Hello, Helen... I' d almost forgotten you work here
I know, I know, you'd almost forgotten I work here...
but I swear I was up all night toying with ideas for the fashion show...
...and I've really hit on something. You see...
What?
I took four bottles of vodka on Friday, it was my birthday, you know that
I was having a party and I was running late, so I borrowed some
I bought some more to replace it
Not a lot of use to me when I had nothing to offer the executives
who dropped by late Friday
Off the top of my head, you could have told them you'd run out
It's, it's popular stuff
Bullshit, bullshit... We're in PR. That's what we do, isn't it?
But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?
No
So I'm out... am I?
Well, this is just perfect
Congratulations. You've wanted me out for ages, now you've done it.
Very well done
For theft. Pretty foolproof
Okay, I'll go... I'll go
I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place
Best I get out before I start growing a penis
Oh! Told you... lesbian
I really didn't think it'd be so easy to crack, did you?
No Oops
Thank you
District Line information. Due to a derailment at Victoria...
...District Line trains are subject to extensive delay
We suggest you find alternative means of transport
Are you all right, love? Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut
Might need a couple of stitches... Come on
Oh-oh... Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?
What?
'Elastic Thrombosis'. They're guilty of lyric poaching
They're Beatles' lyrics, aren't they?
I don't know, sorry
Of course you do. Come on, everyone is born knowing all
the Beatles' lyrics instinctively
They're passed into the foetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff
In fact, they should be called 'The Foetles'
Not a fan, clearly
It's funny the way nobody talks on the tubes, isn't it?
I mean, I rarely catch the tube myself but, er... or lifts
Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why is that?
Perhaps we think everyone else in the tube or the lift
is a potential psychopath or a drunk...
...so we close down and pretend to... read a book or something
You've got a terrible tea stain on your book
Look, I don't think you're a psychopath. I just want to read my book
I, I understand. I apologise
I'm in a little bit of a good mood today as a matter of fact so I'll just
...sorry
Have we met before?
No, no, honestly, honestly, I'm, you... you seem familiar
I don't think so
Yes... Yes, you were in the lift just now
You dropped your earring, I picked it up
Oh yes, you did... Thank you
Pleasure
Do you work there?
I did do but I've just been fired. Okay?
Oh no, that's... that's horrible, I'm sorry
It's okay, you didn't do it
I thank you for your concern and glad you're in a good mood, et cetera
I thank you for picking up my earring but... I just want to read my book
Well, I get off at this stop. I'm only telling you in case
you get off at this stop, too...
...and you get up before me and then I get up and you think
I'm following you which I'm not
I mean, I wouldn't. I mean...
...you know
I really didn't mean any offence. Please forgive me
I'm really not a nutcase... I apologise
Excuse me. Um, I'm sorry
I, I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a psycho or anything, it's just that, um
...I'm not, I'm not that good at, um... you know, um...
Constructing sentences?
Anyway...
I'm James
Helen
I never figured out why we didn't make it, Gerry
You went back to America, remember? I couldn't afford the bus fares
I came back though
Turn my back for three lousy years and you callously ditch me for another woman
Mmm, I know, I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous
I live with someone. A man. I live with a man
Really?
Mmm! I have people consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much
And what would he say if he knew you were walking up from the tube in broad daylight
...with a complete stranger? Mmm, big deal
Well, it was nice to meet you, Helen... Sorry about your job, really
I suppose being a Gemini can have its down sides
Hey, remember what the Monty Python boys say?
What..."Always look on the bright side of life"?
No..."Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"
What?
I didn't think you liked Elton John
I, I do, I do sometimes
You really shouldn't just stop like that. Set a woman back three days
doing a thing like that
Who is she?
She's Lydia
Well, I've had a dreadful day
I got sacked. And so did you it would seem
Cup of tea?
That'd be nice
You bastard! You bastard!
You useless shagging bastard!
I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva
I am working all hours to support you while you are supposedly writing your first novel
How long? Huh?
Do you love her?
No, don't tell me, I'm not interested
I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am
Look, er... Iook...
Hello? Helen? Is that you?
No, it's your bit of stuff. Wednesday... shag day, remember?
Have you just got up, you lazy git?
Er, no. Er... well I, er...
...I didn't sleep that well last night and then, er...
you know when you left I kind of... I went into a really, er...
...a really, really deep, deep, er, deep, deep sleep
And, er... I think I might be, er, coming, coming down with, er... anyway, er
...what are you doing home at this time of...
Oh my God, what happened to you?
Well, it depends. Which story do you want first?
What?
Well... I got mugged. And...
What are you doing?
I can't stand Elton John. You know that
Well, anyway... listen, tell me...
...what happened? What happened to your head?
Well, I got mugged and sacked only not in that order
Although it wasn't an actual mugging, it was only an attempted mugging
according to the policeman...
...because they didn't...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a sec, wait a sec.
Come here... Come here
Now sit down. Just sit here. Okay?
Now... now you're in shock, darling, okay. You've had a bit of
a little bit of a shock. Okay? Now just relax
Um... do you want a brandy?
