1 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,662 He's a madman! 2 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,458 I must warn the president! 3 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,296 Giant spider! 4 00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:02,478 And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart. 5 00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,995 The legendary Captain James West. 6 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,248 And I finally got him all to myself. 7 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:30,835 And surely you should feel free to treat him just... 8 00:03:31,587 --> 00:03:32,920 -...bad. -Ohh. 9 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:43,973 Um.... 10 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,267 Darling.... 11 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,479 Hold on to that for me for one second, would you? 12 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:59,989 General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all for a week, you show up now. 13 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:04,285 Jim. You wouldn't be working up here tonight, now would you? 14 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:08,956 Working? Now would you be working if you were up here with you? 15 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,917 I didn't think so. 16 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,629 Wagon's coming! 17 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,763 Come on, McGrath's waiting on this stuff. 18 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,650 Pack it up good, Virgil. 19 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,485 Next stop, New Orleans. 20 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,710 I'm not working! 21 00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,754 Problem solved. 22 00:04:56,964 --> 00:05:01,676 You can't just ram a man's personal things into some hole like that. 23 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,552 Is that so? 24 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,721 I didn't mean it like that. 25 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,974 Damn, this crate's heavy! 26 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,980 Oh, Jim! 27 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,317 Much as I'd like to take credit for that, you might wanna hand me my gun. 28 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:27,952 Uh-oh! 29 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,425 Whoo! 30 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,971 That was fun! Which one of you boys wants to strip down and go next? 31 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,765 Bet you do. Huh? 32 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,603 Sure could use some clothes here! 33 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,027 Well, well. 34 00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:02,945 We got us a shy nig-- 35 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:11,871 Pants! 36 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,325 There was blood on the saddle 37 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,243 And blood on the ground 38 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,163 And a great big puddle of blood 39 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,998 All around 40 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:09,470 Oh, I'm so sorry. That won't be possible. I have... 41 00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:11,013 ...tonsillitis. 42 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,856 I'm still waiting on my guns and ammunition. 43 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,275 I see my men have brought your merchandise. 44 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,069 General McGrath... 45 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,863 ...your weapons are being delivered as we speak. 46 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:31,242 Now, shall we go upstairs and check the merchandise? 47 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,245 Direct me to the poot, sir. 48 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,039 I want something young and creamy. 49 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,501 A gamer that takes to the crop and the spur. 50 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,212 You drive a hard bargain. All right, 50 cents. 51 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,715 I'm very flattered, but I'm just not interested. 52 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,260 You gotta be interested. You're a whore! 53 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:53,722 I may be a whore, but I work alone! 54 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,452 Now I'm working. 55 00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:27,840 Ma'am. 56 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,055 Nitro! 57 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:40,060 This is not the way you transport nitro! 58 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,980 Whoa! 59 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,942 What's your name, missy? 60 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,526 Dora. 61 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,862 My mother's name was Dora. 62 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,656 Oh, really? 63 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,700 What kind of lady are you? 64 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,496 She's mine! 65 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,792 I feel like a ditty. 66 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,919 Go on, girl! Sing! 67 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,964 Okay, it's a ditty. 68 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,549 "Sons of the South." 69 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,510 Here you are. 70 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,724 Ohh. 71 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:02,977 Tempo. 72 00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:07,856 Whoa! 73 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,276 Whoa! 74 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,789 All right. Okay.... 75 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,457 Back on up now. 76 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,640 General "Bloodbath" McGrath. 77 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,436 Sons of the South, come to glory 78 00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,271 Sons of the South 79 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,064 Arise 80 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,068 Sons of the South, come to glory 81 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:57,156 Come, come, come, arise 82 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,965 That's a lot of ham for these skinny legs, let me tell you! 83 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,846 Oh! 84 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:22,598 That's a new one. Look! 85 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,728 Let me out! Please! 86 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,439 -This room's occupied. -I'll say. 87 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,656 Don't let the ear frighten you. 88 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,450 I lost it at Chickamauga. 89 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,410 Really? One can hardly notice. 90 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:47,539 Would you help me undress? I always have trouble undoing this clasp. 91 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,208 Thank you. 92 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,171 What's this? 93 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,632 Why, it's a deep, deep pool. 94 00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:01,220 Maybe it's your old swimming hole, general. Are you feeling sleepy? 95 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,763 Yes, I'm sleepy. 96 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,349 Now you'll be my little doggy. 97 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,602 When I say "speak," you'll tell me everything. Understood? 98 00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:12,314 Very good. Tell me, who's in that sack in the other room? 99 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,691 Which scientist is it? Dr. Escobar? Speak. 100 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,613 You can speak words, you stupid mutt. 101 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,741 Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Escobar? 102 00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,036 No, watch the swirling spiral. Watch the-- 103 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,329 Bad dog! 104 00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,998 Bad dog! Watch-- Oh. Damn! 105 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,667 Stay! Stay! 106 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,836 Bad dog! 107 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,218 Didn't mean to startle you. Looked like you could use help. 108 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,804 Looks can be deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine. 109 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:45,389 I'm sure you are, ma'am. 110 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:49,268 Big, sturdy gal like you probably gets top dollar too. 111 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,520 Here you go. 112 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,899 Run along. I'm gonna sing my old friend McGrath a lullaby. 113 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,526 I need him! 114 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:01,530 You got your money. Run along! Have a little dignity. 115 00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:02,865 West! 116 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,582 West! 117 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,964 That'd be an awful career decision. 118 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,101 West! West! Go! Go get him! 119 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,450 Get Escobar out of here! 120 00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,577 Stop or I'll squeeze. 121 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:53,916 U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, lady! 122 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,918 I'm not a lady! I'm a U.S. marshal! 123 00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,003 Stay out of my way! 124 00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:01,757 "Get out of my way, get out of my way. 125 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,842 U.S. Army. 126 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,427 U.S. marshal." 127 00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,137 Oh, dear! 128 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,766 Federal agents inside, sir. 129 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,770 So Miss Lippenreider informs me, Mr. Hudson. 130 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,193 Still, I believe good manners dictate... 131 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:24,196 ...that we should send out the welcome wagon. 132 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:34,706 Now what? 133 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,906 Whoa. 134 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,512 Whoa, there, partner! 135 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,056 The war may have got you 40 acres and a mule... 136 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:37,144 ...but you can't just traipse into the president's office. Give me that gun. 137 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,229 What, that one? 138 00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,398 What about that one? 139 00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,612 Whoop! 140 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,864 -That'll get you killed. - Gentlemen! 