Xander: SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S NICE.
BUT DO YOU THINK CORDELIA WILL LIKE IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WILL SHE KNOW WHAT ONE OF THESE IS?
HA HA.
OK, BIG YUKS.
WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GONNA STOP MAKING FUN OF ME
FOR DATING CORDELIA?
I'M SORRY.
BUT NEVER.
I JUST THINK YOU COULD FIND SOMEBODY MORE...
BETTER.
PARALLEL UNIVERSE, MAYBE.
HERE THE ONLY OTHER PERSON
I'M INTERESTED IN IS, UM...
UNAVAILABLE.
BESIDES, CORDY AND I ARE REALLY GETTING ALONG.
WE'RE NOT FIGHTING AS MUCH, AND YESTERDAY WE JUST SAT TOGETHER,
NOT EVEN SPEAKING.
YOU KNOW, JUST, UH, ENJOYING COMFORTABLE SILENCE.
MAN, THAT WAS DULL.
I'M GLAD THAT YOU GUYS ARE GETTING ALONG.
ALMOST REALLY.
AND DON'T STRESS OVER THE GIFT.
WELL, THIS IS NEW TERRITORY FOR ME.
MY VALENTINES ARE USUALLY MET
WITH HEARTFELT RESTRAINING ORDERS.
SHE'LL LOVE IT.
I WISH DATING WAS LIKE SLAYING:
YOU KNOW, SIMPLE, DIRECT, STAKE TO THE HEART,
NO MUSS, NO FUSS.
OHH!
SORRY TO SAY, XAND,
BUT SLAYING IS A TAD MORE PERILOUS THAN DATING.
WELL, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT DATING CORDELIA.
[WOLF HOWLING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
WAIT UP.
HEY, WAIT UP.
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE'S THE FIRE SALE?
OH, SORRY. DIDN'T SEE YOU.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BACK LAST NIGHT?
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR OUTFITS FOR THE DANCE.
I'M GONNA WEAR RED AND BLACK,
SO YOU NEED TO SWITCH.
RED AND BLACK? IS THAT WHAT XANDER LIKES?
XANDER? WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?
A GIRL WANTS TO LOOK GOOD FOR HER GEEK.
XANDER'S JUST--
WHEN ARE YOU TWO GONNA START WEARING
CUTE LITTLE MATCHING OUTFITS?
'CAUSE I'M PLANNING TO VOMIT. LET'S GO.
PAPERS ON MY DESK.
ANYBODY TRIES TO LEAVE WITHOUT GIVING ME A PAPER
IS LOOKING AT A FAILING GRADE.
HA HA HA.
THIS TIME I'M READY FOR YOU.
NO "F" FOR XANDER TODAY.
NO. THIS BABY'S MY TICKET TO A SWEET D-MINUS.
HEY, AMY.
ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO THE VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE
AT THE BRONZE?
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN.
GO AHEAD. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SAY IT.
MY BOYFRIEND'S IN THE BAND.
COOL.
I THINK YOU'VE NOW TOLD EVERYBODY.
ONLY IN THIS HEMISPHERE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
OH, VALENTINE'S DAY
IS JUST A CHEAP GIMMICK TO SELL CARDS AND CHOCOLATE.
BAD BREAKUP, HUH?
BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY UH-HUH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, AMY.
I JUST HATE TO THINK OF YOU SOLO ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'LL BE FINE.
MOM AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A PIG-OUT AND VID FEST.
IT'S A TIME-HONORED TRADITION
AMONG THE LOVELESS.
DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT?
SEE WHAT?
IN CLASS.
I THINK AMY JUST WORKED SOME MAGIC ON MISS BEAKMAN.
YOU MEAN LIKE WITCHCRAFT?
YOU KNOW, HER MOM'S A WITCH.
AND AN AMATEUR PSYCHO. AMY'S THE LAST PERSON
THAT SHOULD BE MESSING WITH THAT STUFF.
MAYBE I SHOULD--
Giles: BUFFY. BUFFY.
MIGHT I HAVE A WORD?
HAVE A SENTENCE, EVEN.
OH. GOOD. WELL, UH...
Woman: PACK IT UP BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
RUPERT.
MISS CALENDAR.
I'M GLAD WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER, ACTUALLY.
I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD, UH...
DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
UM...
ACTUALLY, NOT JUST NOW.
