Dawson, the neighbor girl dumped you.
-No one died. Just get over it. -Forty-eight hours ago.
I haven't exceeded the statute of limitations on angst.
It's not a matter of time, it's a matter of degree.
You haven't eaten, and you just stare at Jen's house.
And I've seen you at school. You spy. It's twisted.
I'm almost afraid to ask what movie you brought back tonight.
-Sid and Nancy. -See?
Your problem is that you're getting off on this.
It's tough to come up with moping strategies...
...when everything I'm about is exactly what turned her off.
It's not like I can learn to dance or get a new haircut.
She dumped you, not your belief system.
She rejected romance, honesty and respect.
Every time I see Billy, I'm reminded of that.
Well, everything reminds you of her.
Well...?
You've known her for 3 months. How can everything remind you of her?
I don't know, Joey. I can't explain it. It just does.
Fine.
Let's just watch the movie.
This conversation is becoming far too disturbing.
Grams, have you seen my green shirt? I think it needs ironing.
Oh, yes, dear. I thought I saw it in your closet.
You left it on the dresser.
Jennifer, would you come up, please? And bring the telephone.
-And you would be...? -Quite comfortable, thanks.
-I want a name. -Billy.
Billy.
Oh, yes, I've heard about you before.
Okay, I got the phone--
-What are you doing here? -Word's out you dropped Dawson.
I thought you might be looking for a suitable replacement.
If he's not out of here in two minutes, I'm calling the National Guard.
And then I would like a serious word with you.
Great to meet you.
I thought you were leaving.
You know, my car was packed, and I really was, Jenny.
But then word trickled down, and I thought it might be better...
...to stick around a little longer.
Why don't I clarify things for you. Just because Dawson and I are on hiatus...
...doesn't mean there's some vacancy I'm looking to fill.
Let's just say there happened to be this guy.
Some guy you had an intense connection with.
Well, then I might think you'd be open to the possibility, right?
I'd have to say no.
But I'd also like to add "not a chance" and "never again."
You used to be fun, you know that?
No. I used to be weak and vulnerable.
Next time you alter your personality, let me know in advance.
It'll save me gas money.
I'm beginning to doubt your sincerity when you say you're leaving.
Hey, just the man I was looking for.
What can I provide you with this time, Billy?
A place to stay? Or just another chance to screw up my life?
Despite outward appearances, you and I have a lot in common.
Right. We both got our hearts broken by the same girl.
But Jen didn't flee the state to get away from me.
Give her time.
Man, if I lived 50 yards away from her...
...I swear to you, I'd go insane.
I'd stare up at her window, wondering what she's doing.
If she's talking on the phone, who is she talking to?
And if she's listening to music...
...who do those songs remind her of?
Does she still think about me?
If so, does she think about me half as much as I think about her?
See what I mean? Common ground.
But the good news is, there's a simple cure for all this.
-Yeah? What's that? -Now, don't get me wrong.
Jen is a great girl. But last time I checked, she wasn't the only one.
What, are you unconvinced?
Take a little ride with me. Let me illustrate my point.
-Take a ride where? -Providence.
There's this club there. It's a bit of a dive, but...
...absolutely remarkable in one respect.
It lies exactly equidistant between a pair of women's colleges.
Coeds wall-to-wall, Dawson.
-Can I get in? I'm not exactly legal. -I know the bouncer.
-There's school. -And what's waiting for you there?
Another day wondering about Jenny?
When you'll see her next, what football player she's having lunch with.
You made your point.
And you know what? You're right.
This is exactly what I need. To get away from her, from here.
You know what?
She's gonna freak when I'm not there.
It'll be good to let her wonder about me for a while.
Hey.
Warren Gary. I'm on my way to school. You need a lift?
No, thanks. I'm waiting for Ted Bundy.
Well, Ted's a lucky man.
Ted Bundy is dead. He was a serial--
Killer. Yeah, I know.
Executed in Florida. Claimed porn made him do it.
So, what do you say? I need the merit badge.
-And which badge is that? -Community service.
I'll say you were 80 and blind.
You'll be an Eagle Scout by the end of the day.
Exactly. So, what do you say? Come on.
Help me out here.
So is the air cold, or are you just happy to see me?
You had to do it. You had to live up to the expectations.
Does it bother you to know that you perpetuate a stereotype?
Which answer means we get friendly down in the sand together?
If having sex with you would end famine and war...