141 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:52,576 Don't make Captain West any later than he already is. 142 00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,291 There've been a lot of death threats. 143 00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:02,377 The Cabinet made me hire these damned detectives. 144 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,464 Drink? Cigar? 145 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,507 Don't mind if I do, sir. 146 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,636 So I understand you let General McGrath get away. 147 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,096 That's not exactly the way it happened. 148 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,642 -Some half-a-sissy masquerading as-- -Artemus Gordon. 149 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,060 You know him? 150 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:21,688 Of course. He's the best marshal I've got. A kind of genius. 151 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:26,610 Gordon has proven himself as a cunning operator, with a rapacious intellect. 152 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,488 Nothing will stop him from completing a mission... 153 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:33,283 ...except maybe the impulsive actions of a headstrong cowboy. 154 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,410 Who are you, mister? 155 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,704 What do you mean, who am I? 156 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,040 I am the President of the United States. 157 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,541 Wrong answer. 158 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,588 Who are you? 159 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,967 I am the President of the-- I'm Artemus Gordon. 160 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,261 How did you know? 161 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,933 The President went to West Point. That says Harvard. 162 00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,768 Very observant. 163 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,190 Somebody mind telling me what's going on? 164 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,025 President Grant, um.... 165 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,445 Sir, these are perilous times. 166 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:14,408 I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise... 167 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,745 ...could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir. 168 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,374 You're clever, Gordon. One day it's going to get you killed. 169 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,793 Like today. 170 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:30,841 And, West, not every situation calls for your approach of "shoot first... 171 00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,843 ...shoot later, shoot some more... 172 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,221 ...then when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two." 173 00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,223 Working together will be good. 174 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,600 -Working together? -With all due respect-- 175 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,729 You'll work the way your Commander in Chief tells you to. 176 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,440 Well, I was coming to that, sir. 177 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:58,285 Gentlemen, America's top scientists... 178 00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,288 ...in the fields of physics, hydraulics, explosives... 179 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:06,126 ...all kidnapped in the last year, and all by General McGrath, it now appears. 180 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,546 You two have been working on the same case the whole time. 181 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,340 Why did it take so long to figure it out? 182 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,470 One of us was trying to catch McGrath, and the other was trying to marry him. 183 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,096 We don't have time for this. 184 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,349 Only one week, if we believe this. 185 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,853 "General Grant, the scientists you seek... 186 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,647 ...are in my employ creating a weapons system... 187 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,317 ...beyond the pale of contemporary imagination. 188 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,986 I suggest you put your affairs in order. 189 00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,865 You have one week before you will surrender the U.S. government." 190 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:40,160 The letter was delivered today with that cake. 191 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,207 -It's marzipan, isn't it? - Careful. 192 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,252 It's McGrath, sir. 193 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,714 McGrath may be a vicious killer, but a mastermind he is not. 194 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,176 So whom do we seek? After consulting with Intelligence-- 195 00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:59,346 McGrath is on his way to New Orleans. The longer we stay here... 196 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,973 ...the farther he gets. I don't need Intelligence. 197 00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:03,850 You'd rather rely on stupidity. 198 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,936 I am leaving today for Utah... 199 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:10,065 ...where the transcontinental railroads will be joined at Promontory Point. 200 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,567 You two are the best I've got. 201 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,778 Put aside your differences... 202 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:18,532 ...and find this madman, whoever he is, and stop him. 203 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,867 You have one week. 204 00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,410 Dismissed. 205 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,545 Gentlemen. 206 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,839 The Wanderer is at your disposal. 207 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,216 Engine number five, track six. 208 00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,427 Mr. Gordon, the item you requested. 209 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,263 Thank you. 210 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,687 -Figures. -My new invention. 211 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:53,817 The Bi-Valve Interior Combustion Twice-Exhausted Bi-Axle Nitro-Cycle. 212 00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,945 Save it. Got a train to catch. Hyah! 213 00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,992 Not if I catch it first. 214 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,207 Avanti! 215 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,600 Nice horse! 216 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,247 Gordon! 217 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,666 Gordon! 218 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,838 Stop the train! 219 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,555 Hey! I'm warning you! 220 00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,265 Gordon! Stop the train! 221 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,893 Come in. Have a seat. 222 00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,978 Stop the train! 223 00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:14,314 Stop smiling at me! 224 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,451 How nice of you to drop in. 225 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,411 All right.... 226 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:33,959 Let's drop the beards, the bikes, the fake boobies. 227 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,337 Let's set that needlepoint aside and handle this like men. 228 00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:40,882 As a matter of clarification, this is not needlepoint. 229 00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,176 This is needlepoint. 230 00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,513 I'm putting the final touches on my latest invention. 231 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,848 I call it The Impermeable. 232 00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,892 It's a vest. When worn under clothing... 233 00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:54,229 ...it can stop any bullet, fired even at close range. 234 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,815 -Is that so? -But I haven't tested it fully yet. 235 00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:58,024 Guns. 236 00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:02,696 I find them primitive and unnecessary if one's done one's proper planning. 237 00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:07,367 I have always felt that allowing any situation to degenerate into violence... 238 00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:09,661 ...constitutes a failure on my part. 239 00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:10,996 Well, Mr. Gordon... 240 00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,706 ...you failed. 241 00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:20,964 All right, Mr. West, we'll settle this... 242 00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,091 ...like men. 243 00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:39,441 Ding! 244 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,489 I love this train. 245 00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:50,910 -Cheers! -Gordon! 246 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,414 While you're down there, feel free to make use... 247 00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:57,584 ...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-Rail Vehicular Egressor. 248 00:22:58,044 --> 00:22:59,794 I designed it myself! 249 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:06,217 I've been thinking. Maybe the president's right. 250 00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:10,221 We should put aside our differences and work together. 251 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:16,102 Fight each other all you please. Harm my train, I'll douse you like dogs. 252 00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:18,313 That's my truffle reduction sauce. 253 00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:22,192 Let's get on about our president's business, shall we? 254 00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,152 -Where to? -New Orleans. 255 00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,738 -Why don't we let Professor Morton decide? - Who? 256 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:30,283 I don't need some nobody professor telling me where to head. 257 00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:35,413 Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton, kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago. 258 00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:40,293 Expert in the field of metallurgy. Discovered in a field of alfalfa. 259 00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:42,462 That's a man's head. 260 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:47,175 This magnetic collar was found about six feet away, near his body. 261 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,219 Still trying to figure that out. 262 00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:50,595 That's a man's head. 263 00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:55,391 According to the Retinal Terminus Theory, a dying person's last image... 