- [ Man ] Previously. - I'm using you.
Oh, this is worse then, is it? This is you telling me--
It's over.
- Where have you guys been? - Checking out Buffy on the van's remote surveillance.
I thought you were gonna go see Tara.
[ Willow ] She was seeing someone else. Probably just friends.
Xander's gone? Xander's missing?
- Is she here? - She left a couple of days ago.
- She was... kinda broken. - I love her and, God, I miss her so much.
No!
How could you do this?
Buffy, stop! No!
- I'm so sorry. - We're okay. It's all okay.
[ Both Panting, Growling ]
- [ Whooping ] - [ Both Growling ]
They're getting to the gate!
Yeah. I see it. I see it.
[ Grunting ]
- We're gonna lose 'em. - [ Growling ]
We need that disc.
[ Both Grunting ]
Wait.
[ Growling ]
[ Gagging ]
[ Vampire Growling ]
- How you doin'? - Oh, fine.
You know. Same old, same old.
- Here. I could take care of this guy if you want. - Whatever. Your call.
I mean, sure, he don't look like much,
but I'd wager he could give you a bit of nasty.
Save you the staking. All you gotta do is--
- I am not telling my friends about us. - Right.
I'll just be dropping him down to you then. You wanna tell 'em? Go ahead.
[ Screeching ]
You know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister last week.
Guess how much they hate me.
Zero. Zero much.
So I'm thinkin'... sleeping with you? They'll deal.
- [ Vampire Growls ] - In that case, why won't you sleep with me again?
Because I don't love you.
Like hell.
♪ The midnight graffiti ♪
♪ Appears on your door ♪
♪ So we all can sleep safe ♪
♪ In our homes ♪
♪ And the storms ♪
♪ In the distance ♪
♪ Hold no rain ♪♪
♪♪ [ Stereo Off ]
[ Woman Talking, Indistinct ]
[ Chattering ]
Hey! Hey, look at you, all coming out of class and everything.
I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class. Right.
So how's your, you know, after the whole basement deal?
It's between a hitch and a kink, with a side of a twinge. It's okay.
And Buffy's okay too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth?
Yeah. Refreshing san-- That's... funny.
She's okay. A little... freaked.
I'm glad she didn't hurt you. You too.
So, this is becoming kind of a regular thing, you and me after class.
Uh, I didn't--
Only this time, you stuck around.
Uh-- Um-- Various sounds of hesitation.
She's just a friend. Friends are nice.
You rushed off before I could, you know, explain.
Well, officially, I have to say I have no idea what you're talking about.
Unofficially?
We should have some coffee sometime.
Maybe some day this week after class?
I'm free tomorrow. You could-- You could bring your friend.
I wasn't gonna. I mean, if you have a friend--
No. I'm-- Oh, I'm friendless.
Yeah, yeah. No friends. I mean, I have friends.
Right. Many dear friends. I mean-- Yeah.
Coffee. With us,
who are... just friends.
[ Chattering ]
[ Buffy ] Okay. How about this store? Ah.
Three pairs of earrings, a coin purse and a toothbrush.
[ Buffy ] You stole a toothbrush? Mother-of-pearl handle. Fancy.
Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush.
As far as rebellious teenagers go, you're kind of square.
Dental hygiene is important.
Guess this is kind of a lame sister's day out, huh?
I make up for trying to kill you by taking you to places you can't go in.
No. It's my bad. I'm the one that got caught taking stuff.
Hey. How 'bout the pet store? You didn't take anything from there, did you?
A pocketful of goldfish. It didn't work out.
No.
Okay. Good. So we can go, and we can look at all the puppies.
[ Scoffs ] But it's so awful.
There's puppy mills and keeping them in cages and people poking at 'em all day.
Yeah, but puppies-- cute. Come on. You used to love the pet store.
Yes, when I was in my fives and sixes.
Come on. We'll go look.
Besides, I don't think there's another store here where I can show my face.
It'll pass. You returned all the stuff that you still had, and we're paying for the rest.
