Season 13 Episode 7 "Fatbeard"
You guys! You guys! We can finally do it!
We can finally leave this crappy town and live the life we've all dreamed of!
- We can? - What are you talking about, dude?
Haven't you assholes been watching the news?
Pirating is back, my friends.
Swashbuckling adventure on the high seas.
The stuff we've all dreamed about! And it's all happening right here.
Somalia!
- Somalia? Where's that? - North Africa.
Just picture it, guys! Clear blue water with skull islands!
Waterfalls and jeweled treasure underneath!
I've worked it all out on Expedia. We can take
Southwest Airlines to Miami, then Dubai Air here to Cairo.
Then it's just a 49-hour bus ride into Mogadishu,
with all the booty and plunder a pirate could want.
You know, Cartman, that is an awesome idea.
- You should totally go to Somalia. - Right! And we...
Wait a minute. You never think my ideas are good, Kyle.
No, I'm being totally serious.
That is the best idea you've ever had. You should run away to Mogadishu.
You should go there right away. I'll even help pay for your ticket!
Cool! Wait a minute.
The fuck! Why would you do that?
Unless, you're trying to trick me somehow.
No, you're right. Somalia is an oasis of treasure and waterfalls!
- It's totally the pirate's life! - Then why don't you wanna go?
'cause, dude, I'm Jewish, and you know...
Jews can't be pirates.
That's true.
Well, I'm glad you've finally come to terms with your disability, Kyle.
Gentlemen, I'm off to start planning.
Please.
Please let him go.
Good morning, students. These are the morning announcements.
Teacher-parent conferences were rescheduled to next Tuesday.
Please inform your parents.
The gym is being repainted and is closed until tomorrow afternoon.
And now for a special announcement.
Avast there, mateys!
Do you have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life?
Sick and tired of parents and teachers telling ye what to do all the time?
Then join Captain Cartman's perfect pirate club!
Just imagine it, me hearties!
A life without rules, without homework and chores!
You can live the pirate's life in Somalia, me friends.
Even Kyle said so. Our first official pirate meetin'
will be 4:00 PM today, at Kevin Stoley's house.
- At my house? Why my house? - There will be refreshments served.
So make sure your mom goes to the grocery store!
So come all.
The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate,
and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or ginger.
And for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving
taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. Thank you.
Ahoy, fellow club members!
Congratulations on leaving your meaningless lives behind
to become pirates.
Your life of boredom is at an end,
thanks to Captain Cartman. All hands on deck!
Attention!
All right, ye booty lubbers!
So you decided to join Captain Cartman, did ye...
Guys. Who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?
There's really not that many of us. We figured we should let him join.
But, g-i-n-g-e-r-s can't be pirates, 'cause they don't have souls.
- Please get it out of here. - Fine! I don't want to be a pirate!
OK, anyways.
Now, enough small talk, lads! It's time for us to start rappin' and plunderin'!
We set course tomorrow!
I purchased everyone's tickets online using me mother's credit card.
And your mom is OK with that?
Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do I care what me mother thinks anymore?
Neat-o!
All right, lads. Go home and write your farewell letters to your families.
The land of pirates awaits!
- Pirates ho! - Pirates ho!
Kevin, goddammit.
Have a good flight. Next, please?
We be heading to Somalia, by way of Miami to Cairo.
And take care you put us in an exit row, you landlubber.
I see, you five boys
are all booked through to Cairo by yourselves?
That we be, lass. It's all paid for on me mother's credit card.
Jeez. I don't know if I can really go through with this.
- What? - It's just leaving everything behind.
I can't believe I'm actually doing it.
- Maybe we should think about this. - You guys, the fuck!
Are you forgetting how crappy your lives are?
All the homework, the rules?
You really want to go back to school, where people just make fun of you?
Who? You mean you?
- Do you really wanna go back to that? - No, I'm sick of it!
Well, all right then, fag! We can't turn back now.
The path to adventure lies just beyond this ticket counter,
and if you four have really come all this way just to turn back now,
then seriously, you guys... The fuck?
He's right, lads. To adventure!
This is Somalia?
Where's all the waterfalls and shipwreck lagoons?
The fuck!
Excuse me. Where are the pirates?
