Willow: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
THIS IS...MY WORLD IS SPINNING.
Xander: IT'S NOT THAT BAD, WILLOW, REALLY.
740, VERBAL?
I'M PATHETIC! ILLITERATE!
I'M CLETUS, THE SLACK-JAWED YOKEL.
THAT'S RIGHT. AND THE FACT THAT YOUR 740, VERBAL
CLOSELY RESEMBLES MY COMBINED SCORES IN NO WAY COMPROMISES
YOUR POSITION AS THE VILLAGE IDIOT.
I JUST...
WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
YOU DID AMAZING, WILLOW.
AS USUAL.
Cordelia: YOU GUYS GET YOUR SCORES?
CORDELIA! WILLOW IS VERY SAD
BY HER ACADEMIC FAILURE.
HOW DID YOU DO?
THIS IS NOT GOOD. WHAT'S NOT GOOD?
I'M JUST WORRIED THAT IT MAY HURT MY STANDING AS CAMPUS STUD
WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT I'M DATING A BRAIN.
PLEASE. I HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE
IN COVERING THESE THINGS UP.
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D BE UPSET.
THAT WAS MY SARCASTIC VOICE.
IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE YOUR REGULAR VOICE.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT.
WE SHOULD CELEBRATE, DO SOMETHING.
LIKE, THE 4 OF US?
A DOUBLE DATE!
IT COULD HAVE POTENTIAL.
Willow: BUFFY! HEY, DID YOU GET YOUR S.A.T. SCORES?
BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE,
I'M GUESSING YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE MANNING
THE DRIVE-THRU WINDOW SIDE BY SIDE.
THEY'RE JUST TEST SCORES, RIGHT?
WHAT DO THEY REALLY MEAN, ANYWAY?
1430! BUFFY, YOU KICKED ASS!
OK, SO ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT GETS ME A LITTLE EXCITED.
Xander: BUFF, THAT'S AMAZING.
LET ME SEE THAT.
YEAH. WITH SCORES LIKE THAT,
YOU CAN APPLY PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE YOU WANT.
BUFFY, THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR WHOLE FUTURE.
THE THOUGHT HAD OCCURRED TO ME.
THEN WHY THE SOUR PUSS?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS...MY FUTURE.
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
I WASN'T EVEN SURE I WAS GOING TO HAVE ONE.
I THINK THIS IS GREAT.
NOW YOU CAN LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK!
WELL, I MEAN THAT IN A POSITIVE WAY.
GET OUT OF SUNNYDALE. THAT'S A GOOD THING.
WHAT KIND OF MORON WOULD EVER WANT TO COME BACK HERE?
[TIRES SQUEAL]
HOME...SWEET...HOME.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ AND MORE ♪
♪ MUCH MORE THAN THIS ♪
♪ I DID IT MY WAY ♪
DRUSCILLA! I'M HOME! HA HA HA!
[CRYING]
WHY DID YOU DO IT, BABY? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
WE WERE HAPPY HERE.
[GROWLS]
YOU...STUPID... WORTHLESS...BITCH!
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.
Xander: COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DO SOMETHING...
YOU KNOW, CLASSY?
WHAT'S CLASSIER THAN BOWLING?
APART FROM EVERYTHING EVER? LET'S SEE...
OZ AND WILLOW ARE DOWN. YOU'RE THE SWING VOTE.
I GUARANTEE FUN.
HA HA!
HEY, THOSE ARE FROM THE PIER.
YEAH. I JUST GOT THEM DEVELOPED.
THERE'S PICTURES. OF ME. IN YOUR LOCKER.
I NEVER KNEW I WAS LOCKER-DOOR MATERIAL.
WELL...JUST BARELY.
BESIDES, I LOOK REALLY CUTE IN THOSE PICTURES.
Oz: HEY. SO WHAT'S THE VERDICT? DO WE BOWL?
WE BOWL.
GREAT! DOUBLE BOWLING DATE.
I'M ON OZ'S TEAM.
YEAH? WELL, PREPARE TO BE CRUSHED.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PRACTICE.
YEAH.
THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE. I'M REALLY GOOD.
OR I USED TO BE, WHEN THEY HAD
THE INFLATABLE THINGS IN THE GUTTERS.
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S A GIFT.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
PRETTY MUCH YOU ARE.
IT'S A LITTLE PEZ WITCH!
IT'S KIND OF A THEME PRESENT. DO YOU LIKE IT?
