1 00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:08,741 Captioning made possible by comedy central 2 00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:10,493 ? I'm going down to south park? 3 00:00:10,528 --> 00:00:12,211 ? Gonna have myself a time? 4 00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:13,911 ? Friendly faces everywhere? 5 00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:15,681 ? Humble folks without temptation? 6 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,433 ? Going down to south park? 7 00:00:17,468 --> 00:00:18,960 ? Gonna leave my woes behind? 8 00:00:18,995 --> 00:00:20,453 ? Ample parking day or night? 9 00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:22,188 ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? 10 00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,940 ? Headin' on up to south park? 11 00:00:23,975 --> 00:00:25,658 ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? 12 00:00:28,694 --> 00:00:29,996 ? So come on down to south park? 13 00:00:30,429 --> 00:00:32,164 ? And meet some friends of mine? 14 00:00:36,769 --> 00:00:38,070 Okay, carol, put the card you picked 15 00:00:38,504 --> 00:00:40,239 Back into the deck so i can't see it. 16 00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:41,541 What's going on? 17 00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:44,143 This fellow, david blaine, he's doing magic tricks. 18 00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:45,843 Hey, where'd you get that ice cream? 19 00:00:45,878 --> 00:00:47,613 Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. 20 00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:48,915 Was that the card you picked? 21 00:00:48,950 --> 00:00:49,782 No, i'm sorry, 22 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:51,300 I picked the four of hearts. 23 00:00:51,335 --> 00:00:52,385 Four of hearts, really? 24 00:00:52,818 --> 00:00:53,252 Look again. 25 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:54,519 Aah! 26 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,254 Whoa! 27 00:00:56,289 --> 00:00:57,156 That's pretty cool, dude. 28 00:00:57,590 --> 00:00:58,856 Who's this asshole? 29 00:00:58,891 --> 00:01:00,626 He's a magician named david blaine, dude, he kicks ass. 30 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:01,928 Where'd you guys get that ice cream? 31 00:01:01,963 --> 00:01:03,229 Sir, could you come over here? 32 00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:04,964 Now, what i want you to do, mr.- 33 00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,265 Kern. 34 00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:08,434 Mr. Kern, i want you to just think about a card. 35 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:11,037 Pick any card and picture it in your mind. 36 00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,303 Okay. 37 00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:14,507 Okay, just, just think about your card. 38 00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:17,109 Okay, look at me. 39 00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:20,146 Look at me. 40 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:21,846 Look at me. 41 00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:23,182 Okay, now reach up your ass. 42 00:01:23,616 --> 00:01:24,448 Huh? 43 00:01:24,483 --> 00:01:26,652 Go on, reach up your ass. 44 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,821 I don't feel nothing. 45 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:29,654 Deeper. 46 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:31,424 I don't feel- 47 00:01:31,857 --> 00:01:33,558 Wait, wait. 48 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,328 Was that the card you picked? 49 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,629 Yes, oh my god! 50 00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:37,895 Oh ho! 51 00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:38,798 Wow, that's cool. 52 00:01:39,231 --> 00:01:39,665 How'd he do that? 53 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:40,967 Thank you. 54 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,135 I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. 55 00:01:43,569 --> 00:01:44,835 I've started quite a following 56 00:01:44,870 --> 00:01:47,907 Mostly because of my levitation trick. 57 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:51,377 Watch. 58 00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:54,378 Oh! 59 00:01:54,413 --> 00:01:56,113 No way! 60 00:01:56,148 --> 00:01:58,317 Damn, that guy is the coolest guy in the universe. 61 00:01:58,352 --> 00:01:59,584 Pamphlet, pamphlet! 62 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,354 Here you go, kids, take a pamphlet. 63 00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:02,620 "David blaine workshop." 64 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:05,257 "Learn all about david blaine at the center for magic." 65 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,559 Dude, we gotta go. 66 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,595 Yeah, they probably teach you how to do magic tricks! 67 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:11,764 Hello everyone. 68 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,030 My name is steven, 69 00:02:13,065 --> 00:02:15,199 And i've been a blainetologist for about three years. 70 00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:17,837 So when david blaine performed his miracles out on the street, 71 00:02:18,270 --> 00:02:20,006 What moved you the most? 72 00:02:20,041 --> 00:02:21,272 His miracles? 73 00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:24,777 Oh yes, you see, david blaine is much more than a magician. 74 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,746 He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader. 75 00:02:26,781 --> 00:02:28,681 When are we gonna learn magic tricks? 76 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:29,513 Yeah. 77 00:02:29,548 --> 00:02:30,850 Oh, i've got a trick for you to learn. 78 00:02:31,283 --> 00:02:33,886 I can show you how to make your true self appear. 79 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,586 Let me ask you all something. 80 00:02:35,621 --> 00:02:39,091 Do you consider yourselves to be happy? 