...and if kissing you would bring enlightenment--
You know something? You talk a lot.
That's better.
So is that all you and your boyfriend Dawson...
...I use the term loosely, do? Talk?
You don't need to use the term at all, Warren.
Dawson is not my boyfriend.
It was the "boy" part I was referring to.
Have you ever seen the guy throw a baseball?
There is no correlation between a slider and a sperm count.
Well, how would you know? You're obviously a virgin.
How do you know that he and I haven't been going at it for years?
We could be annotating the Kama Sutra, for all you know.
You know...
...I may be a virgin, but believe me, it's by choice.
You could have waited in the car.
Don't worry. I won't tell anyone we're together.
-Hi. -Hey.
-What's he up to? -We're going to a club in Providence.
Finally. Dawson's evil twin.
This is a much-anticipated pleasure.
What are you doing?
You're cutting class to go to a club. I'm coming with you.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
-Billy? -Hey.
-So we're ready to go? -Yeah.
Just gotta turn in my math homework, we're out of here.
Yeah. Walk on the wild side.
I heard something this morning, and I thought that you should--
At the risk of sounding redundant, what are you doing here?
The boys had to wrap up a few things before we left, so....
-Good morning. -What are you talking about?
I'm taking Pacey and your boy on a little road trip.
Amidst all the confusion, Dawson and I stumbled upon...
-...some common ground. -I don't like the sound of this.
The last thing Dawson needs is to be pulled down by you.
He was simply complaining about how a guy can't get any around here.
So I told him about this little place I know....
What kind of place?
Well, let's just say that the women take cash...
...and are remarkably friendly.
You're taking him to a whorehouse?
There's His Holiness now.
Well, girls, gotta run. I see Saint Dawson's chomping at the bit.
Come on.
-Unbelievable. -Excuse me.
-We're not really gonna go to-- -I was just kidding around.
Hello, stud.
God, I've never really had a whole lot of faith in guys, but I....
-I just thought Dawson was different. -Yeah, he's different.
Unfortunately, he's just not as different as we thought.
Listen, Joey...
...you know that football player Warren?
What?
You didn't sleep with him, did you?
Yeah, I had sex with Warren Gary...
...right after I gave the sponge bath to the Navy pilots.
Why would you even ask me that?
He's telling everyone you did.
-I'm gonna go get a drink. -We'll be right here.
One more time.
You're not the type of guy who does something bad because it feels good.
Well, there's an oxymoron to live by.
What? You want examples of this?
What was the very first thing you did...
...after announcing this little road trip of ours?
You know exactly what it was.
You turned in your math homework.
Those are not the actions of a rebel.
There's nothing wrong with that. You care about what people think.
You're that nice Leery boy. You like being the nice Leery boy.
-And you're any different? -Hey, please.
Just talk to the school board and glance at my record.
There's no comparison between you and I.
Everybody knows you're a regular Richie Cunningham.
Billy, he's the Fonz.
Congratulations. That makes you Potsie.
We need to talk.
She needs to talk.
Well....
-It wasn't very memorable, Warren. -What?
The sex.
I don't remember it at all. Why don't you refresh my memory.
It was pretty good. Although you did eventually complain of fatigue.
What is going on in that twisted head of yours?
Look.
This can be a win-win.
Explain.
Our reps. I've got one to live up to.
You have one to...
...live down.
People thinking we're doing the deed is going to help my reputation?
You know how in baseball there are major and minor leagues?
-Yeah. -This is your call-up to the show.
No more shagging fly balls with washouts.
You're such a bastard. If you're the major leagues...
...I hope I never get out of A-ball.
Hey, look. I never said I'd be your boyfriend.
I never believed it, you know.
Sure. That's why you asked.
I only asked because I was concerned, Joey.
But I would have bet anything against it.
Besides, I....
Besides, what?
I always pictured you with someone different. Someone like....
You know, just-- Just a different type.
Walking upright?
Yeah. Opposable thumbs. The whole bit.
And maybe someone just a tad more sensitive than Warren Gary.
Yeah, well...
...even the sensitive ones can let you down with the best of them.
You know, maybe Dawson isn't--
Look, I didn't say a thing about Dawson.
As far as Warren and his fantasies go, what harm can the guy do?
Being called a football groupie could describe half the girls here.
-It's not that big a deal. -I may be overstepping my boundary...
...but I think I know a way to get Warren back.