UH, I HAVE A MATTER TO DISCUSS WITH--WITH BUFFY.
RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
ARE YOU OK?
ME?
I-I'LL BE FINE.
UM, I WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT YOU, ACTUALLY.
SINCE ANGEL, UM, UH...
TURNED...
I'VE BEEN READING UP ON HIS EARLIER ACTIVITIES--
FEEDING PATTERNS AND THE LIKE.
AND?
AROUND VALENTINE'S DAY,
HE'S RATHER PRONE TO, UH...
WELL, UM, BRUTAL DISPLAYS OF...
HE WOULD THINK OF IT AS AFFECTION, I SUPPOSE.
LIKE WHAT?
NO--NO NEED TO GO INTO DETAILS.
THAT BAD?
SUFFICE IT TO SAY I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST
IF YOU STAYED OFF THE STREETS
FOR A FEW NIGHTS.
I'LL, UM...
I'LL PATROL AND KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS.
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR BOTH.
FANCY IT, PET?
AHH.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
MMM.
NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR MY GIR--
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, DRU.
OH...
ANGEL,
IT'S STILL WARM.
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.
I FOUND IT IN A QUAINT LITTLE SHOPGIRL.
CUTE.
HERE.
I'LL GET IT.
DONE.
I KNOW DRU GIVES YOU PITY ACCESS,
BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT
IT'S SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I DO THINGS FOR HER.
YOU WOULD DO WELL TO WORRY LESS ABOUT DRU
AND MORE ABOUT THAT SLAYER
YOU'VE BEEN TRAMPING AROUND WITH.
DEAR BUFFY.
I'M STILL TRYING TO DECIDE THE BEST WAY
TO SEND MY REGARDS.
Spike: WHY DON'T YOU RIP HER LUNGS OUT?
IT MIGHT MAKE AN IMPRESSION.
LACKS...
POETRY.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO.
WHAT RHYMES WITH LUNGS?
DON'T WORRY, SPIKE.
ANGEL ALWAYS KNOWS...
WHAT SPEAKS TO A GIRL'S HEART.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ FEELIN' ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN LOST FOR YEARS ♪
♪ YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND ME ♪
♪ UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN THOSE TEARS ♪
♪ BUT YOU NEVER GET TO SLEEP ♪
♪ WHEN I'M AWAY ♪
♪ I DON'T MIND... ♪
OZ HAS HIS COOL HAIR TODAY.
I THINK I'M A GROUPIE.
♪ PAIN. I CAN'T SLEEP ♪
OH, HEY!
♪ PAIN. I CAN'T SLEEP ♪
♪ RUNNIN' ♪
[TV PLAYS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HERE.
MOM?
[DOOR OPENS]
[GASPS]
BUFFY, IT'S ME.
YEAH.
YOU JUST STARTLED ME A LITTLE.
I WAS JUST CHECKING THE BACK DOOR.
SOMEBODY, UM, LEFT THESE FOR YOU.
♪ PAIN. I CAN'T SLEEP ♪
HEY.
YOUR CLOTHES...
YOU LOOK SO GOOD.
I LET BUFFY DRESS ME.
WELL, NOT PHYSICALLY.
PERFECT.
YOU HAD TO MAKE THIS HARDER, DIDN'T YOU?
OK. CLEARLY THE FACT THAT I PLEASE YOU VISUALLY
HAS GOT US OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT HERE.
XANDER--
LET ME FINISH.
I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT US LATELY--
THE WHY AND THE WHEREFORE.
YOU KNOW,
ONCE, TWICE, A KISSY HERE,
A KISSY THERE.
AND YOU CAN CHALK IT ALL UP TO HORMONES.
AND MAYBE THAT'S ALL WE HAVE HERE--
TAWDRY TEEN LUST.
BUT MAYBE NOT.
MAYBE SOMETHING IN YOU
SEES SOMETHING SPECIAL INSIDE ME.
AND VICE VERSA.
I MEAN, I THINK I DO.
SEE SOMETHING.
SO...
XANDER.
THANK YOU.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I WANT TO BREAK UP.
OK.
NOT QUITE THE REACTION I WAS LOOKING FOR.
I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST...
WHO ARE WE KIDDING?
EVEN IF PARTS OF US DO SEE SPECIALNESS,
WE DON'T FIT.
YEAH.
