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Season 13 Episode 8
"Dead Celebrities"
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You have been very, very naughty.
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You're a naughty girl.
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I've been so naughty.
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Jeez!
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What the...
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Get back to bed right now.
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I'm scared.
There's a ghost.
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Not this again.
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We're sick of you
talking about ghosts.
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- But, daddy...
- No buts.
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Get back to your room
and don't come out. You got it?
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Gerald, what has gotten into him?
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I don't know.
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Maybe with all the famous people
dying this summer,
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he freaked himself out.
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Billy Mays here
for Mega Scrub cleanser.
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Are you tired of your kitchen counters
getting those nasty stains?
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Don't just rub them, megascrub them.
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Billy Mays!
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Mold, mildew,
even those impossible wine stains
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are gone in a flash
when you snipe them away.
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Mommy!
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Farrah Fawcett!
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David Carradine!
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Billy Mays here for Mighty MendIt.
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The fast and easy way
to mend, hem and wear it again.
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- Ike, what?
- Make Billy Mays go away!
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Make Billy Mays go away.
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Make him stop.
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Make him stop, Kyle!
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Ike, your family
is very worried about you.
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Ike, you can talk to me.
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I'm a therapist.
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Whatever has been troubling you,
it's okay.
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It's a secret.
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Tell me your secret.
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I promise not to tell anyone else.
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I see dead celebrities.
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You mean you see
dead celebrities on TV in the news?
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I see them walking around.
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They talk to me.
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Are you seeing
any dead celebrities right now?
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Just Ed McMahon.
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How often do you see
dead celebrities?
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All the time.
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Sup, Jew.
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Guys, Ike has gotten worse.
I'm really worried about him.
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He's still seeing dead celebrities.
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What a dumb ass.
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I don't know. Last night,
We found him in the kitchen pantry.
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He was screaming
the name Billy Mays over and over.
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Billy Mays?
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You didn't tell us
Ike was seeing Billy Mays.
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- What?
- He saw the ghost of Billy Mays?
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I don't know who that is.
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The guy on TV who had
incredible things for people buy.
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He died four months ago,
but they still show him all the time.
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For the love of Christ.
Here.
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Here.
This is him.
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Billy Mays here
with another fantastic product.
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If you're like other Americans,
you love to eat Chipotle.
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But you hate all those blood stains
in your underwear.
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I love Chipotle.
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But getting all the blood stains
out of my underwear is a nightmare.
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Now there's a product
that can clean blood stains
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caused by Chipotle
off your underwear.
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Chipotlaway.
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Just one Chipotle burrito
can leave up to a 1/4 cup of blood.
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But Chipotlaway makes your underwear
clean and ready for more.
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Stop buying new underwear
every time you eat Chipotle.
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That can cost you thousands.
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Chipotlaway gets rid of blood stains
and leaves your underway good as new.
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Imagine having underwear so clean
you can eat off of it.
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Chipotle.
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Now you can eat
all the Chipotle you want
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and still have underway
that sparkles and shines.
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Order right now!
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That product changed my life.
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It works.
I use it all the time.
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- What? Are you serious?
- Look, Kyle.
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If there's a chance
he isn't at rest, I want to help.
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Why the hell would you do that?
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He was a great person.
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Why would you keep eating something
that made you crap blood?
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Dude, have you had Chipotle?
It's really good.
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We have to help Kyle's brother
and get to the bottom of this.
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I know just who to call.
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On this episode of Ghost Hunters,
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a little boy in Colorado
appears to be haunted by celebrities.
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The Ghost Hunter team will roll out
and get to the bottom of it.
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It's the gayest show
in the fucking world.
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Ghost Hunters!
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All right.
What we have this week, Chris?
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We're going to Colorado
to investigate celebrity paranormal...
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Wait.
What was that?
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I heard it too.
It was like a...
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Is there a ghost here?
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All right.
A little boy is seeing the ghost?
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Apparently only he is seeing them.
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What is that?
Do you hear that?
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Look.
What is that?
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I think that's a cigarette lighter.
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All right.
Okay. Maybe.
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We're now inside the house
where the ghosts have been spotted.
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- What was that?
- What was what?
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Did you hear that?
It was like a...
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Is there a spooky ghost here?
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Look. What is that?
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I'm pretty sure
that's their television.
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Man, I'm really scared.
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What is this?
