Well, so much for Twister.
-What's next? -I vote for The Poseidon Adventure.
Towering Inferno has a higher all-star body count.
They just burned. In The Poseidon Adventure the deaths are better.
Everything's upside-down.
Let's see if our disaster-movie séance worked.
Good evening. We continue to track the progress of Hurricane Chris...
...as it heads up the coast...
...prompting warnings for several coastal areas and school cancellations.
Officials have gone ahead and canceled classes for tomorrow...
...in Yarmouth, North Falmouth, and Capeside....
Score!
-Stay with us. Gale? -Thanks, Hal.
Bob, sounds like tomorrow would be a good day just to stay in bed.
-You've got that right. -Could they be more obvious?
"Gale, what is your view on the situation in Bosnia?
Will you be jumping my bones after the broadcast?"
Does your mom know you know?
No.
Your dad?
Profoundly clueless.
So. Paul Newman or Gene Hackman?
Joey, I'm a little tired. You mind if I sack?
No, that's fine.
You know, you're gonna have to deal with this, Dawson.
Everything's postponed because of the hurricane. My life included.
-Your life is a hurricane. -No metaphors, Joey. It's too late.
Later.
I'll see you tomorrow, Joey.
-Hey, Dawson? -Yeah?
Fasten your seat belt. It's gonna be a bumpy life.
In other news, Tom Burton conferred with Democrats...
...today about whether they would be willing...
...to join GOP members in voting to confer immunity for witnesses.
A two-thirds vote is required.
Back to you, Bob.
I guess if it were the Capeside Bake-off, then I would be your man.
No, I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I'm trying to be a reporter.
Fine, Jim. If anybody needs me...
...I'll be here darning my husband's socks.
Unbelievable.
I take it they're not letting you cover the hurricane.
I'm missing an appendage between my legs...
...which apparently makes one qualified to cover inclement weather.
Me and my appendage are thrilled you will be here safe where you belong.
I got flashlight, candles, cold shower and batteries.
Thanks. I'm gonna run next door and check on Jen and Mrs. Ryan...
...extend an invitation to ride out the storm.
Okay.
My dad's a great guy, isn't he?
On the Tom Hanks/ Harrison Ford idealistic side...
-...but solid like a rock. -Without question.
And faithful.
Even to a fault.
So who's covering Hurricane Chris?
-Bob got the gig. -That Bob.
Boy, he's on top of it.
-Yeah, he's a great guy. -Dad's a great guy.
Bob's the anchorman.
Honey, did you secure the front porch?
I'll get right on it. Gotta get ready for Hurricane Bob.
Hurricane Chris.
That's right. Chris is the hurricane. Bob's the anchorman.
Oh, boy.
I just want it noted that I am here under complete duress.
Just stop your punk-ass whining.
School's out. It's my chance to sleep in...
...catch up on my soaps, enjoy the storm.
Hey, Dad's orders.
Dad's orders. You say that with such a lapdog enthusiasm.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
-You're so butch, Dougie. -Screw you.
Doug, you have to learn to process these hostile outbursts of rage.
These are mere repression tactics to mask your homosexual desires.
Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm gay.
I happen to be the straightest guy I know.
Really? I think your CD collection would contradict that.
Barbra Streisand, the soundtrack to Les Mis--
I have an interesting and soft complexity.
You don't have to defend yourself to me. I'm on your side.
I just want you to live a happy and fruitful life.
You know, women happen to love my CD collection.
Why did you choose a profession...
...that requires you to dress like one of the Village People?
I chose to wear a badge because our father...
...the chief of police, instilled in me a sense of duty and a belief in justice.
Which makes it all the harder for you to come out.
I'm sure there are support groups for gay officers.
Listen, Pacey! I'm not gay!
You're waffling. We already agreed on this.
It's mutilation.
The trauma of having your genitals sliced...
...can have a lasting effect into adulthood.
Trust me. If I was conscious of it, I'd most definitely remember.
