Female mating preferences...
...vary widely among the different insect species.
What are you watching?
A special I taped on entomological sexual behavior.
It's a little visual aid for my biology term paper.
For others, it is advantageous only for the offspring...
...who ultimately benefit from selective paternity.
How does she know which one she's attracted to? They all look the same.
Instinct.
Unlike people.
-People don't find mates by instinct? -Meaning people go by whatever...
...supermodel the media decides to be this month's perfect human specimen.
I don't need Entertainment Tonight to tell me Drew Barrymore is hot.
Twentieth-century men worship women...
...who look like nutritionally deprived heroin addicts.
In the Renaissance, they liked women who were hefty.
Some cultures like women with bones through their noses...
...and plates in their mouths. It's just the way it goes.
You're reaching.
Maybe there is truth to what you're saying, but you can't tell me...
...that pure animal instinct doesn't have something to do...
...with what kind of guy you're attracted to.
Am I right?
I haven't the slightest idea, Dawson.
So your mom's judging for the Windjammer Days?
Yeah, they'll let me cover it for the station.
So, what are these "Windjammer Days"?
It's this yearly event the yacht club holds. A little pageant.
They try and reel in the last remaining tourists before the town shuts down.
It's a blue-blooded tradition which celebrates...
...the grand achievement of being born rich.
The culmination of which is this asinine formal dinner...
...where some young nubile whose daddy owns the bank...
...is crowned Miss Windjammer.
It's the most archaic display of ageism, racism...
...and sexism known to man.
-They have a swimsuit competition? -I don't think so.
Maybe I could be a guy who warms up the girls before they go on-stage.
It's not a porno, Pacey.
My mother used to enter me in these...
...disgusting "Little Miss" pageants before I was old enough to protest.
Let me guess. You twirled the baton.
-Meaning? -Nothing.
-You should enter. -Yeah.
No, seriously. You're beautiful.
Nobody can dispute that.
I can totally picture you strolling past the judges...
...flashing that million-dollar smile of yours.
Well, I'm afraid that my baton-twirling days are over.
Well, first prize is $5000 and a trip to New York.
Why don't you enter? I'm sure you have inspired ideas...
-...on how to achieve world peace. -World peace is easy.
It's the tap-dancing pumps that I get in trouble with.
It's a skill.
Backhanded insults disguised as compliments.
It's really a novel approach to winning back a woman's affections.
Well, I figured I'd give it a shot. I've tried everything else.
Why don't you just get over it? She has.
I think I have gotten over it. I just....
I don't know. Winning her back has evolved...
...into some sort of bizarre hobby.
-Slow, huh? -As the tourists go, so do the tips.
-That bad? -I'll put it to you this way:
Higher education for me will be no further away...
...than Capeside Community Vocational Institute.
You're smart. You can get a scholarship.
Yeah, but I can't bank on a full one.
Look, Joey...
...now that the proverbial wedge we so fondly refer to...
...as Dawson Leery is no longer between us...
...we could actually be friends.
I know, it's a bizarre concept...
...but we might have more in common...
...than just the boy next door.
Okay.
Or not.
We don't have to, like, wash each other's hair...
...and do each other's nails, do we?
Pacey.
I can't find my pen.
-Thanks. -You okay?
Yeah. Just spent the entire morning with my father telling me I'm...
...a scholastically inept, athletically challenged, underachieving loser.
-I'm fine. -He said that?
He starts on the failing-biology thing...
...then into the skipping-school- to-do-Providence thing.
He forgot the stealing-his-car thing.
Borrowing, stealing-- It's not like I killed anybody.
If I hear, "Why can't you be like your brother, Doug?" one more time...
...my head is going to explode.
You're more than welcome to crash at my house for a few.
Thanks, but I was thinking of something a little more permanent.
Forget about it. Your father's never gonna let you move out of his house.
He told me as soon as I wanna become an emancipated minor...
...I should just show him where he needs to sign.
Check this out.
First and last, 250 a month.
That's Mill Street. Capeside's official tenement.
Well, it beats the Witter family house of horrors, doesn't it?
