Guys, I've had a great time.
Let's do it again. - Yes.
Bye.
See you soon, take care.
- Thanks. - See you later...
- Take care guys. - Ciao.
See you later.
Damn, I can't believe Raul and Sara are getting married.
We introduced them!
Hey, are you alright?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes.
Lost mylove
you haven't been your usual self.
We're close enough now,
you can tell me what's wrong.
Yes... I don't think...
Whatever it is, don't worry about it, ok?
Ok.
They're moving a piano at this time.
I don't know how to tell you this.
What's up?
Have you ever felt
that you're with someone who you love more as a friend than as a partner?
Yes, I guess so.
Someone you really care for
and while you know you don't have a future,
the fear of hurting them stops you from breaking up,
which only makes things more complicated.
No, never.
I'm sorry. It's over.
We've been together ages, Olivia.
That depends on when you count from.
From the first time we said "I love you" or...
Antonio?
We're going to New York!
Aren't you excited? Yes, of course. New York!
It's the first time I've done this.
Buy a flight with someone for six months time!
If we buy them now,
that means we're going to be together another six months.
Of course.
Even if it's only so we don't waste the flights.
If you're going to leave me, better do it now than in a month's time.
I'm going to do it, I'm doing it.
You're right.
- What? - It's a huge commitment.
Who knows where we'll be in six months.
I think it's better to end it.
Why isn't he responding?
We sedated him.
He was hit by a piano.
His leg's broken. He needs a full examination.
I hope he remembers that we broke up.
Shit, imagine I hadn't said it,
and the piano paralysed him,
I would never have left him.
Shit, I can't believe my luck.
I know it sounds horrible.
But I can't help it.
Too far? Do you have a sedative?
It's a lot of mixed emotions, breaking up with someone is horrible.
- Get out. - There's no need to be like that!
Tell him I'll see him at the hospital.
Hey, is there a discount for six? Yes, discount.
- Five Euros? - Yes.
Bastard.
Is there any need to be like that?
- Give it, give it to me! - Bloody hell, take it!
Graceful lady
from malaga!
I wish I could kiss your lips
graceful lady from malaga
do you believe in love at first sight?
I do.
Especially if the other person is fit.
Not so long ago, I fell in love at first sight.
With Olivia.
She saw some guys throwing a party and what did she do?
What anyone would have done:
Sing them a song.
Maybe it was the song,
or how beautiful she looked under the streetlight,
while a drunk guy threw up next to her,
or because I was wasted,
but I fell in love.
I fell so deeply in love
I had too much bike and not enough brakes.
Graceful lady from malaga!
Are you ok?
Do you want to go for dinner one day?
What?
If we ended up together, we'd have an amazing story
about how we met.
Like notting hill on steroids.
Wow...
Was it good?
The breakfast deal is until one.
I'll have to charge full price.
Augusto you bastard, damn, it's only...
Shit, half past four.
Are you meeting the girl you ran over today?
Yeah, mate, I'm a nervous wreck.
But, anyway, I hope it goes well.
Of course it will. Why wouldn't it?
All your relationships go well.
Like violeta, who you left
because she was always listening to Sam Smith.
Ed Sheeran - Ed Sheeran.
Or Alicia, who you left for her sister.
It'll be fine. I've got a feeling.
Yes, of course.
Here. No need to thank me.
That's not enough!
That's why you don't need to thank me.
So, you give monologues?
The right term is stand up comedy.
By the way, I'm eating all of these.
Don't you want any? No, thanks, I'm allergic.
My face balloons like a muppet's.
I always carry adrenaline, just in case.
Really? Cool, like in Pulp Fiction!
See? Then you inject it.
It's no joke. I could suffocate.
In fact, if you don't mind.
What were you saying about monologues?
Stand up comedy.
Like why girls go to the loo together
and why napkins don't absorb anything, right?
I'm not a fan of monologues.
If you don't like stand up, you haven't seen real comedy.
A guy on a stage, opening up to his audience.
Like that sensation when more than 200 people
laugh when you want them to laugh.
Have you ever heen
to a monologue that wasn't funny?
I have.
Alright, clever clogs, illuminate me, what do you do?
I'm in theatre. I write and I act.
- What bar do you work in? - One in la latina.
I'm particularly into avant-garde theatre.
The autobiographical movements, artaud, theatre of cruelty.
Sorry, I was about to fall asleep out of pure boredom.
Theatre of what? Of cruelty?
What is the theatre of cruelty?
The theatre of cruelty shocks the viewer with a radical experience
forcing him to pay attention
and stirring his emotions.
Fuck me.
If I go to the theatre to listen to someone's shit life story,
I'd at least like a laugh.
But life is drama, anguish, solitude.
Life isn't funny.
There you go. What a bitch.
Leave it.
Ah, of course.
You're a man, so you pay?
No way. We'll split it.
Fine. That's great.
Because, damn, you drank a lot for a chick.
Ah! Another micro-sexism!
Sorry, you drank a lot for a mammal.
What's more, I don't agree that life is just drama.
Shall I show you?
What?
Hey!
The bill.
Yes, what's wrong?
You left without paying.
Without paying? You've got that wrong.
That's not true.
You're an idiot.
I'm working, that's not funny.
Sorry, he's a comedian, he thinks he's really funny.
- She didn't find that funny. - No, not at all.
Poor girl.
Have you seen Annie hall?
Yes. But it's a comedy. Remember when...
After the first date, he says
it's best to kiss soon
to avoid the awkward moment of the first kiss?
Yes, I remember.
- We could go to see it one day? - Yes, let's go.
- Cool, good. - Another day... yes, why not.
Ok, cool.
Well, I live up there. Up there. I don't, I'm more...
I live down there. 0k,
- ciao. - Bye.
And we saw Annie hall and bullets over Broadway
and Manhattan murder mystery.
We saw so many Woody Allen films
that one day I woke up with phimosis.
But, even still,
we've not had one bloody kiss.
Right, you start.
Water or vodka?
Water!
Vodkal
your turn.
Vodka?
Yes.
Your turn!
We have a drinking game in my village.
Guess what it's called. "Drink".
Shut up and drink.
Vodka.
It seems like they were all vodka!
I think someone here wanted to get someone drunk.
Well, it must be really late, right?
Right. Right.
What was I going to say... We'll see each other another day.
0k. - Yeah?
