[Eric] So, I want to thank you so much for giving me
the opportunity to present today to all of you
and talk about a topic that drives my passion
and wakes me up in the morning, marketing.
So, marketing is about delighting the customer
through the touchpoints of her user journey, OK?
By studying how the customer engages her environment
we find authentic means of weaving our brand story
through the narrative of her lifestyle.
Now, I don't actually know what I'm talking about.
I'm a fraud.
I am a fraud.
Fraud alert, fraud alert. Fraud alert. Frau--
[alarm beeping]
[Eric] Oh, shit!
He knows, he knows I'm a fraud.
This is bullshit, everything coming out
of my mouth is bullshit. He knows I'm a fraud, oh my God.
I should've stayed in music. I should've stayed in the band!
I should've just been doing music! Oh my God, I'm a fraud!
Oh my God, oh my God!
[alarm clock blaring]
[upbeat music]
[device playing "Happy Birthday" theme]
[soft knocking]
Hey, take a seat, how you doing my favorite Rico?
-Rick. -Hmm?
It's no secret, this company's been going
through some pretty hard times.
We're gonna have to start, you know, yeah.
Tissue?
I think you're gonna find that this package is pretty sweet.
Why don't you take a few and give it the old,
think-a-roo, huh?
-Thank you. -Oh, and Rick,
it's not you, it's us.
OK.
Fuck yes, yes!
[Eric laughing]
[rock music]
[Eric] Yeah!
Whoo!
[Eric vocalizing to rock music]
I will have a pint of your most expensive beer.
[Vince] New daddy?
-I got laid off. -Sorry to hear that, bro.
Nah, man, life's too short.
See, this is great.
Freedom.
To freedom!
There's a cleaners next door.
It's all good.
Keep the change purse.
[guitar strumming]
[lighthearted music]
Sori, how many actual friends do I have?
[Sori] You have zero friends.
I'm Sori.
[foreign festive music]
-Hi, I need my pants. -Yeah, ink or bodilies?
Number one, number two, or number three?
Yo.
Eric mother-trucking Newman!
Dude, it's me.
Raj.
Patel, Raj Patel.
-Raj. Yeah. -Yeah, what are you just gonna stand there?
Send some fat to a ninja, man.
Man, what you up to?
I'm in digital marketing.
Oh, cool, you're in porn.
-That's cool, bro, no judgment. -No, no.
How about you, this a family operation?
Yeah, yeah, my old man bought the place.
The whole family works here and I can't stand it.
-Oh, we got Vipin. You remember the Vipster, right? -Hi.
[Raj] I find a way to keep it real digital up in this bitch.
Real-time domain bit, buy 500 plus tier one domains, and boom, you're ten figging.
Ten figures, billionaring, Billicon Valley, Bilbo Baggin' it.
Dirk Von Dyke style, dude.
Top of the class and he doesn't even know who D Von D is. Vipin, come on, come on.
What are you up to right now, man? You want to, you want to get a drank?
-Sure, but my pants-- -Oh yeah, whatever, I'll get that. Vipin, pants.
Liquid lunch, baby.
What a dick.
Hey Vince, can we get two more drinks over here? On the tab?
-All right. -So, Einstein worked at the Swiss patent office.
Guess who else did? D Von D, but instead of coming up with some stupid
theoretical shit he came up with some real shit, man,
the VOIP site Jyoos.
J-Y-O-O-S, Jyoos.
-Jyoos. -Mm-hmm, and now he is in the billi club.
I don't remember you so obsessed with making billions.
Not all of us could go to fancy school like you over here.
You're actually talking to a member of the unemployed community right now.
Oh, shit, yeah, that makes sense.
Digital marketing.
-You're shitcanned. -Yeah, thanks for the support, guy.
No, no, it's a good thing, it's a new thing,
It's freshness, you know, a new beginning.
I wish I could get shitcanned.
Dude, you were the smartest kid in our class.
This should come as natch to you.
Like my uncle Deepak, he sold an app for 2.4 milli.
We could do this together.
Look, I've been looking for like a rain man to make it rain.
You provide the brain and I will provide the bills.
-I have had a few ideas. -OK, calm down there, I see your boner, brosemite.
-You know what? Yeah. -Yeah.
-Yeah!
Oh, I just bought wetpussy.org.
God, I can't believe I got that.
But no, yeah to what we're talking about!
To Eric Newman, our CEO.
To wetpussy.org.
-To freedom. -To freedom!
[groovy band music]
[man] Bro.
Bro.
Broooo.
Juice me, bro.
Oh.
Dick Schlein, Ridickulous Media.
Founder, marketing champion.
Our wheelhouse is app-based branding, B to C, B to B, B to BBC.
Wish I had an app to tell you to plug in my damn laptop.
-[laughing] -Really sorry about that.
-I'm just dickin' with ya. -Yeah.
No, that's my slogan, it's on the card. Just dickin' with ya.
You gonna plug it in or...
[Eric] Yeah, sorry.
Nutter.
-What are you doing? -Oh, I'm just sticking in the juice, for Dick.
-Do you mind? -Yeah.
Sorry about that.
[Eric] That's when I came up with it. It's like how many times
have you been in this position, but like didn't have a means to connect?
See, I can actually talk to women because that's normal.
Well, not everybody has the gift.
And the app has many different types of use cases
-for a lot of different things, like for example, dating. -OK, yeah.
Or conferences.
Let's just do what is actually important
like figuring out the name.
Talkr, without an E.
Chattr, Chat.ly with a. ly.
Smel.ly with a... oh my God, that's genius.
I got to buy that right now.
-Dude, could you just us for a second. -Just us, Just.us.
-Dude, you are on fire. -OK, dude, enough with the shit.
Shit, Pu pu.
P, U, P, U?
How old are you again?
-Almost 30. -Yeah.