I LIKE... I--I MORE THAN LIKE.
OZ, THIS IS PROBABLY THE SWEETEST--
WE HAVE TO FIND A LITTLE PEZ WEREWOLF
SO LITTLE PEZ WITCH CAN HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
I DON'T THINK THEY MAKE A WEREWOLF PEZ.
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A WACKY CARTOON DOG.
THIS IS... JUST SO THOUGHTFUL.
WELL, I THINK ABOUT YOU.
OH...I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE YOU.
YEAH, YOU DO.
BUFFY, THIS IS REMARKABLE.
SO IS THIS. WHERE IS THIS RETREAT THINGY, THE YUKON?
IT'S QUITE NEARBY, ACTUALLY.
IT'S THE CLEARING AT THE TOP OF BREAKER'S WOODS.
IT'S THE SITE OF SOME FASCINATING DRUIDIC RITUALS.
OK, BUT YOU'RE JUST GOING FOR A FEW DAYS, RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SETTLE THERE AND GROW CROPS OR ANYTHING.
WHAT? OH, MY GEAR.
NO, THIS IS-- THIS IS BASIC NECESSITIES.
GILES, YOU PACK LIKE ME.
HERE. I SUSPECT YOUR MOTHER WILL WANT
TO PUT IT ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
YEAH. SHE SAW THESE SCORES, AND HER HEAD SPUN AROUND AND EXPLODED.
I'VE BEEN ON THE HELLMOUTH TOO LONG.
THAT WAS METAPHORICAL, YES?
YES. SHE WAS HAPPY.
SHE STARTED WITH ALL THIS CRAZY TALK ABOUT ME GOING TO COLLEGE,
MAYBE SOMEPLACE ELSE.
I KNOW. I SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE A GOAT.
RESPONSIBILITIES AND ALL. I KNOW THE DRILL.
SHE MAY BE RIGHT.
YEAH, I KNOW, I FIGURED YOU'D--
OK. BE KIND, REWIND.
WITH SCORES LIKE THESE, BUFFY,
YOU COULD HAVE A FIRST-RATE EDUCATION.
I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU IGNORE YOUR CALLING, BUT...
YOU NEED TO LOOK TO YOUR FUTURE.
AND WITH FAITH HERE,
IT MAY BE THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON, FOR A TIME, AT LEAST.
WOW.
WELL, LET'S DISCUSS IT WHEN I GET BACK.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I'D LIKE YOU TO CONTINUE TRAINING WHILE I'M GONE,
AND PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.
ANYTHING RASH MEANING...
ARE YOU PLANNING ON SEEING ANGEL?
YES, ACTUALLY, I AM.
LOOK, BUT THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY RASH. ANYWHERE.
OK. WE'RE FRIENDS. THAT'S ALL EITHER OF US WANTS.
NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
Willow: SOMETHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
Xander: LIKE WHAT?
IT'S A MISTAKE. IT'S A TERRIBLE, FATAL MISTAKE.
I SEE THAT NOW.
IT'S JUST BOWLING.
IT'S BAD BOWLING. IT'S A DOUBLE DATE, WITH ALL OF US.
THEY'RE GOING TO KNOW.
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW?
IT'S A VERY INTIMATE SITUATION.
IT'S ALL SEXY WITH THE SMOKE AND THE SWEATING
AND THE SHOE RENTAL...
YOU'RE TURNED ON BY RENTED SHOES?
THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE.
OK, WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW?
THAT WE'RE FRIENDS-- OLD, OLD FRIENDS.
MAYBE WE'VE HAD ONE OR TWO INDISCRETIONS, BUT THAT'S ALL PAST.
LOOK. WE'RE JUST VERY GOOD FRIENDS WHO LIKE TO HANG OUT,
AND CAN I KISS YOUR EARLOBE?
NO! WELL, OK.
NO!
PEZ!
MAYBE BOWLING MIGHT BE TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.
MAN!
I WISH I WASN'T SO ATTRACTED TO YOU.
I WISH WE COULD MAKE IT ALL STOP.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
Joyce: CARNEGIE-MELLON HAS A WONDERFUL DESIGN CURRICULUM.
OH, AND BROWN UNIVERSITY'S HISTORY PROGRAM IS-- YOU LIKE HISTORY, RIGHT?
COULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS ANOTHER TIME?
ALL DAY IT'S BEEN LIKE, "CONGRATULATIONS!" "GO AWAY."