264 00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,937 ...burns into his eyeball like a photo. Perhaps there's a clue. 265 00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:02,315 I give you Morton's last image. 266 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:06,069 That's a man's head. 267 00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:18,790 Refraction of the lenses causes the image to appear upside down, so we simply.... 268 00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:28,800 That... 269 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,761 ...is a man's... 270 00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:35,974 ...head. 271 00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,059 Voilà! 272 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,146 McGrath. 273 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,857 Something's in his pocket. It's too fuzzy to see. 274 00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,359 Mortification of the aqueous humor's led to a loss-- 275 00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:47,694 Glasses. 276 00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:58,288 "Friends of the South, come to a costume ball, April 14, half past 8. 277 00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,165 346 Pine Court, Garden District." 278 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,709 New Orleans. 279 00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:19,684 Gypsy queen...pirate.... 280 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:22,854 Ah. How about this? Come as my manservant. 281 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,440 Why, yes'um, Master Gordon! 282 00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:29,611 I swears I'd be delighted! I sing, I dance for you, sir. 283 00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:33,990 I swears none of the white folks'll know I'd rather shoot myself... 284 00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,326 ...than play your damn manservant. 285 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,578 You must wear something. It's a costume party. 286 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,538 This is all I need to wear. 287 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,790 If you insist on a firearm, I have something... 288 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,710 ...you'll find intriguing. I designed it to go... 289 00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:47,545 ...with this. 290 00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,840 Jim West does not wear costumes. 291 00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,717 Very well. What's your plan? 292 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:56,012 I was thinking I'd go as a government agent... 293 00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,389 ...who'll kill General Bloodbath McGrath. 294 00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:02,602 An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white former slave owners. 295 00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,187 You'll win first prize. 296 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:07,982 Listen, the art of disguise is what we need to get into the party... 297 00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:10,193 ...to find the kidnapped scientists... 298 00:26:10,444 --> 00:26:13,988 ...before they're forced to create something that'll destroy the U.S. 299 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,991 You and I have been handpicked by the president. 300 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:20,954 Our freedom is at stake, and this is our duty as men. 301 00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:23,957 You go as a riverboat captain, and I'll be a saloon girl. 302 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:27,418 Let me tell you something about your art of disguise. 303 00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:31,047 That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficult to see you weren't a woman. 304 00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:33,132 I was propositioned by three men. 305 00:26:33,384 --> 00:26:34,801 You looked nasty. 306 00:26:35,052 --> 00:26:36,678 Just butt-ugly. 307 00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:39,555 I mean, your breasts were hard and stiff... 308 00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,934 ...and stuck out like a couple of rusty cannons on a sunken ship. 309 00:26:43,185 --> 00:26:45,561 These breasts are a work of art. 310 00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,189 Aesthetically and scientifically perfect. 311 00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:49,899 They look like shit. 312 00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:53,653 -Touch them. -I'm not touching those. 313 00:26:53,904 --> 00:26:55,697 Afraid you're wrong? Touch my breasts! 314 00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,740 Just one. Touch one! 315 00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:00,660 Happy? I'm touching them. 316 00:27:00,911 --> 00:27:02,036 I knew it! 317 00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:03,705 Squeeze it gently. 318 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,417 Not that hard! Now you've shifted all the buckwheat around. 319 00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,294 Buckwheat? That's your problem. 320 00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:11,713 What are you doing? 321 00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,142 Now touch my breast. 322 00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:31,274 -Oh. -Eh? That's what a breast should feel like. 323 00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,650 Very nice. 324 00:27:33,027 --> 00:27:36,446 - Now touch yourself. - Oh, my God, I'm hard! 325 00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:42,618 I was just gonna jot down a note. 326 00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,707 You could put a gun on that. 327 00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:49,876 Then where would I keep my pencil? 328 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:54,130 I think you underestimate the convenience of a pocket. 329 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:25,411 What are you doing here, boy? 330 00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:27,705 I sorry, sir. 331 00:28:28,207 --> 00:28:29,374 I was hoping.... 332 00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:31,918 I was hoping I wouldn't... 333 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,129 ...have to break your nose. 334 00:28:50,896 --> 00:28:52,271 White folks. 335 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,858 Get your hands off me! 336 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,862 Put me in the dungeon with those smelly, bearded men, but I won't get on that! 337 00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,240 -You applied for the position. -A standing-up one! 338 00:29:02,825 --> 00:29:04,409 I'm an entertainer. 339 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:10,415 Stop complaining. You'll enjoy it. 340 00:29:22,136 --> 00:29:26,431 An authentic cowboy outfit, complete with six-guns. 341 00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:29,976 What a terribly clever costume, Mr...? 342 00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:31,185 West. 343 00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,522 -Jim West. -West. 344 00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:37,400 Well, West meets East. 345 00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:40,319 -Mae Lee East. -Ma'am. 346 00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,031 Are you here alone, Mr. West? 347 00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:49,162 I'm looking to surprise an old friend, General McGrath. You haven't seen him? 348 00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:53,124 I don't think that name was on our guest list. And I would know. 349 00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:56,294 I am Dr. Loveless' personal assistant. 350 00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,212 Dr. Arliss Loveless? 351 00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:00,256 Funny how some folks think he's dead. 352 00:30:00,591 --> 00:30:03,843 Tonight is his coming-out party. 353 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:10,808 See anybody that looks familiar? 354 00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:13,853 Matter of fact, I do. 355 00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:15,354 I am jealous. 356 00:30:15,606 --> 00:30:16,772 Don't be. 357 00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:24,489 Meet me later in the foyer. 358 00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:32,538 Mine eyes have seen the glory 359 00:30:32,706 --> 00:30:34,540 Of the coming of the Lord 360 00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:39,170 He is trampling out the vintage Where the grapes of wrath are stored 361 00:30:39,421 --> 00:30:43,883 He has loosed the fateful lightning Of His terrible swift sword 362 00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:48,804 His truth is marching on 363 00:31:06,198 --> 00:31:10,034 Don't you just hate that song? 364 00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:21,546 Why, y'all look like you've seen a ghost. 365 00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:25,007 It's me, dear friends. 366 00:31:25,759 --> 00:31:27,760 Alive and kicking. 367 00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:31,097 Well, alive, anyway. 368 00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,432 We may have lost the war... 369 00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:37,311 ...but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor. 370 00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:41,857 No, not even when we lost a lung... 371 00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:43,693 ...a spleen... 372 00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,486 ...a bladder... 373 00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:47,697 ...two legs... 374 00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,908 ...35 feet of small intestine... 375 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:55,871 ...and our ability to reproduce, all in the name of the South! 376 00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:59,458 Do we ever lose our sense of humor? 377 00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,131 Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude... 378 00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:08,426 ...to our friends from across the sea for their comfort... 379 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,511 ...and kindness. 380 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,307 So mi casa es su casa! 381 00:32:17,227 --> 00:32:20,605 Let the party begin! 382 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:24,984 Mr. West. 383 00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,407 How nice of you to join us... 384 00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:34,493 ...and add color to these monochromatic proceedings. 385 00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:36,245 When one comes back from the dead... 386 00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:39,123 ...I find that an occasion to stand up, be counted. 387 00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:44,712 Miss East informs me that you expected to see General McGrath here. 388 00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:46,255 I knew him years ago... 389 00:32:46,465 --> 00:32:50,051 ...but I haven't seen him in a coon's age. 390 00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:53,512 It'd be difficult for a man of your stature... 391 00:32:53,764 --> 00:32:56,015 ...to keep in touch with even half the people you know. 392 00:32:56,850 --> 00:33:01,437 Perhaps Miss East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment. 393 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:04,607 Beautiful women encourage you one minute... 