We've still got two... Two Woody Allen films to see.
Yes, we've still got two.
Do you remember where the door is?
Yes, the way I came in. It's the same, right?
Ah, your phone.
Alright, girl.
Alright.
Wait, wait.
- Come on. - Got it.
Ciao.
- Call me! - Congratulations!
Ah, oli... you're an idiot!
Five dates, a bottle of vodka and not one kiss!
You're a complete fool.
Come on, think.
Hello?
Olivia, I think I've left my phone in your house.
Bugger!
Yeah, right, because I'm going to need it for things.
I can't see it here.
What do I do?
Do you want to come look?
Ok, ok. I'll be there in a minute.
Ok.
Fuck, man.
What's up?
You won't believe it, but...
I'll have to grab a blablacar in a bit. I've got a gig.
I really can't be arsed.
I'd stay here for another 17 years.
Me too.
Where's the gig?
It's a drag. Valencia.
I'm from valencia.
I love valencia.
There's no other city like valencia, I love it, really.
Maybe you'll think this is crazy, but
why don't you come?
I haven't seen my parents for ages.
And I've never used blablacar. No?
Well, blablacar is awesome.
The people are nice.
I'll be there soon. I'm in the car.
No, no, pilu, I'm not wearing my seat belt, pilu.
That's for girls.
Isn't it a bit gay?
I can't wait to get there and get on the mojitos!
You have to meet luana, my new Filipino maid.
Blablacars are usually more fun.
Her mojitos... Of course, it's a Filipino drink...
What do you mean they're from Cuba?
Well maybe she's Cuban.
What do I know. They're all the same. Right?
- What do you mean? - See you.
Mojito doesn't have gin in it? It's rum? No way!
- Fuck me, what a twat. - No, don't say that, no way.
I'm running late, I'll go straight to the gig.
I'll see my parents and meet you there.
Ok? - 0k, ciao.
But I won't laugh. You're not very funny.
Great. Thanks for that comment.
By the way,
don't bring your parents.
Don't worry, they're more lbsen and Chekhov than monologues.
Stand up comedy.
Hurry up, it's started.
If you don't like it, pretend.
Mario is sensitive about his monologues.
- Don't call them monologues. - It's stand up comedy.
The other day I read something... It was already like that but I...
Come on, over there.
Did you know there is a minimum legal age
to have sexual relations with consent?
Careful! That was "con-sent", not "con-tempt".
I don't give a damn who you take to bed!
But that got me thinking.
So, is there a legal minimum age
to have sexual relations without consent?
Careful, eh?
Careful, we're in murky waters here,
swampy, full of crap... careful.
I'm imagining two guys saying:
"They've reduced the minimum age
for sexual relations without consent?"
"What, really?"
"Yes, they've reduced it from 90 to 87".
Then he says:
"Blimey, I'm going to shag my grandpa".
Careful with the agua de valencia, it's deceptive.
Agua: Water,
it's in the name: Water. It's juice, vitamins.
Drink up. It goes down really easily.
By the way, sorry if before,
on stage,
I said anything inappropriate...
I didn't know Olivia was bringing you.
Mario, Olivia's previous boyfriends were a dj,
an expert in car tuning and someone called culebra.
Cobra! His name was cobra, mum.
Look, you can do what you want up there.
You could kill a polar bear on stage
and I swear you'd still be the best boyfriend Olivia's ever had.
It's nice to know I've got such a...
Wide margin.
Shall I show you my childhood bedroom?
What? Perhaps it's not the time?
It's as good as any other.
Come on, hurry.
- No, no. - Yes.
They can hear.
No, you! I want to continue being your best boyfriend!
Don't worry! You should have met culebra!
You've still got a huge margin!
- But, who is culebra? - Cobra! Cobra!
Listen oli, I want to tell you something.
What?
This is a bit strange,
but it's not the drink. Did you hear that?
- No. So, the last few days... - Shh.
A kitten.
Look at that.
Wit barstard drapped ye aff?
Why are you talking like that?
It's a Scottish cat. He obviously miaows Scottish.
Reit, Bonnie laddie?
There's no excuse for abandoning an animal.
No matter how ugly.
Don't say that to the cat.
I'm not saying it to him.
Plus, he doesn't understand me, right?
What's up, little guy?
Perhaps I should adopt him.
No, no. I'm going to adopt him.
- Why don't we both adopt him? - Hello.
Then we'd have to live together,
I don't want him growing up in a dysfunctional family.
Better?
What? Well...
His name will be schrodinger.
What?
Schrédinger's cat
schradinger did an experiment to explain quantum physics.
There's a cat in a box
with a vial of poison, and the vial could break or not.
So, before you open the box, the cat may be both alive and dead.
That's why they called it schrédinger's cat.
How long ago was this experiment?
I don't know. 80 years?
Well, the answer is the cat is dead.
He thinks he's funnay, but he's Bonnie.
Yoo'll see,
no, seriously, don't give the cat a freaky name.
They'll pick on him at school,
steal his snacks at playtime...
Do you have a better idea?
Well, I was thinking...
No, it's a horrible name.
Yer nam is schrédinger, isnae ret, Bonnie laddie?
I've got a title for my play.
What is it?
A Saturday in July in the back seat of a blue Volvo,
how I lost my virginity with my cousin and what I learnt that night.
What's it about?
You're so funny! You should be a comedian.
Listen, I've got a joke, see if you laugh.
Let's hear it.
Do you know why they call it the wonderbra?
Because when you take it off,
you wonder where her tits went!
Very funny.
And a perfect example of micro-sexism.
Right.
Someone's about to break your favourite mug.
- No, schrodinger. - Schrédinger.
- How do you say "no"? - My love.
What a guy!
He responds to "my love". Couldn't you just eat him?
Mylove, can ye listen tae me.
Please can ye push wi' yer paw
Mario's mug oan th' fluir?
What did you say?
Ah!
Thanks, my love.
I didn't really like that mug.
I'm going for a shower.
Ok.
Oli, have you seen my trousers?
On top of your suitcase.
Ah, ok.
I'm going to have to learn Scottish, eh?
Ok.
Don't worry if you hear shoots.
Imagine it's a ceilidh.
Three, two...
Mario.
I found this plastic spider.
Do you know anything about it? Maybe it's mylove's.
Did you think I'd be scared of a plastic spider?
Because girls are scared of spiders, right?
