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Come and say hi to me; World of Warcraft - Outland PVP (EU) - Torporr (name) 2 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,420 Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism Wow! 3 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,255 ...Cardinal Glick. 4 00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:19,347 Thank you, thank you. 5 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,307 Now, we all know how the majority... 6 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,559 ...and the media in this country... 7 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,853 ...view the Catholic Church. 8 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:29,148 They think of us as a passé, archaic institution. 9 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:32,401 People find the Bible obtuse... 10 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:33,986 ...even hokey. 11 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,155 Now, in an effort to disprove all that... 12 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,909 ...the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... 13 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,036 ...both of faith and of style. 14 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:45,081 For example, the crucifix. 15 00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:47,875 While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith... 16 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,920 ...Holy Mother Church has decided to retire... 17 00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,588 ...this highly recognizable... 18 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,049 ...yet wholly depressing image... 19 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,260 ...of our Lord, crucified. 20 00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,680 Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies. 21 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,598 He came to help us out. 22 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:06,394 He was a booster, and it's with that take on our Lord in mind... 23 00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:09,272 ...that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. 24 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:13,276 So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first... 25 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,945 ...of many revamps the Catholicism Wow! campaign... 26 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,532 ...will unveil over the next year, I give you... 27 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,825 ..."The Buddy Christ." 28 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,462 That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol. 29 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,048 Just something we've been kicking around the office. 30 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,592 But look at it. 31 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,552 Doesn't it pop? 32 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,262 Buddy Christ. 33 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,389 Well, there you have it. 34 00:03:43,483 --> 00:03:45,275 Let me get this straight. 35 00:03:45,443 --> 00:03:48,570 You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland? 36 00:03:48,738 --> 00:03:50,072 No, Through the Looking Glass. 37 00:03:51,449 --> 00:03:53,242 That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"... 38 00:03:53,409 --> 00:03:55,327 ...is an indictment of organized religion. 39 00:03:55,495 --> 00:03:57,579 The Walrus, with his girth and good nature... 40 00:03:57,747 --> 00:03:59,707 ...he obviously represents either Buddha... 41 00:03:59,875 --> 00:04:02,669 ...or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. 42 00:04:02,837 --> 00:04:04,754 That takes care of your Eastern religions. 43 00:04:04,922 --> 00:04:07,590 Now, the Carpenter, an obvious reference to Jesus Christ... 44 00:04:07,758 --> 00:04:10,844 ...who was raised a carpenter's son, represents Western religions. 45 00:04:12,179 --> 00:04:13,763 Now, in the poem, what do they do? 46 00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:16,432 They dupe all these oysters into following them... 47 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,270 ...then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. 48 00:04:20,437 --> 00:04:23,273 I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says... 49 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:27,110 ...that following these faiths based on mythological figures... 50 00:04:27,278 --> 00:04:28,903 ...destroys one's inner being. 51 00:04:30,239 --> 00:04:32,115 Organized religion destroys who we are... 52 00:04:32,283 --> 00:04:35,118 ...by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions... 53 00:04:35,286 --> 00:04:38,413 ...out of fear of some intangible parent figure... 54 00:04:38,581 --> 00:04:41,457 ...who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago... 55 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:45,461 ...and says, "Do it... Do it and I'll fucking spank you!" 56 00:04:45,629 --> 00:04:46,880 Oh, Jesus! 57 00:04:47,047 --> 00:04:50,592 The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before. 58 00:04:51,510 --> 00:04:53,970 What have I been doing with my life? 59 00:04:54,972 --> 00:04:57,473 - What am I...? - Yeah, I know. 60 00:04:57,641 --> 00:04:59,309 Listen, my advice to you... 61 00:04:59,476 --> 00:05:02,103 ...take this money you've collected for your parish... 62 00:05:02,271 --> 00:05:05,231 ...go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. 63 00:05:05,399 --> 00:05:08,610 Find some man, some woman, you can connect with, even for a moment... 64 00:05:08,777 --> 00:05:12,530 ...because that's really all life is, Sister, it's a series of moments. 65 00:05:12,698 --> 00:05:14,824 Why don't you seize yours? 66 00:05:18,038 --> 00:05:20,664 Attagirl. Attagirl. 67 00:05:27,339 --> 00:05:29,340 You know, here's what I don't get about you. 68 00:05:29,507 --> 00:05:32,217 You know for a fact that there is a God. 69 00:05:32,385 --> 00:05:35,095 You've been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally. 70 00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:38,515 - Yet I heard you claim to be atheist. - I like to fuck with the clergy. 71 00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:41,936 I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes. 72 00:05:42,103 --> 00:05:43,771 Here's what I don't get about you. 73 00:05:43,939 --> 00:05:46,774 Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time? 74 00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:49,360 My friend, because this is humanity at its best. 75 00:05:49,527 --> 00:05:50,569 Look at them. 76 00:05:50,737 --> 00:05:54,531 All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... 77 00:05:54,699 --> 00:05:58,535 ...forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. 78 00:05:58,703 --> 00:05:59,870 See those two? 79 00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:03,290 That guy doesn't know that the girl cheated on him while she was away. 80 00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:05,209 - She did? - Twice. 81 00:06:05,377 --> 00:06:07,461 - Nice. - But it doesn't matter right now... 82 00:06:07,629 --> 00:06:10,881 ...because they're just both so relieved to be with one another. 83 00:06:11,591 --> 00:06:12,841 I like that. 84 00:06:13,009 --> 00:06:15,219 I wish they could all feel that way more often. 85 00:06:15,387 --> 00:06:18,389 Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons? 86 00:06:18,556 --> 00:06:20,975 You call me, you tell me it's important, you know? 87 00:06:21,142 --> 00:06:24,269 What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments? 88 00:06:24,437 --> 00:06:26,563 We're going home. 89 00:06:26,731 --> 00:06:28,983 Somebody sent us this in the mail. 90 00:06:33,656 --> 00:06:36,908 Take it and quit leering at me. People will think I broke up with you. 91 00:06:37,076 --> 00:06:40,370 - You did just say we're going home? - Read. 92 00:06:40,538 --> 00:06:44,416 "Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign." 93 00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:46,042 And? 94 00:06:47,086 --> 00:06:49,754 You have to keep reading. 95 00:06:49,922 --> 00:06:52,007 "The rededication of St. Michael's Church"... 96 00:06:52,174 --> 00:06:53,758 is the kickoff of a new campaign... 97 00:06:53,926 --> 00:06:56,344 ...which seeks to bring Catholicism into the mainstream. 98 00:06:56,512 --> 00:06:58,763 With a papal sanction, the archway entrance... 99 00:06:58,931 --> 00:07:01,433 ...of the century-old Jersey Shore house of worship... 100 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,935 ...will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence... 101 00:07:04,103 --> 00:07:07,439 ...a little-known Catholic belief offering all that passes through it... 102 00:07:07,606 --> 00:07:09,274 ...a morally clean slate. 103 00:07:09,442 --> 00:07:12,527 For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks. 104 00:07:12,695 --> 00:07:16,156 All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home? 105 00:07:16,323 --> 00:07:19,617 No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. 106 00:07:19,785 --> 00:07:22,370 - Then all we have to do is die. - Die? I don't wanna die. 107 00:07:22,538 --> 00:07:26,166 - You rather hang around here? - No. We don't know if we can die. 108 00:07:26,333 --> 00:07:29,335 But what if we can and then the arch thing doesn't work? 109 00:07:29,503 --> 00:07:31,087 What then, hell? Fuck that. 110 00:07:31,255 --> 00:07:33,214 It's impossible. If we cut off our wings... 111 00:07:33,382 --> 00:07:36,718 ...and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. 112 00:07:36,886 --> 00:07:39,262 If we die with clean souls, they can't keep us out. 113 00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:42,474 We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home. 114 00:07:42,641 --> 00:07:45,852 - Who sent the paper? - Who cares who sent the paper? 115 00:07:46,020 --> 00:07:49,148 All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole. 116 00:07:49,316 --> 00:07:50,816 He can't keep us out anymore. 117 00:07:50,984 --> 00:07:53,235 Once we're back in, he'll just forgive and forget. 118 00:07:53,403 --> 00:07:57,198 But this thing, this is Church law. It's not divine mandate. 119 00:07:57,365 --> 00:08:00,868 Church laws are fallible because they're created by man. 120 00:08:01,036 --> 00:08:04,371 One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope... 121 00:08:04,539 --> 00:08:08,000 ...by the son of God before he left was: 122 00:08:08,168 --> 00:08:09,835 "Whatever you hold true on Earth..." 123 00:08:10,003 --> 00:08:11,295 "I'll hold true in heaven." 124 00:08:11,463 --> 00:08:14,340 It's dogmatic law. If the Church says it's so, God must adhere. 125 00:08:14,508 --> 00:08:16,133 This thing has a papal sanction... 126 00:08:16,301 --> 00:08:19,178 Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail... 127 00:08:19,346 --> 00:08:20,971 ...never yielded positive results. 128 00:08:21,139 --> 00:08:23,641 You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. 129 00:08:23,809 --> 00:08:25,684 Outstanding work! 130 00:08:25,852 --> 00:08:28,604 There's just one thing I think we gotta do before we leave. 131 00:08:28,772 --> 00:08:30,773 This will help us get back on his good side. 132 00:08:30,941 --> 00:08:32,024 What? 133 00:08:32,192 --> 00:08:34,985 I've been dreaming about this for five years. Read that. 134 00:08:35,153 --> 00:08:36,529 "Mooby, the Golden Calf. 135 00:08:36,696 --> 00:08:39,365 Creating an empire out of simplicity." 136 00:08:39,533 --> 00:08:41,325 I wanna hit them. 137 00:08:41,493 --> 00:08:43,911 You really are Just a simple creature. 138 00:08:44,079 --> 00:08:46,455 We find a way back and you wanna jeopardize that... 139 00:08:46,623 --> 00:08:48,666 ...because you yearn for the good old days. 140 00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:52,211 What better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied... 141 00:08:52,379 --> 00:08:53,754 ...thanks to you? 142 00:08:53,922 --> 00:08:56,924 I don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us. 143 00:08:57,092 --> 00:08:59,718 Killing spree? I'm talking about divine justice here. 144 00:08:59,886 --> 00:09:03,265 I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. 145 00:09:03,432 --> 00:09:05,976 He's all about that. I know he'd want this done. 146 00:09:06,144 --> 00:09:08,645 There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. 147 00:09:08,813 --> 00:09:10,397 Doesn't that mean anything to you? 148 00:09:10,565 --> 00:09:13,358 And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are? 149 00:09:13,526 --> 00:09:16,069 If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter. 150 00:09:16,237 --> 00:09:18,405 We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. 151 00:09:18,573 --> 00:09:21,366 We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul. 152 00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:25,078 Well, he does hate competition. I will say that. 153 00:09:25,246 --> 00:09:27,414 And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading. 154 00:09:27,582 --> 00:09:29,541 Where is this church we have to go to? 155 00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:32,919 New Jersey. Rededication ceremony is in four days. 156 00:09:33,087 --> 00:09:34,921 Last four days on Earth? 157 00:09:35,089 --> 00:09:37,299 If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. 158 00:09:37,466 --> 00:09:39,593 - We can do the next best thing. - What's that? 159 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,511 Let's kill people. 160 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:43,263 Oh, not you. 161 00:09:50,271 --> 00:09:52,814 The Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation... 162 00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:56,401 ...will be holding its biannual softball game... 163 00:09:56,569 --> 00:10:00,071 ...against the Cook County Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2. 164 00:10:00,239 --> 00:10:02,490 Today's second collection will be donated... 165 00:10:02,658 --> 00:10:05,410 ...to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund. 166 00:10:05,578 --> 00:10:07,871 For those of you who haven't followed the news... 167 00:10:08,039 --> 00:10:10,874 ...an unidentified homeless man who was accosted... 168 00:10:11,042 --> 00:10:14,211 ...and severely beaten at the New Jersey Shore last Tuesday... 169 00:10:14,378 --> 00:10:18,466 ...lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals. 170 00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,301 He lacks identification... 171 00:10:20,469 --> 00:10:23,888 ...and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family. 172 00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:28,309 The archbishop of the Trenton diocese has disputed the state's decision... 173 00:10:28,477 --> 00:10:31,646 ...to remove the indigent man from life-support systems... 174 00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:34,023 ...asking that Catholics all over the country... 175 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,652 ...join in this protest against euthanasia. 176 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,155 Well, now please rise for the recession of faith. 177 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,662 We believe in one god, the Father Almighty... 178 00:10:47,829 --> 00:10:49,330 ...maker of heaven and earth. 179 00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:52,500 We believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord... 180 00:10:54,127 --> 00:10:55,378 Hey, choose life! 181 00:10:55,545 --> 00:10:58,923 You're gonna burn in hell, you fucking baby killer! 182 00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,008 Holy shit, it's the pope. 183 00:11:01,176 --> 00:11:02,260 Where? 184 00:11:02,427 --> 00:11:03,678 What are you talking about? 185 00:11:13,021 --> 00:11:16,649 Jesus. You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them? 186 00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,818 They hate me more than you, no doubt. 187 00:11:18,986 --> 00:11:21,779 You have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better. 188 00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:25,324 We already used that excuse when we killed Christ. 189 00:11:25,492 --> 00:11:27,535 Where were you yesterday? We went to brunch. 190 00:11:27,703 --> 00:11:28,995 I went to church. 191 00:11:29,162 --> 00:11:30,913 That still kills me, you and church. 192 00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:34,543 If only they knew your tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check. 193 00:11:34,711 --> 00:11:37,254 I don't know why I still go, Liz. 194 00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:41,925 I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved. 195 00:11:42,093 --> 00:11:45,304 Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. 196 00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:47,806 I don't think I have any faith left. 197 00:11:49,058 --> 00:11:52,019 Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with? 198 00:11:53,563 --> 00:11:57,482 The 20-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school. 199 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,860 Well, the point is, he told me something. 200 00:12:00,028 --> 00:12:02,487 He said that faith is like a glass of water. 201 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,574 When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. 202 00:12:05,742 --> 00:12:07,576 As you get older, the glass gets bigger. 203 00:12:07,744 --> 00:12:09,661 The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it. 204 00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:12,581 But periodically the glass has to be refilled. 205 00:12:12,749 --> 00:12:14,541 You're suggesting I need to get filled? 