THAT'S NOT IT. IT'S JUST YOU BELONG AT A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED COLLEGE
WITH KEG PARTIES AND BOYS, NOT HERE WITH HELLMOUTHS AND VAMPIRES.
[BEEPING] NOT REALLY SEEING THE DISTINCTION.
YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU WISH YOU COULD LEAD A MORE NORMAL LIFE.
WELL, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE.
YEAH, IT'S JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE.
I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.
I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT I SPOKE WITH MR. GILES, AND HE SAID--
THAT FAITH COULD BE MISS SUNNYDALE IN THE SLAYER PAGEANT. I KNOW.
IT'S TIME TO THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE, BUFFY-- ABOUT YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
I MEAN, HONESTLY, IS THERE ANYTHING KEEPING YOU HERE?
HMMPH!
YEAH, YOU...
YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF YOU?
WE WERE HAPPY.
YOU BRAINWASHED HER. I COULD JUST...
YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S A COOL GUY.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN.
WHOA! AAH!
AAH!
OHH!
THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH.
DID YOU COME IN THROUGH THE BACK?
YEAH. I NEED A CURSE.
A WHAT?
A CURSE! SOMETHING NASTY.
BOILS. I WANT TO GIVE HIM BOILS ALL OVER HIS FACE.
YOU KNOW, DRIPPING PUSTULES. LET'S REALLY GO FOR THE GUSTO HERE.
I'M HEARING A LOT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY, AND I BET--
LEPROSY! A SPELL THAT MAKES HIS PARTS FALL OFF. THAT SOUNDS PROPER.
WE DON'T CARRY... LEPROSY.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME A MOMENT?
Clerk: BLESSED BE. ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR I CAN HELP YOU FIND?
YEAH. IT'S ALL HERE ON THE LIST.
SKINCRUTE, ESSENCE OF ROSETHORN, CANARY FEATHERS.
AHA! A LOVE SPELL. WANT THAT OLD LOVER TO COME BACK TO YOU?
ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
NO. I MEAN, YES. I KNOW HOW TO DO A LOVE SPELL,
BUT THIS IS MORE OF AN ANTI-LOVE SPELL.
YEAH. KIND OF A DE-LUSTING.
THE SUPPLIES ARE BASICALLY THE SAME, RIGHT?
BASICALLY.
ALTHOUGH RAVEN FEATHERS TEND TO BREED
A LITTLE MORE DISCONTENT THAN CANARY.
LET ME JUST GET SOME THINGS...
Clerk: OK.
MM-HMM.
THAT WILL BE $15.80 FOR THE LOT.
THANKS!
SO, DID YOU FIND A SPELL BOOK?
FORGET THE BOOK.
I JUST GOT A BETTER IDEA.
[TAP]
OH, LOOK AT THAT!
EVERY TIME, CUTS TO THE LEFT.
SEE, AND IT'S NOT THE CARPET. IT'S ME.
I SWEAR, I WOULD SELL MY SOUL FOR A DECENT SHORT GAME.
OF COURSE, IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT. HA!
I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD OFFER YOUR SOUL, HUH?
REALLY HELP ME ON THE GREEN.
I'M JUST FUNNING.
SO, WE HAVE A SPIKE PROBLEM, DO WE?
HE'S BEEN SPOTTED BACK IN TOWN.
AND THERE WAS AN INCIDENT AT A MAGIC SHOP IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
POLICE HAD A HELL OF A TIME COVERING IT UP.
HA HA HA! YES, HE WAS UP TO ALL SORTS OF SHENANIGANS LAST YEAR.
WE HAD A WORLD OF FUN TRYING TO GUESS WHAT HE'D DO NEXT.
I REMEMBER.
[WHISTLES]
BUT I GUESS WE'RE PAST THAT NOW.
THIS YEAR IS TOO IMPORTANT
TO LET A LOOSE CANNON ROCK THE BOAT.
SHOULD I HAVE MR. TRICK SEND A...
COMMITTEE TO DEAL WITH THIS?
LOOSE CANNON. ROCK THE BOAT. IS THAT A MIXED METAPHOR?
UH...
BOATS DID HAVE CANNONS,
AND A LOOSE ONE WOULD CAUSE IT TO ROCK.
OH, HONESTLY. I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND GOES THESE DAYS.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT SPIKE PROBLEM?
A COMMITTEE, LIKE YOU SAID.
AS GOOD AS DONE.
THAT'S SWELL. FORE!
