1
00:00:34,653 --> 00:00:37,483
Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison is away today.
2
00:00:37,484 --> 00:00:41,443
I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland.
3
00:00:41,444 --> 00:00:42,889
Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher.
4
00:00:42,924 --> 00:00:47,355
Now, I understand that some students in this class like to mess with substitute teachers.
5
00:00:47,356 --> 00:00:52,282
But if we all behave and respect each other, I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day.
6
00:00:52,283 --> 00:00:54,358
Let's start with roll call. Let's see,
7
00:00:54,993 --> 00:00:57,113
-Eric Cartman?
-Here!
8
00:01:02,376 --> 00:01:05,291
Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?
9
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:06,191
(Here.)
10
00:01:10,395 --> 00:01:12,306
It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus.
11
00:01:12,341 --> 00:01:14,227
Okay, and where iiiiss�
12
00:01:14,228 --> 00:01:16,778
-Kenny McCormick?
-(Here.)
13
00:01:21,537 --> 00:01:22,905
Dude, what the hell was that?
14
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Oh, geez, you know, when you're laughin' so hard that the milk comes out your nose? Ho, man!
15
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�Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
16
00:01:29,939 --> 00:01:30,481
Huh?
17
00:01:30,516 --> 00:01:32,220
You have to be drinking
milk for that to happen.
18
00:01:32,255 --> 00:01:33,181
Not with me, man.
19
00:01:33,216 --> 00:01:36,575
Alright. Look, why don't we skip roll call? Here's what we're gonna do today.
20
00:01:36,576 --> 00:01:41,346
I've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days � Kyle Broflovski?
21
00:01:41,437 --> 00:01:42,477
He's fakin'!
22
00:01:42,512 --> 00:01:48,037
Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence, our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle.
23
00:01:48,038 --> 00:01:52,659
So I got this large piece of poster board, and we're all gonna come up and use glitter and glue to decorate it.
24
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He's fakin'!
25
00:01:56,782 --> 00:01:59,265
Kenny, you come and decorate
the get-well card, too.
26
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But I don't want Kyle
to get well. I hate Kyle.
27
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I don't care! Get down here and do it!
28
00:02:02,768 --> 00:02:04,813
Hey, watch it! Hey, what are you doin'?
29
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Now, that's a get-well card!
30
00:02:12,321 --> 00:02:19,530
Mr. Garrison, after very careful review the school board believes that you should take a� hiatus from teaching.
31
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-Indefinitely.
-What??
32
00:02:21,299 --> 00:02:24,375
Frankly, your conduct has
been somewhat disconcerting.
33
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Did you know that not one of your
students knew who Sam Adams was?
34
00:02:28,131 --> 00:02:32,193
Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer?! Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach history!
35
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�Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most concerned about.
36
00:02:37,926 --> 00:02:40,791
It's your somewhat substantial police record.
37
00:02:40,826 --> 00:02:42,039
Oh, whatever!
38
00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:46,772
Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of
attempting to solicit sex from a minor wa-
39
00:02:46,807 --> 00:02:48,513
That was not me, that was Mr. Hat!
40
00:02:48,548 --> 00:02:51,558
All we're saying is, perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching
41
00:02:51,559 --> 00:02:55,818
...until this little "child molestation" thing dies down a bit.
42
00:02:55,853 --> 00:03:00,325
Gentlemen, teaching is all I
know. It is the air that I breathe.
43
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,928
We're sorry, Mr. Garrison,
we have no choice.
44
00:03:03,424 --> 00:03:07,688
Very well. I guess� I'm not a teacher anymore.
45
00:03:08,627 --> 00:03:11,630
I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun�
46
00:03:11,665 --> 00:03:14,457
Mr. Garrison, most
teachers do not carry a gun!
47
00:03:14,492 --> 00:03:16,509
Oh, sorry. So I can keep it then?
48
00:03:20,346 --> 00:03:23,256
Kyle, Stan and his mother
came over to visit you.
49
00:03:23,291 --> 00:03:24,256
Hello, sweetie.
50
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,270
Dude, you can stop faking now.
We got a substitute teacher.
51
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,413
Kyle?
52
00:03:29,414 --> 00:03:34,394
They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys have just been shutting down.