It's all about discovering cool people around you and then
-eventually meeting them. -OK, and then we track the whole thing
-and sell their data, smart. -Isn't that like very creepy?
Dude, the internet is a trillion dollar peep show. We're gonna be fine.
I told you five million times, it's better than a dating site 'cause it could be a lot
of different things. It could happen for schools,
and universities, and conferences and get-togethers, and jamborees.
Why did we come up from apes to the things we are now? Money.
What is the monetization play, man?
Deep inside if you connect the right people
at the right place, at the right time, there's tons
to be made off of that. It's just about unlocking it.
-FML. Ah! -We're not calling the app FML.
[Eric] So, you enter the app and you can see all the different people around you.
Then you can look and read the profiles that people are happy to post.
And if you like one of them then you click on that.
And then you get to a huge local ad unit. Yeah, I love that.
Fine, but then you can start your conversation.
OK, which we datamine for trends, and then we sell it.
I love that even more.
It's not bad.
It's not not horrible.
-Good job, buddy. -[phone buzzing]
Aw, crap.
OK, yeah, I got to go, man.
Old man problems.
Full bachelor party.
All bodilies.
What, that's it? Dude, we haven't even come up with the name of the app.
I will connect to you later, OK?
[chuckles] Connect2U!
Yeah.
OK, fine, great, that's our placeholder.
Or Placeholdr without an E?
-Connect2U is good. -Yeah.
-Thanks. -Connect2U.
-Where the hell were you? we're on in like two minutes. -I had a hard time getting away.
Let's just say Vijay thinks I'm mid-deuce right now.
OK, let me take the lead on this, cause you're not gonna
like this guy. He is a total Banana Republican.
Chet, oh, buddy.
Right circler, dag!
-Roger, I am so jazzed. -Yes.
I cannot wait to hear about this.
So, why don't you guys set up over there
and give me the spiel, OK?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Raj rolling his lips]
Chet, let's just jazz about a problem that we all have,
letting people know what we really think.
Say you were at a coffee shop and your barista
is being a total bi-otch,
you'd want to let other people know about that, am I right?
With tech we figure out a way to connect with people
across the world but not with people
in the same room as us.
That's where Connect2U comes in, so we can connect to you.
Connect2U is the native app in connecting people across
-different mediums in real-- -I'm sorry, hold on a second.
Who's the guy?
Oh, this is Eric Newman, our CEO.
-Does he speak? -Yes.
So, why isn't your CEO presenting?
We are contrarian.
I like it... Stealthy.
So, if I wanted to use this to communicate with someone
in a restaurant, find out what the food is like.
OK, yes, great use case, man. Great use case.
So, what's the monetization play here, boys?
Oh, uh...
We've given thought to a unique multi-stream business model.
Ads, ads, lots of ads, CTC, CPA, CPWs, BBWs.
-Sorry, BBW? -Big and beautiful women, super loyal demo.
-Click-throughs for days. -Right. [sighs]
So, we don't alpha invest anymore.
We just let you guys run with it, scale organically.
See, we like seeing the app in market fostering
a more engaged user base, so from 30,000 feet
we can figure out how to leverage, pivot, and really scale.
So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's get you guys on the books for,
what is it now, October?
Let's, I don't know, come back around in April, OK?
Ping us, I got to bio break.
Guys, a thrill.
[chuckles] OK, great seeing you, Chet, we'll play golf some time.
Dude, we killed that.
-[Raj] So? -So, I just spent months working
on this on spec with enough of my savings giving it all up
for this big chance you kept playing up to which you showed up fashionably late
and didn't even let me get a word in edge-wise,
all to find out that your big connection is thrilled.
OK, look, I don't have time to argue. Just appreciate the moment.
-Yeah, appreciate your job. At least you get to keep yours. -Whoa, whoa, hey,
who are we kidding, man? We're killing ourselves every day when we're not doing
-what we love. -Love? All you want to do is flip shit.
Yeah, and I love it. So, I said that you could sell early,
wishful thinking.
Look, just say the word and I will go full-time with you.
I'll hand in my pink slip to Vij.
-No more running around. -Really?
So, we're both gonna work full-time on something that pays nothing.
-How, pray tell, shall we fund said expedition? -Don't ask me, I'm second G.
Yeah, well, Chet was our only shot.
No, no, there are plenty of fish in the VC sea.
Besides, he's right, why give up on such a big part
of the dream so early, it's just money.
-Yeah, small detail. -Look, we need to cut costs.
The Vipper will have a good idea.
-[Lena] Hi, sweetheart. -[Eric] Hi.
It is so good that my baby's back home.
Oh, here, now, let me help you with this.
-[Eric] It's OK, it's fine. -OK, let me take this then.
No, it's fine, please just don't take-- ow!
Jeffrey, we could use some help in here please.
[Eric] Ma, shit.
Fuck.
So, what's the story, you get fired?
Lay offs, it's nothing about me.
-I mean, if you're adding value-- -Jeffrey, don't start.
Look, he dabbles from job to job. He has no idea what he wants to do.
I do know what I want to do, I have a project.
It's a business actually. Actually, I'm the CEO of a business.
Oh. See, that's pretty straightforward, Jeffrey, hmm?
Sounds very exciting.
All right, Mr. Chief Executive Officer,
what exactly are you executing?
Remember Raj from the cleaners?
-Oh my, Raj. -[scoffs]
Didn't his parents buy the strip mall cleaners?
-[Vijay] Who do you think you are? -I'm sick of working
-in stain removal. -I worked for my father for years, boy.
Boy. Look, maybe if you didn't treat me like a boy you'd see I'm a man.
Oh, well, maybe as a man you can pay your fair share of the rent.
No, I'm not gonna do that 'cause I'm not gonna
live here anymore.
I'm leaving, just like Uncle Deepak.