81 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,358 I don't think i'm very happy. 82 00:02:40,393 --> 00:02:43,863 I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. 83 00:02:44,296 --> 00:02:45,563 Right. 84 00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,298 See, the reason that you are- 85 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,068 And then i always get woken up in the morning 86 00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,803 By the sound of my own screams. 87 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,104 Do you think i'm unhappy? 88 00:02:52,538 --> 00:02:55,106 The, thepointis, that you can be happy. 89 00:02:55,141 --> 00:02:57,309 You see, your friends and parents have programmed you 90 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,877 In a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. 91 00:02:59,912 --> 00:03:04,684 How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real you? 92 00:03:04,719 --> 00:03:06,384 You're not really happy. 93 00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:07,685 I'm not really happy. 94 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,854 Your potential hasn't even been reached. 95 00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,589 My potential hasn't even been reached. 96 00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:13,793 If you look through david blaine's incredible book, 97 00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:15,493 You'll find a lot of life's answers. 98 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,829 Let's read some of the book together, shall we? 99 00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:18,998 Then we get to be in david blaine's secret club? 100 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,167 That's right. Cool. 101 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,203 Ike, eat your gefilte fish. 102 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,071 No. 103 00:03:25,504 --> 00:03:26,771 Mom, mom, i found out all about 104 00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:28,541 This great new magician named david blaine. 105 00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,276 That's nice kyle, ike, eat! 106 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,542 We spent all afternoon 107 00:03:31,577 --> 00:03:33,529 Learning about how we aren't actually happy. 108 00:03:33,564 --> 00:03:35,481 I had no idea how unhappy i was until today. 109 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,782 They gave me this school book to read 110 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,482 And i'm already on chapter four. 111 00:03:38,517 --> 00:03:40,252 Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, kyle. 112 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:42,421 Ike, for the love of abraham, you are gonna eat this! 113 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,723 So, can i go to the magic camp 114 00:03:44,156 --> 00:03:45,458 To learn how to become a full member? 115 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:46,759 All the other guys are doing it. 116 00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,060 And it's only $69.95. 117 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,326 Magic camp? 118 00:03:49,361 --> 00:03:50,663 I don't know, booby, ask your father. 119 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,265 Ike, you will eat this! 120 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:58,037 Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you. 121 00:03:58,072 --> 00:04:00,604 I am prepared. 122 00:04:00,639 --> 00:04:04,110 Huh, geez, it sure got cold in here. 123 00:04:04,145 --> 00:04:05,810 Next. 124 00:04:05,845 --> 00:04:08,013 Congratulations, young blainetologists. 125 00:04:08,447 --> 00:04:10,581 From this day, you are clean. 126 00:04:10,616 --> 00:04:12,750 Now, we have very important work to do. 127 00:04:12,785 --> 00:04:15,387 David blaine is going to put on a big magic show 128 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,654 In denver tomorrow night. 129 00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:19,725 Where he's going to eat his own head. 130 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,593 Wow! 131 00:04:21,026 --> 00:04:22,761 So it's up to all you new blainetologists 132 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,497 To get as many people there as you can. 133 00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:27,932 Whoever gets the most people to come, gets a prize. 134 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:31,003 Kyle, i'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. 135 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,304 Hey, i'm not kyle, i'm butters. 136 00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:33,172 I thought you were kyle. 137 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,438 No, i'm stan. 138 00:04:34,473 --> 00:04:34,907 You're stan? Where's kenny? 139 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:36,607 Who are you? I'm kyle. 140 00:04:36,642 --> 00:04:38,377 Heh heh, guess who i am, you guys. 141 00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:40,546 Kyle, i think we may have gotten into something bad here. 142 00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:41,378 What do you mean? 143 00:04:41,413 --> 00:04:42,715 We're learning all kinds of cool stuff. 144 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,981 Look at us, dude. 145 00:04:44,016 --> 00:04:45,317 These people are trying to change us somehow. 146 00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,451 I think it's time we went home. 147 00:04:47,486 --> 00:04:49,221 But david blaine is going to do more miracles in denver tomorrow. 148 00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,390 I don't care, i'm leaving! 149 00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:53,958 Excuse me. 150 00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:54,860 Where are you going? 151 00:04:55,294 --> 00:04:56,127 I'm going home. 152 00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:57,428 You don't want to go home. 153 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,632 You said we're free to leave whenever we want. 154 00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:00,499 You are. 155 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:01,801 Then move out of the way. 156 00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:03,102 I'm not in your way. 157 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:03,969 You are. 158 00:05:04,403 --> 00:05:06,138 Are you unhappy with the church's teachings? 