206 00:12:14,709 --> 00:12:15,834 In more ways than one. 207 00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,711 You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. 208 00:12:17,879 --> 00:12:20,339 You need a man, if only for 10 minutes. 209 00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:23,216 My experience is that the average male is never a man... 210 00:12:23,384 --> 00:12:25,719 ...not even for 10 minutes in his entire life span. 211 00:12:25,887 --> 00:12:28,722 That sounds militant. You thinking ofjoining the other side? 212 00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:30,724 Couldn't do it. Women are insane. 213 00:12:30,892 --> 00:12:33,935 Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option. 214 00:12:34,103 --> 00:12:35,937 I think God is dead. 215 00:12:36,105 --> 00:12:38,440 The sign of a true Catholic. 216 00:12:49,119 --> 00:12:52,288 Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds. 217 00:12:52,456 --> 00:12:54,082 I'm from the EPA. 218 00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:58,002 We're checking on possible Freon leaks. 219 00:12:58,170 --> 00:13:00,463 Tell me, do you have air conditioning? 220 00:13:00,631 --> 00:13:02,256 Yes, we have central air. 221 00:13:02,424 --> 00:13:03,925 In every room? 222 00:13:04,093 --> 00:13:05,802 Except the bathroom. Why? 223 00:13:05,969 --> 00:13:07,887 Well, you know what that means, don't you? 224 00:13:19,274 --> 00:13:20,858 Move. 225 00:13:27,491 --> 00:13:31,119 No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... 226 00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:34,122 ...than central air. 227 00:13:34,832 --> 00:13:36,999 Pick that up. 228 00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:44,298 This will be the base of operations from here on in. 229 00:13:44,466 --> 00:13:47,260 Now, if I remember the protocol correctly... 230 00:13:47,428 --> 00:13:52,181 ...the powers will attempt to contact the last scion. 231 00:13:52,349 --> 00:13:54,392 I need you three... 232 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,645 ...to shuffle her loose the mortal coil. 233 00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:02,817 Go. 234 00:14:37,228 --> 00:14:39,480 Behold the Metatron! 235 00:14:39,647 --> 00:14:42,316 Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true god! 236 00:14:43,109 --> 00:14:45,068 Behold the Metatron! 237 00:14:45,236 --> 00:14:49,239 Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true god! 238 00:14:49,407 --> 00:14:50,616 Behold the Metatron! 239 00:14:50,783 --> 00:14:54,411 Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true... 240 00:15:05,757 --> 00:15:08,717 Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can? 241 00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:11,762 Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room? 242 00:15:11,930 --> 00:15:14,681 I'm soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich. 243 00:15:14,849 --> 00:15:16,683 Stubbed my fucking... 244 00:15:16,851 --> 00:15:19,102 Get the fuck out of here, now! 245 00:15:19,562 --> 00:15:21,773 Or you'll do what exactly? 246 00:15:21,941 --> 00:15:24,108 Hit me with that fish? 247 00:15:29,114 --> 00:15:31,950 Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. 248 00:15:32,117 --> 00:15:34,619 Jesus wept! 249 00:15:34,787 --> 00:15:36,454 Look at my suit. 250 00:15:38,207 --> 00:15:40,416 Take what you want, but don't kill or rape me. 251 00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:44,879 Give over! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped. 252 00:15:47,591 --> 00:15:48,633 See? 253 00:15:51,262 --> 00:15:54,055 I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. 254 00:15:55,266 --> 00:15:57,308 Make yourself useful and give me that towel. 255 00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:00,770 Honestly, you bottom-feeders and your arrogance. 256 00:16:00,938 --> 00:16:03,606 You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers. 257 00:16:04,024 --> 00:16:05,275 What are you? 258 00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,318 I'm pissed off is what I am. 259 00:16:07,486 --> 00:16:11,447 Do you drench everyone who comes in here with flame-retardant chemicals? 260 00:16:11,615 --> 00:16:14,075 No wonder you're single. 261 00:16:18,330 --> 00:16:20,331 Stand back. 262 00:16:29,341 --> 00:16:31,009 As I was saying... 263 00:16:31,594 --> 00:16:34,304 ...prior to your fire-fighting episode... 264 00:16:35,014 --> 00:16:37,850 ...I am the Metatron. 265 00:16:41,396 --> 00:16:43,355 Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. 266 00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:46,609 You people. 267 00:16:47,402 --> 00:16:50,863 If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it? 268 00:16:51,823 --> 00:16:53,866 I am a seraphim. 269 00:16:55,452 --> 00:16:58,537 The highest choir of angels. 270 00:16:59,998 --> 00:17:01,832 You do know what an angel is, don't you? 271 00:17:04,878 --> 00:17:07,463 Metatron acts as the voice of God. 272 00:17:07,631 --> 00:17:11,759 Any occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them... 273 00:17:11,926 --> 00:17:13,552 ...they're speaking to me. 274 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,888 Or they're talking to themselves. 275 00:17:18,058 --> 00:17:20,059 Why doesn't God speak for himself? 276 00:17:20,977 --> 00:17:24,271 Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that... 277 00:17:24,439 --> 00:17:27,775 ...human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity... 278 00:17:27,942 --> 00:17:32,071 ...to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. 279 00:17:32,238 --> 00:17:35,658 Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode. 280 00:17:35,825 --> 00:17:38,577 We went through five Adams before we figured that one out. 281 00:17:39,663 --> 00:17:42,498 Well, how do I know you're an angel? 282 00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:47,503 What, aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? 283 00:17:49,839 --> 00:17:51,591 You want more proof? 284 00:17:51,759 --> 00:17:53,301 Fine. 285 00:17:53,469 --> 00:17:54,594 How about tequila? 286 00:18:01,936 --> 00:18:03,269 Where the hell are we? 287 00:18:03,437 --> 00:18:05,814 Only place you can go for a good tequila. 288 00:18:05,981 --> 00:18:09,067 Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass. 289 00:18:11,112 --> 00:18:12,779 We're in Mexico? 290 00:18:12,947 --> 00:18:15,448 Actually, we're in the franchised Mexican eatery... 291 00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:17,617 ...down the street from your apartment... 292 00:18:17,785 --> 00:18:19,536 ...but it's impressive nonetheless. 293 00:18:20,121 --> 00:18:22,205 You don't mind I lost the wings, do you? 294 00:18:22,373 --> 00:18:24,290 I'm trying to keep our profile low. 295 00:18:24,792 --> 00:18:26,126 What do you want with me? 296 00:18:28,754 --> 00:18:32,632 I am to charge you with a holy crusade. 297 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,969 For the record, I work in an abortion clinic. 298 00:18:36,137 --> 00:18:38,388 Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. 299 00:18:38,556 --> 00:18:40,432 And no one's asking you to build an ark. 300 00:18:40,599 --> 00:18:42,434 All you gotta do is go to New Jersey... 301 00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:45,061 ...and visit a small church on a very important day. 302 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:50,817 New Jersey? 303 00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:54,112 That doesn't sound like much of a crusade. 304 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,656 Aside from the fine print, that's it. 305 00:18:56,824 --> 00:18:58,825 What's the fine print? 306 00:18:59,744 --> 00:19:02,829 Stop a couple angels from entering and thus negating all existence. 307 00:19:02,997 --> 00:19:05,123 Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. 308 00:19:05,291 --> 00:19:08,377 Stop a couple of angels from entering... 309 00:19:08,545 --> 00:19:11,505 ...and thus negating all existence. 310 00:19:11,673 --> 00:19:14,008 I hate it when people need it spelled out for them. 311 00:19:14,176 --> 00:19:15,968 You might want to clarify that. 312 00:19:17,179 --> 00:19:21,348 Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered. 313 00:19:21,516 --> 00:19:23,517 And his wrath was bore... 314 00:19:23,685 --> 00:19:26,854 ...by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. 315 00:19:27,022 --> 00:19:29,106 When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed... 316 00:19:29,274 --> 00:19:30,691 ...that was Loki. 317 00:19:30,859 --> 00:19:34,779 When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie... 318 00:19:34,946 --> 00:19:37,615 ...that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. 319 00:19:38,366 --> 00:19:42,495 But one day he refused to bear God's wrath any longer. 320 00:19:43,205 --> 00:19:45,956 - Why? - He listened to his friend... 321 00:19:46,124 --> 00:19:48,209 ...a Grigori by the name of Bartleby. 322 00:19:48,376 --> 00:19:49,376 Grigori? 323 00:19:49,544 --> 00:19:52,671 One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. 324 00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:54,215 Guess what they do. 325 00:19:54,382 --> 00:19:58,719 So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt... 326 00:19:59,179 --> 00:20:01,305 The Tenth Plague. 327 00:20:01,473 --> 00:20:03,974 Tell a person you're the Metatron, they stare blankly. 328 00:20:04,142 --> 00:20:06,268 Mention something in a Charlton Heston movie... 329 00:20:06,436 --> 00:20:08,562 ...and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar. 330 00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:10,564 May I continue uninterrupted? 331 00:20:10,732 --> 00:20:12,691 Once he's done with the firstborn... 332 00:20:12,859 --> 00:20:17,446 ...Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. 333 00:20:17,614 --> 00:20:19,865 And over many rounds... 334 00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,076 ...they get into this discussion about... 335 00:20:22,244 --> 00:20:24,079 ...whether murder in God's name is okay. 336 00:20:24,247 --> 00:20:25,497 And in the end... 337 00:20:25,665 --> 00:20:29,543 ...Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position... 338 00:20:29,710 --> 00:20:31,920 ...and take one which doesn't involve slaughter. 339 00:20:32,088 --> 00:20:33,588 So... 340 00:20:35,091 --> 00:20:37,425 ...very inebriated... 341 00:20:37,593 --> 00:20:40,136 ...Loki tells God he quits... 342 00:20:40,304 --> 00:20:42,514 ...throws down his fiery sword... 343 00:20:42,682 --> 00:20:44,558 ...and gives him the finger. 344 00:20:44,725 --> 00:20:47,769 Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward... 345 00:20:47,937 --> 00:20:50,939 ...God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. 346 00:20:51,107 --> 00:20:52,524 Hence all the spitting. 347 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:55,026 So for their insolence... 348 00:20:55,194 --> 00:20:58,029 ...God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby... 349 00:20:58,197 --> 00:21:00,740 ...would ever be allowed back into Paradise. 350 00:21:00,908 --> 00:21:02,617 - Were they sent to hell? - Worse. 351 00:21:02,994 --> 00:21:04,619 Wisconsin... 352 00:21:04,787 --> 00:21:07,414 ...for the entire span of human history. 353 00:21:07,582 --> 00:21:11,042 And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for eternity. 354 00:21:11,210 --> 00:21:12,961 And this has what to do with me? 355 00:21:13,129 --> 00:21:17,507 Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma... 356 00:21:17,675 --> 00:21:20,218 ...that would allow them to reenter heaven. 357 00:21:20,386 --> 00:21:22,971 So what? They beat the system. Good for them. 358 00:21:23,139 --> 00:21:24,973 It's not that simple. 359 00:21:25,141 --> 00:21:29,519 If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. 360 00:21:30,855 --> 00:21:34,149 Now listen closely because this bit's very important. 361 00:21:34,984 --> 00:21:38,946 Existence in all its form and splendor... 362 00:21:39,114 --> 00:21:42,658 ...functions solely on one principle: 363 00:21:42,826 --> 00:21:45,786 God is infallible. 364 00:21:45,954 --> 00:21:47,788 To prove him wrong... 365 00:21:47,956 --> 00:21:50,833 ...would undo reality and everything that is. 366 00:21:51,001 --> 00:21:53,794 Up would become down, black would become white. 367 00:21:53,962 --> 00:21:56,839 Existence would become nothingness. 368 00:21:57,007 --> 00:21:58,549 In essence... 369 00:21:59,635 --> 00:22:02,094 ...if they're allowed to enter that church... 370 00:22:03,931 --> 00:22:06,849 ...they'll unmake the world. 371 00:22:07,309 --> 00:22:09,852 If this is so major, why are you talking to me? 372 00:22:10,020 --> 00:22:11,854 Why doesn't God do something about it? 373 00:22:12,022 --> 00:22:15,858 He could. But he'd rather see you take care of this one personally. 374 00:22:16,443 --> 00:22:17,610 Why me? 375 00:22:18,195 --> 00:22:19,987 Because of who you are. 376 00:22:20,155 --> 00:22:21,864 And who am I? 377 00:22:22,366 --> 00:22:24,075 The girl in the P.J.'s! 378 00:22:24,242 --> 00:22:27,870 Don't ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose. 379 00:22:28,038 --> 00:22:29,997 I'm gonna have to pass. 380 00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:32,041 I beg your pardon? 381 00:22:32,209 --> 00:22:36,545 When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God? 382 00:22:36,713 --> 00:22:38,214 When my husband decided... 383 00:22:38,382 --> 00:22:40,967 ...he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear children... 384 00:22:41,134 --> 00:22:42,176 ...where was God? 385 00:22:44,721 --> 00:22:45,846 To hell with him. 386 00:22:46,014 --> 00:22:50,059 Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being... 387 00:22:50,227 --> 00:22:52,478 ...just because of a grudge against your creator. 388 00:22:52,646 --> 00:22:54,982 So you lost the ability to make life. 389 00:22:55,149 --> 00:22:58,568 You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world... 390 00:22:58,736 --> 00:23:00,904 ...by acting like one and protecting it. 391 00:23:01,072 --> 00:23:02,990 Saving it! 392 00:23:05,535 --> 00:23:07,452 But I can't make you. 393 00:23:08,579 --> 00:23:11,123 However, if you should decide to stop being selfish... 394 00:23:11,290 --> 00:23:13,709 ...and accept your responsibility... 395 00:23:13,876 --> 00:23:15,669 ...you won't be alone. 396 00:23:15,837 --> 00:23:17,087 You'll have support. 397 00:23:17,255 --> 00:23:19,256 What? More angels? 398 00:23:19,424 --> 00:23:21,008 Prophets. 399 00:23:22,927 --> 00:23:25,971 In a manner of speaking. Two of them. 400 00:23:28,558 --> 00:23:30,976 The one who speaks... 401 00:23:31,144 --> 00:23:34,479 And he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not. 402 00:23:34,647 --> 00:23:36,732 - will make mention of himself as a prophet. 403 00:23:36,899 --> 00:23:38,275 The other one... 404 00:23:39,318 --> 00:23:41,028 ...well, he's the quiet type. 405 00:23:41,195 --> 00:23:42,362 Look, I've gotta go. 406 00:23:42,530 --> 00:23:44,781 Remember, we're working in a time frame here. 407 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,618 Hey. 408 00:23:49,287 --> 00:23:51,455 - What's he like? - God? 409 00:23:53,583 --> 00:23:55,167 Lonely... 410 00:23:55,334 --> 00:23:57,127 ...but funny. 411 00:23:57,295 --> 00:23:59,212 He's got a great sense of humor. 412 00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:01,381 Sex, for example. There's nothing funnier... 413 00:24:01,549 --> 00:24:04,134 ...than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus. 414 00:24:04,302 --> 00:24:06,136 Sex is a joke in heaven? 415 00:24:06,304 --> 00:24:10,016 The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too. 416 00:24:10,184 --> 00:24:11,392 I'll see you. 417 00:26:14,517 --> 00:26:17,269 Snootch to the motherfucking nootch! 418 00:26:53,474 --> 00:26:56,851 Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks! 419 00:26:57,978 --> 00:27:00,396 Snoogans. Did you see that shit, man? 420 00:27:00,564 --> 00:27:04,651 I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pubeless asses! 421 00:27:10,074 --> 00:27:12,450 I don't know what to say or think, except... 422 00:27:12,618 --> 00:27:14,452 That you'll offer us sex as a reward? 423 00:27:14,620 --> 00:27:17,789 That I'd like to know who they and you are. 424 00:27:17,957 --> 00:27:20,708 I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob. 425 00:27:20,876 --> 00:27:23,503 I don't know those kids, but they would have kicked yours... 426 00:27:23,671 --> 00:27:26,339 ...and lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented. 427 00:27:26,507 --> 00:27:29,217 Well, thanks for being out here so late. 428 00:27:29,385 --> 00:27:31,511 Wait a minute. Are you protestors? 429 00:27:31,679 --> 00:27:34,597 You mean those dickheads with signs and pictures of dead babies? 430 00:27:34,765 --> 00:27:37,016 Shit, no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. 431 00:27:37,184 --> 00:27:39,143 A woman's body is her own fucking business. 432 00:27:39,311 --> 00:27:41,187 But what are you doing hanging around? 433 00:27:41,355 --> 00:27:43,314 We're here to pick up chicks. 434 00:27:44,108 --> 00:27:45,149 Excuse me? 435 00:27:45,317 --> 00:27:48,361 We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women. 436 00:27:48,529 --> 00:27:51,197 Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck? 437 00:27:52,157 --> 00:27:54,200 Right. 438 00:27:54,368 --> 00:27:57,037 Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue. 439 00:27:57,205 --> 00:27:58,914 - I think. - Wait a second. 440 00:27:59,082 --> 00:28:01,667 We just saved your ass, and you're just gonna take off. 441 00:28:01,835 --> 00:28:02,876 What the shit is that? 442 00:28:03,044 --> 00:28:06,839 I had a weird night last night and tonight's not shaping up to be better. 443 00:28:07,007 --> 00:28:09,883 I think I should go home, take some Percosets and lay down. 444 00:28:11,303 --> 00:28:14,596 Now, how about that shit? Fuck this town, man! 445 00:28:14,764 --> 00:28:17,391 I'm going back to Jersey and starting the business again. 