We're looking for the pirates.
Where can we find the...
Get the phrase book out.
Ask these people where the pirates are.
He says they're in there!
Nice! Come on, mateys!
Yes, bla, bla, bla. Thank you.
Avast!
These aren't pirates. They're just a bunch of black people.
I'm Captain Cartman and this here be my terrible crew.
We be looking for a ship to pirate with.
Yes, very nice. Apparently these are the pirates.
Excellent! They're taking us to a ship!
Once we commandeer a vessel, the plundering will be easy indeed.
This is your pirate boat?
Dude. The fuck?
Seriously, guys, what kind of pirates are you?
I mean, really. The fuck, dude. The fuck?
Guess we'll have to settle with this meager ship.
Two of you sit aft and two of you sit in the front.
I gotta sit middle, 'cause I get motion sickness.
Kevin, Jesus Christ.
Hard to starboard, lads!
There's sure to be lots of booties out here!
Clyde, the fuck?
You said there was gonna be crystal clear lagoons
and treasure and plunder!
Calm down. Everything's gonna be okay!
No, it's not. You made me run away and be a pirate
and there's not even any treasure!
Ike, do something about Clyde, please!
Very nice, Ike.
All right, me hearties!
Keep your eyes open for boats to plunder!
Dude! You're doing it all wrong. Let me handle this.
All right, ye scallywags!
Surrender your plunder lest we start firing shots across your bow!
Yeah, that's good, but now go "argh!"
You checked with Kenny and Token? He's not staying at their houses?
No, everyone's checked. I think Cartman really ran away to Somalia.
Yes! I can't help but take some credit for this.
- I helped convince him to go! - You think he'll die in Somalia?
For sure. It's the most godforsaken place on the planet!
Things are finally gonna be normal around here!
Oh, God!
What did we do wrong, Gerald?
Take it easy. We'll find him!
- I'll call you back. - Kyle! He's gone!
Your little brother's run away from home!
What? Are you sure?
He left a note saying he's never coming back!
"Dear mommy and daddy. I am running away.
I am sorry,
but I cannot longer handle the monotony of middle class life.
Everyone at school is a fucking idiot,
and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance
of Les Mis�rables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth.
I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be a...
to be a pirate." Oh, shit!
Gerald, what are we gonna do?
He couldn't have gone far. Let's call the other kids' houses.
God, what have I done?
The fuck are you pirates doing? Are we gonna plunder them or not?
Let's go.
Quiet, ye sons of biscuit eaters! This boat is now pirate property!
Now get ye to yer lifeboat, lest ye wanna be shark bait!
Plunder the booty, lads! This ship is ours!
I said get off my boat.
That's it! Get in there ye swarmy dogs!
Lower 'em down, Ike!
Have a good day!
- Hard to port, lads. - Hard to port!
What's port?
Just make the boat go that way, kind of.
That's good! Now bring her around portside!
Now, that's a pirate ship.
A fine day of plunderin' we had, boys. What about yourselves?
Here ye are, lads. Plenty of booty to go around.
A round of grog for me boys.
A round of grog for everyone!
The fuck is this? This is water in a Dixie Cup!
All right, goddammit. Really, you guys.
What kind of pirates are you? Look at yourselves!
You're a disgrace to Blackbeard!
I don't know where you people get off calling yourselves pirates...
Little beat-up boats, water in Dixie Cups.
I mean, look! Look at this guy! Look at this guy, for Christ's sake!
I mean, how hard is this, people?
I tell ye, lads, if we're gonna be the most feared people on earth,
then there needs to be some goddamn changes around here!
We drink and we pillage and we do what we please
We get all we want for free
We'll kick your ass then rape your lass
Somalian pirates we
So with a yo ho ho
Goddammit, people.
With a yo ho ho!
And with a yee hee hee!
We take to the African sea
We'll brave the squalls and bust your balls
Somalian pirates we
We left our homes and we left our mothers
to go on a pillaging spree
We'll cut off your ears and break your toes
and make you drink our pee
And if you sail into our waters,
you best hear this decree
We'll take your boat and set your ass afloat
- Somalian pirates we - Nice!