It's four in the afternoon
Of course it is... sorry
Gerry!
Are you okay?
Me? I'm fine... Um, I'm fine. I'm just... No, anyway, anyway
Tell, tell, tell me what happened
And I just couldn't help thinking...
if I had just caught that bloody train it would never have happened
I'd have been home ages ago
Oh, well, you don't want to go wondering about things like that
You know, um,'if only this', and 'what if that'. I mean...
It's done now
Come on
Follow
Splash
I'm going to take you out...
and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch and then...
Dry Thank you
Um, and then follow, follow, follow, follow, follow...
and then when you've sung all your favourite Barbra Streisand songs
at the top of your voice...
and got us slung out of the pub...
Ah, here we are. Yeah, put this on
I'm going to let you have intimate carnal knowledge of a Lamb Passanda
...which I know your diet does not allow, with a...
...double Tarka Dahl which you can then, er...
...puke up all over the, er... pristine doorstep of Herr
and Frau Goebbels next door and...
I'll help you
Oh, I love you, Gerry
Gerry! She's not here!
Anna, you're Helen's best friend. I mean, where else would she be?
Come in and search the place if you want. She's not here, Gerry
What is it you've done anyway? It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you
Okay, look, I, I'm sorry. Look, if she comes here...
...just let me know or, or get her to ring me or, or something
That's all I ask
Like you say, Gerry, I'm Helen's best friend
If she comes here I'll do what she asks
Well, she's got a point... You can't stand Elton John
Russell, forget about Elton John. That's not the issue. What do I do?
Gerry...
you've been telling me for weeks you couldn't hack it juggling
between Helen and Lydia...
...and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again
I know
And you didn't think you were cut out for infidelity
I know
But you couldn't end it with Lydia, 'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it
And I told you that something if you remember my words,
something 'ungoverned by you' would happen...
...to bring the situation to a head
And... something has
It's not funny actually, Russell
No, I'm sorry, old man... I beg to differ
It is funny. It's very, very, very funny
And look at you, it's not as though you're rushing frantically
about the place trying to find her
I went to Anna's. She wasn't there
Oh, you went to Anna's. Boy, you're a one man SAS crack unit
You want my opinion?
Will I like it?
Well, of course not... It'll be based on reality
No, no, no. You don't advertise a new restaurant. It's very uncool
It's word of mouth... People talk
And how do these people who talk know where you are so that they can talk about you?
Hey, listen, it's your restaurant, Clive. I just want it to work
Helen
Hello, James. Rather annoying chatty bloke on the tube
Oh yes, hi
You look all stressed up with nowhere to go
It's only a job, you'll get another one
No, it's something else, isn't it?
You know sometimes it helps to just say whatever it is out loud
Of course it also helps if people just mind their own business
and leave you alone. I'm sorry
When I left you at the tube earlier, I went home and found my boyfriend...
...in bed with another woman. Shit!
Oh, I'm sorry. It's... I mean, what an idiot
It's okay, you weren't to know
No, not me, your boyfriend. He's an idiot
Sorry, it's not my place
It's okay
Well, look, if it makes you feel any better, you see that bloke over there?
Not only does he own a personalised matching set of crocodile skin luggage...
...but his favourite TV programme is'Baywatch'
So you see there's always someone sadder than you
Do you love him?
No, I could never love a 'Baywatch' fan
Hey, you did a joke in the midst of your turbulent emotional state
That's very positive
Listen, you decide you want company we're over here... Okay?
I'm really sorry, Helen
Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please...
...and a large Jack Daniels with ice, and I'll have the same
You're behind. Can we have another?
Fifteen?
Gerry came looking for you
Is it what I think?
Depends
Is what you think that I walked in on him shagging 'Lydia' in my bed and I walked out?
Pretty much
Then, yes
Oh, hold up... hold up
This morning was sensational
Oh, I can't... sorry, I can't hear you
I can't hear you
Gerry, can you hear me?
Didn't know it was on
Ready, steady, go!
I'll see you, Clive
Who's that?
My friend
Come on, you... Let's get you home. You drunken eejit
And again
Come along
Can I give you a lift anywhere?
Er... yeah. That, that'll be great, thank you
Oh, hands up if you drank too much, eh?
Hey... I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am
Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight
Um, 9 Menlove Avenue. Thanks a lot
French bean, some chicken, some rice...
...one more little Indian
No. Oh, come on. Really, I'll be sick
Well, we're on schedule for that but we've gotta move location...
...so just don't swallow for ten minutes
He didn't fancy me
He, he offered us a lift. He was just being concerned
Uh-huh... Well let me tell you, if he was being that concerned about me
...I wouldn't be helping you into bed right now
Am lin bed?
Yes... You're staying with me for a while
Don't worry... You'll be fine
Just fine
There we go. There we go
Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead?