HEY!
COLLEGE, HUH?
HIGHER EDUCATION. KIND OF AN INTENSE PROPOSITION.
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
I HAVE NO IDEA. MY MOM WAS THE ONE THAT GOT ALL THESE.
SHE'S SO EXCITED, SHE CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I HAD A REALLY HARD TIME COMING UP WITH AN ALIBI SO I COULD COME OVER HERE.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ME.
BIG NO.
SHE'S HAVING ENOUGH TROUBLE DEALING WITH THE SLAYER ISSUE.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S READY TO PROCESS THE INFORMATION THAT...
YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS AGAIN.
ANYWAY, I THINK THIS COLLEGE JONES
IS JUST A REACTION TO THE WHOLE SLAYER THING.
SHE WANTS YOU TO GET OUT.
SOMEPLACE A LITTLE LESS HELLMOUTHY.
SHE HAS A POINT, BUT THERE ARE REASONS TO STAY, TOO.
WHAT ARE THEY?
UM...YOU KNOW, THERE'S MY SLAYER DUTIES, OBVIOUSLY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
AS A FRIEND, I...
I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE.
THIS IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU.
YEAH. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANY GREAT THING KEEPING ME HERE.
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. IT'S ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE TO CONSIDER.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU JUST GOT HERE. IT'S EARLY.
YEAH, WELL, MY MOM STARTS WORRYING A LOT EARLIER THESE DAYS.
I'LL STOP BY SOON.
WHOA! IT SMELLS LIKE CHURCH IN HERE.
NO, WAIT... EVIL CHURCH.
IT'S JUST CHEMISTRY STUFF. AN EXPERIMENT.
SO YOU SAID WHEN YOU CALLED.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HERE?
IT WILL HELP YOU ON THE EXAM. YOU'RE WAY BEHIND.
BUT THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME, RIGHT?
ACADEMICALLY DANGEROUS?
HERE. HOLD THIS.
A FEATHER. AND WHO WILL I BE TICKLING?
SHUSH.
OK. BRING MIXTURE TO A BOIL...
I ASSUME THIS WON'T MAKE US LATE
FOR OUR EVENING OF BOWLING MAGIC?
THERE'S NO MAGIC! I MEAN, BOWLING, YEAH.
CORDELIA AND OZ ARE GOING TO MEET US HERE LATER.
CAN WE TURN THESE LIGHTS ON?
IS THAT A SPELL BOOK?
NO, NO, NO! CHEMISTRY BOOK.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS LOVE SPELL STUFF. YOU DOING A LOVE SPELL?
NO. OF COURSE NOT. THIS IS A PURELY SCIENTIFIC...
DE-LUSTING SPELL... FOR US.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
ARE YOU NUTS, OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
THAT I TEND TO HAVE BAD LUCK WITH THESE SORTS OF SPELLS?
BUT YOU SAID YOU WISHED THAT THESE FEELINGS COULD JUST GO AWAY.
I WISH FOR A LOT OF THINGS!
I TOLD YOU I WISHED I WAS A FIREMAN WHEN WE WERE IN SIXTH GRADE,
BUT YOU DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT!
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, XANDER!
I MEAN, THIS WHOLE "US" THING IS... BLEAGH!
DO YOU REALLY NEED TO RESORT TO THE BLACK ARTS
TO KEEP OUR HORMONES IN CHECK?
AT THIS POINT, I'M THINKING NO.
I'M GOING TO GET THE LIGHTS,
CLEAN THIS PLACE UP BEFORE THEY GET HERE
AND START ASKING QUESTIONS.
XANDER!
I NEED TO BORROW THE LITTLE GIRL.
YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
UHH!
THREATENING ME? THAT'S NOT NICE.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE VERY BEST FRIENDS.
XANDER!
Spike: A SPELL. FOR ME.
YOU'RE GOING TO DO A SPELL FOR ME.
UH, WHAT KIND OF SPELL?
A LOVE SPELL! ARE YOU BRAIN-DEAD?
I'M GOING TO GET WHAT'S MINE. WHAT'S MINE!
TEACH HER TO WALK OUT ON ME.
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
NOTHING.
YOU CAN DO IT, RIGHT? YOU CAN MAKE DRU LOVE ME AGAIN?
MAKE HER CRAWL!
I-I CAN TRY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, TRYING? YOU'LL DO IT!
YES, I'LL DO IT!
YOU LIE TO ME, AND I'LL SHOVE THIS THROUGH YOUR FACE!