446 00:28:17,559 --> 00:28:21,228 I can kick the shit out of kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit. 447 00:28:21,396 --> 00:28:23,814 Prophets. Two of them. 448 00:28:23,982 --> 00:28:25,691 You know what I'm saying, Silent Bob? 449 00:28:25,859 --> 00:28:27,693 You gotta be kidding me. 450 00:28:27,861 --> 00:28:30,404 We call this piece "The Fecalator." 451 00:28:30,572 --> 00:28:33,115 One look at it and the target shits him or herself. 452 00:28:33,283 --> 00:28:34,700 Try it on. 453 00:28:35,493 --> 00:28:37,870 It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword... 454 00:28:38,038 --> 00:28:39,997 ...but it's not nearly as impressive. 455 00:28:40,165 --> 00:28:43,375 It doesn't have that "wrath of the Almighty" edge to it. 456 00:28:43,543 --> 00:28:47,588 How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this? 457 00:28:47,756 --> 00:28:48,756 Look at this. 458 00:28:49,257 --> 00:28:53,510 Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste like. 459 00:28:53,678 --> 00:28:56,513 Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. 460 00:28:56,681 --> 00:28:58,891 You got to stand and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. 461 00:28:59,059 --> 00:29:00,893 I had to do all the work. 462 00:29:01,061 --> 00:29:04,188 What work did you do? You lit a few fires. 463 00:29:04,356 --> 00:29:06,899 I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference. 464 00:29:07,067 --> 00:29:08,650 Okay, I'm sure. 465 00:29:08,818 --> 00:29:12,614 Fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. 466 00:29:12,782 --> 00:29:14,657 Raining down sulfur is an endurance trial. 467 00:29:14,825 --> 00:29:17,535 Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can do... 468 00:29:17,703 --> 00:29:19,204 ...next to soccer. 469 00:29:20,623 --> 00:29:22,415 I'll take this one. 470 00:29:35,930 --> 00:29:39,307 So, what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both? 471 00:29:39,475 --> 00:29:41,768 If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. 472 00:29:41,936 --> 00:29:43,895 You're a man of principle. 473 00:29:44,063 --> 00:29:47,607 Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here? 474 00:29:47,775 --> 00:29:50,151 Some fuck named John Hughes. 475 00:29:50,319 --> 00:29:51,903 Sixteen Candles John Hughes? 476 00:29:52,822 --> 00:29:56,157 You know that guy too? That fucking guy. 477 00:29:56,325 --> 00:29:58,993 He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad. 478 00:29:59,161 --> 00:30:01,079 There's tits in it, but no bush. 479 00:30:01,247 --> 00:30:03,998 But Ebert here don't give a shit about that kind of thing... 480 00:30:04,166 --> 00:30:06,501 ...because he's in love with this John Hughes guy. 481 00:30:06,669 --> 00:30:08,753 He goes out and rents every one of his movies. 482 00:30:08,921 --> 00:30:13,258 Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention. 483 00:30:13,426 --> 00:30:17,137 Fucking Weird Science, where this babe wants to undress and get down... 484 00:30:17,304 --> 00:30:20,348 ...but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie. 485 00:30:20,516 --> 00:30:24,602 And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore... 486 00:30:24,770 --> 00:30:28,023 ...because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy... 487 00:30:28,191 --> 00:30:31,652 ...he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. 488 00:30:31,820 --> 00:30:34,989 And there's nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep. 489 00:30:35,157 --> 00:30:36,991 What exactly brought you to Illlinois? 490 00:30:37,159 --> 00:30:40,953 All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois... 491 00:30:41,121 --> 00:30:45,166 ...where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. 492 00:30:45,333 --> 00:30:48,210 Except for Judd Nelson. He was fucking harsh. 493 00:30:48,378 --> 00:30:49,545 But best of all... 494 00:30:49,713 --> 00:30:51,755 ...there was no one dealing, man. 495 00:30:51,923 --> 00:30:54,175 Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats... 496 00:30:54,342 --> 00:30:56,886 ...if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. 497 00:30:57,053 --> 00:30:59,889 So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. 498 00:31:00,056 --> 00:31:03,058 But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? 499 00:31:03,226 --> 00:31:06,061 There is no Shermer in Illinois. 500 00:31:06,229 --> 00:31:08,063 Movies are fucking bullshit. 501 00:31:08,231 --> 00:31:09,732 When are you going to New Jersey? 502 00:31:09,900 --> 00:31:12,151 Jeez, this broad asks a lot of questions. 503 00:31:12,319 --> 00:31:15,404 - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow. 504 00:31:15,572 --> 00:31:17,323 Yeah. So you do anal? 505 00:31:17,491 --> 00:31:19,909 Is it true chicks fart if you blast them in the ass? 506 00:31:20,076 --> 00:31:21,911 I didn't ask you out for sex. 507 00:31:22,078 --> 00:31:23,954 I'll take head. 508 00:31:26,249 --> 00:31:29,919 This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this... 509 00:31:32,547 --> 00:31:34,423 ...but I think I should go with you. 510 00:31:34,591 --> 00:31:37,760 What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? 511 00:31:38,386 --> 00:31:41,514 All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent. 512 00:31:41,681 --> 00:31:44,392 No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey. 513 00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:45,560 Really? 514 00:31:45,728 --> 00:31:47,729 You're going to lead me somewhere. 515 00:31:47,897 --> 00:31:49,356 Me lead you? 516 00:31:49,524 --> 00:31:52,317 Lady, look at me. I don't even know where I am half the time. 517 00:31:52,485 --> 00:31:55,570 If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for? 518 00:31:55,738 --> 00:31:59,741 Someone said I'd meet you and you'd take me someplace I'm supposed to go. 519 00:31:59,909 --> 00:32:01,785 What the hell are you babbling about? 520 00:32:01,953 --> 00:32:04,538 We saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarves... 521 00:32:04,705 --> 00:32:08,416 ...and now we're supposed to take you somewhere as if we know where it is? 522 00:32:10,378 --> 00:32:12,087 Do you believe in God? 523 00:32:13,464 --> 00:32:16,758 Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches out in front of that place... 524 00:32:16,926 --> 00:32:18,343 ...and we get the Jesus freak? 525 00:32:18,511 --> 00:32:20,136 - Let's get out of here. - No, wait. 526 00:32:20,304 --> 00:32:21,930 - I'll scream rape. - I can pay you. 527 00:32:22,932 --> 00:32:24,349 Pay? 528 00:32:27,019 --> 00:32:28,937 A hundred bucks for being my guide. 529 00:32:29,105 --> 00:32:33,108 You were going to Jersey anyway. All I'm asking is to tag along. 530 00:32:33,276 --> 00:32:36,653 I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi... 531 00:32:36,821 --> 00:32:39,155 ...and we're in that fucked-up bar! 532 00:32:39,323 --> 00:32:40,740 What about sex? 533 00:32:40,908 --> 00:32:42,158 No sex. 534 00:32:44,287 --> 00:32:48,081 Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live. 535 00:32:48,249 --> 00:32:51,668 A bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you fuck us then? 536 00:32:51,836 --> 00:32:53,795 In that highly unlikely situation? 537 00:32:57,091 --> 00:32:58,342 Yeah, sure. 538 00:32:58,719 --> 00:33:01,512 Yeah? She's a slut. 539 00:33:03,849 --> 00:33:05,433 All right. 540 00:33:07,519 --> 00:33:08,936 But I get to drive. 541 00:33:18,113 --> 00:33:20,323 What gear are you in? 542 00:33:20,490 --> 00:33:21,782 Gear? 543 00:33:30,792 --> 00:33:33,377 Well, what do I know about shifting? 544 00:33:37,007 --> 00:33:38,674 Like I ever drove before. 545 00:33:43,013 --> 00:33:45,348 Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania... 546 00:33:45,515 --> 00:33:46,849 ...New Jersey. 547 00:33:47,017 --> 00:33:48,934 Maybe you're wrong on the slaughter thing. 548 00:33:49,102 --> 00:33:51,896 How can you be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? 549 00:33:52,064 --> 00:33:53,230 Times change. 550 00:33:53,398 --> 00:33:57,026 I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a hell-worthy trespass. 551 00:33:57,194 --> 00:33:59,612 The major sins never change. 552 00:34:01,031 --> 00:34:03,449 And besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker... 553 00:34:03,617 --> 00:34:05,743 ...from, like, a mile away. 554 00:34:05,911 --> 00:34:07,662 Bet on it. 555 00:34:07,829 --> 00:34:10,623 This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet... 556 00:34:10,791 --> 00:34:13,919 ...about which was gonna be the bigger movie, E. T. or Krush Groove. 557 00:34:14,087 --> 00:34:17,255 You know, fuck you, man, because time's gonna tell on that one. 558 00:34:20,551 --> 00:34:24,054 Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore? 559 00:34:24,222 --> 00:34:25,681 Insinuating, no. 560 00:34:25,848 --> 00:34:28,392 Flat-out telling you. 561 00:34:31,396 --> 00:34:33,438 Right there. Right there. There's one. 562 00:34:33,606 --> 00:34:35,732 So? They're kissing. 563 00:34:35,900 --> 00:34:36,942 Adultery. 564 00:34:37,110 --> 00:34:39,277 - Adultery? - Adultery. 565 00:34:39,445 --> 00:34:41,363 You are just a simple creature. 566 00:34:41,531 --> 00:34:43,990 - Am I right or what? - I happen to know the truth. 567 00:34:44,158 --> 00:34:47,119 I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see how boned up on the job you are. 568 00:34:47,286 --> 00:34:49,955 - What's your proof? - He's wearing a wedding band. 569 00:34:50,123 --> 00:34:52,749 And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife? 570 00:34:52,917 --> 00:34:55,127 No married man kisses his wife like that. 571 00:34:55,294 --> 00:34:57,963 Okay. Well, it's a good thing you were never... 572 00:34:58,131 --> 00:35:01,007 ...the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying. 573 00:35:01,175 --> 00:35:04,970 "No married man kisses his wife like that"? Are you stoned? 574 00:35:05,138 --> 00:35:06,138 Excuse me. 575 00:35:08,975 --> 00:35:10,392 Are you married? 576 00:35:11,060 --> 00:35:12,269 Why? 577 00:35:12,437 --> 00:35:13,812 I'm just curious. 578 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:16,231 What do you think? 579 00:35:24,866 --> 00:35:27,200 - What? - To her? 580 00:35:27,368 --> 00:35:29,328 - What? - Are you married to her? 581 00:35:29,496 --> 00:35:32,832 Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no. 582 00:35:33,333 --> 00:35:34,751 Why? 583 00:36:19,505 --> 00:36:21,547 Whose house? 584 00:36:21,715 --> 00:36:24,091 Run's house 585 00:36:24,259 --> 00:36:26,803 I said, whose house? 586 00:36:26,970 --> 00:36:28,805 Run's house 587 00:36:28,972 --> 00:36:31,015 Whose house Say what? 588 00:36:31,183 --> 00:36:33,392 Run's house Say what? 589 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:37,021 Martin 590 00:36:39,233 --> 00:36:42,235 She's fucking pissed, dude. She's never gonna fuck us now. 591 00:36:42,402 --> 00:36:44,320 Maybe you, but definitely not me. 592 00:36:44,488 --> 00:36:46,573 Let me know how she is. 593 00:36:46,741 --> 00:36:49,493 Nobody is fucking me! You got that? 594 00:36:50,411 --> 00:36:52,663 I don't know what I was thinking in that diner... 595 00:36:52,831 --> 00:36:55,916 ...but being that I've decided to go home, and not to New Jersey... 596 00:36:56,084 --> 00:36:58,544 ...sorry for the inconvenience, and goodbye. 597 00:36:59,254 --> 00:37:00,754 You're breaking up with us? 598 00:37:02,173 --> 00:37:04,424 Who the hell do you think you are, lady? 599 00:37:04,592 --> 00:37:07,511 You can't just go around breaking people's hearts like that! 600 00:37:07,679 --> 00:37:10,848 I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you! 601 00:37:11,015 --> 00:37:14,101 Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know. 602 00:37:21,818 --> 00:37:25,737 Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't fall out of the sky, you know. 603 00:37:39,752 --> 00:37:41,128 No heartbeat. 604 00:37:41,296 --> 00:37:44,089 Think someone threw him out a plane with a message on him... 605 00:37:44,257 --> 00:37:45,632 ...like in Con Air? 606 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,427 - Did you ever see that flick? - Oh, did that suck! 607 00:37:48,595 --> 00:37:51,138 - Con Air? Con Shit. - Kill it! Kill it! 608 00:37:51,306 --> 00:37:54,308 - Sounds familiar. - Jesus, are you okay? 609 00:37:54,475 --> 00:37:56,476 Yeah, it's Rufus. And yeah, I'm fine. 610 00:37:56,644 --> 00:37:58,812 He's the fucking undead! Cut his head off! 611 00:37:58,980 --> 00:38:01,774 Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! 612 00:38:01,942 --> 00:38:05,945 So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel. 613 00:38:06,113 --> 00:38:08,489 Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. 614 00:38:08,657 --> 00:38:11,326 - Rufus, is it? - Yes, Rufus it is. 615 00:38:11,493 --> 00:38:15,830 It's usually Long Rufus, but it's a little cold out here. You understand. 616 00:38:15,998 --> 00:38:19,250 Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I find threads? 617 00:38:21,170 --> 00:38:23,421 Dude, he fell out of thin air. 618 00:38:24,548 --> 00:38:27,842 Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor. 619 00:38:28,010 --> 00:38:30,303 - Dude! - Thanks a lot, baby. 620 00:38:31,513 --> 00:38:33,556 I'll do my best to tuck it back. 621 00:38:33,724 --> 00:38:36,184 It's been a while since physics but I would think... 622 00:38:36,352 --> 00:38:39,187 ...the impact with which you hit would have liquefied you. 623 00:38:39,355 --> 00:38:41,022 Death is a worry of the living. 624 00:38:41,190 --> 00:38:44,651 The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs. 625 00:38:44,818 --> 00:38:47,445 - Told you he was the undead. - Not the undead. The dead. 626 00:38:47,613 --> 00:38:48,655 I died. 627 00:38:48,822 --> 00:38:50,990 Christ told me the secret to resurrection once. 628 00:38:51,158 --> 00:38:54,619 We were at this wedding in Canaan. And I got drunk and forgot it. 629 00:38:54,787 --> 00:38:56,454 Wait, wait, wait. 630 00:38:56,622 --> 00:38:58,414 Christ? 631 00:38:58,582 --> 00:39:00,541 You knew Christ? 632 00:39:00,709 --> 00:39:02,710 Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks. 633 00:39:03,545 --> 00:39:04,629 Let me guess. 634 00:39:04,797 --> 00:39:07,215 - You're another angel? - Oh, I ain't no angel. 635 00:39:07,383 --> 00:39:10,134 I'm a man, just like you and him. Well, maybe not him. 636 00:39:10,302 --> 00:39:11,844 At least I was a man. 637 00:39:12,012 --> 00:39:15,098 Been dead nearly 2000 years. Here, check this out. 638 00:39:16,309 --> 00:39:19,395 No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rocking the ganj. 639 00:39:19,562 --> 00:39:21,647 It's not a joint. 640 00:39:21,815 --> 00:39:24,024 I can't read this. 641 00:39:24,192 --> 00:39:29,154 It's Aramaic. It says, "Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus." 642 00:39:29,322 --> 00:39:32,408 Freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up. 643 00:39:32,575 --> 00:39:35,327 Took all the flavor out of the remaining years. We gotta go. 644 00:39:35,495 --> 00:39:39,039 Let's say we continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit. 645 00:39:39,207 --> 00:39:41,709 I'm starving. Back off, Kato. 646 00:39:41,876 --> 00:39:43,043 Wait a second! 647 00:39:44,587 --> 00:39:46,880 Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky... 648 00:39:47,048 --> 00:39:48,924 ...and guys trying like hell to fuck me... 649 00:39:49,092 --> 00:39:52,052 ...I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far. 650 00:39:52,220 --> 00:39:55,514 But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where you came from. 651 00:39:55,682 --> 00:39:57,558 Me? I came from heaven. 652 00:39:57,726 --> 00:39:59,101 Now let's start walking. 653 00:39:59,269 --> 00:40:02,062 Walk? Fuck you! Do you know how far we are from anywheres? 654 00:40:02,230 --> 00:40:06,316 Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere. 655 00:40:06,484 --> 00:40:08,736 Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? 656 00:40:13,324 --> 00:40:15,617 What the hell's an apostle? 657 00:40:39,310 --> 00:40:40,560 Let me get this straight. 658 00:40:40,728 --> 00:40:42,937 She's already met the prophets... 659 00:40:43,105 --> 00:40:45,106 ...and the apostle's with them? 660 00:40:48,152 --> 00:40:50,320 I think that our best course of action... 661 00:40:50,488 --> 00:40:53,907 ...is to ensure that our parcel is not found. 662 00:40:54,075 --> 00:40:58,620 And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a woman... 663 00:41:00,331 --> 00:41:02,832 ...well, I'm left with no choice... 664 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:07,045 ...but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package. 665 00:41:10,466 --> 00:41:12,509 I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan. 666 00:41:15,679 --> 00:41:18,014 I appreciate the loan. You can have that back. 667 00:41:18,182 --> 00:41:21,476 I remember when all we had for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. 668 00:41:21,644 --> 00:41:24,020 - What do you call this shit? - Egga Mooby Muffin. 669 00:41:24,188 --> 00:41:27,273 Now, how about you start explaining things, like for starters... 670 00:41:27,441 --> 00:41:28,775 ...how did you find us? 671 00:41:28,943 --> 00:41:31,194 You know what the dead do with most of their time? 672 00:41:31,362 --> 00:41:34,030 Watch the living. Especially in the shower. 673 00:41:34,198 --> 00:41:35,698 I can't wait to die. 674 00:41:35,866 --> 00:41:37,617 And why are you watching me? 675 00:41:37,785 --> 00:41:40,036 Because you're gonna help me get changes made... 676 00:41:40,204 --> 00:41:42,038 ...in that book you put so much stock in. 677 00:41:42,206 --> 00:41:44,499 - Hustler? - The Bible! 678 00:41:44,667 --> 00:41:47,878 - What's your beef with the Bible? - For starters, I'm not in it. 679 00:41:48,046 --> 00:41:50,548 Neither are we. You don't hear us bitching and moaning. 680 00:41:50,715 --> 00:41:54,051 But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the 13th apostle. 681 00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:59,723 I've gone to church my whole life and never heard of Rufus, the 13th apostle. 682 00:41:59,891 --> 00:42:02,560 Yeah, but you heard of the other 12 apostles. 683 00:42:02,727 --> 00:42:06,230 Yeah, all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. 