(static crackling)
(bats chirping)
(static crackling)
(eerie music)
(static crackling)
(ghostly groaning)
(screaming)
(eerie music)
- [Announcer] Here she comes, the woman that makes
you ask are those lash marks or stretch marks?
Are those remnants of lustful pains or varicose veins?
It's Sister Sadie Safeword!
- Seriously?
That is my intro?
- [Announcer] What?
I, uh, said your name right, didn't I?
- I will have you know I am 100% grade A fresh as a daisy.
Stretch marks?
I don't see any!
I don't see any on these pumpkins.
Anyway, enough of that, cretin,
how are my movie-loving maggots?
Are you ready for another painful picture
to pound your putrid peepers into submission?
(crowd cheering)
Good to hear, my wormy weirdos.
You have pleased your mistress.
But do not think that I will go easy on you.
I'm in a very torturous mood.
Slave, bring me the sack of cinematic sadism!
Thank you, slave.
You will be thrashed soundly for your loyal service.
Let's see what we have today.
What in the holy hell?
Horndog's Beach Party.
What, what is this?
Is this like a porno or something?
Is this even a real movie?
- [Announcer] It's on tape, isn't it?
- Of course it's on tape.
But look at it, look at the label.
It looks like child wrote this.
- [Announcer] A movie is a movie is a movie, right?
I mean, do you think our audience tunes in for high art?
- I would hope that they tune in for these babies.
The movies are just, how you say, gravy.
- [Announcer] Whatever helps you sleep at night, sister.
- Don't make me come over there!
Anyway, let's get to the movie or whatever this is.
I don't know, your guess is as good as mine.
If is beach party,
perhaps there will be girls in bikinis.
Or maybe there will be sand where it doesn't belong.
Now that is true torture!
I will be back to check on
the progress of your torture soon.
You know, I went to beach once.
There was beautiful sun, happy people,
children laughing, I hated it!
(static crackling)
- [Announcer] Come on down to
the 10th annual Horndog's Beach Party.
Located on beautiful Venice Beach, California.
And oh boy, do we have all sorts of fun
in store for your whole family.
(upbeat music)
Plus, our famous wet t-shirt competition for adults only.
This Sunday, don't miss it.
Sponsored by the Riverside County Jaycees.
(static crackling)
(upbeat music)
- Hey man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm out here by the paddle boats.
Alright.
Yeah, I'll see you in a little bit.
(upbeat music)
(car horn honking)
(peaceful music)
- [Cory] This is so awesome that your aunt
let us have the condo for the weekend!
- Well, at least part of it.
You know, Auntie Brinke never lets a buck go to waste.
- Hmm, I really hope the two girls are actually cool.
- I'm sure they'll be good.
It's just I hope they don't party too hard.
- [Cory] When did you become such a buzzkill?
Didn't you use to rule the beach party scene?
- (laughing) That was like 30 years ago!
(upbeat music)
- Thanks man, get ya on the app.
- Dude, this is gonna be so sick.
Look at this.
- Hey fellas.
(seagulls crying)
- Huh, uh, I guess nobody's here to meet us yet.
- Let me see.
It says if this guy named Dusty isn't here
just get the key from under the doormat.
- Oh.
Here it is.
Got it!
(record scratching music)
Not bad!
Not bad at all.
- This will do.
Two bad it's only two bedrooms.
- Yeah.
We'll just have to take turns
when we got the chicks in there.
- Oh, yeah!
- Hey, nice day, ladies!
- Hi!
- So you think we can do it?
- What?
- Come on, man!
The best beach party ever!
- Hope so.
I guess we'll have to see what our weekend roommates think.
- Yeah.
Hey, you okay?
- Yeah, just don't like travel.
- That's true.
Those 4 a.m. flights suck.
- Hey, do you need the bathroom?
I'm gonna take a shower.
- Ah, no, I'm cool.
- Cool.
- Sweet.
(knocking on door)
- Check under the doormat for the key.
- Okay.
They must already have it.
Hmm, maybe they're already down at the beach?
(upbeat music)
Hey, this place is pretty sweet!
- I've been here a few times back in high school.
Always had fun.
(upbeat music)
- Killer view!
I can't wait to get down there.
- I think I hear the shower.
- I'm gonna go pee and change.
- Shouldn't you wait until she's done?
- It'll be fine.
It's a great way to meet new people.
(upbeat music)
Hello!
I hope you don't mind.
We just got in and I need to go change.
Is that okay?
- Uh, sure.
- Thanks.
It sure is a nice place here.
- [Loren] Mhmm.
- I'm gonna go change real quick
and go down to the beach.
You should join us.
- [Loren] Sounds like fun!
(toilet flushing)
- [Cory] Whoops, sorry!
(knocking on door)
(upbeat music)
(screaming)
- What was that?
- Whoa!
- Okay, what's the deal?
- They're guys!
- What?
Who are you?
Why are you here?