394 00:33:04,858 --> 00:33:06,817 ...then cut the legs out from under you. 395 00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,111 Quite. Will you excuse me? 396 00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:11,906 Thank you. 397 00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:35,388 - General McGrath. - Yes, sir. 398 00:33:49,903 --> 00:33:53,197 You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle. 399 00:33:54,991 --> 00:33:56,617 Stupid cowboy! 400 00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:58,994 He mistake you for me. 401 00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:09,255 Dr. Loveless, our cause is in a grave situation. 402 00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:13,843 Since the nitro and guns were destroyed, lice and demoralization has set in-- 403 00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:16,220 General McGrath, if I may interrupt. 404 00:34:16,513 --> 00:34:19,223 Your men will have their weapons tonight... 405 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:24,270 ...and they will be part of the greatest military victory of this century. 406 00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:26,355 So have your men... 407 00:34:26,773 --> 00:34:27,815 ...here... 408 00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:32,069 ...at 10:00 tonight. 409 00:34:34,156 --> 00:34:36,157 You, sir, are a pip. 410 00:34:36,616 --> 00:34:39,201 I'd follow you into the jaws of Cerberus hisself. 411 00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:41,412 And so you shall. 412 00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:21,410 Help! Please! Somebody help me out! 413 00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:50,314 I said to meet me in the foyer. 414 00:35:50,732 --> 00:35:51,941 Foyer? 415 00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:54,610 I've never been much good with French. 416 00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:01,617 Au contraire. 417 00:36:03,662 --> 00:36:05,871 So let's see, Mr. West. 418 00:36:06,832 --> 00:36:10,042 Are you a dangerous spy of some sort... 419 00:36:10,293 --> 00:36:13,045 ...or just a handsome cowboy... 420 00:36:13,255 --> 00:36:14,338 ...who likes to... 421 00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,549 ...poke around? 422 00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:19,593 I believe I'm that second one. 423 00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:24,515 East and West. 424 00:36:27,477 --> 00:36:30,312 Never the twain shall meet. 425 00:36:57,507 --> 00:36:58,799 Oh! 426 00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,886 First, I'd like to reiterate that you make one ugly woman. 427 00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,220 Okay. 428 00:37:04,180 --> 00:37:07,224 Second, while you were out here, I found out Dr. Loveless... 429 00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,894 ...is meeting McGrath and his troops in an hour. 430 00:37:10,145 --> 00:37:12,104 You go right ahead, enjoy the party. 431 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:13,981 I'm gonna save the Republic. 432 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:17,192 By the way, boobies look great tonight. Nice and perky! 433 00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,820 Oh! 434 00:37:21,531 --> 00:37:22,990 Hang him! 435 00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:37,087 We need to teach y'all a lesson about how to behave in polite society. 436 00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:41,175 Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it. 437 00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,719 Whoo! Sure am glad we got that cleared up. 438 00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,611 My God! 439 00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,280 Oh! Excuse me, am I intruding? 440 00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,200 I feel I know you from somewhere. 441 00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:07,868 Nice try, buster. 442 00:38:08,078 --> 00:38:10,871 I look like something out of James Fenimore Cooper... 443 00:38:11,081 --> 00:38:12,957 ...but I mean you no harm. 444 00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:14,959 My name is Artemus Gordon... 445 00:38:15,168 --> 00:38:18,379 ...and if I'm not mistaken, you're in trouble. Allow me. 446 00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:21,632 I'm Rita. 447 00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:23,801 I was hired as an entertainer. 448 00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:26,387 Not that I'm complaining, but why are you here? 449 00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:31,141 I'm looking for some missing scientists, not that I'm complaining. 450 00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:40,067 I'm a special U.S. marshal on assignment from the president. 451 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:42,820 If you're so special, how come you're looking up here... 452 00:38:43,029 --> 00:38:45,072 ...when Loveless has them in the dungeon? 453 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,157 The dungeon has been cleared out. 454 00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:51,787 I checked it after sampling the gumbo, which was a bit heavy on the okra. 455 00:38:53,498 --> 00:38:54,915 There you are. 456 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:56,959 Thank you. Artemus, was it? 457 00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,502 It was. 458 00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:01,130 I don't forget a face that easily. 459 00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:06,051 Like to have everybody's attention. 460 00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:10,472 We've had a series of major misunderstandings this evening... 461 00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,767 ...and I'd like to take a minute to clear a few of them up. 462 00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:16,145 First of which... 463 00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:19,023 ...the whole drumming on the boobies thing. 464 00:39:19,649 --> 00:39:20,733 In my native land-- 465 00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:23,110 - Georgia? -Africa. 466 00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:27,281 --my ancestors used drums to communicate between villages. 467 00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,408 I'm sure y'all can see how... 468 00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:32,995 ...with this gal, we can communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. 469 00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:37,249 On a clear night, we might even get Galveston. 470 00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:40,544 All I was saying to the gal was, "Nice dress, darling. 471 00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,714 Good to see you. My name's Jim. How's your mama?" 472 00:39:44,049 --> 00:39:46,300 Then there was the redneck comment. 473 00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:49,428 And I'm getting the sense that y'all took that negatively. 474 00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:51,388 But let's break down that word. 475 00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:53,348 "Redneck." 476 00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:57,603 Red. Color of passion, fire, power. 477 00:39:57,854 --> 00:39:59,938 Neck. 478 00:40:02,442 --> 00:40:04,026 Neck.... 479 00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,575 I can't think of anything for "neck," but y'all still got "red." 480 00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:13,827 That's something to be proud of. 481 00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:16,789 And between us, the whole slavery thing... 482 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,750 ...I don't understand what the big deal was anyway. 483 00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:23,087 Who wouldn't want folks running around doing chores? 484 00:40:23,338 --> 00:40:25,964 Are you gonna get your big, fat ass out of bed... 485 00:40:26,216 --> 00:40:28,592 ...and pick your own damn cotton? 486 00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:29,802 I don't think so. 487 00:40:30,053 --> 00:40:33,305 So let's head on inside, knock us back some shine. 488 00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,516 Kick this shindig off the right way! 489 00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:38,435 Come on! Put this thing away. 490 00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:40,938 Come on! Let's go inside! 491 00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:42,189 Let's hang him! 492 00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:44,608 All right, hold on. Hold on! 493 00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:49,613 I stand before you as a man realizing that I've done something wrong. 494 00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:52,825 I'd like the opportunity to make it right. 495 00:40:54,536 --> 00:40:56,078 -Will you marry me? -Huh! 496 00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,330 "Huh!" That means "no." Darling, listen. 497 00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:00,707 Would it help if I said I thought you were a man? 498 00:41:13,096 --> 00:41:14,847 Something's funny about that rope! 499 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,310 Thank you! We had a lovely time! 500 00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:28,527 "Hang him! Hang him!" I ought to shoot you right now. 501 00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:32,906 Allow me to introduce you to my trigger-happy partner, James West... 502 00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,993 ...who doesn't realize that my Expanding Rope invention... 503 00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:40,539 ...was a diversion allowing me to search for the missing scientists. 504 00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:42,708 -Scientists? -Yes. 505 00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:47,171 This is Rita. I found her in a cage in Loveless' bedroom. 506 00:41:47,422 --> 00:41:48,589 She's an entertainer. 507 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,800 I'm afraid I haven't been quite honest with you. 508 00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:53,343 My name is Rita Escobar. 509 00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:57,472 I came to find Guillermo Escobar, the scientist. My father. 510 00:41:57,724 --> 00:42:00,601 Sorry to interrupt, but I gotta get to Malheureux Point. 511 00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,227 Malheureux Point? 512 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:05,689 Hyah! 513 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,150 He's so impetuous. 514 00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:11,069 Yes, he's an idiot. 515 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:20,454 Well, general, it's been a long journey from New Liberty. 516 00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:23,207 Not a day goes by that I don't contemplate it. 517 00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:24,416 So do I. 518 00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:29,254 If I'd had the scientific understanding of gunpowder and primers I have today... 519 00:42:29,464 --> 00:42:30,923 ...I might've been standing here. 520 00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:32,216 That's not what I meant. 521 00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:35,010 You meant the stomach-churning carnage... 522 00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:38,764 ...that earned you your unfortunate nom de guerre. 523 00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:41,892 What was that nickname again? 524 00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,689 Bloodbath McGrath. 525 00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:51,902 The Butcher of New Liberty. 526 00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:57,991 They ought to be here by now. 527 00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,494 Maybe we're in the wrong place. 