159 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,838 Let's just talk about it. 160 00:05:07,873 --> 00:05:10,007 I don't wanna talk about it, i just wanna leave. 161 00:05:10,042 --> 00:05:13,078 Why don't we go into the back room for a second and talk, 162 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,345 Then you can leave. 163 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,115 That's okay, i changed my mind. 164 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,650 I'm gonna stay. 165 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,151 That's great news. 166 00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:23,488 Okay, it's all clear. 167 00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:24,321 What are we doing? 168 00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:25,623 We're getting out of here. 169 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,959 This whole thing has gotten way out of hand. 170 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,260 Whoa, whoa, i'm not going anywhere. 171 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,128 Come on kyle, this is stupid. 172 00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:30,429 It's not stupid, stan. 173 00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:32,598 For once in my life, i feel like i'm part of something. 174 00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:33,864 A part of what? 175 00:05:33,899 --> 00:05:35,201 Some gay-Wad magician's crazy life plan? 176 00:05:35,236 --> 00:05:36,502 Don't call mr. Blaine a "gay wad", 177 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:37,768 He's a brilliant man. 178 00:05:37,803 --> 00:05:39,538 No, they just convinced you that he's a brilliant man! 179 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,805 Let's go! Going anywhere. 180 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,141 Goddamn it, i'm not going with you! 181 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:42,973 I wanna stay here! 182 00:05:43,008 --> 00:05:44,310 Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. 183 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,611 Oh wait, who am i again? 184 00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:46,443 You're stan. 185 00:05:46,478 --> 00:05:47,780 Oh yeah - God damn it- 186 00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:49,046 Hold on a second. 187 00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:50,382 Okay, look dude, i'm getting out of here. 188 00:05:50,816 --> 00:05:52,117 And you're a dumb ass if you don't come with me. 189 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:54,720 Then i guess i'm a dumb ass. 190 00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:58,155 Kyle, please. 191 00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:01,625 You-You're my best friend. 192 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:04,263 Well, this is what i believe in now, stan, 193 00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:05,963 And if you can't respect that, 194 00:06:05,998 --> 00:06:09,468 Then i guess we're not best friends anymore. 195 00:06:20,145 --> 00:06:20,978 Hello ma'am. 196 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:22,713 My name is kyle and this is cartman. 197 00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:24,917 We'd like to share our interest in david blaine with you. 198 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:27,953 Uh-Oh, my husband warned me about you "blaine-Iacs". 199 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,688 I'm sorry, but i'm a catholic. 200 00:06:30,122 --> 00:06:31,423 It doesn't matter, ma'am. 201 00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:32,725 Blainetology is for everyone. 202 00:06:33,158 --> 00:06:34,894 There are blainetologists who are catholic, buddhist, 203 00:06:34,929 --> 00:06:36,629 Why, even kyle here is a god damn jew. 204 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:37,895 That's right. 205 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:39,231 So you're not a cult? 206 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,931 A cult, no. 207 00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:42,666 David blaine is a real person. 208 00:06:42,701 --> 00:06:45,304 You may have seen his television specials onabc. 209 00:06:45,339 --> 00:06:46,570 He also wrote a book 210 00:06:46,605 --> 00:06:47,473 And we'd like to share it with you. 211 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,208 Well, all right, come on in. 212 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,474 Okay. 213 00:06:50,509 --> 00:06:52,643 And if you look here, you can see how david blaine 214 00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:54,847 Performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at times square. 215 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,113 Ma'am, have you ever wondered 216 00:06:56,148 --> 00:06:57,883 What david blaine's plan is for you? 217 00:06:58,317 --> 00:06:59,149 No, not really. 218 00:06:59,184 --> 00:07:00,885 Hey, you see, that's interesting, 219 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,620 Because i'm so thankful for david blaine's book. 220 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,257 And i'm so thankful that he showed me the way to true happiness. 221 00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:06,957 But i think about his plan often- 222 00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:08,294 David blaine is doing a big performance 223 00:07:08,727 --> 00:07:09,994 In denver tomorrow night. 224 00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:11,330 We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you. 225 00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:12,631 He's going to eat his own head. 226 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:14,366 How many tickets can we put you down for? 227 00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,633 Oh, i can't go. 228 00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:17,403 Oh, come on, it will make you a happy person. 