Honestly, you've opened my eyes.
The things I learn from you.
I'm off, I've got that casting.
How do I look?
Fabulous.
Great.
Son of a bitch!
There's hundreds of them.
I hope you appreciate it, it cost me a fortune.
Wish me luck.
Good luck!
Working on the tele is selling yourself! You bastard, I love you.
I love you too, nutcase.
Graceful lady from malaga
I wish I could kiss your lips
graceful lady from mala...
We use people as if they're the latest model of mobile phone.
"I'm replacing you with a newer model".
And you can't get angry, we both knew it would happen.
It's the programmed obsolescence of love.
Is there any other choice?
We don't look for a partner, we look for a trophy.
Physical, economic, intellectual...
We want to be a Bob Dylan song
but we write poetry like a kid.
We want to go to the Taj Mahal
on our minimum wage salary.
All love stories
are ghost stories.
You didn't like it, right?
The short time I managed to keep my eyes open, yes.
The two main characters were naked.
I don't know how they managed to make that so boring.
It's not sexual.
They're naked so you focus on the person.
Of course. Well, her, yes, she was very good.
She was great. Oli!
Eva!
Thanks for coming.
I loved it!
- Really? - Really.
- It was a gamble... - It's amazing.
Yes? Thanks.
- This is Mario, my boyfriend. - Hi!
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
I didn't recognise you with clothes on.
And the fact that you were both naked,
there were no sexual connotations or anything, not at all.
I thought the plot was really courageous.
And the poster is cool.
If you've got any left, perhaps I could have one...
Stop me before I say anything else.
I'll let you know if there's any left.
- 0k, cool, right? The poster. - Hey, Matt.
Hi, Olivia. Thanks for coming.
It was beautiful.
- Thanks. - Honestly.
This is Mario, my boyfriend.
- Hi, what's up? - Hi, a pleasure, Mario.
I really liked the piece.
I mean, the play, the Taj Mahal. Really cool, I really enjoyed it.
He's very funny.
Every love story is a ghost story.
That has stayed with me, Matt.
The story came to me while in India, contemplating the Taj Mahal.
I'd love to see it.
You don't need to go.
There are loads of videos and documentaries on the net,
on YouTube: "The Taj Mahal and love",
"ghosts of the Taj Mahal", there must be hundreds of them.
It just takes one click.
Well you should go. Change your perspective of things.
Mario doesn't like travelling. He prefers the telly.
I don't understand why we admire buildings.
The Taj Mahal. I don't see the romance in it.
The emperor shah had it built for one of his wives
and when it was done, he removed the architects' eyes
so they'd never build anything again.
Super romantic. I just want to drop my knickers.
- I had no idea. - Well yes.
It's one of his monologues.
I was going to marry a friend for citizenship.
For our honeymoon, we wanted to help
children with leprosy in India.
My friend died, but I decided to go on the trip.
That's where I wrote the play, in homage to her.
You should have said that first.
No!
Bloody black humour.
Well... well...
Speak soon, ok? 0k,
well... - Nice to meet you.
Congratulations.
- Liked it a lot. - Thank you.
Thanks for coming.
- Thank you. - Let's all meet up one day.
- Ok, ciao. - Bye.
Hey, Matt.
It's been a pleasure. Likewise. Ciao.
- Bye. - Ciao.
So, if I had an affair, you would want me to tell you?
Yes, of course.
But I'll tell you now,
if you have an affair, I don't want you to tell me. Understood?
Understood.
Understood?
Yes, I won't tell you.
- No, bad, Olivia, bad! - Bad, what? That's what you want.
That's what I said, not what I want.
If I know you won't tell me,
how will I relax in this relationship?
You could have a lover and I wouldn't know.
What I wanted was for you to say
that you would tell me,
but that you know you shouldn't tell me.
That's the only way I'll know that if you say nothing
it's because nothing's happened.
But, if something happened and you didn't say,
I would think that nothing had happened.
Do you realise how convoluted that sounds?
Well, yes. It's a little convoluted,
but it's compelling logic.
That evil looking roller coaster is convoluted.
There's no way in hell I'd get on that.
No, no, no. Mario!
It's coming!
I want it to end! I want it to be over!
I want to break up! What?
I think we should leave it.
- What? - I want us to break up.
I'm just no good for long term relationships.
Sorry, I've tried, but I can't, I can't do it.
I feel the need to meet other girls,
but I can't, you're stopping me.
Just the thought that we'll spend the rest of our lives together,
stops me from breathing.
I'm asking myself is this it? Have we reached our limit?
For the first few months, just seeing you was like a drug.
This is terrible, but...
If I want to feel like how I felt in the beginning,
I need to meet new people.
I'm not prepared for this.
You fell for it?
Ladies and gentlemen, and the Oscar goes to...!
Thank you very much, my beloved audience,
for supporting me, you've always been there,
honestly, it's been pleasure.
Do you find this funny, scumbag?
Very. But don't get too close, I peed myself before...
Can we go around again? Please.
How do I look?
Wow, girl. You look amazing.
Are you going out?
Didn't I tell you?
I'm replacing Eva in Matt's play.
No, you didn't tell me.
But, that's cool, right?
Fantastic, get up there on stage for two hours naked.
I don't know why you're so dressed up,
when you get there you have to take it all off.
Why don't you come to see me? I'm scared.
You'll be a success. You'll see.
Especially with the guys and the lesbians.
Plus, I can't, I've got a gig.
Start late. You could see the first act.
Yeah, right, and watch you naked on stage
with the most attractive guy ever
in front of hundreds of people. Right. Don't be silly.
At most, tens of people.
You're so funny.
Are you a comic now?
Fuck me, I'm really nervous.
Don't worry.
Just think that you're naked and they're dressed.
That's exactly what's wrong.
Yes, I meant to say the opposite. Come here.
Guys, there were ten reservations but there's only one spectator.
Shall we cancel?
Only one?
Let me see.
He's not here.
Of course, he's left too.
Let's cancel.
I've had break ups of all types.
I remember when I was with rocio,
I had to leave her
because she called me by my name when we were making love.
She'd say:
"Sorry, I called you Mario, forgive me", crying.
"But my name is Mario!".
She says: "I was referring to another Mario".
But now I'm in love and it's amazing.
But it's also a pain in the ass!
Because in the end, everything goes wrong.
Couples are always destined to break up.