53
00:03:34,429 --> 00:03:37,021
Well, the kids at school
made you a card, Kyle. Look.
54
00:03:40,021 --> 00:03:41,140
Go on, Butters!
55
00:03:41,175 --> 00:03:41,842
Ho, I don't wanna!
56
00:03:41,877 --> 00:03:42,723
Butters, go on!
57
00:03:42,758 --> 00:03:43,888
Oh, uhuh alright, then.
58
00:03:43,923 --> 00:03:46,875
We're so sorry you're not feeling well.
We hope you're better soon.
59
00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:50,008
So we're bringing you some sunshine
By, um, singing you this tune:
60
00:03:50,043 --> 00:03:52,611
Everybody misses you
And though we hate to cause a fuss
61
00:03:52,646 --> 00:03:55,617
We'd like to say, "Get well soon!"
And "Please don't die on us."
62
00:03:59,299 --> 00:04:01,033
Dude, you really are sick, huh?
63
00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:02,430
I don't know, I�
64
00:04:02,465 --> 00:04:04,041
I don't know what to do, Sharon.
65
00:04:04,042 --> 00:04:07,266
They wanna have him go into surgery, but they're so dangerous.
66
00:04:07,374 --> 00:04:09,796
Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines?
67
00:04:09,797 --> 00:04:11,935
They work wonders. I read all about in People.
68
00:04:11,989 --> 00:04:13,320
Really? In People?
69
00:04:13,355 --> 00:04:17,578
There's a brand-new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods.
70
00:04:17,579 --> 00:04:21,405
It's run by this fascinating woman named "Miss Information."
71
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:25,371
Oh, well, with a name like "Miss
Information" she must know something.
72
00:04:25,406 --> 00:04:28,184
Why don't we at least take Kyle down
there and see what she has to say.
73
00:04:28,219 --> 00:04:29,753
Okay. I'll get our coats.
74
00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:32,480
Can I go now?
75
00:04:33,797 --> 00:04:36,885
I don't know what I'm goin' tuh
do, Mackey. Teaching is all I know.
76
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:41,867
Okay, well, maybe you need to view this as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do.
77
00:04:41,902 --> 00:04:43,700
I've always wanted to write a novel.
78
00:04:43,735 --> 00:04:45,644
Well, there you go, m'kay?
79
00:04:45,679 --> 00:04:47,266
But I never know what to write about.
80
00:04:47,301 --> 00:04:49,315
Well that's easy. Write about what you know.
81
00:04:49,316 --> 00:04:51,878
Write about what you love. What do you love most?
82
00:04:51,966 --> 00:04:53,591
-Besides teaching?
-Yes.
83
00:04:53,842 --> 00:04:55,127
�Poontang.
84
00:04:56,085 --> 00:04:57,373
M, m'kay
85
00:04:57,408 --> 00:05:00,707
I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know, but I just think that�
86
00:05:00,708 --> 00:05:04,367
taking a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world.
87
00:05:04,424 --> 00:05:06,347
Well that settles it, Mr. Garrison.
88
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:09,645
What you need to do is go write a great romance novel.
89
00:05:09,924 --> 00:05:15,705
Yes, that's it. I am going to write
the Great American Romance Novel!
90
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:20,538
You see, the reason our body
is stale is because of toxins.
91
00:05:20,573 --> 00:05:21,582
Toxins?
92
00:05:21,617 --> 00:05:25,146
All the horrible food we eat�the sodas and meats are filled with toxins,
93
00:05:25,147 --> 00:05:29,215
and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system.
94
00:05:29,216 --> 00:05:31,966
Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up,
95
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:36,989
but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice and cayenne pepper.
96
00:05:37,023 --> 00:05:39,160
Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information!
97
00:05:39,195 --> 00:05:42,372
You hear that, Kyle? You
don't need surgery after all.
98
00:05:43,094 --> 00:05:45,693
Uh excuse ne, but, what
do these toxins look like?
99
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:46,514
What?
100
00:05:46,698 --> 00:05:48,069
Wuh, have you ever
actually seen a toxin?
101
00:05:48,104 --> 00:05:49,496
Don't be a smartass, Stanley.