- We're obviously here because of your double D.
- You son of a bitch.
Cory, call the police.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
We're here because of the Desired Destination Rental.
- Hold up.
Here's our receipt for the Desired Destination Rental.
- It says Stacy and Loren.
- Yeah, I'm Stacy.
- And I'm Loren.
- So, who are you two?
- I'm Dusty.
- And I'm Cory.
- What the hell are we gonna do about this?
- Do about what?
We already paid Brinke or whoever, here's our receipt.
- There's no hotel rooms within 20 miles,
we just have to make it work.
- I'm gonna call Auntie Brinke about this.
- Excuse me, is it okay if I go back and change.
- Uh, I'm gonna go get something on too, okay?
- So...
I'll come change too.
(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Hi, Auntie Brinke.
- Oh, hi Dusty.
Did you and Cory make it okay?
- Yes we did, thank you.
- Is everything alright?
- Well, there's a slight issue.
- Oh no, what's that?
- We are having to share it with a couple
of guys who rented through Desired Destination.
- What?
I thought I turned those two down.
- Well, they're here.
- That doesn't make any sense.
I specifically turned down Brad and Tad
and accepted Loren and Stacy so there
wouldn't be any boy trouble.
- Loren and Stacy are here.
- Did they bring Brad and Tad with them?
If so, I'm really gonna be pissed.
I told them no more than two for their group.
- No, there is no Brad and Tad here.
- Well that's good.
What two boys did Loren and Stacy bring with them?
- Just themselves.
- Well then I don't see the issue.
Hopefully they're a couple of nice girls.
- No, Loren and Stacy are the boys.
- Really?
Did Brad and Tad change their names just to get the place?
- No, Brad and Tad are nowhere here!
Loren are Stacy are two totally different guys.
- So instead of Brad and Tad, I accepted
two other boys that I thought were girls?
- Yes!
- Huh, I wonder why their parents named them like that?
Oh well.
- So is there anything we can--
- Oh, I'm so sorry, I gotta get going.
I'm sure you'll all work it out.
Oh, and don't get too crazy there,
Brigitte still likes to freak out and call
the neighborhood association at the first sign of fun.
- But--
- You know, she had the nerve to call them a few
weeks ago when I had the music up too loud.
It's a good thing she didn't know
why I really had it up so loud.
I bet her gardener is still smiling (laughing).
Anyway, y'all have a great time.
Love you.
(doorbell ringing)
- I'm in insanity land.
(bemusing music)
Yes?
- Hi, I'm Brad, and this is Tad.
- 'Sup.
- [Dusty] Of course you are.
- You know it, dude.
Are you Loren or Stacy?
- [Dusty] I'm Dusty.
- Ooh, dirty name.
Cool, brah.
- Anyway, is Loren or Stacy here?
Just wanted to tell 'em no hard feelings
on losing the place to them.
We got a room just down the street
and was wondering if those two chicks wanted
to join us in that Horndog Beach Party competition?
- They are dudes and not your type.
- Bro, that sucks.
- Dude, I know.
- What's up, bro?
She was so uncool, bro.
- Dude, that chick definitely had some
kind of massive stick up her ass.
- Totally bro.
I mean, what are we gonna do?
Those two chicks have the best spot
on the beach and we can't even use it.
- I don't know, dude.
- And what about those two chicks being dudes?
I mean, what's up with that?
- Dude, I think we may have to do
something about these two dudes.
- Like what, bro?
- Dude, the way I look at it,
if we can't have the best spot on the beach
for a party, we're gonna make sure these two dudes
and Miss Stick-up-her-ass don't win the best beach party.
- I knew it!
They're planning a party.
- Totally, bro.
- Totally, dude.
- However, they do look very nice.
No, I mustn't give in to temptation!
I've gotta let the neighborhood association know.
Right.
They won't take my calls anymore without proof.
Well, if it's proof they want, it's proof they'll get!
- Dude, what are we gonna do about this?
- I don't know.
Um, it's really awkward.
Uh, we could make sure, we could go talk to them,
or try to figure out how to make it less awkward.
- I mean, I guess we could talk to them,
but I thought we were just gonna have
like a dude's party weekend.
This was gonna be sick.
Now we got two chicks here?
- [Loren] But I mean, they're not
half bad looking, you know.
- [Stacy] Right, they ain't ugly.
- No.
- Well, we gotta do something.
They saw me in my underwear, so it's already kinda awkward.
- I do think that I am going to go talk
to Cory though and try to make amends.
- That would be a good idea.
So it's less awkward all weekend.
I don't know, man.
Look, dude, just go talk to her.
- Uh, yeah.
- You don't have to apologize or anything, just talk to her.
- Yeah.
I mean, she's really cute and I think
it would make things better for the weekend.
- This is gonna be good for you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Alright.
(phone ringing)
- Hi.
Okay.
Hey.
Yeah, um, she's being a little more
stubborn than I thought she would be.