You have two head problems
One: That was close... Very close
Put in layman's terms... she nearly caught you
And two... and this is far more worrying than the first one
You're talking to yourself in the mirror again
Really bad sign
No, bigger sip... big, bigger sip. Bigger sip... Don't throw up all over me
There are no PR jobs
I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry
What you need is a change of image
Er, you know that goes back like and then like I don't know sort of comes like slant
No, no... That's for you, sir
Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up 'mad cow' burgers in here, eh?
Well now then, let me see
I get up about seven thirty a. M...
...make and deliver sandwiches in the West End during the day...
...before I come here about six o' clock and finish at midnight
After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job
Would you like some mayonnaise with that?
You don't mean that
I do... Really
So... you were together two and a half years, and...
...you've been sitting here like suicide on a stick for a week
Nine days, Anna
But bollocks to him?
Yes. I mean why hasn't he even called to see if I'm okay to admit that he's a twat?
"Hello, Helen, it's Gerry
I'm a twat. Please come home, I love you. " All that shit
Oh, I don't care anyway Bollocks to him. I'm over him
Oh... you're over him
Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him
No, you're not
I am
You're not
Anna, I'm over him. What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?
Well, two things really
One: You're still counting how long you've been apart in days...
...and probably hours and minutes
But... the big flashing red light way of telling you're not really over someone
...is when you're still reading their horoscope...
in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident
Smart arse
What is he?
A wanker
Oh, Aries
Aries. Aries
Well... just shows how much I know
With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy... you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident
...and Helen says bollocks to you This guy's very good
You go. No, I will. No, you
I'm not in, I'm out. You don't know where or who with
Specially who with
Quickly, go on
I am not answering the door like this
Anna, please, you have to. It won't be him anyway
So there's no big deal, is there?
Bollocks to him
Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him
Bollocks to him
Come on. You don't drink your fatty drinks, you'll never really achieve quality cellulite
Haircut suits you by the way. No, it does. It does, no gag
Never make a joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles, page one
Look, James, maybe I shouldn't be here
I'm sorry, I'm not being fair
You know, under normal... circumstances, et cetera... you're really nice... and funny
My friend Anna thinks you're cute
Wait, hold, hold
Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?!
Shit, I just blew, wait...
Two eighty-five, two eighty-five on the wrong girl
Helen, listen...
sometimes we are plonked into people's lives when they just need to be cheered up and reassured
...and it turns out that for some reason it's your job
We don't know why. In your case it's my job
But I'll be honest...
the fact that I find you... moderately attractive just makes the job easier on my part
My intentions are completely honourable I have no desire to overstep the mark, seriously
D'you prefer diamonds or sapphires?
Sorry, nothing
'Moderately attractive'?
Uh-huh, I knew you were listening
Well, you know, lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth, I could get you an upgrade
So... having firml y established the ground rules...
...what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?
Probably killing myself
Excellent. What time does that finish?
Do you like boats?
D'you know we haven't done that for two months
Don't be daft
Two months... Almost to the day
Almost to the day? Listen to you what are we, a survey?
Gerry...
...how did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses get into the laundry basket?
To the where?
The laundry basket
I don't know. Can I answer questions on 70s pop music?
Last week, when I got the sack and I came back, am I going mad?
But there was a bottle of brandy and two glasses on the dressing table, wasn't there?
I don't know. I mean, I couldn't really say
Well, there were, I'm sure
Oh, hang on, no, wait a minute. No, I, no, I could say
There was a bottle and one glass because if you...
No, I'm certain there were two glasses, Gerry
Helen, I'm... not sure I like where this conversation is going
I, I told you, I couldn't sleep so I got up in the night...
to get a drink to knock myself out It was still there
in the afternoon when you got home
I mean you had also, that day if, if you remember had taken a blow
to the, the, the, the head
We'd just had a party
Maybe one of y our mad friends like Anna threw it there
I mean, Jesus
Let's, let's spoil the moment properly, shall we?
What are you trying to say?
Am I shagging a brandy drinker? Yes
Gerry, ease up, will you, for Christ's sake. I'm only asking
Oh, no, women never ask. No, they don't ask, they insinuate
And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add, that I am...
Thanks
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, thank you, thanks
I mean... I mean thank you... thank you
I mean this, you know, this, this is the... this is the right time,
isn't it, to address our, our relationship, isn't it?
I mean, it's, it's, it's perfect. Perfect moment
Gerry, for God's sakes, I asked a simple question
There's no need to become Woody Allen
Thanks, James. I'm sorry if you had a lousy time
Are you kidding?
In my book getting to drink two chocolate milkshakes
in the one sitting represents social splendour
It's one of the perks of being shallow
Take care, Helen. You'll be fine
Thank you very much
It's amazing how you can actually learn to despise inanimate objects...
...like tin openers that don't open tins...
...egg mayonnaise and skipjack tuna
Are you going out?
Yeah. I was just writing you a note
I'm off to the library. I have some stuff to read up on
Okay
Yeah, well... I won't be more than a couple of hours
Would you rather I didn't go?
Oh no, no, of course not. Go
Okay, bye
Lydia, what are you talking about? She followed me
I said I was going to the library...