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There's a wetness
coming from my pants!
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- I see it!
- What is it?
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I'm so scared.
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- I'm so scared.
- Look.
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It's got you, too!
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Make sure
the camera is getting this.
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Definitely paranormal activity.
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It's a warm, moist.
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A warm, moist sensation
that is moving down my left thigh.
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Look, it's starting to form
a pool around the floor now.
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Are you getting this?
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Are you guys fucking serious?
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The paranormal activity
is now leaving
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a trail of some kind
behind both of us.
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Something hot and warm is coming out
the back of my pants now.
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It smells!
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You see, Ike?
There's nothing.
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There's nothing
for you to be afraid of.
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Billy Mays here
for the Big City Slider Station.
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It's all in your head.
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The fast and easy way
to press and cook sliders.
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{\*CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF DENVER}
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I just don't understand it.
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It's going to be all right.
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But it doesn't make any sense.
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I mean, If you know it's going
to make you crap blood,
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why wouldn't you at least
just try eating less of it?
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That's what I'm saying.
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You have the Chipotlaway,
so it doesn't matter.
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Of course, it matters.
You should be concerned
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there's blood in your underwear.
You understand this?
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I eat Chipotle all the time
and never made me crap blood.
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How nice for you, Stan.
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You have a golden rectum of the gods,
but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.
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Boys, little Ike is stable.
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But the celebrity ghosts have sent him
into some kind of coma.
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Wait.
There really are ghosts?
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00:08:49,082 --> 00:08:50,663
Of course there are.
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Haven't you seen
that show Ghost Hunters?
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But I'm a pediatric doctor,
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so I'm going to
and this off to Dr. Phillips,
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who specializes in spooky things.
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The ghost of the celebrities
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are in deep unrest.
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I've never sensed anything like it.
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I believe these celebrity ghosts
are still roaming the world.
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Reaching out, through the child.
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They're lost in purgatory.
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Purgatory?
What's that?
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Sometimes when people die,
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they can't accept
what's happen to them.
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And so,
before they reach the after life,
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they go to a place called
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purgatory.
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It is a temporary plane
of existence.
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It's neither heaven nor hell.
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Purgatory is like,
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being on an airplane
that is waiting to take off.
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But you're still sitting
at the gate.
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And even though
the plane isn't taking off,
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they won't let you
back off the plane.
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And you can't get up
to go to the bathroom.
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Because you're on an active runway.
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All these dead celebrities
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are sitting on that plane,
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waiting and wanting to move on.
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Bur for whatever reason,
they are stuck,
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without any information,
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even from the pilot.
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How much longer it's going to be.
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And it's taking forever.
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They are not serving drinks yet.
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It's like a terrifying limbo.
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My God!
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Poor Billy Mays!
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I am speaking to the celebrities
that are haunting this child.
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If any spirit can hear my voice,
make your presence known.
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00:11:03,774 --> 00:11:06,623
Billy Mays here again
with another fantastic product.
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Billy Mays, it's him!
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Are you tired of having to put
your toilet seat down?
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Yes, I am, Billy Mays.
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Be quite, Billy Mays.
Somebody is trying to contact us.
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To which celebrity
am I addressing now?
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This is Walter Cronkite.
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All you celebrities need to know
that you have passed on.
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00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:28,554
- We know that.
- Of course, we know that.
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00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:31,027
There's only one person here
not cooperating.
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00:11:31,152 --> 00:11:34,454
That's right.
Just admit you're dead and sit down.
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00:11:37,231 --> 00:11:38,528
That's ignorant.
202
00:11:39,278 --> 00:11:40,282
I'm not dead.
203
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You are dead!
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00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:45,351
I just have a skin condition.
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Boys quickly,
convince Michael Jackson he's dead.
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00:11:49,498 --> 00:11:50,961
- What?
- He's in denial.
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00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:52,819
He's been in denial all his life.
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00:11:52,944 --> 00:11:55,464
Tel him or you're going to lose
your little brother.
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00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:58,769
Mr. Jackson, you aren't alive.
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You're in purgatory.
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You being ignorant.
I'm alive.
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00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,942
And I'm a child.
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00:12:07,557 --> 00:12:08,757
And I'm white.
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00:12:09,513 --> 00:12:12,391
Mr. Jackson, please,
you're causing a lot of problems.
