PREVIOUSLY ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER--
YOU TWO COME ON IN. THANK YOU, KIND PROPRIETOR.
JUST DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
SHE STILL THINKS I'M LITTLE MISS NOBODY.
JUST HER SISTER.
BOY, IS SHE IN FOR A SURPRISE.
WHO ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW WALSH PUMPED ALL THOSE CHEMICALS AND CRAP INTO US. YOU GOT MORE THAN ANYONE.
- I'M TAKING YOU TO THE DOCTOR. - THE ONE FROM THE GOVERNMENT?
THE ONES WHO DID THIS TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?
ALL PATCHED UP.
HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?
GOOD. BACK TO NORMAL.
[ Grunts ]
GOD, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
[ Gasps ]
[ Panting ]
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
[ All Chanting ]
[ Pounding ]
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
[ Pounding Continues ] [ Chanting Resumes ]
[ Pounding Continues ]
[ Wind Whistling ]
[ Chanting Continues ]
[ Grunts ] I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KILL THE SLAYER.
AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED PIANO LESSONS.
SO, REALLY, WHO'S SURPRISED WE HAVE ALL THIS UNEXPRESSED RAGE?
BUT HONESTLY, I THINK I'M EXPRESSING MINE BETTER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU FIND YOURSELF A GOOD ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS,
AND I'LL JAM THIS POKEY WOOD STICK THROUGH YOUR HEART.
[ Sighs ]
I THINK THAT SETS THE WORLD SPEED RECORD FOR CLOSURE. [ Man ] HEY.
MISS, IF YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR ONE OF THOSE RAVE PARTIES, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE LATE.
CHASED A BUNCH OF KIDS OUT OF HERE LAST NIGHT.
OH, RIGHT. YEAH. DARN.
MY FELLOW RAVERS WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
IT WAS MY TURN TO BRING THE BUNDT CAKE.
YOU KNOW, IF IT WAS MY CALL, I'D LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY'S USING THIS PLACE OR NOTHIN'.
THEY JUST DON'T PAY ME ENOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THE BOSS, SO--
ALREADY GONE. OH, HEY. HOLD IT, MISS.
TAKE YOUR, UH, WHATEVER THIS IS WITH YA.
- THANK YOU. - GLO BALLS, HUH?
I SWEAR, I DON'T GET YOUR GENERATION.
WHAT IS THAT THING?
I'LL LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS I FIND OUT.
- DAWN, TOUCH NOTHING. - WHO DIED AND MADE YOU THE IRON CHEF?
LOOK, MOM'S SICK, AND I MADE HER A NICE NON-INSTANT BREAKFAST FOR ONCE.
I DON'T NEED YOU--
[ Vase Falls ] OOPS.
DOING THAT. [ Joyce ] MORNING, GUYS.
OH. CHECK OUT THE "PAMPER MOM" PLATTER.
YOU TWO DO ALL THIS? OH, BUFFY HELPED.
- WELL, I-I DIDN'T HELP. - I'M SURE YOU DID.
SO, NEITHER OF YOU'S PREGNANT, FAILING, OR UNDER INDICTMENT?
- JUST CHECKING. - [ Scoffs ]
WE KNEW YOU WERE FEELING LESS THAN GREAT, SO--
YEAH. THE HEADACHES THEY SAID WOULD GO AWAY CAME BACK AND BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS ALONG WITH.
WELL, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
TAKE FOUR OF SOME PILLS A DAY AND COME BACK FOR TESTS.
- THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG? - WELL, NOT YET.
THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE. I THINK WE SHOULD GET A SECOND OPINION.
WELL, WE NEED A FIRST OPINION FIRST, HONEY.
- OKAY, WE'LL GO RIGHT NOW. - I KNOW YOU'RE CONCERNED, OKAY?
BUT DON'T BE. I'M STILL THE MOM, WHICH MEANS I GET TO WORRY ABOUT YOU TWO,
WHICH IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE YOU'RE A VAMPIRE SLAYER,
AND YOU, YOU ARE MY LITTLE PUM'KIN BELLY.
[ Scoffs ] MOM, THAT'S LIKE MY KID NAME.
- SO I CAN'T BE RETRO? - DID YOU EVER HAVE ANY NAMES FOR ME?
NO. I THINK YOU WERE ALWAYS JUST BUFFY.