528 00:43:00,954 --> 00:43:04,831 We're supposed to wait exactly on this here spot. 529 00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:58,427 You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You betrayed us! 530 00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:02,848 Having donated half my being to create a weapon capable of doing this... 531 00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:05,559 ...how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? 532 00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:09,146 You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom? 533 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,649 Munitia, make note the turret speed must be accelerated. 534 00:44:12,942 --> 00:44:15,652 Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8. 535 00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,030 Scream, scream.... 536 00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:19,406 "Help me." 537 00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:20,949 "Do not pull my arm!" 538 00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:23,952 I demand you give the order to stop this slaughter now! 539 00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:27,664 We'll need more loading drills. I hear too much time between screams. 540 00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,417 Give them the order to desist! 541 00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:35,422 I understand your distress, but these men are not dying senselessly. 542 00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:39,009 It is for a far greater cause than you can possibly imagine. 543 00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:41,678 You go straight to hell, sir! 544 00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:43,263 After you, sir. 545 00:44:49,395 --> 00:44:52,814 Bloodbath McGrath indeed. 546 00:44:54,359 --> 00:44:55,901 That concludes the festivities. 547 00:44:56,235 --> 00:44:58,779 Ladies, feed him to the crabs. 548 00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:03,367 Since the beginning of written history, a nation's power has been determined... 549 00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:06,912 ...by the size of its army. Tonight, that chapter will be closed. 550 00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:12,125 The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct. 551 00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:14,503 Laid low by a cripple... 552 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:17,172 ...as the general so amusingly implied... 553 00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:19,758 ...and "mechanology." 554 00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,220 But that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre... 555 00:45:23,429 --> 00:45:26,848 ...compared to what the country's scientists are cooking up. 556 00:45:27,058 --> 00:45:29,351 So if I have piqued your interest... 557 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,645 ...bring 1000 kilograms of gold... 558 00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:35,190 ...to Spider Canyon within the next four days. 559 00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:39,152 And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch. 560 00:46:40,214 --> 00:46:41,715 Whoa. 561 00:47:11,787 --> 00:47:13,246 Whoa. 562 00:47:22,798 --> 00:47:25,175 Judging from the position of these bodies... 563 00:47:25,426 --> 00:47:29,471 ...it laid down a 360-degree pattern of cannon fire. 564 00:47:30,139 --> 00:47:31,640 I think I'm gonna be sick. 565 00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:32,933 My God! 566 00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:36,102 What kind of weapon did this? 567 00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:39,773 It rolls on and on, screeching like a wounded animal. 568 00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:42,484 It has a cabin on top with a cannon. 569 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,528 It swivels around like an eagle's head. 570 00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:45,737 You saw it? 571 00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:49,991 Heard about it. I thought it was crazy survivors' stories. 572 00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:52,577 Survivors? 573 00:47:52,745 --> 00:47:53,787 Not here. 574 00:47:54,038 --> 00:47:57,916 New Liberty, Illinois, a free slave town just over the border. 575 00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:03,088 A week before the war ended in '65, I was with the 9th Cavalry. 576 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:07,467 We discovered old folks, women and children slaughtered. 577 00:48:07,969 --> 00:48:10,178 They used them for target practice. 578 00:48:28,489 --> 00:48:32,492 That's when I vowed to chase this yellow devil to his grave. 579 00:48:35,913 --> 00:48:37,497 What's wrong, West? 580 00:48:37,999 --> 00:48:40,208 I thought you'd be glad to see me like this. 581 00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:42,544 Actually, I'm kind of disappointed. 582 00:48:42,795 --> 00:48:45,672 I was hoping to kill the Butcher of New Liberty myself. 583 00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:48,592 Well, go on, shoot. 584 00:48:48,801 --> 00:48:50,844 Send me on to hell. 585 00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,473 But if you want the devil that's responsible for New Liberty... 586 00:48:55,725 --> 00:48:57,392 ...it's Loveless. 587 00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:00,478 He manned the machine there. 588 00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:03,815 He killed all them children, old folks... 589 00:49:04,317 --> 00:49:06,860 ...just like he killed my boys here. 590 00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:12,032 Where is he? 591 00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:15,160 Where did he go? 592 00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,167 Where's he going?! 593 00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:24,210 I know that. 594 00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:28,465 I'll tell you if you take me along. 595 00:49:28,716 --> 00:49:30,675 You'll tell me or I'll leave you here. 596 00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,930 The girls at the mansion, you know, they talk. 597 00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:39,809 "I wonder if my hair will get frizzy in the desert." 598 00:49:40,019 --> 00:49:43,355 "Where is this Oo-tah anyway?" 599 00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,316 Utah. 600 00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:50,695 Let's go, Coleman. Utah. 601 00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:52,280 Aye, sir. 602 00:49:57,536 --> 00:50:01,289 Why couldn't we give her a ride home to Texas? It's on the way. 603 00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,500 On our way to Utah, where our President is. 604 00:50:03,709 --> 00:50:05,377 How you feel about that coincidence? 605 00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:25,563 Artie. 606 00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:29,526 We wouldn't have known where Loveless was going if not for her. 607 00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:31,986 Seems a bit ungracious, if not perilous. 608 00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:36,616 She'd have been in our way. She and I'd have wound up in the saddle. 609 00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:40,662 That's funny, I got the feeling she was more interested in me. 610 00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:58,012 I've tried to place myself in Loveless' shoes. 611 00:50:58,597 --> 00:51:00,181 Good luck with that one. 612 00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:03,351 What could a maniac with no reproductive organs want with Rita? 613 00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:07,397 Which is not to say that Rita doesn't possess a beauty... 614 00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:10,567 ...worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. 615 00:51:10,776 --> 00:51:12,444 The curvature of her buttocks... 616 00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,822 ...and the swell of that magnificent bosom! 617 00:51:16,365 --> 00:51:18,074 So full, so sumptuous.... 618 00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:22,662 So...what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? 619 00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:25,457 This is what really puzzles me. 620 00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,001 Did you have any idea there were so many? 621 00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:31,963 -How long has she been here? -Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks. 622 00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,591 I am profoundly sorry. 623 00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:38,386 I'll spare you the embarrassment. Make a sandwich. You're getting off. 624 00:51:38,596 --> 00:51:41,556 I know why those foreign guys were at Loveless' party. 625 00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:45,435 Mm. This is fantastic. How do you cook it? 626 00:51:45,728 --> 00:51:47,395 I mean, you can cut it with a fork. 627 00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:50,607 In a daubière. It's a clay pot. It's a French method. 628 00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:52,400 Foreign ministers. 629 00:51:52,693 --> 00:51:55,445 They were mad about something, you know, like... 630 00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:58,573 ...there was some real bad deal in Louisiana on purpose. 631 00:51:58,824 --> 00:51:59,949 The Louisiana Purchase. 632 00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:02,410 Mm-hm. And Queen somebody of France got swindled. 633 00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:03,787 Queen Isabella of Spain. 634 00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:07,081 This is ridiculous. Coleman, stop the train. 635 00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:10,335 -Miss Escobar's getting off. - Who the hell is Miss Escobar? 636 00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:14,464 A frightened, starving, half-naked woman who wants to find her father. 637 00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,049 Half-naked? 638 00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:17,759 Coleman, stop the train! 639 00:52:18,010 --> 00:52:21,262 We're not putting anybody off here in the middle of nowhere! 640 00:52:21,514 --> 00:52:23,223 Especially if they're half-naked! 641 00:52:24,099 --> 00:52:27,602 Please, Jim. My father's the only family I've got. 642 00:52:27,853 --> 00:52:32,106 Am I to sit at home and wait for news that he's been killed, or do something? 643 00:52:32,316 --> 00:52:33,316 What would you do? 644 00:52:33,526 --> 00:52:35,485 I don't have anything against you. 645 00:52:35,694 --> 00:52:39,781 What happens when we find Loveless and you're still on this train? 646 00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:41,241 Jim. 647 00:52:41,408 --> 00:52:44,285 I know you'd never let him take me back. 648 00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,579 I've seen you shoot. 649 00:52:47,748 --> 00:52:51,543 I'll assure you any attack by Loveless would be an exercise in futility. 650 00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:54,212 I'll demonstrate how my design suggestions... 651 00:52:54,463 --> 00:52:57,382 ...have made the Wanderer completely impervious to attack. 652 00:52:57,633 --> 00:53:01,594 Over here, three seemingly innocent billiard balls, yes? 653 00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:07,475 Depress the number, it's a sleeping-gas bomb effective in under three seconds. 654 00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:11,271 So put your mind at ease. You are safe within these walls. 655 00:53:11,564 --> 00:53:13,857 I don't know about you, but I'll sleep better... 656 00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:16,901 ...assuming Loveless barges in here to play pool. 657 00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:20,989 And speaking of sleeping, I'm really tired, Artie. 