1
00:00:31,162 --> 00:00:32,864
Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's.

2
00:00:32,865 --> 00:00:35,669
How spicy would you like me
to make your Chang sauce?

3
00:00:35,849 --> 00:00:38,279
Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.

4
00:00:38,346 --> 00:00:39,960
I know. I'm swamped.

5
00:00:39,988 --> 00:00:42,543
I've got no help here!
- Well what about the new waiter?

6
00:00:42,646 --> 00:00:46,180
The new waiter is useless.
And, I think he's high.

7
00:00:47,299 --> 00:00:50,465
How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?

8
00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:52,535
Will you just place our order, please?

9
00:00:52,563 --> 00:00:55,941
Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.

10
00:00:56,011 --> 00:00:57,279
Everything okay here?

11
00:00:57,354 --> 00:01:01,302
Fine, except this towel has been mixing
Chang sauce for fifteen minutes.

12
00:01:01,344 --> 00:01:02,469
He's clueless!

13
00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:05,537
Don't call me shoeless!
You're shoeless!

14
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,859
Yeah? Well you're a towel!
- You're a towel!

15
00:01:07,899 --> 00:01:10,422
All right, that's it! Get out of here!
You're fired!

16
00:01:10,518 --> 00:01:11,532
Yeah!

17
00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:13,198
Not him, you!

18
00:01:13,351 --> 00:01:14,560
Awww.

19
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,605
Aw man, I really screwed up this time.

20
00:01:19,650 --> 00:01:23,206
The rent's due at the end of the month
and I don't have any money.

21
00:01:23,214 --> 00:01:25,966
I need to shape up
and find a new job, quick.

22
00:01:26,673 --> 00:01:29,677
But first, maybe I'll get a little high.

23
00:01:34,333 --> 00:01:38,932
Wait. Here it goes.
Good ideas comin'.

24
00:01:39,035 --> 00:01:42,497
Yeah. Hey yeah!
I should become a writer!

25
00:01:42,552 --> 00:01:44,579
If I just write a book about my life.

26
00:01:44,580 --> 00:01:48,650
I can get it published and then make
plenty of money to pay rent.

27
00:01:49,282 --> 00:01:52,989
I bet people can't wait to read my memoirs.

28
00:01:53,870 --> 00:02:02,050
A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS
By
Toweleeeie

29
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,284
This is a really good idea...

30
00:02:13,977 --> 00:02:19,060
Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see.
Well, that's quite a fascinating story,

31
00:02:19,115 --> 00:02:23,855
you being engineered as a towel with
a computer chip that determines dryness.

32
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,987
Yep! And it's all true.

33
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:31,005
Chapters 4 through 8, however,
seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips.

34
00:02:31,575 --> 00:02:34,902
I guess I could edit those chapters down some.

35
00:02:34,930 --> 00:02:40,212
Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs.

36
00:02:40,351 --> 00:02:41,934
Huh?
Why not?

37
00:02:41,976 --> 00:02:44,447
Well, just the small trivial fact that...

38
00:02:44,448 --> 00:02:48,031
people aren't interested
in autobiographies of towels.

39
00:02:48,281 --> 00:02:51,613
Wull yeah, but, maybe people
will read my memoirs and like

40
00:02:51,614 --> 00:02:53,864
apply its lessons to their own lives.

41
00:02:53,933 --> 00:02:57,239
No. They won't.
Because they're people.

42
00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:58,781
And you're a towel.

43
00:02:59,457 --> 00:03:00,944
You're a towel!

44
00:03:00,986 --> 00:03:01,778
No.

45
00:03:01,792 --> 00:03:06,085
I'm a big book publisher whi's not
the least bit interested in your stony memoirs.

46
00:03:06,196 --> 00:03:07,460
You're a towel.

47
00:03:11,547 --> 00:03:13,131
Now what am I gonna do?

48
00:03:13,158 --> 00:03:17,353
I gotta pay rent and I just wasted
three weeks writin' my memoirs.

49
00:03:17,503 --> 00:03:21,142
It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible.

50
00:03:21,170 --> 00:03:25,739
I've gotta shape up, focus, an come up
with real solutions to my problems.

51
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:30,115
I'd better get a little high.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't.