I GOT SOME NAMES FOR YA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HANGING AROUND HERE? ISN'T THIS GILES'S BIG DAY?
OH, BIGGER THAN BIG. IT'S HIS GRAND OPENING.
SO GO. BRING ME BACK A--
I DON'T KNOW-- A...
FLYING BROOMSTICK OR SOMETHING.
THOSE NEVER REALLY WORK. WHATEVER.
BOOK CLUB TONIGHT? MM-HMM.
YOU GUYS HAVE A BOOK CLUB?
OKAY, I'M GONNA GO. I WILL BE BACK LATER.
WHAT TIME IS YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW. TAKE IT EASY.
I WANT YOU TO RELAX ALL DAY, KEEP YOUR FEET UP, PLENTY OF OPRAH.
PLUS, YOU CAN CHECK MY RAIN FOREST REPORT,
AND YOU KNOW THERE'S, LIKE, 80 BADILLION OLD BOARD GAMES--
HEY! YOU SAID I COULDN'T COME. CHANGED MY MIND.
[ Bell Jingles ]
[ Panting ]
I TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T DITCH ME. WHOA.
MR. GILES, THIS PLACE IS SO... WOW.
I MEAN, CHECK OUT ALL THE MAGIC JUNK.
- OUR NEW SLOGAN. - SO WHEN'S IT OPEN?
YOU KNOW, FOR CUSTOMERS?
- SINCE 9:00 THIS MORNING, ACTUALLY. - DAWN, GO. BROWSE. AND--
YOU BREAK IT, YOU BOUGHT IT. HEARD YOU THE FIRST 60 TIMES.
STILL, NOT TO WORRY. OH--
I'VE GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT THIS PLACE.
MAGIC'S A SMALL NICHE MARKET, BUT, UM--
WELL, THINK ABOUT IT. SUNNYDALE.
MONSTERS. SUPPLY AND DEMAND.
THEY'LL BE LINING UP AROUND THE BLOCK IN NO TIME.
YEAH. YOU'LL BE MAKING MONEY HAND OVER FIST.
WHICH I GUESS IS A GOOD THING.
YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
IT'S JUST MY MOM'S STILL SICK, AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE DEAL IS.
SHE IS GETTING MEDICAL ATTENTION?
YEAH. WE HAVE A HIGHLY TRAINED MEDICAL STAFF...
WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO TELL US DIDDLY.
I'M SORRY. STILL, YOU KNOW,
TIME AND PATIENCE-- BOTH GREAT COMFORTS. [ Bell Jingles ]
GILES, WHERE'S YOUR HAT AND CLOAK?
YEAH, THE HYPE WAS OUT OF CONTROL.
[ Dawn ] WILLOW, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.
THEY HAVE THE COOLEST TALISMEN-- MANS-- TALISGUYS.
ACTUALLY, I HAVE A LITTLE SCOOBY-CENTRIC DEAL TO DEAL WITH FIRST.
I PUT THIS BEFORE THE GROUP.
WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
IT APPEARS TO BE PARANORMAL IN ORIGIN.
- HOW CAN YOU TELL? - WELL, IT'S SO SHINY.
- FOUND IT ON PATROL. - MAY BE MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
I SAY WE GO BACK OUT AGAIN TONIGHT.
UM, SURE.
YOU CAN'T PATROL. BUFFY SAID.
- NO, I DIDN'T. - YEAH, REMEMBER?
YOU SAID IT'D BE EASIER IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR ANYBODY.
- WELL, I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT RILEY. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
OH, SHE JUST SAID YOU LOOK EVEN CUTER WHEN YOU'RE ALL WEAK AND KITTENY,
AND SHE'D BETTER GO SOLO, OR YOU'D GET HURT.
SO, WELCOME TO THE CLUB. SHE'LL NEVER LET ME GO EITHER.
WHAT? WHAT?
GILES, YOU GOT THAT DANGER ROOM SET UP OUT BACK?
I'M FEELIN' THE NEED FOR A LITTLE PHYSICAL REHAB ABOUT NOW.
OF COURSE. YES. IF ANY CUSTOMERS DO--
- ON IT. - DAWN, WE'RE GOING.
BUFFY, WAIT.
GO EASY ON HER. WHY?
I CAN'T HELP IT. I JUST HAVE ALL THIS INVOLUNTARY EMPATHY FOR DAWN,
'CAUSE SHE'S, YOU KNOW, A BIG SPAZ.