...so I've come to the library, for God's sake!
Of course I can't come now, I mean what if she's still lurking
or waiting round the corner or something?
Lydia, I don't know why she followed me.
I'm not a sleuth! I have taken two hours off work, Gerry...
Oh, look, look, please. No, okay, please don't get hysterical
Don't get hysterical. Look, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry
I've booked a hotel in Dorset. Are we still going?
Do you wanna cancel it? I mean, is, is she gonna follow us there?
Do you wanna end this Gerry because I am...
Yes, I, I, I mean no. I, I mean, no, I, I don't want
Of course we're still going. I don't... don't, don't...
Don't, don't, don't, don't what?
I don't know
Look... we're going to dorset, okay. We're going to have a great time... and, er
...I'll talk to you tomorrow
Right, that's the lot. You don't live there anymore
Thanks for going again, Anna
Any evidence of 'her'?
Nothing that stood out
Hello?
Hi, it's James. Is Helen there?
Helen
It's James
Hello?
Yes, 'tonight' tonight, you know the tonight that comes immediately after today
He wants to go out tonight
Go
Please come, it'll be a laugh
Um... okay
See you
Okay?
She doesn't wanna leave here
I know
She's really frail, James. Do you want me to postpone my trip?
There's another course later in the year
It's only a couple of weeks. You should go
Are you sure? It's not that important
It is important. I want you to go
Okay
It's going to be hard to leave this place, James, but...
But you've still got the London flat
You'll be nearer the hospital and you can get much better crack in twon
Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say...
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition", I know
Exactly
...sorry, let me just...
...Lydia's becoming more and more demanding...
and you, you feel bad because Helen's working night and
day to keep the money coming in
But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you...
knowing that she wouldn't be able to... to cover up the fact...
that you're really taking Lydia And, and despite the fact that...
Lydia gave you an 'out' on the phone, which you didn't take...
...you are having a moral dilemma
Gerry... you are a morality free zone
If I had no morals, would I be discussing it?
Whose idea was this trip... yours or Lydia's?
You wanna get out of this Lydia thing
I foresee problems
And I wouldn't mind betting you're talking to yourself in the mirror again
Very bad sign
You've no compassion... None
Why do I bother confiding in you?
I'm your mate. I'm here to help you
I'm here to help you
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise
Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise
Our two, two chief weapons are surprise and fear
And a ruthless efficiency. Our three...
...three main weapons are fear, surprise and a ruthless efficiency
I'll come in again
Here we go
Pass me your plate
How do you do, Nigel? Very nice to meet you
You all right?
I am deadly serious
Oh, just set up my own PR company?
Yeah, well, why not?
You've got the experience... the know-how, the contacts
You want to spend the rest of your life working for other people?
Hey, what's the worst that could possibly happen?
Um, I could fail miserably and look like a complete tosser
Exactly, so what is there to worry about?
I had a really nice time, James
Did you? Oh, shit. Sorry, that's against the rules, isn't it?
Yes, it is, so just bear that in mind in the future, would you?
I'm getting over a major break-up
Yeah, sorry... Won't happen again
Goodnight, Helen
Hey... you know everything happens for the best
You'll never know if you don't try
Wear something warm on Saturday... Can get cold on the river
Take care
So, what other ideas has James run by you?
Anna, don't do that. Don't do 'desperate mother' acting with me
He's a friend. Okay? A friend
not remotely in him No
So how come last night was the first night since you've been here... you didn't ask
if anyone had called the second you walked in the door?
You're sorry?
You're sorry that four of the staff here have been cut down... with food poisoning
after eating your sandwiches?
And before you speak, yes...
...they all had the same sandwiches and the same symptoms at the same time
Are you trained in the catering trade, may I ask?
No, actually I worked in PR but I...
Well, you're not doing a particularly good PR job this morning, are you?
Luckily for you I've convinced my colleagues not to take the matter any further
This time
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have five people's work to do
Sorry?
Helen has been delivering sandwiches to your office?
Yes... And today I had reason to summon her
Well I made up a reason, to be brutally honest
She's quite pretty in a British horsey sort of way, isn't she?
Lydia... what are you playing at?
Have you gone raving mad? She's not bloody stupid, you know
I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like
Now, now, now, now wait a sec. Now I did not ditch you for...
I mean, you went back to America for...
I wanted to see what this girl you seem to have no intention of leaving...
despite the occasional pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are...
...has that is so unleavable
And I have to say that I ended our brief meeting at a bit of a loss
Now, Lydia, don't talk like this. Now it sounds ugly
Now I've told you before, I cannot leave Helen for... for...
you know
For me?
Is that what you're trying say?
You can't leave her for me?
Well, you haven't said you wanted that, have you?
Gerry, I'm a woman
We don't say what we want.
But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it
That's what makes us so fascinating
And not a little bit scary
Hello?
Ah, Gerald Flannigan, at last
This is your kindly Uncle Russell here
Listen...