How are you gonna pay for this roach-infested bachelor pad?
Well, that's the problem, isn't it?
With my video store wage, I can't even afford a two-man tent.
You don't need an assistant for that beauty pageant, do you?
I'm not even getting paid.
The only person making any money off this is Miss Windjammer herself.
Maybe I'll toss my tiara into the ring. You know, a $5000 reward...
...that'd get me into one of those executive bachelor pads downtown.
I'm afraid your ability to relieve yourself standing up...
...has rendered you ineligible.
Once again, sexual discrimination rears its ugly head.
Wouldn't that just piss my dad off?
You know, Joey, you're one of the prettiest girls in the school.
Why is it that every time I give you a compliment...
...you look at me like I'm trying to hit on you?
I don't know, I....
I guess it's just because it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
-Why? -I know I'm not pretty.
-Stop it. -You know, it's funny, Joey, but...
...when I was dating Dawson, I was petrified that any day...
...he'd take the blinders off and realize how gorgeous you are.
Yeah, right.
When guys look at you, they think, "Wow, what a babe."
And when they look at me, they think, "Gee, she's really tall."
I think that you should enter the Miss Windjammer Pageant.
-What drugs are you on? -I'm serious. Look, I'll coach you.
You can easily take that evening gown competition.
The academic part would be a slam-dunk for you, Joey.
Let's not go overboard on this let's-be-friends, female-bonding thing.
You might find that we have fun together.
I wouldn't degrade myself.
One night of your life, $5000, Joey.
I'd say that's a pretty respectable college nest egg, don't you think?
Come on, Miss America.
I feel like I'm about to set the women's movement back 20 years.
If I were you, I'd start filling out those Ivy League applications.
The competition does not look like much.
-This is unconstitutional! -I assure you, Mr. Witter...
...nothing in the U.S. Constitution says that you have the right to enter.
And there's nothing in your rule book that says I can't.
-There must be something, Jack. -I'm telling you--
This is the Miss Windjammer Pageant.
If you have a tendency towards cross-dressing....
What are you doing here?
Pacey is trying to enter the Miss Windjammer Pageant?
Why not?
Last year, Ashlee Elliott successfully sued to join the boys' football team.
It's one of the more intrepid things Pacey's done.
He's blown the gender gap wide open.
Well, I guess we all know what's in it for you, Dan Rather.
Tell me about it.
Before, this was a little mention on the 11:00 news.
Now I actually have a shot at a feature story.
So I see you decided to enter after all.
No. No, I'm just here as a coach.
Who are you coaching?
I'll see you guys later. I'm gonna watch Pacey...
...make an ass out of himself.
Very funny.
What, are you guys doing some kind of exposé for the paper?
Get out. Joey Potter entering a beauty pageant?
-This is classic. -I see.
You think I'm such a barking car-chaser that a D-student...
...with a Julius Caesar haircut has a better shot than me?
-Thanks a lot. -Joey, no. It's just--
I know how you feel about these things. It's just so not you.
Why didn't you tell me?
I knew you'd make me feel like an even bigger idiot than I already am.
Believe me, Dawson, nobody's laughing harder about this than me.
But unfortunately, the opportunity to win $5000...
...no matter how slim or humiliating or ludicrous my chances are...
...the money has to take precedence over everything, including my pride.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were serious about this. I mean...
...it kind of caught me by surprise. You gotta admit--
I'm glad you find my pathetic life so amusing, Dawson.
Joey, come on. You're my best friend. I'd never laugh at you.
You just did, Dawson.
It's Hannah.
Oh, Hannah.
It's good to see you.
I'm gonna go sit down, okay?
Well, if it isn't Hannah Von Wenning of the Bar Harbor Von Wennings.
Pacey Witter. Let me guess. You're here washing dishes...
...for the remedial work-study program for Capeside's underprivileged youths?
That's so compassionate of you, Hannah.
-So how's the Swiss boarding school? -It's in Connecticut, you moron.
Wait. You're the guy entering this contest?
It figures. Class clown of Capeside High.