SHE'S SO ANNOYING, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT MOM'S SICK.
SHE'S ALL OVER HER, WHILE I HAVE TO BE THE GROWN-UP,
AND THE TWO OF THEM ARE LIKE THE GIGGLE TWINS,
AND WHY CAN'T I EVER BE LITTLE PUM'KIN BELLY?
WHILE I DON'T FEEL QUALIFIED TO ADDRESS THE LAST PART,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT DAWN'S NOT JUST THE YOUNGEST.
SHE'S THE BABY, AND MAYBE YOUR MOM NEEDS THAT RIGHT NOW.
DAWN DOESN'T CARE WHAT MY MOM--
YOU JUST HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WISH I WERE AN ONLY CHILD THESE DAYS.
[ Clattering, Glass Shatters ]
[ Dawn ] OOPS.
WE CAN'T ALL BE BORN WITH BIG, FANCY "CHOSEN ONE" REFLEXES, YOU KNOW.
SHH. MOM? [ Joyce ] MMM.
MOM? [ TV, Indistinct ]
WHAT'S WRONG? [ TV Off ]
IT'S-- IT'S JUST MY HEAD.
- I'M TAKING YOU TO THE DOCTOR. - NO, SWEETHEART, I'M FINE.
WE DON'T KNOW THAT. WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. WE'RE GOING.
I JUST NEED MY PRESCRIPTION. PLEASE?
HOSPITAL PHARMACY OPEN? MM-HMM.
TEN MINUTES.
[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, IT'S, UH, BUFFY, ISN'T IT? UH--
BEN. BUT YOU CAN CALL ME MAN-NURSE. EVERYBODY ELSE HERE DOES.
I DON'T BELONG HERE. I HAVE IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS. FASCISTS!
YOU'RE HURTING THE NICE INTERN WHO'S HERE TO HELP YOU.
I NEED NINE CC's OF PHENOBARBITAL IN THIS-- [ Grunting ]
OR NOT. LET'S STRAP HIM. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, I PROMISE.
NOT TO BE RAMPANTLY SEXIST IN THE WORKPLACE,
BUT YOU'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS MUSCLES FOR A GIRL.
I, UM-- RADIOACTIVE SPIDER BITE.
HOW'D YOU GUESS? I'M A DOCTOR. WELL, ALMOST.
DOESN'T-- DOESN'T EVEN HELP. DOESN'T MAKE A DAMN BIT OF DIFFERENCE!
I-I-I'VE MET THIS GUY. HE'S A SECURITY GUARD.
- HE'S NOT CRAZY. - IF YOU SAY SO.
THEY'RE COMING AT YOU.
DON'T THINK YOU'RE ABOVE IT, MISSY.
THEY COME THROUGH THE FAMILY.
THEY GET TO YOUR FAMILY.
MY FAMILY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LET'S GET HIM TO EXAM ONE. NOW WOULD BE NICE.
YOUR FAMILY. YOUR FAMILY!
I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT THAT. HERE.
- FOR YOUR MOM? - YEAH, THANKS.
- SHE'S NOT FEELING BETTER? - NOT YET.
BUT SHE-- SHE WILL BE.
I'M STARTING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG.
[ Man Speaking Foreign Language ]
[ Loud Pounding ]
[ Pounding Continues ]
THERE YOU ARE. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING TO SHOP AT THE MAGIC BOX, AND PLEASE DO COME AGAIN.
[ Bell Jingles ]
DID YOU SEE THAT? CUSTOMERS. REAL LIVE CUSTOMERS.
THEY CAME IN, AND I GAVE THEM THINGS,
AND THEY GAVE ME MONEY, AND THEN THEY LEFT.
[ Laughs ] IT'S BRILLIANT.
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL CAPITALIST RUNNING DOG.
BUT I GOTTA TELL YA, ON THE ORBULAR FRONT, WE'RE BATTING ZEROS.
WELL THEN, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING. LOOK AT THIS.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU NEED HELP WITH, LET ME KNOW.
HMM. YOUR CONJURING POWDER'S GROTESQUELY OVERPRICED.
ANYA--
I'M SORRY. I'M NEARLY OUT OF MONEY.
I'VE NEVER HAD TO AFFORD THINGS BEFORE, AND IT'S MAKING ME BITTER.