OK.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GOOD DAY
TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEBODY?
ANY DAY BESIDES VALENTINE'S DAY.
I MEAN, WHAT, WERE YOU RUNNING LOW ON DRAMATIC IRONY?
I KNOW.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT THIS WAY.
WELL, YOU DID.
DUDE.
WAY TO GET DUMPED.
OH, BUFFY, MY BUD, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE--
CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. ANGEL.
DO YOU NEED HELP?
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
GEE, XANDER,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN A SECOND LANGUAGE
SO THAT EVEN MORE GIRLS CAN REJECT YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
AMY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU'RE A WITCH.
NO, I'M NOT.
THAT--THAT WAS MY MOM, REMEMBER?
YEAH. I'M THINKING IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
I SAW YOU WORKING THAT MOJO ON MISS BEAKMAN.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO TELL SOMEBODY AB--
THAT'S NOT EVEN-- THAT IS SO MEAN.
BLACKMAIL IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD.
I DIDN'T SAY BLACKMAIL.
YEAH. BUT I'M ABOUT TO BLACKMAIL YOU,
SO I THOUGHT I'D BRING IT UP.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT DO I WANT?
I WANT SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE.
I WANT, FOR ONCE, TO COME OUT AHEAD.
I WANT THE HELLMOUTH TO BE WORKING FOR ME.
YOU AND ME, AMY...
WE'RE GONNA CAST A LITTLE SPELL.
A LOVE SPELL?
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
JUST THE BASIC CAN'T EAT, CAN'T SLEEP,
CAN'T BREATHE ANYTHING BUT LITTLE OLD MOI.
THAT KIND OF THING IS THE HARDEST.
I MEAN, TO MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU
FOR ALL ETERNITY?
WHOA!
WHOA, BACK UP.
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ETERNITY?
A MAN CAN ONLY TALK SELF-TANNING LOTION FOR SO LONG
BEFORE HIS HEAD EXPLODES.
THEN I DON'T GET IT.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER FOREVER,
THEN WHAT'S THE POINT?
THE POINT IS I WANT HER TO WANT ME DESPERATELY
SO I CAN BREAK UP WITH HER
AND SUBJECT HER TO THE SAME HELL
SHE'S BEEN PUTTING ME THROUGH.
OOH,
I DON'T KNOW, XANDER.
INTENT HAS TO BE PURE WITH LOVE SPELLS.
I INTEND REVENGE--
PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW.
NOW,
ARE YOU GONNA PLAY,
OR DO WE NEED TO HAVE ANOTHER CHAT
ABOUT INVISIBLE HOMEWORK?
I'LL NEED SOMETHING OF HERS.
A PERSONAL OBJECT.
ALL RIGHT.
SOON WHAT, GILES?
YOU NEVER HELD OUT ON ME
UNTIL THE BIG, BAD THING IN THE DARK
BECAME MY EX-HONEY.
WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
HE SAID IT WITH FLOWERS.
THIS ISN'T THE TIME
TO START BECOMING MR. PROTECTIVE GUY.
I CAN'T JUST HANG AROUND,
AND I CAN'T PREPARE WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
NO, OF COURSE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
SIT DOWN.
OH, COME ON, DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
I'M NOT GONNA MAKE A BIG SCENE.
I JUST WANT THE NECKLACE BACK.
WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIFT.
LAST NIGHT IT WAS A GIFT.
TODAY IT'S SCRAP METAL.
FIGURE I CAN MELT IT DOWN
AND SELL IT FOR FILLINGS OR SOMETHING.
YOU'RE PATHETIC.
COME ON, I'M NOT GONNA ADD
TO THE CORDELIA CHASE CASTOFF COLLECTION.
IT'S IN MY LOCKER.
I CAN WAIT.
HERE. IT'S A GOOD THING WE BROKE UP.
NOW I DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND I LIKE IT.
Amy: DIANA...
GODDESS OF LOVE AND THE HUNT,
I PRAY TO THEE.
LET MY CRIES
BIND THE HEART OF XANDER'S BELOVED.
MAY SHE NEITHER REST
NOR SLEEP
UNTIL SHE SUBMITS TO HIS WILL ONLY.
DIANA,
BRING ABOUT THIS LOVE AND BLESS IT.
BLOW OUT THE CANDLE NOW.
WHAT?
GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
SOME KIND OF WEATHER WE'VE BEEN HAVING, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU CAN'T BE SNIFFING AROUND
FOR MORE JEWELRY TO MELT,
BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER GAVE ME WAS THAT SMALLMART-LOOKING THING.
IS THIS LOVE?
'CAUSE MAYBE ON YOU IT DOESN'T LOOK THAT DIFFERENT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU GOING, LIKE, STALKER-BOY ON ME NOW?
SORRY. MY MISTAKE.
YEAH, I SHOULD SAY SO.
WHAT IS HIS DEAL?
LOOK, HERE'S ANOTHER. HERE.
UM, "VALENTINE'S DAY." YES, UH...
"ANGEL NAILS A PUPPY TO THE--"
SKIP IT.
BUT--
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I DON'T HAVE A PUPPY. SKIP IT.
RIGHT, YOU ARE.
I'LL GET ANOTHER BATCH.
I HAVE A PLAN.
WE'LL USE ME AS BAIT.
YOU MEAN, MAKE ANGEL COME AFTER YOU?
NO, I MEAN CHOP ME INTO LITTLE PIECES
AND STICK ME ON HOOKS FOR FISH TO NIBBLE AT
'CAUSE IT WOULD BE MORE FUN THAN MY LIFE.
YEAH.
I HEARD ABOUT YOU AND CORDY.
THAT'S HER LOSS.
YEAH.
NOT REALLY THE POPULAR THEORY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE?
WHY DON'T YOU AND I DO SOMETHING TOGETHER TONIGHT?
JUST THE TWO OF US.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WE CAN COMFORT EACH OTHER.
WOULD LAP DANCING ENTER INTO THAT SCENARIO AT ALL?
'CAUSE I FIND THAT VERY COMFORTING.
PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT...
OK, UH...
YOU DO KNOW THAT I'M XANDER, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW, I JUST...
HEARD THAT YOU AND CORDY BROKE UP,
AND I GUESS I WAS JUST SURPRISED HOW GLAD I WAS.
IT'S FUNNY...
HOW YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE EVERY DAY
BUT NOT REALLY SEE THEM.
YOU KNOW?
YEAH, IT'S FUNNY.
AND IT'S JUST GETTING FUNNIER.
XANDER,
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
YEAH, OK.
XANDER.
YEAH.
I DON'T THINK THE SPELL WORKED OUT RIGHT.
YEAH, IT BOMBED. NO BIGGIE.
WE CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN.
I AM STILL PRETTY NEW AT THIS.
OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S OK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS WRONG TO MEDDLE
WITH THE FORCES OF DARKNESS. I SEE THAT NOW.
I THINK WE'VE ALL GROWN. I GOTTA GO.
WE DON'T HAVE TO CAST ANY SPELLS.
WE CAN JUST...
HANG OUT.
SURE.
WHAT?
WELL, I LIKED SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU CAN--
YOU CAN SEE A PERSON EVERY DAY AND--
NOT REALLY SEE THEM.
EXACTLY.
SO, ANYWAY, I THOUGHT--
HI, XANDER.
WHAT?
YOU'RE IN MR. BAIRD'S HISTORY CLASS, RIGHT?
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD STUDY TOGETHER TONIGHT.
DO YOU MIND? WE WERE TALKING.
I REALLY GOTTA GO.
RIGHT NOW.
SORRY.
I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.
GOOD JOB.
HIGH MARKS.
DON'T BE SO JUMPY.
I'VE BEEN IN YOUR BED BEFORE.
YEAH, BUT, WILL, WE WERE BOTH IN FOOTY PAJAMAS.
XAND, I'VE BEEN THINKING.
WILL, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING.
BUT THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
I CAST A SPELL, AND IT SORT OF BACKFIRED.
HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN FRIENDS?
A LONG, LONG TIME.
TOO LONG TO DO ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT CHANGE THAT NOW.
BUT FRIENDSHIPS CHANGE ALL THE TIME.
PEOPLE GROW APART.
THEY GROW CLOSER.
THIS IS GOOD.
HOW CLOSE WE ARE NOW.
I FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE
WITH THIS AMOUNT OF CLOSENESS.
IN FACT, I CAN EVEN BACK UP A FEW PACES
AND STILL BE HAPPY.
SEE?
I WANT YOU, XANDER...
TO BE MY FIRST.
