --> 00:09:27,617
Because that's what we're doing!
202
00:09:27,652 --> 00:09:29,010
Yeah! You ripped off our idea!
203
00:09:29,045 --> 00:09:32,017
What the hell are you talking about?!
We've been doing this for over two years!
204
00:09:32,052 --> 00:09:32,757
Two years?
205
00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:36,000
Nice tooth fairy costume. You think
anybody'd believe you in that?!
206
00:09:36,035 --> 00:09:39,092
It's better than your dress! You look
like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
207
00:09:39,127 --> 00:09:39,932
How dare you!
208
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,470
Look, this is our turf! You'd better
scram before the Boss breaks your legs!
209
00:09:45,505 --> 00:09:47,012
You scram! We were here first!
210
00:09:47,047 --> 00:09:49,358
What's going on? Oh!
It's the tooth fairies!
211
00:09:49,393 --> 00:09:51,342
Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up!
212
00:09:51,377 --> 00:09:52,074
You woke him up!
213
00:09:52,109 --> 00:09:54,558
I don't have any loose teeth, Miss
Fairies but I have been a very good boy.
214
00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:55,224
Shut up!
215
00:09:55,259 --> 00:09:58,004
Alright, that does it! Come
on, we're going to see the Boss!
216
00:09:58,039 --> 00:09:58,976
Who's the Boss?
217
00:09:59,234 --> 00:10:00,340
Loogie.
218
00:10:02,045 --> 00:10:05,742
My associates here tell me you were
working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that true?
219
00:10:05,777 --> 00:10:06,814
Uuh, yeah.
220
00:10:06,849 --> 00:10:09,766
Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever seen that kind of disre- Erp.
221
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:10,974
We were there first!
222
00:10:11,009 --> 00:10:13,541
Kids have been doing the tooth fairy racket in this town for years.
223
00:10:13,542 --> 00:10:17,382
I do it just like my big brother before me, and my oldest brother before that.
224
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,826
Damnit! And we thought
we were so original!
225
00:10:18,861 --> 00:10:23,298
Let me ask you something: You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow? Then what?
226
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,882
Well, uh-what do you mean?
227
00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:28,503
How are the kid's parents gonna know there
was a tooth under their child's pillow?
228
00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:32,371
Ha! You guys don't even know
how the tooth trade works!
229
00:10:32,406 --> 00:10:33,762
What's a "tooth trade?"
230
00:10:33,797 --> 00:10:36,711
Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window wearing a pretty dress.
231
00:10:36,712 --> 00:10:38,516
The tooth racket is much more involved.
232
00:10:38,517 --> 00:10:43,123
We keep careful track of what houses we've hit so that we don't hit the same one twice in less than two months.
233
00:10:43,124 --> 00:10:47,982
Inside the house we not only have to sneak a tooth under the pillow, but leave a note for Mom and Dad to see.
234
00:10:48,017 --> 00:10:51,667
This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the pillow.
235
00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:56,466
Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, going back to the first house.
236
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:59,895
But this time, all we have to do is collect money.
237
00:10:59,896 --> 00:11:02,134
And the kids never know what hit 'em.
238
00:11:02,169 --> 00:11:03,128
Wow!
239
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,666
The hardest part is getting teeth. We tried various places.
240
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:07,999
Cemeteries...
241
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,502
...hockey games...
242
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,600
Anywhere we can find them.
243
00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:14,017
Nooo!
244
00:11:14,052 --> 00:11:17,693
The teeth we do manage to acquire are then sorted according to size, color, and quality.
245
00:11:17,694 --> 00:11:20,945
But there's never enough teeth. Never enough.
246
00:11:21,436 --> 00:11:22,452
Amazing.
247
00:11:22,487 --> 00:11:23,928
Man, that is tits!
248
00:11:23,963 --> 00:11:28,321
And now my only problem
is, what do I do with you?
249
00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:33,131
Tell you what: how would you like to
run the South Park tooth racket for me?