Junior's foreskin will be a nonissue if we all blow away in a typhoon.
It's just a warning. These things never come this far north.
I vote we go to Dawson's.
-Actually, that's not a bad idea. -Don't change the subject.
-This kid is being circumcised. -No, he's not.
Just because you're pregnant, don't think you're gonna get the last word.
Watch me.
Tammy!
-Hey, Tamara. -Hi.
-No, don't. -The back side's all done.
Yo, Pace, give me a hand here.
It's good to see you, Pacey. Your brother helped me secure the place.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
So how's your homework coming?
I hope this bad weather's helping you catch up on your reading.
Are you kidding? The guy's a goof.
He hasn't cracked a book since third grade.
Oh, really? You'd be pleased.
Your brother's doing quite well, Officer Witter.
Please, call me Doug.
Okay.
-And I can call you.... -"Ms. Jacobs" would be fine.
Or Tamara, whatever you like.
Tamara.
I'm sorry. I hate storms. I really don't do well in bad weather.
Well, we'll have to do something about that.
I've weathered more storms in my time than you can count.
Humor me. I'll feel a lot better if you guys are over here.
If the Lord decides to blow my house away, so be it.
I forgot to tell you the Lord sent a fax while you were out.
Something about the Armageddon.
Hey, stranger.
I heard your grandfather's back in the hospital. I'm sorry.
Yeah, they're just running some tests. He'll be okay.
It's made Grams kind of anxious, though.
-How are you doing? -Good.
Okay. Can I give you a hand with something?
No, I'm cool. Thanks.
-You're being cold to me, Dawson. -No, I--
It's not a judgment or anything. It's just an observation.
-Do you wanna talk about this? -It's got nothing to do with you-- Us.
I've just got a big to-do list in my head, really.
Sure.
High tides and storm surges with heavy rain forecasts for the area.
All right, everyone. Make yourselves at home.
We're gonna fix lunch.
That's so kind. We really appreciate this.
No problem. Mrs. Ryan, do you know--?
We've met. You're Bessie, Joey's unmarried sister.
And this is Bodie.
Thank you, Walter Cronkite.
Need I remind you who won the local Emmy and the Golden Desk Award?
I have more plaques and trophies than you do.
Bad boy!
Well, you just be careful out there. I'd like you back in one piece.
Okay.
I'll call you back.
Got a new award for you, Mom. It's not a trophy. It comes in the form of an A.
And you have to stitch it right here.
Congratulations.
Dawson! Dawson, honey, we need to talk.
Yeah, about what? The weather?
Honey....
I know you must be really angry right now...
-...and it is completely justified. -Save it.
Honey, please hear me out.
I love your father.
I know that might seem hypocritical at the moment...
...but what's happening between Bob and I--
Bob and me. "Bob and I" is grammatically incorrect.
If you let me, I might be able to help you understand this.
What? The complicated mind of an adulteress?
Do you have some rationale for breaking the sacred vows of marriage?
-It's straightforward, isn't it? -No. There are reasons.
Reasons. Why? Boredom, maybe?
Why don't you pull this "I'm 40, it's time to be selfish" crap?
Would you let me explain?
Fine, Mom, go for it. Explain. Purge, but purge to the right person.
I'm his son. There's a missing element here.
It's downstairs, and it has a name:
Husband, spouse, mate, better half.
Any of those ring a bell?
Are you okay?
I don't get it.
I've got adolescent parents who bump like rabbits every day.
You'd think that would be enough.
Dad couldn't keep up, and Mom just said, "Hey!"
Dawson, these things have very little to do with sex.
Is the proposition of monogamy such a Jurassic notion?
Is it no longer reasonable to think two people can be enough for each other?
-I don't know. -Maybe it's chemical.
Maybe there's a hormonal imbalance causing fornication with coworkers.
Maybe it's not just Bob.
Maybe it extends to the whole 6 and 11 Action News teams.
Your mother is a good woman.