She's kinda stressed out.
It turns out the two we're sharing the condo
with are actually a couple of guys.
Mhmm.
Yeah, they're kinda cute.
Hmm, I dunno, we'll just see how it goes.
Okay, tell ya what.
You guys come around three, by that time
it'll be super late and Dusty just
totally has to go along with the party.
Oh, shoot.
One of the straps of my top ripped.
I have to get a new one before the party starts.
Well yes, but I'm trying to start with the top on first.
Okay, see you guys around three.
Okay, bye.
(knocking on door frame)
Come in!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I can come back if you like.
- No, it's okay.
- I just wanted to apologize for what happened
in the bathroom earlier today.
- That's so sweet of you.
- I just don't want you thinking
I'm some sort of creep or anything.
- Let's just say there were a few misunderstandings.
- Yeah, I'll say.
- So, what makes you boys come out here to Cali?
- Stacy always wanted to come
to this beach party weekend, so I...
- Oh, you mean the Horndog Beach Party?
- Uh, yeah, uh.
- Oh yeah.
(coughing)
Yeah, sex panther.
- I'm sorry, I gotta go.
- He's going to be fun.
(rhythmic eerie music)
- How about the, uh, whatever the hell that was?
Painful enough for you, my masochistic minions?
I don't know about you,
but I think this one has left me speechless.
(crowd cheering)
No, you know what?
Just for that outburst,
I think I am going to talk about this movie.
First off, something I'm sure none of you
would have any experience with, but this movie
has more padding than a bra on prom night.
(rim shot music)
Not too mention the gardener,
who is apparently in totally different time zone
from everyone else around him that he's talking to.
Then we have the male and the female lead,
and they have approximately a 20 foot height difference.
Step stool, buy one!
Then there is this lady who's trying
to stop all these frisky frolics,
but she's the kind of woman who would
never turn down a good time, trust me.
It takes one to know one.
And, and--
- [Announcer] Playing devil's advocate here,
I should mention that Uncle Rob, I mean,
our producer, of this program, in conjunction
with the award losing Hollywood Studios
that provide our top shelf filmed entertainment,
require you contractually to say
at least one positive thing.
- Brinke Stevens.
We are in the presence of true scream queen royalty.
I bow to her in all of her beauty and glory.
- [Announcer] See, I knew you had it in ya!
- That check better clear.
- [Announcer] Anything else you wanna say?
- Anything else I have to say.
Have you even been watching the movie?
- [Announcer] In so many ways.
- In so many ways?
What does this even mean, in so many ways?
- [Announcer] I mean I was thinking about the film.
- You went around the corner for another
one of those special massages again, didn't you?
- [Announcer] Yes, the $20 bill
was just burning a hole in my pocket.
- So you leave me alone to suffer with this movie?
Well, not totally alone.
I think it is time to turn the screws
ever tighter on you, my filthy maggots.
Roll the rest of the movie!
Announcer, you may want to consider
Purelling yourself, thoroughly.
- Hey dude, you all right?
- [Loren] Yep!
(mellow music)
- Oh, come on!
Look, I know things got mixed up with the reservation
or whatever, but that's not our fault.
- I know.
- What?
Didn't catch that.
- I know.
I'm sorry about that as well.
- It's cool.
- It's just this weekend is not turning out
the way I thought it would at all.
- So, what did you have in mind.
- I hoped it could be an all nice
and relaxing weekend on the beach.
- Relax, are you serious?
This is like one of the biggest college
party weekends ever for this area.
Why would you pick this weekend?
- I don't know.
- Hmm, alright.
Interesting.
- What?
- I think you just wanted to come
down here and party all weekend.
- No, I just--
- Look, did you know it was gonna be like this this weekend?
- Yes, but that doesn't mean anything.
- But you did know, and you still
chose these dates for your weekend.
- What are you, a psychology major?
- Uh, actually yeah, yeah.
I just finished my first year in grad school.
- Perfect.
- Hey Dusty!
- Yes?
- Can you take me swimsuit shopping?
Mine just broke.
- Sure, I'm gonna get a coffee as well.
- Great.
- It wouldn't work out here.
This part of the beach is shared
with the crazy neighborhood lady next door,
she will call the association
about everything that happens here.
- Oh really?
So why doesn't she just move, why does she stay here?
- Because she loves this beach.
This is where she used to spring break herself.
Cory, you ready?
- Yep, I'm ready.
- Sorry about the attitude earlier.
- Oh, it's cool, me too.
See ya.
- [Cory] Bye.
- They left, you can come out!
So what happened?
- Uh, I don't know.
I was talking to Cory and she came on to me, and--
- Dude, alright!
- And then I freaked out and rushed to the bathroom.
- What?
Really?
- I rinsed the shower out pretty good.
- Oh, gross.
- It was wild.
It took everything I had just to knock
on her door and I hadn't been in
a situation like that since Jennifer.
- Baby steps, man.