I'm paying for the rest. We'll figure it out.
[ Liquid Bubbling ] [ Jonathan ] Get back.
You don't wanna make me rush this. I'm not impressed, Padawan.
When do we hit pay dirt? If something goes wrong, it's gonna surge.
We'll be deader than an ex-girlfriend.
What did you say? Just let me work.
All right. All right. You do what you need to do.
You get us the goods, and then watch out.
It'll be like-- like the whole world just spread open and gave it up for you, man.
And then we're done, right? We each take our share, and we call it a day.
You're that ready to get rid of us, huh?
Don't worry. We pull this off, you can go buy any tropical island you want.
Ah, cheer up, Short Round.
You're about to get us everything we ever wanted.
He's almost done.
I sorta feel kinda sorry for him.
That's a weakness. Um, okay.
Hmm. Look at him. He's got that same look on his face,
the one that he had that time I highlighted in his Babylon Five novels.
Right before he told his mother on me.
I don't think we can trust him. We don't have to, not for that much longer.
Is it gonna be that soon? The milk... in the fridge.
How long till it expires? Uh, we got it on a Friday,
and I remember noticing there wasn't a full two weeks on it,
but we did get it in the fridge pretty quick.
Unless I'm thinking about the two-percent milk. Forget it.
The thing. It's gonna be soon. Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
- How are you? - Ducky. You?
An... please.
Let me... explain.
I know there's nothing I can say or do to make up for what I did.
I can't. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning,
I'm like, "Oh, God.
Is this my life? Was that me?"
Me too. But you gotta believe me. Please.
I want to make up for it. I wanna take away the hurt.
I love you so much.
I--
I may have practiced that a couple times in front of the mirror.
I just-- I don't understand what happened.
I do. I'm an idiot.
All I had to do was say something earlier.
I could've spared you from that-- that nightmare.
Said something about what?
No, no.
I mean, you know, if I were, like, more self-aware,
because-- with the whole idiot thing.
If you had been more self-aware, you would've what?
Been able to stop the wedding? No, no. It's not like that.
That's not what I-- Okay. See, I didn't practice this part.
Do you still wanna get married?
[ Stamps Foot ] Ohh.
- An, it's a very complicated question. - No. Actually, it's really not.
It's kind of an either/or deal. Do you want to get married?
Someday, yes. Very much. When we're ready.
I don't want you to take this as a bad thing.
It's good.
I love you. I love you so much.
- I'm just trying to be honest with you. - Yes. Honesty now.
Congratulations, Xander, on being honest now.
I wonder what the medal will say.
Clearly, I'm not handling this well.
Well, duh! All I want is for us to be together.
I love you. I wish we could just go back to the way things were before.
And I wish you were never born.
I know this is all coming out wrong.
I wish you felt the pain of a thousand searing pokers...
boiling your heart in its own juices.
I know, honey. I totally deserve that.
I-I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be.
I-- I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut.
- They are. - Really?
- Right now? Does it hurt? - God, yes.
It hurts so bad it's killin' me. Anya, I love you. I wanna make this work.
Those are metaphor intestines. You're not in any real pain.
What's wrong with me? No, honey. It's not you. It's me.
- Oh! - An!
A-An, wait! Please!
An!
So there was no child support in, like, 11 years. Not a single check.
So now every time he touches a piece of paper that isn't a check for the child,
paper cuts.
Oh, you know how I hate to toot my own horn, but now his hands are covered...
in all these tiny little bandages, like a quilt.
You know, made of bandages.
Hmm?
Okay. Do they not teach listening skills in the human world?
Sorry. I know. I'm just distracted.
What, about this thing with Xander? Don't worry. You'll figure out a way to--
No. That's just it. I've tried everything, tried every curse I knew.
Nothing's worked. Wait. Did you try to curse him yourself?
I am the wronged party here. Of course I--
You can't exact justice against someone on behalf of yourself, silly.
- I mean, how long you been away? - I haven't been scorned...
by a man in, like, a thousand years.