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00:12:13,537 --> 00:12:15,783
Billy Mays here
for the Super Sweeper.
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00:12:15,908 --> 00:12:17,194
Shut up, Billy Mays!
217
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,270
You're dead, Mr. Jackson.
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00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:22,157
- That's just ignorant.
- Accept it!
219
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,956
He's in too much denial.
220
00:12:36,664 --> 00:12:37,962
Wake up, buddy.
221
00:12:38,742 --> 00:12:40,217
You got to wake up!
222
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,138
There you go.
That's good!
223
00:12:47,073 --> 00:12:49,019
I thought I lost you,
little brother.
224
00:12:50,093 --> 00:12:51,393
That's ignorant.
225
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,330
Look, everyone.
I told you I was alive.
226
00:12:55,070 --> 00:12:57,036
What are you doing
inside my little brother?
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00:12:57,431 --> 00:12:59,820
I'm a child.
I knew I was a child, see?
228
00:13:00,211 --> 00:13:02,901
Come on, let's play.
Let's go climb a tree.
229
00:13:04,153 --> 00:13:05,210
Come back here!
230
00:13:07,668 --> 00:13:09,282
Come on, let's climb the tree.
231
00:13:10,384 --> 00:13:12,827
Mr. Jackson, you can't do this.
This is not your body.
232
00:13:13,263 --> 00:13:15,208
I'm a little white child.
Let's play.
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00:13:18,877 --> 00:13:21,776
Asshole, you're keeping
a lot of celebrities in purgatory.
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Including the late
and talented Billy Mays.
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00:13:24,340 --> 00:13:25,698
It's ignorant!
236
00:13:25,823 --> 00:13:28,449
People lie
and spread rumors about me.
237
00:13:28,789 --> 00:13:31,708
Like that I'm dead.
How could I do this if I was dead?
238
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:37,965
What are we going to do?
239
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,610
Come on, this is ridiculous.
240
00:13:45,735 --> 00:13:48,168
How much longer
do we have to sit in purgatory?
241
00:13:48,293 --> 00:13:51,079
- Come on!
- This is ridiculous!
242
00:13:51,437 --> 00:13:53,998
Ladies and gentlemen,
we thank you for your patience.
243
00:13:54,123 --> 00:13:55,889
I've been informed we are delayed
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00:13:56,014 --> 00:13:58,253
at least another 96 hours.
245
00:14:00,802 --> 00:14:03,049
You can't
keep people stuck like this.
246
00:14:03,336 --> 00:14:05,910
We know you want
to cross over to the next plane
247
00:14:06,035 --> 00:14:07,554
but for now, you have to stay.
248
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,764
That's it!
I have to go to the bathroom.
249
00:14:10,089 --> 00:14:12,593
Stay in your seat
with your seatbelt fasten.
250
00:14:12,998 --> 00:14:15,522
You've been saying that
for three months now.
251
00:14:16,548 --> 00:14:19,446
Let's see.
Demonic ghosts, animal ghosts.
252
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:22,750
Setting traps for ghosts.
253
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:26,222
Here's the one part
that really makes no sense.
254
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,635
The first time you saw
blood stains on your underwear,
255
00:14:30,889 --> 00:14:32,239
were you alarmed?
256
00:14:33,433 --> 00:14:34,633
Was I alarmed?
257
00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:39,457
- I believe I was.
- So why do you just ignore it
258
00:14:39,582 --> 00:14:41,715
using something
as stupid as Chipotle away?
259
00:14:42,068 --> 00:14:43,200
Chipotlaway.
260
00:14:43,325 --> 00:14:45,661
I'm not the one who uses it.
My mom does.
261
00:14:46,021 --> 00:14:47,301
She does the laundry.
262
00:14:48,838 --> 00:14:51,034
Your mom uses Chipotlaway
263
00:14:51,159 --> 00:14:53,906
to clean blood stains
out of your underwear?
264
00:14:55,254 --> 00:14:57,615
And then takes you to Chipotle
and buys you more?
265
00:14:57,740 --> 00:14:59,147
Yes. It's totally normal.
266
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:01,220
People do this stuff, you know.
267
00:15:01,345 --> 00:15:03,716
Not every one can be the boy
with the golden butt hole.
268
00:15:03,841 --> 00:15:06,083
Here it is.
"Possession by a ghost".