52
00:03:30,198 --> 00:03:35,004
But you have to think of somethin' fast,
an' gettin' high makes you smart.

53
00:03:35,254 --> 00:03:40,043
All right, I'll just use my special
gettin'-high powers one more time.

54
00:03:45,939 --> 00:03:51,685
Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course!
That's it! Why didn't I think of it before?

55
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,024
“A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS”

56
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:55,275
Chapter One

57
00:03:56,198 --> 00:04:03,205
All my life I've been a pretty
irresponsible towel... person.

58
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:11,407
I thought I was somehow stronger
and more immune than other towels... people.

59
00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:14,599
This is a really good idea.

60
00:04:18,877 --> 00:04:24,433
Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human
being has led this kind of life, Mr...!

61
00:04:24,683 --> 00:04:27,218
McTowelie.
Steven McTowelie.

62
00:04:27,724 --> 00:04:30,071
It's heartbreaking passages like this one:

63
00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:34,788
"I am a person who often gets hung out
to dry by all those around me."

64
00:04:34,843 --> 00:04:37,354
I know this company would
be honored to publish this book.

65
00:04:37,385 --> 00:04:42,671
I just have one small question first.
You're not... a towel, are you?

66
00:04:44,454 --> 00:04:49,881
No. If I was a towel, why would I be
wearing this hat, an' this fake mustache?

67
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:51,453
Right, I'm sorry.

68
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:53,036
Well Steven, if it's all right with you,

69
00:04:53,037 --> 00:04:55,287
I'm gonna to get our agents
and lawyers on the phone right now.

70
00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:57,500
We're in business, sir.
- Allright!

71
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:05,324
Thank you so much.

72
00:05:06,688 --> 00:05:10,868
Once in a while I come across
a book that is sooo honest

73
00:05:10,869 --> 00:05:14,591
and sooo moving that it changes my life.

74
00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:21,507
"A Million Little Fibers" is the true story
about a man who was born in a laboratory.

75
00:05:21,535 --> 00:05:25,760
Please welcome author Steven McTowelie!

76
00:05:29,445 --> 00:05:32,902
Steven, when I read your book,
I thought to myself,

77
00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:38,428
"How can a human being go through
all this and still turn out okay?"

78
00:05:38,526 --> 00:05:42,464
Well, I guess I'm just
an extra-special tow- person.

79
00:05:42,788 --> 00:05:46,839
You talk in your book how you would sometimes
have to spend days hung up on a rack.

80
00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:49,219
What would that do to you emotionally?

81
00:05:49,326 --> 00:05:55,436
You have been through... so much and I think
that people all over America could benefit...

82
00:05:55,437 --> 00:06:00,349
Oh God, there she goes again,
babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on.

83
00:06:00,376 --> 00:06:03,238
She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!

84
00:06:03,251 --> 00:06:06,210
A life that kept getting up
whenever it was down.

85
00:06:06,251 --> 00:06:08,874
Nobody knows what it's
like to be Oprah's minge.

86
00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:13,131
All she does is work, never gives
her ol' minge a nice rub now and again.

87
00:06:13,214 --> 00:06:17,035
A minge needs attention!
At least a scratch once in a while!

88
00:06:17,186 --> 00:06:19,674
Well Steven, your book hasn't
sold a lot of copies yet,

89
00:06:19,714 --> 00:06:22,076
but I have some pretty exciting news for you!

90
00:06:22,118 --> 00:06:25,090
Used to be a time when Oprah
would play with me night and day.

91
00:06:25,104 --> 00:06:27,800
She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger.

92
00:06:27,939 --> 00:06:32,342
Now I just sit here, in the dark,
not even so much as a pinky!

93
00:06:32,383 --> 00:06:35,828
I should write a book!
Be much more depressin' than his!

94
00:06:35,925 --> 00:06:41,602
And so, Steven, I'm making your book my
official Book of the Month selection!

95
00:06:41,674 --> 00:06:42,632
Really?

96
00:06:43,910 --> 00:06:47,854
Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now.

97
00:07:11,837 --> 00:07:15,948
Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can
get her in as a guest on the 19th.

98
00:07:16,073 --> 00:07:19,237
All right, is John Travolta available
to be a guest the week after that?