Yeah, you defend her. You would. It makes sense.
-Excuse me? -You heard me.
I did. You better clarify yourself before I rip your head off.
Who better to understand a woman's need to have multiple partners?
Since I've slept with half of New York City?
-I didn't say that. -We're not all as pious as you.
Some of us aren't characters in a Spielberg film. We live in reality.
Don't even tell me.
Don't mind me. Just passing through.
I can't escape.
What are you doing in there?
Just regressing for a moment.
Remember we played in there when we were kids?
We'd reenact the whole third act from Jaws.
-Not now, Joey. -Come on.
You'd be Captain Quint, I'd be Hooper and Sheriff Brody.
-We knew the lines. -We're not kids anymore.
But wouldn't it be nice?
Right.
It's up there with sleeping over on the "we're too old for this" list. I see.
Look, I know you're still mad at me for lying to you.
Even if you won't admit it, there's residue all over your face.
Maybe you better go. My verbal vomit's out of control today.
I know what you're going through. You're struggling to find answers.
You know, you wanna know why she's cheating, but...
...it's all perception, Dawson.
Let me just offer the one ounce of wisdom I can bring to this table.
Instead of asking why your mother's doing all these horrible things...
...may I suggest you get on your knees and thank God you have a mother?
Joey.
Sorry, Dawson. I forgot for a second.
This isn't about me.
Winds are now racing at 50 miles an hour, and they're steadily climbing.
Although it's still undetermined whether Hurricane Christopher...
...is going to make landfall right here in Capeside....
I'm just saying, fresh rosemary, some ground pepper--
I think I know a bit more about the culinary arts than--
The chicken was just delicious, Mrs. Ryan.
That being the case, look for waters to rise 15 to 20 feet....
Pretty messy out there.
I hope Bob watches out for himself.
I wouldn't worry about Bob, Mr. Leery.
Listen to your local authorities.
I'm gonna send this to the studio in a moment's time...
...but we'll be here all day long, as the storm progresses.
I guess I f-- This is really f--
Every sentence that comes to mind ends with the F word.
Well, don't hold back on my account. I've heard it.
I'm an adult, Joey. I'm supposed to set an example.
I'd stick to the F word if I were you.
I've been very selfish.
Seems to run in your family.
But I'm ending it.
It was nice of you to stay.
-Let me get this. -I didn't realize...
-I got it. I got it. -...how scared I was.
I never expected a hurricane to come this far north.
Well, I'm an officer of the law, and it's my job to protect people, so....
-As long as I'm not keeping you guys. -No.
What was that?
I don't know. I'll be right back.
Should you go out there?
This is my job, Tammy.
Your brother's very nice.
He's a closet case.
What?
Yeah, full-blooded, 100 percent gay man.
He likes to keep it quiet, being an officer of the law in a small town.
Does your dad know?
My parents are in denial about this. It's really-- It's an ugly situation.
But how have you been, Tammy?
No, I don't think so. Not with your badge brother right outside.
Quick reminder: This is a felony.
That's the attraction, isn't it? I've been missing you.
I've been missing you too, but....
There. You happy?
Get over here.
No, no, no, no, no. Let go, honestly.
I mean it, I mean it, I mean it!
It was nothing. It was just the....
Dawson.
You realize if the Kelp takes off...
...we'll have a whole chain of Leery family restaurants coast to coast?
That's great, Dad.
Something wrong, Dawson?
Something's very wrong.
Mitch, there's something that you--
I mean, there's something that I have to tell you.
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
No, Dawson. We're a family. This falls on all ears.
Hon, what is it?
Wow, where do I begin?
You know that I love what I do...
...that I've always wanted to be a Diane Sawyer or a Barbara Walters.
Mitch, it's 20 years later...
...and I am never going to be Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters.
I know that.
I mean, I gave up that dream.
It's okay. I've accepted it. I still would like to be like a Jenny Jones...
...or a Sally Jessy Raphael.
What's wrong, Gale?