...wherever you were tonight as if we need to ask, you weren't with me
Helen called here looking for you
Okay
Yeah, all right
Okay, thanks, mate. Bye
Oh, thank God, I was so worried. Where have you been?
I went to Anna's. I needed to see a friendly face
I've had a horrible day
I met Cruella de Ville's less nice sister this morning...
...she completely deflated me
I know
How do you know?
Oh, no, I mean I can tell. Jesus, you look terrible
Where were you earlier? I really needed to talk to you
Oh, I had some stuff to read up on so I went to the library
God, you're always at the library
I'm sich of waiting on tables
I know when you finish the book we'll be millionaires but...
...when are you going to finish it?
I'm going to finish it very soon, Helen
Very soon
Helen, there's something I want to tell you
I need to tell you
Er... it's a little bit to do with the... brandy glass and, er...
...a little bit to do with that woman... you met today
Only... please let me finish before you say anything
Okay?
Helen?
Bollocks
Come on, James!
Come on, come on!
That's really weird
I knew there'd be a boat race going by with purple and white shirts
Sorry?
Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?
He has... I've got to work
Anyway it'll be good for him to get away. We need a bit of space
Anna, can I ask you a daft question?
Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?
Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do. It was almost certainly me
Are you okay?
Just going quietly mad
Thank God for that. I was worried
Faster
And to my left...
And to my right...
And with my left...
And with my right...
And with the 'head'...
Father Abraham 'head' had seven sons, head', '�head'
Seven sons had Father Abraham 'head'
Are you sure it's just writer's block?
I mean, you seem so distant
I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything
Hey, that's Helen in there
Look, she's got blonde hair
There's loads of them... having some kind of sponsored epileptic fit
Lydia
Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry
Maybe it's Helen block
I don't want to hear about Helen. I don't care about Helen
The trouble is... you do quite clearly
I just thought of a great finish for your book!
The End!
Yes, you are, Clive
He's opening his first restaurant in six days...
...and he's completely disorganised
Well, you know at my old company we had 'wars ' getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open
You did Pierre Claude?
Mmm Er, he's my hero. You did his launch?
Well I heard that was a really classy do. People went on about it
I mean, six days is...
...could I come down and take a look?
I can't promise anything stupendous
Sure, yeah. Yeah, no problem... You're kidding?
Yeah, come down
Pierre Claude? Oh, wow!
You're very thoughtful, James. You give out an incredible amount
Oh, you're the same. You encouraged me today
I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing
Spurred me on
I love this bridge. My great grandfather helped to build it
I often come and... stand on it when I want to, um...
Build a bridge?
I'm sorry
Oh God, James, don't
Oh... I'm sorry. I, I...
...I know this is an ideal sort of kissing moment...
...you know, night, moon, boat, water lapping...
...you know, it's, um... i t's perfect and I'm...
...I'm not feeling that it would be nice...
...but I don't really know anything about you and I'm...
...I'm still on the rebound
Oh God, I hate that word but I am
Ah, who isn't? Everyone is
I'm on the rebound myself... in a way...
So, who are you on the rebound from?
A girl called Pamela
My whole life pivots around. Pam and I breaking up
When was that?
1973, we were eight
I bloody loved that woman
No warning, just up gone... left me for somebody else
Who?
Gary Glitter! The cow
Gary Glitter, for crying out loud!
I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy or...
I could have come to terms with that, given time
But Gary. Oh she wanted to 'touch him there, yeah'
You know?
Well, I went to pieces as you can imagine
And there was no 'junior Prozac' to see me through so...
So I, er, I, um...
I kissed you
Yeah, yeah, I spotted that too
You weren't gonna do that
Um, hmm... would you mind, um... just putting that down to
a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?
Is that what it was?
No
Y-yes, I don't... Oh, help
I, I don't want to be a confusion in your life, Helen. I don't truly
But something's happened to me since I've met you and...
...that I wasn't expecting and... and I don't really...
...well, well wasn't expecting
Repetition of expecting. Must buy a thesaurus
Anyway, I...
You did remember to take a full page ad in 'Adulterer's Weekly'? Jesus!
Lydia, get in the car, will you?
How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?
He didn't even pay the bill? Of course not. What do you think?
Um I'm, I'm just... Would you excuse me, please? I've just remembered I, I'm...
What do you mean you want to see me?
Jesus Christ, Gerry, what... How did you get in?
One of the waiters is, is a, a friend of Russell's
He got me a ticket. It's a great do, Helen
I, I hear your company's really taken off...
Gerry, you can't just turn up like this
This is a really important nights for me
Yes, I can, Helen
I can 'just turn up'. It, it's the most important 'just turn up' I've ever done
Oh God. We, we can't talk in here
We've been through too much just to drop this. Haven't we? Surely
Helen...
...please, look at me
I'm sorry
Really sorry
You're too good not to fight for. The last...
Oh God, Gerry, don't talk about fight. I...
Good looking bloke
Are you seeing him? Er...
I, I'm sorry, it's not my place to ask
Is that him?
Guess so
Does she know about Claudia?