658 00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,032 Could I borrow something to wear? 659 00:53:23,284 --> 00:53:25,869 -I have just-- -I got something you can wear. 660 00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,955 It ain't stylish, but it won't explode when you put it on. 661 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,915 That would be nice. 662 00:53:41,427 --> 00:53:43,720 Loveless kidnapped a few metallurgists... 663 00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,180 ...so whatever he's building will have armor. 664 00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,932 He kidnapped a couple chemists... 665 00:53:48,851 --> 00:53:50,226 ...so it'll have explosives. 666 00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:54,397 According to you, Rita's father's the world's foremost expert in hydraulics... 667 00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,941 ...so the thing's gonna move. 668 00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:01,029 What could he build that'd make the president surrender the government? 669 00:54:01,739 --> 00:54:03,072 A bedside heater. 670 00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,533 What? 671 00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,120 Rita needs a bedside heater. It gets quite chilly. 672 00:54:09,330 --> 00:54:11,915 That's what I was talking about. The distraction. 673 00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:14,208 What? 674 00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:20,673 Good night, and thank you for saving me. 675 00:54:21,050 --> 00:54:22,216 Good night. 676 00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:25,219 Rita.... 677 00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:26,429 That outfit-- 678 00:54:26,639 --> 00:54:30,099 -Is most becoming. -Lovely. I hope it's not too breezy. 679 00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:32,310 - Back there. - But if there's anything.... 680 00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:33,561 Anything at all.... 681 00:54:33,729 --> 00:54:36,648 - I'm right here. -Aren't you boys nice? 682 00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:38,733 Well, sweet dreams. 683 00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:45,740 -Mm. -I told you she'd be a distraction. 684 00:54:46,575 --> 00:54:48,284 She's not a distraction. 685 00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:51,663 It's nice having her on board. She's a breath of fresh ass. 686 00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:55,208 -Pardon me? -What? 687 00:54:55,501 --> 00:54:56,834 You said "ass." 688 00:54:57,294 --> 00:55:01,214 No, I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air." 689 00:55:03,384 --> 00:55:06,719 -Let's just get some shut-ass. -Mm. 690 00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:32,453 We have Loveless. 691 00:55:32,913 --> 00:55:35,415 Seven hundred yards and closing. 692 00:55:35,916 --> 00:55:37,500 Maintain this speed. I'm coming up. 693 00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:39,752 Oh! 694 00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:42,171 - What's that? -I took the liberty... 695 00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,507 ...of installing that while you slept. 696 00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:48,344 Don't take liberties with my things! 697 00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:49,804 Very good. 698 00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,348 I've only made one or two additions to your wardrobe. 699 00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:15,163 Am I missing something here? 700 00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:54,285 Jim. 701 00:56:58,332 --> 00:57:00,541 If we are pursuing Loveless... 702 00:57:00,793 --> 00:57:03,044 ...why is he behind us? 703 00:57:06,799 --> 00:57:07,840 That's why. 704 00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,641 -What's going on? -Nothing. It's fine. Get down. 705 00:57:17,351 --> 00:57:18,976 Okay. 706 00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:22,105 -Push that magic button. - What are you doing? 707 00:57:22,481 --> 00:57:25,274 -Seeing if your Egressor works. -We need a plan. 708 00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:26,776 -Push the button! - Very good. 709 00:57:32,074 --> 00:57:33,574 He's so courageous. 710 00:57:37,579 --> 00:57:39,705 Would you pull on one of those pool cues? 711 00:57:39,915 --> 00:57:41,707 -This one? -Thank you. 712 00:57:45,212 --> 00:57:48,756 Courage is only as good as the machinery that supports it. 713 00:57:55,848 --> 00:57:56,848 Good luck. 714 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:08,568 Gordon! 715 00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:18,179 I have them square in my sights, sire. 716 00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:21,599 As do I, Munitia. As do I! 717 00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,521 Fire away! 718 00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:44,580 That's it! I won't let Loveless take me away! 719 00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,792 -I'd rather be dead! -That's not a good thing to wish for! 720 00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:50,544 Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone! 721 00:59:53,632 --> 00:59:55,758 Ladies, we need a new train. 722 00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:58,177 -Give me the ball. I have a plan. -I won't! 723 01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:04,684 -Gordon! -It's Loveless! 724 01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:06,560 -No, it isn't. -Yes, it is! 725 01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:13,359 Jim. 726 01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:24,704 An innocent billiard ball this way, but depress the number... 727 01:00:24,871 --> 01:00:27,248 ...and on impact it ruins our mission. 728 01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:30,793 -Don't move! -Let go of my leg. 729 01:00:31,044 --> 01:00:35,256 Loveless has fitted us with the same metal device we found on Morton. 730 01:00:35,465 --> 01:00:36,757 Good morning, gentlemen. 731 01:00:37,009 --> 01:00:38,634 I trust you slept well. 732 01:00:38,885 --> 01:00:42,221 -What have you done with Rita? - Rita, is it? How familiar! 733 01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:45,391 Rita is sleeping off the aftereffects in the stateroom. 734 01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:47,476 She is quite lovely, isn't she? 735 01:00:47,728 --> 01:00:51,689 Who knows? I might even become familiar with her myself. 736 01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:54,984 -That'd be one more reason to kill you. - Oh, yes, Mr. West. 737 01:00:55,235 --> 01:00:57,737 To a well-endowed blackamoor like yourself... 738 01:00:57,988 --> 01:01:02,658 ...it seems impossible that a freak like me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman. 739 01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,703 But having witnessed my use of mechanology thus far... 740 01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:08,956 ...don't you think I'd devise something for my lower body... 741 01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:11,792 ...that was hard-pumping and indefatigably steely? 742 01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:15,504 And speaking of hard-pumping, Mr. Coleman... 743 01:01:15,756 --> 01:01:17,131 ...full steam ahead. 744 01:01:25,974 --> 01:01:29,769 What a marvelous train. You don't mind me borrowing it, do you? 745 01:01:29,978 --> 01:01:32,271 Aside from a lack of wheelchair access... 746 01:01:32,522 --> 01:01:34,565 ...I find it a most comfortable way... 747 01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:37,985 ...to pass the long miles to my laboratory in Spider Canyon. 748 01:01:38,236 --> 01:01:42,198 By the way, I'll be seeing President Grant at Promontory Point. 749 01:01:42,407 --> 01:01:44,200 What shall I tell him for you? 750 01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:47,286 I'm afraid it can't be that you're alive... 751 01:01:47,537 --> 01:01:48,954 ...and well. 752 01:01:50,624 --> 01:01:52,833 Get out your tool kit. Get this off my neck. 753 01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:56,837 My tools are gone. 754 01:01:59,633 --> 01:02:02,927 "Welcome to Loveless Experimental Camp for Political Dissidents. 755 01:02:03,136 --> 01:02:05,012 There are no guards, no barbed wires. 756 01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:07,807 Stay within the perimeter, you'll stay alive." 757 01:02:08,058 --> 01:02:10,476 -I don't have time for this. -No, no, don't! 758 01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:15,231 See? Nothing. 759 01:02:26,910 --> 01:02:28,285 And now we have to run. 760 01:02:35,710 --> 01:02:39,130 The collars around our necks seem to contain powerful magnets! 761 01:02:39,339 --> 01:02:41,841 As long as we can outrun the blade, we'll be fine! 762 01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,802 How long does it take a magnet to lose its power? 763 01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:47,012 - About 400 years! -Damn! 764 01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:01,527 The gully! The gully! 765 01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:03,529 Run for the gully! 766 01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:08,534 Go, Gordon! Go! 767 01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:22,214 -Gordon! Leap into my arms! -No. 768 01:03:22,466 --> 01:03:23,674 Now! 769 01:03:47,407 --> 01:03:49,033 Bless you. 770 01:03:49,951 --> 01:03:51,243 Sorry. 771 01:03:52,704 --> 01:03:54,246 Rita, my dear. 772 01:03:54,498 --> 01:03:57,541 Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence for bringing you back... 773 01:03:57,792 --> 01:03:59,418 ...but I have to confess... 774 01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:05,799 ...I'm a bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them. 775 01:04:06,009 --> 01:04:10,513 They seemed so sure they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them... 776 01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,682 ...they'll bring me back to all my friends. 777 01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:19,522 Not to give you a big head, but I kind of missed you. 778 01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:22,733 Well, isn't that a coincidence? Because I kind of miss me too. 779 01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:36,956 What's your plan for getting this thing off my neck? 780 01:04:37,832 --> 01:04:38,958 Excuse me? 781 01:04:39,459 --> 01:04:43,045 That's what you're here for. You're the master of this mechanical stuff. 782 01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:45,339 Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see. 783 01:04:45,590 --> 01:04:49,510 Now I'm the master of this mechanical stuff. 784 01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:51,971 As opposed to five minutes ago, when I tried... 785 01:04:52,222 --> 01:04:54,890 ...to find an intelligent solution to this problem. 786 01:04:55,141 --> 01:04:57,601 Then something happened. Someone, who'll remain nameless-- 787 01:04:57,852 --> 01:04:59,311 Jim! 788 01:04:59,563 --> 01:05:02,273 West! 789 01:05:04,025 --> 01:05:05,776 --decided to jump over the wire... 790 01:05:06,027 --> 01:05:08,612 ...providing us with that romp through the cornfield... 791 01:05:08,863 --> 01:05:11,991 ...and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! 792 01:05:12,242 --> 01:05:15,494 And here we stand, while that demented maniac hurtles... 793 01:05:15,745 --> 01:05:19,623 ...toward our president on our one and only mode of transportation... 794 01:05:19,874 --> 01:05:23,085 ...with Rita as prisoner, armed with machinery of mass destruction... 795 01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:26,880 ...with the simple intention of taking over the country. 796 01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:29,550 -You need to calm down. -I can't be calm. 797 01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:34,346 No, no, no, no. I'm the master of the mechanical stuff! 798 01:05:34,681 --> 01:05:37,099 And I have to help you! You! 799 01:05:37,309 --> 01:05:40,352 The master of the stupid stuff! 800 01:05:40,687 --> 01:05:42,438 Wanna get your collar off? I'll get it off! 801 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:45,065 I don't have a gun. Otherwise, I'd shoot it off! 802 01:05:45,442 --> 01:05:47,443 Here's something in the true Jim West style! 