I don't know, for example,
are you two a couple? - Yes.
Yes? Well, you'll break up, sorry.
Do you want to do it here, so we can all have a laugh? No?
Sorry if I'm a bit pessimistic, but it's like that.
I think the only way a couple can end well
is if one of them dies in time.
Just think: Romeo and Juliet, Titanic...
They both fitted on that board,
but Leonardo DiCaprio wanted to leave it on a high.
He didn't want, 20 years later,
to get it in the neck about the toilet seat.
What are you doing there?
I was thinking that...
As we're getting on so well and we're in a good place,
wouldn't it be great to leave it now, and take the happy memories.
What are you saying?
I was watching your monologue, but I left.
I didn't like the bit about couples ending badly.
But I said that because it was a great lead into my joke, but...
You seemed genuine.
Perhaps you're right.
I think you're a great guy,
I'd like to stay friends, but...
What will I think of you in six months?
Or you of me.
Maybe not six, maybe two.
I'm sure you'll start to see faults in me that you didn't see before.
Wouldn't it be better to avoid all that suffering?
No. No, it wouldn't be better.
I'd rather go through that suffering.
You fell for it!
Ah, fuck me.
Bloody hell, find your own jokes!
I don't know what I'd do if you left me.
I'd go help kids with leprosy.
Become some kind of cliché.
I'm not leaving you.
And you can't leave me, so there's no problem.
Why can't I leave you?
That's simple, you couldn't live without mylove.
He could live with both of us.
A couple of months with you and a couple with me.
No, mylove stays with me.
Let's stop talking about who would keep mylove,
we could break up over this nonsense.
But I found him.
You could visit him whenever you wanted.
You know there are lawyers that specialise in custody of pets.
Yeah, but you won't call one,
that would be ridiculous.
No, no. Well, unless you forced me into it, of course.
- But we're not going to break up. - No, we won't break up.
Of course not. But if we did break up...
- We're not going to. - No.
But he'd stay with me.
For the well being of the cat,
my client suggests he spends a season with each of his guardians.
Are you really doing this to me?
My client requests custody in the summer
because you get naked in the heat
and the tattoo on your left buttock scares the cat.
I've split up with my girl.
It's very complicated because we have a cat.
We have shared custody.
But it's just not the same anymore, now it gets it's claws out,
it hisses at me, it doesn't eat...
But it's normal, she's my ex.
But with the cat, great. We get on well.
The problem is she used to talk to him in Scottish,
I don't understand a thing.
When I see the pair of them talking,
I ask the cat what they're saying and he looks at me like:
"Our stuff". Dornt listen, it's nae worth it.
He doesn't like me being nosy because curiosity killed the cat.
- Hello. - Mario, no!
I'm here for mylove.
You can't come in without knocking. Give me the keys.
I think someone is having a hard time getting over someone.
I've come for mylove. This isn't your house.
Fine, ok,
understood.
Where is he?
- Mylove. - Mylove?
Mylove, whaur ur ye?
Mylove...
What's going on?
Mylove!
- Whaur ur ye, mylove? - Whaur are you?
Whaur ur ye?
Whaur are you?
Lost my love responds to Scottish
It's ridiculous, Olivia. "Lost mylove".
You could have put something else. He only responds to "mylove".
But you could have put "missing cat" or "lost cat" and the name underneath.
It's like the joke about the dog called titswobble.
"Officer, have you seen mylove?"
Do you talk about our break up in your monologue?
Yes, a hit.
You're on the telly a lot.
Stand up involves talking about your life, and yes, I mention...
Things about us. - Yeah.
But everyone has their own version of events.
I suppose so.
"Lost mylove".
Are you ok?
I really miss mylove.
- Your girlfriend or the cat? - Yes.
Hello? - Hello.
I'm calling about the lost cat.
Yes, but it's a real cat that's called mylove.
It's not a marketing campaign.
No, we've found him.
We're sure it's the one in the photo. Really?
Are you sure? - Yes,
ok, I'll come over.
They've got him. Yes! Go!
This is Olivia. Don't leave a message, I won't listen to it.
Mylove!
Where were you, rascal?
You've already spent 6 lives, don't risk it.
Thanks a lot for calling. Really.
What are your names? - Mabel.
Marian.
Mabel and Marian.
I'm Mario.
So...
He's super cute.
We were hoping you wouldn't answer.
Right.
So, I was thinking...
Do you have some kind of...
Ring or...
Something original, that's not like a ring.
For your girlfriend?
Siri, how do you say "bloody cat" in a Scottish accent?
Bludy moggie.
That's right, bludy moggie.
You're a bludy moggie.
Hello?
Hello.
- Why don't you call first? - I was calling but you didn't answer.
- It's not a good time. We'll talk later. - No, it's important.
We need to buy shampoo.
Hey Mario.
What's up, Matt?
And...
What are you doing here?
Have you still not told him?
Sorry you have to find out like this...
Olivia and I are going to get married.
What's he saying?
We're getting married for citizenship.
- Why "citizenship" in quotations? - I meant "married".
And you didn't think to tell me?
It's hard to find the right time to say it.
Yes, it's true.
It happens to me. I had surgery, I used to be a woman. Very tall.
I never found he right time to tell you.
I'll leave you alone.
Mario,
they ask so many questions to ensure it's not a marriage of convenience.
So you're telling me
that immigration is forcing you to fuck each other.
Matt and I live together.
We may have had a thing or two, but as friends.
The typical fuckmate/hushand?
Why are we talking about this. Why are you here? Leave.
I don't know why he needs citizenship.
I'm from Argentina.
No way.
Since when are Argentinians...
Now you're racist too?
Leave, please.
I came to talk about the cat. Do you remember our cat?
You don't have an accent.
- Shall I put one on? - What's wrong with mylove?
He's been found.
- Why didn't you say? - I got sidetracked by your wedding news.
Where is he?
- Mario, where is mylove? - Dead, ok?
The cat is dead.
I'm sorry.
It's better if I leave.
Come here.
What the hell have I done?
Wit th' heel hae ah dain?
Alright, I see.
Your nationality?
Spanish.
- And your partner? - Argentina.
What is your partner's star sign?
Really?
Yes.
Pisces.
Taurus.
Imagine her temperament.
What are the names of the parents of your future spouse?
I call them "mum and dad".
William... William and Marina.
What side of the bed does he sleep on?
Is that really a question?