684 00:42:06,398 --> 00:42:08,858 And why is that? Because I'm a black man. 685 00:42:09,025 --> 00:42:11,026 But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. 686 00:42:11,194 --> 00:42:15,531 I'm mainly here to correct a major error you've been basing the faith on. 687 00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:19,160 - What's that? - Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black. 688 00:42:19,327 --> 00:42:20,411 I don't buy it. 689 00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:24,665 If that's true, why did he get written about and you were left out? 690 00:42:24,833 --> 00:42:26,792 Well, he is the son of God. 691 00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,253 Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him. 692 00:42:29,421 --> 00:42:32,089 So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity. 693 00:42:32,257 --> 00:42:35,759 Leaving me out's okay because you still got 12 white boys to choose from. 694 00:42:35,927 --> 00:42:37,261 You gonna listen to this shit? 695 00:42:37,429 --> 00:42:39,513 That's what the good people of Antioch said... 696 00:42:39,681 --> 00:42:41,390 ...right before they stoned my ass. 697 00:42:41,558 --> 00:42:42,600 You were martyred? 698 00:42:42,767 --> 00:42:44,602 That's one way of putting it. 699 00:42:44,769 --> 00:42:47,730 Another way is to say I was bludgeoned by big fucking rocks. 700 00:42:47,898 --> 00:42:50,608 White folks only wanna hear the good shit: 701 00:42:50,775 --> 00:42:52,943 Life eternal, a place in God's heaven. 702 00:42:53,111 --> 00:42:55,696 But as soon as you hear you're getting this good shit... 703 00:42:55,864 --> 00:42:57,406 ...from a black Jesus, you freak. 704 00:42:57,574 --> 00:42:59,700 And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. 705 00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:04,456 A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior. 706 00:43:04,624 --> 00:43:05,916 Gonna eat that hash brown? 707 00:43:07,001 --> 00:43:08,877 So you went to heaven? 708 00:43:09,045 --> 00:43:12,047 Damn right I went to heaven! Shit, that's the least he could do. 709 00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:15,717 In the three years I followed his ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? 710 00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:18,762 Hell, no. And I was in my prime. 711 00:43:18,930 --> 00:43:21,473 I could have been knee-deep in shepherds' daughters... 712 00:43:21,641 --> 00:43:24,142 ...not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. 713 00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:26,144 She had a thing for dark meat. 714 00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:29,272 Maybe this is just me talking, but if I were in heaven... 715 00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:32,442 ...I wouldn't care what the Bible said as long as the message was right. 716 00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:34,653 The message is what counts. 717 00:43:34,820 --> 00:43:38,490 But folks who build their faith on that message should be colorblind. 718 00:43:38,658 --> 00:43:41,660 And all my rabble-rousing is not doing that much above. 719 00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:43,536 So I'm gonna need some help down here. 720 00:43:43,704 --> 00:43:47,457 That's why I'm gonna help stop those angels from getting into that church... 721 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:50,126 ...in exchange for you helping me with my campaign. 722 00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:52,963 How do you know about that, the angels? 723 00:43:53,130 --> 00:43:56,174 - Isn't much I don't know about you. - I find that hard to believe. 724 00:43:56,342 --> 00:44:00,512 When you were 5, you let a kid from next door piss in your hand. 725 00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:04,015 You did that shit? You're nasty. 726 00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:06,601 I never told anybody about that. 727 00:44:06,769 --> 00:44:08,353 Neither did he. 728 00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:11,273 Two years later, that kid died of leukemia. 729 00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,025 - His name was Brian Johnson. - Brian Johnson. 730 00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,278 See, your exploits, no matter how inane... 731 00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:18,364 ...are well documented in heaven. 732 00:44:18,532 --> 00:44:20,283 Probably hell too. 733 00:44:25,872 --> 00:44:27,164 Where are you going? 734 00:44:27,332 --> 00:44:29,041 Yo, man, tell me something about me. 735 00:44:29,209 --> 00:44:32,086 You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. 736 00:44:32,254 --> 00:44:35,047 Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. 737 00:44:35,215 --> 00:44:37,550 When you do it, you're thinking about guys. 738 00:44:40,971 --> 00:44:43,848 - Dude, not all the time. - Sorry if I scared you. 739 00:44:47,019 --> 00:44:50,896 Two-thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. 740 00:44:51,064 --> 00:44:53,566 Yesterday, I wasn't sure if God even existed. 741 00:44:53,734 --> 00:44:57,153 Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology. 742 00:44:57,321 --> 00:45:01,073 Let me let you in on a little inside info. 743 00:45:01,241 --> 00:45:06,203 God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology." 744 00:45:07,039 --> 00:45:11,834 Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets" what we should call it instead. 745 00:45:14,796 --> 00:45:17,131 Where did those two assholes go? 746 00:45:34,942 --> 00:45:36,943 What are you doing? 747 00:45:37,111 --> 00:45:39,029 Proving to this bastard I ain't gay. 748 00:45:39,197 --> 00:45:41,114 - What? - Long story. Forget it. 749 00:45:41,282 --> 00:45:43,533 We gotta get moving. How can we get to Jersey? 750 00:45:43,701 --> 00:45:45,619 The train. I'll call for reservations. 751 00:46:42,510 --> 00:46:45,387 I thought she looked familiar. 752 00:46:45,555 --> 00:46:47,097 - Who? - Serendipity. 753 00:47:00,487 --> 00:47:01,529 Morning, shoppers. 754 00:47:02,114 --> 00:47:03,364 Good morning. 755 00:47:04,324 --> 00:47:06,701 - Has anyone seen the overnights? - No, sir. 756 00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:09,662 - We creamed them. - All right. 757 00:47:12,374 --> 00:47:15,001 Last night was a rerun, which says to me... 758 00:47:17,546 --> 00:47:19,505 Do I smell onions? 759 00:47:26,013 --> 00:47:27,263 Excuse me. 760 00:47:30,726 --> 00:47:33,186 May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom? 761 00:47:34,146 --> 00:47:37,064 You may proceed, mon ami. 762 00:47:40,569 --> 00:47:42,653 I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. 763 00:47:42,821 --> 00:47:45,656 My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic. 764 00:47:45,824 --> 00:47:47,408 Oh, come on! 765 00:47:49,578 --> 00:47:52,622 Would you just relax? I'm doing it. 766 00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:56,876 Mooby, the Golden Calf. 767 00:47:57,044 --> 00:48:01,339 Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989. 768 00:48:01,507 --> 00:48:04,175 Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. 769 00:48:04,343 --> 00:48:08,013 Broadcast nationally as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour. 770 00:48:08,181 --> 00:48:12,601 Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films... 771 00:48:12,769 --> 00:48:16,647 ...16 records, eight prime-time specials... 772 00:48:16,814 --> 00:48:21,318 ...and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. 773 00:48:21,486 --> 00:48:25,364 Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... 774 00:48:25,532 --> 00:48:27,991 ...dubbed "Mooby World." 775 00:48:28,159 --> 00:48:30,410 Did I miss anything? 776 00:48:30,578 --> 00:48:32,246 You forgot Mooby Magazine. 777 00:48:32,413 --> 00:48:33,747 Damn it! 778 00:48:33,915 --> 00:48:35,541 Now, is there a point to this? 779 00:48:35,708 --> 00:48:39,378 You and your board are idolaters. 780 00:48:41,464 --> 00:48:44,299 I can't believe you forgot the magazine. 781 00:48:46,469 --> 00:48:47,970 That's you. 782 00:48:49,305 --> 00:48:51,431 Do you know much about voodoo? 783 00:48:52,976 --> 00:48:56,186 That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. 784 00:48:56,354 --> 00:48:58,981 More an arrangement of superstitions... 785 00:48:59,148 --> 00:49:01,066 ...the most well-known of which... 786 00:49:01,234 --> 00:49:02,651 ...is the voodoo doll. 787 00:49:02,819 --> 00:49:04,278 You see... 788 00:49:12,620 --> 00:49:15,581 ...a mockup of an individual is subjected... 789 00:49:15,748 --> 00:49:17,791 ...to various pokes and prods. 790 00:49:17,959 --> 00:49:22,005 The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects. 791 00:49:22,172 --> 00:49:23,631 - Call security, now! - Yes, sir. 792 00:49:28,470 --> 00:49:31,014 All lines are currently down. 793 00:49:31,181 --> 00:49:33,474 - I have to apologize... - Would you knock it off? 794 00:49:33,642 --> 00:49:36,019 You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? 795 00:49:37,229 --> 00:49:40,523 You are responsible for raising an icon... 796 00:49:40,691 --> 00:49:42,567 ...which draws worship from the Lord. 797 00:49:42,735 --> 00:49:44,986 You have broken the First Commandment. 798 00:49:45,446 --> 00:49:48,031 More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you... 799 00:49:48,198 --> 00:49:50,867 ...passes for a decent human being. 800 00:49:51,035 --> 00:49:55,371 Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. 801 00:49:55,539 --> 00:49:57,373 Like you, Mr. Burton. 802 00:49:57,541 --> 00:50:00,960 Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years eight times. 803 00:50:01,128 --> 00:50:03,212 You even had sex with her best friend... 804 00:50:03,380 --> 00:50:07,634 ...while you were supposed to be home watching the kids. 805 00:50:07,801 --> 00:50:11,220 In the bed that you and your wife share, no less. 806 00:50:11,388 --> 00:50:12,388 Mr. Newman. 807 00:50:12,556 --> 00:50:15,224 You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party... 808 00:50:15,392 --> 00:50:17,560 ...and then paid a kid from the mail room... 809 00:50:17,728 --> 00:50:20,188 ...to have sex with her while she was passed out... 810 00:50:20,356 --> 00:50:22,899 ...just so you could break up with her guilt-free... 811 00:50:23,067 --> 00:50:25,318 ...when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. 812 00:50:26,862 --> 00:50:29,572 She killed herself three months later. 813 00:50:29,740 --> 00:50:32,575 Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. 814 00:50:32,743 --> 00:50:34,577 Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. 815 00:50:34,745 --> 00:50:37,748 Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home... 816 00:50:37,916 --> 00:50:41,168 ...and used the profits from the sale of her home... 817 00:50:41,336 --> 00:50:45,089 ...to buy an Oriental rug for himself. 818 00:50:45,256 --> 00:50:46,882 Heavens. 819 00:50:47,050 --> 00:50:49,677 Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account... 820 00:50:49,844 --> 00:50:53,430 ...to have sex with an 11-year-old boy. 821 00:50:53,598 --> 00:50:56,558 Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls... 822 00:50:56,726 --> 00:50:59,395 ...from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe... 823 00:50:59,562 --> 00:51:01,897 ...because it was, survey says... 824 00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,192 ...less costly. 825 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,278 You, on the other hand... 826 00:51:08,446 --> 00:51:10,614 ...are an innocent. 827 00:51:10,782 --> 00:51:12,574 You lead a good life. 828 00:51:12,742 --> 00:51:13,784 Good for you. 829 00:51:14,661 --> 00:51:17,663 But you, Mr. Whitland... 830 00:51:17,831 --> 00:51:21,709 ...you have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. 831 00:51:21,876 --> 00:51:24,545 I cannot even mention them aloud. 832 00:51:28,383 --> 00:51:32,010 You're his father, you sick fuck. 833 00:51:35,098 --> 00:51:36,640 - Good. - Not bad, right? 834 00:51:36,808 --> 00:51:38,684 That's great work. Very good. 835 00:51:40,061 --> 00:51:41,562 Well... 836 00:51:42,731 --> 00:51:44,815 ...alone at last. 837 00:51:44,983 --> 00:51:47,443 With the exception of Miss Pryce here... 838 00:51:47,610 --> 00:51:51,321 ...there isn't a decent human being amongst you. 839 00:51:51,489 --> 00:51:53,158 Not one. 840 00:51:53,325 --> 00:51:56,828 Do you know what makes a human being decent? 841 00:51:56,996 --> 00:51:58,163 Fear. 842 00:51:58,330 --> 00:52:00,331 And therein lies the problem. 843 00:52:00,499 --> 00:52:03,334 None of you has anything left to fear anymore. 844 00:52:03,502 --> 00:52:06,838 You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power... 845 00:52:07,006 --> 00:52:10,175 ...hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment... 846 00:52:10,342 --> 00:52:13,845 ...lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. 847 00:52:15,306 --> 00:52:17,223 But not from God. 848 00:52:22,229 --> 00:52:24,355 Forgot my little voodoo doll. 849 00:52:26,442 --> 00:52:30,028 Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? 850 00:52:30,196 --> 00:52:33,865 Look, if I believed enough in this... 851 00:52:34,033 --> 00:52:35,575 ...I wonder... 852 00:52:52,384 --> 00:52:55,720 Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. 853 00:52:59,850 --> 00:53:01,726 Voodoo. 854 00:53:08,819 --> 00:53:11,320 But I do believe in this. 855 00:53:11,488 --> 00:53:13,781 Don't run! Don't run! 856 00:53:13,949 --> 00:53:17,660 Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes! Oh, and you! 857 00:53:19,204 --> 00:53:21,413 "But I do believe in this." 858 00:53:21,581 --> 00:53:22,915 What does that mean? 859 00:53:23,083 --> 00:53:24,416 And one to grow on. 860 00:53:30,590 --> 00:53:31,590 Gum? 861 00:53:33,009 --> 00:53:35,553 Go on. It's okay. 862 00:53:35,720 --> 00:53:37,680 You've done nothing wrong. 863 00:53:37,848 --> 00:53:40,850 These guys were fakes. 864 00:53:41,017 --> 00:53:43,269 You're a pure soul. 865 00:53:44,938 --> 00:53:47,439 But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed. 866 00:53:48,608 --> 00:53:50,401 Loki! 867 00:53:52,112 --> 00:53:53,445 You're getting off light. 868 00:53:53,613 --> 00:53:55,948 - Loki! - I know. I'm coming. 869 00:53:59,619 --> 00:54:01,370 You're so lucky. 870 00:54:05,458 --> 00:54:08,252 I forgot you were down here. How long now? 871 00:54:08,420 --> 00:54:09,753 Three years this August. 872 00:54:09,921 --> 00:54:13,465 Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman? 873 00:54:13,633 --> 00:54:14,800 This girl's no woman. 874 00:54:14,968 --> 00:54:17,887 Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? 875 00:54:18,054 --> 00:54:19,680 What, these? 876 00:54:19,848 --> 00:54:23,977 You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman. 877 00:54:24,145 --> 00:54:26,438 The tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits. 878 00:54:26,606 --> 00:54:30,025 What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: 879 00:54:30,192 --> 00:54:31,818 Her legs. 880 00:54:31,986 --> 00:54:34,321 But as you can see... 881 00:54:34,488 --> 00:54:36,156 ...I lack definition. 882 00:54:36,324 --> 00:54:39,951 Hey, they're getting a free show! Let me see that shit! 883 00:54:40,119 --> 00:54:43,038 Oh, God, another angel like Metatron. 884 00:54:43,205 --> 00:54:45,790 How do you know...? How does she know Metatron? 885 00:54:45,958 --> 00:54:47,834 This is the last scion. 886 00:54:48,836 --> 00:54:50,879 You're kidding. 887 00:54:53,382 --> 00:54:54,382 I'm confused. 888 00:54:54,550 --> 00:54:58,511 Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. 889 00:54:58,679 --> 00:55:02,307 Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are. 890 00:55:02,475 --> 00:55:06,144 - I used to be an abstract. - Now I'm really confused. 891 00:55:06,312 --> 00:55:07,771 I'm a muse, stupid. 892 00:55:08,898 --> 00:55:11,441 I can't take much more of this. 893 00:55:11,609 --> 00:55:13,193 So you, what, inspire people? 894 00:55:13,361 --> 00:55:15,528 What just went down with your friends there... 895 00:55:15,696 --> 00:55:18,990 It doesn't take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets. 896 00:55:19,158 --> 00:55:21,034 I used to specialize in entertainment. 897 00:55:21,202 --> 00:55:26,623 For example, I'm responsible for 19 of the 20 top-grossing films of all time. 898 00:55:26,791 --> 00:55:29,292 - Nineteen? - Yeah. 899 00:55:29,460 --> 00:55:32,295 The one about the kid by himself in his house... 900 00:55:32,463 --> 00:55:35,382 ...burglars trying to come in and he fights them off... 901 00:55:35,549 --> 00:55:37,717 ...I had nothing to do with that one. 902 00:55:38,219 --> 00:55:42,139 Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get grosses up on that piece of shit. 903 00:56:00,575 --> 00:56:02,868 What are you doing stripping? 904 00:56:03,036 --> 00:56:04,370 You remember why I left? 905 00:56:04,538 --> 00:56:07,873 Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas. 906 00:56:08,041 --> 00:56:11,085 So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. 907 00:56:11,253 --> 00:56:15,089 I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, 50 bucks... 908 00:56:15,257 --> 00:56:18,217 ...and got sent out into the world to make my fortune. 909 00:56:18,385 --> 00:56:19,927 So, what happened? 910 00:56:21,138 --> 00:56:22,680 Writer's block. 911 00:56:22,848 --> 00:56:25,599 Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. 912 00:56:25,767 --> 00:56:29,729 I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second... 913 00:56:29,896 --> 00:56:31,731 ...but I can't keep any for myself. 914 00:56:33,400 --> 00:56:35,735 Her quirky sense of humor. 915 00:56:35,902 --> 00:56:38,029 - Whose? - God's. 916 00:56:38,196 --> 00:56:41,073 - You're saying God's a woman? - Was there a doubt in your mind? 917 00:56:41,241 --> 00:56:42,950 He's always referred to as "him." 918 00:56:43,118 --> 00:56:44,660 Well, that's not how I wrote it. 919 00:56:44,828 --> 00:56:46,954 But one of the drawbacks to being intangible... 920 00:56:47,122 --> 00:56:49,623 ...is that you have no say in the editorial process. 