You know, I never figured you for a pre-op transsexual...
...but now that I think about it, evening gowns, high heels--
I assure you that my sexuality is intact, okay?
I'm not the one taking group showers at an all-girls school.
But given the opportunity, I--
Welcome, ladies.
-And gentleman. -Thank you.
I'd like to welcome you all to the orientation...
...for the 35th annual Miss Windjammer Pageant.
The rules for the pageant are listed clearly in your handbooks...
...which will be completely revised next year.
The Miss Windjammer Pageant....
So, Pacey, what are you gonna do for the talent competition?
-Recite the alphabet? Jack a car? -You know, ladies...
...I say we vote Hannah Miss Congeniality. What do you say?
You are such a buffoon.
--all it has to offer. And most importantly, ladies, have fun.
Joey, walking in heels is probably the hardest part.
Don't worry. You're doing great.
Why are you doing this?
Well, I mean, poise and grace is really important to the judges.
-And considering your height-- -No, I mean, what's in it for you?
The fact that I've been a bitch to you since you got here...
...is pretty much public knowledge.
In New York, I didn't exactly hang out with a lot of other girls, okay?
I mean, I've never even had close girlfriends...
...and as far as I can tell, neither have you.
Don't you ever feel like you're missing out on something?
Well, why don't you go hang out with the Capeside Pep Squad?
I mean, associating with me won't exactly send your popularity points...
-...soaring up the social scale. -For the same reason you don't.
Because they're a bunch of mentally arrested airheads.
Your perception of me is almost as misguided...
...as your perception of yourself.
If you wanna win, we have to work on the self-esteem issue, but first...
...back to the basics. Come on.
Pacey, can you...? Do you do anything else?
We can revisit the talent problem later...
...but what are we gonna do about the eveningwear?
I could get my hands on this tasty little red polyester number...
...that my sister wore as a bridesmaid.
If you wanna win this thing, you gotta take it seriously.
If you win, the Associated Press could be all over this...
...not to mention CNN. This could be international news.
By braving this experiment, you've become a political activist...
...challenging social stereotypes.
I kind of just wanted to make some extra cash.
So, what's going on with you two?
Who?
Me and Dawson?
We're just figuring things out.
It was a little rough for a while, but...
...we've got time. It's not like he's going anywhere, so....
-I guess not. -So....
So, what about you and Dawson?
What about us?
You know, I was just wondering, because...
-...now that he's available, I was-- -Look, Jen...
...Dawson will always see me as the gawky little girl down the creek...
...with the Band-Aids on her knees and the one braid falling out.
I don't know. Maybe that's just how it's meant to be.
Maybe it's just how we see each other.
Well, you know what they say.
Plenty of fish in the sea, right?
Yeah.
Have you talked to Joey lately?
No, actually, not since our torrid night of naked face-sucking.
What? I'm kidding. Why?
I don't know. I mean....
She says we're cool, but she's been avoiding me.
-And? -And I don't know what to do.
I miss her when she's not around.
At last. The moment of truth.
Well, thank God, Dawson. Maybe we can all go home now.
I know you're obsessed with this theory of yours...
...but the truth is...
...I've never thought of Joey in a romantic context.
I mean, I've always thought of her as like a sister.
I don't think I could ever get past that.
If Joey and I got together, it'd be....
It'd be a little incestuous.
You're saying you don't want her...
...but you don't want anybody else to have her either?
Tell us something about yourself.
I'd like to study early education.
Or help with children with special needs.
That means, like, when they're crippled or retarded or something.
Or maybe I'll become an actress or a model...
...because a lot of people keep telling me I'm pretty enough.
Okay.
After completing my year with....
Wait a minute, Dawson's doing the interviews?
Don't worry. it's just a pre-interview, okay?
He's putting everybody on tape for the judges to see.
Don't worry, okay? The real stuff is live on-stage during the pageant.
Please tell us your name and something about yourself.
I'm Roberta Crump.
I'm a senior at Capeside.
Hey. You're here to see the Great Paceydini pull a rabbit out of his hat?
A magic act. How appropriately juvenile of you.