250
00:11:33,166 --> 00:11:34,890
Oh. Uh-I don't know.
251
00:11:34,925 --> 00:11:37,197
It's that, or else I
can cut off your penises.
252
00:11:37,232 --> 00:11:41,414
Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut off.
253
00:11:41,415 --> 00:11:43,766
Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hm's see�
254
00:11:43,768 --> 00:11:44,789
Cartman!
255
00:11:44,824 --> 00:11:46,031
How much do we get if we work for you?
256
00:11:46,066 --> 00:11:47,333
I'll cut you in at 2%.
257
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,000
Two percent, have my penis
cut off. Two percent-
258
00:11:51,035 --> 00:11:51,854
We're in!
259
00:11:53,210 --> 00:11:59,606
Fellow dentists: As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country.
260
00:11:59,607 --> 00:12:02,380
There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money.
261
00:12:02,381 --> 00:12:07,331
We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this.
262
00:12:09,753 --> 00:12:12,542
A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel
263
00:12:12,543 --> 00:12:18,189
...that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest
264
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:21,486
...for its genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring!
265
00:12:21,487 --> 00:12:26,990
We believe also that this creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra , and that it-
266
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,672
Uh, excuse me? I think I
have a more logical theory.
267
00:12:32,615 --> 00:12:35,945
Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley, enlighten us!
268
00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:39,286
I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket.
269
00:12:39,287 --> 00:12:43,172
Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit.
270
00:12:47,496 --> 00:12:51,244
Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize
how ridiculous that sounds.
271
00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:54,631
It's not ridiculous. It's very
possible. I've seen it happen before.
272
00:12:54,666 --> 00:12:55,289
Where?!
273
00:12:55,324 --> 00:12:56,275
In Montreal.
274
00:12:59,099 --> 00:13:02,997
And where, pray, is
this "Montreal"?!
275
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,801
Look, I know how to handle this.
276
00:13:04,802 --> 00:13:07,710
All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall.
277
00:13:07,711 --> 00:13:11,064
You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
278
00:13:11,222 --> 00:13:13,371
Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley,
279
00:13:13,372 --> 00:13:18,906
you go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile, we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
280
00:13:18,907 --> 00:13:20,000
Well, I will!
281
00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:27,763
Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel would most likely be about three to four-and-a-half
feet tall.
282
00:13:27,764 --> 00:13:31,502
His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device.
283
00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:35,738
Here! Here, over here, look! Look what I got- I got from the chef!
284
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,306
Hello there, children.
285
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,172
Hey, Chef.
286
00:13:43,207 --> 00:13:44,796
We all want double-desserts today!
287
00:13:44,831 --> 00:13:48,261
Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that
the school charges extra for that.
288
00:13:48,296 --> 00:13:49,935
Yeah? Well, that ain't
nothin' but a thang.
289
00:13:49,970 --> 00:13:53,960
Oh my God! There has got to be
at least fifteen dollars here!
290
00:13:53,995 --> 00:13:55,525
That's right. Keep the change, my man.
291
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,158
Well! Look at you cute little crackers!
292
00:13:58,159 --> 00:14:03,024
With your money and your fancy clothes and your cell phones, it's almost like you were-
293
00:14:03,477 --> 00:14:07,030
Oh my God, children! What have I told you about drugs?!
294
00:14:07,106 --> 00:14:10,305
That there's a time and a place for
everything, and it's called "college."
295
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:14,131
That's right. And the only thing worse than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs!
296
00:14:14,132 --> 00:14:18,011
I'm gonna tell you about when I was your age and got offered drugs.
297
00:14:20,465 --> 00:14:21,406
Ooo, come on, now.
298
00:14:21,441 --> 00:14:23,282
Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?
299
00:14:23,317 --> 00:14:23,978
What?
300
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:25,737
Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?
301
00:14:25,772 --> 00:14:28,856
Hey, man, I don't need dope.