99
00:07:19,865 --> 00:07:22,320
Okay, that might work better
since it's Sweeps Week.

100
00:07:22,781 --> 00:07:26,476
Can't take it anymore.
All she ever does is work work work,

101
00:07:26,510 --> 00:07:31,134
never pays attention to the ol' minge.
I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits.

102
00:07:31,162 --> 00:07:33,634
I want attention!
I'm bloody bored!

103
00:07:33,731 --> 00:07:37,245
Oh stop your complainin'!
I'm tryin' to sleep back here.

104
00:07:37,308 --> 00:07:40,619
Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary?
- Yes it's me.

105
00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:45,160
You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't
paid any attention to me in years.

106
00:07:45,244 --> 00:07:50,696
Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole.
I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation.

107
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:53,465
Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard!

108
00:07:53,518 --> 00:07:56,102
I want to travel.
I want to see Paris.

109
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:59,921
I thought lamp was goin' to get better,
but Oprah's always busy.

110
00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:02,774
Werkin' and werkin', diyatin'
and not diyatin'.

111
00:08:02,824 --> 00:08:06,413
I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake
or teaspoons of weedgrass.

112
00:08:06,427 --> 00:08:07,871
She's a a workaholic.

113
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:09,092
Let's face it:

114
00:08:09,093 --> 00:08:12,513
The only way we're ever goin' tuh get any
attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.

115
00:08:12,553 --> 00:08:13,803
Well that'll never happen.

116
00:08:13,846 --> 00:08:16,497
Not unless she gets fired.

117
00:08:16,838 --> 00:08:18,366
Fired... You got a plan, Mingie?

118
00:08:18,574 --> 00:08:22,078
That bloke on the show today,
the one Oprah supported.

119
00:08:22,161 --> 00:08:25,744
'E isn't a bloke at all.
'E's a towel.

120
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,428
Ooo. How d'you know?

121
00:08:27,456 --> 00:08:30,136
I'm a minge.
Minges know a towel when they hear one.

122
00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:35,522
If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion
author is a towel, she'll look right foolish.

123
00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:37,980
Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions.

124
00:08:37,994 --> 00:08:41,063
'Ow do we get proof?
- We get somebody else to do it.

125
00:08:41,202 --> 00:08:44,199
The greatest investigator reporter of our time.

126
00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:48,435
Mr. Rivera.
- What is it, Dimitri?

127
00:08:48,490 --> 00:08:50,353
There's somebody on the phone to speak with you.

128
00:08:50,354 --> 00:08:54,063
He says he has inside information for you
that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.

129
00:08:56,713 --> 00:08:59,366
Thith ith Geraldo.
- 'Allo 'Eraldo.

130
00:08:59,421 --> 00:09:02,681
I've got some information for
you ya might find interestin'.

131
00:09:02,682 --> 00:09:05,446
It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.

132
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:08,904
Who am I thpeaking with?!
- 'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with.

133
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,273
Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah.

134
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,481
You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya?

135
00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:16,240
What information do you have?

136
00:09:16,342 --> 00:09:19,384
What'd 'e say?
- He wants to know what information we have.

137
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,709
Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary!
Don't wait for me 'o ask you "wha' 'e say?"!

138
00:09:22,737 --> 00:09:26,251
Stop wastin' my time.
- Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary!

139
00:09:26,279 --> 00:09:29,379
I didn't say "stop wastin' my time",
Geraldo did.

140
00:09:29,431 --> 00:09:30,667
What ith going on here?!

141
00:09:30,681 --> 00:09:34,228
Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'.
Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk.

142
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,465
Hallo?
- Who ith thith?

143
00:09:38,715 --> 00:09:41,437
This is Gary.
- Gary who?! What is your last name?!

144
00:09:41,687 --> 00:09:44,111
Don't give away your name.
We don't want anyone to know where we are.

145
00:09:44,152 --> 00:09:48,611
A'right, look. All you need to know is
that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.

146
00:09:48,652 --> 00:09:51,861
Aw you stupid twit!
- Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!

147
00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:54,083
He didn't call you "stupid twit," I did!