God, I'm digressing.
I mean, who watches those shows anyway? They're all the same.
Somebody does somebody wrong...
...they go on TV with their IQ of three...
...and bitch and moan about it for the whole world to see, and....
Now, I know this is a judgment...
...but I have always prided myself on not being that kind of person...
...the kind of person that would be on a panel of cheaters, lowlifes and liars--
Gale, what are you saying?
What I am saying is...
...for the past two months, for the past 62 days...
...every time that I've come home late...
...every time that I have made an excuse to leave this house...
...every time that I haven't been with you...
...I have been with someone else, another man...
...having sex with another man.
I won't be so insulting as to offer an apology.
This is, after all, on the other side of forgiveness.
I just thought that you should know, Mitch.
Mitch?
Batteries.
I knew I should have gotten some more batteries. Dawson....
-Mitch. -Dawson...
...take these candles and flashlight into the other room, all right? Now.
Where is that lantern?
I filled it with kerosene this morning, and now it is gone.
Mitch, please talk to me.
I had it in my hands, and now it's disappeared. Where is it?
Where'd it go?
Don't you cry!
You don't get to cry.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
I think there's more candles upstairs.
You know, you're such a clumsy idiot.
I'm really sorry about my brother.
We've had to put up with this pinhead imbecile for years.
He's kind of the family embarrassment, you know.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay. Really, it was my fault. I ran into him.
I'm the clumsy one.
What have we got here?
Some possible riding-out-the-storm entertainment.
Well, have you ever played the "if" game?
How do you do that?
It's a good way to get to know each other.
I ask a question like...
...if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Then you answer and ask me something.
Okay, who's first?
I vote for Monopoly. That game has a point.
It's just a really good way to get to know each other better.
All right, let me see....
If you had to pick one city...
...to live in for the rest of your life...
-...what city would you pick? -Easy. New York, my hometown.
-No other place like it. -So why'd you move?
Well, because I needed a change. I have a dysfunctional ex-husband...
...and New York wasn't big enough for the two of us.
Well, I'll tell you, if I was your ex-husband...
...I'd be full of regret right about now.
Okay, my turn.
Dougie, if you could star in any Broadway musical...
-...which one would you choose? -Easy.
-Tony. West Side Story. -I love that.
-Yeah? -"Somewhere" is my favorite.
-It's mine too. -I watched that movie...
-...10 times when I was a kid. -Ten times? Try 15!
A million babies are circumcised every year.
It's a human rights issue.
It's a harsh and barbaric example of child abuse.
We don't even know if it's a girl or boy.
Or black or white.
-She's off and running. -Bodie, don't.
It's not a judgment, Bodie, just an observation.
Which do you object to more? The fact that I'm black and she's white...
...or that we're unmarried and having a child in sin?
What I object to most, Bodie, is when children raise children.
Get ready, Bodie.
That child will be identified as different.
Part black, part white. It doesn't matter, Mrs. Ryan.
This child will be 100 percent loved.
What are you doing out here? It's pretty cold.
It's pretty cold in there too, and I just needed a little break.
So, what are you doing out here?
Just watching Mr. Leery.
I guess it really hit the fan today.
-So where's Dawson? -Don't know. Don't care.
I'm taking a break.
You know, it's just an ego thing.
I mean, "How could there possibly have been anyone before me?
-How can I measure up?" -Is he that trite?
I'm sure there's a measuring tape sitting in his bathroom right now.
-What do you think it's marked up at? -What do you mean?
Come on. Do you think Dawson's got a pistol or a rifle?
How would I know?
Come on.
Dawson was wrong to spew his anger at his mom onto you.
So you heard?
Involuntary eavesdropping.
I guess I'm no longer the virgin queen of Dawson's hand-held fantasies.
Yeah, I think Dawson's having a life-defining turning point right now.
Aren't we all?
Taking into consideration his height, weight, feet and hand size...
...I'd say he's slightly above average.
So you have thought about it.