Baby steps.
- So, what are the odds of hosting a party here?
- It might actually be a little bit difficult.
Apparently their neighbor is a pain in the ass.
- [Loren] Why don't we just find
somewhere else down the beach?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
We said we're gonna throw the best beach party ever,
and we're gonna do it.
- What about Dusty?
She seems to hold the key as to
whether or not we can have the party here.
- Don't worry about her.
I think I can get her on board.
- [Loren] I do know that Cory's all on board.
- That's good.
We just gotta figure out what we're
gonna do about this Brigitte chick.
- [Loren] What if we just go talk to her?
- Smart.
Then we'll know who we're dealing with.
Alright.
(upbeat music)
- I didn't realize it would be that hard of a decision.
- It is a very important decision.
Nah, the first one never quite works out.
That's why so many.
You should really try some on.
- I don't know, I'm just not in the mood.
- Why, what's the matter?
- Well, this whole weekend is not
working out the way I thought it would.
- It really was kind of a stressful morning.
- [Dusty] Between Loren and Stacy,
Auntie Brinke isn't much help,
and then this Brad and Tad guys come by.
- Really, who are they?
- [Dusty] Just a couple of frat jocks that were
in the running for the condo as well.
- [Cory] Nah, maybe my freshman or sophomore year.
- [Dusty] They seemed like a couple of real idiots.
- You know what?
I really think you should try this on.
Trust me, it'll make you feel better.
- Whatever.
- I think the last semester of college
really got the good of you.
I mean, all these clinical classes
and the extra classes kicked your ass.
- Well, I'm just glad it's over and what I want
is just a quiet nice weekend away from everything.
- Well, it is definitely away from everything.
But I don't think it should be quiet.
And I don't think you feel it should be either.
- I don't know.
- Well, it's a start.
But again, never the first one.
Here, try this.
There we go, the first cracks are starting to show.
(laughing)
So what do you think about Loren and Stacy?
- Well I guess they're good guys.
I talked to Stacy this morning.
- Really, what did he say about this morning?
- Well we had mutual apologies and understandings.
How 'bout you?
- Loren came in to apologize.
He's such a cutie.
- Ooh, I know what that means.
- [Cory] Hmm, this one goes to the maybe pile.
- [Dusty] Getting closer.
- Mhmm, so are we going to participate
on the beach parties tonight?
- Look, it's not going to be able to work.
We can't risk getting into trouble
by the bitchy Brigitte and the association.
- So what you are saying is that we need to get rid of her.
- In a sense, yes.
At least, we have to get her
to go along with us having a party.
- Hmm.
- At least we have plenty of other parties
to go even if we can't host one.
- Well, I'm not really giving up hope
because I kinda invited some people over.
- What?
- Um, I may have mentioned to Steph
and Becky that we're hosting a party.
- You did?
- Yeah.
- They are going to invite everybody!
- Probably.
- Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
What are we gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
We're going to get into so much trouble.
Auntie Brinke's not going to have her condo intact.
It's going to be ruined by us.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Calm down.
It'll be okay.
- [Dusty] How can you say that?
- Because anybody who can rock this
swimsuit like you do can do anything.
Mhmm.
Um, looks perfect.
- You know what?
We're going to host the best Horndog Beach Party tonight.
- Yes!
Oh my God, I'm so happy.
- We have a lot to do.
- Yeah.
- Did you pick your suit yet?
- Um, mhmm, yep.
- Isn't that the first on?
- Yeah, so?
Let's go, we have a lot of work to do.
- Okay, so let me get this straight.
You want to invite a few friends over
and have a party on my beach.
- On the beach that we share.
- You want to have a giant sin party
with drinking and drugs and fornications--
- I wouldn't that far.
- And get your fornication juices all over my beach?
I think not!
And I am warning you, I will be watching and taking notes.
So you go back to your weekend condo
and get some sun, maybe splash in the water a little,
but you will not be having a party on my beach!
Do you understand?
- Uh.
- Good day.
(seagulls crying)
- Any ideas?
- I'm sure we'll figure something out.
(playful music)
- What the hell?
- Bro, you got him so good!
- Good throw yourself, dude.
- [Stacy] Seriously, what the hell is that about?
- That's for taking our room for the weekend.
- Yeah, you totally snaked our room
pretending to be girls!
- [Stacy] We didn't pretend anything!
- Whoa, you just stop right there.
- Hey, we applied just like everyone else.
It's not our fault they mixed up the names.
- Yeah?
Well because of you, we don't have the
best spot on the beach to host a party.
- Yeah, you tell 'em, bro.
- We're not going to be able to have a party either.
- Yeah, because we're gonna make sure you don't.
- [Stacy] Whatever, screw you guys.
Let's go.
- Yeah, you go on and hide!
- Yeah, you tell 'em, bro!
- You okay dude?
- Uh, yeah bro.
I just think I saw something awesome over there.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's the matter with you guys?