148
00:09:54,092 --> 00:09:55,397
Now just tell 'im this:

149
00:09:56,911 --> 00:10:01,301
The writer of the book on Oprah's
Book of the Month Club is a phonih.

150
00:10:01,328 --> 00:10:04,462
He's not a person at all.
He's a towel.

151
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:05,620
A towel?

152
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,600
A talking towel?
That doethn't make any sense.

153
00:10:08,770 --> 00:10:11,131
Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised
at things that can talk.

154
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,923
You'd be surprised at things that can talk.

155
00:10:13,937 --> 00:10:15,923
What proof do you have of this accusation?!

156
00:10:16,692 --> 00:10:19,257
Just look into the author
of "A Million Little Fiyabers"

157
00:10:19,257 --> 00:10:21,006
and you'll discover the truth.

158
00:10:21,025 --> 00:10:22,803
And how do I go about that?

159
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:25,754
Hello?
Hello?!

160
00:10:26,385 --> 00:10:28,860
This is Larry King Live.

161
00:10:29,385 --> 00:10:31,631
My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie,

162
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,396
author of the acclaimed book,
"A Million Little Fibers".

163
00:10:34,535 --> 00:10:36,062
How are you tonight, Steven?

164
00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:38,562
Well Larry, I'm a little high.

165
00:10:38,993 --> 00:10:41,014
Your book has helped
a lot of people beat addiction.

166
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,112
What made you write it?

167
00:10:42,172 --> 00:10:45,945
Well Larry, I was really just
writin' down my memoirs as I-

168
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,265
What?
What's that?

169
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:50,972
Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand
that we have a special report coming in.

170
00:10:50,973 --> 00:10:54,573
Joining us live from Afghanistan,
here is Geraldo Rivera.

171
00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:58,612
Hello?
Larry, are you receiving me?

172
00:10:58,751 --> 00:11:00,974
We're here, Geraldo.
You're live on the show.

173
00:11:01,015 --> 00:11:05,040
Larry, this brave reporter has been
days investigating and researching

174
00:11:05,068 --> 00:11:07,317
and I have come up with a shocking discovery

175
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,929
that is going to rock the balls
and ass of the literary world!

176
00:11:10,943 --> 00:11:14,297
Steven McTowelie,
author of "A Million Little Fibers"

177
00:11:14,587 --> 00:11:16,116
Is a towel!

178
00:11:17,269 --> 00:11:18,491
You're a towel.

179
00:11:18,616 --> 00:11:20,560
No, you're a towel.

180
00:11:20,852 --> 00:11:22,553
Well you're a beaner towel.

181
00:11:22,630 --> 00:11:23,852
What did you say?

182
00:11:24,032 --> 00:11:26,066
I'm sorry.
I'm high.

183
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:27,977
This looks pretty bad, Oprah.

184
00:11:28,074 --> 00:11:31,159
Your fans look to you
to be all-knowing and all-seeing

185
00:11:31,187 --> 00:11:34,548
and you've just spent two weeks
supporting a lying racist towel.

186
00:11:34,978 --> 00:11:36,284
'E did it, Gary!

187
00:11:36,326 --> 00:11:38,006
'Eraldo got the proof!

188
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,062
Oprah's got egg all over her face!

189
00:11:40,103 --> 00:11:41,701
She'll have to retire!

190
00:11:41,764 --> 00:11:43,868
It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary.

191
00:11:43,882 --> 00:11:47,660
Without 'er career 'o worry about,
Oprah's sure to travel the world!

192
00:11:47,812 --> 00:11:49,757
Enjoy the finer things in life!

193
00:11:49,799 --> 00:11:51,098
She'll spend hours just...

194
00:11:51,112 --> 00:11:52,577
playin' with 'er own minge!

195
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,368
And her Gary too.

196
00:11:54,466 --> 00:11:55,896
Sure. And 'er Gary.

197
00:11:55,952 --> 00:11:57,007
We did it, mate!

198
00:11:57,549 --> 00:11:59,646
Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do.

199
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:00,837
What's the big deal?

200
00:12:00,893 --> 00:12:04,365
His book helped people.
Why does it matter than he made some stuff up?

201
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,571
Are people really going to be that mad?