-You know how to make a voodoo doll? -No, I'm serious.
Guys like Warren have been getting away with this for way too long.
What do you say, Joey? Interested in a little payback?
All right, I'm listening.
Let me put it this way.
You know when cartoon characters are trying to make a decision...
...and the good angel is on one shoulder and the devil on the other?
I don't have a good angel, Dawson. I have you.
I'm not interested in the gig. It doesn't work for me anymore.
I swear to God, you two sound like my parents.
Hang tight. I'm gonna go see what the Deliverance twins are up to.
Need I remind you of the ill-fated toilet- papering of Coach Roland's house?
There you go again. Equating fun with youthful indiscretion.
"Youthful indiscretion"? What, am I running for the Senate?
Granted, Dawson. For high-minded conversation, you're the man.
But you're better at verbiage than actual verbs.
-Verbs? -Action words.
-Revel, carouse, party. -What year did "party" become a verb?
The year that you and I came into high school.
You'll have to trust me on this one. Sometimes...
...friendship means taking part in stupid stuff. No judgments...
...no questions and no deconstruction of the event.
You don't think I'm capable of that?
I've seen no evidence to the contrary.
I don't like those guys down there.
What's up?
They're harassing everyone from the sea gulls to the senior citizens.
It was not really my idea of fun.
What do you say we give them a little instant karma?
-A banana in the tailpipe? -Or we could slash their tires.
-That's imaginative. -You got a better idea?
Yeah, I do.
-I can't wait to see this one. -"Good angel" this, Pacey.
Did you guys ever see American Graffiti?
Well, well, well. If it isn't Mrs. Warren Gary.
-So you know? -Well, it is news.
And this is high school.
He swore he wouldn't tell, Abby.
He told me he loved me.
$100,000 Pyramid: "Things guys say in the back seat."
You can add "We don't need protection" to that list.
What?
I am so stupid.
Wait. What are you saying?
Well, he started off, you know...
...just calling all the time.
He'd be so sweet.
And one time he won me this stuffed frog at Coney Island...
...and brought it back for me.
The first time we made love, he cried.
Warren Gary?
That was before the pee strip turned blue.
Blue?
Oh, my God!
-Do you know what that means? -Yes, I do.
-You're pregnant! -I know.
Does Warren know?
He told all his friends that it's my problem and mine only.
That little puke!
That sorry puke!
Now. Pacey, now!
Hit it! Go, go, go!
What are you doing? Get that jerk!
All right, you got your companion picked out for the evening yet?
What? Already?
No, dude. I'm shooting pool.
You gotta stay on top of these things.
I'll bet Pacey ain't letting pool get in the way of business.
Take your pick. The blond at the bar...
...tank top in tan up at the jukebox...
...or the leather pants at the foosball table.
Rack them.
Now, that...was a beautiful thing.
All right, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?
I want to thank you all for helping me prepare for tonight's college fair.
And I'll see you all back here in a couple of hours.
Joey...
...can I have a word with you, please?
Sure.
Joey, in a school this size it's difficult to keep any secrets.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Girls your age often make mistakes.
Boys have been known to make a few mistakes themselves.
True. But the price they pay seems to be so much less.
You'll be going through some tough times, and I want you prepared.
Excuse me?
The family-living course here offers valuable preparation.
The class where they make you carry a sack of flour...
-...and pretend it's a baby? -That's only part of it.
I know the task you face seems manageable now...
...but child-rearing is filled with trials and tribulations.
You know what? Let me get back to you on that one.
Notice how Pacey had his eye on three girls?
-He knows it's all about numbers. -Numbers?
Odds. Don't waste time.
You'll know within 15 seconds if a woman wants to see you naked.
If the answer is no, you bail. Who cares?
There's plenty more where they came from.
That's why you ask 10. Whatever you gotta do to seal the deal...
...and pull the trigger.
Hello.
Well, wish me luck, boys, because here I go.
Who's it gonna be? Time's a-wasting. We don't got all night.
Found her.
Hi.
My name is Dawson.
Oh, you're Dawson. Wow, yeah, all right!
Good to know.
Hey, there.
I'm the drummer for Pearl Jam. You?
You're dumber than who?
I want you to know that I understand the absurdity of this moment.
I thought of sending over a drink or saying something clever like:
"What's your sign?"
I figured directness would be the best approach. I.e., "My name's Dawson."
Not that my name in and of itself should impress you...