- I'm starting to think having a party
isn't really in the cards anymore.
- What makes you say that?
- We tried to talk to Brigitte next door.
- Ooh, it didn't go well, did it?
- And a couple of jerks started throwing water balloons
at us and said it was for taking their room.
- And we're not going to have a party anymore.
- [Cory] What?
- Were they a couple frat looking boys
that kept saying brah and bro a lot?
- Yeah.
- [Dusty] Hmm, sounds like Brad and Tad.
- Those guys are a couple of real douches, by the way.
- Well, it's time to start thinking positive.
- Oh really?
- Yes, because we are going to have us a beach party here!
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- So what brought this about?
- Well, maybe you were a bit right earlier
that you guys came here for a party
and it took me a while to realize that I did too.
- Mhmm, alright.
- That's awesome!
So what do we have to do to get ready?
- Oh, and what are we gonna do about your neighbor?
- I'm not sure about her yet,
but I know the first thing we need to do
is to find everything we need to decorate.
- Yes, because we need balloons, booze,
tiki torches, booze, hats, booze.
Oh wait, I forgot something.
Did I mention booze?
- Uh, I suppose I better go get my wallet.
- Um, is he alright?
- Yeah, uh.
He actually just got out of a really serious relationship.
Three years.
They were engaged.
Turns out at the end of our fall semester,
he found out that she was cheating on him for the last year.
- Oh wow, that is so sad she would do that to him.
- Yeah, he took it really hard.
Almost dropped out of school.
- That poor guy.
- Yeah.
It's actually pretty amazing he's
even on this trip in the first place.
He might kinda put up a little bit of a front,
so if it seems like he's acting
a little bit off, that's why.
- He's such a sweetie, though.
- Yeah.
- Hey, if you can, try to take it easy on him a little bit.
Don't rush him into anything.
- Okay.
- Okay, ready to go.
- Alright, nice.
Yeah, we can just--
- Hey, wait, Loren.
You're going with me to the party store.
- Oh, uh sure.
- [Cory] Can I have your keys?
Awesome.
- Don't worry, she will take great care of him.
- Look at them.
They're not even trying to hide it.
- Oh my, ooh!
Oh my God!
- Oh! - Oh!
- Are you okay?
(laughing)
- Nerds! - Nerds!
- What is this?
- Seriously?
Chocolate milk?
You goobers!
- Oh, don't worry, it does the body good.
Right, dude?
- Oh, yeah, brah!
- Oh yes, this is good stuff.
- This is not funny.
- [Cory] No, it's not!
- [Tad] I think it's kinda funny.
What about you, brah?
- Oh, let me look.
(laughing)
I think it's even funnier!
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Seriously?
(laughing)
- [Thad] This never gets old.
- Yeah, bro.
- Ooh, whoa, what happened?
- Brad and Tad.
- That's what happened.
- What is it with those guys?
- I don't know, but I know what we need to finish it.
- What?
- Cory.
- Yes?
- What time are Steph and Becky coming over?
- I told them around three.
- Give them a call and tell them the party's on
and we need their help for a special
situation as soon as possible.
- Alright, I'm going to give them a call right now.
- Hey Cory?
- Yes?
- You can shower first if you'd like.
- Thank you.
- Please do.
So what are we gonna do?
- You know we have to get some supplies.
- Right, but what about Brad and Tad?
- Hmm.
We're going to have to get some distractions.
- What?
- Sorry man, you're going to have to take one for the team.
- You just want me to go out there unarmed
and just run around taking it?
- Pretty much, but not unarmed.
- How'd it go, bro?
- It looks awesome, dude.
- Oh, nice!
- What the hell is that joker doing?
- Hey guys.
(playful music)
- What the?
- Oh, dude, gross.
- It smells like, it smells like pickle juice.
- Oh.
- [Loren] Screw you guys.
- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, poor boys.
- [Dusty] Oh, look at him go.
Will he be alright?
- Oh, yeah, he'll be fine.
He was all-college track and field.
He ran the 1600.
- [Dusty] Nice.
- [Stacy] Looks like the coast is clear.
- Oh, that is so wrong.
- Maybe a car wash first?
- Guys, I got a hold of Becky and Steph
and they'll be here in like...
Hello?
Where did they all go?
- Hello?
(gasping)
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- [Cory] Uh, it's okay.
- The other two went to go get supplies.
I tried knocking to let you know what was going on.
- [Cory] Thanks for letting me know.
- Okay then.
Um, I'll just have to take a shower when you're done.
- [Cory] Okay.
Loren?
- [Loren] Yeah?
- [Cory] Can you please hand me
the shampoo bottle on the counter?
- [Loren] Uh, sure.
- [Cory] Just hand it through the curtain.
- [Loren] Oh!
- Well, now it's time to get you all cleaned up.
- Uh, I, uh, I haven't been--
- There, how was that?
- That was really good.