Let me sing you a little song:
302
00:14:28,891 --> 00:14:31,074
I can't wait until I grow up
303
00:14:31,109 --> 00:14:32,834
and my weenie get and strong
304
00:14:32,869 --> 00:14:35,093
Cause when it does I'm gonna bust
305
00:14:35,128 --> 00:14:36,885
And make love to Amanda all night long
306
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,324
I'm gonna make love to
Amanda in about ten years!
307
00:14:40,359 --> 00:14:42,057
-What?
-What the hell is he talking about?
308
00:14:41,871 --> 00:14:44,078
And that toothpick is gonna
turn into an oak tree,�
309
00:14:44,113 --> 00:14:44,994
U-uh, Chef.
310
00:14:45,029 --> 00:14:46,264
I'ma knock you down, knock you up,�
311
00:14:46,299 --> 00:14:46,935
Chef!
312
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,040
�knock you over, and
knock you all around.
313
00:14:48,075 --> 00:14:49,209
-CHEF!
-Uh?
314
00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:50,241
We're not dealing drugs!
315
00:14:50,276 --> 00:14:51,538
-You're not?
-No!
316
00:14:51,573 --> 00:14:54,866
Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're doin', just remember this:
317
00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:57,414
Havin' money may seem fun, but�
318
00:14:59,341 --> 00:15:00,999
Ooh, uh-oh, never mind.
319
00:15:01,096 --> 00:15:02,401
-Thanks, Chef.
-See ya.
320
00:15:02,436 --> 00:15:05,459
Damn, that little Amanda was
fine! I'm gonna look her up.
321
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,512
Dude, having this much money is
great! Working for Loogie rules!
322
00:15:09,547 --> 00:15:12,295
Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie?
323
00:15:12,296 --> 00:15:15,507
We know how the trade works: why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profit?
324
00:15:15,568 --> 00:15:17,461
We can't do that, dude.
Loogie will kick our asses.
325
00:15:17,496 --> 00:15:19,675
Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack gonna do, huh?
326
00:15:19,676 --> 00:15:23,128
Come on, you guys. I say we create our own mob crime family!
327
00:15:23,198 --> 00:15:26,732
Dude, this book says there could be infinite
alternate realities to every reality.
328
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:27,885
Sure, Kyle.
329
00:15:29,611 --> 00:15:33,027
They're what?! They're not gonna pay me? Who the hell do they think they are?
330
00:15:33,028 --> 00:15:36,439
I want those South Park kids dead! I want their families dead!
331
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,176
I want their houses burned to the ground!
332
00:15:38,177 --> 00:15:41,639
Oh, hi there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are out front, if you need 'em.
333
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,305
Let's cut the crap, kid.
334
00:15:43,306 --> 00:15:47,004
My name is Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental Association.
335
00:15:47,643 --> 00:15:50,582
Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do
you want some spaghetti?
336
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:55,538
No thanks, I just brushed. I just
wanted to let you know that I'm onto you.
337
00:15:55,573 --> 00:15:57,992
I told the ADA a thousand times: I know nothing about teeth.
338
00:15:57,993 --> 00:16:00,999
I'm just an 8-year-old boy who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.
339
00:16:01,076 --> 00:16:03,071
I am going to find out who the boss is!
340
00:16:03,072 --> 00:16:07,697
And when I do I'm gonna bust his ass and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass!
341
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,831
So, you've brought me 400
lbs. of teeth from China.
342
00:16:15,866 --> 00:16:17,645
That's right, yeah . It's all top-grade stuff, too.
343
00:16:17,646 --> 00:16:19,541
These Chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see?
344
00:16:19,576 --> 00:16:20,514
How much?
345
00:16:20,515 --> 00:16:23,802
Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, buh.
346
00:16:23,803 --> 00:16:25,478
Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh?
347
00:16:25,513 --> 00:16:27,050
Can I ask you a question, Weasel?
348
00:16:27,085 --> 00:16:28,298
Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.
349
00:16:28,886 --> 00:16:30,344
Do you think I'm an idiot?
350
00:16:30,379 --> 00:16:31,085
Huh?