BASEMAN.
PLEASE TELL ME WE'RE TALKING BASEBALL.
SHH.
WE BOTH KNOW IT'S RIGHT.
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T FIND YOU SEXY.
IS IT OZ?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.
HE'S SWEET, BUT...
HE'S NOT YOU.
YES, HE IS.
AND YOU SHOULD GO TO HIM.
'CAUSE HE'S ME.
I--I--I DON'T WANT TO USE FORCE.
MMM.
FORCE IS OK.
TH-THAT'S IT!
THIS HAS GOTTA STOP.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO ACT LIKE A MAN.
AND HIDE.
HA. VERY FUNNY.
WHAT DID I DO NOW, WEAR RED AND PURPLE TOGETHER?
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
XANDER IS WOUNDED BECAUSE OF YOU.
ARE YOU TRIPPING?
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.
ONLY A SICK PUP WOULD LET XANDER GET AWAY,
NO MATTER WHAT HER FRIENDS SAID.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE
TO MAKE YOU PEOPLE HAPPY?
♪ HEY-HEY, YEAH ♪
♪ GOT THE LOVE, GOT THE LOVE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GOT THE LOVE, GOT THE LOVE ♪
♪ SUGAR BABY ♪
♪ GOT THE LOVE, GOT THE LOVE ♪
♪ OH, NOW, BABE, YOU'VE BEEN GONE SUCH A LONG TIME ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN THINKIN' 'BOUT WHAT IT IS WE'VE GOT ♪
♪ NOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD ♪
♪ WHOO! ♪
♪ BUT WE GOT A LOT ♪
♪ NOW, THERE'S MUCH MORE THAN A GHOST OF A CHANCE ♪
♪ WE CAN MAKE IT RIGHT THIS TIME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO STAY MINE ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT THE LOVE ♪
♪ GOT THE LOVE, GOT THE LOVE ♪
XANDER.
WHAT IS IT?
I-IT'S ME...
THROWING MYSELF AT YOUR MERCY.
WHAT? WHY?
I MADE A MESS, GILES.
SEE, I FOUND OUT THAT AMY'S INTO WITCHCRAFT,
AND I WAS HURT, I GUESS,
SO I MADE HER PUT THE LOVE WHAMMY ON CORDY,
BUT IT BACKFIRED.
AND NOW EVERY WOMAN IN SUNNYDALE WANTS TO MAKE ME HER CUDDLE MONKEY,
WHICH MAY SOUND SWELL ON PAPER, BUT--
RUPERT, WE NEED TO TALK.
HEY, XANDER.
NICE SHIRT.
LOOK, RUPERT, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME,
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU,
BUT I AM NOT JUST GONNA GO AWAY.
I CARE FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU TO...
HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?
OHH.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE FOOL ENOUGH
TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I'M TWICE THE FOOL IT TAKES TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
HAS, UH...
HAS AMY TRIED TO REVERSE THE SPELL?
I GET AROUND AMY,
AND ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS TALK HONEYMOON PLANS.
RUPERT, MAYBE I NEED TO TALK TO XANDER ALONE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?
PEOPLE UNDER LOVE SPELLS, XANDER,
ARE DEADLY.
THEY LOSE ALL CAPACITY FOR REASON.
AND IF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE
AND THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION IS AFFECTED...
DON'T LEAVE THE LIBRARY.
I'LL FIND AMY
AND SEE IF WE CAN PUT A STOP TO THIS THING.
NO!
ALONE AT LAST.
BUFF, GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK.
OH, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MORE THAN THAT.
BUFF...
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
DON'T OPEN THAT RAINCOAT.
COME ON,
IT'S A PARTY.
AREN'T YOU GONNA OPEN YOUR PRESENT?
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO.
SOMETIMES THE REMOTE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBILITY
THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE ME WAS ALL THAT SUSTAINED ME.
BUT NOT NOW.
NOT LIKE THIS.
THIS ISN'T REAL TO YOU.
YOU'RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE OF A SPELL.
I MEAN, IF I THOUGHT YOU HAD ONE CLUE
WHAT IT WOULD MEAN TO ME...
BUT YOU DON'T.
SO I CAN'T.
SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS IS ALL A GAME?
A GAME?
I--NO!
YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY,
AND THEN YOU REJECT ME?
WHAT AM I, A TOY?