I never had to make a wish for myself. There has to be some way around that.
Well, you could try...
getting someone to make the wish for you, I suppose.
Uh, did we open a chain? Are we the International House of Something?
Nope. Got up early and felt like a breakfast kind of morning. Okay.
What kind of syrup do you want on your pancakes? Syrups have kinds?
Oh, also, you know, I was thinking after the mall yesterday.
Maybe we shouldn't go out tonight. Maybe we could stay in and-- ooh-- ow--
- um, you know, get a pizza or rent a movie? - Um--
Also, I didn't know if you had plans this weekend, but I thought maybe we could--
Hey, Buffy, I'm gonna be okay with the basement thing. Really.
You weren't you. This isn't guilt.
I want us to spend time. Okay. Good.
I love spending time-- But I'm cramping your teenage style.
No. Yes, I am.
I'm the embarrassing mom who tries too hard. When did this happen?
No. You're not. It's not that.
It's just-- What if instead of you hanging out with me,
maybe I could hang out with you.
Why don't I come patrolling with you tonight? Oh, and then...
maybe we could invite over some strangers and ask them to feed you candy.
Well, you guys went out patrolling every night when you were my age.
True. But technically, you're one and a half.
See, I thought a little levity might-- but, okay-- also no.
I just-- I just think I could help.
I'm sure you could, but it's a little more dangerous than I had in mind.
But-- Dawn, I work very hard to keep you away from that stuff.
I don't want you around dangerous things that can kill you.
Which would be a perfectly reasonable argument if my sister was chosen...
to protect the world from tax audits, but, see, my sister is you,
and dangerous things that want to kill me seem to find me.
But you don't need to go looking for them.
Now eat up. You're gonna be late for school.
Okay, wait. It was under her wig?
Well, it was this thing. It just came out from inside her head.
That's disgusting. What did it look like? Let's put it this way.
If I wasn't gay before-- God. And this was after the invisible ray?
Yeah. Okay. I'm gone for a couple of months.
Ooh, did I tell you about the demon eggs? See, now I know...
you're just trying to make me jealous.
What? No rollicking adventures in the dorm?
It's not the same. It's not like living with a house full of family...
or sharing a room with someone you--
- Are friends with? - Hi.
Oh, my God. You're back.
We've been so worried. Yeah.
Sorry. I-- I needed to, um, you know.
I mean, I couldn't stay here, not after everything that happened.
- No, no, no. We totally understand. - But you're back now, right?
It's complicated. You know, there's a lot to deal with.
Well, if there's anything we can do, just let us--
Actually, um,
there's an eensy something I could use a little help with.
You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.
- He feels awful. - You think it's anywhere close to what I feel?
No, but-- What if it were you, Dawn?
What if all you dreamed about was that magical day,
the day when the one person you love with all your soul would promise to cherish...
and protect your heart for the rest of his life, but instead,
he shatters it into a million jagged pieces.
Well, it's not really so much about hating the men.
We're more centered around the girl-on-girl action.
And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they?
Men like Xander.
I don't think he could feel any worse.
Let's test that theory. Anya, Xander's my friend.
-I know what he did was wrong, and if it happened to me, I'd-- -Wish his penis would explode?
I never use that word anymore. "Coagulate"?
W-I-S-H.
Oh. "Wish." As in, "I wish Xander--" Right. That word.
There is vengeance demons out there that are still active, remember?
Any "I wish" can totally end in horrible grossness. Give me a for instance.
- I don't really think I should. - Did I mention the whole "left at the altar" thing?
Didn't leave that out, did I? No. No.
Look. I know what he did was wrong. God, if it happened to me, I--
It must have been torture. Okay. Let's talk about torture.
So, tell me more about wishing Xander's brains and guts would go blooey.
I didn't say that. Yes, you did. I heard you.
I swear I didn't say that. Didn't say what?
Um, I just saw you were back and wanted to talk to you about working off my debt.
You know, my whole sticky fingers, grabby hands thing.