Don't you mention that D.
[Lena] How are they doing?
They're doing great. Anyways, Raj is working for me,
-with me, on an app. -[mouthing] App.
Well, you know what D Von D says about rock bottom, right?
-Let me guess, liquid brunch? -No.
Look, don't think about it as shit hitting the fan.
Think about it as spreading fertilizer in the soil
of your mind.
That's some deep shit, brother.
We can only go up from here, you'll see.
Yeah, literally. [claps]
[upbeat music]
I'm looking for a new challenge.
An amazing opportunity.
I'm really a people person.
Yeah, we'll circle back.
-When do my options vest? -You and us isn't gonna work out.
Oh, OK, I like that you put that you're artistic.
That's a U.
Oh, OK, I am so sorry.
Did you guys want to order something?
I'm looking for something a little more conventional.
-Do you even have a social? -No, but I could hack one.
We'll get back to your legal guardian.
You guys are amateurs.
Hey, are you guys interviewing for some sort of startup?
-[Raj] Roger. -Jeanine.
-That's my name, too, Roger. -Oh... Cool.
I'm Eric. [gulps]
Hey.
How can you help us help you help us?
Well, I project manage, design, illustrate,
and have access to some programmers, if you guys
are looking for that sort of thing.
Do you know what we do here?
Uh, by the looks of it, not much, but I get it.
You're grassroots, two guys with a germ of a good idea
and no money. What you need is someone like me,
someone who can put a solid team together so you can do what you do.
Yeah, OK, we're actually going to have to mull this over.
But, thank you. Thank you so much.
Cool, yeah.
Other than trying to look cool is there any reason we're not
begging her on our hands and knees right now?
-No. -OK.
Welcome, everyone, to the future.
Many years ago I met this young man, Raj,
AKA, Rajinder, AKA, Roger.
We were high school buds, but went our own ways,
me to a shitty big business, him to a shitty small one.
But we had a crazy idea about an app that brings people
together in a cold and distant world.
It's a little bit intimate here, but if you're with us
you're here to fight in the trenches.
You don't want to be a cog in the system.
You're anti-authoritarian and damn proud.
[clapping]
He's not with us, by the way.
So, who here is ready for adventure?
I'm here because of Jeanine.
Ditto.
Or that, yep.
Is the app responsive or hybrid?
I would say all the above.
OK, hybrid is all the above.
Boom. Rockstar.
Your resource projections are understated.
Just working on your budget and work back plan here to a six- month launch, and voilà.
That gets you an MVP.
I already am an MVP, so.
She means minimum viable product.
Ahem, hey, Raj, bio break?
Yeah, go.
Together?
-What's up? -We're screwed. I thought we'd get by living like schleppers,
getting a couple low-budget employees.
Yeah, that's why we need cash flow, bro.
Look, you're CEO.
Hustle, playa.
Connect2U is the app to connect you to potential loved ones.
God, this sounds like an app for a funeral home.
I like what you're trying to get at, but it's a bit static,
-kind of like a private email service. -Yes, OK, that, that's my point.
Which makes no sense when it's for getting people to talk to each other in real life.
-That's my point. -Everything about the design should get people
to meet up in person.
OK, you're talking about getting game.
-Gamification. -OK.
Connect2U is the app to connect you to potential loved ones.
God, you have like no confidence. Who did this to you?
Make it fun for people to get to know each other through the app.
Sure, it's just this isn't really a video game.
It's about developing long-lasting friendships.
But I like the thinking a lot, keep it up.
[Raj snickering]
The market for connecting people
is valued at over $500 billion,
and no one can do it quite like Connect2U.
[upbeat music]
Thanks, Mr. Newman.
So, following the critical path we're just gonna make
a bare bones MVP for your phase one launch.
Hmm.
Do you like Jeanine?
Yeah, she's like a super fast worker, she's awesome.
No. Do you like Jeanine?
Where'd you get that sweet Gantt spreadsheet template?
-Oh, I just whipped this up. -What?
God, dude, you have such a crush.
You put in all those macros?
Where did you learn how to do that?
You should be honest and just ask her out.
[chuckling] Are you kidding me?
Dude, that's like completely against HR policy.
HR policy, we work at a café!
Confession, I'm an Excel fetishist.
Get out.
I love Excel, I wish I could like SUMIF my entire life.
Right? Can I VLOOKUP yours?
Oh my goodness.
[laughing]
You have serious dorkitude.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
Yeah, buddy, chug, chug, chug, chug.
Oh, last line of code, bitches! Action it, action.
[Raj] Can you believe that we did it, broski?
[chuckles] We made a damn app.
We came up with an idea, we made crazy sacrifices, and boom.
Launch time.
Come on, don't leave me hanging.
Fearless leaders. This ceremony is to commemorate the birth of Connect2U.
But before we launch in, a little birthday present.
Using my magic I was able to score us
an exclusive preview from...
[drumming on table]
Sierra Miller coming tomorrow for an in-person interview!
[clapping]
Obviously you guys don't know who Sierra Miller is.
-She's only the most influential East Coast tech blogger going. -Yeah, I mean, she hosts
-the Techies, the Geekies, and the Dweebies every year. -Every year.
And she can get thousands of downloads with a finger snap.
-Boom. -But enough banter, ship it!
-OK. Yeah. -Let's do this.
Ah, I see you.
Oh, I see you.
Yeah!
Yeah.
-I just lost you. -This thing just froze, it just, it just froze.
Sorry, there's no back button in the chat space.
Bugs are to be expected when you code at the last second.
Yeah, I know, it's just we, now we have like an interview tomorrow.
Because I hauled ass to get it since that's what you wanted.
-[Eric] I'm not blaming you-- -OK, look, my whole phone just froze, what?
OK.
[man] Yeah, it's... No.
Great.