229 00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,071 I am happy. 230 00:07:18,106 --> 00:07:18,704 No, you're not. 231 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:19,536 Yes, i am. 232 00:07:19,571 --> 00:07:20,222 No, you're not. 233 00:07:20,257 --> 00:07:20,873 I really am. 234 00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:21,740 No, you're not. 235 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,573 But i am. 236 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:23,007 No, you're not. 237 00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:23,909 All right, two tickets. 238 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:24,777 Great. 239 00:07:25,210 --> 00:07:26,477 That's 15 people we got to agree 240 00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,030 To come see david blaine perform in denver. 241 00:07:28,065 --> 00:07:29,548 Yes, brother kyle, but our work is not over. 242 00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:31,717 We must still recruit ten more audience members 243 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:32,549 In order to get the prize. 244 00:07:32,584 --> 00:07:33,886 I think if we try kenny's neighborhood, 245 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:36,453 We might find that- 246 00:07:36,488 --> 00:07:39,959 Come brother kyle, we have no time for him. 247 00:07:53,405 --> 00:07:54,672 Aah! 248 00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:58,177 You better watch yourself next time, abandoner! 249 00:08:00,779 --> 00:08:02,046 Hi jesus, it's me- 250 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,347 Stan marsh. Stan marsh. 251 00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:05,117 Of course, i know you, my child, come in. 252 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,852 This guy is going around, doing magic tricks 253 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,153 And saying they're miracles. 254 00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:09,420 My friend kyle thinks he's totally awesome. 255 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:11,190 You are good to bring this to my attention, stan. 256 00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:12,890 Cults are a very dangerous thing. 257 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:15,059 I read in the bible that you perform miracles too. 258 00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,262 If you could go in front of these people and do your miracles, 259 00:08:17,696 --> 00:08:19,396 They'll all see that david blaine isn't so special. 260 00:08:19,431 --> 00:08:22,034 The miracle i'm most famous for is turning water into wine. 261 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,300 Can you do it again? 262 00:08:23,335 --> 00:08:25,504 Very well, i shall perform the miracle. 263 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,673 Behold, here you can see ordinary water. 264 00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:28,939 Clear, clean. 265 00:08:28,974 --> 00:08:31,576 Okay, now turn around. 266 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:34,179 Turn-Turn around. 267 00:08:35,914 --> 00:08:37,649 Okay, now turn back. 268 00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:40,035 It is now wine! 269 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:41,952 That's it? 270 00:08:41,987 --> 00:08:43,288 That's how you did that trick? 271 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,555 Well, yeah. 272 00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,724 That trick sucks, jesus. 273 00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:49,795 Oh, i guess it worked a little better on people 2,000 years ago. 274 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,061 Dude, we have to do something. 275 00:08:51,096 --> 00:08:52,831 This guy is performing more miracles in denver tonight. 276 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,133 He's gonna get more followers 277 00:08:54,566 --> 00:08:55,434 And it will be impossible for me to get kyle out. 278 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:56,700 Then let's go. 279 00:08:56,735 --> 00:08:58,037 But dude, i don't think you should do 280 00:08:58,072 --> 00:08:59,338 That lame water to wine trick. 281 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,604 Oh, don't worry. 282 00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:02,808 I have a few more miracles up my sleeve. 283 00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:05,844 This is a really good turnout. 284 00:09:06,278 --> 00:09:07,579 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 285 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,314 David blaine! 286 00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,316 Hello, my children. 287 00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,038 Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence please 288 00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:19,725 As magician david blaine will now eat his own head. 289 00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:33,172 Dude, no way. 290 00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:40,077 Thank you, everyone. 291 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:42,246 Our organization grows larger every day. 292 00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:44,016 Soon the government will even have to give us 293 00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,618 Tax-Exempt status as a bona fide religion. 294 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:47,486 Hold! 295 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,186 It's jesus! 296 00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,522 What's he doing here? 297 00:09:50,956 --> 00:09:51,789 My children 298 00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:53,524 It is time for you to go home 299 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:55,692 And stop following this false prophet. 300 00:09:55,727 --> 00:09:58,330 You should be using your money and time for other things. 301 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:00,065 These are simple magic tricks. 302 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:01,765 His magic is interesting, 303 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,102 But will it put food on your table? 