THE CHANGE IS PALPABLE. THAT STUFF DOESN'T COME CHEAP. [ Bell Jingling ]
WELL, YOU'RE GETTING RIPPED OFF.
I COULD HOOK YOU UP DIRECT WITH THE TROLL THAT SHEDS IT.
GILES, I HAVE AN IDEA WHAT'S MAKING MY MOM SICK.
HAVE YOU SPOKEN WITH HER DOCTORS? THEY WON'T FIND ANYTHING.
WHAT'S HURTING HER-- IT'S SUPERNATURAL.
THE NIGHT WATCHMAN WHO FOUND THIS THING--
HE WENT CRAZY, LIKE OVERNIGHT.
IT WON'T HURT US. I HAD IT ON ME ALL NIGHT.
BUT THIS GUY-- HE SAW THINGS. HE SAID THINGS.
SUCH AS?
THEY'LL COME AT ME THROUGH MY FAMILY.
AND, UH-- WHO-WHO WILL?
I DON'T KNOW... YET.
BUT WHATEVER TOUCHED THIS GUY,
IT MADE HIM SEE THROUGH WHAT THE REST OF US ARE SEEING.
HE KNEW SOMEONE'S HURTING MY MOM, AND THEY'RE TRYING TO GET TO ME.
IT'S POSSIBLE, BUT STILL, UH,
THE RAMBLINGS OF A MADMAN AREN'T MUCH TO GO ON.
YEAH, BUT IT'S A START. WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO'S MAKING MY MOM SICK AND HOW.
THEN WHAT?
THEN I HUNT THEM, FIND THEM, AND KILL THEM.
[ Female Demon ] YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, I'M THE VICTIM HERE.
FIRST OFF-- I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS ROOM OR THIS CITY OR THIS STATE OR THIS PLANET.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WHOLE MORTAL COIL NOW, YOU KNOW?
IT'S DISGUSTING!
THE FOOD. THE CLOTHES. THE PEOPLE.
I COULD CRAP A BETTER EXISTENCE THAN THIS.
BUT-- OKAY.
AND FEEL FREE TO TELL ME...
IF THIS NEXT PART GETS A LITTLE TOO PERSONAL,
BECAUSE I'M TOLD I HAVE BOUNDARY ISSUES.
BUT I'M HURT!
YES. BY YOUR INCREDIBLY SELFISH BEHAVIOR.
NEWS FLASH, HAIRDO.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
ALL I WANT IS THE KEY!
WH-- WHY--
WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHERE THE KEY IS?
OH.
FORGIVE ME, MONKY.
SOMETIMES I JUST-- I GET SO ANXIOUS--
LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE OF ME,
AND IT'S SWELLING UP, AND IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY--
THAT I FORGET THERE'S ALL THAT DUCT TAPE ON YOUR FACE. [ Whimpers ]
NOW...
TELL ME WHERE...
THE KEY IS. [ Grunts ]
[ Groaning ]
OR I'M GOING BOWLING. [ Groaning Continues ]
[ Sputtering ]
IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. THE STUTTER'S SEXY. KEEP IT COMING.
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
SPEAK AMERICAN!
I... WILL TELL YOU--
[ Breathing Heavily ]
NOTHING.
FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH?
I WISH THAT YOU COULD FEEL WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.
LADY, WHATEVER YOU ARE, WHATEVER YOU'RE ON, PLEASE--
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
[ Man ] I-- I HAVE A WIFE.
HER-- HER NAME'S JENNIFER. WE-- WE HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS.
I BET THIS IS FUN FOR YOU, ISN'T IT?
SAY IT. YOU LIKE TO TORTURE ME.
WHY? YOU DON'T EVEN OWN THE DAMN THING.
AND I WANT IT, I NEED IT, AND I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT NOW.
AND YOU KEEP REFUSING TO TELL ME WHERE THE KEY IS!
AND IT'S TYPICAL-- IT'S TYPICAL-- IT'S TYPICAL--
THE WHOLE MORTAL MEATSACK COMES COMPLETE WITH STINK AND BILE, SWEAT AND PROTEIN--
YES, I SAID HUMANS-- NOT NOW! MOMMY'S TALKING!
WRIGGLING, PILING, PROWLING, CRAWLING, CLOWNING, CAVORTING, DOING IT OVER...
AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL SOMEONE'S GONNA SIT DOWN ON THEIR TUFFET...