803 01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:50,696 -I'll bash it with a rock! -You don't wanna do that. 804 01:05:50,905 --> 01:05:52,698 -Oh, but I do! -Wait, Gor-- 805 01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:00,497 -What did you do? -I didn't do shit! 806 01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:02,833 You've reversed the polarity of your magnet. 807 01:06:03,376 --> 01:06:05,377 I did not do shit! 808 01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:08,589 Be still! Be still! 809 01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:11,175 I'll put my foot in your chest. Push off. 810 01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:17,348 You all right? 811 01:06:17,599 --> 01:06:20,225 I'm just peachy. Can you help me get my boot off? 812 01:06:23,897 --> 01:06:26,398 -Hey, hey! -Sorry. 813 01:06:33,948 --> 01:06:36,283 And that would be my belt buckle. 814 01:06:36,451 --> 01:06:40,579 Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, leave this part out. 815 01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:43,123 -Don't worry. -All right, Gordon. 816 01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:47,753 I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way, you run the other way. 817 01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:49,380 Let me understand your plan. 818 01:06:49,631 --> 01:06:53,050 You'll run fast that way and I'll run fast that way. 819 01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:55,761 -It's ingenious. -Whatever, Gordon. 820 01:06:56,012 --> 01:06:57,262 One... 821 01:06:57,430 --> 01:06:59,640 ...two, three! 822 01:07:18,785 --> 01:07:19,785 Oh, look. 823 01:07:20,453 --> 01:07:21,662 My auxiliary tool kit. 824 01:07:21,871 --> 01:07:24,623 I forgot about it. It must've slipped out of my pocket. 825 01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:25,874 Your pocket? 826 01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:29,670 Why wasn't it on some contraption that shoots out your ass? 827 01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:31,880 That's the first place Loveless would've looked. 828 01:07:51,359 --> 01:07:52,526 What? 829 01:07:53,987 --> 01:07:55,362 Nothing. 830 01:07:56,239 --> 01:08:00,576 Oh, no. No, thank you. I'm fine. 831 01:08:01,035 --> 01:08:02,661 Not quite myself out here. 832 01:08:04,664 --> 01:08:07,124 There's a very large spider on your hand. 833 01:08:10,253 --> 01:08:12,171 He's just trying to get warm. 834 01:08:17,761 --> 01:08:19,803 How is it you know so much about the desert? 835 01:08:20,847 --> 01:08:24,391 I lived out here as a boy. I was raised by the Indians. 836 01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,810 Really? Now that is-- 837 01:08:27,061 --> 01:08:30,397 Look, a desert wasp, one of the world's greatest hunters. 838 01:08:30,607 --> 01:08:33,150 She'll kill the tarantula, lay her eggs inside... 839 01:08:33,401 --> 01:08:35,569 ...so her babies will have food when they hatch. 840 01:08:35,779 --> 01:08:37,863 Now I'm really hungry. 841 01:08:38,198 --> 01:08:41,408 So how did your parents, who I assume were Negro... 842 01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:43,410 ...feel about you being raised by Indians? 843 01:08:44,204 --> 01:08:46,121 They didn't have too much to say. 844 01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:48,457 I was sent to another plantation as a boy. 845 01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:51,418 Ran away as soon as my legs were strong enough to take me. 846 01:08:51,669 --> 01:08:53,504 Did you ever see your family again? 847 01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,676 They were at the camp at New Liberty. 848 01:09:03,932 --> 01:09:05,974 I'll help you get him, Jim. 849 01:09:11,689 --> 01:09:14,149 You have no idea where we're going, do you? 850 01:09:14,609 --> 01:09:16,777 I know exactly where we're going. 851 01:09:17,237 --> 01:09:19,112 Going to Spider Canyon. 852 01:09:19,405 --> 01:09:23,283 We'd get there a lot faster if you weren't dragging that thing around. 853 01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:26,870 A lot of scientific ingenuity and hard work went into this. 854 01:09:27,121 --> 01:09:28,872 It'd be a shame to discard it. 855 01:09:29,082 --> 01:09:32,042 You never know when a high-powered magnet might come in handy. 856 01:09:47,308 --> 01:09:49,059 When you're right, you're right. 857 01:09:52,480 --> 01:09:54,189 Loveless' private track. 858 01:10:00,613 --> 01:10:03,615 This is not a mirage. If this isn't a mirage, then that-- 859 01:10:03,825 --> 01:10:06,994 Is Spider Canyon. What now, Mr. Plan Man? 860 01:10:07,161 --> 01:10:09,288 Now, well.... 861 01:10:09,998 --> 01:10:14,793 What do we have? Intelligence, a sense of purpose, the element of surprise. 862 01:10:15,169 --> 01:10:17,129 So what does Loveless have? 863 01:10:26,472 --> 01:10:27,973 Well.... 864 01:10:29,851 --> 01:10:31,518 He has his own city. 865 01:10:54,459 --> 01:10:57,419 He has an 80-foot tarantula. 866 01:10:57,712 --> 01:11:00,339 Yes, well, I was coming to that. 867 01:11:03,509 --> 01:11:06,637 Nice to see an invention that actually works. 868 01:11:06,846 --> 01:11:09,222 Most impressive. 869 01:11:14,437 --> 01:11:16,521 If a little ungainly. 870 01:11:20,276 --> 01:11:21,401 He's trapped. 871 01:11:22,236 --> 01:11:24,696 That thing'll never get past those rocks. 872 01:11:38,586 --> 01:11:40,837 Gordon! Let's go! 873 01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:47,427 Gordon, let's ride! 874 01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:49,638 You do know how to ride. 875 01:11:49,847 --> 01:11:52,057 -Yes, I know how to ride. -A horse. 876 01:11:52,308 --> 01:11:54,142 Yes, when something primitive is called for. 877 01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:57,187 How about now? A giant spider's stomping toward our President. 878 01:11:57,897 --> 01:11:59,398 I was thinking of another spider. 879 01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:02,985 Remember when that wasp destroyed the tarantula? 880 01:12:03,236 --> 01:12:06,071 The wasp had a slight advantage. It could fly. 881 01:12:07,198 --> 01:12:08,573 Exactly. 882 01:12:08,950 --> 01:12:13,620 In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed a flying machine, but never finished it. 883 01:12:13,871 --> 01:12:16,915 With some extrapolation and a bit of imagination, I've-- 884 01:12:17,166 --> 01:12:20,460 We don't have time for your plans or half-baked inventions. 885 01:12:23,214 --> 01:12:25,632 We gotta stick to what we each do best. 886 01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:50,115 "May God continue the unity of our country... 887 01:12:50,324 --> 01:12:54,703 ...as this railroad unites the two great oceans of this world." 888 01:13:56,849 --> 01:13:58,225 Good Lord! 889 01:14:26,003 --> 01:14:28,421 Well, now, isn't this a coincidence? 890 01:14:28,631 --> 01:14:31,174 I'm out for a little morning ride... 891 01:14:31,425 --> 01:14:32,926 ...and in the middle of nowhere... 892 01:14:33,136 --> 01:14:36,972 ...I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself. 893 01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:40,142 We've never been properly introduced. I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless... 894 01:14:40,393 --> 01:14:42,060 ...formerly of the Confederate Army. 895 01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:43,895 Yes, Dr. Loveless. 896 01:14:44,856 --> 01:14:47,399 It's a fine-looking spider you have there. 897 01:14:47,650 --> 01:14:48,775 What can I do for you? 898 01:14:48,985 --> 01:14:52,612 I have a humble abode nearby. I hope you'll accept my hospitality. 899 01:14:52,822 --> 01:14:54,489 I have a proposition to make. 900 01:14:54,699 --> 01:14:56,074 What proposition is that? 901 01:14:56,284 --> 01:15:00,495 The immediate and unconditional surrender of the United States... 902 01:15:00,746 --> 01:15:02,372 ...to the Loveless Alliance! 903 01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:05,542 I didn't realize we were at war. 904 01:15:05,793 --> 01:15:08,670 You have me at somewhat of a disadvantage. 905 01:15:08,921 --> 01:15:11,631 I didn't bring my fly swatter. 906 01:15:21,851 --> 01:15:23,602 How about now? 907 01:15:24,312 --> 01:15:26,271 In matters pertaining to war... 908 01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,108 -...the person to talk to would be me. - And now just who are you? 909 01:15:30,359 --> 01:15:32,903 I am the President of the United States. 910 01:15:33,112 --> 01:15:38,033 This man is an actor hired to stand in for me on public occasions. 911 01:15:38,242 --> 01:15:41,578 Not a very good actor at that. He's too fat and dull-witted. 912 01:15:41,787 --> 01:15:44,581 You got a lot of brass, Gordon. Where's West? 913 01:15:44,749 --> 01:15:46,082 You know him, sir. 914 01:15:50,087 --> 01:15:53,048 Take this man away! Captain! 915 01:15:53,841 --> 01:15:55,884 Lieutenant! Sergeant! 916 01:15:57,178 --> 01:15:58,220 Private! 917 01:15:58,763 --> 01:16:01,056 You are dismissed, sir! Leave! 918 01:16:01,265 --> 01:16:02,390 We'll take them both! 919 01:16:08,564 --> 01:16:10,565 Was this part of your plan, Gordon? 920 01:16:10,816 --> 01:16:14,819 Well, I'm by your side, sir. That's what counts. 921 01:16:23,579 --> 01:16:26,498 I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless from his mother. 922 01:16:26,749 --> 01:16:29,709 She said, "Come home. Stop all this foolishness." 923 01:17:10,084 --> 01:17:11,251 Bonjour... 924 01:17:11,711 --> 01:17:14,713 ...buenas tardes, and good day! 925 01:17:15,589 --> 01:17:17,757 Great, glorious day! 926 01:17:17,967 --> 01:17:23,096 A day of healing for the wrongs that have been done to us all. 927 01:17:26,058 --> 01:17:27,892 How long have we waited? 928 01:17:29,061 --> 01:17:31,855 1776, wasn't it, old bean? 929 01:17:32,690 --> 01:17:35,025 The most expensive cup of tea in history. 930 01:17:37,570 --> 01:17:40,530 Manhattan, for a handful of beads. 931 01:17:40,781 --> 01:17:41,990 How. 932 01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:46,036 "Remember the Alamo," indeed. 933 01:18:29,872 --> 01:18:31,539 Thanks, Artie. 934 01:18:34,418 --> 01:18:38,797 Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all... 935 01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:43,176 ...and tell you that the wrongs will be righted... 936 01:18:43,511 --> 01:18:46,096 ...the past made present... 937 01:18:46,639 --> 01:18:49,516 ...the united, divided! 938 01:19:01,487 --> 01:19:06,241 Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan. 939 01:19:06,742 --> 01:19:10,036 Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain. 940 01:19:10,496 --> 01:19:14,707 Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona... 941 01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:16,668 ...revolve a México. 942 01:19:16,877 --> 01:19:19,838 And a little piece for me to retire on. 943 01:20:11,056 --> 01:20:15,727 My partner nations insist that we make this as legal as possible. 944 01:20:16,562 --> 01:20:18,646 Personally, I like the symmetry of it. 945 01:20:18,981 --> 01:20:20,607 After all... 946 01:20:20,858 --> 01:20:23,234 ...wasn't it you, President Grant, that made us... 947 01:20:23,444 --> 01:20:25,778 ...sign a surrender at Appomattox? 948 01:20:26,113 --> 01:20:27,739 Never will I sign that paper. 949 01:20:27,948 --> 01:20:31,367 Never will the United States ever surrender! 950 01:20:39,793 --> 01:20:41,920 We're at loggerheads then, aren't we? 951 01:20:42,796 --> 01:20:46,758 I suppose the threat of death to someone with your valorous war record... 952 01:20:47,009 --> 01:20:48,384 ...would mean nothing. 953 01:20:48,636 --> 01:20:51,513 If you still refuse to sign the surrender... 954 01:20:51,764 --> 01:20:53,723 ...we'll start by shooting your man Gordon. 955 01:20:54,642 --> 01:20:56,309 -Artemus! - Munitia! 956 01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:59,562 Don't worry. I'm wearing an Impermeable. 957 01:21:09,740 --> 01:21:11,199 May I make one request? 958 01:21:13,744 --> 01:21:15,245 That she aim at my heart... 959 01:21:15,913 --> 01:21:18,873 ...my heart, which has loved this country so much. 960 01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:20,917 Shoot him in the head. 961 01:21:22,461 --> 01:21:24,045 -Damn! - Munitia! 962 01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:27,048 Ready! Aim! 963 01:21:45,943 --> 01:21:47,694 A new girl! 964 01:21:48,696 --> 01:21:51,739 Well, what a nice surprise. 