304 00:10:03,535 --> 00:10:06,537 Feeding the hungry- Now,thatis a miracle. 305 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:10,042 Behold, i have here five loaves of bread and three fish, 306 00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:12,211 Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd. 307 00:10:12,644 --> 00:10:15,681 But now, turn around. 308 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,283 Turn around. 309 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:24,790 Okay, now turn back. 310 00:10:27,392 --> 00:10:29,995 Now, how the hell did he do that? 311 00:10:33,031 --> 00:10:34,731 Wow! 312 00:10:34,766 --> 00:10:36,935 Your magic is old and outdated, jesus. 313 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,237 Just like you are. 314 00:10:38,272 --> 00:10:39,503 Oh, really? 315 00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:42,574 Then what's this ace of spades doing behind your ear? 316 00:10:53,852 --> 00:10:55,153 Jesus christ! 317 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,455 He's incredible. 318 00:10:56,889 --> 00:10:58,589 The old religions have failed you. 319 00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:02,528 What have they offered except for war, poverty and sadness? 320 00:11:02,563 --> 00:11:05,130 Blainetology offers you the key to living your life 321 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,449 To the fullest. 322 00:11:06,484 --> 00:11:07,733 Will you join us? 323 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,433 Yes! 324 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:10,986 His magic is too powerful, stanley. 325 00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:12,504 I've never seen anything like it. 326 00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:14,239 Then, what are we gonna do? 327 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,506 I cannot face him alone. 328 00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:18,143 We must get the help of all the super best friends. 329 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,444 Buddha! Buddha, come in! 330 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,312 Super best friends? 331 00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,047 This is buddha, jesus, go ahead. 332 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,313 Buddha, we may have a problem. 333 00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:25,517 I've just encountered a magic i've never seen before. 334 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,252 I'll call everyone together. 335 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,519 Come as fast as you can. 336 00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,156 Come stanley, we must travel far and long. 337 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:31,989 To where? 338 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,193 Distances unfathomable to man. 339 00:11:34,626 --> 00:11:36,361 Yea, take hold of my robe, stanley. 340 00:11:36,795 --> 00:11:38,096 And do not open your eyes. 341 00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:39,796 I am ready. 342 00:11:39,831 --> 00:11:41,567 Are you still keeping your eyes closed? 343 00:11:41,602 --> 00:11:42,833 Yeah. 344 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,470 Good, want some peanuts? 345 00:11:45,904 --> 00:11:47,604 Congratulations, sister. 346 00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:49,157 You have learned the noble truth 347 00:11:49,192 --> 00:11:50,676 And are now a blainetologist. 348 00:11:51,109 --> 00:11:51,942 Everyone! 349 00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:52,844 Everyone gather around. 350 00:11:53,278 --> 00:11:55,013 I have great news for all blainetologists 351 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,713 And for our new members as well. 352 00:11:56,748 --> 00:11:58,917 We've just gotten word from mr. Blaine himself. 353 00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:01,520 The government has denied our church's request 354 00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,255 For tax-Exempt status! 355 00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:05,424 But, we want tax-Exempt status. 356 00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:07,159 Yeah, why is that good news? 357 00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:08,859 Because- 358 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,496 Mr. Blaine has arranged for all blainetologist members 359 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:14,099 From every city and state to march into washington 360 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,702 And demand our right for tax-Exempt status 361 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,304 By committing a mass suicide! 362 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:21,004 Mass suicide? 363 00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:24,075 Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in washington, 364 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,112 We are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife. 365 00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:31,883 Get your things ready, we leave for washington at dawn. 366 00:12:32,317 --> 00:12:33,835 Did you hear that, guys? 367 00:12:33,870 --> 00:12:35,354 We're finally gonna die! 368 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:42,693 All right, stanley, you can open your eyes now. 369 00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,547 This is the hall of the super best friends, stanley. 370 00:12:45,582 --> 00:12:48,367 The headquarters for those who stand for what's right. 371 00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:50,934 Jesus! 372 00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:53,138 We've been working hard since we got your distress call. 373 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,404 Who da kid? 374 00:12:54,439 --> 00:12:57,042 Stanley, i want you to meet some of the super best friends. 375 00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,176 Buddha, with the powers of invisibility. 376 00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:02,247 Mohammed, the muslim prophet with the powers of flame. 377 00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:03,947 Krishna, the hindu diety. 