YOU WANT THAT? RIGHT THROUGH TO YOUR BRAIN!
NO. PLEASE, NO.
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN KILL ME.
SHE JUST LEFT.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO CUT OFF MY HEAD
OR SET ME ON FIRE.
I MEAN, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
YOU KNOW? SOME LITTLE SIGN THAT SHE CARED?
IT WAS THAT TRUCE WITH BUFFY THAT DID IT.
DRU SAID I'D GONE SOFT--
WASN'T DEMON ENOUGH FOR THE LIKES OF HER.
I TOLD HER IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING,
I WAS THINKING OF HER THE WHOLE TIME,
BUT SHE DIDN'T CARE.
SO, WE GOT TO BRAZIL, AND SHE WAS...
SHE WAS JUST DIFFERENT.
I GAVE HER EVERYTHING:
BEAUTIFUL JEWELS, BEAUTIFUL DRESSES
WITH BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN THEM,
BUT NOTHING MADE HER HAPPY.
AND SHE WOULD FLIRT!
I CAUGHT HER ON A PARK BENCH,
MAKING OUT WITH A CHAOS DEMON!
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CHAOS DEMON?
THEY'RE ALL SLIME AND ANTLERS. THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
SHE ONLY DID IT TO HURT ME.
SO I SAID, "I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS ANYMORE."
AND SHE SAID, "FINE!"
AND I SAID, "YEAH, I'VE GOT AN UNLIFE, YOU KNOW!"
AND THEN SHE SAID... SHE SAID WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.
GOD, I'M SO UNHAPPY!
THERE, THERE.
I MEAN, FRIENDS! HOW COULD SHE BE SO CRUEL?
MMM.
THAT SMELL...
YOUR NECK...
I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN WEEKS.
WHOA! NO! HOLD IT!
WELL, UNLESS YOU COUNT THAT SHOPKEEPER.
NOW, HOLD ON!
I'LL DO YOUR SPELL FOR YOU, AND--AND--
AND I'LL GET YOU DRUSCILLA BACK,
BUT THERE WILL BE NO BOTTLE IN FACE,
AND THERE WILL BE NO "HAVING" OF ANY KIND WITH ME.
ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
GET STARTED.
NOW, I'M NOT A REAL WITCH, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS
GOING TO WORK RIGHT AWAY.
WELL, IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,
I'LL KILL HIM, AND YOU TRY AGAIN.
THIS ISN'T ENOUGH.
WHAT?
WELL, THERE ARE OTHER INGREDIENTS, AND...
AND A BOOK. I NEED A SPELL BOOK. THIS ISN'T IT.
YOU'VE GOT ONE, THOUGH, AT HOME?
NOT AT HOME. I LEFT IT SOMEWHERE.
WHERE?
THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE DATES TONIGHT.
SOMETHING'S UP.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET IN HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.
WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?
I'M THINKING WEIRD SCIENCE.
WAS WILLOW MESSING WITH HER MAGIC TRICKS AGAIN?
MAYBE THEY DISAPPEARED.
MAYBE SHE TURNED XANDER INTO SOMETHING ISHY!
WHATEVER HAPPENED, THERE WAS OBVIOUSLY A FIGHT.
I DON'T SEE ANY BLOOD.
EITHER THEY WERE TAKEN, OR THEY RAN, OR MAYBE--
YOU'RE HAVING TOO MANY OR's! PICK ONE!
I DON'T KNOW. I NEED YOU GUYS TO FIND GILES, OK?
I'M GOING TO LOOK FOR THEM. MAYBE THEY DIDN'T GET TOO FAR.
WHERE IS GILES?
HE'S AT A RETREAT IN THE CLEARING IN BREAKER'S WOODS.
I KNOW THE SPOT, BUT IT'S LIKE A 45-MINUTE DRIVE.
SO MOTOR!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
GILES?
Joyce: HI, BUFFY. YOU STILL WORKING OUT?
UH, NO, MOM, ACTUALLY--
I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD SCHEDULE A COLLEGE TALK LATER TONIGHT.
I ADMIT I... OVERREACTED BEFORE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
I PICKED UP SOME BROCHURES FROM SOME NEARBY SCHOOLS, OK?
THAT'S GREAT, BUT NOW'S REALLY NOT A--
Spike: HELLO, JOYCE.
Spike: SO I'M STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK, LOOKING FOR A MEAL.