Oh, right. The mad thieving. Good. Yes. There's much to do.
Gonna put you to work, missy.
So back to Xander's brains and guts.
Squish, squish, squish. Guys have been running roughshod over you for years,
torturing that perky little ticker.
-Aren't you sick of it? Don't you wish guys like that-- -Whoa. Guys?
There've only been four-- uh, three-- three-- three guys.
I mean, that's barely plural.
Didn't each of them rip your heart out? Don't men like that--
as to pick an example-- Xander-- deserve to be punished?
Well, Xander is a guy, so it's kind of not the surprise...
that he likes to watch girls.
- Why are we talking about this? - We're comforting me.
Well, I guess it's natural for guys to be interested in--
God, what kind of lesbians are you? If you love men so much, go love men!
Anya, I know you're hurting, but-- What?
Xander doesn't deserve to suffer for what he did, 'cause he's your friend and I'm not, right?
No. That's not what I'm saying at all.
- What he did was wrong. He knows that. - It's just, it hurts.
He hurt me so much.
- He really did. Look. I wish that-- - Anya?
Well, congratulations. They all still love you, even after what you did to me.
- Anya, wait. - [ Buffy ] Okay, okay. Not crazy about that idea.
What? I have to go after her. Or, in the land of the sane,
you could give her some space, let her cool down.
That's not proactive guy.
That's "sit around and watch the rest of your life turn to crap" guy.
True, but at least crap guy gets to keep all of his appendages.
And I'm supposed to what? Walk away?
Shouldn't be too hard. It's what I'm good at, right?
Okay. See? That's exactly why a heart-to-heart
is probably not your best course of action now.
You're both angry and upset and-- What the hell is that creepy thing doing in my yard?
Did Willow put that there when I was dead, 'cause if I'd have known,
I would've crawled out of the grave sooner.
Buffy. Oh, my God.
Looks like someone's been keeping an eye on all your ins and outs.
What the who? Well, now. Let's see.
Who's obsessed with Buffy? Who likes to hang out in her yard and keep an eye on her?
Who's in love with you and not getting any?
What's this? It's a camera.
Yeah. I got that part. Why am I holding it?
Someone was using it to spy on me. On my house.
Xander thinks it's you. Oh, the great Xander thinks so?
Shudder. Gasp. It must be true.
Spike. That ponce has always had it for me.
Every chance he gets, he sticks it to--
You believe him, don't you? You think I was spying on you?
You think I could do that? Because you don't lie or cheat or steal or manipulate.
I don't hurt you.
I know. No, you don't.
I've tried to make it clear to you, but you won't see it.
Something happened to me,
the way I feel about you.
It's different. And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it isn't,
it's real.
I think it is.
For you.
I know that's not what you wanna hear.
I'm sorry. I really am,
but, Spike, you have to move on.
- Okay? You have to get over-- - Get out.
No. They're all, "Oh, poor Xander.
It took so much out of him, all that running away he did."
I just don't understand what's wrong with these people.
Did you really think they were the ones who would help you?
Well, but-- Do you want retribution, Anyanka?
I want Xander good and cursed. Then you know what you have to do.
Get a wish from someone who doesn't freaking love him. Exactly.
But my social circle is a little limited here.
What am I supposed to do, just stumble upon someone who doesn't give a fig's ass...
- if Xander gets hurt? - [ Door Opening ]
Hey. I need a thing.
- So, what's your pleasure? - Fresh out of pleasure. That's why I'm here.
I need something. Numbing spell maybe.
Uh-huh. Hang on.
Oh, my God. Spike hates Xander.
Maybe I could get him to wish-- Damn it. If only he were a woman.
Got it. If I can somehow...
get someone to wish that Spike were a woman, then I could go to him.
Well, he'd be a her by then, but then I could go to her and--
Anyanka, there's an easier way. I know you have this whole female power,
take back the night thing, and I think that's cute.
But I've been telling you for decades, men need a little vengeance now and then too.
Oh. Maybe this is a good chance to try that out.