AND MAKE THIS BIRTHING STOP!
[ Screams ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Whimpering ]
[ Sighs ]
THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER.
[ Bell Jingling ]
DO YOU GIFT WRAP? DO WE!
DO WE? OH, WE DO. A LITTLE HELP.
NO, NO, NO, UH, G-GROUND, UH, CLOVEN HOOVES...
ARE 30% OFF, UM--
THE OTHER ONES ARE FULL PRICE.
THAT'S, UM, NOT CANDY.
AND, XANDER?
THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM-- PEOPLE.
A-A-AND THEY ALL SEEM TO WANT THINGS.
I HEAR YA.
STAY BRITISH. YOU'LL BE OKAY.
THE THOUSAND-YARD STARE.
DAMN, YOU HATE TO SEE IT ON ANY MAN, BUT ESPECIALLY IN RETAIL.
PLEASE GO.
ANYA, THE SHOPKEEPERS UNION OF AMERICA CALLED.
THEY WANT ME TO TELL YOU THAT "PLEASE GO" JUST GOT REPLACED WITH "HAVE A NICE DAY."
BUT I HAVE THEIR MONEY. WHO CARES WHAT KIND OF DAY THEY HAVE?
NO ONE. IT'S JUST A LONG CULTURAL TRADITION...
OF RAGING INSINCERITY.
EMBRACE IT. [ Bell Jingles ]
HEY, YOU! HAVE A NICE DAY.
THERE'S MY GIRL!
DID YOU EVER THINK IN A MILLION YEARS YOU'D MISS THE HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY?
SOMEONE PUT A SPELL ON MY MOM.
SOMETHING TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE SHE'S SICK.
THAT'S A NEW KINDA NASTY. ANY SUSPECTS?
WELL, I'VE GOT THE LIST NARROWED DOWN TO JUST UNDER INFINITY.
DOES THIS LOOK RIGHT TO YOU?
SURE. IF YOU WRAPPED IT WITH YOUR FEET.
YOU KNOW, BUFFY, THERE USED TO BE THIS FRENCH SORCERER...
BACK IN THE 16th I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT NAMED, UM--
CLOUTIER. SO CUTE IN HIS LITTLE KNICKERS.
BUT HE HAD THIS ONE SPELL DEMONS JUST HATED...
CALLED TIRER LA COUVERTURE.
ROTATE MANY FOOD STUFFS?
PULL THE CURTAIN BACK.
A SPELL TO SEE SPELLS. WELL, A TRANCE TO SEE SPELLS, ACTUALLY.
-BUT YOU GET THE IDEA. TRY THAT. -WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SEE SPELLS"?
UM, ALL SPELLS LEAVE A-A TRACE SIGNATURE.
IT'S JUST NOT PERCEPTIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE. UM--
IN THIS CASE, IT COULD BE THE IMAGE OF A HAND CHOKING YOUR MOTHER.
OR A CLOUD OF MIST AROUND HER.
OR MAYBE THE SHAPE OF THE DEMON THAT'S PERFORMING THE SPELL?
UH, POSSIBLE, YES.
OKAY. SO I'LL DO WHAT MONSIEUR SILK KNICKERS DID.
I'LL GO HOME, I'LL GET TRANCEY, AND I'LL SEE WHAT'S AFFECTING MY MOM.
- I DON'T KNOW, BUFFY. TRANCES? - YES, BUFFY,
THE SORCERER CLOUTIER WAS LEGENDARY. [ Object Thumps ]
HIS-- HIS SKILLS AT ACHIEVING HIGHER STATES OF CONSCIOUSNESS WERE--
BETTER THAN MINE? I KNEW HE WAS GONNA SAY THAT.
BUT I'VE BEEN PRACTICING CONCENTRATION DRILLS. I KNOW I'M CLOSE.
- ARE YOU READY? - IT'S MY MOM.
I'LL GET READY. WHAT DO I NEED?
THANKS FOR COMING OVER. I REALLY APPRECIATE THE HELP.
SURE THING. SO WHAT DO I DO?
LOTS. TONS.
LOTS AND LOTS OF TONS.
THIS IS ALL KIND OF-- NEW TERRAIN?
ALL PRAYIN', NO SLAYIN'.
OKAY, SO THE INCENSE NEEDS TO BE IGNITED,
AND-- AND THERE'S A JOB.