I HAPPEN TO WALK BY, AND SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH A CHAOS DEMON!
AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS."
AND SHE SAID, "FINE!"
SO I SAID, "FINE, DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE!"
I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO MAKE UP, YOU KNOW.
WELL, SHE SOUNDS VERY UNREASONABLE.
SHE IS. SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.
THAT'S WHAT I MISS MOST ABOUT HER.
SPIKE, SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN TWO PEOPLE SEEM RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER,
THEIR LIVES JUST TAKE DIFFERENT PATHS.
WHEN BUFFY'S FATHER AND I--
NO, THIS IS DIFFERENT. OUR LOVE WAS ETERNAL. LITERALLY.
YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS?
WELL, LET ME LOOK.
UHH!
SPIKE.
OH, MY GOD. GET OUT OF HERE.
YEAH. YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
Joyce: HE'S CRAZY. HE'LL KILL US.
NOT WHILE I BREATHE. WELL, ACTUALLY, I DON'T BREATHE.
JOYCE, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE, OR I WILL STAKE YOU MYSELF.
YOU'RE A VERY BAD MAN.
JOYCE, YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM. INVITE ME IN.
YOU TOUCH HER, AND I'LL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!
YEAH? YOU AND WHAT ARMY?
Buffy: THAT WOULD BE ME.
ANGEL, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN?
Joyce: OH! OH, NO!
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME BACK, SPIKE.
I DO WHAT I PLEASE.
OK, I'M CONFUSED AGAIN.
WILLOW!
YOU TOOK WILLOW.
YOU DO ME NOW, YOU'LL NEVER FIND THE LITTLE WITCH.
Joyce: WILLOW'S A WITCH?
AND XANDER?
HIM, TOO.
XANDER'S A WITCH?
WHERE ARE THEY?
DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, PEACHES.
AND WHEN DID YOU BECOME ALL SOUL-HAVING AGAIN? I THOUGHT YOU OUT-GREW THAT.
YOUR FRIEND'S GOING TO WORK A LITTLE MAGIC FOR ME.
SHE DOES MY SPELL, I LET THEM BOTH GO.
YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS FOR KEEPING YOUR PROMISES, SPIKE.
WELL, YOU AND YOUR GREAT POOF HERE WANT TO TAG ALONG, THAT'S FINE.
BUT YOU GET IN MY WAY,
AND YOU KILL YOUR FRIENDS.
WHAT IF THEY WERE KIDNAPPED BY COLOMBIAN DRUG LORDS?
THEY COULD BE CUTTING OFF XANDER'S EAR RIGHT NOW!
OR OTHER PARTS!
[SNIFFS]
HELLO?
[SNIFFING]
IT'S WILLOW. SHE'S NEARBY.
WHAT? YOU CAN SMELL HER?
SHE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR PERFUME.
SHE'S AFRAID.
OH, MY GOD. IS THIS SOME SORT OF RESIDUAL WEREWOLF THING?
THIS IS VERY DISTURBING.
I REALLY AGREE.
LOOK, I JUST NEED A FEW SUPPLIES,
AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO--
OH, GOD.
WHAT'S WRONG, NOT THAT I CARE?
OH...MY HEAD. I THINK I'M SOBERING UP.
IT'S HORRIBLE.
OH, GOD. I WISH I WAS DEAD.
WELL, IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND WISH REAL HARD...
HEY! BACK OFF!
BUFFY, WE STILL NEED HIM TO FIND THE OTHERS.
NEED HIM? HE'S PROBABLY JUST GOT THEM LOCKED UP IN THE FACTORY.
WELL, HEY, HOW THICK DO YOU THINK I AM?
FINE. CAN WE JUST GET THIS OVER WITH?
Spike: OH, GOD.
NOW WHAT?
WE KILLED A HOMELESS MAN ON THIS BENCH.
ME AND DRU.
THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES.
YOU KNOW, HE BEGGED FOR MERCY,
AND YOU KNOW, THAT ONLY MADE HER BITE HARDER.
I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
YOUR WORK?
HERE'S YOUR LIST.
"ESSENCE OF VIOLET, CLOVES--" ANGEL?
RIGHT.
"SET OF RUNIC TABLETS." SPIKE CAN GET THE RAT'S EYES.
I USED TO BRING HER RATS. WITH THE MORNING PAPER.
GREAT. MORE MOPING. THAT'S GOING TO GET HER BACK.
THE SPELL'S GOING TO GET HER BACK.