All this sexual tension really cannot be good for your complexion.
-What say you and I go backstage-- -Please. I just ate.
I've recently been accepted to the Juilliard School of Music...
...but I'll be delaying my entrance until I've toured with the Peace Corps.
You already had your chance.
I already turned you down once in the sixth grade.
-Actually, you stood me up. -Whatever.
Pacey, let me ask you something.
Do you really think, in a million years, you could ever win this thing?
-I mean, what is the point? -Well....
Maybe I don't have a chance at winning...
...but if I could take just one vote away from you...
...and make you know how it feels to be a loser...
...then this is all worthwhile.
If you could commit one act without consequence, what would it be?
I'd rob a bank so I wouldn't have to be here.
Be serious. Let's....
-Let's just get through this, okay? -Fine.
What kind of example would you like to set for your children?
I guess I want them to treat others the way they want to be treated.
It sounds pretty simple, but...
...it pretty much applies to everything.
Who is your inspiration, role model or mentor, and why?
I guess I don't really have one.
I've always had to depend on myself.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I don't know. In some romantic adventure, or...
...on a dig in Tunisia, or a safari in Africa.
A research boat on its way to Antarctica.
I thought "getting out of Capeside" meant Boston University.
-The polar icecaps are pretty far. -Well, that's the point.
But there must be things that you'll miss.
Family?
Friends?
Of course. But life goes on, Dawson. Things change.
-They don't have to. -Yes, they do.
Everything changes eventually.
That's just the way life is, and you have no control over it.
Suddenly, people who you think are always gonna be there...
...they disappear, you know?
People die, and...
...they move away, and...
...they grow up.
Everything changes eventually, Dawson.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats?
Welcome to the Miss Windjammer Beauty Pageant....
-I look like a dweeb. -No, you don't.
Everyone's gonna laugh at me.
I want you to put this Vaseline on your teeth for me.
-Why? -Just trust me, all right?
It keeps your lips from sticking to your teeth when you smile.
Wait a second. I have to smile? You never said anything about smiling.
Make one joke about coming out of the closet...
-...I swear-- -I can't, man. It's too obvious.
-Let me get that. -Thanks.
Tell me the truth, do you think I'm a complete tool for doing this?
Since when did you start concerning yourself with public opinion?
Pacey, I think you got testicles of steel for doing this.
-Really? -Yeah.
Here. My mom said to put that on your teeth.
-Why? -I have absolutely no idea.
And so now, ladies and gentlemen, here are the contestants...
...in their eveningwear.
Thank you, Miss Johnson.
And now, Miss Josephine Potter.
Could it be Cinderella's fairy godmother did the job too well?
Thank you, Miss Potter.
It looks like Prince Charming's found the owner of that glass slipper.
If you have a point, I wish you'd get to it.
Come on, Jen.
It's pretty obvious that you're missing the undivided attention of Dawson.
Maybe feeling a little dumper's remorse?
You're way off, all right?
Is it the possibility of losing him to somebody else...
...that suddenly makes him seem so attractive?
You really think that I'm that shallow, huh?
No. I think you're that human.
And now, Mr. Pacey Witter.
Well, wish me luck.
All right.
Thank you, Mr. Witter.
Do you think I am a cow lowing after the calf?
Or a bitch with pups licking the hand that struck her? Watch and see!
If I could talk to the governor for one hour...
...I'd...
...tell him how he could lose 30 pounds in 30 days.
I'd like to tell my kids that you don't have to be the handsomest guy.
You don't have to be the most intelligent.
You don't have to be the biggest football stud...
...to be a damn fine Miss Windjammer.
I would tell the world's leaders that a society that chooses war and death...
...over the preservation of life cannot possibly succeed or thrive.
If that didn't work, I'd tell them I had dirty photos of them.
-So how am I doing, Mrs. Leery? -Pacey....
I gotta tell you, you are funny and charming. The audience loves you.
Seriously?
You may not have a chance of winning...
...but you're definitely keeping me from falling asleep.
What, I'm not even in the running?