921 00:56:49,791 --> 00:56:52,793 The people that held the pens added their own perspective... 922 00:56:52,961 --> 00:56:55,380 ...and all the penholders were men. 923 00:56:55,548 --> 00:56:59,384 So she became a he. Doesn't stop with God either. 924 00:56:59,552 --> 00:57:01,511 The whole book's gender-biased. 925 00:57:01,679 --> 00:57:03,805 A woman's responsible for original sin. 926 00:57:03,973 --> 00:57:06,099 A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. 927 00:57:06,267 --> 00:57:09,561 A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. 928 00:57:09,729 --> 00:57:11,104 Read that book again. 929 00:57:11,272 --> 00:57:14,316 Women are bigger antagonists than Egyptians and Romans combined. 930 00:57:14,484 --> 00:57:15,650 It stinks. 931 00:57:22,116 --> 00:57:23,784 Why is the last scion here? 932 00:57:23,951 --> 00:57:26,828 Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back. 933 00:57:26,996 --> 00:57:30,082 - Not the plenary-indulgence loophole. - You know about that? 934 00:57:30,249 --> 00:57:32,751 I always knew that thing was a bad idea. 935 00:57:32,919 --> 00:57:35,087 Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. 936 00:57:35,254 --> 00:57:37,672 You have issues with Catholicism, I take it? 937 00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:41,343 I have issues with those who treat God like a burden instead of a blessing... 938 00:57:41,511 --> 00:57:42,761 ...like some Catholics. 939 00:57:42,929 --> 00:57:45,806 You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it. 940 00:57:45,973 --> 00:57:50,102 - lf we're wrong, what religion is right? - It's not about who's right or wrong. 941 00:57:50,269 --> 00:57:52,104 No denomination's nailed it yet... 942 00:57:52,271 --> 00:57:54,815 ...because they're all too self-righteous to realize... 943 00:57:54,982 --> 00:57:59,820 ...that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, Just that you have faith. 944 00:57:59,987 --> 00:58:04,324 Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up. 945 00:58:06,786 --> 00:58:09,287 Look, they made me and Silent Bob part of the gang. 946 00:58:15,254 --> 00:58:17,213 Who fucking farted? 947 00:58:18,715 --> 00:58:21,884 Not born. Shit into existence. 948 00:58:25,389 --> 00:58:28,141 Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad! 949 00:58:28,308 --> 00:58:30,726 - What is that thing? - An excremental. 950 00:58:30,894 --> 00:58:33,062 - The Golgothan. - A what? 951 00:58:33,230 --> 00:58:34,522 A shit demon! 952 00:58:34,690 --> 00:58:38,234 No man of woman born! 953 00:58:39,403 --> 00:58:42,196 - Friend of yours? - Is this smelly fuck with us? 954 00:58:42,364 --> 00:58:43,906 It came for Bethany! 955 00:58:44,074 --> 00:58:46,909 Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thing! 956 00:58:47,077 --> 00:58:49,412 Damn! I knew I was gonna whack somebody today! 957 00:58:49,580 --> 00:58:51,414 Yo, get your fucking hand back. 958 00:58:51,582 --> 00:58:52,748 Represent! 959 00:58:54,209 --> 00:58:56,586 Go! Go! Go! 960 00:59:17,941 --> 00:59:20,276 Looks like we're in charge of the gang now. 961 00:59:21,778 --> 00:59:23,196 Over the bar! Come on! 962 00:59:32,790 --> 00:59:36,126 - Where did that thing come from? - Ever heard of Golgotha? 963 00:59:36,294 --> 00:59:38,170 The hill where Christ was crucified? 964 00:59:38,338 --> 00:59:41,048 It wasn't just Christ. The Romans crucified everyone there. 965 00:59:41,216 --> 00:59:44,635 Christ excluded, they were criminals. Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. 966 00:59:44,802 --> 00:59:47,888 Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies lost muscle control... 967 00:59:48,056 --> 00:59:50,474 ...spilling bowel and bladder in the process... 968 00:59:50,642 --> 00:59:53,393 ...the result of which is that walking pile of crap there. 969 00:59:53,561 --> 00:59:56,563 The Golgothan shit demon, hell's chief assassin. 970 00:59:56,731 --> 00:59:58,440 And it's here for you, girlie. 971 01:00:03,529 --> 01:00:06,114 - Bob, get down! - Matches! Matches! 972 01:00:38,189 --> 01:00:40,691 - You the man. - How? 973 01:00:42,528 --> 01:00:44,153 "Knocks strong odors out." 974 01:00:44,780 --> 01:00:47,782 - Way to go, biggie. - Why would you ever carry this? 975 01:00:49,827 --> 01:00:50,952 What? 976 01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:52,954 Whoever sent this might send more. 977 01:00:53,122 --> 01:00:57,000 I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible. 978 01:00:57,167 --> 01:00:59,627 I'll try to get something out of poopy boy here. 979 01:00:59,795 --> 01:01:02,547 If he tells me something, I'll let you know. 980 01:01:03,716 --> 01:01:06,050 Hello. We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please. 981 01:01:06,218 --> 01:01:08,845 - Jersey's sold out, sir. - What? 982 01:01:09,013 --> 01:01:10,513 There's one same time tomorrow. 983 01:01:10,681 --> 01:01:14,517 Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State... 984 01:01:14,685 --> 01:01:16,894 ...and show up two hours in advance. 985 01:01:19,231 --> 01:01:20,606 Nice. 986 01:01:20,774 --> 01:01:23,609 Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating... 987 01:01:23,777 --> 01:01:27,822 ...what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus. 988 01:01:27,990 --> 01:01:29,574 Bus, schmus. 989 01:01:29,742 --> 01:01:34,245 Why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above? 990 01:01:34,413 --> 01:01:36,748 - You mean fly? - We got wings, right? 991 01:01:36,915 --> 01:01:38,416 Fuck, let's use them! 992 01:01:38,584 --> 01:01:40,960 I wouldn't suggest that. 993 01:01:42,379 --> 01:01:44,130 You see, kids... 994 01:01:44,298 --> 01:01:47,925 ...you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you? 995 01:01:53,349 --> 01:01:55,391 Look at this pimp. How'd you get out of hell? 996 01:01:55,559 --> 01:01:57,686 I said I was coming up on a routine possession. 997 01:01:57,854 --> 01:02:01,065 I don't have much time. They figure out my ruse, they'll come for me. 998 01:02:01,232 --> 01:02:04,818 - What's with bringing us in here? - You're inches from getting caught. 999 01:02:04,986 --> 01:02:08,405 Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings. 1000 01:02:08,573 --> 01:02:10,407 Don't you know what's going on? 1001 01:02:10,575 --> 01:02:12,409 Well, we're going home. 1002 01:02:12,577 --> 01:02:16,955 Really. Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into heaven? 1003 01:02:17,123 --> 01:02:19,583 - Why not? - Everybody is looking for you. 1004 01:02:19,751 --> 01:02:22,586 Both sides. Above and below. 1005 01:02:22,754 --> 01:02:24,963 Orders are to terminate you on sight. 1006 01:02:25,131 --> 01:02:26,423 - Really? - Why? 1007 01:02:26,591 --> 01:02:28,675 Because you're pissing people off, that's why. 1008 01:02:30,095 --> 01:02:32,638 Word is that God's pissed off at your presumption... 1009 01:02:32,806 --> 01:02:35,974 ...and I know Lucifer's pissed because you might make him look bad... 1010 01:02:36,142 --> 01:02:37,976 ...by succeeding where he's failed. 1011 01:02:38,144 --> 01:02:41,146 - So they're just gonna kill us? - They're gonna try. 1012 01:02:41,314 --> 01:02:44,149 That's why you have to travel incognito. 1013 01:02:44,317 --> 01:02:47,277 Tone down your behavior. Stay off their respective radars. 1014 01:02:47,445 --> 01:02:49,321 Quit killing people. That's high-profile. 1015 01:02:49,489 --> 01:02:52,282 - Oh, lighten up. - I can't believe they wanna kill us. 1016 01:02:52,450 --> 01:02:54,326 Oh, believe it, boys. 1017 01:02:55,578 --> 01:02:57,788 They've even got the last scion looking for you. 1018 01:02:57,956 --> 01:02:59,623 - Really? - You're kidding. 1019 01:02:59,791 --> 01:03:02,668 This is huge. Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides. 1020 01:03:02,836 --> 01:03:04,670 They'll stop at nothing to prevent it. 1021 01:03:04,921 --> 01:03:08,006 Meanwhile, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. 1022 01:03:08,174 --> 01:03:10,175 If anything else comes up, I'll contact you. 1023 01:03:10,343 --> 01:03:13,430 Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend. 1024 01:03:13,597 --> 01:03:16,433 I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious. 1025 01:03:16,600 --> 01:03:20,186 And remember, incognito. 1026 01:03:25,151 --> 01:03:27,193 How you coping, kid? 1027 01:03:27,361 --> 01:03:28,987 It's weird. 1028 01:03:29,155 --> 01:03:31,656 Just when I think I have a handle on things... 1029 01:03:31,824 --> 01:03:34,993 ...something wholly unbelievable presents itself. 1030 01:03:35,161 --> 01:03:37,620 Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home. 1031 01:03:37,788 --> 01:03:40,373 You sound like the man. 1032 01:03:40,541 --> 01:03:41,833 What's he like? 1033 01:03:42,001 --> 01:03:44,461 He likes to listen to people talk. 1034 01:03:44,628 --> 01:03:47,964 Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys. 1035 01:03:48,132 --> 01:03:50,550 Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit... 1036 01:03:50,718 --> 01:03:52,677 ...he always had a smile on his face. 1037 01:03:52,845 --> 01:03:54,804 His oly real beef with mankind... 1038 01:03:54,972 --> 01:03:58,141 ...is the shit that gets carried out in his name. 1039 01:03:58,309 --> 01:04:01,603 Wars, bigotry, televangelism. 1040 01:04:01,770 --> 01:04:05,356 The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions. 1041 01:04:05,524 --> 01:04:07,358 He said mankind got it all wrong... 1042 01:04:07,526 --> 01:04:10,904 ...by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it. 1043 01:04:11,071 --> 01:04:13,656 You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing? 1044 01:04:13,824 --> 01:04:15,825 I just think it's better to have ideas. 1045 01:04:15,993 --> 01:04:19,037 You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. 1046 01:04:19,205 --> 01:04:21,581 People die for it. People kill for it. 1047 01:04:21,749 --> 01:04:24,083 The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now... 1048 01:04:24,251 --> 01:04:29,298 ...because of the Catholic beliefs regarding this plenary-indulgence shit. 1049 01:04:29,466 --> 01:04:31,759 Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not... 1050 01:04:31,927 --> 01:04:33,677 ...are exploiting that belief... 1051 01:04:33,845 --> 01:04:35,387 ...and if they're successful... 1052 01:04:35,555 --> 01:04:39,475 ...you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. 1053 01:04:39,643 --> 01:04:41,560 All over a belief. 1054 01:04:43,855 --> 01:04:47,775 I haven't seen the moron twins in a while. How about you? 1055 01:04:47,943 --> 01:04:50,903 One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling... 1056 01:04:51,071 --> 01:04:54,406 ...and he went flying through the air, fucking crashed through the wall. 1057 01:04:54,574 --> 01:04:55,824 It was fucked up. 1058 01:04:55,992 --> 01:04:58,327 You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you? 1059 01:04:58,495 --> 01:05:02,164 No. We're just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers... 1060 01:05:02,332 --> 01:05:05,543 ...who just got on at the last stop. This is Larry and Barry. 1061 01:05:05,710 --> 01:05:06,961 - Hi. - Hey. 1062 01:05:07,128 --> 01:05:09,630 So Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him. 1063 01:05:14,844 --> 01:05:17,179 Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff. 1064 01:05:18,223 --> 01:05:19,890 Oh, fuck. 1065 01:05:23,228 --> 01:05:25,604 That's some bad shit, dude. 1066 01:05:25,772 --> 01:05:27,648 You hit that? 1067 01:05:30,068 --> 01:05:31,986 Yeah, you're bad, dude. 1068 01:05:35,198 --> 01:05:36,615 Bad shit. 1069 01:05:37,659 --> 01:05:40,119 So why are you heading to New Jersey? 1070 01:05:40,287 --> 01:05:43,623 It's just this thing I have to do. 1071 01:05:43,791 --> 01:05:45,166 We're going home. 1072 01:05:45,334 --> 01:05:48,003 Oh. Do you two live together? 1073 01:05:48,170 --> 01:05:49,963 Unfortunately, yes. 1074 01:05:52,675 --> 01:05:55,343 So how long have you two been together? 1075 01:05:56,679 --> 01:05:58,471 A while. 1076 01:05:58,639 --> 01:06:02,267 He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common. 1077 01:06:02,685 --> 01:06:03,935 How'd you meet? 1078 01:06:04,103 --> 01:06:05,604 We were stationed together. 1079 01:06:05,771 --> 01:06:08,023 See, that's beautiful. 1080 01:06:08,190 --> 01:06:11,985 Everybody's always up in arms about this "out in the military" issue. 1081 01:06:13,154 --> 01:06:14,195 Pardon? 1082 01:06:14,363 --> 01:06:18,533 There's all that macho bullshit about it being "this man's army." 1083 01:06:18,701 --> 01:06:20,869 And you two meet there, hook up... 1084 01:06:21,912 --> 01:06:25,040 You think we're lovers? No, no. We're not gay. 1085 01:06:25,207 --> 01:06:27,542 Oh, God. I'm sorry. 1086 01:06:27,710 --> 01:06:30,712 - I just assumed. - Do I come off as gay? 1087 01:06:31,255 --> 01:06:33,465 - No. - All right. 1088 01:06:33,633 --> 01:06:36,718 My ex-husband sort of screwed up my relationship awareness barometer. 1089 01:06:36,886 --> 01:06:39,387 - You're divorced. - That's a nice way of putting it. 1090 01:06:39,555 --> 01:06:41,056 I call it being dumped. 1091 01:06:41,223 --> 01:06:43,099 I was... 1092 01:06:43,267 --> 01:06:44,851 ...dumped once. 1093 01:06:45,019 --> 01:06:47,854 Don't you just constantly question your value? 1094 01:06:48,022 --> 01:06:50,565 Like, why was I so easy to cast aside? 1095 01:06:50,733 --> 01:06:54,235 And you wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses... 1096 01:06:54,403 --> 01:06:55,737 ...and call you back. 1097 01:06:55,905 --> 01:06:59,241 And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time. 1098 01:06:59,409 --> 01:07:01,410 When actually... 1099 01:07:01,578 --> 01:07:03,204 ...it hurts more. 1100 01:07:07,167 --> 01:07:08,834 You know what we need? 1101 01:07:09,002 --> 01:07:10,753 What do we need? 1102 01:07:10,921 --> 01:07:12,338 We need drinks. 1103 01:07:14,508 --> 01:07:15,883 We need a lot of drinks. 1104 01:07:17,552 --> 01:07:19,428 Garçon. 1105 01:07:26,144 --> 01:07:27,853 You're saying you still go to church? 1106 01:07:28,021 --> 01:07:30,106 Every Sunday. 1107 01:07:30,273 --> 01:07:32,566 Does it...? I mean, does it do anything for you? 1108 01:07:32,734 --> 01:07:35,778 It gives me time to balance my checkbook every week. 1109 01:07:35,946 --> 01:07:39,949 That's what I'm saying. People don't go to church to feel spiritual anymore. 1110 01:07:40,117 --> 01:07:42,284 They go to church and feel bored... 1111 01:07:42,452 --> 01:07:45,746 ...but they keep going every week just out of habit. 1112 01:07:45,914 --> 01:07:48,124 I am so buzzed. 1113 01:07:49,793 --> 01:07:52,628 When do you think you lost your faith? 1114 01:07:52,796 --> 01:07:55,005 I remember the exact moment. 1115 01:07:57,634 --> 01:08:01,303 I was on the phone with my mother... 1116 01:08:01,471 --> 01:08:05,433 ...and she was trying to counsel me through this... 1117 01:08:06,560 --> 01:08:08,310 This thing. 1118 01:08:10,105 --> 01:08:14,484 And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better... 1119 01:08:14,652 --> 01:08:16,486 ...she said: 1120 01:08:16,654 --> 01:08:18,447 "Bethany... 1121 01:08:18,614 --> 01:08:20,824 ...God has a plan." 1122 01:08:23,911 --> 01:08:27,622 I was... I was so angry with her. 1123 01:08:29,709 --> 01:08:31,251 I was like: 1124 01:08:31,419 --> 01:08:33,253 "What about my plans?" 1125 01:08:33,421 --> 01:08:35,172 You know? 1126 01:08:35,339 --> 01:08:38,300 I had planned to have a family... 1127 01:08:38,468 --> 01:08:40,010 ...with my husband. 1128 01:08:40,178 --> 01:08:43,096 Wasn't that plan good enough for God? 1129 01:08:47,018 --> 01:08:48,852 Apparently not. 1130 01:08:52,231 --> 01:08:56,234 How about you? When did you lose your faith? 1131 01:08:57,403 --> 01:08:59,571 A long time ago. 1132 01:08:59,739 --> 01:09:03,158 One day God just stopped listening. 1133 01:09:03,326 --> 01:09:04,618 I kept talking... 1134 01:09:04,786 --> 01:09:07,788 ...but I got the distinct impression he wasn't listening anymore. 1135 01:09:07,955 --> 01:09:11,208 How did you know she was listening in the first place? 1136 01:09:14,504 --> 01:09:16,129 Well, I guess I don't. 1137 01:09:16,297 --> 01:09:19,216 I hate thoughts like that. 1138 01:09:19,634 --> 01:09:22,636 But, you know, they come to you with age. 1139 01:09:22,804 --> 01:09:27,808 Because when you're a kid you never question the whole faith thing. 1140 01:09:28,684 --> 01:09:31,395 God's in heaven, and he's... 1141 01:09:31,563 --> 01:09:34,941 She's always got her eye on you. 1142 01:09:39,446 --> 01:09:42,323 I'd give anything to feel that way again. 1143 01:09:47,496 --> 01:09:50,665 Guess that's why I got talked into this pilgrimage. 1144 01:09:58,924 --> 01:10:01,092 Where is this pilgrimage to? 1145 01:10:01,260 --> 01:10:04,345 - You wouldn't believe me if I told you. - Try me. 1146 01:10:04,513 --> 01:10:06,764 All right, but I warned you. 1147 01:10:06,932 --> 01:10:08,516 Okay. 1148 01:10:08,684 --> 01:10:12,186 I'm going to this church in New Jersey. 1149 01:10:12,729 --> 01:10:14,063 Really? 1150 01:10:14,231 --> 01:10:18,568 Kerwood Mandel to car three. Kerwood Mandel to car three. 1151 01:10:18,735 --> 01:10:22,113 See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels... 1152 01:10:22,281 --> 01:10:24,115 ...from going into the church. 1153 01:10:26,076 --> 01:10:27,869 They're trying... 1154 01:10:28,036 --> 01:10:29,453 Shit. 1155 01:10:31,248 --> 01:10:34,000 They're trying to get back into heaven. 1156 01:10:37,045 --> 01:10:39,589 See, they got tossed out of heaven... 1157 01:10:39,756 --> 01:10:41,716 ...years ago, right? 1158 01:10:42,259 --> 01:10:44,385 And if they get back in... 1159 01:10:44,553 --> 01:10:46,305 ...it proves God wrong... 1160 01:10:46,472 --> 01:10:49,558 ...and since God is infallible... 1161 01:10:49,726 --> 01:10:51,393 ...to prove her wrong... 1162 01:10:51,561 --> 01:10:55,230 ...would, you know, unmake existence. 1163 01:10:56,608 --> 01:10:58,650 May I have your attention, please. 1164 01:10:58,818 --> 01:11:02,988 The dining car will be closing in five minutes. Thank you. 1165 01:11:03,156 --> 01:11:05,657 I feel so stupid... 1166 01:11:05,825 --> 01:11:07,743 ...just saying it. 1167 01:11:09,203 --> 01:11:11,496 The thing I don't get is, I mean... 1168 01:11:11,664 --> 01:11:14,249 ...how am I supposed to stop an angel? 