269
00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:09,157
"A ghost that enters
and refuses to leave a living host
270
00:15:09,282 --> 00:15:13,161
because it failed in the living world
to be what it wanted to be."
271
00:15:13,653 --> 00:15:16,558
"The ghost must be allowed
to transform and be recognized
272
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:19,077
by the living
as what it always tried to be."
273
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:21,605
What did Michael Jackson
always try to be?
274
00:15:22,025 --> 00:15:24,130
A child.
And a female.
275
00:15:24,611 --> 00:15:27,112
- And white.
- Look, a planet.
276
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:31,805
He wants to finally be accepted
by the living as a little white girl.
277
00:15:32,096 --> 00:15:34,545
What are we going to do?
Dress him up in a princess gown
278
00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:37,227
and parade him like the parents
of those child pageants?
279
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:44,192
{\*LYNCHBURG WELCOMES
THE TINY MISS PAGEANT!}
280
00:15:44,533 --> 00:15:47,362
First up, we have the beautiful
Miss Jessica.
281
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,298
All right, Jessica.
282
00:15:51,514 --> 00:15:54,005
Jessica enjoys
riding her horse Marley
283
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:56,247
and doing her nails
with her sisters.
284
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:59,499
Next, contestant number 26,
Miss Brandy.
285
00:16:01,854 --> 00:16:03,204
Brandy, work it, girl.
286
00:16:03,784 --> 00:16:07,173
Brandy likes ice cream
and playing with her cat, Sunshine.
287
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,093
Don't forget to blow a kiss
to the judges, Brandy.
288
00:16:15,506 --> 00:16:18,380
And now welcome
contestant number 27,
289
00:16:18,505 --> 00:16:20,604
little Miss Michael Jackson.
290
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,400
- All right, Michael!
- Work it!
291
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:28,346
Michael says
she just enjoys being a child.
292
00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:30,826
She loves to play and climb trees
293
00:16:30,951 --> 00:16:33,333
and thinks people who don't
are ignorant.
294
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:34,688
Ignorant.
295
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,601
God, I hope this works.
296
00:16:39,628 --> 00:16:42,820
Billy Mays here
for the little Country Handy Pillow.
297
00:16:42,945 --> 00:16:45,048
Are you tired of sitting in limbo?
298
00:16:45,173 --> 00:16:47,621
Lost somewhere
between planes of existence?
299
00:16:47,746 --> 00:16:49,174
Now there is a product...
300
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,481
Will somebody
shut his fucking mouth?
301
00:16:51,606 --> 00:16:52,969
I can't take it anymore.
302
00:16:53,251 --> 00:16:55,551
It's bad enough
without having to listen to you
303
00:16:55,676 --> 00:16:57,474
try and sell your stupid crap.
304
00:16:57,767 --> 00:17:00,582
With two easy steps,
I can climb over these seats
305
00:17:00,707 --> 00:17:02,896
and kick you in the fucking balls.
306
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:06,190
That does it
We won't just sit here anymore.
307
00:17:06,315 --> 00:17:07,609
We want answers.
308
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,362
Why isn't anybody
telling us anything?
309
00:17:10,952 --> 00:17:13,665
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
310
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,494
It's about fucking time.
311
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:18,977
Certainly want to thank you
for all your patience.
312
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,222
We know that you're eager to...
313
00:17:21,347 --> 00:17:24,347
get going and we will certainly pass
on any information...
314
00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:26,384
as it becomes...
315
00:17:27,038 --> 00:17:28,229
more available.
316
00:17:29,326 --> 00:17:31,920
Michael Jackson isn't here anymore.
He's gone.
317
00:17:32,045 --> 00:17:33,510
We should move on now.
318
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:37,515
But as we all know,
Mr. Jackson had a lot of baggage.
319
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,868
He checked some of that baggage in.
So the crew has to go through it
320
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:44,062
and get his out of purgatory
before we push back from the gate.
321
00:17:49,342 --> 00:17:51,786
Did I do good
in the swimsuit category?
322
00:17:51,911 --> 00:17:55,198
I was worried that brunette
was prettier than me.
323
00:17:56,289 --> 00:18:00,215
Excuse me. Please do us a favor
and vote for little Miss Jackson.
324
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:01,370
It's important.
325
00:18:01,495 --> 00:18:03,842
It's more important
for my little Kylie.
326
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,966
Just look at this face.
327
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,837
Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants.