Please, answer.
On the left.
Although the other day, he fell asleep on top.
When you finish a relationship and you're a real man
you want your partner to be ok,
that she's alright, but not amazing.
Should she find love? Yes. You want her to find love,
but with an average guy, an insurance salesman,
with a bit of a belly, side parting, called Tony.
At best, he's a stamp collector. That's all.
We all want a Tony for our exes.
But that doesn't always happen.
My ex had the great idea of getting together with
a black, Argentinian engineer.
You're thinking the same as me.
A black Argentinian?
I didn't know they existed. How exotic.
You should see him. He's 6 foot 2,
flawless skin, by the way,
and he works for a charity.
He could sing you a tango, brew you a mate, or help children with leprosy.
I want to fuck him too.
- What are you doing? - Can you use headphones?
I'm using headphones, smart ass.
They work better if you connect them, smart ass.
A Saturday in July in the back seat of a blue Volvo
how I lost my virginity with my cousin and what I learnt that night
we've got Mario laguna here with us.
Your film is off the charts.
You play a guy
who loses his memory before his wedding.
Well, basically, he receives a blow to the head
and...
And well, in my case...
As much as I've tried, and as many blows as I've given myself,
there's someone I just can't forget.
Let's continue with the programme, the opening of the play:
“You're quite funny for a woman”.
It's not irony, it's the title of a monologue.
Tonight in the luchana theatre at quarter past ten.
You didn't imagine your first time like that.
I really didn't,
but I've learnt something.
What have you learnt?
That Volvo seats
are very uncomfortable.
I also learnt something.
Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.
- What? That wasn't in the script. - They've finally laughed.
Hae ye seen?
See hoo Bonnie Olivia is.
Wit ur you doing, scoundrel?
You liked her photo.
Why do you do these things, scoundrel?
Because...
You're a scoundrel. Is that how I say it?
Or do I have to buy a dictionary?
It's really uncomfortable to read it like this.
I want to see your reactions.
Or you could tell me you like it, even if it was shit.
Ah, alright.
Thankfully, I've finished
and?
I like it.
Yes.
The characters...
They're both idiots, in a good way, I mean.
They could be any one of us.
They're nice but very childish,
you can't get angry with them even though you hate them.
It could be called "story of two idiots".
I told you it's autobiographical, right?
Yes? No...
It's sad they don't work it out, and that the cat dies.
That's life. We can discuss the end.
The important thing is it's great,
and I can't wait to direct it.
The actors are going to love it.
You could win an Oscar with these roles.
Like Tom Hanks for Forrest Gump.
You should be nicer to me, I could spit in your beer.
You wouldn't do that.
You're going to scatter the ashes
that they gave you in the pet crematorium.
You're in the countryside.
It's romantic and sad at the same time.
That has to show. - Yes.
Beautiful. - Right...
"Do you think this is a good place
to throw mylove's ashes into the wind?"
"Why is there a fag end in mylove's ashes?"
"Perhaps... he was a secret smoker".
Just a minute, Raul.
I'll kill him!
He's a like a kick in the stomach.
Perhaps he could be the cat.
We need to find someone else.
Ok. Just one thing...
I'm going for a cigarette.
Ok? Raul, start warming up.
Warm up, yes.
"Perhaps he was a secret smoker".
It's was the fag end, right?
Ok, ok, ok.
Blinking heck!
"Double delicacies, with ocean fish
in a sauce with spinach".
Shit, man,
your cat eats better than me.
It's not my cat
and yes, indeed,
it eats better than me.
I tried one of these cans
and I started to purr.
I'll swap it for a cigarette. No, this is free.
I'm Dani, nice to meet you.
I'm a talent agent. - Ernesto,
I started directing a play today.
Who is the caviar for?
Mario laguna, he lives nearby.
Mario laguna lives here?
Give him the script and convince him to play the lead role.
He's perfect, famous, charismatic, he speaks well...
Mmm yummy.
The guy who wrote wedding salad has given us a script.
- Alright. - I laughed a lot.
It's not your usual mind swap story.
You have a hamster called socks.
- Socks? - Yes, the hamster.
You're fed up with work, with your girlfriend...
And you're jealous of socks, always so chilled on his wheel.
And on one stormy night, you look at him and say:
"I wish I could swap with you".
What happens?
You swap minds!
Wow! I didn't see that coming! Well, well...
What a script!
It's a challenge,
you'd have to do the hamster voice,
act like a human, but with the mind of a hamster.
I know lots of people like that.
And this script?
It's not a script, it's a play. I met the director.
They're rehearsing here, in that fleapit.
When I told him
you live here, he started seeing dollar signs.
Yeah, I bet...
Actually, I wouldn't mind doing some theatre.
Theatre?
Have you ever seen a play in your life?
I've seen loads of plays.
In fact, I'm a fan of antonin artaud and the theatre of cruelty.
Antonin artaud? You just made that name up.
My lost love?
"I don't like travelling".
"Do you know the taj matal..." No,
"the.. M
"do you know the takh..."
"The tal..."
"The tal mahalk?
People think it's romantic,
but...
It was a gift...
From... from tan shan...
The emperor shan..."
No, " shan... shan...
Jahan... jahan shaja...
For his emperor..." No, his wife.
The other one. "His favourite wife..."
"The Taj Mahal
was a gift from the great emperor shah jahan
to his favourite wife."
Do we have an aide?
People say "how romantic". But I don't see it.
When, to build this palace,
they had to kill 20,000 slaves, and the architects
had their eyes removed.
That makes him the lowest of ass kissers in history.
What are you doing here?
You know I'm a fan of the theatre.
Can we talk for a minute?
I moan? You're the one allergic to the life.
Do you know what else? - What?
- I'm a drunk? You're the drunk! - Can we smoke here?
Olivia doesn't let us. Better that than a twat!
You've written a play about us
and you don't tell me. You talk us in your comedy monologues.
Why did you put "monologues" in quotations?
I made a mistake! I meant "comedy"!
Look, this is bullshit, it's a delusion, ok?
You're ripping it up. Very good.
I didn't know the play was about Mario.
It's destiny, he has to play the lead role.
He won't play that role.
- You can only do it if I play the lead. - Now you think you're an actor?
Of course, I'm a professional actor. I live from my work.
In the same way we can say that you're a professional waitress.
- Are you the director? - Yes.