No
I really like her, Clive
I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly
Gerry, I really have to go back inside
Will you come and see me, Helen?
Please, Helen, there's so much more I want to say. I miss you
Will you come and see me?
Please, Helen
I'll go.
Thanks for listening. I...
...I'm really proud of you
Are you okay?
Yes. Just a bit dizzy
Too much champagne
Oh, sorry
Bye now
Hey... It's official... I love you
Thank you. You're... you're a genius. I'm ecstatic
Have you, er, have you seen James?
Yeah. Yeah, he had to go... early start. He apologised
Business trip... Newcastle or something. I didn't want to pry
His secretary wasn't very forthcoming
D'you believe he's away?
Don't know
Or do you think he's just avoiding you?
I don't know
Did you leave a message?
No
D'you think maybe you should have? Did he actually see Gerry kiss you?
I don't know
D'you think he might be hoping you've called and not known that you have?
I mean... did you not check if he has a mobile?
Anna! Ease up, will you? Bloody hell!
They have less questions than this on 'Jeopardy'
I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone. I felt awkward
Well, it's such a piddly little thing. It's hardly worth him getting up tight about
Oh, Gerry called by the way
Terrific. That's just...
Two months ago I want Gerry to come round, James comes round
Now I want James to call, Gerry calls
It was the weirdest dream. You were there
And you had a funny mask over your face...
...and you had something that you needed to tell me but you couldn't say it
Well that does it, I'm afraid. I'm, er, taking away your class one drugs for a week
Anyway... um... there's something else I wanted to tell you
I fainted at work the other night
Oh, sweetheart. Are you okay?
Yes, but I don't normally faint so I, um...
What was that?
I don't know. The people next door are plainly engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual
I may pop in later and introduce myself
What were you saying?
Anyway...
...I don't normally faint so I was a little curious...
Oh shit...
...I stubbed my foot on the side of the shagging bath
God, sounds horrific
I know
Ssshhh! Anyway...
Listen, there, there's the landlady.
She keeps coming up with these, er... corned beef sandwiches
Look I, I'll phone you back when, er, world war twelve has stopped for tea. Okay
Okay, bye
So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant
I just though you might like to know
Have you gone completely insane?
What are you trying to do?
What do you mean 'what am I trying to do'? I think I've broke my toe
Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen, for goodness sake
In case you've forgotten, she doesn't know you're here
She thinks I'm on a research trip... along. Remember?
I remeber
Don't worry, I remeber. It's pretty hard to forget
So what are you trying to do? Huh?!
Coming in here... screeching the place down when I'm on the phone
Don't you know, Gerry?
Don't you know what I am trying to do?!
I am trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry
I am trying to win you back!
It's fairly simple. I am standing on the platform at Limbo Central...
...with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase...
...waiting for the Gerry fucking Express to roll in...
...and tell me that my ticket is still valid, that I may reboard the train
Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed
...as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City!
"We suggest you take the bus!"
That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!
Except it's quite clear...
...that that is never going to happen
Is it?
No reply
Perfect
So I... I'm not waiting any more, Gerry
I am cashing my ticket in. I am taking that bus
Oh God...
I tell all my friends "never go back"
Look at me, I must be crazy
Don't phone me for a while
Ow! Oh! No... don't phone me at all!
Ever!
It's over!
Again!
I've done it, Russell. I've bloody done it!
EXcellent. Congratulations. Done what?
I've finished it
Oh, the book... Oh well, great, mate, that's great
Not the book, not the book, Russell
I'm a novelist, I'm never gonna finish the book...
The affair!
The sordid affair with Lydia
I've blown her out... in Dorset
I was decisive but fair
I've just got back
Oh God, I feel like I've got out of jail
No more deceit, no more I ying to Helen. It was such a mistake
"Never go back", Russell. But it's over
God, I can't tell you it's such a good feeling
Well, I'm, I'm very pleased. How does she feel about it, Lydia?
Well, you know, she's not jumping through hoops obviously, I mean...
...but, but it's the best thing by far. By far and away the best thing
I mean she, she knows that. I mean, she will do when she...
well, she was upsel I mean bit farught, you know... obviously
Oh God, oh God, oh God, I feel good
I've got to go home. I wanna be home before Helen comes back from work
Er, no
Because you never buy me flowers when you're meant to...
...let alone when you're not meant to
So, yes, I'm a little suspicious
I want to know what else you've been doing that you're not meant to
Wait, hang on
Let me get this straight 'cause this is just about brilliant
I buy you flowers on a whim in a...
in a, in a fit of, of, of, um, of romance but...
See... you couldn't even think of the word
But instead of being, of being grateful, instead of being 'romanced'...
...you're instantly convinced that I'm ensconced in some decrepit tacky,
underhand clandestine affair!
In a nutshell
Gerry?
Are you back?
I missed you so I came home early to see you
God
What are they?
Well they're flowers
For you. Um...
...d'you not like them?
That image of her sitting on top of you, oh God, I...