102
00:05:49,531 --> 00:05:52,931
Mrs. Broflovski, I would like to give your son herbs that focus on the kidney.
103
00:05:52,932 --> 00:05:55,928
I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans.
104
00:05:56,032 --> 00:05:59,610
Ooo, Native Americans. Now, they
know how to heal the body spiritually.
105
00:06:02,099 --> 00:06:07,058
Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak.
106
00:06:07,059 --> 00:06:12,431
Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breasts
107
00:06:12,593 --> 00:06:14,059
Oh yeah, now this is getting good
108
00:06:14,732 --> 00:06:18,685
Just the sight of those breasts
made Reginald's penis very hard.
109
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:23,386
His penis was of considerable size, and
now beads of sweat slowly ran down his
110
00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:27,756
penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool.
111
00:06:27,757 --> 00:06:32,190
It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong as a horse's leg,
112
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:34,814
yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk.
113
00:06:34,815 --> 00:06:38,737
What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipples...
114
00:06:40,559 --> 00:06:44,312
Uh, let's see� Diana's nipples�
115
00:06:44,313 --> 00:06:46,649
Oh, writer's block, writer's block!
116
00:06:47,277 --> 00:06:51,405
Crap! I'm stuck. Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today, Mr. Hat.
117
00:06:53,357 --> 00:06:55,249
Oh my, he looks terrible.
118
00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:56,839
Yes, poor little dear.
119
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,445
Good morning, everyone.
120
00:06:59,101 --> 00:07:02,998
Oh, thanks for coming, Miss. Information.
Kyle seems to be getting worse.
121
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:08,337
Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better.
122
00:07:08,482 --> 00:07:09,353
-Really?
-What?
123
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:13,772
Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer
than yesterday, and his aura is lighter.
124
00:07:13,807 --> 00:07:15,061
Oh, that's great news!
125
00:07:15,843 --> 00:07:16,961
Oh no!
126
00:07:16,996 --> 00:07:20,761
Nono, that's good. Those are the
toxins flushing out of the system.
127
00:07:21,239 --> 00:07:24,078
Those aren't toxins. That's the been
with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.
128
00:07:24,113 --> 00:07:26,253
Stanley, what did I say
about being a smartass?!
129
00:07:26,288 --> 00:07:27,220
Don't be a smartass?
130
00:07:27,255 --> 00:07:31,173
Now, don't be fooled. As Kyle's body sheds itself more and more of all the toxins
131
00:07:31,174 --> 00:07:34,400
he will appear to be getting worse, but actually, he is getting better!
132
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:39,231
Wow. Well, I am sold on natural
medicines. If only I had known sooner.
133
00:07:39,266 --> 00:07:40,637
I agree. Yeah. That's right.
134
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,141
Mr. Marsh is here to see you.
135
00:07:45,176 --> 00:07:47,826
Alright, send him in. Oh, Stanley.
136
00:07:47,861 --> 00:07:48,541
Hi, doctor.
137
00:07:48,576 --> 00:07:49,884
What can I do for you?
138
00:07:49,919 --> 00:07:53,192
Well, it's my friend, Kyle. I
think he's really, really sick.
139
00:07:53,227 --> 00:07:55,518
He is really, really sick, Stanley.
140
00:07:55,519 --> 00:07:59,305
I was seeing him last week when he first got ill, but unfortunately his mother has decided to
141
00:07:59,306 --> 00:08:01,960
...put all her trust intuuuh holistic medicine..
142
00:08:01,995 --> 00:08:02,833
But I don't think it's working.
143
00:08:02,868 --> 00:08:04,984
Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very honest with you.
144
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,543
Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant.
145
00:08:07,544 --> 00:08:10,558
Or it is very possible that� he will die.
146
00:08:11,664 --> 00:08:16,099
Die? But� Kyle's my best
friend. In the whole world.
147
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,194
I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age, but�
148
00:08:19,195 --> 00:08:23,722
the rest of the town is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that I have nowhere else to turn.
149
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,202
�I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if
it hurts a whole lot; I don't care.
150
00:08:27,237 --> 00:08:31,526
That's very brave, Stan, but I've already checked my records, and you and Kyle aren't a match
for kidneys.