1169 01:11:14,417 --> 01:11:15,834 Two, even! 1170 01:11:21,007 --> 01:11:24,259 I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something. 1171 01:11:24,427 --> 01:11:26,470 Maybe you're supposed to kill them. 1172 01:11:26,638 --> 01:11:30,265 Oh, yeah, right. Kill them. 1173 01:11:31,142 --> 01:11:35,354 I mean, even if that were the case, which it's not... 1174 01:11:36,856 --> 01:11:39,858 ...how do you kill an angel, Barry? 1175 01:11:43,196 --> 01:11:47,115 I don't suppose it's much different from killing a human. 1176 01:11:48,618 --> 01:11:51,161 Where the hell is everybody? I wake up and... 1177 01:11:53,206 --> 01:11:55,040 - The apostle. - Holy shit! 1178 01:11:55,208 --> 01:11:58,126 Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry. 1179 01:12:01,548 --> 01:12:03,466 Don't be such a show-off, Barry. 1180 01:12:03,634 --> 01:12:06,302 Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go. 1181 01:12:06,470 --> 01:12:08,638 - We can talk about this. - Bartleby? 1182 01:12:08,806 --> 01:12:12,308 After all this time, it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet? 1183 01:12:12,476 --> 01:12:15,228 Get your fucking hands off me, you dickless son of a bitch! 1184 01:12:15,396 --> 01:12:18,231 Save it, lady. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off. 1185 01:12:18,399 --> 01:12:19,816 Loki! 1186 01:12:20,401 --> 01:12:21,567 Holy shit. The apostle. 1187 01:12:21,735 --> 01:12:23,736 I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear. 1188 01:12:23,904 --> 01:12:25,029 What are you doing here? 1189 01:12:25,197 --> 01:12:27,824 This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church. 1190 01:12:27,992 --> 01:12:30,076 - She means us? - No, two other fucking angels. 1191 01:12:30,244 --> 01:12:33,579 I'd say there's a pretty good chance. Rufus, we're to be liquidated? 1192 01:12:33,747 --> 01:12:36,416 You haven't thought about the consequences of your reentry. 1193 01:12:36,583 --> 01:12:38,209 Consequences, schmonsequences. 1194 01:12:38,377 --> 01:12:41,212 We're going home, okay? No matter whose pride it may hurt. 1195 01:12:41,380 --> 01:12:43,756 - It's not a matter of pride! - Loki, kill the girl. 1196 01:12:43,924 --> 01:12:46,592 Are you high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything. 1197 01:12:46,760 --> 01:12:48,052 Fine. I'll kill her myself. 1198 01:12:48,220 --> 01:12:50,430 What, I fall asleep and everyone takes off? 1199 01:12:50,597 --> 01:12:53,099 - These guys are fucking flat-leavers. - Shut his mouth. 1200 01:13:03,193 --> 01:13:04,777 Oh, shit! 1201 01:13:06,405 --> 01:13:07,613 Jay! 1202 01:13:08,907 --> 01:13:10,033 Biggie! 1203 01:13:10,200 --> 01:13:12,577 The door! The door! 1204 01:13:16,457 --> 01:13:18,625 Can't we talk about this? 1205 01:13:24,215 --> 01:13:27,134 Why don't I just get off at the next stop! 1206 01:14:07,175 --> 01:14:09,176 No ticket. 1207 01:14:11,888 --> 01:14:14,515 - The apostle is here. - I noticed. 1208 01:14:14,682 --> 01:14:16,767 Then you know who the chick was, don't you? 1209 01:14:16,935 --> 01:14:18,143 The scion, I imagine! 1210 01:14:19,020 --> 01:14:21,021 Maybe we should rethink this whole thing. 1211 01:14:21,189 --> 01:14:24,274 I mean, you heard the guy. He said there are consequences. 1212 01:14:24,442 --> 01:14:26,360 And Azrael tells us we're marked? 1213 01:14:26,528 --> 01:14:28,320 There's more to this than we thought of. 1214 01:14:28,488 --> 01:14:30,405 I was close. 1215 01:14:30,573 --> 01:14:33,660 You know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat. 1216 01:14:34,995 --> 01:14:38,164 You know how I felt? Righteous. 1217 01:14:38,332 --> 01:14:39,833 Justified. Eager, even. 1218 01:14:40,209 --> 01:14:41,960 You all right? Your eyes are kind of... 1219 01:14:42,128 --> 01:14:44,170 My eyes are open. 1220 01:14:44,338 --> 01:14:46,172 For the first time I get it. 1221 01:14:46,340 --> 01:14:50,051 When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. 1222 01:14:50,219 --> 01:14:53,888 See, in the beginning it was just us and him, angels and God. 1223 01:14:54,056 --> 01:14:55,723 Then he created humans. 1224 01:14:55,891 --> 01:14:58,810 Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... 1225 01:14:58,978 --> 01:15:02,147 ...and bowing and scraping and adoration. 1226 01:15:02,314 --> 01:15:04,607 He gave them more than he ever gave us. 1227 01:15:04,775 --> 01:15:06,651 He gave them a choice. 1228 01:15:06,819 --> 01:15:10,029 They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore him. 1229 01:15:10,197 --> 01:15:12,031 All this time we've been down here... 1230 01:15:12,199 --> 01:15:14,701 ...l've felt the absence of the divine presence... 1231 01:15:14,869 --> 01:15:18,079 ...and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. 1232 01:15:18,247 --> 01:15:21,875 And why? Because of the way he made us. 1233 01:15:22,042 --> 01:15:25,587 Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain like they do. 1234 01:15:25,754 --> 01:15:27,380 But no, we're servants. 1235 01:15:27,548 --> 01:15:29,465 Okay. 1236 01:15:29,633 --> 01:15:33,052 You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap. 1237 01:15:33,220 --> 01:15:34,220 Wake up! 1238 01:15:34,388 --> 01:15:37,056 Humans have besmirched everything he's bestowed on them. 1239 01:15:37,224 --> 01:15:39,058 They were given paradise, they threw it away. 1240 01:15:39,226 --> 01:15:41,561 They were given this planet, they destroyed it. 1241 01:15:41,729 --> 01:15:44,189 They were favored best among all his endeavors... 1242 01:15:44,356 --> 01:15:47,609 ...and some of them don't even believe he exists! 1243 01:15:47,776 --> 01:15:49,778 And in spite of it all... 1244 01:15:49,946 --> 01:15:53,574 ...he has shown them infinite fucking patience... 1245 01:15:53,742 --> 01:15:55,451 ...at every turn. 1246 01:15:55,619 --> 01:15:57,119 What about us? 1247 01:15:58,288 --> 01:16:01,123 I asked you once... 1248 01:16:01,291 --> 01:16:04,126 ...to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. 1249 01:16:04,669 --> 01:16:06,045 What was the result? 1250 01:16:06,213 --> 01:16:08,380 Our expulsion from paradise. 1251 01:16:08,548 --> 01:16:11,050 Where was his infinite fucking patience then? 1252 01:16:11,218 --> 01:16:13,969 It's not right! It's not fair! 1253 01:16:14,137 --> 01:16:16,013 We've paid our debt! 1254 01:16:17,474 --> 01:16:20,184 Don't you think it's time? 1255 01:16:20,352 --> 01:16:23,187 Don't you think it's time we went home? 1256 01:16:24,898 --> 01:16:29,818 And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers. 1257 01:16:29,986 --> 01:16:32,571 Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them? 1258 01:16:33,782 --> 01:16:36,408 You're talking about the last scion, for chrissake. 1259 01:16:36,576 --> 01:16:39,411 And what about Jay and Bob? Those guys were all right. 1260 01:16:39,579 --> 01:16:41,038 Don't. Don't, my friend. 1261 01:16:41,206 --> 01:16:44,750 See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. 1262 01:16:44,918 --> 01:16:46,335 They did me once. 1263 01:16:46,503 --> 01:16:48,295 Scion or not... 1264 01:16:48,463 --> 01:16:49,797 ...she's just a human... 1265 01:16:49,965 --> 01:16:53,008 ...and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven. 1266 01:16:53,176 --> 01:16:55,177 No harm, no foul. 1267 01:16:56,346 --> 01:16:59,181 My God. I've heard a rant like this before. 1268 01:17:00,809 --> 01:17:02,101 What did you say? 1269 01:17:02,269 --> 01:17:05,272 - I've heard a rant like this before. - Don't you do that to me. 1270 01:17:05,439 --> 01:17:08,358 - You sound like the morning star. - You shut your fucking mouth! 1271 01:17:08,526 --> 01:17:11,528 You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! 1272 01:17:11,696 --> 01:17:14,197 You're not talking about going home, Bartleby. 1273 01:17:14,365 --> 01:17:16,866 You're talking about fucking war on God. 1274 01:17:18,327 --> 01:17:19,869 Well, fuck that. 1275 01:17:20,037 --> 01:17:24,291 I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. 1276 01:17:25,835 --> 01:17:27,377 I'm going back to Wisconsin. 1277 01:17:28,879 --> 01:17:30,672 We're going home, Loki... 1278 01:17:30,840 --> 01:17:34,801 ...and no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself... 1279 01:17:34,969 --> 01:17:36,803 ...is gonna make that otherwise. 1280 01:17:43,394 --> 01:17:44,811 Shit. 1281 01:17:46,022 --> 01:17:49,566 Why couldn't we stay on the train? You threw those guys off. 1282 01:17:49,734 --> 01:17:51,401 Very basic strategy. 1283 01:17:51,569 --> 01:17:54,904 If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there. 1284 01:17:55,072 --> 01:17:56,072 Why are we enemies? 1285 01:17:56,240 --> 01:17:59,534 Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy. 1286 01:17:59,702 --> 01:18:02,996 What does that mean? Since when am I supposed to kill anybody? 1287 01:18:03,164 --> 01:18:06,750 I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit. 1288 01:18:06,917 --> 01:18:09,419 I'm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus... 1289 01:18:09,587 --> 01:18:12,714 ...and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence... 1290 01:18:12,882 --> 01:18:15,175 ...unless you come clean right now. 1291 01:18:15,343 --> 01:18:17,344 Why me? 1292 01:18:17,511 --> 01:18:20,931 Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped? 1293 01:18:21,099 --> 01:18:24,310 Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy. 1294 01:18:25,228 --> 01:18:29,190 You're told you're God's only son, but more than that, you're God. 1295 01:18:29,358 --> 01:18:32,860 How long would it take to come to grips with something that huge? 1296 01:18:33,028 --> 01:18:35,613 Maybe, say, 18 years? 1297 01:18:35,781 --> 01:18:40,785 In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30. 1298 01:18:40,952 --> 01:18:43,079 Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling. 1299 01:18:43,246 --> 01:18:46,082 Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 18 years? 1300 01:18:46,249 --> 01:18:47,458 I'll tell you where. 1301 01:18:47,626 --> 01:18:52,296 They were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics. 1302 01:18:52,464 --> 01:18:55,383 You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy... 1303 01:18:55,550 --> 01:18:58,219 ...to cover up "the truth about Christ." 1304 01:19:00,639 --> 01:19:01,972 Oh, bullshit. 1305 01:19:02,140 --> 01:19:04,058 Any important material about Christ... 1306 01:19:04,226 --> 01:19:06,727 ...would give people a better understanding of God. 1307 01:19:06,895 --> 01:19:10,815 - Why would they leave any of it out? - Because it's tied in with his family. 1308 01:19:10,982 --> 01:19:13,943 - His mother and father. - His brothers and sisters. 1309 01:19:14,111 --> 01:19:18,280 Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin. 1310 01:19:18,448 --> 01:19:22,701 Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch. This is true. 1311 01:19:22,869 --> 01:19:24,703 But she did have a husband. 1312 01:19:24,871 --> 01:19:28,499 Do you really think he would've stayed married to her for all those years... 1313 01:19:28,667 --> 01:19:30,167 ...if he wasn't getting laid? 1314 01:19:30,335 --> 01:19:33,671 The nature of God and the virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. 1315 01:19:33,839 --> 01:19:38,009 But to believe a married couple never got down, that's just plain gullibility. 1316 01:19:38,177 --> 01:19:39,177 Meaning? 1317 01:19:39,345 --> 01:19:41,179 The blood that flows through your veins... 1318 01:19:41,347 --> 01:19:43,974 ...shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level... 1319 01:19:44,142 --> 01:19:45,809 ...with the one you call Jesus. 1320 01:19:46,936 --> 01:19:48,770 Bethany, you are... 1321 01:19:48,938 --> 01:19:52,232 ...the great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great... 1322 01:19:52,400 --> 01:19:55,861 ...great-great-grandniece of Jesus Christ. 1323 01:19:59,824 --> 01:20:03,785 So that would make Bethany part black? 1324 01:20:08,541 --> 01:20:10,500 I can't do this anymore. 1325 01:20:14,213 --> 01:20:18,884 Bethany, where you gonna go? You know what I'm saying is right. 1326 01:20:19,051 --> 01:20:20,719 - It's bullshit. - Bethany. 1327 01:20:20,887 --> 01:20:22,679 It's bullshit! 1328 01:20:26,476 --> 01:20:28,435 Let her go, man. 1329 01:20:28,603 --> 01:20:30,020 Give her time. 1330 01:20:37,403 --> 01:20:39,362 Why?! 1331 01:20:39,530 --> 01:20:42,365 What the fuck do you want from me? 1332 01:20:42,533 --> 01:20:44,826 I fucking hate you! 1333 01:20:45,828 --> 01:20:47,412 I hate you. 1334 01:20:47,580 --> 01:20:49,748 He can't hear you, you know. 1335 01:20:55,589 --> 01:20:57,590 That's why we needed you. 1336 01:20:57,758 --> 01:20:59,926 Why didn't you tell me? 1337 01:21:00,093 --> 01:21:01,719 Would you...? 1338 01:21:02,304 --> 01:21:04,555 Could you have believed me? 1339 01:21:05,390 --> 01:21:07,850 It was something you had to come to gradually. 1340 01:21:08,810 --> 01:21:11,562 Only after everything you've seen... 1341 01:21:12,105 --> 01:21:13,356 ...everything you've heard... 1342 01:21:15,359 --> 01:21:18,402 ...could you possibly be able to accept the truth. 1343 01:21:18,946 --> 01:21:21,072 I don't want this. 1344 01:21:23,784 --> 01:21:25,785 It's too big. 1345 01:21:25,953 --> 01:21:27,537 That's what Jesus said. 1346 01:21:29,790 --> 01:21:31,707 I had to tell him. 1347 01:21:34,920 --> 01:21:37,964 You can imagine how that hurt the Father... 1348 01:21:39,007 --> 01:21:41,300 ...not to be able to tell the son himself... 1349 01:21:41,468 --> 01:21:44,470 ...because one word from his lips would destroy the boy's human form. 1350 01:21:44,638 --> 01:21:47,640 So I had to deliver the news to a scared child... 1351 01:21:47,808 --> 01:21:50,434 ...who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. 1352 01:21:50,602 --> 01:21:54,313 I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son... 1353 01:21:54,481 --> 01:21:57,316 ...and it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion... 1354 01:21:57,484 --> 01:22:00,611 ...at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. 1355 01:22:02,864 --> 01:22:05,032 He begged me to take it all back. 1356 01:22:06,452 --> 01:22:07,995 As if I could. 1357 01:22:09,747 --> 01:22:12,499 He begged me to "make it all not true." 1358 01:22:12,667 --> 01:22:17,004 I'll let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone. 1359 01:22:18,923 --> 01:22:21,008 If I had the power... 1360 01:22:21,884 --> 01:22:23,260 ...I would have. 1361 01:22:24,053 --> 01:22:25,178 It's unfair. 1362 01:22:25,680 --> 01:22:28,932 It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility... 1363 01:22:29,100 --> 01:22:31,310 ...and to ask you to do the same now. 1364 01:22:31,477 --> 01:22:35,230 I sympathize. I do. I wish I could take it all back. 1365 01:22:38,151 --> 01:22:39,735 But I can't. 1366 01:22:42,614 --> 01:22:44,031 This... 1367 01:22:45,283 --> 01:22:47,367 ...is who you are. 1368 01:22:49,287 --> 01:22:51,830 Everything I am has been a lie? 1369 01:22:53,333 --> 01:22:55,208 No, no, no. 1370 01:22:55,918 --> 01:23:00,464 Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. 1371 01:23:00,632 --> 01:23:03,342 You are Bethany Sloane. 1372 01:23:03,509 --> 01:23:06,928 No one can take that away from you, not even God. 1373 01:23:08,264 --> 01:23:12,934 All this means is a redefinition of that identity. 1374 01:23:13,102 --> 01:23:16,647 The incorporation of this new data into who you are. 1375 01:23:16,814 --> 01:23:18,899 Be who you've always been. 1376 01:23:19,984 --> 01:23:21,151 Just... 1377 01:23:22,154 --> 01:23:24,197 ...be this as well... 1378 01:23:25,532 --> 01:23:27,992 ...from time to time. 1379 01:23:31,955 --> 01:23:34,499 Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes. 1380 01:23:34,667 --> 01:23:36,834 To say the least. 1381 01:23:45,052 --> 01:23:47,553 Do you mind if we adjourn to somewhere... 1382 01:23:47,721 --> 01:23:50,264 ...a tad more habitable... 1383 01:23:50,432 --> 01:23:52,392 ...and a bit warmer? 1384 01:24:06,824 --> 01:24:09,450 Fuck, man, I think this shit Just kicked in. 1385 01:24:09,618 --> 01:24:12,412 Weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now? 1386 01:24:12,579 --> 01:24:14,455 Going out in style. 1387 01:24:14,623 --> 01:24:17,125 - The voice. - The apostle. 1388 01:24:17,292 --> 01:24:19,043 Now, who's this motherfucker? 1389 01:24:19,211 --> 01:24:21,295 It's the voice of God. Show some respect. 1390 01:24:21,463 --> 01:24:23,798 Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of him? 1391 01:24:23,966 --> 01:24:26,134 Funny you should mention that. We're not sure. 1392 01:24:26,301 --> 01:24:28,970 - What? - Come on. Didn't it ever occur to you... 1393 01:24:29,138 --> 01:24:33,099 ...that this Bartleby-Loki situation was well within the sphere of his control? 1394 01:24:33,267 --> 01:24:34,934 Yes, but then why was she tapped? 1395 01:24:35,102 --> 01:24:38,981 You know those constitutionals that he likes to take? 1396 01:24:39,149 --> 01:24:40,315 "Constitutionals"? 1397 01:24:40,483 --> 01:24:42,901 I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. 1398 01:24:43,069 --> 01:24:44,903 God's a skeeball fanatic. 1399 01:24:46,281 --> 01:24:49,241 The Lord has a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. 1400 01:24:49,409 --> 01:24:51,994 He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. 1401 01:24:52,162 --> 01:24:55,080 Doesn't say where he's playing, just goes away for a couple hours. 1402 01:24:55,248 --> 01:24:58,667 And he always gives his free points away to neighborhood children. 1403 01:24:58,835 --> 01:25:00,169 Isn't that sweet? 1404 01:25:00,336 --> 01:25:03,839 But she hasn't come back from one of these day trips, is that it? 1405 01:25:04,007 --> 01:25:06,300 No, she hasn't... 1406 01:25:06,468 --> 01:25:09,178 ...and we've been unable to locate her. 1407 01:25:09,345 --> 01:25:12,598 He could've been killed. Human form does have that drawback. 1408 01:25:12,766 --> 01:25:17,019 No, there's a different sort of foul play afoot, children. 1409 01:25:17,729 --> 01:25:21,190 Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path... 1410 01:25:21,357 --> 01:25:23,692 ...and is keeping them quite well hidden... 1411 01:25:23,860 --> 01:25:26,737 ...is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. 1412 01:25:26,905 --> 01:25:29,072 Were he to be killed in human form... 1413 01:25:29,240 --> 01:25:31,825 ...he'd have returned immediately to heaven. 