...I, I really don't know why I agreed to come
Please stop, Gerry, don't, I, I don't want you to touch me
I'm, I'm sorry. Um, um, don't go
Please try and... put her out of your mind
She's, she's out of mine
It's finished... over
I made a mistake. Such a big... big mistake and I'm sorry
I'm truly, truly sorry
I mean this new bloke, this James Hammerton that you're seeing...
...does he not make mistakes?
How do y ouknow his name?
A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant
They're... mutual friends. I... I mean, it's not especially important
Well I don't want to talk about James Hammerton or anyone else. I have to go
Oh, by the, by the way I've, er...
...I've stopped writing the book
Helen... the truth is I can't write without you
I can't do anything without you
I want you to come back to me, Helen
We were so good together
Remeber, remember how good we are together?
Sorry... Just wait
Yeah?
I'm late, Gerry... Four days. I'm never late
Oh, Russell. Er, look, hi
Er, look, mate. Look, er, can I ring you back in a few minutes, yeah?
Yeah... Yeah, okay. Okay. Thanks, mate, cheers. Bye
It's, er... Russell
I'm, I'm dying for the loo
Telephone number 01714443184
To return the call press three
Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that
What's going on?
Gerry, answer me. Who's there?
It's Helen actually. We met once
I interrupted you faking your orgasm
Sorry I can't be more specific
You know what I was thinking?
You're not going, are you?
You wanker. You sad, sad wonker
God, I feel like such a mug!
The useless, no good...
...shagging, horrible, despicable, I ying...
...two-faced pissing, shagging...
You said shagging
You know the worst bit?
All I could think about was James
I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there
That sounds like the best bit. And you were
He didn't call, did he?
That's nearly a week
I think I've blown it. I've blown it, haven't I?
I blame British Telecom. All this new technology
This number if you want to know who called...
...another one if you don't want them to know you called...
...itemised bills, take away the first number you thought of
I mean they are single-handedly condemning the average red-blooded Englishman...
...to a life of terminal monogamy
What are they after? The Nobel Peace Prize?
And Lydia might be pregnant
Oh no more, please... I can't take it
Oh this is terrific stuff
I must say, being with you makes the wait for the next episode of
'Seinfeld' much easier to bear
I didn't reckon on things turning out this way
Everything's a cock up. What's going on?
Well... to use boxing parlance, if I may... it's quite simple
You've just lost
Are you sure? You've been a bit...
...I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back
I know
Well, okay... there are a couple of things.
Which one do you want to hear first?
I don't mind
Well the 'small'thing is that I've got an interview for a job
A PR job, a proper one
International company opening up in London
Chairwoman herself called, said she had heard a lot about me and...
she's invited me to her apartment tomorrow evening for a serious chat
Jesus Christ!
What?
Jesus Christ, I mean that's... that's not a small thing, that's... that's huge
I mean it's... I mean it's... it's brilliant. I mean that's the best
Is the blind buggered again?
No. Er... no
Well, I...
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, I'm fine, darling. My sweetheart, that's great, it's tremendous
I'm thrilled. I'm so thrill...
Hello?
I really need to talk to you
Hi, Russ. How are you?
Come by my apartment tomorrow night at eight. It's important
Ah, really, mate. No, what a drag
Oh no, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure. Sure, sure, yeah
Yeah, yeah, I'll help you
Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate. Cheers. Bye
It's Russell's family is descending unannounced
Yeah, he wants me to, er, go round tomorrow evening and,
er... help him clear out, er, his spare room
Er, right. Okay. So...
Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?
Doesn't matter. It's not important
Hammerton Enterprises
Rachael, I'm going out to the shops
Can I get you anything? No thanks
Are you okay?
Yes
Yes. Yes, I'm fine
I just... you know, I go to the shops, just I'll be, um...
Sorry
Hello! Hi. Hi Hi
How... how are you?
I'm... I'm great
Er, how are you?
Sorry, you're great
Business lunch?
Yeah, just a chat, you know
Well my office is just round the corner
I know. Um... I, I, I thought you were away on business
Yeah, I was. I just, I, um, got back last night as a matter of, er
Helen, look, please don't think that I, that I...
Ah... it's okay, I... I haven't thought
I mean I, I, I didn't think that or not
No, I mean... don't think that I have not called you
I haven't 'not' called you
I mean, I don't... I don't mean I haven't 'not' called you
because that's a double negative...
...so as to say that I 'have' called you
When did you call?
Er, well I, I didn't
But I... I didn't 'not' call you in the way that you might think I didn't call you
Oh dear
I wanted to call you
I even did that dial all but the last number thing and then not, er...
It's... ridiculous behaviour
Totally
You see, I... I thought you still had to deal with, with your other, er...
Gerry?!
Well I don't know, is that... yeah, if...
And I thought it was best if I allowed youto...
Gerry is why you haven't called me?
Well, after Clive's party I didn't want to just presume that you'd, that we had
You think I just go to bed with all successful oarsmen that I come across?
Sorry, nervous humour
Well I hoped not
Sorry, excuse me
Hello?
Oh, I see. I'll, um...