BUFFY, PLEASE CALM DOWN.
I'LL CALM DOWN WHEN YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
GET AWAY FROM HIM.
HE'S MINE.
OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
XANDER, TELL HER.
WHAT?
I, UH...
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SAY.
I KNOW WHAT HIS HEART WANTS.
FUNNY,
I KNOW WHAT YOUR FACE WANTS.
WHAT IS THIS, YOU'RE TWO-TIMING ME?
GODDESS HECATE, WORK THY WILL.
UH-OH.
BEFORE THEE LET THE UNCLEAN THING CRAWL!
BUFFY!
OH, MY GOD.
WH-WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
BUFFY.
WHERE IS SHE?
Giles: OH, MY GOD.
WHY IS SHE HERE?
CAN YOU FOCUS FOR A MINUTE?
YOU JUST TURNED BUFFY INTO A RAT.
BUFFY CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
WHY DON'T WE GO SOMEPLACE PRIVATE?
CAN YOU-- I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL YOU CHANGE HER BACK.
YOU HEARD HIM.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST UNDO YOUR LITTLE MAGIC TRICK
AND GET LOST?
WHO MADE YOU QUEEN OF THE WORLD?
WELL, YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I GUESS XANDER'S JUST TOO MUCH MAN FOR THE PIMPLE SQUAD.
GODDESS HECATE, TO YOU I PRAY, WITH THIS--
WOULD YOU QUIT WITH THE HECATE?
OK, WHAT NOW?
YOU DON'T LIKE MY LOCKER COMBINATION?
IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT. YOU NEVER LOVED HIM.
YOU JUST USED HIM.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
OK, HARMONY, IF YOU NEED TO BORROW MY MIDOL,
JUST ASK.
YOU TWO, SIT.
AND BE QUIET.
WE HAVE TO CATCH THE BUFFY RAT.
OOH, THERE.
GOOD BUFFY.
JUST...
THAT KINDA HURT.
KINDA?! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
I WAS ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT,
LISTENING TO WILLOW CRY ABOUT YOU.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED,
BUT I WAS LEFT WITH A VERY STRONG URGE TO HIT YOU.
I DIDN'T TOUCH HER. I SWEAR.
XANDER,
WHERE'S BUFFY?
AMY TURNED HER INTO A RAT.
OH.
[KISSING SOUNDS]
Giles: I DON'T SEE HER.
IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER, I'LL...
OH, JUST GO HOME.
LOCK YOURSELF AWAY.
YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS HERE.
NOW, AMY, JENNY, AND I WILL, UH...
TRY AND BREAK THE SPELL.
OZ, IF YOU COULD AID US IN--IN FINDING,
UM... BUFFY.
SURE. ABSOLUTELY.
JUST GO. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
BUFFY.
Cordelia: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY!
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD DO BETTER, IS THAT IT?
NO, I...
WE'LL KNOCK THAT SNOTTY ATTITUDE RIGHT OUT OF YOU.
AAH! AAH!
[ALL SCREAM AND SHOUT]
OH! STOP!
XANDER, I LOVE YOU!
YOU MUST HAVE BOTCHED THE RITUAL
SO THAT CORDELIA'S NECKLACE
ACTUALLY PROTECTED HER FROM THE SPELL.
THAT ONE SHOULD BE EASILY REVERSIBLE,
BUT WHERE DID YOU LEARN ANIMAL TRANSFORMATION?
WHY DID YOU SEND XANDER AWAY?
HE NEEDS ME.
[CHORTLES]
THAT'S A LAUGH.
HE LOVES ME.
WE LOOK INTO EACH OTHER'S SOULS.
NO ONE CAN LOVE 2 PEOPLE AT ONCE.
WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL.
INSTEAD OF MAKING ME ILL, WHY DOESN'T ONE OF YOU TRY TO HELP ME?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.
I KNOW IT'S NOT LOVE.
IT'S OBSESSION.
SELFISH, BANAL OBSESSION.
AND XANDER HAS PUT HIMSELF IN VERY GREAT DANGER.
IF YOU CARED AT ALL ABOUT HIM,
YOU'D HELP ME SAVE HIM,
RATHER THAN WITTERING ON ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.
NOW, LET'S GET ON WITH SOME WORK.
NOW, JENNY--
GREAT.
I THINK WE...
LOST THEM.