Oh my God, every time we fix a bug another pops up.
Bugs are bugs, guys. What's important now is who you are and why you made this.
Yeah.
Eric, are you OK?
Not really.
-[door unlatching] -[suspenseful music]
[both mumbling]
[stuttering] Close that.
Stupid.
Eric, this is Sierra.
Going to scooch.
So, Connect2U, that's cute.
So, take me to the moment you thought this thing up.
Um, yeah, it was about three or four months ago.
So, you don't remember when or where
or why you created this?
No, I do, I'm just--
You don't talk very much for a CEO.
-[phone vibrating] -OK, well, if you don't have much to say,
I can at least take a look at your app.
"Ah, dude, just relax and picture her naked, she's hot."
App isn't loading, does anybody else have it loaded?
Yep.
So, how is it any different from RoomFriender, HubChat?
What's your differentiator?
Well, I haven't heard of those other ones.
Of course not, skippy.
-All right. -Thank you.
Hey, Sierra, thank you so much for coming.
Maybe we're just not quite ready for a discussion.
Oh, you're definitely ready for discussion.
Word of advice.
You're better than this.
Sierra, I loved your piece on accelerators.
It was bang on. Listen, I'm developing a safe space for white men
on the internet, and I thought you--
Hey, man, you're going to call me crazy,
but, I think she was into you.
Registered on the old Rajdar.
Did you hear her? She's right. This is the stupidest idea
in the history of like ideation.
OK, we're two idiots thousands of miles from Silicon Valley,
reverse engineering some half-baked idea and giving up
our lives and careers and families for some stupid dream
that like never happens.
-At least you got a girlfriend. -She's not--
Look, this slope is like way too slippery.
-Someone's got to put an official sock. -Wait, what, no, no.
What are you doing? This whole thing is ghetto.
What we need to do is raise capital so we can get it done right.
Clearly I'm not the guy for that.
What?
Dude.
Fine, fine, I'll do it.
Sori, text Raj, thanks for filling in today.
I'm gonna send them the bad news tomorrow.
And for sanity's sake it's best if you moved out ASAP.
Send.
[Sori] Sent to Raj, I'm Sori.
[Raj] This is a once in a lifetime investment opportunity.
Your seed keeps the lights on.
Get in on the ground floor now, enjoy the penthouse later.
OK, how about philanthropy then?
Please, please!
What did I ever do to you, man, come on!
[automated voice] Auto-dictate on.
Roger, Connect2U is not a good fit at this time.
But good news, I can offer you a 25% discount
to our Startup Olympics with code Rockstar.
Thrilled as fuck, regards, Chet!
Ow!
-[door bell ringing] -[door opening]
-[Lena] Hello. -Hi.
[Lena] Are you selling cookies?
[upbeat dance music]
Eric?
[Jeanine] Oh, my God! Jesus!
Holy moly.
Oh, my God. [laughing]
Um, yeah.
-[Eric] Oh, God. -OK.
-Oh, wow, yeah. -I'm sorry.
Let me slip into something a bit more clothey.
-Mm-hmm Your mom made me bring you some cookies. -[Eric] I figured as much.
Uh, yeah, no, don't go in there.
Am I about to find your stash?
Oh, my God, you're a musician.
I'm a hobbyist.
Like real musicians have careers, me, no.
Play me a song.
-I don't do songs. -OK, play me a thing, I won't judge you.
Have I ever judged you, out loud?
OK, fine, here's a groove.
[laughs] OK.
-[Eric] Awkward. -Exciting.
[bluesy guitar music]
[drums playing]
[bluesy band music]
Groove.
You know what you are?
A renaissance man child.
-Like a shitty da Vinci? -No.
Your mind is capable of a lot, but your heart is in music.
It's what you should be doing, I can see that.
Where am I gonna find the time to start making-- OK, don't answer that.
-You know what you need? -[Eric] Hmm?
-ShitKicker. -Like crowd funding?
It's the best way to hold you to your passion project. I'm filming.
-Don't do that. -Too late, it's recording, start.
Hi, I'm Eric Newman.
I'm a failed analyst, entrepreneur, and musician.
But my colleague here has suggested that I kick my own proverbial shit.
So please support me in becoming a professional musician
so that I don't at least die full of festering regret.
Yours truly, Eric Newman, esquire.
What?
Stop it.
Stop it!
No, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got you something.
[Eric] You shouldn't have?
I know, but I couldn't resist.
This is so you sleep better at night.
A spreadsheet bed sheet?
Dorkitude?
Get out.
I silk screen, it's no big deal.
Shall we product test it?
-[Jeanine] Ha! -Whoa.
Yep, this is awesome.
OK, can you wake me up in like 20?
I have a thing tomorrow.
[sighing]
[laughing]
To never working at my dad's cleaners again!
Yeah!
[rock music]
All right, let's begin. Eric, what are three words you would use to describe yourself?
Well, I would say loyal because I like to stick
with those that give me an opportunity.
And I'd also go with dedicated because once I'm on a set path,
I like to finish what I've gotten started.
So, you only have two words?
I'd also go with gangsta 'cause that's how I roll.
Gangsta.
G-A-N-G-S-T-A?
Yes.
OK.
What do you think is your biggest weakness?
I think I would go with opioids.
-Opioids. -This is very fun.
Share an example of how you were able to motivate co-workers.
-Blackmail. -How do you handle a challenge? -I just give up.
-Did you ever not meet your goals? -Well, I am here, right?
How have you handled a difficult situation with a supervisor?
-Scotch. -With another department?
-Tequila. -With a client or vendor?
-Wine. -With a boss?
Craft beer, or caffeine. Liquid lunch, baby.
This is the most unprofessional interview I have ever done.
No, you are doing great.
But listen, I have a thing so...