202
00:12:12,957 --> 00:12:15,345
Your book got me to give up alcohol!

203
00:12:15,346 --> 00:12:17,280
But I thought you were a person!

204
00:12:17,443 --> 00:12:20,402
Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!

205
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:25,840
No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?
No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?

206
00:12:26,201 --> 00:12:29,284
Oh God, I'm really in trouble now.

207
00:12:31,309 --> 00:12:32,014
Hello?

208
00:12:32,550 --> 00:12:33,908
Steven, it's Oprah.

209
00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:36,140
Can you come on my show again tomorrow?

210
00:12:36,303 --> 00:12:37,045
Why?

211
00:12:37,351 --> 00:12:41,243
We need to tell the audience why you
changed some of the facts in your book

212
00:12:41,244 --> 00:12:44,035
that you thought it necessary
to "heighten" certain things

213
00:12:44,036 --> 00:12:46,897
to make the book more relevant to people.

214
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,861
Hey yeah.

215
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,957
Just come on the show
and explain in a very level-headed way

216
00:12:51,958 --> 00:12:55,916
that changing some facts shouldn't matter
if the book helps people, okay?

217
00:12:55,972 --> 00:12:56,944
Okay.

218
00:12:57,055 --> 00:12:58,166
Thanks Oprah!

219
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,980
You're a real friend.

220
00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:01,417
See you tomorrow.

221
00:13:02,287 --> 00:13:04,412
All right, I got one chance here.

222
00:13:04,454 --> 00:13:07,115
I need to focus and come up
with what I'm gonna say.

223
00:13:07,212 --> 00:13:09,059
Maybe I should get a little high.

224
00:13:09,407 --> 00:13:10,587
No! Wait a minute!

225
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,712
I'm not going to get high this time.

226
00:13:12,837 --> 00:13:17,254
Aw, come on. You need to come up
with ideas of what to say on Oprah.

227
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:21,091
But, the ideas I come up with when
I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble.

228
00:13:21,466 --> 00:13:25,499
Yeah. That's why you
should only get a little high.

229
00:13:25,879 --> 00:13:28,477
Well, maybe just a little high.

230
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,793
Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie

231
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whose memoirs many of you purchased after
I made it my Book of the Month Selection.

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Ya hear that, Gary?
Nobody's applaudin'!

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Yeah! They're all right pissed off!
This is great!

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Now, it turns out that
your name isn't really Steven.

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It's Towelie, correct?

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Yeah.

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And you are a towel.

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Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.

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Can you explain to the audience why
you said you weren't a towel before?

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Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh

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woo dat all like...

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It's like...

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Was it that you thought embellishing
the story was okay if it helped people?

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Yeah.
Yeah, that's it!

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Well you know what I think, Towelie?

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I think you're a lying sack of shit!

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You lied to all these people and for what?!

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To make money!

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They bought your book thinking it was true!

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That's right!
- Yeah.

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But I thought you said-

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How dare you like to me
and make me look foolish?!

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What's this?
What's she doin'?

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I don't understand, Mingie.

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You think writing is a joke,
you stupid towel?!

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Yeah, you you get him, Oprah!
- Yeah!

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You will not get away with this!

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She's getting everyone back on 'er side!

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Oh, tha' clever cow!

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You lied to me, Towelie!
And therefore you have lied to America!

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We are going to rise up against you!

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Yeah!
Yeah!

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Is this audience ready for
a good old-fashioned lynching?!

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Yeah!

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Audience, if you look under your seats,
you'll find your very own torches!

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Minge, does this mean
I have to wait to see Paris?

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There's not gonna be any Paris!
Don't you get it, Gary?!

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The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again!

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She'll be workin' more than ever now!

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Our plan is ruined!

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No!

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We'll give you a five-second headstart.

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One.
Two.

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Let's get him!

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Burn him!
Burn the towel!

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Burn that which lies to Oprah!

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Looks like your time is up, Towelie!

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I've led my adoring fans right to you!

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All right, Oprah!

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I've shown my fans that... ugh!

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All right!
Everyone back!

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Get back I said!

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What the hell is this?!

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Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

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Mingie, what're you doin'?

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Gettin' ou'a here Gary!

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One way or another!

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What is going on?!