...but in the hopes that you might tell me your name.
Did it occur to you that maybe I'm just not interested?
No.
But blind optimism is one of my faults.
One of your faults? Do you have many?
Let's see. There's...
...my reckless disregard for danger.
My tiresome romanticism. The way I keep on talking...
...long after the person has lost all interest.
My name is Nina. If you ask me where Pinta and Santa María are...
...I'll be so out of here.
Find someone special?
I did. She didn't.
Damn! Check out Dawson. That girl's fine.
There's lots of women in this place. Why me?
Did you notice my inner light, or was it something more base?
Actually, it was your shirt.
Really, this thing?
And not even any cleavage.
So, what are you, Dawson, some sort of film buff?
Come on in.
Hey. How's my favorite mother-to-be?
Actually, not so good.
I came to tell you that we should call this off.
Why?
I don't like to be in the middle of everything.
Mrs. Tringle wants me to sign up for that "Mommy and me" class.
Sherman Williams, that Adventist kid, he offered to marry me today.
It's nothing compared to what they're doing to Warren.
Wait a minute. You and I both know that...
...that guy deserves everything that's coming to him.
Maybe.
-I don't know. -Joey...
...that guy treated you with no respect. That hurts. I know.
So that's what this is about.
What do you mean?
You don't care about me. You're looking for a revenge scenario...
...to dump all your residual male anger.
Is that what Dawson was for you? Just some patsy to take the fall?
You know what? Don't, Joey. Don't turn this into a Dawson thing.
Why did I even listen to you in the first place?
Dawson was the first decent guy you ever went out with. Look what you did.
You drove him into the arms of a prostitute.
You took that one way too far. You wanna know the truth?
Ever since Dawson and I broke up, you have been scared to death.
Oh, please.
You've been scared because now there's no one else to blame.
And now when Dawson treats you like good old understanding Joey...
...I'm not gonna be around for you to hate.
And that is how he'll treat you.
Scorsese, Kubrick. Those are directors.
I can't believe you're a Spielberg fan. He makes slick fairy tales.
Movies by nature are escapist. If you want reality...
-...look out the window. -He's a schlockmeister.
His movies have done a billion dollars of box office.
You're equating mainstream popularity with artistic merit?
By that logic, we should be studying Ace Ventura in film school.
You're in film school?
Dawson, they got that chocolate milk you ordered at the bar there.
And what is your name, beautiful?
Nina.
You can call me Columbus.
You know what, Dawson, this place is getting really crowded.
-What do you say we get out of here? -Yeah. Let's.
Hey!
So thank you back there.
Billy can be sort of a jerk sometimes.
Thinks he's, you know.... It's colder out here than it was before.
He's from New York, Billy is. He's the one who brought me here.
Film school, huh?
Dawson, are we doing something you don't wanna do?
No.
You've launched into a pretty convincing Rain Man impression.
Look, all we're doing is walking to my car.
And after that?
After that, I'm driving home.
Notice the first-person singular.
I'm not a sexual facilitator for men with something to prove.
It's not like that.
I saw your friends over your shoulder.
They did everything but hold up scorecards.
Maybe it is something like that.
I just got dumped.
The evening snaps into focus.
They convinced me that the best way to get over her--
-Was to nail a stranger? -Yeah.
-I guess.... -It's not exactly healthy, you know.
Sorry. But it did quit being about that. Talking to you...
...I forgot all about it. All about her.
And...
...for the first time in three days, I actually don't feel so bad.
So...
...would it impress your friends if you didn't reappear till morning?
I think they'd erect a statue.
Okay. Tell you what.
Come over. We'll fall asleep watching TV.
You're a Spielberg fan. It's not like I'd be in any danger.
Hurry up, before I listen to that voice in my head...
...telling me I should card you.
The girl that I told you about...
...I still sort of want her back, and I....
Maybe I'm just being really crazy here, but I....
-I just don't think it would be right. -Wow.
I can't decide if I'm offended...
...or if you've just restored my faith in the male sex.
Call me if she doesn't come to her senses.
Bye.
Welcome to Capeside's Annual College Fair.
Please be sure to check out our international booth. That's booth 3.
Imagining how she'll look with a bowling ball in her uterus?
Don't bother.
-What do you mean? I thought she-- -Not a chance.
The girl's comic relief. Speaking of which, Warren Gary...
...was called into the nurse's office for a lecture on contraception.