[upbeat electronic music]
-So now, you gonna tell me? -I don't know, man, it's kind of embarrassing.
-Embarrassing? -Look, I knocked on every door I knew, but no juice.
So, in my lowest state I was gonna go back to the Vij when, I got some of that D.
-Excuse me? -Uncle Deepak?
-Ah. -I told him the sitch, and he said he'd support me.
-And he has that kind of money? -He is a serial entrepreneur.
He sold a couple patents.
I just never knew about it because him
and the V-Man don't talk.
You know, don't ask, don't tell.
-Hey, a toast. -I got this.
To Raj, we don't know how you do what you do.
We don't want to know, but keep doing it.
And to liquid lunch!
[employees] To liquid lunch!
DJ!
[party blowers sounding]
[employees] Go Raj, go Eric, go Raj, go Eric.
-Welcome to Connect2U HQ! -Yeah.
[cheering]
We are no longer ghetto, folks.
We got a new look.
Speaking of which, uh, bam!
Meet your new boss, Roger Patel.
Hey, pass these around.
-[horns] -[crowd applauding]
We are starting a fresh, EG, augmented reality!
[clapping]
It's just a huge market waiting to be tapped.
From now on, Connect2U is gonna connect you
through roaming avatars anytime, anywhere.
Free range, baby! But how are we gonna do this?
Is it gonna be hard? No, because we got a kick ass team,
starting with my co-founder Eric Newman,
our Chief Technology Officer.
Give it up, give it up!
With increased growth comes increased responsibility.
I'm talking promos, yo.
Guess who's getting, it's my girl, Jeanine Genet,
Chief Product Officer!
-[horns] -[loud cheering]
For now, let's enjoy Connect20,
our employee engagement initiative.
Just jot down and journal for the next 20.
Get down with the downtime.
DJ, spin that shit.
¶ Turn it up ¶
-What are you doing? -Making us a billi.
[chuckles] I'm just a little bit surprised to find that you flipped
my idea so that now it's totally unrecognizable.
-It's an augmentation, Eric. -You're buying this too?
Don't hate the player, hate the gamification.
See, while you were busy giving the man the reach around,
I raised a shitload of das capital.
So now, I lead and you play CTO.
I don't know the first thing about being CTO.
You didn't know the first thing about tech either. But look at you,
you are a co-founder on Crackbase.
That's a naked woman.
Illustrative.
If you'll excuse me, it's executive order time.
[upbeat music]
But I thought this was a convertible loan, Eric?
I thought I could get a chance to invest if I want.
Eric?
Eric!
[Raj] Oh, Chet.
We're actually at an eight figgy valuation now,
so why don't you try circling back, huh?
OK, great, reach around, bud, peace out.
Yeah, click douche.
[laughing]
[Raj] That felt good.
[upbeat music]
Thoughts?
What are you saying? I look like a turtle?
-Pretty much. -Thanks.
I'm saying it takes you a while, but slowly and steadily
-you win the race. -Ah.
And you hide under a hard shell,
but underneath it all you're just a green softy.
And, who are you?
You mean hoo am I?
[laughing]
Identity protection and anonymity come down
to some level of encryption.
Connect2U will use 256 bit level encryption...
[whispering] It sounds brilliant, but I really don't understand any of it.
-Ella's a PhD in cryptography. -Wow, you really scored us one.
-You kidding, you give a PhD a job they'll suck your dick. -No words.
[Raj] Oh, God, that's good.
Hey, this is Roger Patel here, CEO.
Just doing my series B round for Connect2U.
This thing is about to pop.
-[bones cracking] -Yeah, just did.
OK, ping me when you're next avail, OK?
Talk some equity, peace.
Bottom line, every single Connect2U interaction
is completely anonymous with like no digital trace.
Yeah, buddy, you got that privacy that you wanted so badly.
Sorry to interrupt your tales from the crypt, but we're good
to go on liquid lunch Tuesdays.
I poached Barista Jesus.
Come to me.
[Eric] We were in the middle of a like--
Hey, it's team building, amigo.
Which reminds me, please, guys, do not forget
Connect2Yoki tonight, bring your significantes.
-[phone ringing] -This is Raj.
Reggie, yeah, I just wanted to go over the ad platform with you.
So now, we have an ad platform?
I did not get the memo either.
Yeah.
-[Eric] Yeah, I see you. -And I see you.
-[chuckling] I'm getting good at this, huh? -[Jeanine] I'm very impressed.
Yeah, but I still can't see the treasure chest.
-Get closer. -I am.
[Eric] Wait, oh, I see it, I see it.
[Jeanine] OK, now what?
[Eric] I'm supposed to open it, right?
-I swipe up? -[Jeanine] Yeah.
OK, let me, trying this.
-[Jeanine] Closer. -[Eric] OK.
I'm swiping, and it's not...
Ah-ha! Got it.
[Jeanine] You see? You see how awesome that is?
[Eric] That's a rush.
[Jeanine] Did you see your prize?
[Eric] Oh.
-Fine, you win, this is fun. It's fun. -[Jeanine laughing]
[male voice] Welcome to Perkiledge Capital.
Join us for this year's Startup Olympics,
featuring a very special VIP guest.
If you're trying to reach Chet leave
a targeted micro-message now.
Hey, Chet, just circling back seeing if your
original offer still stands.
Ping me, ping me.
[soft folk band music]
Uncle Deepak?
-What the hell? -What the hell did you do with the money?
Where the hell did you even get the money from? Did you lie about Uncle Deepak?
OK, I did not lie, it was half truth.
[Raj] I was down on my luck and I asked him if he'd support me for the first time ever.
He said yes. I told him what he was trying to raise, and he laughed... hard.
So, I just asked him if he'd help with the startup
application fee, and he did, he helped with it.
[Eric] Oh, God, so where's the 300K from?