151
00:08:31,527 --> 00:08:35,799
In fact, there's only one person in South Park with the same blood type as Kyle.
152
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,980
Who?
153
00:08:38,972 --> 00:08:40,763
Oh, shit!
154
00:08:45,936 --> 00:08:47,350
Coming in for attack, Captain.
155
00:08:47,351 --> 00:08:49,584
Pipew, pipipew. Give me the space cruiser, Kenny.
156
00:08:49,583 --> 00:08:54,131
Come on, Kenny, you have to give me the subspace cruiser so I can destroy the Gengrins on Crespus 5.
157
00:08:54,327 --> 00:08:56,096
(Unngh. Stop, no! No, it's mine!)
158
00:08:58,744 --> 00:09:00,851
I broke the space cruiser Kenny
159
00:09:02,929 --> 00:09:05,007
Ooh, sweetums, did you
laugh too hard again?
160
00:09:05,008 --> 00:09:05,608
Yeah.
161
00:09:05,643 --> 00:09:08,627
Well, some more of your little
friends are here to play with you.
162
00:09:08,662 --> 00:09:09,437
Okay, mom.
163
00:09:09,739 --> 00:09:13,006
And don't get too close to Kyle. He
looks like he might have the AIDS.
164
00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:14,644
What's goin' on, guys?
165
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,683
Cartman, we have to ask you a
quuestion. A very serious question.
166
00:09:17,718 --> 00:09:18,697
Oh-kay.
167
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:24,250
Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see him getting worse right
before my eyes. There might be a way that you� can save his life.
168
00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:24,928
Uh huh.
169
00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:27,077
What Kyle really needs� is a new kidney.
170
00:09:27,112 --> 00:09:28,873
Oh, I think I see where this is going.
171
00:09:28,908 --> 00:09:33,345
His mom is trying all this Eastern medicine and New
Age bullcrap on him, but its obviously not working.
172
00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:34,943
Stan, why don't you
just ask the question?
173
00:09:34,978 --> 00:09:37,572
Alright. Will you donate
one of your kidneys to Kyle?
174
00:09:37,607 --> 00:09:39,674
No no, no no, no!
175
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:40,145
No no, no no, no!
176
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,124
But you only need one, fat boy!
177
00:09:41,159 --> 00:09:41,880
No no, no no, nono no!
178
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:42,666
Nonono, no no!
179
00:09:42,701 --> 00:09:45,080
Dude, one of your friends is goin' tuh
die! Don't you see how serious this is?!
180
00:09:45,115 --> 00:09:46,039
(Not when I try to tell him!)
181
00:09:46,074 --> 00:09:51,111
Well, perhaps I could see my way
to giving up a kidney. For a price.
182
00:09:51,146 --> 00:09:51,893
Oh my God!
183
00:09:51,928 --> 00:09:52,624
How much?
184
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:54,644
I don't know. How much is
your life worth to you, Kyle?
185
00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:56,240
Cartman, you are so going
to hell when you die!
186
00:09:56,275 --> 00:09:59,116
Yes, well, until then, I need
about ten million dollars.
187
00:09:59,151 --> 00:10:00,617
(Ten million dollars??)
188
00:10:00,652 --> 00:10:02,753
What the hell would you do with
ten million dollars, fatass?!
189
00:10:02,788 --> 00:10:08,543
What I intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it? I suggest you start looking
for that money quickly. Kyle doesn't seem to have much time. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
190
00:10:08,578 --> 00:10:10,102
Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here.
191
00:10:10,137 --> 00:10:17,262
"Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah. ""Quick, Captain, we must destroy the
Gengrin across the fire."" Give me the space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!"
192
00:10:17,297 --> 00:10:20,384
Ooo, free-range aspirin!
193
00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:21,446
All-natural cell phones!
194
00:10:21,481 --> 00:10:28,376
Oh, look eveyone. These are our two resident Native
Americans. Chief Running Pinto, and Carlos Ramirez.
195
00:10:28,411 --> 00:10:28,998
Ooo.
196
00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:29,784
I'd like to buy some more stuff.
197
00:10:29,819 --> 00:10:30,540
Come in. Come here, guys.