-Well, good. He could use-- -You don't get it.
Warren is the last person who needs that lecture.
It was a lie made up by a sophomore trying to land a popular boyfriend.
Besides, Warren couldn't fertilize a garden.
What do you mean?
I had a chat with my friend Elise today.
She used to date Warren. She dated him for six months.
She used to bake him spirit cookies before every game.
She bought a $400 dress for a dance he failed to show up for.
Okay, your point is?
According to Elise...
...Warren had one other significant failure as a boyfriend.
Let's just say he had a soft spot for the ladies...
...in a very unfortunate location.
Hey, man.
What are you doing back here?
You couldn't pull the trigger.
Guess not, Billy.
You practically had her begging for it. Listen.
A little piece of advice for future reference.
Getting lucky. It comes down to a simple Beatles-Stones question.
You wanna hold her hand or you want to spend the night together?
Some women may say they're looking for a Beatle...
...but trust me, they want something a little more tangible.
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind, Billy.
Guys, maybe we should get out of here.
It's funny. Watching you with this girl, it makes sense...
-...why you blew it with Jen. -I don't get you!
You came into town to break Jen and me up. Done.
Are you pouting because things didn't go as planned?
What?
You think I don't know why you wanted me to get lucky tonight?
So you could go convince Jen that all men are dogs...
...and then assume that she'd seek your comfort.
For all that wisdom, you sure bit hard.
Hard enough to know that it's not my style, it's yours.
And frankly, your style's pathetic.
If you had Jen's best interests at heart, you'd stay away from her.
Do you know those are the same words her dad used...
...when he told me he'd sent her away?
Do you think it's funny you sound like her dad? I do.
It's better than sounding like her loser ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry you feel that way, Dawson.
Since you two cool guys...
...wouldn't want a loser like me hanging around, I'll tell you what.
Have a fun trip home, boys.
You think you could have waited till we were back home...
...to throw out that last zinger?
Hey, lover-boy. Spare a minute?
-It's been a really long day. -My heart bleeds.
Look...
...I know you're not too thrilled with me, but here's an idea.
One way to get rid of a lie is to make it the truth. So maybe--
I'm afraid I'd be getting worked up for something that I hear is an anticlimax.
What?
Your reviews are in, Warren. And frankly, you've been panned.
-Is this a sophomore threat? -No, just a reminder...
...that if one person says something, it's a rumor. But two people?
It's gospel.
But you're probably not planning on dating anyone ever again, so....
-What do you want? -Complete and utter denial.
Fine!
Just so you know, the reason...
...I picked you up this morning was because...
...I thought it would be nice.
You know, just--
Saturday night I have plans, but they're breakable.
What do you say?
In public...
...official...
...groping-optional date.
Yeah.
Sure. Just pick me up after my lobotomy.
You wanted to get out of Capeside to get Jen off your mind.
Did it work?
No.
Maybe for a while.
Am I gonna have to wait, or are you gonna tell me...
...what happened outside the club with that woman?
Nothing happened. I just walked her to her car. That's it.
Nothing happened at all.
Right. You're just wearing that lipstick as a fashion statement, right?
Hey.
Look, I'm having an ice-cream antisocial.
You want to join me?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
The Warren Gary information proved useful. Thanks.
Rumor has it that his public retraction is already making the rounds.
Well...
...it is news, and this is high school.
-Cookie dough. -Yeah.
So....
So, what do you think, Joey?
Is there any way we can keep Dawson from coming between us?
Yeah, sure, I mean--
He's only in love with one of us, so....
You're right.
Must be a lot easier than just being the object of his infatuation, huh?
Although, I doubt that after today...
...either of us will be vying for his affections.
I know what you mean.
I mean, just picturing Dawson so...
...male, it's just--
I don't know. It's made me nauseous all day.
You think he's already...?
So...
...did you get everything you went there for?
I was a nonstop sex machine, Joey. You know me.
How was your day?
I boffed Capeside's starting fullback and got knocked up.
That's nice.
So was it all good, clean fun, Dawson?
Not exactly.
Tell me about it.
I will. Joey, there's so much that I want to tell you...
...but I am so tired right now. I haven't slept in 24 hours.
You know what? I can wait.
It's okay.
Okay. Hey!
For a while tonight...
...nothing reminded me of Jen.
It was like looking at the world without blinders on.
Yeah.
I can wait.