[Raj] I started filling out the application next door at the bar when I got into it with Vince.
You know, pouring my troubles down the drain.
And he tells me he's into this, and I'm like,
"What? You're into tech?"
It's an app for the Startup Olympics.
And he's like, "yeah man, that's my jam."
Did you not know about our app?
So, I pitched him, it was a great pitch.
Vince, have you ever been to a coffee shop and your barista was being a total bi-otch?
So, you're telling me the guy behind all this is the guy behind the bar?
OK, look, what sold him was you, OK?
He remembers you from high school, he really loved our idea.
My idea, which you sold!
I did not sell it, it was a loan.
-We owe Vince $300,000? -With interest.
-What rate of interest? -Half a percent.
-That's actually pretty competitive. -A day.
-That's like a million dollars! -Oh, shit, my bad.
Oh, my God. OK, we have to pay him back immediately. We're two weeks from launch.
-What's the story with sales? -There is no story.
Awesome, you're amazing, thank you. Is there anything else we can sell
like products, placement, patents?
-No, I've tried everything. -OK, what about Perkiledge?
-They're blue balling us, the balls are blue. -[Eric] Oh, God!
Why, why, are you not well?
Are you on drugs? Are you off drugs?
Look, we just needed a short-term cash infusion, OK?
What's a milli when you're gonna make a billi?
I don't understand your hip-hop numbers!
Never put all your eggs in one basket.
OK, look, that is easy for you to say, OK? I grew up with nothing.
You know, my dad wants to cage me in,
-but I'm free range, man. -That's a free throw,
you are doing a free throw. You say you have nothing, you had everything.
You had all the girls, all the attention, and all the love!
You're bringing this back to high school?
Of course I am. Why do you think we stopped being friends, bro?
'Cause I did all your homework and you took all the credit for everything,
-and took it all for yourself. -No, we stopped being friends
because you went off to some fancy school, you know,
to become some corporate D-bag poser.
And you needed me to bring you back.
You know what, fuck you, OK?
-Wow, real creative, yep. -Fuck you and your fucking world!
Fuck Perkiledge, fuck the Startup Olympics, fuck Apptitude,
and fuck Sierra Miller!
-Fuck Sierra Miller! -Yeah!
No, no, I mean, literally fuck Sierra Miller, dude.
-What? -OK, who do you think runs the Startup Olympics?
-I don't know, D Von D? -No, Sierra Miller.
-And? -And if you gigolize yourself to her she might let us in.
How good am I at calling it?
Like predicting, I don't know, 0 for life?
No, with chicks.
-You're very good! -I am a savant, OK?
Dude, maybe she's into some dominatrix shit.
But for sure, she's into you.
OK, say I gigolize her, I can't believe I'm even entertaining this idea.
How do we get into Startup Olympics, and what do we even win?
OK, last year there was a 500K bidding war at the after party.
-Yeah, but that's not enough. -But it might be enough for Vince to relax terms.
-What do I tell Jeanine? -Have you met my friend, Jack Shit?
Dude, she needs to work on the app so we have something to flip.
But we can't even pay her anymore.
We need to save money.
Have you met my secret Vippy?
This is a plan B scenario, but you might need to go in
through the back door to get to her front.
I provided you with lube, two candles, and 30 condoms,
ranging from extra small to extra large.
That's a joke, obviously, only extra smalls.
Sex is a possibility, but don't push it.
See what she's into, maybe feet.
Maybe hands, maybe eyeballs.
I've had a woman like that once, it was very peculiar.
[Vipin] Dosas, $7.95 each, $7.95 per dosa.
Dosas, dosas, $7.95.
For you, $3.97, half price, even rounded down, just for you.
Dosas?
You know, we could totally debug with this.
The money's really good.
Sweet, where's Raj?
Pounding the proverbial payment, trying to find a buyer.
Also trying to avoid the bar.
Yeah, not the ideal location.
Mm-hmm.
-Dosa? -[Eric] Hey, how's it going, is it perfect?
Is it perfect? Um, it's as good as it can be given the circumstances.
-Great, whatever it takes. -So, that's how it works?
You know I'm the one who's putting the most work on this app, where's my ownership?
You are not legally responsible for any of this.
Wow, now you're getting legal.
You know what, we should've never--
Forget it, let me just finish.
[foreign festive music]
[mellow electronic music]
[upbeat music]
Well, well, look who decided to show up.
-You look absolutely-- -Sit down.
OK.
Got you a decaf. Wasn't sure if you could handle adult drinks.
Sip it.
Both hands.
Thank you.
Your eyes are ducking beautiful.
Ducking.
Ducking, ducking phone.
What the hell are you talking about? What do you want?
To get to know you better.
[laughing] No, you don't.
You want something else.
Come on, skippy, cough it up.
A few months ago we put in an application for the Startup Olympics.
Ah, and you want me to what?
Make a special slot for you and just slide you in?
Put my reputation on the line for your garbage little app
in the Startup Olympics? [scoffs]
Pathos is just so... [sighs]
I'm pretty pathetic.
You sure are.
I invested all my money in this app.
-Hm... Horrible idea. -Oh, yeah, I live with my parents.
I knew it when I first saw you.
Sometimes I urinate sitting down.
-Um, you animal. -Yes.
Bark like a dog.
Ow!
Louder.
Ow!
[panting and laughing]
Give me more chihuahua.
[Eric barking]
I need a footstool, on the ground.
-Sing happy birthday. -¶ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Mr. President
-¶ Happy birthday to you ¶ -Why would you sing to the president?
-I don't know, it felt right. -OK, you know what, get up, you idiot.
OK, ow!
-That hurt? -Mm-hmm.
Listen to me, and listen closely.
I'm gonna put your little piece of shit app
into the Olympics, huh?
Just so I can watch you humiliate yourself
in front of everyone and our global live feed,
which is going all over MyFace.