You know this club would rather see the whole place go down in flames...
...before crowning a male Miss Windjammer.
Yeah, but for me to be written off is just completely unfair.
Honey...
...fair and beauty pageants aren't exactly synonymous.
In approximately two minutes and 35 seconds, this will all be over.
But I've never had to sing in front of people before. What if I suck?
And don't forget to smile.
Singing "On my Own" from Les Misérables...
...Miss Josephine Potter.
You did an incredible job on Joey.
My God, it's amazing!
I think we've finally broken into the ranks of being friends.
But I miss our friendship too, Dawson.
Me too.
And not just our friendship, but....
I guess what I'm trying to say is....
Thank you. That was Josephine Potter, ladies and gentlemen.
-All right, Pacey, hurry up. You're on. -Damn it!
Dude, relax. You're doing great.
I need to know something, Dawson.
When I asked you if doing this was stupid and you said it had a point...
...did you ever actually believe that I had a chance at winning this thing?
-Come on, Pacey. -Great. That's what I thought.
It's another thing for the kids to laugh about Monday morning at school.
And who am I to disappoint?
-Are you doing something stupid? -Those people suck!
How could I leave here without letting them know that fact?
-I'm going down. I got nothing to lose. -Wait--
Excuse me, Dawson, I got a show to do.
Pacey Witter has changed his program.
Instead of a magic act, he will perform a dramatic interpretation.
Well, I'm not William Wallace, but I am Pacey Witter.
Pacey Witter's 7 feet tall.
So they say. So they say.
And they say that this Pacey Witter is a dangerous man...
...who slaughters Capeside residents with jokes and buffoonery.
And if he were here...
...he would destroy those who would judge him...
...with sparks from his eyes and wit from his ass.
Well, I am Pacey Witter...
...but who of you are in the position to judge me?
Is it you, sir?
And what sort of human being tolerates being judged?
Well, judgment stops today...
...because that which scorns me deems to own me.
I am willing to trade the trappings of my dysfunctional life for one chance.
Just one chance to stand in front of my fellow countrymen...
...and tell them that you may take my life...
...but you will never take my freedom!
Thank you and good night.
If she does win, it's only for the sympathy vote...
-...because she is a total charity case. -What do you mean?
You don't know her story?
Oh, my God, check this out. She lives in a trailer with her sister...
...who just had an illegitimate baby with her black boyfriend.
Where are her parents?
Her mother died, and her father's in jail for selling drugs.
You can ask her yourself.
She'll tell anyone who'll listen to her pathetic sob story.
I'm sure she's already told the judges.
Dawson, don't try to get me to go back out there.
Setting myself up like this, I'm such an idiot!
Listen to me. You were phenomenal out there tonight.
If you leave now, you're never gonna forgive yourself.
Look, I don't belong here, Dawson. I mean, look at me.
How could I have stooped this low for money?
Might as well have sold myself on a street corner.
Joey, do you realize you could win this thing?
Why do you think they're slamming you? They're terrified.
They know that you can beat them.
I don't want their money, Dawson.
I don't want anything from them--
I don't think it's about the money anymore.
Joey, I know we're not speaking right now, okay? But if we were...
...I would tell my best friend...
...who was too afraid to get up in front of class for show-and-tell...
...how incredibly proud I am of her.
And how I think she has got...
...more guts and talent and strength of character...
...than all the Hannah Von Wennings of the world put together.
For your final question, Miss Potter...
...please tell us what words of advice you would bestow upon today's youth.
I'd like to tell today's youth that...
...no matter where life takes you, big cities, small towns...
...you'll inevitably come across small minds.
People who think that they're better than you are.
People who think that material things or being pretty or popular...
...automatically makes you a worthwhile human being.
I'd tell today's youth that none of these things matter...
...unless you have a strength of character, integrity, a sense of pride.
And if you're lucky enough to have any of these things...
...don't ever sell them.
Don't ever sell out.
When you meet a person for the first time...
...please don't judge them by their station in life.
Because who knows?
That person just might end up being your best friend.
Thank you.