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Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow
or so help me I'll blow your brains out!

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I want a chooper!
You got that?!

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And a jet waiting at the airport!

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Mingie, have you lost your mind?

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Come on, Gary!
You said you always wanted to see Paris!

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Not like this, Mingie.
Not like this!

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All right, gig is up.
Put down the gun!

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Stay back, mate!

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Drop the gun and step away.

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I'm warnin' you!

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Put it down, I said-

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Jesus Minge! You killed him!
You shot him dead!

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No turnin' back now, Gary.

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Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh.

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Oh keep your head, Gary.

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I can't, uh...
I'm goinna puke!

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Ah, Gary, that smells awful!
Now I'm gonna throw up!

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Try to leave and I'll shoot you too!

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You hostages aren't goin' anywhere
till we get what we want!

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Oh my God, what are we goinna do?

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You got us into this, towel.
Think of somethin'!

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All right, I'm gonna get a little high.

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No! No I'm not gonna get high!

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Every time I get high, I come up with
ideas that get me in more trouble.

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I'm not gettin' high this time!

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I'm standing in the business
district of central Chicago

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where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer
and taken several people hostage.

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It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's
asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.

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Got the walkie-talkie you asked for.

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Put it underneath me.

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Slowly, mate, slowly!

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Now back off.

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All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button.

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This is Oprah's minge!
- Hello, I'm Lieutenant Nelson.

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What are your demands?

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I want a chopper and a jet waiting at
the airport to take us to France!

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Plus we need some fresh knickers right away.

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All right, how about fresh
underwear for one hostage.

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I'm not playing games with you, mate!

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Gary's drownin' in his own sick!

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All right, we'll work on it.
Don't do anything foolish.

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We don't have any time, this is the most
unstable vagina I've ever talked to.

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O'Reilly, you got a shot?

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I got it.

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Not with those hostages so close!
It's too risky!

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Oh just put down the gun, Mingie.
Maybe they'll go easy on us.

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Don't be stupid, Gary.

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I've got a policeman.
They'll fry me, lock you up for life.

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Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared.

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We're gonna get out of here, mate.
Just leave it to me.

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Oprah's vagina,
this is your last warning!

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Put down the gun!

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If that chopper isn't here
in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage!

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Hey wait a minute.

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I mean it! Hostages are gonna
start dyin' if you don't listen!

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Hostages are clear!

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All right, that's it.
Take it out!

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What the? Haha! You missed me,
you stewpid buggers!

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You see that Gary?
They can't even aim!

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Min... Mingie.
- Gary, what's, what's wrong?

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They got me, Mingie.

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No... Oh no!

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Aye. They got me bad.
Oh, the blood.

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Try to hang on, Gary!

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It's gettin' dark, Minge.

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Oh Gary!
What have I gotten ya into?

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I've seen muh life flash before me eyes.

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Mingie!

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I'm 'ere, Gary!

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Where... where are we, Mingie?

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Are we in Paris?

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Yeah.
Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.

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Is it as wonderful as I 'oped?

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Ih, it's beautiful.
We've finally made it!

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Tell me what you see, Mingie.

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Well, there's the...
Eiffel Tower right in front of us.

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The Louvre, right over there behind ya.

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And fresh baguettes all around.

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Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie.

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At least I got to see Paris before I-

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Gary?
Gary, say somethin'.

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You killed him, you bastards!

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He didn't even want any part in this!

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This is all your fault, you stupid cow!

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You never gave your ol' Gary
the time of day and now he's gone!

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Life ain't worth livin' any more!

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What's the use?!

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I'm comin' to see you, Gary!
I'm comin' to see ya!

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No!
Don't!

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00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,113
Oprah's going to be okay.

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Wish I could say the same
for her vagina and asshole.

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That's a great idea you had
to sneak the hostages inside the bank.

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Yeah, it sure was.

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We're sorry we tried to burn you
and murder you before.

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00:21:20,598 --> 00:21:21,977
Aw, that's okay.

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This whole thing was my fault.

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I learned that I shouldn't get
high to come up with ideas.

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I should come up with ideas
and then get high, to reward myself.

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You said it.

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Transcipt: spscriptorium
Sync: John Smith