...I'll come straight away. Okay, thanks
My... mum had to go into hospital
She's had some tests done. The results are through. I should, er, go
Do you want me to come with you?
Yeah, that's really nice of you
Er... well maybe, um...
I don't... she's quite frail and I, and I don't know how she's gonna...
It's okay
but, um... thanks
I'm, er, well some friends are having dinner at Clive's tonight...
...if you're, if you're not doing anything, you want to come along
Well some other time
I'd love to if that's okay
Yeah, yeah. Of course, crikey, it's, it's, it's very, very okay, yeah
But well, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I'll pick you up at eight
Is that a 'will' pick me up, or a 'haven't, not, didn't, might'?
Listen... don't worry about your mum. She'll be okay
Remember Monty Python
Well I'll see you later
Bye
How are you? Yeah, just... you know...
Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?
I haven't told him yet
Never seems to be the right moment somehow
Come on... let's celebrate with a proper drink
Bloody marvellous idea
I really shouldn't in my condition but I'm really going to
What have you got?
Um... brandy
Oh, no, yuk. Makes me vomit
Half day?
James?!
Since last night?
Sorry
You can't tell from one
They can be inaccurate
I bought three packets
Two in a packet, that's six
You can tell from six
What are you gonna do?
Is James Hammerton in?
I'm afraid not
Um, do you know when he's due back?
I'm not sure. He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife
Would you like to leave a message?
What?
Can I take a name and number? Get him to call you
Um... no, thank you
There's something I want you to know
Anna doesn't drink Brandy, Gerry, it makes her vomit
and those glasses were not used at the party
They only come out for special dinners, you know that
Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?
Are you having an affair?
Just tell me yes or no
No, I'm not
Helen, look into my eyes
I am not having an affair
I'm not
Well, I shouldn't have brought this up now, I've got to go to my interview
We'll talk later
Are you going to be here when I get back?
Yes. Of course
Helen... listen
Good luck, okay
Hello
Hi, Anna, is Helen there?
You've got a damned nerve phoning here
What?
Anna, please, just open the door. I don't know what's going on
You dono't know what's going on?
I'll tell you then. She saw you, James, at the hospital. With your wife
You know, the one with the wedding ring
What is it with you bloody men? We're not just here...
Anna, let me see her. I can... She's not here
Where is she?
What's it to you? I don't know
Oh shit, shit. Bollocks
Oh God. You idiot!
Clive, you seen Helen?
No. Why?
Helen!
Helen... Helen, you've made a mistake
Oh, I am such an idiot. Helen, look at me
Listen to me, please
No, you listen! I never want to see you again
I have been throught enough for one year
I stupidly believed that here was a man who was different from 'men '
But it is clear that I made a mistake
Now please... do me a favour and go away!
I am married, Helen, but I am separated
Walk away if you want but take this with you
The woman you saw today was the woman I married three years ago
We separated six months ago and soon we'll be divorced
Nothing aggressive
I didn't tell you before because...
...I don't know why, I... I have wanted to tell you so many times and
...and now you've found out another way I wish I had told y ou
My mother is ill in hospital as you know...
...and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence that we were okay still for my mum
As a favour. She's a very decent woman
Do you have a mum, Helen?
Ten minutes, Lydia
And don't ever turn up at my kitchen window again like that
It's over. You know? You said it yourself
I know. Sorry, I wasn't thinking
I just want to show you something
Oh, Helen...
if we are not gonna be together then let's make sure it's for the right reason
And right now there is no reason, none
there is just confusion and it can be erased in a split second
Get that, would you?
Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling...
Who is it?
Oh, hello again. You're right on time
Is this the truth, James?
Permission to engage the enemy, sir?
Thing is, I can't take the interview just now
I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby
James...
...there's something I have to tell you
I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way, Helen
Er, I really should just phone Anna and tell her I'm okay
Helen
I love you
Helen, wait, please. Wait!
Let me go!
Helen! Helen!
James... are you her husband?
Er... I will be. We're, we're getting married
If I could have a quick word?
Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James
Helen has lost her baby, I'm afraid, Gerry
I'm afraid she's lost her baby
You did know she was pregnant?
Did you know she was pregnant?
She will be okay though, won't she?
She is, she is going to wake up, isn't she, Doctor?
Helen, for some reason I know you can hear me
I'm glad we got things sorted out... tonight
I'm glad you caught the train that day
I am going to make you so happy
I promise
Helen?
Helen!
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me, Helen?
I'm sorry I'm late Ah, no problem
I'm pleased to say your mother's showing some signs of improvement this morning
She's sitting up and she's had a full breakfast
That's great
Helen, I swear...
I'll do anything you want, Helen
Will you?
In that case, I want you to stand up...
...walk over to the door...
...open it... walk through it...
...then close it behind you
Ta-ta, mum
Call us if you have any problems at all
Thank you
You're very fortunate, Helen. You had a lucky escape
Say that again
Thank you
Cheer up. You know what the Monty Python boys say
"Nobody expects the spanish Inquisition"