Angel: LOT OF TROUBLE FOR SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT YOU.
SHUT YOUR GOB.
SHE REALLY IS JUST KIND OF FICKLE.
SHUT UP!
WHAT DO YOU KNOW? IT'S YOUR FAULT, THE BOTH OF YOU!
SHE BELONGS WITH ME.
I'M NOTHING WITHOUT HER.
THAT I'LL HAVE TO AGREE WITH.
YOU'RE PATHETIC, YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU'RE NOT EVEN A LOSER ANYMORE.
YOU'RE A SHELL OF A LOSER.
YEAH. YOU'RE ONE TO TALK.
MEANING?
THE LAST TIME I LOOKED IN ON YOU TWO, YOU WERE FIGHTING TO THE DEATH.
NOW YOU'RE BACK MAKING GOOGLY-EYES AT EACH OTHER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
MAKES ME WANT TO HEAVE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS.
Angel: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT FRIENDS.
YOU'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS.
YOU'LL BE IN LOVE TILL IT KILLS YOU BOTH.
YOU'LL FIGHT, AND YOU'LL SHAG,
AND YOU'LL HATE EACH OTHER UNTIL IT MAKES YOU QUIVER,
BUT YOU'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS.
LOVE ISN'T BRAINS, CHILDREN, IT'S BLOOD--
BLOOD SCREAMING INSIDE YOU TO WORK ITS WILL.
I MAY BE LOVE'S BITCH,
BUT AT LEAST I'M MAN ENOUGH TO ADMIT IT.
EYE OF RAT.
UHH! UHH!
UHH!
[XANDER MOANS]
XANDER?
ARE YOU OK?
DIZZY.
KIND OF NAUSEOUS, TOO.
DO I REMEMBER HAVING A FIGHT WITH SPIKE?
YOU DO.
I WON, RIGHT?
KICKED HIS ASS?
YOU WERE REAL BRAVE.
DO YOU NEED TO BARF?
NO, I'LL BE OK.
WHERE ARE WE?
THE FACTORY. WE'RE LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT.
THAT BURNT-OUT PLACE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?
SO WE'RE PRETTY MUCH IN A "SCREAM ALL YOU WANT" SCENARIO.
PRETTY MUCH.
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST KILL US?
HE WANTS ME TO DO A LOVE SPELL.
WHAT?
DRUSCILLA BROKE UP WITH HIM.
GEE, AND WE HAD ALL HOPED THOSE CRAZY KIDS
WOULD MAKE IT WORK.
HE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
I MEAN, NOT THAT HE WAS JOE RESTRAINT IN THE OLD DAYS.
SO WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS?
WELL, I FIGURE EITHER I REFUSE TO DO THE SPELL AND HE KILLS US,
OR I DO THE SPELL AND HE KILLS US.
GIVE ME A THIRD OPTION.
HE'S SO DRUNK HE FORGETS ABOUT US, AND WE STARVE TO DEATH.
THAT'S SORT OF THE BEST ONE.
WILLOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.
IF HE'S SO DRUNK, HE'LL GET SLOPPY,
AND THEN I'LL MAKE MY MOVE.
AS LONG AS MY MOVE DOESN'T INVOLVE STANDING UP
OR USING MY LIMBS, WE'LL BE OK.
WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.
EXEMPTION FOR IMPENDING DEATH SITUATION.
OH, GOD!
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD, OZ.
WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.
CORDY, I--
CORDELIA!
[WHISPERING] I fell...
Buffy: OK, SPIKE, WE GOT THE STUFF. WHERE ARE THEY?
WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?
MY HURRY IS MY INTENSE DESIRE TO GET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.
YOU TEND TO CAUSE TROUBLE.
I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE IN A FEW SHORT HOURS.
NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
Man: HELLO, SPIKE.
NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
Spike: LENNY. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
Lenny: BETTER SINCE YOU LEFT. YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED GONE.
IS THAT RIGHT?
Buffy: HE WAS JUST LEAVING. DON'T YOU START ANYTHING.
THIS PISSANT USED TO WORK FOR ME.
THE GUYS ARE IN TROUBLE. WE CAN'T RISK THIS.
Angel: I DON'T THINK WE HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU OTHER TWO CAN WALK AWAY FROM THIS.
I DIE, YOUR CHUMS DIE.
Buffy: SORRY. WE'RE STAYING.
NOT FOR LONG!
OH!
[CHAIR LEG FALLS]
GO!