(upbeat music)
- Gettin' a bit of a late start, ain't ya?
- Oh, you know, it's a bit of a last minute addition.
- But how is the weekend a last minute decision.
- Well, I don't know.
It just turned out that way.
- But better late than never, right?
- Heh, party on, man.
So where ya hosting at?
- My Aunt Brinke's condo.
- Oh, the one with the little beach point.
- Yeah, that's it.
You been there?
- Oh yeah, Brinke and I go way back.
- Oh, very cool.
So it's a nice area?
- Oh, it's the best.
- Sweet.
- [Clerk] She still got that crazy ass neighbor?
- Yes, unfortunately.
- Ah, it's too bad.
She's a real ball buster.
- Wonder what her problem is?
- Oh, like 15 years ago she was datin'
this college frat boy type.
He left.
She ain't never been the same since.
Yeah, she was a real cougar.
I even tried to get with her,
but I guess I'm not her type.
Whatever.
She couldn't land anybody after that.
Not that year, not the year after.
Then she got this whole moral authority bug up her ass,
and well, never been the same since.
- Wait a second.
You're tellin' me if we can just get her laid
by some college frat jock?
- (laughing) Bow-chica-bow-bow!
Right on, dude.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Oh, I think so.
- Alright, that is 11.95.
- There, keep it.
- Whoa, seriously?
- Yeah.
- You told us exactly what we needed to hear.
- Awesome.
- Thanks.
Hey, come on out tonight.
- Alright, man.
Boom, I'll be there. - See you tonight.
- Alright.
- Yeah, party down.
(rhythmic eerie music)
(eerie music)
- You know what?
I think I was too hard on this film.
I think it has transcended being a mere motion picture
and has emerged from it's celluloid cocoon
as a full on sadomasochistic social experiment.
- [Announcer] What are you on about?
- No, hear me out.
I'm not even doing a bit.
What kind of sex comedy would
provide so precious little sex?
There is more shopping than anything,
and more talking than My Dinner With Andre,
and to finish it off, a fully clothed shower scene.
And as for sex, not a single thrust.
Well played, Horndog's, well played.
You have tortured my subjects to levels
of submission that I could only imagine.
- [Announcer] I have to admit, you aren't wrong.
- Am I ever?
- [Announcer] Remember when you
opened that strip club for cats?
Cat Nips?
- That was genius idea.
Cat sexuality is untapped goldmine.
- [Announcer] It devolved into a hissing,
spraying hell within seconds.
- So it had a few kinks.
And who amongst us here doesn't?
Anyway, this movie has subjected
one and all to unholy levels of torture.
I believe we are done here.
- [Announcer] You are aware the film isn't over, right?
- Really?
- [Announcer] No, we haven't even seen that
party that they've talked about incessantly.
- I just assumed this was plot hole.
- [Announcer] Plot hole?
It's the entire point of the story.
- Have you seen the rest of the movie?
I would not be surprised if the film makers
just forgot to finish it.
- [Announcer] Another good point.
You know, you're on fire today.
- Oh, speaking of fire.
I have been advised that the following
reel of tonight's film may cause burning sensation
in the eyes and loss of sensation in the genitalia.
These symptoms should persist for only two to four days,
but if they continue then you should contact
your primary care physician or call 1-800-CROTCH-ROT.
Anyway, enough of that.
Here goes nothing.
Roll 'em, boys!
You know, I think this movie is the worst thing
that has ever happened to me, and I grew up in Chernobyl.
(static crackling)
(upbeat music)
(Cory moaning)
(playful music)
- [Cory] Oh yeah.
- That was amazing.
- You were awesome.
- I've been needing that so bad.
- You're such a sweet guy.
- When are your friends gonna be here?
- Um, in a little bit.
- Maybe you should get dressed?
- No, there's no rush.
- (whistling) Hey, you girls need some waterin'?
Hey!
- This is gonna be the best one yet, dude.
- Oh yeah, bro.
They are totally gonna have to leave after this one.
- Totally, dude.
(playful music)
(grunting)
- Jesus.
(grunting)
- Dude, what are they doing to you?
- Oh my God, make it stop, make it stop!
- We've been told that you two have been causing problems.
- We're sorry, we're so sorry, bro.
- Dude, really?
- Now, are you two gonna apologize to the others?
- Yes, yes, I promise I will.
- Ew!
Ew!
- What, what is it?
- [Becky] Do you smell pickles?
- Yeah.
- Oh now, what do we have here?
A few more whores.
- [Becky] Alright you two, front door, now!
- But...
- [Steph] Now!
- Yes, ma'am.
(knocking on door)
- [Steph] Get in!
- Steph, hey! - Hey!
- Hi! - Hey!
- Brah, I'm sorry, brah.
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
- Well.
- Where's your bathroom, bro?
Please, brah?
- Uh, right over there.
- Thanks, brah.
(grunting)
(flatulence and splashing) (groaning)
Oh God.