With a yo ho ho
And a trick a lotty do
We'll shoot you in the face with glee
- We'll cut off... - Let's stop for a minute.
Remember on "trick a lotty do", that's an lotty do.
Really need you guys to enunciate the lotty.
Nadif?
If I can get you and Abdikarim to sing the harmony on the second "yo ho".
And... Hashmish?
I'm sorry, but you're a little flat. Sing out, don't close your throat.
So let's go from bar 14. Pick up after the quarter rest. Ike?
- Somalian pirates we - Better!
With a yo ho ho
And a trick a lotty do
We'll shoot you in the face with glee
Then we'll cut off your cock and feed it to a crock
Somalian pirates we!
Somalian pirates...
we!
Somalian pirates we
We found them adrift in a lifeboat, sir.
They said that pirates took their ship by force.
Damn pirates!
What's causing them to suddenly be so much more active?
Is the crew okay?
Yes, sir. They're French, so they surrendered immediately.
Once they boarded your ship, how did they force you off?
Sir, the pirates appear to have forced
the French crew off their boat with a lightsaber.
My God. The pirates are getting better equipped every day!
Gentlemen, I want the President of the United States on the phone.
We can no longer fight the pirates on the seas.
We have to take them out where they live.
What did I tell you, Butters? This is the good life, huh?
What's going on?
Good. A hostage will bring a fine ransom!
Well, well, well!
This is CNN... N.
Breaking news of yet another pirate crisis in Somalia.
Members of NATO receive word today that pirates have captured
an American child,
and are demanding 10 million euros for his safe release.
U.S. Navy ships have been deployed and the pirate standoff
is about to get ugly.
Well, well, well... Kyle.
You came all this way to try and join my pirate club.
No, fatass, I came to get my brother! We all have to get out of here!
- It isn't safe! - It isn't safe?
That's not what you said back in the cafeteria, Kyle.
In the cafeteria, you said Somalia was awesome.
I know. I was lying.
Or are you lying now? So many lies, you can't even keep them straight!
You couldn't stand that we were living in paradise while you were back home.
This isn't paradise, and you know it. The people here are starving and dying!
The whole world has used Somalia as a dumping ground for toxic waste.
Even the fish are radioactive.
Cartman, just give me my brother and let us get out of here.
Your brother is with Butters taking inventory of our latest plunder.
You... just sit tight till we hear about your ransom money.
One box of Italian passports!
One necklace, gold!
Three crew member watches.
Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
Sure, Guleed.
Why did you Americans come here?
'cause our lives sucked back home!
- We had all these rules and homework. - Yeah, homework!
And our parents hollered at us.
- So we wanted to be pirates. - Pirates!
But that's what I do not understand.
Why would anyone want to be a pirate?
Every day, I dream that I can go to school,
learn about the world.
But my mother, she's dying of AIDS,
and there is no money for medicine.
My father was killed trying to find food for us.
Do you know how I feel every time we try to capture a boat?
Scared.
And not just scared, because I might get killed,
but scared because if I don't get something out of it,
my family and friends are going to die.
I don't want to be a pirate. I have don't see how anybody would.
Oh, my God.
Jeez, guess we kinda got put in our place, huh, Ike?
I feel like an asshole.
Me too.
- Go on! Walk the plank, ye scurvy dog! - Cartman, knock it off!
That's Captain Cartman, ye jewswoggle.
Listen, we wanna go home.
- What? - Me and Ike, we've been talking, and...
Well, guys, we really had it pretty good back in America.
I mean, sure,
it's easy to think our lives are boring and full of rules,
but a lot of people have it way worse.
The pirates' life isn't a life of fun and adventure.
It's a life of hardship and suffering.
When you get down to it, we were pretty lucky to have the lives we did.
I hate it here. It wanna go home!
You guys cannot leave the pirate club now!
How can you not want to stay in this paradise we've created?
In Somalia, people have no laws!
They have no rules, and they never grow old!
They never grow old because they die before they're 30!
Nobody's going anywhere. I'm the captain of this outfit!
To arms!
Now, is there any question who's in charge?
I have an entire pirate crew willing to do anything for me.
All right, men. Remember, do not hit the white ones!
Me and my crew are gonna go on pirating forever!
Clear.
The fuck?
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