1414 01:25:31,993 --> 01:25:33,869 Someone knew enough... 1415 01:25:34,037 --> 01:25:36,079 ...to keep him biologically alive... 1416 01:25:36,247 --> 01:25:39,124 ...but incapacitate him in another fashion. 1417 01:25:39,292 --> 01:25:41,960 And as omnipotent as we are above... 1418 01:25:42,128 --> 01:25:45,506 ...I have to admit that we're more or less lost without his presence. 1419 01:25:45,673 --> 01:25:47,508 We've looked everywhere for him. 1420 01:25:47,675 --> 01:25:52,429 I tapped her because I thought we'd be able to smoke out whoever's behind it. 1421 01:25:52,598 --> 01:25:55,809 But whoever he is was clever enough to send some lackeys after you... 1422 01:25:55,976 --> 01:25:57,977 ...as opposed to showing up themselves. 1423 01:25:58,145 --> 01:25:59,813 Could it be Lucifer? 1424 01:25:59,980 --> 01:26:01,272 Not Lucifer. 1425 01:26:01,440 --> 01:26:04,901 If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven. 1426 01:26:05,069 --> 01:26:07,904 And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki... 1427 01:26:08,072 --> 01:26:11,199 ...because he has just as much to lose by their return as anybody else. 1428 01:26:11,367 --> 01:26:12,742 So, what do we do now? 1429 01:26:12,910 --> 01:26:15,662 Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas. 1430 01:26:15,830 --> 01:26:18,706 Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church? 1431 01:26:19,375 --> 01:26:20,583 I beg your pardon? 1432 01:26:20,751 --> 01:26:22,669 It's the guy in charge of the church thing. 1433 01:26:25,548 --> 01:26:27,340 Cardinal Glick? 1434 01:26:27,508 --> 01:26:29,592 Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church. 1435 01:26:29,760 --> 01:26:33,012 If it's closed that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right? 1436 01:26:33,180 --> 01:26:34,389 Good Lord. 1437 01:26:34,557 --> 01:26:36,516 The little stoner's got a point. 1438 01:26:36,684 --> 01:26:41,187 Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into canceling the rededication ceremony. 1439 01:26:41,355 --> 01:26:43,273 "We"? 1440 01:26:43,440 --> 01:26:46,442 Are you saying you're back in, Ms. I Can't Do This Anymore? 1441 01:26:51,574 --> 01:26:54,117 I wouldn't want to let the family down, now, would I? 1442 01:26:57,288 --> 01:26:59,080 Well... 1443 01:26:59,248 --> 01:27:02,959 ...the prophets finally live up to their titles. 1444 01:27:03,502 --> 01:27:06,212 Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country... 1445 01:27:06,380 --> 01:27:10,801 ...but if we can let them know the Catholic Church has a little panache... 1446 01:27:10,969 --> 01:27:13,929 ...we can win them back, even get some new ones. 1447 01:27:14,264 --> 01:27:15,598 Excuse me. 1448 01:27:17,726 --> 01:27:19,268 Fill them pews, people. 1449 01:27:19,436 --> 01:27:22,271 That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. 1450 01:27:22,439 --> 01:27:24,815 Hook them while they're young. 1451 01:27:24,983 --> 01:27:29,069 - Kind of like the tobacco industry. - Christ, if only we had their numbers. 1452 01:27:29,237 --> 01:27:32,281 We really appreciate you seeing us so late in the day, Your Eminence. 1453 01:27:32,449 --> 01:27:35,951 My friends and I have been traveling all night in hope of talking to you... 1454 01:27:36,119 --> 01:27:38,495 ...about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony. 1455 01:27:38,663 --> 01:27:41,081 So you looking to help out in some way, I take it? 1456 01:27:41,249 --> 01:27:43,959 We'd like you to cancel the ceremony. 1457 01:27:45,086 --> 01:27:46,670 I beg your pardon. 1458 01:27:46,838 --> 01:27:50,758 There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward. 1459 01:27:51,885 --> 01:27:54,678 Are you pro-choice? 1460 01:27:54,846 --> 01:27:56,347 No, no. The trouble's not from us. 1461 01:27:56,514 --> 01:27:59,767 It's from renegade angels that have been stuck on Earth since the plagues. 1462 01:28:02,562 --> 01:28:05,022 These guys, they think they're renegade angels. 1463 01:28:05,190 --> 01:28:07,316 See, padre, it goes down like this. 1464 01:28:07,484 --> 01:28:10,110 These guys think that by passing through that archway... 1465 01:28:10,278 --> 01:28:12,112 ...they can go straight to heaven. 1466 01:28:12,280 --> 01:28:15,824 You want me to call off the ceremony for that. 1467 01:28:16,952 --> 01:28:18,035 Who sent you? 1468 01:28:20,205 --> 01:28:23,165 We were sent by him who is called I Am! 1469 01:28:23,333 --> 01:28:25,835 Cute. Really cute. 1470 01:28:26,003 --> 01:28:28,296 Kids, playtime with the cardinal is over. 1471 01:28:28,464 --> 01:28:31,007 - Worked for Moses. - Stay out of this. 1472 01:28:31,175 --> 01:28:32,717 Your Eminence, it's not a joke. 1473 01:28:32,885 --> 01:28:35,887 I'm telling you, man, this ceremony's a big mistake. 1474 01:28:36,055 --> 01:28:38,890 The Catholic Church does not make mistakes. 1475 01:28:39,058 --> 01:28:41,935 Please! What about the Church's silent consent of the slave trade? 1476 01:28:42,103 --> 01:28:44,562 And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust? 1477 01:28:44,730 --> 01:28:47,065 All right, mistakes were made. 1478 01:28:47,233 --> 01:28:50,360 But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church... 1479 01:28:50,528 --> 01:28:52,320 ...responsible for the oversights of old. 1480 01:28:52,488 --> 01:28:56,157 I'm an important man with important matters that demand my attention... 1481 01:28:56,325 --> 01:28:57,742 ...so if you please... 1482 01:28:57,910 --> 01:29:00,578 - But tomorrow... - Tomorrow goes off without a hitch. 1483 01:29:00,746 --> 01:29:01,997 Do I make myself clear? 1484 01:29:02,164 --> 01:29:06,751 Neither you nor any other influence short of the hand of God himself... 1485 01:29:06,919 --> 01:29:09,754 ...is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch. 1486 01:29:30,776 --> 01:29:32,777 I can see the headlines now... 1487 01:29:33,195 --> 01:29:34,779 ...if there were gonna be any. 1488 01:29:34,947 --> 01:29:36,448 "Existence Erased." 1489 01:29:36,615 --> 01:29:38,783 Don't worry about it. We evened the score. 1490 01:29:38,951 --> 01:29:41,203 Hand it over, Silent Bob. 1491 01:29:43,790 --> 01:29:44,874 What up? 1492 01:29:45,042 --> 01:29:47,209 You stole the cardinaI's driver? 1493 01:29:47,377 --> 01:29:51,297 That's what he gets for messing with our girlfriend. Cross-dressing fuck. 1494 01:29:51,465 --> 01:29:54,175 That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys. 1495 01:29:55,635 --> 01:29:58,471 What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki? 1496 01:29:58,638 --> 01:30:01,766 I guess we're gonna have to try and kill them. 1497 01:30:01,933 --> 01:30:03,976 - You said they couldn't be killed. - Correction. 1498 01:30:05,645 --> 01:30:08,314 They won't be killed. 1499 01:30:08,482 --> 01:30:11,442 And just to ensure that, we're all gonna sit tight... 1500 01:30:11,610 --> 01:30:15,863 ...right here, until those two idiots pass through that arch. 1501 01:30:16,031 --> 01:30:19,658 Hey. There's only one idiot here, Azrael... 1502 01:30:22,454 --> 01:30:24,538 ...and I'm looking right at him. 1503 01:30:24,706 --> 01:30:26,165 Muse! 1504 01:30:27,542 --> 01:30:30,628 Just in time to join us for a drink. 1505 01:30:30,796 --> 01:30:33,172 Hey. Where'd you come from? 1506 01:30:35,133 --> 01:30:36,967 - Where'd you come from? - Me? 1507 01:30:37,135 --> 01:30:38,552 Nothingness. 1508 01:30:38,720 --> 01:30:42,348 And that's where I'm returning to in approximately, oh, one hour. 1509 01:30:42,516 --> 01:30:46,018 All right, Plato, sounds like you've had enough already. 1510 01:30:46,186 --> 01:30:48,562 - Let's go. - Oh, darn it! 1511 01:30:48,730 --> 01:30:52,316 Come on, barkeep, just one drink. One for the road, then I'm gone? 1512 01:30:52,484 --> 01:30:55,737 I was trying to find you to tell you I figured out who was behind all this. 1513 01:30:55,905 --> 01:30:57,322 Is that who I think it is? 1514 01:30:57,490 --> 01:30:58,698 - None other than. - Who is he? 1515 01:30:58,866 --> 01:31:01,535 All right, one drink. Then you're gone. 1516 01:31:01,702 --> 01:31:03,787 Give me a... 1517 01:31:03,955 --> 01:31:06,331 ...Holy Bartender. 1518 01:31:06,499 --> 01:31:08,291 Never heard of it. 1519 01:31:08,459 --> 01:31:12,212 He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. 1520 01:31:12,380 --> 01:31:14,214 You do, don't you, Muse? 1521 01:31:14,382 --> 01:31:15,382 Don't. 1522 01:31:16,551 --> 01:31:19,219 Anybody? No? 1523 01:31:19,637 --> 01:31:22,806 Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender. 1524 01:31:31,440 --> 01:31:32,482 Get it? 1525 01:31:32,650 --> 01:31:34,818 Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why? 1526 01:31:34,986 --> 01:31:38,405 Come on, demon! Try that shit on somebody who's already dead! 1527 01:31:38,573 --> 01:31:41,908 Oh, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude... 1528 01:31:42,076 --> 01:31:45,036 ...and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. 1529 01:31:45,204 --> 01:31:47,247 The Christ bitch will join you. 1530 01:31:48,040 --> 01:31:50,500 Are you really that stupid? 1531 01:31:50,668 --> 01:31:54,087 You do know what's gonna happen if those two jerks enter that church. 1532 01:31:54,255 --> 01:31:56,548 I'm actually counting on it. 1533 01:31:57,842 --> 01:31:59,926 And if my calculations are correct... 1534 01:32:00,094 --> 01:32:02,762 ...the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak. 1535 01:32:07,768 --> 01:32:11,272 "Holy Bartender." I get it. That's a great one! 1536 01:32:11,440 --> 01:32:15,568 I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton... 1537 01:32:15,736 --> 01:32:17,278 ...for coming here this morning. 1538 01:32:17,446 --> 01:32:20,448 True, she's a Protestant, but we're not gonna hold that against her. 1539 01:32:22,492 --> 01:32:26,787 Now, let me just tell you a little bit of history about this particular... 1540 01:32:26,955 --> 01:32:29,540 ...hundred-years-young house of God. 1541 01:32:29,708 --> 01:32:30,917 God's house? 1542 01:32:32,377 --> 01:32:35,004 God doesn't live here anymore. 1543 01:32:35,172 --> 01:32:37,882 He's grown weary of your superficial faith. 1544 01:32:38,050 --> 01:32:40,885 He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. 1545 01:32:41,053 --> 01:32:43,304 - He has abandoned you... - Sorry. 1546 01:32:43,472 --> 01:32:46,307 ...his favorites, to the whim ofjudgment. 1547 01:32:46,475 --> 01:32:48,893 Hypocrites, charlatans... 1548 01:32:50,646 --> 01:32:53,147 ...prepare to taste God's wrath. 1549 01:32:53,315 --> 01:32:54,523 Maybe we should just leave. 1550 01:32:54,691 --> 01:32:56,359 You wanted your body count. You got it. 1551 01:32:56,526 --> 01:32:58,903 This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all. 1552 01:32:59,071 --> 01:33:00,238 Officer McGhee. 1553 01:33:01,114 --> 01:33:02,823 All right, mouthpiece... 1554 01:33:02,991 --> 01:33:05,660 ...let's leave the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride. 1555 01:33:05,827 --> 01:33:08,162 Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry. 1556 01:33:08,330 --> 01:33:10,164 You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 1557 01:33:10,332 --> 01:33:12,083 Is that so? 1558 01:33:16,463 --> 01:33:18,130 Ladies and gentlemen... 1559 01:33:18,298 --> 01:33:23,678 ...you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty God... 1560 01:33:23,845 --> 01:33:26,181 ...and this very day... 1561 01:33:26,349 --> 01:33:30,018 ...I assure you, you will all pay for your trespasses... 1562 01:33:30,186 --> 01:33:31,853 ...in blood. 1563 01:33:32,021 --> 01:33:34,189 - Wings. Now. - I'm feeling a little exposed here. 1564 01:33:34,357 --> 01:33:35,357 Do it! 1565 01:33:36,651 --> 01:33:39,278 - So he's a muse too? - Former muse. 1566 01:33:41,030 --> 01:33:44,366 He was kicked out. 1567 01:33:44,534 --> 01:33:46,868 Ever the fucking apple polisher. 1568 01:33:47,036 --> 01:33:48,036 Then what happened? 1569 01:33:48,204 --> 01:33:50,289 Yes, what? 1570 01:33:50,456 --> 01:33:54,334 Well, Lucifer just had to start his little war for the throne. 1571 01:33:54,502 --> 01:33:56,962 Heaven became divided into two factions... 1572 01:33:57,130 --> 01:33:59,214 ...the faithful and the renegades. 1573 01:33:59,382 --> 01:34:02,134 Oh, the ethereal plains were chaotic with battle. 1574 01:34:02,302 --> 01:34:05,012 Angel against angel. 1575 01:34:05,179 --> 01:34:08,515 And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition. 1576 01:34:08,683 --> 01:34:10,475 But Azrael refused to fight. 1577 01:34:10,643 --> 01:34:14,062 He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious. 1578 01:34:14,230 --> 01:34:16,231 What are you, some kind of fucking chicken? 1579 01:34:16,399 --> 01:34:17,733 No. 1580 01:34:17,900 --> 01:34:21,737 I was an artist, stupid! 1581 01:34:21,904 --> 01:34:23,447 I was inspiration! 1582 01:34:23,614 --> 01:34:26,033 A muse has no place in battle. 1583 01:34:26,200 --> 01:34:28,660 So after the fallen were banished to hell... 1584 01:34:28,828 --> 01:34:30,829 ...God turned on those that wouldn't fight... 1585 01:34:30,997 --> 01:34:33,248 ...and Azrael was sent down with the demons... 1586 01:34:33,416 --> 01:34:36,126 ...something he considers a great injustice. 1587 01:34:36,294 --> 01:34:38,378 Oh, come on. 1588 01:34:38,546 --> 01:34:41,506 Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity. 1589 01:34:41,675 --> 01:34:44,344 No. It never bothered me. 1590 01:34:44,511 --> 01:34:46,429 So you were an artist. 1591 01:34:46,597 --> 01:34:48,264 Big deal! 1592 01:34:48,432 --> 01:34:50,433 Elvis was an artist... 1593 01:34:50,601 --> 01:34:53,853 ...but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. 1594 01:34:54,021 --> 01:34:55,855 That's why he is the king... 1595 01:34:56,023 --> 01:34:57,857 ...and you're a schmuck. 1596 01:34:58,025 --> 01:34:59,108 Nice. 1597 01:34:59,276 --> 01:35:01,069 So all this is about revenge. 1598 01:35:01,236 --> 01:35:04,113 You're gonna unmake existence because of a grudge against God? 1599 01:35:04,281 --> 01:35:07,950 After the first million years? No. 1600 01:35:08,118 --> 01:35:11,871 Escape from hell became my all-consuming reason. 1601 01:35:12,039 --> 01:35:16,459 So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself... 1602 01:35:16,627 --> 01:35:18,044 ...which it finally did... 1603 01:35:18,212 --> 01:35:20,088 ...in Catholicism. 1604 01:35:20,255 --> 01:35:21,422 Plenary indulgence. 1605 01:35:21,590 --> 01:35:23,383 But I couldn't exercise it. 1606 01:35:23,550 --> 01:35:25,927 Demons can't become human. 1607 01:35:26,095 --> 01:35:28,137 No, we can't transubstantiate. 1608 01:35:29,723 --> 01:35:31,099 But angels can. 1609 01:35:32,434 --> 01:35:33,643 Bartleby and Loki. 1610 01:35:35,479 --> 01:35:38,398 After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church... 1611 01:35:38,565 --> 01:35:40,274 ...to celebrate their centennial... 1612 01:35:40,442 --> 01:35:45,988 ...and when it finally happened I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. 1613 01:35:46,156 --> 01:35:47,990 An incantation I picked up in the pit... 1614 01:35:48,158 --> 01:35:50,159 ...kept them cloaked and off heaven's radars. 1615 01:35:50,327 --> 01:35:53,413 And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan... 1616 01:35:53,580 --> 01:35:57,292 ...no soul in hell had a clue as to what was going on. 1617 01:35:57,460 --> 01:36:00,337 But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal... 1618 01:36:00,505 --> 01:36:03,924 ...so I dispatched him in a fairly ingenious fashion. 1619 01:36:04,092 --> 01:36:06,427 Her. And how? 1620 01:36:06,594 --> 01:36:09,096 That's the only thing I couldn't figure out. 1621 01:36:09,264 --> 01:36:12,099 Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know... 1622 01:36:12,267 --> 01:36:15,102 ...that you never reveal all the details of your plan... 1623 01:36:15,270 --> 01:36:18,605 ...no matter how close you may think you are to winning. 1624 01:36:18,773 --> 01:36:21,859 The only X factor was the involvement of the last scion here. 1625 01:36:22,694 --> 01:36:27,322 But fat lot of good that did, right? I mean, here you all are. 1626 01:36:30,160 --> 01:36:33,287 Powerless to stop the inevitable. 1627 01:36:33,455 --> 01:36:37,458 Look, asshole, I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you... 1628 01:36:37,625 --> 01:36:41,462 ...but if you succeed everything gets blinked out of existence, even you. 1629 01:36:41,629 --> 01:36:44,506 Human, have you ever been to hell? 1630 01:36:44,674 --> 01:36:46,717 I think not. 1631 01:36:46,885 --> 01:36:49,052 I'd rather not exist than go back to that. 1632 01:36:49,220 --> 01:36:53,515 And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it. 1633 01:36:53,683 --> 01:36:56,059 Still thinking only about yourself... 1634 01:36:56,227 --> 01:36:58,061 ...you fucking child! 1635 01:36:58,229 --> 01:37:00,314 Now, now, now. 1636 01:37:01,191 --> 01:37:04,193 Things are getting too intense in here. 1637 01:37:04,360 --> 01:37:06,820 Hey! What say we watch a little TV? 1638 01:37:06,988 --> 01:37:08,906 Yo, put on Channel 9. Davey and Goliath. 1639 01:37:10,366 --> 01:37:14,662 Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events. 1640 01:37:14,830 --> 01:37:17,165 Keep rolling! Keep rolling! 1641 01:37:17,333 --> 01:37:20,084 I repeat, men with huge fucking wings... 1642 01:37:20,252 --> 01:37:22,295 ...have laid waste to St. Michael's! 1643 01:37:22,463 --> 01:37:24,797 Bullets don't seem to affect them! 1644 01:37:25,591 --> 01:37:28,468 The remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees... 1645 01:37:28,636 --> 01:37:30,929 ...identifying this as the fabled apocalypse. 1646 01:37:31,096 --> 01:37:33,890 Now, I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree. 1647 01:37:34,058 --> 01:37:38,186 God, please, don't come any closer! Don't come any closer! God, no! 1648 01:37:38,437 --> 01:37:40,021 No! 1649 01:37:46,278 --> 01:37:49,447 You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. 1650 01:37:49,615 --> 01:37:53,117 I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes it's not gonna matter anyway. 1651 01:37:59,875 --> 01:38:02,210 Oh, now what was that all about? 1652 01:38:02,378 --> 01:38:03,878 What? 1653 01:38:04,046 --> 01:38:06,464 Oh, nothing. 