- Dude, that's just nasty.
Sorry, dude.
- Loren, come here.
So, Loren, this is Steph and Becky.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Cute. - Yeah.
- He is a cutie.
- Yeah, he really is, and he's such a sweetie,
and I mean he really is a sweetie.
- Hey girl!
- Nice to see you two!
- Hey!
- You guys need some help?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Here, grab some
- Did you guys get booze?
- Duh!
- Alright, that's what I'm talkin' about!
- It's in the back.
- Hey, can I help?
- It's cool.
- Uh, well alrighty then!
- Alright. - Let's go.
- Did you wash your car window off?
- [Steph] There.
- I think we have everything we need.
- Everything except your neighbor's permission.
- That'll never happen.
- Uh, not necessarily.
- What do you mean?
- Hmm, I think she has a weakness for the young guys.
- Well, she didn't seem to like us at all.
- Apparently we're not her type.
- [Brad] Well what is her type, dude?
- You guys, dude.
I think the other one.
(flatulence and splashing)
(toilet flushing)
- Bro, I'm really sorry about earlier.
- Oh man.
- We were acting like assholes.
- It's cool, man.
We're cool.
- You okay, dude?
- Oh yeah, brah.
Actually, I feel pretty refreshed.
- Hey, any of you two guys into cougars by chance?
- Not me, dude.
I'm into 19 to 25 only.
- Well, I know I am!
I'm totally into cougars, man.
That's totally my bag, man.
Why, you got something in mind?
- Bitchy Brigitte next door.
- Yes.
- Oh, see, I told you.
I knew something awesome was happening next door!
Hot cougar on the prowl, brah!
- To each his own.
- Well, it's been a while for this one, I think,
and this cougar is hungry.
- Oh no, even better, brah.
- Well, if you really wanna party tonight,
you better get over there.
- Oh wow, this is good stuff.
Oh my, well hello.
- Hello yourself.
- Would you like to come in for some tea?
- Yes, I would.
- Do you smell pickles?
- Um, I love pickle, don't you?
- Yes, so do I.
- He's in!
- Okay, we've got a lot to do.
Let's get ready for the party.
♪ Show me what you got ♪
♪ Rock your body ♪
♪ Come out and play ♪
♪ The beat's here to stay ♪
♪ Dance the night away ♪
♪ Into the next day ♪
♪ Come out and play ♪
♪ The beats here to stay ♪
♪ Dance the night away ♪
♪ Into the next day ♪
♪ Get on your feet ♪
♪ Rock to the beat ♪
♪ Do the dirty deed ♪
♪ Call me when you're green ♪
♪ Fellas in the club ♪
♪ Ladies in the club ♪
♪ Show me what you got ♪
♪ I'll tell ya if it's hot ♪
♪ We came from far away ♪
♪ To scan this rave ♪
♪ These beats fill our tank ♪
♪ Partying is our thing ♪
♪ We came from far away ♪
♪ To scan this rave ♪
♪ These beats fill our tank ♪
♪ Partying is our thing ♪
♪ Show me what you got ♪
♪ Move your body ♪
♪ Show me what you got ♪
♪ Groove your body ♪
♪ Show me what you got ♪
♪ Rock your body ♪
♪ Show me what you got ♪
(upbeat music)
- Now all we have to do is wait for her permission.
- It's already 5:15.
- The Horndog Beach Party starts in less than two hours!
- Don't worry, it will work.
In the meantime, would you like to see my swimsuit?
- Heck yeah.
- Let's go.
- I got a new one, too.
- I can't wait to see it.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Yes, here's my swimsuit.
- Oh, that?
I thought you were gonna put it on or something?
- Well, don't you think it looks great as it is right now.
- I mean, it's cute, but I wanna see it on you!
- Of course.
- [Stacy] Oh my gosh, what a tease.
- Hey, I need to change.
Get out.
- [Stacy] Really?
- Yeah.
- Already?
- Get out. - Really?
- Yeah, get out. - Dude, what?
- Well?
- Don't you need to?
- No.
- You can see it later, come on.
- You know, you're not such a bad guy after all.
- Sometimes things just get the better of me.
- Get the better of us all.
- Ooh, but good things come to those who repent.
- Oh yeah?
- And you repent very well.
- Dude, I don't know how Tad's gonna pull that off.
Brigitte really is a bitch, dude.
Bitchy Brigitte, I have no idea.
- I hope he does.
We really need to have this party.
What do you think, uh, what do you
think's gonna happen if he doesn't?
Can we still have the party? - If he doesn't?
We have to have this party.
He has got to bang that out, now.
Or I don't know what else we're gonna do.
You think she'd call the cops on us?
- She has in the past.
Yeah.
I'm hoping he does.
I mean, this party, we've been planning
on coming here for a long time.
The girls are down.
What do you think's gonna happen?
- [Stacy] We can't not have this party,
so hopefully he just bangs her out,
comes back over here, and we're set.