When is rehearsal? I'll be half an hour early.
At nine. I'll be half an hour late.
He's not going to be in my play. Put out the fag!
It's our story.
It's like the dialogues have been transcribed.
And it makes me look an idiot.
How did she manage that?
I don't understand who would be interested.
Well,
you talk about it in your monologues. It's not the same.
No? It's not the same.
Are you Mario laguna? What?
Can we have a photo with you?
- Of course. - Yes.
Come on... Mario laguna. The legend.
It's to screw over my boyfriend.
- Another. - We're going to a party.
Do you want to come?
Well, it's just, we're up early tomorrow.
We wanted an early night. Well...
Hang on... not early, early.
He's not even an actor!
He's a professional actor. We're waiters.
Stop saying that!
Listen, if Mario is in it, we could do it here.
Here?
- Fuck, Mario, wake up! - Who are you? What day is it? What time?
You're supposed to be a serious actor today, remember?
Your first rehearsal started half an hour ago.
Give me five minutes, please.
Danny, it's Mario,
listen,
I may not want to get up tomorrow
so do whatever you need to wake me up.
With the power that semi-sober Mario granted me...
- Watch out! - Fuck, keep it down!
Fuck! Not like that! Not like that!
Mario,
not like that.
Not like that.
- Are you sure you're ok? - Yes.
Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Perfect.
Ok, let's start! Go to page 15.
The first day and he has a hangover.
I preferred your look in the other play.
Could you start reading, please?
"I think I've drunk too much".
"Did you hear that?
I think it's a cat.
Kitty!
What bastard abandoned you?"
"There's no excuse for abandoning an animal.
He's an ugly bastard".
You have to project.
Ernesto can't hear you.
Tell him to come closer.
The whole theatre has to hear you. Project!
"There's no excuse for abandoning an animal".
Louder.
"There's no excuse for abandoning an animal".
"You're a bloody spoiler machine
the red wedding, twin peaks and now the book".
"I ruined Hamlet for you?" "I didn't know ofelia died."
I thought you knew because it's bloody Hamlet
after 400 years, it's not a spoiler...
"Stop denying me things! You do it on purpose, to show me up.
You know I haven't read it".
"Prepare yourself,
because sleeping beauty wakes up and Romeo and Juliet die".
"I know, I saw the film".
This didn't really happen. Right...
- Sorry, what did you say? - Can you project a bit more?
"You won't believe it. I've found my favourite childhood film.
Cucumber fest in the girl's school",
you have to project your voice.
Sorry, Mario, we all have to hear you.
The voice has to come from your stomach.
It's not that easy.
Imagine that it starts in your stomach and comes out from your mouth.
"Cucumber fest in the girl's school”.
That's it, very good, fantastic.
So, what role am I playing?
Let's go to the famous scene about the pill-head cat.
Mylove had to take a tablet for his kidneys.
Come on, mylove. Tak' th' tablet, it's guid fur ye.
Come on.
The drug addict cat hitting all the clubs.
It's fur yer kidney, mylove.
Come on...
Let's see, oli,
don't worry.
Let's think,
what's the best way to make someone take a pill?
Listening to dance music.
Dae ye want th' pill?
The first one is free.
You two are really going for it.
This has been oddly good, let's move on.
Fuck me stanislavski.
If you relax, the audience relaxes.
Oli,
we need to talk.
Alright, I'm off.
I wanted to tell you something too.
I don't know how to say this.
The day I told you that mylove died,
I was at your house because I wanted to tell you something.
But Matt was there naked and... He was wearing trousers.
- In my head he was naked. - I'm going to marry Matt.
You're kidding?
With the black guy?
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
We're taking the immigration test again.
And like last time, you didn't tell me.
You didn't want me to tell you, remember?
Alright.
Ok.
You wanted to tell me something?
No, no... nothing.
Nothing at all. 0k.
Fancy it? Impossible, I'm really busy.
- Not even a quick half? - I'm stupidly busy today.
Another day.
Fine, see you. - Bye.
Eva, are you busy tonight?
No, why?
I'm a bit rusty on a few scenes,
perhaps you could help me?
I've got whisky at home.
That would help you really get into the character of Olivia.
Alright...
Why not?
How cute. What's his name?
Socks.
- Socks? - Yes, he likes them a lot.
He gobbles them up.
The thing between you and Olivia is bizarre.
Bizarre, why?
She's decided to marry Matt,
and I wish them all the best.
We've drunk half a bottle and we haven't even started.
Well, test me.
Read any page, I know it all. 0k,
"Olivia laughs, looks at Mario and they kiss".
But, did you read that page...
By chance or...?
I'm almost completely sure.
Olivia...
My name's Eva.
Or are we still rehearsing?
When did your partner last menstruate?
What?
Sorry, sorry, that wasn't for you.
Does your fiancé have tattoos?
Yes.
She's got a sexy one on her hip.
It's sexy because it's on her bum.
It's Karl Marx in a heart.
It scares me a lot.
Socks won't stop looking at my bum.
He misses Carlos Marx.
Who?
Nevermind.
Go on, get oot.
Get oot. Oot.
Is that Irish?
No, it's Scottish.
Right.
This test is to identify whether this is a marriage of convenience.
It is not a joke.
What marriage isn't for convenience?
If you marry for citizenship it's illegal.
But if you're hung like a horse?
Isn't that for convenience?
We only want to know
is if you're in love.
Do you realise how arrogant that sounds?
Isn't it reason enough to fall in love because that person needs you?
I honestly don't know.
Or fall in love because they make you laugh?
Or get it wrong
and choose an idiot for a partner.
Isn't that our most personal right?
- Of course it's our right. - Of course.
I need to call Victoria, I'm mad about her.
- Call Victoria! - She's my sister.
Yes,
adopted, ok?
Love is free.
Love is free. Excuse me.
Vicky!
I love you, Victoria!
No, no, no,
I've never been better.
I'm thinking clearly.
Do you miss 'er too?
We'll see her again soon, ah swear.
I just need th' reit time to tell her you're not kaput.
I'm sure she'll understand.
Yeah, you're right,
she'll kill me.
But I'll tell her tomorrow, alright?
Eva.
I'm going to the theatre.
Don't leave yet,
I don't want Olivia to find out, Olivia or anyone else.
Nobody needs to find out, this is really bad.
Give me a sign if you're hungover.
Ok, look, I've brought you an aspirin.