Good luck with that. Ta-ta.
Sorry to bust up the little girls' night out.
That's okay. I'm ready to do some business.
All right then. You got something that'll dull the ache a bit?
Actually, yes. Um,
Giles left a couple of supplies here that I think just might help.
Eases the hurt. Makes the sun shine a little brighter.
Even makes boring people seem more interesting.
Ah. Here.
[ High Frequency Tone ]
[ Sighs ] How's it coming? Can you see who's getting the camera signal?
Should have something once I get tapped into the fiber-optic network.
We're gonna use the feedback relay to get their signal routed into our system.
Okay, if it's not Spike, and I'm not saying I believe him--
But if it's not Spike, I think we already know who's behind this.
Makes sense.
I want... to find... these guys.
Uncover.
There. That's it. That's where we have to go.
Well, now that we've found out where we're supposed to go--
- [ Yelling ] - [ Yelling ]
[ Exhales ] So then this girl says, "Real for you."
Right. But getting back to Xander--
Xander. Let's not waste any more breath on that wanker.
But he made a fool of me, and nobody seems to care enough to do anything.
I care. What he done to you?
[ Scoffs ] I've never stooped that low, and I'm an evil, soulless thing,
according to some people.
Shouldn't he pay? Don't you wish he had to pay in some horrible way?
Absolutely.
Take him on myself, if it wasn't for my little handicap.
Right. So, hypothetically,
what do you wish you could do to him?
You name it, pet. You're the wronged party.
Something... gruesome, I'll bet.
- [ Panting ] - That's my blanket!
It makes sense. It was your fire.
Hey, hey. I think I've got something. [ Computer Beeps ]
The thing about it is none of this was my idea.
I didn't ask to be human. Right. And I didn't ask for this bloody chip in my head.
To tell you the truth, all I wanted was to use him and lose him.
- I hadn't had a good tumble in a thousand years. - Me too. The using part.
I just wanted to know what I was missing, move on.
Yeah. Then he was...
all bumpy... in the right places...
and nice to me.
She was so raw. I never felt anything like it.
Next thing you know, I'm changing to please him.
- I care if he cares! - Right.
And I'm off my guard. Happy. Singing in the shower, doing my sexy dance.
Exactly.
I have no dance. Oh.
- Talk to me, Wil. - Technology's pretty sophisticated.
Lots of booby traps and firewall stuff.
- But can you get us a location? - Well, hey, I'm still me.
Just one-- Whoa.
- What? - There are other cameras.
Screw 'em. To the rafters.
[ Swallowing Hard ]
I did everything for that man. Was it ever enough?
Never. I was always going above and beyond.
I saved the Scoobies how many times, and I can't stand the lot of you.
Me either. I hate us. Everybody's so nice. Nobody says what's on their mind.
You do. That's why you're the only one of 'em I wouldn't bite if I had the chance.
Oh. Really?
Absolutely. I have nothing but respect for a woman who's forthright.
Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn't have a single buggering clue...
about what was going on in front of her, but she was straight about it.
That was a virtue. Oh.
Xander didn't think so. He thought I was rude.
That's because he's one of them. Uptight. Repressed.
You think? Please.
It's no wonder they couldn't deal with the likes of you and me, love.
We should've been dead hundreds of years ago.
And we're the only ones who are really alive.
Hmm.
Oh, my God. The Doublemeat Palace?
The Bronze? My classes on campus?
- Xander's site? - What?
[ Xander ] They've been spying on all these places? I can tell there are more feeds.
I'm just having a harder time pinpointing them.
Here. Let me--
Here.
Ladies last.
Thank you.
Take it quick, or my chivalry'll run out.
No, thank you.
It's just the first time since--
It just feels good to be with someone who understands.
Intimately.
This whole time, I've been coming on all...
hell-bent and mad, wanting his head, you know?
Yeah.
When really I... can't sleep at night...
thinking that it has to be my fault somehow.
Shh. What if he's just pretending?