I don't know what we're gonna do
if we can't get her on board.
- You actually think he's gonna be able to do it.
- I hope so.
I mean, I don't know.
Cougars are crazy, dude.
I don't know.
If it doesn't work out, I'm still gonna have a party.
I don't know what everyone else is gonna be doing.
- [Loren] Yeah, man.
- Want something to drink.
- [Loren] Yeah, I need a drink.
(doorbell ringing)
- Oh, wow, what a fantastic swimsuit!
I just wanted to apologize for
the way I've been acting lately.
It hasn't been very lady-like.
- [Dusty] It's okay.
- Well, the reason why I'm here is
I heard that there's a beach festival going on tonight
and my new beau and I wanted to see
if you wanted to host a beach party?
- Really?
- Mhmm.
Don't we?
- Mhmm.
- Well, we've gotta go out and find new swimsuits ourselves.
Gotta keep my new cub looking fantastic.
- Thank you.
- We'll see you tonight!
- Well?
- She wants us to host a party!
(cheering)
- Oh my God.
Oh, hey, hey, everybody.
Guys, guys, guys, I need you.
We only got like 20 minutes to start setting up.
So just grab whatever you can and let's go out on the beach.
- [Dusty] Alright, let's do it!
(upbeat music)
- [Stacy] Woohoo!
- Yes, we did it!
Hey!
I'd love to thank you for all of you.
At the beginning, I thought all
I wanted is quiet in nice place,
but I realized what I really need
is you and a real good time!
So toast to all of you!
(cheering)
My old friends and new friends!
I love you all!
(cheering)
- Hello!
Hello everybody, how's it going?
Hello! - Hey!
- Say, who's in charge here?
- Hi, my name is Dusty, what's your name?
- Why, I'm the legendary Horndog!
Hey, thank you, thank you.
Ladies and gentleman, after 15 long years,
both sides of the beach have been reunited
by the lovely Horndog queen, Dusty!
(cheering)
Thank you, my queen, thank you.
And I hope to see you all again next year!
Let's party, everyone!
(cheering)
(upbeat music)
- Oh, looking good, Brigitte.
- Oh, thank you.
Wow, what a great party!
- Thank you.
- Looking good, dude!
- Oh, thanks, bro.
- What was that?
- Oh, um, I'm sorry.
Thank you, Brad.
- There, that's better.
You gotta teach these cubs early
or they'll run right over you.
- So, what happens after this weekend?
- I don't know, and I honestly don't wanna think about it.
I'm just enjoying this perfect weekend.
- So did you really mean that?
- What?
- About coming back here next year?
- Hmm, it depends.
Are you coming with me?
- I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- [Cory] Woo!
(peaceful music)
(rhythmic eerie music)
- You know what?
I thought this movie had reached it's height
with the fully clothed shower scene,
but the sex scene with the door?
The whole goddamn screen was just a door!
Not too mention the reuse of that hilarious gag
from the gross out diarrhea scene.
You idiots must have indigo orbs the size of Venus by now!
- [Announcer] At least we got our party!
- Proving yet again that you have no social life.
You call that a party?
- There were people gathered and--
- And there was nothing!
There was some babes and some boobs,
and I mean idiots, I don't mean tits.
And they were sitting at a table and nothing.
- [Announcer] Well, there was--
- There was people at a table,
stock footage not withstanding.
- [Announcer] That's not a party.
- That was a casual get together at best.
- [Announcer] But, it was implied
that there were alcoholic beverages and snacks.
- The whole damn party was implied.
- [Announcer] But Horndog said Dusty
saved the day by reunited the two sides of the beach.
That's a real crowd pleaser, right?
- Dusty did not do jack shit!
That dude bro wanged the coug and that's
the whole reason the party took place!
(throat clearing)
Oh, my faithful lap dogs are still here.
What do you want?
Haven't you had enough torture for one week?
- [Announcer] Maybe you should throw them a bone.
- You know, under normal circumstances
I would tell you to shut your stupid cake hole,
but I think considering these circumstances,
I would have to agree.
Here, take these.
(upbeat music)
There, satisfied now?
(crowd booing)
Well, too tough.
You will take it and you will like it.
That's it for us this week.
(crowd cheering)
You know, normally for that little outburst
I would promise that next week I make you suffer even more,
but I don't think after a movie like that
I can make good on the promise.
So I will paraphrase my Grandpa de Sade
and say, it is by way of cinematic pain
that we arrive at pleasure.
Or was it, rock out with your cock out?
Either way, whatever works best for you.
Roll credits.
I'm out this bitch!
(upbeat music)
- Ain't nobody here!
- Well, did we?
Oh man, we missed the party.
- I told you we should have taken a ride share.
- Oh man.
What are we gonna do now?
- Well, we could have a little beach party
of our own, little horndog.
- Ooh, bow-chica-bow-bow.
(moaning)
- What did that even have to do with anything?
Give me that back!