328
00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:16,898
All right.
Thank you, Miss Cassie.
329
00:18:17,277 --> 00:18:19,278
Now for her talent portion,
330
00:18:19,403 --> 00:18:22,392
Miss Michael Jackson
is going to sing for us.
331
00:18:24,039 --> 00:18:26,692
I'm just a little girl
332
00:18:27,688 --> 00:18:30,118
A dainty little thing
333
00:18:30,666 --> 00:18:33,329
And I know you all want to be
334
00:18:33,849 --> 00:18:36,439
A little white girl like me
335
00:18:44,877 --> 00:18:46,464
The two male judges love her.
336
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,236
All right.
That's about enough.
337
00:18:52,869 --> 00:18:54,758
- Crap.
- What the eff?
338
00:18:55,523 --> 00:18:56,801
All right, everyone.
339
00:18:57,199 --> 00:18:59,554
The judge will now tally
her final scores.
340
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:03,209
We're totally screwed.
They took the two best judges away.
341
00:19:03,334 --> 00:19:05,163
No way that lady judge
is voting for us.
342
00:19:05,288 --> 00:19:06,902
She's glaring the entire time.
343
00:19:07,027 --> 00:19:10,177
You'll win for sure, Heidi.
That judge adores you.
344
00:19:11,239 --> 00:19:12,515
This is hopeless.
345
00:19:14,332 --> 00:19:16,404
Wait.
Look at the lady judge.
346
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:20,532
She's eating Chipotle.
347
00:19:21,092 --> 00:19:23,787
- So what?
- Maybe she doesn't know.
348
00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:25,817
Maybe she doesn't know!
349
00:19:27,516 --> 00:19:29,584
Excuse me, ma'am.
I see you're eating Chipotle.
350
00:19:31,592 --> 00:19:34,478
It's my favorite fast food,
I would eat it every day.
351
00:19:34,603 --> 00:19:35,631
Except I...
352
00:19:36,613 --> 00:19:37,613
Except...
353
00:19:37,738 --> 00:19:39,677
You can't afford
buying all the underwear?
354
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:42,414
How did you know?
355
00:19:43,065 --> 00:19:45,981
It doesn't matter.
I'm just going to have to give it up.
356
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:48,758
What if you didn't have
to give it up?
357
00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:55,046
Excuse me?
358
00:19:56,334 --> 00:19:59,384
I think you and I might be able
to help each other here.
359
00:20:03,974 --> 00:20:07,963
And now it is time to announce
our grand little miss.
360
00:20:08,378 --> 00:20:10,291
Little Miss Michael Jackson!
361
00:20:20,588 --> 00:20:22,636
I'm sorry I didn't win, mommy.
362
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:25,956
Thank you so much for this reward.
363
00:20:26,081 --> 00:20:28,840
Of all the awards I ever won,
this one means the most.
364
00:20:29,524 --> 00:20:30,707
I feel like...
365
00:20:30,832 --> 00:20:32,271
I'm finally at rest.
366
00:20:33,125 --> 00:20:34,621
I'm finally at rest!
367
00:20:35,173 --> 00:20:36,401
I'm free!
368
00:20:42,426 --> 00:20:43,914
Holy shit!
369
00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:46,850
What the fuck am I wearing?
370
00:20:49,838 --> 00:20:50,969
Ike, you're back.
371
00:20:51,463 --> 00:20:54,201
What the fuck is going on?
372
00:20:54,326 --> 00:20:55,626
It's okay, Ike.
373
00:20:55,751 --> 00:20:57,594
You're going to be okay.
374
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:02,974
Thanks to us and Chipotlaway,
the celebrities can now rest.
375
00:21:06,707 --> 00:21:07,890
I'm free!
376
00:21:08,261 --> 00:21:09,351
I'm free!
377
00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:13,021
He's here!
378
00:21:13,908 --> 00:21:15,299
- Finally!
- He's here!
379
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,902
All right, everyone.
Looks like we're all ready to move on.
380
00:21:20,498 --> 00:21:21,821
Did you all see my crown?
381
00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:28,057
Finally, we can all move on!
382
00:21:32,810 --> 00:21:36,072
All right. I'd like to be the first
to welcome you to the gates of hell.
383
00:21:36,507 --> 00:21:38,922
Unfortunately,
hell is a towing gate.
384
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:45,456
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