351
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,770
These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch! You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat teeth?!
352
00:16:35,198 --> 00:16:37,918
Get out of my sight! Lousy little scum!
353
00:16:38,282 --> 00:16:39,252
What?!
354
00:16:39,253 --> 00:16:40,317
This is your last chance, kid!
355
00:16:40,318 --> 00:16:44,777
Either you give the boss his cut, or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river wearing concrete galoshes!
356
00:16:44,812 --> 00:16:47,254
I ain't giving you crap!
Kenny's not afraid of you!
357
00:16:47,843 --> 00:16:52,919
Oh my God, this book says that negative and positive are the same thing; that real and not real are one.
358
00:16:52,954 --> 00:16:55,058
-He's not gonna do it?!
-(He's not gonna do it?!)
359
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:56,256
He's not gonna do it, boss!
360
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:57,503
Well then, throw him in.
361
00:16:58,230 --> 00:17:00,188
Alright, kid. Time to die.
362
00:17:00,223 --> 00:17:02,877
(No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!)
363
00:17:06,472 --> 00:17:08,593
Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?
364
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:11,822
�to which Ms. Clinton replied, "I don't even like Vagina."
365
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:15,282
Finally tonight, a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is live.
366
00:17:15,443 --> 00:17:18,414
Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house of little Billy Circlovich,
367
00:17:18,415 --> 00:17:22,856
Billy is in desperate need of a bone-marrow transplant or he will most certainly die.
368
00:17:22,857 --> 00:17:25,732
Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant?
369
00:17:25,758 --> 00:17:28,449
-Sih, six hundred dollar
-Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!
370
00:17:28,450 --> 00:17:29,359
Duh six hundred dohollars.
371
00:17:29,394 --> 00:17:33,330
Well, that's a lot of money.How the hell are you gonna get all that in the short amount of time you have left?
372
00:17:33,331 --> 00:17:34,302
Well, I a-I don't know.
373
00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:36,541
Well, Billy, I also understand
that you lost a tooth today.
374
00:17:36,576 --> 00:17:37,158
Yehahah.
375
00:17:37,193 --> 00:17:39,644
Billy, we want you to put that tooth under your pillow tonight,
376
00:17:39,645 --> 00:17:45,110
because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy is going to leave you six hundred dollars for it!
377
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:46,247
-Really?
-Really?
378
00:17:46,248 --> 00:17:48,184
Yes, really. Six hundred dollars.
379
00:17:48,185 --> 00:17:53,045
I might also mention that Billy lives in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho Road on Emporia Street. Back to you, Tom.
380
00:17:53,869 --> 00:17:55,014
How was that?
381
00:17:55,322 --> 00:17:57,584
Perfect. The trap is set.
382
00:17:57,619 --> 00:18:00,810
Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone
will fall for somethin' that stupid?
383
00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:05,164
Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come on, get
your stuff together! This is gonna be tits!
384
00:18:05,199 --> 00:18:08,911
Dude, this book says I don't exist
unless I think I do. But what if I don't?
385
00:18:08,946 --> 00:18:10,596
Will somebody take those
books away from him?
386
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,514
Be sure to put your loose
tooth under your pillow, Billy.
387
00:18:15,549 --> 00:18:16,365
Okay-y, Mom.
388
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,474
Thank you for helping out, gentlemen.
389
00:18:22,475 --> 00:18:26,836
If this sting operation works, some bogus tooth fairies should be showing up to take the sick kid's money.
390
00:18:26,837 --> 00:18:30,424
When they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm will sound, and that's when you hit the button, Murphy,
391
00:18:30,425 --> 00:18:32,085
..and activate the lights.
Everybody got it?
392
00:18:32,086 --> 00:18:35,587
-Got it.
-Duuuh, which button do I hit again, boss?
393
00:18:37,193 --> 00:18:40,810
Just kidding. You know how there's always the dumb guy in sting operations in the movies?
394
00:18:40,811 --> 00:18:44,090
I was, you know I was actin', I was actin' like him, eheh, oh.