Spike: THIS SHOULD BE A KICK.
I VIOLENTLY DISLIKE YOU.
[DOOR BROKEN IN]
BE CAREFUL.
YEAH.
OH, GOD.
Willow: DON'T MOVE, CORDY. OZ WENT TO GET HELP.
AAH!
WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.
CAN WE GET TO THE ROOF?
Lenny: YEAH. I HEARD YOU'D GONE SOFT.
SAD TO SEE IT, MAN.
SOFT?
YEAH, LIKE BABY FOOD.
WELL, THEN, LET'S GIVE BABY A TASTE.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT UP TO YOUR FULL STRENGTH YET.
THAT WINDOW'S ABOUT TO GO.
BUFFY.
BABY LIKE HIS SUPPER? BABY LIKE HIS SUPPER?
WHY DOESN'T BABY HAVE A NAP?
Buffy: SPIKE! GET DOWN!
UHH!
NOW, THAT WAS FUN.
OH, DON'T TELL ME THAT WASN'T FUN.
HA HA!
GOD! IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAD
A DECENT SPOT OF VIOLENCE.
REALLY PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.
OH, YEAH. YOU TWO. JUST FRIENDS. NO DANGER THERE.
COULD WE JUST DO THE DAMN SPELL NOW?
OH, SOD THE SPELL. YOUR FRIENDS ARE AT THE FACTORY.
I'M REALLY GLAD I CAME HERE, YOU KNOW?
I'VE BEEN ALL WRONGHEADED ABOUT THIS--
WEEPING, CRAWLING, BLAMING EVERYBODY ELSE.
I WANT DRU BACK, I JUST GOT TO BE THE MAN I WAS,
THE MAN SHE LOVED.
I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE--
I'LL FIND HER, WHEREVER SHE IS,
TIE HER UP, TORTURE HER UNTIL SHE LIKES ME AGAIN.
LOVE'S A FUNNY THING.
[CORDELIA MOANS]
CORDY? PLEASE HOLD ON.
XANDER?
I CAN'T SEE YOU.
[EXHALES]
CORDY!
HE CREATED ALL THINGS IN ORDER THAT THEY MIGHT EXIST.
AND THE GENERATIVE FORCES OF THIS WORLD ARE WHOLESOME...
AND THERE IS NO DESTRUCTIVE POISON IN THEM...
FOR THE DOMINION OF HADES IS NOT ON EARTH, FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS IS IMMORTAL.
SO CORDELIA'S GOING TO BE OK?
SHE LOST A LOT OF BLOOD. NONE OF HER VITALS WERE PUNCTURED.
HAS SHE TALKED TO XANDER YET?
SHE WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE VISITORS AT FIRST.
HE'S GOING TO SEE HER TODAY.
AND OZ?
I NEVER KNEW THERE WAS ANYTHING INSIDE ME THAT COULD FEEL THIS BAD.
FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED.
I WANTED EVERYTHING.
AND NOW...
I JUST...I JUST WANT HIM TO TALK TO ME AGAIN.
JUST GIVE IT SOME TIME...
AND BE PREPARED FOR SOME GROVELING.
OH, I'M READY. I'M ALL OVER GROVELING.
GOOD. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I HEAR SOMETIMES IT WORKS.
[KNOCKING]
CAN I COME IN?
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME SEE YOU UNTIL NOW.
THOSE ARE FLOWERS.
LOOK, CORDY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I--
XANDER?
YEAH.
STAY AWAY FROM ME.
[CRYING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
HEY.
I WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU WERE COMING.
I'M NOT COMING BACK.
WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.
WE NEVER WERE.
AND I CAN FOOL GILES,
AND I CAN FOOL MY FRIENDS,
BUT I CAN'T FOOL MYSELF.
OR SPIKE, FOR SOME REASON.
WHAT I WANT FROM YOU I CAN NEVER HAVE.
YOU DON'T NEED ME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ANYMORE.
SO I'M GOING TO GO.
I DON'T ACCEPT THAT.
YOU HAVE TO.
LOOK.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY WE CAN STILL SEE EACH OTHER.
THERE IS.
TELL ME THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
Spike, singing with radio: ♪ I PLAN EACH CHARTED COURSE ♪
♪ EACH LITTLE STEP ALONG THE HIGHWAY ♪
♪ AND MORE, MUCH MORE THAN THIS ♪
♪ I DID IT MY ♪
♪ WAY ♪
GRR ARG!