378 00:13:03,982 --> 00:13:05,717 Joseph smith, the mormon prophet. 379 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:07,417 Lao-Tzu, the founder of taoism. 380 00:13:07,452 --> 00:13:10,055 And seaman, with the ability to breathe underwater 381 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,590 And link mentally with fish. 382 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,056 So you mean to tell me that 383 00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:15,260 Even though people fight over different religions, 384 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,394 You guys are actually friends? 385 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:20,465 More than friends, young boy, we are super best friends! 386 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,599 With the desire to fight for justice. 387 00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,803 We all believe in the power of good over evil. 388 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,503 Except for buddha, of course, 389 00:13:26,538 --> 00:13:28,273 He doesn't really believe in evil. 390 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,539 Wow. 391 00:13:29,574 --> 00:13:31,309 Jesus, come look at this. 392 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,045 After your distress call, 393 00:13:33,478 --> 00:13:35,647 We entered david blaine into the super best friends computer. 394 00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:37,382 Many interesting things showed up. 395 00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:39,985 He was raised in new york city by a decent family. 396 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,154 But a freak washing machine accident at the age of 12 397 00:13:42,587 --> 00:13:44,756 Made him learn the ways of the black arts. 398 00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,058 That's right, semen. 399 00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:48,625 Sea-Man. 400 00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:50,395 That's what i said, semen! 401 00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:53,865 Stop it! 402 00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:57,734 Cartman. 403 00:13:57,769 --> 00:13:59,504 Cartman, wake up. 404 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,771 Cartman. 405 00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:02,107 No, paula poundstone leave me alone! 406 00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:03,807 It's just me. 407 00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:06,445 Brother kyle, why do you disturb my rest? 408 00:14:06,878 --> 00:14:09,047 Dude, i don't think i want to be part of this anymore. 409 00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:10,314 What? 410 00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:11,650 I think stan might have been right. 411 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:12,916 Anyway, i think it's going too far. 412 00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:15,987 I mean, if i kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad. 413 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,523 Yeah, i know what you mean. 414 00:14:17,558 --> 00:14:19,024 I don't want to die either. 415 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:20,759 I haven't even got my pubes yet. 416 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,494 I think we should bail. 417 00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:23,760 If we leave the group, 418 00:14:23,795 --> 00:14:25,964 Maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too. 419 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,699 That could be difficult, brother kyle. 420 00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,833 But all right, listen. 421 00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:31,134 Why don't we sleep on it? 422 00:14:31,169 --> 00:14:32,471 If we decide to leave the faction, 423 00:14:32,904 --> 00:14:33,772 We can do it in the morning. 424 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:35,038 Okay. 425 00:14:35,073 --> 00:14:37,025 Okay, you're right. 426 00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:38,977 Oh, cartman... thanks. 427 00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:47,219 Cartman? 428 00:14:48,086 --> 00:14:49,821 What the hell? 429 00:14:51,990 --> 00:14:53,508 ? I told on you? 430 00:14:53,543 --> 00:14:54,991 ? I told on you? 431 00:14:55,026 --> 00:14:56,293 What have you done, cartman? 432 00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:58,497 This is for your own good, brother kyle. 433 00:14:58,532 --> 00:15:00,249 You must understand, brother kyle. 434 00:15:00,284 --> 00:15:01,967 You know too much about the church. 435 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:05,003 If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause. 436 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,703 And you know what else kyle said? 437 00:15:06,738 --> 00:15:10,208 Kyle, he said that if we were all going to commit suicide 438 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,908 That he wouldn't do it. 439 00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:13,210 Cartman, you fat ass tattletale! 440 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,414 At least i'm not the boy in the plastic bubble. 441 00:15:15,449 --> 00:15:17,582 The suicide pact will go as planned. 442 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:21,052 If we die, we all die together. 443 00:15:23,655 --> 00:15:26,691 Meanwhile, at the hall of super best friends... 444 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,392 Look at that, jesus. 445 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,595 His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine. 446 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,131 It appears this david blaine is as dangerous 447 00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:33,632 As you and your young friend had feared. 448 00:15:34,065 --> 00:15:35,332 I knew it. 449 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,102 Here, i have a videotape of his performance the other night. 450 00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:39,271 Perhaps we should have moses look at the tape 451 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,572 And see what he comes up with. 452 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,873 Moses, scan this tape. 453 00:15:42,307 --> 00:15:44,042 Can you tell us the source of blaine's power? 