Yes, all over MyFace.
Expect an email shortly.
I will look for it desperately.
[Sierra panting]
-You disgust me. -Thank you.
[roaring]
[panting]
Yes.
Guys, check out the email I just forwarded you.
We just got into the Startup Olympics.
Huge accomplishment, baby!
Complimentary dosas on the house.
Thanks for your generosity, but I'm a bit busy compiling your MVP.
But hey, congrats, with Sierra.
Wink.
-[Eric] Hey, can I talk to you. -I think my contract is up, right?
Ah.
That's our cue.
What? Guys...
Hey.
Is the coast clear?
Oh, my God, what happened?
He got his ass kicked.
Look, Phil, I just need 60 seconds of your time.
Hey... Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back.
[Vipin] Full recovery in a month. Won't be able to talk until then.
I'm gonna need blink treatment.
One blink is yes, two is no.
Was this Vince?
You know we got into the Startup Olympics?
Who's gonna present?
Me?
We're screwed.
Connect2U is the app of connection
in the augmented reality era, the ARE... So stupid.
Hi, I'm Eric Newman, and what I'm about to present you with
will change your life.
Connect2U is like an average app, but we really need
the money because if we don't get it then I die.
Connect2U is likely the most preferred method of people
communicating digitally with each other to express
their mutual appreciation.
[Eric] Yeah.
Hey, Owl, this is Turtle, the guy that learns things
really slowly, but does get it in the end.
Case in point, Crapchat filters.
You like? Learning,
also learning how bad a communicator I am.
And I'm sorry.
And want to talk to you.
And hope we can talk about the pitch.
But really just connect
in general
so I can connect to you,
like in real life.
[sighs heavily]
Stop filming me.
Seriously, stop.
-[Jeanine] No. -Stop.
-[Jeanine] No, no, no! -Stop!
[blusey guitar playing]
That was easy.
[yawning]
[soda can opening]
[alarm blaring]
Huh, aw...
Shit!
[rock music playing]
[barista] Eric.
Small world.
You've come a long way, but you are hella late, follow me.
Straight through here, come on.
Toss that.
-Come on, they're waiting. -[Eric] Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
[rock music]
So, if you need to plug in your computer, you can do it by the board
right over there. All right, come on, sit down. Let's set you up.
Feel good? All right.
This thing's gonna be on you full-time, so don't say anything stupid,
and don't go to the bathroom, all right?
Hey, man, solidarity.
Fuck the patriarchy.
[audience cheering]
Is this thing on?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Startup Olympics!
-[audience cheering] -[Chet] Woo!
I cannot tell you how exciting this is for me to do the city
the honor of bringing some of the best that we have to offer to the world.
So, some ground rules, we have four presentations
to four judges who are the uber blogger
from Apptitude, Sierra Miller.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Lion's Den judge, Kevin O'Malley.
[audience jeering]
Child gift unboxer, Karin Ho!
[audience applauding]
And now, you guys are going to freak when you hear this.
Ladies and gentlemen, your fourth judge, the legend himself,
Dirk Von Dijk!
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'm thrilled, any words of wisdom before we begin?
Be yourself and you will always fail,
and that is a good thing.
It sure is. All right, so just a reminder that the grand prize today
is $500,000 in equity infusion
from Perkiledge Capital, yours truly.
Big money, big pressure, so let the games begin.
First up, FOMO NOMO.
[rock music]
In today's day and age, it's hard not to feel FOMO,
the fear of missing out.
With FOMO NOMO you can seamlessly add yourself
into your friends' and loved ones' experiences.
[audience applauding]
As dog trainers, we know teaching dogs where and how
to poop is of the utmost importance.
But what if we could leverage the internet of things to know
where that poop was, when it was happening, and how to optimize it?
Pupu is the world's first RFID-driven feces monitoring platform for dog lovers.
-Pupu, see poo later. -[audience applauding]
So, the next one, full disclosure, folks,
these guys spent the last couple of months in our brand new
Perkiledge-mantor program, full service mentorship
for man teams in self- confidence, image, and legal.
So, let's give it up for Tok2Me.
[audience applauding]
Have you ever been in a café and wanted to communicate...
[stomach rumbling]
...with the people around you?
It's amazing that in this day and age,
we can know what somebody's thinking on the other side of the ocean,
but we can't connect to the people next to us.
-Talk to me. -[stomach rumbling]
Tok2Me lets you communicate...
-[stomach rumbling] -...with the people in your space,
and gather authentic communication.
That's us in a nutshell.
Feedback?
[Eric vomiting]
[laughing] That's what I like to hear.
[laughing]
Loser.
Before we go to the judges, we have a late entrant
in this year's competition through the back door.
His name is Roger Patel, and his app,
I think it's an app, Connect2U.
[Eric]You can do this, you can do this, buddy.
You got it.
[audience jeering]
[flatulating]
Actually, it's not Roger, it's Raj, but he's not here.
Actually, he is here, he's in a handicap chair 'cause he's beaten.
He can't talk.
I'll do the talking.
Yeah. Um...
[audience member] This guy's horrible.
OK, the computer's not working.
[clicking tongue]
[audience member] He's horrible.
OK, uh, I'm Eric.
I'm...
I'm Eric Newman.
I'm Eric.
[suspenseful music]
I'm Eric.
I'm Eric Newman.
I'm a failed analyst, entrepreneur and musician.
But actually, I'm a fraud.
I'm trying to fit myself into a box that I can't fit into, OK?
I'm under stupid pressure to raise a stupid amount of money
for really stupid ideas, OK?
Ideas that are like, not like based on love or interest
or passion, but, this is so stupid,
they're based on being a billionaire, OK?
Billi Club, as you like to call it.
It's not about you, it's all about myself.
It's all about validating myself and finding a place for me.