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN I'D FIND YOU WITH HER.
WILL...
COME ON, YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT ME.
OH, NO?
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I'D RATHER SEE YOU DEAD THAN WITH THAT BITCH.
[GIRLS SCREAM]
GET AWAY FROM HIM!
HE'S MINE!
[HISSES]
OK, NOW I REALLY THINK WE'VE LOST THEM.
DAMN IT, XANDER, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHO DIED AND MADE YOU ELVIS?
BUFFY'S HOUSE. LET'S GET INSIDE. I'LL EXPLAIN THERE.
COME ON!
XANDER, CORDELIA, WHAT--
YEAH, HI.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY ARE YOU ALL SCRATCHED UP?
WHERE'S BUFFY?
SHE'S, UM...
AROUND.
WELL, SIT DOWN AND TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WHY DON'T YOU RUN UPSTAIRS
AND GRAB SOME BANDAGES OUT OF THE BATHROOM?
LET ME, UH, GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK.
YOU IN THE MOOD FOR COLD OR HOT?
I, UH...
I THINK IT'S MORE OF A HOT NIGHT,
DON'T YOU?
WHATEVER.
OOH, YOU ARE SO TENSE.
MMM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAKE ME YAK!
CORDELIA, GO BACK UPSTAIRS.
THIS IS BETWEEN US.
GROSS! I THINK NOT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
AND KEEP YOUR MOM-AGED MITTS
OFF MY BOYFRIEND.
FORMER!
WHY HAS EVERYONE GONE INSANE?
INSANE?
IS IT SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
THAT OTHER WOMEN FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?
THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD GET GIRLS TO WANT YOU
WOULD BE WITCHCRAFT.
THAT IS SUCH A...
WELL, YEAH, OK, GOOD POINT.
AAH! OH, MY GOD!
XANDER, HONEY, LET JOYCIE IN.
UPSTAIRS! BUFFY'S ROOM.
SWEETHEART.
GOOD. THE MOB STILL HASN'T FOUND US.
WE SHOULD BE SAFER UP HERE.
WORKS IN THEORY.
AAH!
XANDER!
WHERE'S BUFFY?
CORDY, GET OUT OF HERE!
PERFECT.
I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR BUFFY--
ACTUALLY, TO BUFFY,
BUT THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I FEEL VERY CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
BUFFY, HOW--
DON'T FRET, KITTEN.
MUMMY'S HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, DRU,
BUT IT DOESN'T AMUSE.
[GROWLS]
IF YOU...
HARM ONE HAIR
ON THIS BOY'S HEAD...
YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.
HIM?
JUST BECAUSE I FINALLY FOUND A REAL MAN...
I GUESS I REALLY DID DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
YOUR FACE IS A POEM.
OHH.
OH, I CAN READ IT.
REALLY?
IT DOESN'T SAY "SPARE ME" BY ANY CHANCE?
SHH.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ETERNAL LIFE?
WE COULDN'T JUST START WITH A COFFEE?
A MOVIE, MAYBE?
Julie: THERE HE IS!
GET THEM!
HE'S MINE!
[GIRLS ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOVE ME!
NO!
GET OUT OF THE WAY. MOVE IT!
COME ON.
BACK OFF.
STOP! NO!
I LOVE YOU!
OHH!
AHH! SORRY, DRU.
GUESS YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK FOR US, XANDER.
WE HAVE TO END IT.
AAH!
HERE, BUFFY.
RIGHT.
GO ON. YOU FIRST.
[SHOUTING AND POUNDING]
GIVE ME A NAIL.
IF WE DIE IN HERE,
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.
I MEAN IT.
NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED
IF YOU HADN'T BROKEN UP WITH ME.
BUT NO, YOU'RE SO DESPERATE TO BE POPULAR.
ME? I'M NOT THE ONE WHO EMBRACED THE BLACK ARTS
JUST TO GET THE GIRLS TO LIKE ME.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. IT WORKED.
WOULD'VE WORKED FINE, EXCEPT YOUR HIDE'S SO THICK,
NOT EVEN MAGIC CAN PENETRATE IT.
YOU MEAN THE SPELL WAS FOR ME?
AAH!
GODDESS OF CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL,
I CONJURE THEE TO WITHDRAW.
HECATE, I HEREBY LICENSE THEE TO DEPART.
BUFFY?