454 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,645 Give me the information. 455 00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:48,779 Wow,themoses. 456 00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:50,514 His magic is a combination of 457 00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:53,585 Centrifugal alignment and slight of hand, 458 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:54,851 Wait a minute. 459 00:15:54,886 --> 00:15:56,153 I'm picking up movement 460 00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:58,573 From blainetologists all over the country. 461 00:15:58,608 --> 00:16:00,959 The blainetologists are heading to washington. 462 00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,225 But why? 463 00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:03,527 Wait a minute. 464 00:16:03,562 --> 00:16:05,297 At his performance, david blaine said something 465 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,032 About trying to get tax-Exempt status. 466 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,298 Oh my god! What? 467 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:09,634 If he gets tax-Exempt status, 468 00:16:10,068 --> 00:16:11,803 Then he'll become a real religion. 469 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,371 He would become unstoppable. 470 00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:16,973 Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, 471 00:16:17,008 --> 00:16:19,394 Blainetologists from all over the country 472 00:16:19,429 --> 00:16:21,745 Have gathered to commit mass suicide. 473 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,781 If the government will not give us tax-Exempt status, 474 00:16:24,816 --> 00:16:27,853 Then we must prove that we are willing to die for our beliefs. 475 00:16:28,286 --> 00:16:30,420 All right, brothers and sisters, gather around. 476 00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:33,057 It's time to drown ourselves in the reflecting pool. 477 00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:35,660 However, the reflecting pool is a little more shallow 478 00:16:36,094 --> 00:16:37,360 Than we originally thought. 479 00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:39,564 So to drown ourselves, you will need to lie on your stomach, 480 00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:42,167 Face down, until you die, as such. 481 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,975 Next! 482 00:16:50,408 --> 00:16:52,143 Meanwhile, at the white house... 483 00:16:52,577 --> 00:16:54,963 Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves. 484 00:16:54,998 --> 00:16:57,349 But we can't give them tax-Exempt status either, carl. 485 00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,049 Hey george, what's going on? 486 00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,469 All right brother kyle, it is time for us to die. 487 00:17:01,504 --> 00:17:03,855 Cartman, we've been brainwashed, don't you see? 488 00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:05,121 We don't have to do this. 489 00:17:05,156 --> 00:17:06,892 But it's the only way for us to be happy! 490 00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:07,759 Cartman, no! 491 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:15,066 Give us what we want or we will continue to die. 492 00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,801 Not so fast, david blaine. 493 00:17:17,235 --> 00:17:18,502 Jesus! Not again. 494 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:21,139 Yes, but this time, i've brought some help. 495 00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:22,839 Super best friends, ho! 496 00:17:22,874 --> 00:17:23,958 Buddha! Mohammed! John smith! 497 00:17:23,993 --> 00:17:25,043 Krishna! Lao-Tzu! Seaman! 498 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:28,513 The mass suicide is over, blaine, and so are you. 499 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,381 I don't think so. 500 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,699 Get them! 501 00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:31,983 Aah! 502 00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:34,586 Ice breath should take care of you. 503 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,755 Kyle, kyle! 504 00:17:37,188 --> 00:17:39,357 Sweet salvation! 505 00:17:41,526 --> 00:17:42,827 Kyle!? 506 00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:48,466 Oh my god, they killed kenny! 507 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,635 You bastards! 508 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,902 Kyle? 509 00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:53,238 Oh my god, they killed kenny! 510 00:17:53,672 --> 00:17:55,372 You bastard! 511 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:58,009 Oh my god, they killed kenny! 512 00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:58,877 That takes care of them. 513 00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:00,577 Now it's your turn, blaine. 514 00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:04,516 Perhaps you need to see some real magic. 515 00:18:07,552 --> 00:18:10,120 Raaaaarh! 516 00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:11,890 Oh, this looks like trouble. 517 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,625 So long, super bestfools! 518 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:14,891 Kyle! Stan! 519 00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:16,227 Kyle, you can't kill yourself. 520 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,494 I don't want to kill myself. 521 00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:19,698 They rigged this thing to fill with water. 522 00:18:21,866 --> 00:18:24,035 We've got to stop that oversized abraham lincoln. 523 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:24,903 Mohammed! 524 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:27,939 Aah! 525 00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:29,240 Great scott! 526 00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:33,578 Okay, try again. 527 00:18:37,048 --> 00:18:38,783 It is too powerful, jesus. 