965 01:21:58,664 --> 01:22:00,331 Ooh. 966 01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:19,642 Uh, uh, uh. 967 01:22:20,853 --> 01:22:24,105 Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me? 968 01:22:37,202 --> 01:22:38,828 This brassiere is killing me. 969 01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:42,415 Thank you. 970 01:22:46,670 --> 01:22:49,672 And this garter belt is riding up my ass. 971 01:22:49,923 --> 01:22:53,426 -Be careful with that dress. -To hell with your damn dress. 972 01:22:58,641 --> 01:23:01,351 We'll have you out of here in a second, Mr. President. 973 01:23:05,856 --> 01:23:07,231 Bye-bye! 974 01:23:08,400 --> 01:23:10,234 -Is she with us? -Captain West. 975 01:23:11,445 --> 01:23:13,404 Oh, he's so graceful! 976 01:23:42,893 --> 01:23:45,186 Kill him! Him! 977 01:23:45,437 --> 01:23:47,730 Him! Him! The girl! 978 01:24:00,994 --> 01:24:02,787 Is that the eight ball? Get down. 979 01:24:06,542 --> 01:24:09,919 -That wasn't sleeping gas. -The eight ball's an incendiary bomb. 980 01:24:11,422 --> 01:24:12,463 The president! 981 01:24:15,384 --> 01:24:19,053 -Let's go! -Save the president! We'll be fine! 982 01:24:22,725 --> 01:24:25,810 They're getting away. We gotta do something! We gotta get horses! 983 01:24:25,978 --> 01:24:28,563 Artie, right now we need a plan. 984 01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:30,648 That flying machine idea of yours.... 985 01:24:30,858 --> 01:24:35,194 Were you acting like you knew what you were talking about, or can you build it? 986 01:24:45,664 --> 01:24:47,790 Bernoulli was considered insane by his peers. 987 01:24:48,000 --> 01:24:51,085 His theory states that the air over a bird's wing moves... 988 01:24:51,336 --> 01:24:53,838 ...at a lower pressure than that below the wing. 989 01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:56,966 That's called lift, and is what we will now attempt. 990 01:24:57,176 --> 01:24:59,802 -It's only a theory. It's never been tested. -Stop talking. 991 01:25:00,012 --> 01:25:03,055 Here's a little bon voyage present for you guys. 992 01:25:03,307 --> 01:25:06,517 Gunpowder, nitroglycerine and .44 caliber primers. 993 01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:09,145 How the devil do you know about explosives? 994 01:25:09,396 --> 01:25:12,732 U.S. Marshal Coleman. President wanted me to look after you. 995 01:25:12,941 --> 01:25:15,860 But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck. 996 01:25:19,239 --> 01:25:22,867 Hold on! Avanti! 997 01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:32,418 Avanti! Avanti! 998 01:25:32,628 --> 01:25:35,546 -Why isn't this avanti-ing? -Not enough lift! 999 01:25:35,798 --> 01:25:37,215 We need more speed! 1000 01:25:51,522 --> 01:25:53,481 - That's a cliff! -Yes, I know! 1001 01:25:53,690 --> 01:25:56,150 -That means the ground is gonna end! -I know! 1002 01:25:56,819 --> 01:25:59,654 Gordon. Gordon! Gordon! 1003 01:26:10,415 --> 01:26:12,291 It works! It works! 1004 01:26:12,543 --> 01:26:15,753 If you had to get one right, I'm sure glad it was this one. 1005 01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:19,048 -Yee-ha! Ha, ha, ha! -Yee-ha. 1006 01:26:20,384 --> 01:26:23,511 What kind of fancy name you got picked out for this thing? 1007 01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:27,223 an Elevation Enhancer... 1008 01:26:27,474 --> 01:26:30,351 ...or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle. 1009 01:26:30,602 --> 01:26:32,603 No, I was thinking of something simple. 1010 01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:34,897 Air Gordon. 1011 01:26:45,075 --> 01:26:47,702 Mr. President, I'll ask you once again: 1012 01:26:47,911 --> 01:26:51,664 Sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town! 1013 01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:53,749 You've had my answer. 1014 01:26:54,626 --> 01:26:59,130 I understand, but I urge you to reconsider in light of the following! 1015 01:27:41,757 --> 01:27:43,299 Yee-ha! 1016 01:27:53,143 --> 01:27:54,518 Whoo! 1017 01:28:22,839 --> 01:28:24,298 Munitia! 1018 01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:28,803 Hang on, Mr. President! 1019 01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:36,310 Let's go! 1020 01:28:42,776 --> 01:28:46,988 Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity. 1021 01:28:47,239 --> 01:28:49,740 Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me... 1022 01:28:50,617 --> 01:28:52,660 ...and forego your execution? 1023 01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:56,288 I thought I'd stuff your half-a-ass in one of these cannons... 1024 01:28:56,498 --> 01:28:58,833 ...and fertilize the landscape with you. 1025 01:29:02,796 --> 01:29:04,880 We may not have a woodshed on board... 1026 01:29:05,132 --> 01:29:08,217 ...but that boy is gonna get a whupping anyway! 1027 01:29:16,435 --> 01:29:18,853 You the one supposed to give me my whupping? 1028 01:29:20,272 --> 01:29:22,064 Hell, I got one of those. 1029 01:29:25,152 --> 01:29:29,405 Oh. Shit. Gordon only gave me one. If you give me a second, I'll-- 1030 01:29:45,172 --> 01:29:46,464 Damn! 1031 01:29:58,518 --> 01:30:00,102 Whoo-hoo! 1032 01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,125 That's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy. 1033 01:30:56,827 --> 01:30:58,536 I learned that from a Chinaman. 1034 01:31:02,707 --> 01:31:04,500 I just made that up. 1035 01:31:08,338 --> 01:31:09,588 Nice hat. 1036 01:31:14,719 --> 01:31:15,719 No! 1037 01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:57,845 Sorry. 1038 01:32:10,942 --> 01:32:14,195 Miss Lippenreider, take over the controls. 1039 01:32:40,513 --> 01:32:43,432 Now, somebody around here promised me a whupping. 1040 01:32:43,642 --> 01:32:44,725 Dark-haired fella. 1041 01:32:44,976 --> 01:32:46,894 Crazy beard. About your height. Seen him? 1042 01:32:47,771 --> 01:32:50,940 When it comes right down to it, you just can't beat... 1043 01:32:51,191 --> 01:32:53,067 ...a good old-fashioned pair of legs. 1044 01:32:53,276 --> 01:32:57,655 Well, you're obviously not a poker player, Mr. West. 1045 01:33:15,215 --> 01:33:18,467 Four of a kind always beats a pair. 1046 01:33:20,303 --> 01:33:23,681 Now was there someone particularly close to you... 1047 01:33:23,890 --> 01:33:26,934 ...who perished in that military action? 1048 01:33:30,647 --> 01:33:32,314 Well, that struck a nerve. 1049 01:33:37,946 --> 01:33:41,365 "I likes to beat my feet... 1050 01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:44,451 ...on the Mississippi mud!" 1051 01:33:46,496 --> 01:33:47,705 Stop it! 1052 01:33:48,873 --> 01:33:50,666 Stop him, please! 1053 01:33:51,668 --> 01:33:52,835 Drop it! 1054 01:33:56,298 --> 01:33:58,340 Drive. Stop or I'll shoot. 1055 01:33:58,550 --> 01:34:00,759 You expect to kill me with that peashooter? 1056 01:34:00,969 --> 01:34:04,388 -If I have to, yes. -Why is it that I am unafraid? 1057 01:34:04,639 --> 01:34:06,932 Shoot him... 1058 01:34:07,142 --> 01:34:08,642 ...Gordon! 1059 01:34:11,646 --> 01:34:13,397 Shoot him! 1060 01:34:17,819 --> 01:34:19,611 After all that, you missed? 1061 01:34:19,904 --> 01:34:21,280 Actually, I didn't. 1062 01:34:30,081 --> 01:34:31,415 Thank you. 1063 01:34:31,624 --> 01:34:33,834 Your chivalry's about to be tested. 1064 01:34:37,630 --> 01:34:39,006 Wait! 1065 01:34:47,098 --> 01:34:50,893 Well, well, well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought it was... 1066 01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:54,271 ...pretty damn funny, big metal foot on my face and all. 1067 01:34:54,522 --> 01:34:56,774 If you ask me, somebody around here... 1068 01:34:57,025 --> 01:35:00,277 ...owes somebody else around here an apology. 1069 01:35:07,327 --> 01:35:10,329 Quit dancing around and figure out how to run this damn thing! 1070 01:35:10,497 --> 01:35:12,664 -Uh, right. -We got a real problem there! 1071 01:35:17,003 --> 01:35:18,837 Please, Mr. West! 1072 01:35:20,548 --> 01:35:22,424 Show some mercy! 1073 01:35:22,675 --> 01:35:24,593 Now, don't you fret none. 1074 01:35:24,803 --> 01:35:27,805 We got a lovely half-a-jail cell picked out for you. 1075 01:35:28,640 --> 01:35:31,350 Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior! 1076 01:35:31,559 --> 01:35:35,062 Finding the right combination of levers-- 1077 01:35:37,482 --> 01:35:38,941 -Very good. -Don't do that again. 1078 01:35:39,192 --> 01:35:42,277 I have always admired you, Mr. West. 1079 01:35:42,779 --> 01:35:44,446 I want you to understand that. 1080 01:35:52,163 --> 01:35:54,331 For four years, I've chased the animal... 1081 01:35:54,541 --> 01:35:57,251 ...responsible for the massacre at New Liberty. 1082 01:35:57,460 --> 01:35:58,585 I hear that's you. 1083 01:35:58,795 --> 01:36:01,213 I am not an animal. I am a visionary! 1084 01:36:01,423 --> 01:36:02,506 I am a genius! 1085 01:36:02,966 --> 01:36:05,259 And now I am angry! 1086 01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,718 After I kill you... 1087 01:36:06,970 --> 01:36:10,222 ...I swear I'm gonna boil you down for axle grease! 1088 01:36:32,620 --> 01:36:34,663 Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! 1089 01:36:34,914 --> 01:36:37,458 How did we arrive in this dark situation? 1090 01:36:38,042 --> 01:36:40,878 I have no idea. I'm just as stumped as you are. 1091 01:36:43,047 --> 01:36:45,174 I'm facing a difficult problem here. 1092 01:36:45,383 --> 01:36:48,510 On the one hand, I have an overwhelming love for myself... 1093 01:36:48,761 --> 01:36:52,389 ...and on the other, the raw, seething hatred that I have for you. 1094 01:36:52,599 --> 01:36:56,310 I could kill you very easily just by pulling on this lever. 1095 01:36:57,228 --> 01:36:59,980 But I would die along with you, hence my conflict. 1096 01:37:02,859 --> 01:37:03,984 Decisions... 1097 01:37:04,194 --> 01:37:05,527 ...decisions. 1098 01:37:06,362 --> 01:37:08,447 Allow me to make that decision for you. 1099 01:37:08,656 --> 01:37:12,618 Mr. West, although you are as black as the night on the outside... 1100 01:37:12,785 --> 01:37:13,869 ...inside... 1101 01:37:14,746 --> 01:37:18,165 ...you are yellow! 1102 01:37:18,666 --> 01:37:22,544 You just don't have it in you. 1103 01:37:23,421 --> 01:37:24,838 Do you... 1104 01:37:26,007 --> 01:37:27,132 ...boy? 1105 01:37:47,237 --> 01:37:50,155 Now that's a whupping. 1106 01:38:06,548 --> 01:38:09,716 You'll be happy to know I'm creating a new agency... 1107 01:38:09,968 --> 01:38:12,553 ...whose sole purpose is to protect the president. 1108 01:38:13,012 --> 01:38:14,429 Welcome to the Secret Service. 1109 01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,598 Agents number one and number two. 1110 01:38:17,016 --> 01:38:18,517 Thank you, Mr. President. 1111 01:38:18,726 --> 01:38:22,312 Do you mind if I ask which one is agent number one and which is number two? 1112 01:38:22,730 --> 01:38:25,732 -I don't think that matters. Do you? -Not if you don't. 1113 01:38:25,942 --> 01:38:29,945 Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to discuss it on your new assignment. 1114 01:38:30,655 --> 01:38:32,781 See you in Washington, gentlemen. 1115 01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,748 Mr. President, what about our train? 1116 01:38:42,083 --> 01:38:43,709 I'm taking it, of course. 1117 01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:46,712 Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine. 1118 01:38:49,716 --> 01:38:51,300 Jim, Artie! 1119 01:38:52,260 --> 01:38:54,469 -My heroes. -Rita, look at you. 1120 01:38:56,180 --> 01:38:58,974 -You're a vision. - That's a fine dress you got on. 1121 01:38:59,225 --> 01:39:04,104 I wanted to thank you for all you've done for me before I went back to Texas. 1122 01:39:04,355 --> 01:39:06,440 Texas? What do you mean? 1123 01:39:06,691 --> 01:39:08,191 Come to Washington with me. 1124 01:39:08,443 --> 01:39:11,278 Or better yet, come back to Washington with me. 1125 01:39:11,738 --> 01:39:15,365 I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. 1126 01:39:16,034 --> 01:39:19,828 Professor Escobar is not my father. He's my husband. 1127 01:39:22,290 --> 01:39:24,958 -You could've told us that. -Yes. 1128 01:39:25,668 --> 01:39:28,670 Rita, dear, we really must be going. 1129 01:39:30,882 --> 01:39:31,965 Bye. 1130 01:39:35,803 --> 01:39:38,221 At least you still have each other. 1131 01:39:57,325 --> 01:39:58,617 Jim? 1132 01:39:59,410 --> 01:40:00,661 What now, Artie? 1133 01:40:00,870 --> 01:40:03,538 Do you mind if I ask you a question? 1134 01:40:03,748 --> 01:40:05,624 Actually, I do, Artie.