What if he never wanted me the way I wanted him?
Oh, I'm sorry. No, no.
Hey.
He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya.
He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.
Then why?
The two of them? They're weak is all.
[ Sniffs ] I'll tell you what, though.
They'll miss the water now that the well's gone dry.
Too hot to handle. Mm.
Too hot.
Um, just-- just one question.
Hmm?
Can I see your sexy dance?
I'll show you mine.
[ Gasping ]
Wait. Wait. What are we doing?
Moving on.
Here. I think there are a couple more transmitters on the network.
I just-- Oh, I've almost got a picture on 'em.
Wait. You know I'm only doing this because I'm lonely and drunk,
and you smell really good.
See? Forthright.
[ Alarm Sounding ]
-Ah. -[ Andrew ] They've tapped into our feed. Something's wrong.
[ Both Moaning ]
[ Bottles Crashing ]
I think I've got the Magic Box. Whoa.
[ Warren ] Shut it down. Shut it all down.
I'm sorry. I can't find the-- Here, dork face.
- I'll get it myself. - Guys, we have to-- Oh, holy crap.
Oh, my God. What is that? Porn?
[ Jonathan ] Oh, my God.
Is that the cam in the Magic Box?
Oh, my God.
What are they-- Oh.
Is that-- Spike.
He is so cool,
and, I mean, the girl's hot too.
Dude.
[ Willow ] Wait, Xander. No.
Oh, God.
[ Door Opening ]
Hey, guys. What's up?
[ Gasps ] [ Willow ] Ho, ho, ho.
I-- What is she--
Buffy?
That's enough.
Here. Let me just--
You know, we aren't really sure what we're seeing here.
There could be something--
[ Computer Beeps ] There. Got it.
[ Door Closes ] Xander?
So, this is it?
This is the stuff you've been protecting me from?
You and Spike?
And a lot of monsters. Uh-huh.
But it's over. Spike.
I wish you had told me.
I kinda didn't wanna admit it to myself.
I get that.
I know it must hurt to feel like you have to hide,
to keep secrets from everybody.
- [ Door Opens ] - Buffy, Xander's gone. He took your ax.
Get up! Get up!
You just gonna sit there, do nothin'?
That the kind of man you are?
I'm not gonna fight you. The chip-- [ Grunts ]
Too bad. Xander, no.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Xander, I-- Don't even try to deny it,
'cause we saw it all-- the whole beautiful show.
How?
It was just-- It-- It was just a thing.
I f-- I felt bad, and he was just there.
- Didn't take long, did it? - [ Xander ] Oh, ho. Oh, okay.
You had to do it because he was there, like Mount Everest.
Like I used to be. And then you weren't.
You left me, Xander, at the altar. I don't owe you anything!
So you go out and bang the first body you can find, dead or alive?
Where do you get off judging me?
When this is your solution to our problems.
I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
No. The mature solution is for you to spend your whole life...
telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice...
that you are just a scared, insecure little boy.
I'm not joking now.
You let that evil, soulless thing touch you.
You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations. It worked.
I look at you, and I feel sick,
'cause you had sex with that.
- It was good enough for Buffy. - Shut up and leave her out of--
Buffy?
Xander--
I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[ Spike ] Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything.
- You know, I wish-- - Don't.
♪ Who would sell their soul for love ♪
♪ Or waste one tear on compromise ♪
♪ Should be easy enough ♪
♪ To know a heartache in disguise ♪
[ Tara ] Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
Tara?
You can't ever... put 'em back the way they were.
- Are you okay? - I'm sorry. It's just--
[ Sighs ] You know, it takes time.
You can't just have coffee and expect--
- I know. - There's just so much to work through.
Trust has to be built again on both sides.
You have to learn if-- if we're even the same people we were--
if you can fit in each other's lives.
It's a long, important process,
and can we just skip it?
Can you just be kissing me now?
♪ There was not faith in love ♪
♪ Still my heart held on ♪
♪ When we finally got love ♪♪
Grr! Arrgh!