198
00:10:30,575 --> 00:10:32,986
Do you have any new
holistic items for sale?
199
00:10:33,021 --> 00:10:37,624
Oohh, oh yeah. Aah� Here, uh,
this is a ahh dream�catcher.
200
00:10:37,659 --> 00:10:40,369
Oh, a dreamcatcher. I'll buy one.
201
00:10:40,404 --> 00:10:46,782
Yeah. And these here are Cherokee hair tampons. They're, like,
tampons made with all-natural hair from the Cherokee people.
202
00:10:46,817 --> 00:10:49,946
Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee
hair�now that sounds natural.
203
00:10:49,981 --> 00:10:52,761
Native Americans are more in
tune with the earth than we are.
204
00:10:52,796 --> 00:10:54,769
Oh yeah. We love the earth, man.
205
00:10:54,804 --> 00:10:56,227
Oh yeah, the earth is great.
206
00:10:56,262 --> 00:11:01,683
Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick. Perhaps she could bring
him in tomorrow and you could give him some spiritual healing.
207
00:11:01,718 --> 00:11:05,566
Oh, sure. We could do that, man. We'll give
him, like, a, a brain enema, or somethin'.
208
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:06,927
uh'hm, ho ho hm.
209
00:11:06,962 --> 00:11:07,574
Wonderful!
210
00:11:07,609 --> 00:11:11,048
Why don't you follow me over to the
cash register and I'll take a deposit.
211
00:11:11,083 --> 00:11:13,689
D'you have anymore stuff to
sell? We wanna buy more stuff.
212
00:11:13,724 --> 00:11:15,184
Yes. Much, much more stuff.
213
00:11:15,219 --> 00:11:20,766
Sure, uh, we just gotta go back to our truck
- I'm, I mean our horses and grab some more junk. Come on.
214
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:24,153
Good-bye, Native Americans.
The spirit of Maya is with you.
215
00:11:24,188 --> 00:11:25,580
Oh yah. You too and junk.
216
00:11:25,615 --> 00:11:28,386
That's funny, man.
217
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:31,840
Oh hi, Stanley. Look, I'm buying
you some more all-natural toothpaste.
218
00:11:31,875 --> 00:11:34,153
You mean the stuff that tastes
like ass and doesn't fight cavities?
219
00:11:34,188 --> 00:11:34,942
That's right.
220
00:11:34,977 --> 00:11:38,904
Look, um� I know that you all think the earth and its natural healing powers can cure Kyle,
221
00:11:38,905 --> 00:11:40,897
...but� the doctor at the hospital told me it can't.
222
00:11:40,932 --> 00:11:44,780
Well, of course the doctor told you that, because he wants to make money.
223
00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:49,426
Holistic modicine is about NATURE.
(Two-hundered and thrity-three dollars.)
224
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,708
Everything's going to be fine, Stan.
225
00:11:52,709 --> 00:11:55,858
We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally.
226
00:11:55,893 --> 00:11:58,544
Isn't it possible that these Indians
don't know what thry're talking about?
227
00:11:58,579 --> 00:11:59,947
You watch your mouth, Stanley!
228
00:11:59,948 --> 00:12:03,575
The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources by white people like us!
229
00:12:03,685 --> 00:12:06,030
And that has something to do
with their medicines because�?
230
00:12:06,065 --> 00:12:07,205
Enough, Stanley!
231
00:12:10,441 --> 00:12:11,994
Nobody wants to listen, Kenny.
232
00:12:12,029 --> 00:12:12,635
(I know.)
233
00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:15,760
I don't know what else to do. I mean, he could die, Kenny.
234
00:12:15,761 --> 00:12:17,590
And that means we'd never see him again.
235
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:18,215
(Uh huh.)
236
00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:21,727
I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted, like they'd always be there.
237
00:12:21,728 --> 00:12:23,882
If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do.
238
00:12:23,883 --> 00:12:26,626
Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die.
239
00:12:26,627 --> 00:12:29,383
Kenny, go round up all the kids in town who want to help Kyle!
240
00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:33,336
Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's gonna live!
241
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,733
Chapter 18
242
00:12:37,768 --> 00:12:41,296
Diana had never slept with another woman before,
243
00:12:41,297 --> 00:12:44,566
but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about.