Can I help you with that?
No, it's fine. I'm fine. Thanks.
Mr. Ryan used to say:
"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with a lot of rain."
So you know too?
I used to be a big fan of motion pictures.
Frank Capra.
It's a Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington...
...Pocketful of Miracles.
Simple desires fulfilled, aspirations realized.
Fears of abandonment turned into fantasy spectacles of security and joy.
Frank Capra and Steven Spielberg are compared for their thematic content.
What I liked most about those movies...
...is the fact that no matter how far off the pedestal the character fell...
...he always got a second chance.
Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts the Lord has given us.
With it comes understanding.
The same way rain brings a rainbow?
From what I've seen of you so far...
...you better buy yourself a good umbrella.
St. Charles Place with a hotel. $750.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So now what about Gypsy?
I love that. Did you see the Bette Midler TV version?
I know! She was great. But you know...
-...I still love Ethel Merman. -Yeah. A Chorus Line!
It's your turn.
Tamara, would you like to go out sometime, catch a movie?
The Rialto's got this oldies classics thing on Wednesdays.
They play a lot of the old MGM musicals. It's really great.
I'd love to.
Yeah? Great. Okay, we'll make a whole night of it.
Nice romantic dinner. Leave baby brother here at home.
Just give us a chance to get to know each other a little more intimately.
You know, make it a real date.
Well, not really a real date.
Why not?
Well, you know, because I.... I know.
It's not because I'm too young, is it? Don't pull the age thing on me.
I'm 24, soon to be 25.
No, no, it's not that at all. It's just that I know that you're gay.
What?
Did you tell her I'm gay?
No, I guessed it.
When I lived in New York, I lived on Christopher Street.
I have good gaydar.
You told her, didn't you?
-Tell her I'm not gay! -She has gaydar.
Tamara, I am not gay.
It's okay!
That's what I've been trying to tell him.
All right, you tell her right now I am not gay!
Guys, guys, hey!
It's okay, Tamara. He does this kind of stuff all the time.
Tell her now.
Okay. All right.
He's not gay.
All right, then.
So whose turn is it?
It's Bob, isn't it?
The first time I saw you...
...it was on the pier at the marina...
...and you were with that girlfriend of yours.
The woman who never shut up. Talk, talk, talk, all the time.
I can't remember her name. It was one of those soap opera names...
...like, I don't know, like Alexis or Dorian.
Phoebe.
And from the minute Phoebe introduced us, I knew...
...that I loved you.
I mean, it was that quick, you know, because love comes that quick.
It's like a decision. Love is a decision that you make, and I made it...
...right there, on the spot.
What I need for you to know...
...is that our love came quick, and it's lasted.
It's weathered the storm.
But as quickly as I made that decision 20 years ago to love you...
...I'm taking it back.
I don't want to love you anymore.
I choose to hate you now.
No, Mitch, don't.
It's already done, just like that.
So I suggest you get out of the car!
Before I physically remove you from it.
Good news for local residents today.
Hurricane Christopher has taken a sudden detour...
...and left only moderate damage to Capeside and its surrounding areas.
Now that the storm is over, I guess it's time to finally say goodbye...
...to some truly, truly bad weather.
Once again, thank you very much.
-It's been a very interesting day. -Anytime.
-Sorry about the gunplay. -Hey....
I'd still like to take you out.
Yeah, you know, I have to be honest with you, Doug.
I'm seeing someone right now.
Fair enough.
Okay, let's go, squirt.
Yes, sir, Deputy Doug.
I'm leaving, Dawson, but before I go, there are a few things--
-Jen, I owe you an explanation-- -No. Hear me out, Dawson, please.
Okay? Because this seems to be the day of truths, and I'm taking my turn.
I lost my virginity when I was 12 to some older guy who got me drunk.
I don't remember his name, but after the first pregnancy scare...
...I went on the pill, and I used condoms...
...most of the time.
Some of the times....
I don't know. It's kind of blurry.