Take it when you get up.
And when you leave
pull the door until it goes "clack",
then forget it all.
Alright?
There's the aspirin.
Shit.
Socks.
Stop, mylove.
That's it, very good.
Good boy, good boy.
Come here, come here.
So you're mylove.
My friend!
Hey!
Shall we start?
I don't think so because...
Eva's not here. I think she's running late.
Why's that?
I don't know. The truth is...
Why are we talking about Eva? What nonsense.
So... oli,
I need to tell you something.
Well, a few things and it's not easy. Mario...
Please.
Let me go first, ok?
The first thing is
I need you to open your mind
and secondly, stay calm.
It's about us and the...
The?
Actually? I...
Let's talk later, alright? A bit... later.
What... I wanted to say that...
Sorry for making things difficult, but I think...
Because I also feel... Of course. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, I understand, very interesting, but I have to go.
Because I've got a situation, a big one.
You understand, right? - Yes.
Yes? Great.
- So... talk later? - Yes, of course.
Tell me I'm not paranoid.
You didn't bring a cat?
He escaped and the door went "clack".
- What the hell do we do? - It's Olivia's, right?
- Both of ours. - Look,
my hangover is too bad to listen to Olivia shouting when she finds out
I'm leaving.
Go for it,
good luck.
Stay there, stay thare, thore, thure.
Hey Ernesto,
I'm a bit rough. Why don't we cancel the rehearsal?
We've got it down. Go get a beer, I'll close up.
It's ten in the morning.
Ten is the new twelve.
Stop talking nonsense. Let's see how good this punch bag is.
- Why don't we leave this for tomorrow? - No way.
Alright, page 45.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Remember?
How could I forget?
- Let's leave it, no? - Seriously?
The first thing I learnt to do
was to sweep
to iron
to wash and to sew
but seeing that these things
- stop it, eh? - Yes.
That won't do!
It'll do - no.
You stop it. Come on then.
Considering how much you like drama, you're not so bad at comedy.
Ah, you're improvising.
Alright... well, I'm going for a smoke.
I'll leave you... alone.
I'm sorry, Olivia,
sorry for everything that's happened.
If only it could be like before.
And there's something I want to tell you...
I'm sorry too.
I don't even know why we broke up.
Because we were scared of breaking up.
What a fucking stupid reason.
Oh!
A cat?
For a moment I thought it was... He's really similar.
Kitty, you're the same as mylove.
There was something I needed to explain,
but... what?
Mylove wasn't quite so dead.
I mean, I made it up a bit. That's mylove?
Mylove!
Mylove, is that you?
Mylove...
Hello.
Hello!
You're a monster!
It's good news. You used to think he was dead.
Murderer!
Yes, murderer, but not for real.
I messed up, alright.
We scattered his ashes!
But isn't it great that he's alive. Think about it!
I never want to see you again.
He's in one heck of a coma.
Not surprising with the blow he took.
What's his name?
Mylove.
He's called mylove.
Lovely name.
He responds to mylove, but officially it's schrodinger
after schrddinger's cat.
Yes, I got it.
I have to tell you that...
There's a 50% chance he won't wake up.
Like schrddinger's cat.
I'll let you know if anything changes.
Excuse me?
I'll know if anything changes, he's my cat too.
No, he's not your cat. Forget that. He's mine.
Talk tomorrow at rehearsals.
Don't even think about coming. You're out of the play!
That will be decided by the producer, which, by the way, is me.
Do you really want this? Do you want to start a war?
The war has already started.
I don't want to see you in the theatre.
Best you don't go there then. Drive.
Right, now we have a surprise.
A comedian that is all the rage.
And today he's bringing us a new style of comedy.
Hold on tight.
The great...
Mario laguna, an applause please!
Have you ever found yourself entering
that strange dynamic when
you try to make life impossible for the person you love the most?
And she tries to hurt you in every possible way and...
And you do the same to her.
But you want it to stop.
But you only make it worse.
That happened to me.
I don't know how we got so low, but...
The other day
I drifted off for one minute.
I swear it was only one minute.
What are you doing? They're looking for you.
I'm almost done.
Done with what?
Fuck me!
He'll wake up.
I put three sleeping pills in his beer.
Do you know how hard henna is to remove?
"I think with my dick.”
You have no idea how difficult it is to remove a henna tattoo.
I scrubbed my forehead so hard, that it hurts a lot, my forehead.
I mean,
it's not that I...
Have been a Saint.
Let's go to the first kiss scene.
Let's see if the false door works.
That's what I meant when I said Olivia is always angry.
What's wrong?
And then, the usual.
Itching powder in underwear,
salt instead of sugar in coffee...
It still had a certain humour.
- This is getting out of hand - Danny, don't worry.
They're just innocent jokes.
Come on, take me a photo
you haven't read one script that I've sent you.
I'm more focussed on theatre now.
It's a much superior form of artistic expression.
What are you doing?
Take a photo of my asshole.
Make it as disgusting as you can. Let's see if I have a bad side.
Mario, for god's sake...
Olivia always complained she wanted hot pictures
and I never sent her any. Micro-sexism on my part.
Go for it.
Yes?
Some areas are difficult to illuminate. Turn the flash on.
All I want is...
To say sorry
and to end all this.
I also want her to say sorry. The same happened to me.
Excuse me, can you pass this to Mario?
Damn, I'm inventing a new genre:
Stand-up drama.
Here, Mario.
Thanks.
Stand-up drama
consists in standing here saying things that aren't fucking funny.
I think I've got it nailed.
Shit! What the hell!
This is tabasco!
It was her! It was her!
Where are you, witch?
I wasn't expecting so many people.
Mario is very famous.
He's the best son-in-law we've ever had.
The poster is weird.
I'm hung like a field mouse
he can't be hung like a field mouse?
I hope not.
He's so cute.
I don't have a dick like a mouse!
- He's so funny... - He's a sweetie...
Guys,
the theatre is full. Thanks to me.
Ten minutes until we open.
Put your differences aside for the play, ok?
I've no problem putting anything aside, if she just apologises.
Me say sorry to you? Cat killer!
This has gone to far!
I don't want to watch you kill each other on stage.
Bye guys. Lots, but lots of luck.
Don't wish us luck, this is theatre! They say break a leg.
Someone has looked up theatre on Wikipedia.
Yes, someone was searching on Wikipedia for your name.