244
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:47,116
Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot
lesbo scene comin' up!
245
00:12:47,151 --> 00:12:50,215
And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her,
246
00:12:50,216 --> 00:12:52,547
Diana couldn't help but feel aroused.
247
00:12:52,582 --> 00:12:55,738
"Go on", Rebecca said softly, "Touch me."
248
00:12:55,739 --> 00:13:00,596
Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips�
249
00:13:00,597 --> 00:13:03,584
It felt good. Like a penis.
250
00:13:03,585 --> 00:13:07,316
A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to the touch.
251
00:13:07,317 --> 00:13:11,514
In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises.
252
00:13:11,515 --> 00:13:16,037
They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face.
253
00:13:16,038 --> 00:13:19,561
It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises.
254
00:13:19,563 --> 00:13:23,520
They presented themselves tall
and mighty all around her, with
255
00:13:23,555 --> 00:13:27,977
Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?!
Oh, Mr. Hat.
256
00:13:29,659 --> 00:13:31,487
Come on, where are they?
257
00:13:35,431 --> 00:13:36,388
This is it??
258
00:13:36,423 --> 00:13:37,203
(Uh huh)
259
00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,173
This is everyone that
wanted to help Kyle??
260
00:13:39,208 --> 00:13:43,931
Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but he, he said his mom was makin' tacos for dinner and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot.
261
00:13:43,966 --> 00:13:47,519
Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters, you take
this medical book, and everyone follow me!
262
00:13:47,554 --> 00:13:48,418
Huh, where are we goin'?
263
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:49,990
We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney.
264
00:14:57,055 --> 00:15:02,724
No! NO! Hip - hippies all around me. Help! Mommy! Huhuhippies!
265
00:15:05,406 --> 00:15:06,467
Okay, it's clear.
266
00:15:12,709 --> 00:15:15,421
Okay. Me and Butters are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney out of him.
267
00:15:15,422 --> 00:15:17,714
Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door here with Timmy.
268
00:15:19,488 --> 00:15:22,422
If she hears him screaming, or comes out
or anything, just� stall her. Alright?
269
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:23,469
(Okay)
270
00:15:23,504 --> 00:15:25,177
Alright Butters, let's go.
271
00:15:27,132 --> 00:15:28,961
Uh-oh, Cartman's pig.
272
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:35,475
Sshh, good pig. Good
pig. Goood pig. Sshh. Okay.
273
00:15:40,549 --> 00:15:43,566
Come on, we gotta get outta here! Oh, no!
274
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:44,809
Oh well, we're busted.
275
00:15:47,325 --> 00:15:49,171
Shut up, Fluffy!
276
00:15:55,006 --> 00:15:58,319
Hippies. Hi-i-ippies. They're everywhere.
277
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,800
They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad. He-elp!
278
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,321
Okay, here we go. .
279
00:16:10,086 --> 00:16:14,581
Okay, let's see. Looks like if we cut here, and here�
280
00:16:14,616 --> 00:16:17,059
I hope it's not too bloody; I'm wearin' my favorite pants.
281
00:16:17,094 --> 00:16:20,581
�vein right, well- Well, here goes nothing. Help me pull his pajamas up.
282
00:16:21,828 --> 00:16:24,420
No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!
283
00:16:24,455 --> 00:16:28,568
whatwhatwhatwhat? Oh, it's Stan and
Butters! Trying to take my kidney, are you?!
284
00:16:28,603 --> 00:16:29,374
You suck, Cartman!
285
00:16:29,409 --> 00:16:31,895
Maybe so, but at least I was smart
enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!
286
00:16:31,930 --> 00:16:33,852
God-damnit, don't you care
that Kyle is gonna die?!
287
00:16:33,887 --> 00:16:38,635
I do! I do care! Look how much.
Look. Look how much I care.
288
00:16:41,111 --> 00:16:44,689
First and foemost, Mr. Garrison, I would like to thank you for chosing Harequin Romance
289
00:16:44,724 --> 00:16:46,550
Yeahyeahyeah. So, didi you read the book?
290
00:16:46,585 --> 00:16:48,738
Uh yes, Mr. Garrison,
we did read your book.