AND THIS STUFF NEEDS TO GET POURED AROUND ME IN A CIRCLE COUNTERCLOCKWISE--
-SO YOU NEED ME TO LIGHT INCENSE AND POUR SAND? -MAGIC INCENSE...
AND-- AND SPOOKY SAND.
- AND THE RITUAL ITSELF IS-- - SOMETHING YOU DO ALONE.
YOU SURE THIS ISN'T YOUR WAY OF TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS--
WHAT ARE THE WORDS-- CUTE AND WEAK AND KITTENISH?
KITTENY.
RIGHT. MUCH MANLIER.
LOOK, UM--
I REALLY AM OKAY. I KNOW.
SO I'M NOT QUITE SUPER GUY ANYMORE.
IT WAS BORROWED POWER ANYWAY. I HAD TO GIVE IT BACK SOMETIME.
I KNOW YOU CAN HANDLE YOURSELF.
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET HURT.
MAYBE INSTEAD OF YOU TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF ME,
WE AGREE TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.
DEAL?
DONE.
GOOD.
FOR LUCK. HEY.
A GIRL NEEDS MORE LUCK THAN THAT.
HAVE A NICE TRIP.
[ Knocking On Door ]
[ Dawn ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MY BOYFRIEND. GO AWAY.
LIAR. ARE YOU DOING MAGIC?
- NO, I'M NOT. - CAN I WATCH?
- NO, YOU CAN'T! - OH, COME ON!
PLEASE! PLEASE, LIKE, TIMES 10 AND CUBED! PLEASE?
OH!
YEAH, WELL, I CAN SMELL YOUR STINKY INCENSE DOWN THE HALL, YOU KNOW.
AND YOUR CLOTHES ARE GONNA REEK.
AND IF YOU ARE DOING MAGIC, I'M SO TELLING.
FINE! GO! GO TELL.
GO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. JUST GO!
[ Sighs ]
- [ Joyce, Distorted ] BUFFY? - MOM.
ARE YOU GOING OUT?
EITHER MODERN MEDICINE'S WORKING OR I JUST TOOK THE WORLD'S BEST PLACEBO.
EITHER WAY, I'M GOING OUT FOR A COUPLE HOURS.
- NOTHING. - HUH?
THERE'S NOTHING.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE FEELING OKAY?
YOU SEEM A LITTLE OUT OF IT.
HEY. BUFFY.
OH. YEAH. I'M FINE.
UH, LONG-- LONG DAY'S ALL.
YOU GO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU'RE SO GROWN UP.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Dawn, Distorted ] BUFFY.
BUFFY!
BUFFY, WHO SAID YOU COULD COME IN MY ROOM?
[ Wind Whistling ]
YOU'RE NOT MY SISTER.
YEAH, LIKE I EVEN WANT TO BE RELATED TO YOUR NASTY--
OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU?
GET OFF ME! YOU WANNA HURT ME?
LET GO OF ME, YOU FREAK! THEN YOU DEAL WITH ME.
I'M TELLING MOM. YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY MOTHER.
[ Grunts ]
[ Telephone Ringing ]
WHAT? [ Giles ] BUFFY?
OH, I'M GLAD I'VE CAUGHT YOU. I THINK WE MAY HAVE...
UNDERESTIMATED WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH.
- GO ON. - UM, IT'S--
WE'VE UNCOVERED MORE THAN EXPECTED ABOUT THIS-- THIS ORB.
UH, IT'S, UM--
IT'S CALLED THE-- THE DAGON SPHERE,
AND IT HAS A HISTORY GOING BACK MANY CENTURIES.
WHAT'S IT DO? IT'S A PROTECTIVE DEVICE...
USED TO WARD OFF ANCIENT PRIMORDIAL EVIL.
ANY WORD ON WHAT THIS EVIL LOOKS LIKE? UNFORTUNATELY, NO.
THIS IS WHERE ACCOUNTS GET-- EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS WHERE ACCOUNTS GET VAGUE.
ALL WE'VE MANAGED TO UNCOVER SO FAR IS, UM--
IS THE DAGON SPHERE WAS CREATED TO REPEL...
"THAT WHICH CANNOT BE NAMED."
I'M GONNA GO BACK TO THE FACTORY WHERE I FOUND IT.
WHOEVER PLANTED THIS DOOHICKEY'S GOT ANSWERS.