Guess what it said? Nothing.
Do you know why? You're not there.
And I am.
Guys, I want a gesture of friendship right now.
Now.
Break a leg, Mario.
Break a leg, Olivia.
You always had strong hands. For a girl.
Micro-sexist.
Macro-idiot.
By the way, because you removed the eyebrows,
I've got you a present.
Massive brows.
To wear tonight. - Thanks a lot.
As you've still got traces of the dick on your head,
I've brought you something.
Break a leg, Mario
you might prefer it.
You disgusting bitch...
Wipe here.
- It's starting. - Great.
It was Wednesday at five in the morning,
and I was as drunk as a skunk.
Aren't her eyebrows a bit big?
That's a micro-sexism.
Maybe she's tired of the patriarchy forcing her into waxing them.
- Right. - "Graceful..."
Animal!
Break a leg.
Literally.
- Do you think they hurt themselves? - No, it's all choreography.
Are you ok?
Do you want to go for dinner one day?
What?
If we ended up together,
we'd have an amazing story about how we met.
Like notting hill on steroids.
We play something similar in my village,
it was called "drink".
You first. Don't be sexist.
Please, you first. - Alright.
That's vinegar, bitch.
Soap?
You wet the bed once.
- Fuck, oli, I was drunk. - You were stood up, aiming.
A present, from my field mouse to you.
Mylove!
How are you mylove? This is for you.
Nothing, he must be in the bathroom.
Is that tabasco?
It's not funny,
that one's already done.
Last shot.
For the lady.
It's good, I'm scared. What is it?
Almond milk.
But I'm allergic, you psycho!
Don't you like the theatre of cruelty?
How would I know? We only just met.
Mario, I'm allergic! What?
I need adrenaline!
- What do you need? - Adrenaline!
Adrenaline! Look, what luck!
I happen to have a little bit of adrenaline.
Give it to me... Who wants adrenaline?
Mario, honestly!
I'll give it to you,
if you say please
to my great big cock.
Mario!
Olivia is fantastic.
I'm really impressed.
Ah sorry, I messed up,
it wasn't almond milk, it was a syrup.
The first night has made me go all...
Oli, oli, oli, oli!
Oli you're losing it. Oli, oli!
- I told you it would go badly. - I'm sure that as it's the opening night
they'll be taking it steady.
It's Eva.
- What. - Ernesto, there's a brawl on stage.
- Not steady at all. - People are laughing.
They think it's part of the play.
Yes? Who is it?
It's the vet.
That's great news.
The cat is out of the coma.
Perfect, ask if we can pick him up.
- One moment. - I'm not talking to you.
- Where are you? - We're getting the cat. It's better.
Thank god.
Bye.
We've seen half of Woody Allen's filmography.
We were on the point of becoming friends.
What are you doing? I want to do a monologue too.
Fine, fine, fine.
When you meet a girl
and you make friends,
you can no longer have feelings for her.
So I didn't want to make friends with Olivia because...
Because I was falling in love with her.
Culebra got a tattoo with "Olivia" in a heart.
And?
Olivia with a h.
I had to do something.
Yes, yes, yes?
- Olivia? - Yes, what is it?
I think I left my phone in your house. Well...
- I don't see it. - I can't manage without my phone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do I do? Want to come look?
- You don't mind? - Come on, come on.
Ok.
Hey, mylove! He's done so well!
Strong as an ox.
Kitty,
right now your parents
are about to kill each other on stage.
You could have put "lost cat” or "missing cat".
With the cat's name underneath. This is like...
The joke about the dog called titswobble.
What are you doing?
I'm starting to like this.
More and more.
Hitching? What sort of psychopath
will pick us up at this time of night?
Do you need a ride somewhere?
This psychopath.
There we go.
I'm in the police.
Well, I was.
They sacked me for throwing some kids from a boat to save them
from an explosion that I caused
to catch a Colombian drug dealer
who ripped me off selling me really bad cocaine...
Anyway, let's do this. Emergency! Emergency of love!
Of love!
- Fuck! - Mylove's ashes.
When I introduced him to my dad
he asked what Cologne he wears and bought the same.
It's been like fucking my father ever since.
What's up? You do monologues now?
When she told me she was marrying Matt, I already had the ring
because I wanted to marry her. I was ready to kneel, but...
I never dared say it.
Do you know what a turtle's orgasm is like?
The same as Mario's.
When we broke up,
I became a zombie,
a soul in torment.
Yes, I went out, had beers with friends,
talked to them, but...
It was incredible.
They didn't even realise
I was dead inside.
- He's an outstanding actor. - And he smells great.
Do you know what my orgasms with Mario were like?
No?
Me neither!
Oli, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
Adrenaline.
There were no nuts...
It was syrup.
Oli, oli, you're scaring me.
Oli, oli, oli!
Oli!
Oli, Olivia!
Help!
She's not breathing.
- Eva, call a doctor. - I'm going.
Oli.
What have we done?
Fuck, what have we done, oli?
Oli.
I just wanted you to forgive me.
Fuck! What have we done? Who am I?
I just wanted you to forgive me.
I'm you.
Now you know how it feels
when you think someone you love has died.
What's up?
Do you find it funny?
It was a horrific joke.
Why are you laughing?
It's not funny at all.
It's a dreadful joke.
But,
the other option was you not waking up.
So I think it was wonderful.
Mylove!
Mylove, yoo're awe rite.
- Mylove. - Hey!
- Mylove. - Hello.
Hello.
Tell me whit tae dae,
forgive heem?
Whit did the Lassie say?
He says och aye.
Mario is perfect.
The best boyfriend she's ever had.
Alright, Olivia,
do you consent to and accept to enter into marriage?
Yes, but I mean...
Saying "yes, I consent" sounds terrible, like I had no choice.
Then say, "yes, I accept".
Alright, well yes, I accept. I accept.
Very well.
And you, Mateo... - Matt.
That's it. And you, Matt,
do you consent to and accept to enter into marriage?
Yes,
I consent.
Very well. You may kiss now,
or not, if you don't want to...
We don't know why you're marrying...
I won't say a word, it's fine by me.
What can I say? I hooked up with my sister.
You're now husband and wife.
Just one thing,
if anyone wants to throw rice, even ironically,
should know that they'll get a not very ironic beating.
Translation: Joanne maddocks subtitles: Bbo subtitulado