1654 01:38:06,632 --> 01:38:08,716 I had something in my eye. 1655 01:38:08,884 --> 01:38:11,553 Now who's the fucking child? 1656 01:38:12,763 --> 01:38:15,932 What did you tell him, to hit me with the golf club? 1657 01:38:16,642 --> 01:38:18,351 Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon. 1658 01:38:18,519 --> 01:38:20,270 You'd have him assault me with a putter? 1659 01:38:21,397 --> 01:38:23,398 You want to play? Then we'll play. 1660 01:38:23,566 --> 01:38:25,275 One side, Red. 1661 01:38:26,026 --> 01:38:28,946 Go ahead, then. Pick it up. Call it a gift. 1662 01:38:30,448 --> 01:38:32,366 Come on. 1663 01:38:32,534 --> 01:38:33,951 That's it. 1664 01:38:35,745 --> 01:38:36,996 Take a shot. 1665 01:38:37,163 --> 01:38:40,666 Take your best fucking shot. 1666 01:38:42,210 --> 01:38:45,170 Seriously. I'm not kidding. Take it. Come on. 1667 01:38:45,797 --> 01:38:48,048 Come on, bright boy. 1668 01:38:55,890 --> 01:38:58,309 Don't you know anything? 1669 01:39:13,825 --> 01:39:15,701 Bethany, bless the sink! 1670 01:39:15,869 --> 01:39:17,661 - What? - Just do it! 1671 01:39:17,829 --> 01:39:19,705 Bless the sink, damn it! 1672 01:39:44,065 --> 01:39:46,191 That's what you get, motherfucker. 1673 01:39:48,819 --> 01:39:50,904 But I'm a fucking demon. 1674 01:39:58,245 --> 01:39:59,496 What just happened? 1675 01:39:59,664 --> 01:40:02,207 He said it himself: "I'm a fucking demon." 1676 01:40:02,375 --> 01:40:06,670 Hit a demon with an instrument of God, the pure side will do the most damage. 1677 01:40:06,837 --> 01:40:08,755 Holy shit! Silent Bob's an instrument of God? 1678 01:40:08,923 --> 01:40:12,759 No, but Glick's the kind of asshole who'd bless his clubs for a better game. 1679 01:40:12,927 --> 01:40:15,929 - But the sink? - You've got the divine heritage. 1680 01:40:16,097 --> 01:40:18,181 Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits. 1681 01:40:18,349 --> 01:40:20,892 Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party. 1682 01:40:21,060 --> 01:40:23,853 - How far away is this church? - Three towns over, about 10 miles. 1683 01:40:24,021 --> 01:40:26,022 - Rufus, grab the gun. - Ten steps ahead of you. 1684 01:40:26,190 --> 01:40:28,358 Take the bartender's car. He won't need it. 1685 01:40:28,526 --> 01:40:31,778 The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God. 1686 01:40:43,499 --> 01:40:45,208 Oh, my God. 1687 01:40:57,972 --> 01:41:00,641 And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore. 1688 01:41:00,809 --> 01:41:01,976 Are we too late? 1689 01:41:02,144 --> 01:41:04,645 To save these poor schmucks? 1690 01:41:06,481 --> 01:41:07,523 Yeah. 1691 01:41:07,691 --> 01:41:10,276 But we still exist. 1692 01:41:10,444 --> 01:41:12,153 Where are they? 1693 01:41:12,320 --> 01:41:14,739 They could already be in the church. 1694 01:41:14,906 --> 01:41:16,949 So if they come out, nobody touches them. 1695 01:41:17,117 --> 01:41:18,325 Are you fucking shitting me? 1696 01:41:18,493 --> 01:41:21,328 The brother is gonna shred them with his angel-be-good special... 1697 01:41:21,496 --> 01:41:22,496 ...ain't you, homey? 1698 01:41:22,664 --> 01:41:24,665 If they pass through that arch, they're clean. 1699 01:41:24,833 --> 01:41:26,751 And if they die, they go straight up. 1700 01:41:26,918 --> 01:41:29,253 And, hello! We know what happens then, right? 1701 01:41:29,421 --> 01:41:31,672 - Why don't they kill themselves? - It's a mortal sin. 1702 01:41:31,840 --> 01:41:34,675 Die with a mortal sin and you burn. They don't wanna go to hell. 1703 01:41:34,843 --> 01:41:38,512 Then what are we supposed to do, wait for a solution to fall from the sky? 1704 01:41:42,809 --> 01:41:44,101 Friend of yours? 1705 01:41:44,269 --> 01:41:46,145 No, that was a cardinal. 1706 01:41:46,313 --> 01:41:50,024 You can't tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway. 1707 01:41:50,192 --> 01:41:52,693 It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker! 1708 01:41:52,861 --> 01:41:54,028 Don't you listen? 1709 01:41:54,196 --> 01:41:57,114 - We can't touch him! - I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass. 1710 01:41:57,282 --> 01:41:59,450 He's been at it for a while now. 1711 01:41:59,618 --> 01:42:01,202 Please! Please! 1712 01:42:02,370 --> 01:42:04,205 We ran out of parishioners... 1713 01:42:04,372 --> 01:42:08,667 ...so he just started picking up folk off the road and just dropping them. 1714 01:42:08,835 --> 01:42:11,962 This is just eons of repression getting purged. 1715 01:42:13,006 --> 01:42:15,049 If only they'd let us jerk off, you know? 1716 01:42:16,969 --> 01:42:18,220 Take a step back. 1717 01:42:22,600 --> 01:42:24,017 Let me go! 1718 01:42:25,228 --> 01:42:27,395 Why? What are you trying to prove? 1719 01:42:27,563 --> 01:42:30,899 - All these people! - Hey, this wasn't my idea! 1720 01:42:32,026 --> 01:42:33,360 Jesus Christ! 1721 01:42:34,737 --> 01:42:36,571 I just wanted to go home. 1722 01:42:36,739 --> 01:42:38,532 But him, you know... 1723 01:42:38,699 --> 01:42:40,992 ...he just lost it. 1724 01:42:41,160 --> 01:42:44,246 He realized who you were and what you were gonna have to do. 1725 01:42:44,413 --> 01:42:45,831 He just snapped. 1726 01:42:45,998 --> 01:42:49,501 And the funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work. 1727 01:42:49,669 --> 01:42:52,712 He said he felt sorry for you people. 1728 01:42:53,840 --> 01:42:55,257 Now look at him. 1729 01:42:55,424 --> 01:42:57,425 This guy's fucking drunker than hell. 1730 01:42:57,593 --> 01:43:00,011 Which means he's human now. 1731 01:43:01,430 --> 01:43:03,515 His wings have been cut off. 1732 01:43:04,016 --> 01:43:05,600 Loki... 1733 01:43:08,229 --> 01:43:09,938 Loki. 1734 01:43:10,106 --> 01:43:11,982 The muse? 1735 01:43:12,149 --> 01:43:14,192 Oh, no way! 1736 01:43:14,360 --> 01:43:17,070 I haven't seen you... You look terrific. 1737 01:43:17,238 --> 01:43:19,281 What's with the tits? Can I... 1738 01:43:19,448 --> 01:43:21,616 Have you walked through the arch yet? 1739 01:43:25,037 --> 01:43:28,540 Tell me. Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet? 1740 01:43:28,708 --> 01:43:29,958 No! 1741 01:43:35,382 --> 01:43:36,465 He's back. 1742 01:43:59,865 --> 01:44:01,782 We were awaiting your arrival. 1743 01:44:01,950 --> 01:44:04,911 Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me. 1744 01:44:05,078 --> 01:44:07,663 You can't go through with this. Azrael was just using you. 1745 01:44:07,831 --> 01:44:08,998 If you go back... 1746 01:44:10,000 --> 01:44:11,709 I've become aware of the repercussions. 1747 01:44:11,877 --> 01:44:12,919 I know what I'm doing. 1748 01:44:14,463 --> 01:44:16,005 You sick, twisted fuck! 1749 01:44:17,674 --> 01:44:18,841 Bethany. 1750 01:44:22,095 --> 01:44:25,348 You, of all people, should understand what I'm trying to accomplish here. 1751 01:44:25,515 --> 01:44:28,351 You too know what it feels like to be cast aside. 1752 01:44:28,518 --> 01:44:31,520 But you've only dealt with the pain a few years. 1753 01:44:31,688 --> 01:44:34,106 I've dealt with it for a millennia. 1754 01:44:34,274 --> 01:44:36,359 And while you never see your ex-husband... 1755 01:44:36,526 --> 01:44:39,862 ...or how blissful he is with his new wife... 1756 01:44:40,822 --> 01:44:42,031 And he is. 1757 01:44:45,243 --> 01:44:49,957 - seeing you people every day on this perfect world he created for you... 1758 01:44:50,124 --> 01:44:51,708 ...is a constant reminder... 1759 01:44:51,876 --> 01:44:54,878 ...that though my kind came first... 1760 01:44:55,046 --> 01:44:57,631 ...your kind was most revered. 1761 01:44:58,341 --> 01:45:00,634 And while you know forgiveness... 1762 01:45:00,802 --> 01:45:02,719 ...we know only regret. 1763 01:45:04,180 --> 01:45:05,555 The lesson must be taught. 1764 01:45:05,723 --> 01:45:07,474 All are accountable... 1765 01:45:07,642 --> 01:45:08,892 ...even God. 1766 01:45:10,228 --> 01:45:12,354 Soon a cadre of police will arrive... 1767 01:45:12,522 --> 01:45:16,233 ...just in time to kill us as we exit the church. 1768 01:45:16,985 --> 01:45:20,404 Then this failed experiment called existence... 1769 01:45:20,571 --> 01:45:21,989 ...will cease to be. 1770 01:45:22,156 --> 01:45:23,657 No. Hey. Hey! 1771 01:45:24,325 --> 01:45:26,243 No. No. 1772 01:45:26,411 --> 01:45:28,245 I can't let you do that, Bartleby. 1773 01:45:28,746 --> 01:45:30,414 This has gone too far. 1774 01:45:32,542 --> 01:45:34,918 I might have to take you down. 1775 01:45:36,421 --> 01:45:38,213 It's okay. 1776 01:45:38,381 --> 01:45:39,923 I'll do it. 1777 01:45:44,721 --> 01:45:46,596 My compatriot. 1778 01:45:48,057 --> 01:45:50,475 Genocide takes a lot out of him. 1779 01:45:50,643 --> 01:45:51,852 He's weakened. 1780 01:45:52,020 --> 01:45:53,353 You're weak. 1781 01:45:53,521 --> 01:45:56,273 More importantly, he's also a human being... 1782 01:45:56,441 --> 01:45:58,567 ...a condition which carries two liabilities. 1783 01:46:00,403 --> 01:46:02,196 A conscience... 1784 01:46:02,990 --> 01:46:04,449 ...and... 1785 01:46:07,453 --> 01:46:09,954 ...a short life span. 1786 01:46:10,122 --> 01:46:12,874 I'm sorry, old friend, but you lost the faith. 1787 01:46:40,652 --> 01:46:42,570 Oh, my God. He's lost it. We're fucked. 1788 01:46:42,738 --> 01:46:44,947 - We're absolutely fucked! - I hear that shit. 1789 01:46:46,408 --> 01:46:47,742 I can't believe this shit. 1790 01:46:47,910 --> 01:46:50,495 We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still missing. 1791 01:46:50,662 --> 01:46:53,623 - What kind of deity gets kidnapped? - Amen to that. 1792 01:47:00,506 --> 01:47:02,632 What the hell are you doing? 1793 01:47:02,800 --> 01:47:06,177 If the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd fuck me. 1794 01:47:10,349 --> 01:47:13,184 - You're a pig. - Nobody's gonna beat that thing. 1795 01:47:13,352 --> 01:47:16,854 We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there... 1796 01:47:17,022 --> 01:47:19,858 ...or we can get making with the love. - What did you say? 1797 01:47:20,026 --> 01:47:22,027 Make with the love. It's a nice way of saying boning. 1798 01:47:22,195 --> 01:47:23,654 No, about John Doe Jersey. 1799 01:47:27,534 --> 01:47:30,369 That guy they won't take off life support, John Doe Jersey. 1800 01:47:30,537 --> 01:47:32,538 This is where he's at, St. Michael's Hospital. 1801 01:47:34,207 --> 01:47:35,541 Where's the nearest boardwalk? 1802 01:47:35,708 --> 01:47:38,293 I ain't got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the fucking. 1803 01:47:38,461 --> 01:47:40,838 - Where is it? - Asbury Park, about five miles away. 1804 01:47:41,005 --> 01:47:42,881 - Have you been there? - Once, with a chick. 1805 01:47:43,049 --> 01:47:46,051 We were about to fuck on the carousel and I got sick, started puking. 1806 01:47:46,219 --> 01:47:48,011 - Do they have skeeball there? - Yeah. 1807 01:47:51,516 --> 01:47:53,392 That's what I'm talking about. 1808 01:48:01,401 --> 01:48:04,403 Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church. 1809 01:48:04,571 --> 01:48:06,655 Bob, come with me. Come on! 1810 01:48:06,823 --> 01:48:09,408 - How am I supposed to do that? - Think of something! 1811 01:48:09,576 --> 01:48:11,743 I already did, but it takes two of us! 1812 01:48:12,620 --> 01:48:14,830 I repeat, this is not a drill. 1813 01:48:14,998 --> 01:48:16,665 This is the apocalypse. 1814 01:48:16,833 --> 01:48:19,501 Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. 1815 01:48:19,669 --> 01:48:21,336 Thank you. 1816 01:48:36,770 --> 01:48:38,396 Hey, Big Bird! 1817 01:48:39,356 --> 01:48:40,940 Ready for the counting game? 1818 01:48:41,108 --> 01:48:42,692 No! 1819 01:48:45,779 --> 01:48:47,697 Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck. 1820 01:49:15,935 --> 01:49:17,810 No more bullets. 1821 01:49:17,978 --> 01:49:20,104 Now, what the fuck would you do that for? 1822 01:49:20,272 --> 01:49:23,107 Angels have to cut their wings off to become human. 1823 01:49:23,275 --> 01:49:25,276 You just did him a favor, stupid! 1824 01:50:12,033 --> 01:50:14,702 I hope you're the skeeball type. 1825 01:50:55,869 --> 01:50:58,245 Oh, Bartleby. 1826 01:50:58,413 --> 01:51:01,999 Was Wisconsin really that bad? 1827 01:51:02,167 --> 01:51:04,168 Bow down, stupid! 1828 01:51:22,772 --> 01:51:24,689 I'm sorry. 1829 01:51:47,546 --> 01:51:50,215 Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence... 1830 01:51:50,383 --> 01:51:54,094 ...would do well to cover their ears right about now. 1831 01:51:54,261 --> 01:51:56,221 What the fuck? 1832 01:52:02,395 --> 01:52:04,396 Thank you. 1833 01:52:36,221 --> 01:52:38,180 It never ends! 1834 01:52:57,909 --> 01:52:59,994 Get off of me. I wanna see what's up. 1835 01:53:00,537 --> 01:53:02,538 What the fuck is this shit? 1836 01:53:02,706 --> 01:53:04,331 Who the fuck are you, Lady? 1837 01:53:04,499 --> 01:53:06,876 Why the fuck did you hug my head? 1838 01:53:07,043 --> 01:53:09,879 Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? 1839 01:53:10,046 --> 01:53:12,882 What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking? 1840 01:53:13,049 --> 01:53:18,345 I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes. 1841 01:53:18,513 --> 01:53:21,682 What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fucking nuts? 1842 01:53:21,850 --> 01:53:24,727 What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some... 1843 01:53:42,371 --> 01:53:44,039 Where was she? 1844 01:53:44,749 --> 01:53:46,666 Imprisoned in a body. 1845 01:53:46,834 --> 01:53:50,170 Bethany figured it all out. She's a clever girl, that one. 1846 01:53:51,214 --> 01:53:52,756 Hang on a minute. 1847 01:54:27,291 --> 01:54:29,209 You missed a bit. 1848 01:54:30,753 --> 01:54:33,630 Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle? 1849 01:54:33,798 --> 01:54:36,132 You ready to make those changes I been talking about? 1850 01:54:36,467 --> 01:54:39,052 We'll see. Muse? 1851 01:54:39,220 --> 01:54:41,680 Seeing as how you just had to get involved... 1852 01:54:41,847 --> 01:54:44,057 ...you're welcome to return with us as well. 1853 01:54:44,225 --> 01:54:47,018 First I gotta say goodbye to Bethany. Where is she? 1854 01:54:47,186 --> 01:54:48,603 Oh, no. 1855 01:55:09,835 --> 01:55:12,295 Metatron, is she...? 1856 01:55:12,462 --> 01:55:14,672 Afraid so. 1857 01:55:14,840 --> 01:55:18,718 One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die. 1858 01:55:18,885 --> 01:55:20,845 But no matter. 1859 01:55:30,939 --> 01:55:33,274 All is being taken care of. 1860 01:55:34,026 --> 01:55:35,735 How so? 1861 01:55:36,528 --> 01:55:39,655 Wax on, wax off. 1862 01:56:03,221 --> 01:56:04,305 How did I...? 1863 01:56:04,473 --> 01:56:06,057 She can rebuild you. 1864 01:56:06,224 --> 01:56:07,726 She has the technology. 1865 01:56:07,894 --> 01:56:11,897 She can make you better, stronger, faster. 1866 01:56:17,904 --> 01:56:19,237 That's... 1867 01:56:20,281 --> 01:56:23,075 A very relieved deity. 1868 01:56:24,410 --> 01:56:27,162 You did well, little girl. I knew you'd come around. 1869 01:56:27,705 --> 01:56:29,665 Your kind always does. 1870 01:56:30,917 --> 01:56:33,335 So you might wanna take good care of yourself. 1871 01:56:33,503 --> 01:56:36,171 We're gonna need you down the road. 1872 01:56:36,339 --> 01:56:39,216 I know. I'm the last scion. 1873 01:56:41,427 --> 01:56:44,513 Well, you're half right. 1874 01:56:44,681 --> 01:56:47,599 You were the last scion. 1875 01:56:49,394 --> 01:56:51,103 But now... 1876 01:56:51,813 --> 01:56:53,355 ...this... 1877 01:56:54,107 --> 01:56:56,108 ...is the last scion. 1878 01:56:59,237 --> 01:57:01,154 I'm pregnant? 1879 01:57:03,700 --> 01:57:05,617 Can't put anything past you. 1880 01:57:08,955 --> 01:57:11,456 Take care of that parcel for us. 1881 01:57:11,624 --> 01:57:15,460 She has a world of work ahead of her. 1882 01:57:26,974 --> 01:57:28,933 Thank you for... 1883 01:57:29,101 --> 01:57:30,977 ...I don't know... 1884 01:57:31,145 --> 01:57:32,311 ...everything. 1885 01:57:36,150 --> 01:57:39,485 God, there's a million things I wish I could ask you... 1886 01:57:39,653 --> 01:57:41,654 ...most of it questioning your great plan... 1887 01:57:41,822 --> 01:57:43,656 ...and that'd be arrogant of me, I know. 1888 01:57:44,491 --> 01:57:46,576 But there is one I need to ask. 1889 01:57:46,744 --> 01:57:50,288 I'm sure you get it all the time, but how many chances like this will I get? 1890 01:57:52,332 --> 01:57:54,167 Why are we here? 1891 01:58:11,185 --> 01:58:13,770 Didn't I tell you she was funny? 1892 01:58:20,652 --> 01:58:23,196 I really enjoyed meeting you. 1893 01:58:23,989 --> 01:58:26,115 It was an honor. 1894 01:58:30,829 --> 01:58:34,081 You did so well. 1895 01:58:38,546 --> 01:58:41,298 I told you she was a woman. 1896 01:58:43,301 --> 01:58:45,594 She's not really a woman. 1897 01:58:45,762 --> 01:58:48,138 She's not really anything. 1898 01:58:48,306 --> 01:58:50,390 She's something, all right. 1899 01:58:51,142 --> 01:58:53,310 Crisis of faith over? 1900 01:58:53,478 --> 01:58:56,313 I think I'm now burdened with an overabundance. 1901 01:58:56,481 --> 01:58:58,315 When it rains, it pours. 1902 01:58:58,483 --> 01:59:00,692 Are you saying you believe? 1903 01:59:00,860 --> 01:59:03,904 No. But I have a good idea. 1904 01:59:04,072 --> 01:59:05,656 Yes. 1905 01:59:09,494 --> 01:59:11,286 The man was right about you. 1906 01:59:11,454 --> 01:59:14,456 Now I'm gonna go home and tell him so. 1907 01:59:15,375 --> 01:59:17,251 And if you clean up your language... 1908 01:59:17,418 --> 01:59:19,753 ...I just might put in a good word for you too. 1909 01:59:20,421 --> 01:59:21,839 Thanks. 1910 01:59:23,383 --> 01:59:25,926 Why don't you name the kid after me? 1911 01:59:28,304 --> 01:59:30,055 Rufus. 1912 01:59:56,542 --> 01:59:58,918 Yo, we should go to Quick Stop. 1913 02:00:03,757 --> 02:00:05,633 You guys wanna hear something sick? 1914 02:00:05,801 --> 02:00:08,636 - I got half a stalk when she kissed me. - Jay! 1915 02:00:08,804 --> 02:00:11,139 I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot. 1916 02:00:11,307 --> 02:00:15,768 You can't talk to me that way anymore. I'm gonna be somebody's mother. 1917 02:00:15,936 --> 02:00:17,395 You're pregnant? 1918 02:00:19,064 --> 02:00:22,525 Yo, I heard pregnant women can have sex into their third trimester. 1919 02:00:22,693 --> 02:00:24,611 I'll keep that in mind. 1920 02:08:04,619 --> 02:08:08,538 So that would make Bethany part black?