BUFFY, YOU'VE HEARD ME SAY THIS BEFORE, BUT DO BE CAREFUL.
ANYTHING THAT GOES UNNAMED IS USUALLY AN OBJECT OF DEEP WORSHIP...
OR GREAT FEAR-- MAYBE BOTH.
HAVE YOU COMPLETED THE TRANCE?
SEEN WHAT'S HARMING YOUR MOTHER?
THAT'S THE THING.
I JUST SAW--
YES?
NOTHING. IT DIDN'T WORK.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SLAYER STUFF. I'M GOING OUT.
DO YOU REALLY THINK I CARE YOU'RE THE SLAYER?
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I'LL BE HOME IN AN HOUR.
MOM'S COMING BACK.
I'LL BE BACK FIRST.
SPIKE.
HI, BUFFY.
DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT--
OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LOOK-- FIVE WORDS OR LESS.
OUT... FOR... A... WALK,
BITCH.
OUT FOR A WALK AT NIGHT BY MY HOUSE.
NO ONE HAS TIME FOR THIS, WILLIAM.
ON YOUR MERRY WAY THEN. [ Scoffs ]
YOU KNOW, CONTRARY TO ONE'S SELF-INVOLVED WORLD VIEW,
YOUR HOUSE HAPPENS TO BE DIRECTLY BETWEEN...
PARTS... AND OTHER PARTS OF THIS TOWN.
AND I WOULD PASS BY IN THE DAY, BUT I FEEL I'M OUTGROWING...
MY WHOLE "BURST INTO FLAME" PHASE.
FINE. KEEP GOING, I CUT YOU A BREAK.
YEAH, OKAY. LET ME GUESS. YOU WON'T KILL ME?
[ Sighs ] OOH!
THE WHOLE "CROWD-PLEASING THREATS AND SWAGGER" ROUTINE.
OUTSTANDINGLY ORIGINAL. YOU KNOW, I'M JUST PASSING THROUGH.
SATISFIED?
YOU KNOW, [ Chuckles ] I REALLY HOPE SO,
'CAUSE GOD KNOWS YOU NEED SOME SATISFACTION IN LIFE...
BESIDES SHAGGING CAPTAIN CARDBOARD.
AND-- AND I NEVER REALLY LIKED YOU ANYWAY,
AND-- AND YOU HAVE STUPID HAIR.
BUFFY?
GIRLS?
WHERE IS EVERYBODY? [ Dawn ] HI, MOM.
[ Gasps ] OH. DAWN.
WHERE'S BUFFY? YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S NEVER PATROLLED BEFORE.
ANYWAY, I WAS FEELING KIND OF, UH--
WHAT'S THE MEDICAL TERM? CRAPPY?
SO I CALLED OFF THE BIG NIGHT OUT.
- WANT TEA, MOM? - MMM.
I MADE IT FOR YOU.
WHOA.
HEY. IT WAS--
IT WAS YOU WHO PLANTED THE DAGON SPHERE, RIGHT?
OH!
I GOT IT.
DON'T WORRY. I'M STRONGER THAN I LOOK.
I'VE HAD EXPERIENCE WITH STUFF LIKE THIS BEFORE.
[ Grunting ] BEST OF ALL,
I'M NOT STUPID.
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT LAST PART?
[ Bell Jingles ]
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE RIP THAT BLOODY BELL OFF ITS HINGES?
WOULD THAT INVOLVE MOVING?
MY FEET ARE NUMB.
I'LL SEE YOUR NUMBNESS, AND I'LL RAISE YOU A LOWER-BACK PAIN.
I THINK I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN DEMONS WOULD JUST CRASH IN HERE...
AND TEAR THE PLACE APART.
- JUST SEEMED SO MUCH SIMPLER. - YOU'RE OUT OF CRYSTAL BALLS.
THOSE BABIES ARE REALLY POPULAR WITH THE AMATEURS.
BETTER RESTOCK AND RAISE THE PRICE 10%. MAKE IT 15.
- ANYA-- - YOUR CASH REGISTER LOOKS LIKE SQUIRRELS NEST IN IT.
- ANYA-- - AND THE HAND OF GLORY PACKS SOME SERIOUS RAW POWER.
- BETTER INSTITUTE A 7-DAY BACKGROUND CHECK FOR-- - ANYA!
WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB?
OKAY.