395
00:18:44,766 --> 00:18:47,880
Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get that sick kid's tooth fairy money before Loogie does.
396
00:18:47,915 --> 00:18:52,121
I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean, all the stuff
I've been reading; I really don't think I exist!s
397
00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:53,468
Dude, just stop thinking about it.
398
00:18:53,503 --> 00:18:57,025
But I can't, because, what if thinking about it is the only thing keeping my space-time together?
399
00:18:57,060 --> 00:18:58,891
(You guys! You guys, over here! �Hey!)
400
00:18:58,926 --> 00:19:02,021
Sometimes I think I can see time slowing
down, and my own existence fading.
401
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,490
G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.
402
00:19:04,525 --> 00:19:06,325
Alright. Everyone,
keep your eyes peeled.
403
00:19:08,237 --> 00:19:10,813
I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my tooth under the pillow.
404
00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:13,113
Do you really think the tooth fairy will give me money for the transplant?
405
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,014
I think so, Billy. I think so.
406
00:19:15,049 --> 00:19:17,049
Well, I can't wait to feel
healthy and strong again.
407
00:19:17,084 --> 00:19:21,032
Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 600 bucks is mine!
408
00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:24,172
Light is a wave unless it's observed? That means all matter is just a wave.
409
00:19:25,828 --> 00:19:29,235
Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh God, it's happening!
410
00:19:30,796 --> 00:19:31,720
Kyle?
411
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:34,348
Eh something strange is
happening with the computers.
412
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,762
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
413
00:19:38,569 --> 00:19:39,980
Aw, shit.
414
00:19:40,015 --> 00:19:42,258
Did you bastards really think you could hide from me forever?
415
00:19:42,259 --> 00:19:44,969
Kolovski , put this buttwipe out of his misery.
416
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,291
I got it!
417
00:19:46,326 --> 00:19:47,167
The tooth fairy!
418
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,086
Let's move out!
419
00:19:49,919 --> 00:19:50,853
Aw, crap!
420
00:19:50,888 --> 00:19:53,457
Give it up, kids. You're
surrounded by dentists.
421
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:54,386
It was a trap!
422
00:19:54,421 --> 00:19:57,087
That's right. And now it's all exposed! You're through!
423
00:19:57,088 --> 00:20:00,239
The only thing left to do is to haul all you kids down to prison!
424
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:04,384
This is reality! I am
everywhere , and nowhere.
425
00:20:04,738 --> 00:20:05,774
What the hell?
426
00:20:05,809 --> 00:20:06,546
Kyle?
427
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:09,541
I am nothing, and everything.
428
00:20:22,323 --> 00:20:23,490
Well, I told you!
429
00:20:27,197 --> 00:20:28,479
Let's get outta here!
430
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,664
Hunh. That was pretty weird.
431
00:20:37,056 --> 00:20:41,261
Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup
all along! How could I be so stupid?!
432
00:20:41,296 --> 00:20:41,945
What?
433
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:45,130
I can't believe I fell for such an obvious
trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
434
00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:47,389
Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard, dude, uh.
435
00:20:47,390 --> 00:20:50,662
That's what grown-ups do.They lie. Lie right to your face.
436
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,825
Oh well. Maybe it's good
my empire has fallen.
437
00:20:52,826 --> 00:20:53,674
Really?
438
00:20:53,709 --> 00:20:56,396
Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the
flag football team this year anyways.
439
00:20:56,431 --> 00:20:57,544
So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
440
00:20:57,579 --> 00:21:00,087
Naah. In a way, I'm just glad
the whole thing's over with.
441
00:21:00,122 --> 00:21:02,281
Yeah. But you know, I've learned something today.
442
00:21:02,282 --> 00:21:05,609
You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself.
443
00:21:05,610 --> 00:21:10,488
What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage.
444
00:21:10,489 --> 00:21:14,708
But our conscioousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
445
00:21:16,695 --> 00:21:17,894
�Tits.
446
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,216
Timmy!