291
00:16:48,773 --> 00:16:49,920
Well, what did you think?
292
00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:55,828
Well, frankly, Mr. Garrison, n-we don't know if the Harequin Romance label is appropriate for you.
293
00:16:55,863 --> 00:16:57,269
Ooohhh, why not??
294
00:16:57,304 --> 00:16:58,412
Mr. Garrison, uh�
295
00:16:58,413 --> 00:17:03,084
Are you aware that the word "penis" occurs six-thousand and eighty-three times in your novel?
296
00:17:03,141 --> 00:17:06,140
Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words. It is a romance novel.
297
00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:10,837
Nnnno, I don't think that this book really qualifies as a "romance novel."
298
00:17:10,872 --> 00:17:11,439
No?
299
00:17:11,474 --> 00:17:16,913
No. No, this is what we in the book-publishing business like to call� gay.
300
00:17:16,914 --> 00:17:18,963
Really, really gay.
301
00:17:19,006 --> 00:17:20,412
What the hell are you talkin' about?!
302
00:17:20,447 --> 00:17:23,663
It's just that the focus really seems to be on the� male organs.
303
00:17:23,698 --> 00:17:25,919
Well, I thought it was mostly women that read these things!
304
00:17:25,954 --> 00:17:26,902
It is.
305
00:17:26,937 --> 00:17:29,516
Well, women want to read about ding-dongs!
306
00:17:29,517 --> 00:17:32,850
D'you thnk women care about the details of female anatomy?! Hel-lo!
307
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:35,442
Women wanna read about big, poweful schlongs!
308
00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:37,676
Look, I've seen women read these things.
309
00:17:37,677 --> 00:17:40,638
They skim along and skim along until they get to the part about the penis!
310
00:17:40,639 --> 00:17:42,683
That's what they want, so that's what I'm giving them!
311
00:17:45,354 --> 00:17:47,111
There's nothing more I can do, Kenny.
312
00:17:47,112 --> 00:17:51,180
I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
313
00:17:51,355 --> 00:17:53,218
(Well uh, nobody seems to care when I die on them!)
314
00:17:53,253 --> 00:17:56,825
My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it.
315
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:58,778
Oh, God, he's my best friend�
316
00:17:58,779 --> 00:18:04,324
(Well now, that does it! I have had enough of this bullshit! Screw you, Stan. I'm going home!)
317
00:18:04,949 --> 00:18:06,198
Look out!
318
00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:10,855
Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again!
319
00:18:13,601 --> 00:18:16,235
Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please.
320
00:18:16,270 --> 00:18:18,911
No problem, man. Pay Miss Information up front.
321
00:18:18,946 --> 00:18:22,998
Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1.
322
00:18:23,033 --> 00:18:27,377
Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is allll-naturalll ball juice.
323
00:18:29,127 --> 00:18:30,561
Wow, I feel better already!
324
00:18:31,441 --> 00:18:34,007
And next we have Mrs. Broflovski's son.
325
00:18:35,541 --> 00:18:37,036
Okay, here he is.
326
00:18:38,054 --> 00:18:40,723
Ahahem, that kid looks really sick.
327
00:18:40,758 --> 00:18:43,538
Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed again.
328
00:18:43,573 --> 00:18:48,046
No. I mean, he look REALLY sick, man. You should take him to, like, a doctor.
329
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:50,679
But you're more in touch with the earth.
330
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:54,183
Look, bein' in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dyin', man.
331
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,111
It's okay. We trust that you know whar you're doing.
332
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,308
No, man, that kid needs a doctor!
333
00:19:01,309 --> 00:19:05,589
And besides, we're not actually Native Americans. I mean, I'm I'm more like a, a Mexican.
334
00:19:05,624 --> 00:19:06,204
What?!
335
00:19:06,543 --> 00:19:07,960
Yeah. A Mexican.
336
00:19:09,787 --> 00:19:11,004
Oh my God!
337
00:19:12,828 --> 00:19:14,691
How dare you deceive us like that!
338
00:19:14,726 --> 00:19:18,647
Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, man. Miss Information said that.
339
00:19:18,682 --> 00:19:20,787
Yeah. She said nobody would
buy anything from Mexicans.