And now, the exciting moment we've all been waiting for:
Our second runner-up, and winner of two tickets to the Rialto...
...for any Tuesday or Thursday matinee is...
...Miss Hannah Von Wenning!
Congratulations.
Our first runner-up, and winner of a free day of beauty...
...at Betty's Hair Barn is...
...Miss Josephine Potter!
Congratulations.
You guys can pack up.
And the winner of this year's Miss Windjammer is:
Miss Roberta Crump!
Joey?
Honey, you were truly spectacular tonight.
You know I voted for you.
You should be very proud of yourself.
Thanks, Mrs. Leery.
You kids need a ride home?
No. We can walk.
-Okay. Good night. -Good night, Mom.
Good night, honey.
For the first time in my life, I'm....
You've left me speechless.
What's happening, Joey?
You mean, you don't know?
-Here. -Thanks.
I looked at you tonight, and I....
It was like you came completely out of your shell.
There was this, like, total....
I don't know. Newfound confidence...
...that just seemed to burst from you.
I know what it must have taken for you to get up there and do that.
It's like you....
It's like you transformed into this beautiful...
...Joey.
Dawson....
God! I mean....
I'm sitting here with my best friend in the world...
...and my palms are sweating.
I've known you forever, but....
I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time tonight.
Joey?
-What's wrong? -I don't know, Dawson.
There's something that's just not right about this.
Joey, I thought this is what you wanted.
It's my own stupid fault.
I mean, dressing up, playing the princess.
You and I both know that this isn't me.
-Joey, of course it is. -I thought this was what I wanted.
For you to see me as beautiful.
For you to look at me the way that you look at Jen.
But the truth is...
...I don't want that at all, Dawson.
I want you to look at me and see the person you've always known...
...and realize that what we have is so much more incredible...
...than just some passing physical attraction, because you know what?
It's just lipstick.
And it's just hairspray.
Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna be Joey.
Just Joey. You know?
The too-tall girl from the wrong side of the creek.
This is all new to us, and we should talk about it.
No matter what happens, we can't go back to the way things were.
Dawson, you've had a lifetime to process your feelings for me.
I can't spend the rest of mine...
...hoping that you might throw a glance in my direction...
...in between your tortured teen romances...
...with whatever Jen Lindley rolls into your life next.
I can't do it.
Joey, don't walk away from this.
I have to, Dawson.
Good evening.
Come to gloat?
No. Actually, I just have a lot of experience with being a loser.
I thought you might want some pointers, seeing as this is your first time.
First time.
My brother, Matt, is on the national tennis circuit.
Caroline's a pediatrician.
Jennifer's a foreign correspondent on CNN.
Me, I can't even win a stupid small-town beauty pageant.
It's not like you need the money. Me, on the other hand...
...I'm stuck living at home, probably for the rest of my life...
...with a bunch of people who think I'm a blight on mankind.
Aren't we a couple of black sheep?
By the way, that was a really ballsy thing you did in there tonight.
Thank you.
What I wouldn't do to go away to school, be somebody else for a while.
I spent a total of 23 days at home this year.
Last time I had a school break, I came home to an empty house.
Seems my vacation created a scheduling conflict...
...in my parents' social calendar.
You're kidding.
Roger will spend more years of his life in that house than I will.
-Which one's Roger? -The dog.
All right.
Hey.
Hi.
So how'd your debut as a newsman turn out?
Turns out it's gonna be a blip on the 11:00 news after all.
This may sound like it's coming out of the blue.
The truth is, I haven't thought about much else lately, Dawson.
Look, I know that we didn't give our relationship much of a chance.
Okay. I didn't give it much of a chance.
You're right. I really didn't give you a good reason for the breakup, but...
...truth is, I don't even know if I had a good reason.
Is it too late for me to ask you for another chance?
You're kidding.
I couldn't be more serious.
God, Jen.
-I guess I am too late. -It's just that....
You know, now's really not the best time.
I don't know. I gotta....
I got some things I gotta figure out first.
Okay.
Well, you know where I am.
How could I ever forget?
-Good night, Dawson. -Good night, Jen.