AAH!
[SHOUTING]
OH, MY GOD.
STAY BEHIND ME.
UM...
DIANA, GODDESS OF LOVE,
BEGONE.
HEAR NO MORE THY SIREN'S SONG.
GET OFF!
I LOVE YOU, XANDER.
[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]
HE'S MINE!
GET OFF ME!
WHERE AM I?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HI, OZ.
HI.
I SEEM TO BE HAVING A SLIGHT CASE OF NUDITY HERE.
BUT YOU'RE NOT A RAT...
SO CALL IT AN UPSIDE.
YOU THINK MAYBE YOU COULD GET ME SOME CLOTHING?
YES, I CAN. JUST, UH...
DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
REALLY NOT AN ISSUE.
WHAT...
WHAT DID WE...
BOY, THAT WAS THE BEST SCAVENGER HUNT EVER.
Buffy: SCAVENGER HUNT.
YOUR MOM SEEMED TO BUY IT.
SO SHE SAYS.
I THINK SHE'S JUST SO WIGGED
AT HITTING ON ONE OF MY FRIENDS
THAT SHE'S REPRESSING.
SHE'S GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT THAT.
I SHOULD PROBABLY START WORRYING.
WELL, I'M BACK TO BEING INCREDIBLY UNPOPULAR.
IT'S BETTER THAN EVERYONE
TRYING TO AXE-MURDER YOU, RIGHT?
MOSTLY, BUT, UH...
WILLOW WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME.
ANY PARTICULAR REASON SHE SHOULD?
HOW MUCH GROVELING WE TALKING HERE?
OH, A MONTH, AT LEAST.
XANDER, COME ON, I MEAN...
THIS IS WORSE FOR HER THAN ANYONE.
SHE LOVED YOU BEFORE YOU INVOKED THE GREAT ROOFIE SPIRIT.
THE REST OF US...
YOU REMEMBER, HUH?
OH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER COMING ON TO YOU,
I REMEMBER BEGGING YOU TO UNDRESS ME...
AND THEN A SUDDEN NEED FOR CHEESE.
I ALSO REMEMBER THAT YOU DIDN'T.
NEED CHEESE?
UNDRESS ME.
IT MEANT A LOT TO ME WHAT YOU SAID.
COME ON, BUFFY,
I COULDN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU LIKE THAT.
OK, FOR A MINUTE, IT WAS TOUCH AND GO THERE.
YOU CAME THROUGH.
THERE MIGHT JUST BE HOPE FOR YOU YET.
WELL, TELL THAT TO CORDELIA.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN THERE.
CODY WEINBERG CALLED ME AT HOME LAST NIGHT.
CODY WEINBERG?
THE ONE WITH THE 350SL?
THE VERY ONE.
SAID HE'S THINKING OF ASKING ME
TO THE PLEDGE DANCE ON THURSDAY.
THAT'S SO HUGE!
THERE'S JUST 2 OTHER GIRLS HE'S GONNA ASK FIRST,
AND IF THEY REFUSE, THEN--
WATCH IT!
SORRY.
GOD!
I'M GLAD YOUR MOM STOPPED WORKING AT THE DRIVE-THROUGH
LONG ENOUGH TO DRESS YOU.
OH, THAT REMINDS ME.
DID YOU SEE JENNIFER'S BACKPACK?
IT IS SO--
HARMONY, SHUT UP.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, HARMONY?
YOU'RE A SHEEP.
I'M NOT A SHEEP.
YOU'RE A SHEEP.
ALL YOU EVER DO IS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES
JUST SO YOU CAN SAY YOU DID IT FIRST.
AND HERE I AM, SCRAMBLING FOR YOUR APPROVAL,
WHEN I'M WAY COOLER THAN YOU ARE
'CAUSE I'M NOT A SHEEP.
I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO,
AND I WEAR WHAT I WANT TO WEAR.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL DATE WHOEVER THE HELL I WANT TO DATE.
NO MATTER HOW LAME HE IS.
OH, GOD.
IT'S GONNA BE OK.
JUST KEEP WALKING.
OH, GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.
OH, SURE, THEY ARE.
IF IT HELPS, WHENEVER WE'RE AROUND THEM,
YOU AND I CAN FIGHT A LOT.
YOU PROMISE?
YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH COUNT ON IT.
GRR! ARRGHH!