That's the whole thing about this whole tech-ish world.
It's all these promises of finding solutions for your lives
and improving your lives.
Here's the thing.
It's bullshit, it's bullshit.
The whole thing is bullshit, OK?
I have sacrificed my time, my money, my relationships
on complete bullshit.
I literally prostituted myself.
I could give you the pitch for the app, but it was just done
so beautifully by Jerkovsky over there,
who actually just stole the idea together with the host of this whole presentation.
But the truth is, I don't know, maybe I got the idea from them.
I mean, does it really matter? Like a lot of people have the same good ideas.
Ultimately, do you have the power to push through all this bullshit?
And I guess the point is, I'm coming to realize that I don't.
You know, I wish instead of this bullshit app,
I had just spent the time to connect with actual people.
Like wouldn't that have been smarter and simpler,
like really talking to girls?
Ask yourself, is this really what you want to do with your life?
You're running a dog shit company, and you want to insert
yourself into pictures with people who don't want you
there in the first place.
Look [scoffing]...
I don't have that much time left on this stage
-or on this planet. -[audience member] Oh, my God, he's terminal.
But what I would've done was just,
I should've just been honest.
I should've just done this earlier.
And then that way I really could have connected to you.
[audience member] It's Pornknob.
[audience laughing]
[Eric] Oh.
OK, let's be honest, this is no filter.
This is my screen from last night.
That's me putting up my ShitKicker campaign for my music.
That's really what I want to do. It's crap music, no one's ever gonna listen to it.
It doesn't matter, it's what I love.
It's like Jeanine said, that's where my heart is.
That's where my heart is.
Oh, yeah, and Pornknob. So, let's be honest,
I was looking at pornography last night.
But you know what? By show of hands, how many people here
were looking at pornography between the hours of midnight
and five a.m. last night, huh?
Yes. See, can we just be honest, can we, yes!
Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
This is it, this is radical honesty, people.
This is awesome, come on, people, we can connect, feel, be honest.
Connection, that's what I'm talking about, people, yes!
Connect, you can connect!
That's why we will Connect2U!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Eric] Yeah!
[Chet] Hey, hey, do you do weddings, bar mitzvahs?
OK, we're gonna let our judges mingle, and we'll be back
with the grand prize winner in one minute.
That was amazing.
Uh, you just saved my life for five minutes.
You did that.
Look, I have to tell the truth.
You're in deep shit, I know, Vipin told me.
Look, you'll find a way out of this, OK?
Ladies and gentlemen, we're ready to announce the grand prize winner
of this year's Startup Olympics.
Drum roll.
Tok2Me!
Tok2Me, people!
-[Dick] Yeah! -Yes, you can clap.
And some bonus news. Dirk Von Dyke has offered
to match our equity contribution
to the tune of a grand prize of one million dollars
in equity funding for Tok2Me.
Thank you so much everyone for making this day so special.
PerkiledgeCapital.com.
God, shit, shit, stupid wheelchair access.
[Vince] Gentlemen, this is my father.
Gentlemen, Vin tells me that you won everybody
over with your speech, congrats.
But you didn't win.
Am I correct in thinking that you can't do good on your loan today?
That's correct, sir.
Vito, I'm the financier.
Vince, I'm trying to teach him the business, he's my gadgets guy.
I don't understand how I'm gonna make money on that app.
What I do know is your father owns the building next door.
I'd like to finally get my hands on it.
Vince, this is a secured loan.
You don't lend money to people with no credit.
Always back it up with an asset, huh?
And that's why I wanted you personally to come here
and explain to me how, if not that way, am I gonna make
a lot of money on this incredible invention of yours.
So, elevator pitch, no pressure.
[Eric] Connect2U is the app of connection
-in the augmented reality era. -[Jeffrey] He has no idea what he wants to do.
[Raj] You're CEO, hustle, playa. I did not sell it, it was a loan.
[Jeffrey] I thought this was a convertible loan. Convertible loan, convertible loan.
Two words, convertible loan.
I'm gonna level with you, Vito.
This is not an incredible invention.
This is an app like millions of others.
Some of them are successes, most don't even come close.
Odds are this isn't going to be downloaded by more than 100 people.
But let me tell you why we're going to strike a deal right now
and we're going to walk out of here the same way we walked in.
You're not going to get your investment back from Connect2U,
but what you will get is the ultimate front.
You're taking money from your core business,
and you're investing it into your tech venture.
Forgive the loan, take the company,
and enjoy the losses for years to come.
Me, I want a write-off that brings in cash.
How's you're app going to bring cash, huh?
You like cash?
How about geocache?
We built an app that allows people
to go on anonymous scavenger hunts.
That means pick-ups and drop-offs untraceable,
and you can exchange virtual currency on the platform.
This is called geocaching.
That's what I've been talking about, Pa.
Think about what we can use this for.
It's like having our own private phone company.
Untraceable pick-ups and drop-offs.
For my dumbest kid you're a freakin' genius.
Moah! Bello di Papa.
It's a pleasure to see the three of you do crime together,
and in your own generation. Gentlemen, a pleasure.
I assume you understand the non-disclosure agreement.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That was a pretty good show tonight. Your mother showed me your video.
I didn't know you could speak like that, it was good.
You've got balls, Son.
Thanks, Dad.
Wait, what video?
You're a star, it's a virus video.
Yeah. Hey, Vipin, can you get some more SEO juice on awkward?
Can't wait to see how much he can boost this.
[chuckles] That's what she had said.
[laughing]
You just hit 300K.
Awesome.
Well, it's about time.
-Oh. -¶ Happy birthday to you ¶
¶ Happy birthday to you ¶
¶ Happy birthday dear Eric ¶
¶ Happy birthday to you ¶
[Jeanine] Yay!
[rhythmic guitar music]
[rhythmic band music]