GOOD. THEN WE CAN TALK SHOP TOMORROW.
OKAY,
BOSS.
HEY, ANY WORD FROM BUFFY ON HOW HER SPELL WENT?
SHE SAID IT DIDN'T WORK.
NOW SHE'S OFF INVESTIGATING...
WHOEVER LEFT THE DAGON SPHERE BEHIND.
YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE SLAYMASTER GENERAL, ARE YOU, BIG "G"?
NO, NO.
JUST HOPE SHE ISN'T DOING ANYTHING TOO RASH.
AND ANOTHER THING-- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW--
THIS WHOLE "BEAT YA TO DEATH" THING I'M DOIN'?
IT'S VALUABLE TIME OUT OF LIFE THAT I'M NEVER GONNA GET BACK.
[ Groans ] WAIT.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY THIS. YOU KNOW THAT THING WITH WORMS...
WHERE IF YOU HAVE ONE, YOU RIP IT IN HALF, YOU GET TWO WORMS?
DO YOU THINK THAT'LL WORK WITH YOU?
YOU HIT ME! WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?
YOU CAN'T GO AROUND... HITTING PEOPLE.
WHAT, WERE YOU... BORN IN A BARN?
FINE. BE THAT WAY. [ Groans ]
[ Grunting ]
I JUST NOTICED SOMETHING. YOU HAVE SUPER POWERS.
THAT IS SO COOL. CAN YOU FLY?
NO!
[ Moaning ]
HEY! HEY, HANDS OFF MY HOLY MAN.
[ RUMBLING ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
STOP, PLEASE.
NO. WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING.
[ Grunting ]
MY JOURNEY IS DONE, I THINK.
DON'T GET METAPHORY ON ME. WE'RE GOING.
UH, YOU HAVE TO-- THE KEY.
YOU MUST PROTECT THE KEY.
FINE. WE CAN PROTECT THE KEY TOGETHER, OKAY?
JUST FAR, FAR FROM HERE.
MANY MORE DIE...
IF YOU DON'T KEEP IT SAFE.
HOW? WHAT IS IT?
THE KEY IS ENERGY.
IT'S A PORTAL.
IT OPENS THE DOOR.
THE-- THE DAGON SPHERE? NO.
FOR CENTURIES, IT HAD NO FORM AT ALL.
MY BRETHREN,
ITS ONLY KEEPERS.
THEN... THE ABOMINATION...
FOUND US.
WE HAD TO HIDE THE KEY.
GAVE IT FORM, MOLDED IT FLESH,
MADE IT HUMAN AND SENT IT TO YOU.
DAWN.
SHE'S THE KEY.
YOU PUT THAT IN MY HOUSE?
WE KNEW THE SLAYER WOULD PROTECT.
MY MEMORIES, MY MOM'S--
- WE BUILT THEM. - THEN UNBUILD THEM.
THIS IS MY LIFE YOU'RE-- [ Coughing ]
YOU CANNOT ABANDON.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW-- WHAT IS SHE?
HUMAN.
NOW HUMAN... AND HELPLESS.
PLEASE.
SHE'S AN INNOCENT IN THIS.
SHE NEEDS YOU.
SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT.
YOU'RE HOME.
I WASN'T BOTHERING HER.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
NOTHING.
SISTER STUFF.
[ Dawn ] GO AWAY.
I'M SORRY.
YOU HURT MY ARM. I KNOW.
BUTTHOLE.
REALLY SORRY.
I TELL YOU I HAVE THIS THEORY?
IT GOES WHERE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NOT MY SISTER,
'CAUSE MOM ADOPTED YOU FROM A SHOE BOX FULL OF BABY HOWLER MONKEYS...
AND NEVER TOLD YOU 'CAUSE IT COULD HURT YOUR DELICATE BABY FEELINGS.
THAT'S YOUR THEORY?
EXPLAINS YOUR FASHION SENSE... AND SMELL.
I'M SORRY, OKAY?
BROKEN RECORD, MUCH?
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE AN APOLOGY.
YOU ALWAYS DO THAT, EVER SIN--
I JUST HAD A BAD DAY.
WELL, JOIN THE CLUB.
CAN I BE PRESIDENT? I'M PRESIDENT.
YOU COULD BE THE JANITOR.
OKAY.
BUFFY? YEAH?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MOM?
I DON'T KNOW.
GRR! ARRGH!