340
00:19:22,706 --> 00:19:24,413
Uh, toxins ARE your enemy.
341
00:19:25,561 --> 00:19:26,099
Kill her!
342
00:19:30,676 --> 00:19:32,174
Funny.
343
00:19:32,209 --> 00:19:34,185
So NOW can we take Kyle to the hospital?
344
00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:36,174
Yes, of course, but we
don't have a kidney donor!
345
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,849
That's alright. If you'll all
help, I think I have a plan.
346
00:19:43,463 --> 00:19:48,899
Oohh, morning, hum, hmyeah.
HWAA! That son of a bitch!
347
00:19:52,248 --> 00:19:54,507
Okay, asshole! Give me back my kidney!
348
00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:55,963
Dude, please. Kyle needs it.
349
00:19:55,998 --> 00:20:00,746
It's MINE! Not yours, MINE! Give it back
right now, or there's gonna be HELL to pay!
350
00:20:00,781 --> 00:20:01,966
Alright, alright, here.
351
00:20:03,819 --> 00:20:06,996
Thank you. And you'd better hope to God
it still works, just like it did before.
352
00:20:09,148 --> 00:20:11,204
Doctor, Eric Cartman is here-
353
00:20:11,239 --> 00:20:12,808
Why, hello there, Eric.
354
00:20:14,203 --> 00:20:19,945
You see that?! That's MINE! My asshole friend Stan took my kidney, and I need it put back in!
355
00:20:19,946 --> 00:20:20,698
Please.
356
00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:26,521
Oh, I see. Are you sure that now that it's already out, you don't wanna just let your friend Kyle have it?
357
00:20:26,556 --> 00:20:30,778
No. Because. It doesn't belong to
Kyle, it belongs to me! It's MINE!
358
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:34,749
Well, alright then. We'll get you prepped for
surgery. If you'll just sign this release.
359
00:20:34,784 --> 00:20:36,081
Thank you.
360
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:39,199
How are you feeling, bubbe?
361
00:20:39,234 --> 00:20:40,222
Better, I think.
362
00:20:40,257 --> 00:20:41,384
You look a lot better.
363
00:20:41,419 --> 00:20:43,924
Yeah, it looks like Western
medicine really did the trick.
364
00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:46,547
Hey, thanks for going through
all that to save my life, Stan.
365
00:20:46,582 --> 00:20:49,767
Dude, you're my best friend. I
don't want you to die until I do.
366
00:20:49,802 --> 00:20:52,075
Yeah. Hey, man, we're glad
you're getting better, too.
367
00:20:52,110 --> 00:20:54,146
Heh. Hey, what what's going on?
368
00:20:54,181 --> 00:20:55,878
Kyle's all better,
Cartman, thanks to you!
369
00:20:55,913 --> 00:20:56,580
Huh?
370
00:20:56,615 --> 00:20:57,514
It was all a trick.
371
00:20:57,515 --> 00:21:00,633
Your mom undid the kidney blocker, and then we put catchup on your bed so you'd think we took your kidney.
372
00:21:00,837 --> 00:21:04,011
Yes, but it was all a trick to get you to come in and sign this release.
373
00:21:04,046 --> 00:21:05,654
Isn't that funny, sweetie?
374
00:21:06,354 --> 00:21:08,134
I am SO PISSED OFF!
375
00:21:08,169 --> 00:21:09,623
Oh, here's everybody.
376
00:21:09,658 --> 00:21:11,159
Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?
377
00:21:11,194 --> 00:21:13,287
Boys, I have an announcement to make:
378
00:21:13,288 --> 00:21:15,368
I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore.
379
00:21:15,369 --> 00:21:17,316
I've become a best-selling author!
380
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:20,856
And Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy as a get-well present.
381
00:21:21,019 --> 00:21:22,776
Oh. �Thanks?
382
00:21:23,192 --> 00:21:25,777
I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!!
383
00:21:25,812 --> 00:21:27,448
Careful, Cartman, you
might pop your stitches.
384
00:21:29,598 --> 00:21:30,330
What the?
385
00:21:30,365 --> 00:21:32,248
Oh good, you got the crappy kidney.