I was really drinking a lot and having blackouts and stuff and....
I was sexualized way too young...
...and I don't wish that on anybody.
I mean, sex at such a young age more often than not is a bad idea.
I finally got caught having sex in my parents' bed.
Daddy's little girl...
...fornicating right before his very eyes.
He still can't look me in the face.
But then again, he shipped me 200 miles away so he wouldn't have to.
But, Dawson, I'm not that girl anymore. I never really was.
I'm not that white-as-snow image you've got either.
I'm somewhere in between, and I'm just--
I'm just trying to figure it out.
Jen, you don't need-- It's not--
It's not you, okay? It's my own stupid hang-ups.
My parents have this raging sex life, and I guess I secretly...
...used it as a measure of happiness.
-Sex doesn't equal happiness. -Jen, I know.
I know that now.
I'm sorry about lying to you.
But I can't apologize for my past.
I've learned from it. I'm a better person.
It's gotten me here.
And this is my chance to start over. This is my chance.
And it would be really nice if you'd be a part of that.
On one condition:
That you'll have me.
Because, Jen, my behavior has been unredeemable...
...and I don't deserve someone as...
...passionate and open and honest and beautiful as you are.
Take two?
What are you doing? Where's your brother?
I circled back.
-It's late, Pacey. -I just had one more "if" question.
Here, I got it. I got it. I got it.
If you could do any one thing in your life again, what would it be?
Well, I wouldn't have married an abusive, fat stockbroker.
Same question, back at you.
Well, I'd be older, so I could tell the world about this wonderful woman...
...who I am rapidly falling in love with.
Did you really think it would make me jealous by flirting with Doug?
Flirting? I don't flirt.
Because if you did...
...it's exceedingly unnecessary.
I'm already jealous...
...of every guy who's ever been in your field of vision...
...who's known the smell of your hair...
...who's held your body against his.
We're getting sloppy, Pacey.
You know we're gonna have to end this. It's getting too dangerous.
Tell me that isn't a turn-on.
Pacey.
Wait, I-- Just one more question.
If you could do any one thing right now, what would it be?
So why'd you do it?
Get ready, Mitch, because if you think it can't get worse, it can.
My reason is preposterous.
I have no reason. No.
I woke up one day, Mitch, and I realized my life was perfect.
Everything I ever wanted...
...from the time I was 6, had been realized.
I discovered perfection obtained is a discomforting state...
...and I got restless.
What do you do when everything is right?
When everything is just the way you've always wanted it to be?
I have the perfect home...
...a career, the most gifted child...
...a husband who stimulates me...
...mind, body and soul every day of my life.
I want for nothing.
And I guess that left me feeling empty, not wanting.
And I just wanted to want again.
So I set out to achieve it.
And, boy, did I succeed...
...because I want now.
I want back everything that I've lost.
Mitch, I am so sorry.
Let's just sit here, all right?
I don't want to talk anymore.
Okay.
I was hoping you'd still be here.
Joey, I owe you an apology.
I have been thoughtless, insensitive and self-obsessed to the extreme.
If you give me a chance to rectify my belligerent ways...
...I promise I will make every effort to be a friend worthy of you.
Well, that was a mouthful.
I'm sorry for using the mother card.
I keep it in my back pocket, and it's way too easy.
I shouldn't have done it.
Joey, I don't know what I would do if I lost my mother.
It hurts, Dawson.
You're born, and you die, and you make a lot of mistakes in between.
You know?
Funny thing is, you know...
...now that she's gone...
...I can't seem to remember a single mistake.
What can I do for you, Joey?
I want to be a good friend. What can I do?
Now, just for tonight...
...can we put our rapid ascent into adulthood on hold?
Please?
Come on.
"Sheriff Brody, that's a 20-footer."
"Boys, I think he's come back for his noon feeding."
"Gotta get a shot at this orca's head."
"Smile, you son of a bitch."
"We're gonna need a bigger boat."