528 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,483 It seems to have no weakness. 529 00:18:40,518 --> 00:18:42,253 There has to be a way to destroy it. 530 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,520 Jesus to moses. 531 00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:46,157 Meanwhile, at the super best friends league... 532 00:18:46,591 --> 00:18:47,459 Come in, moses. 533 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,725 What? 534 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,664 We need to know how to kill a giant stone abraham lincoln. 535 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,798 Umm... 536 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:57,400 Wait a minute, ummm... 537 00:18:57,435 --> 00:19:00,472 A giant stone john wilkes booth? 538 00:19:03,074 --> 00:19:04,376 You heard him, super best friends. 539 00:19:04,809 --> 00:19:07,412 We've got to make a giant stone john wilkes booth. 540 00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,581 Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold. 541 00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,183 Form of a beaver. 542 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:16,955 I will find sources of concrete. 543 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,557 You- Get the water to mix it with,semen. 544 00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:22,993 Using the wood that krishna cut down as a beaver, 545 00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:26,931 Jesus uses his master carpentry skills to make a giant mold. 546 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,233 That should do the trick. 547 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,933 Now for some concrete. 548 00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,137 Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, 549 00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:35,173 Semen seeks out water to mix with the concrete. 550 00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:36,873 Sea-Man! 551 00:19:36,908 --> 00:19:38,174 Look, swallow, 552 00:19:38,209 --> 00:19:39,944 We should be able to divert the water with that pipe. 553 00:19:40,378 --> 00:19:43,848 And so, seaman and swallow get to- Get to work. 554 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:46,451 Kyle, you have to hold your breath. 555 00:19:52,957 --> 00:19:54,693 Oh, very funny. 556 00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:00,765 Lao-Tzu, bring it to life. 557 00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:02,500 Using his power of taoism, 558 00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:07,272 Lao-Tzu becomes one with the giant stone john wilkes booth. 559 00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:12,876 Ah! 560 00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:14,611 It worked. 561 00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:18,116 Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves. 562 00:20:21,152 --> 00:20:22,852 Hey, i was just about to do it. 563 00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:25,490 Later, at the exact same location... 564 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,190 Damn you, super best friends. 565 00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:30,261 Your magic is no match for our powers combined, blaine. 566 00:20:30,695 --> 00:20:33,298 Then i guess you win this time, super best fools. 567 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,033 But i'll be back. 568 00:20:37,202 --> 00:20:38,069 Goddamn it! 569 00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:38,902 It's all right. 570 00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:40,672 Everything is as it should be. 571 00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:42,841 Shut up, buddha. 572 00:20:43,274 --> 00:20:44,358 Our leader, he's- 573 00:20:44,393 --> 00:20:45,443 He's leaving us! 574 00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:47,612 Don't leave us, david blaine. 575 00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:48,913 Listen up, everyone. 576 00:20:49,347 --> 00:20:51,516 You don't need david blaine to tell you how to live. 577 00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:53,685 See, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, 578 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,654 Happiness and maybe even an afterlife. 579 00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,289 But in return, they demand you pay money. 580 00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:58,890 Any religion that requires you to pay money 581 00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:01,458 In order to move up and learn its tenets is wrong. 582 00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:03,661 You see, all religions have something valuable to teach. 583 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,830 But just like the super best friends learned, 584 00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,433 It requires a little bit of them all. 585 00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:10,168 He's right. 586 00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:11,868 He's right! 587 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:13,421 Thanks for saving us, stan. 588 00:21:13,456 --> 00:21:14,904 You'remysuper best friend. 589 00:21:14,939 --> 00:21:16,241 You're my super best friend too, kyle. 590 00:21:16,674 --> 00:21:18,374 Oh, that's so sweet, you guys. 591 00:21:18,409 --> 00:21:21,012 You want to go get a room so you can make out for a while? 592 00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:22,313 Heh-Heh. 593 00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:23,146 Ow! 594 00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:24,482 Ow, stop it! 595 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:27,050 Well, it looks like everything worked out. 596 00:21:27,085 --> 00:21:30,555 And so jesus and his companions leave washington. 597 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:32,689 But their return is assured, 598 00:21:32,724 --> 00:21:34,893 For there will always be a need for... 599 00:21:37,061 --> 00:21:39,664 Captioning made possible by comedy central 600 00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:43,568 Captioned by soundwriters™