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[alarm clock sounds]
Ohh...
I've got a feeling
something special's going to happen today.
Ahh.
Things to do today.
"Make check mark on paper."
"Cross item out."
No time for that, I'm afraid.
"And finally say,
'That seems pretty senseless, but... whatever.'"
That seems pretty senseless, but...
whatever!
That's odd.
Joan, honey, did you put these trash cans on the curb?
Oh, I left the trash out overnight.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.
Oh, I just feel so awful about this.
Darling, please. It's not your fault.
It's the world we live in today.
There are people out there for whom nothing is sacred,
people who will steal a man's garbage
week after week after week.
We can get through it, honey.
We'll borrow some garbage till we're back on our feet.
Don't you see, Joan? That's exactly what they're counting on.
Whoever keeps doing this knows that people like us sit back and take it.
I won't take it anymore.
Oh, Stanley, please. Don't get involved.
I already am involved, Joan.
Someone has stolen from my family,
and I will not rest until I bring them to justice.
Mmm.
[snores]
[snoring]
Huh?
What in the world?
They're getting away!
I've got to follow them, but how?
Two wheels.
Four wheels.
Eight wheels.
All right, crooks.
Now you've got Stanley Stupid on your trail.
Morning, Petunia.
Morning, Buster.
Hey, sis, have you seen Dad?
Isn't he sleeping?
No. And he's not outside, either.
I got up early to walk my fish,
and he was already gone.
Do you think maybe...
he's been kidnapped?
Oh, my God. We must go to the police station!
Just as soon as we've left a note for Mom.
Hmm?
Oh.
Take this down.
"We have gone to the police."
Po...lice.
"Daddy's been kidnapped."
Kid...napped.
"Don't worry. We'll be back soon."
Signed... "Your children."
Your children.
Let's move.
Stanley?
Buster?
Petunia?
Stanley?
Buster?
Petunia?
Where is everybody?
It's impossible!
It can't be true.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hello, is this Mrs. Stupid?
Yes.
I'm calling from the police station,
Mrs. Stupid.
We, uh, have your children here, ma'am.
Oh, my God, it's true!
The police have kidnapped my children!
You two just sit tight.
We'll have you home in a minute.
[car horn blares]
OK, mister. It's your turn now!
- [children] Bye! Bye! Bye! - [Stanley] Bye!
Mom?
Mom!
Mom?
It's no use.
Mom's gone, too.
And we seem to be caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse.
He left without even ringing the bell.
Apparently, he only wanted us to find this.
What's the Jade Palace?
And what does it have to do with Dad and Mom?
I don't know, Petunia.
But it's time we went there and found out.
Friday. June fourth.
Today my world turned upside down.
First, I discovered my husband missing.
Then, I learned my children had been kidnapped by the police.
Now the fate of my family rests in my hands.
Note to self.
I must buy hand-held tape recorder.
Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener.
Some people can be so inconsiderate!
Just the two of you?
Why... yes.
So they have been expecting us.
Ohh... oh.
And what can I get for you?
Oh, I think you've got a pretty good idea
what we're looking for.
May I recommend the cashew chicken?
You'll get your cash when we get our parents back.
And don't call us chicken.
Oh, no. The truck!
It's gone!
I've lost it!
Now it could be anywhere!
Finding it now would be like finding a needle in a haystack!
[engine starts]
It's always the last place you think of lookin'.
I'll never get the hang of these things.
Still no sign of Mom or Dad.
I don't get it, Buster.
Don't worry, Petunia. Whoever brought us here will contact us
when the time is right.
Buster, it's a message!
"Time flies when you're having fun."
"Time flies when you're having fun"?
Wait a minute!
Isn't the Daily Times published just a few blocks away?
Yes!
At the corner of Fun Street and Fly!
No, it's Maple and Fifth.
Close enough. Let's move.
OK. Camouflage lesson number one.
To look like a bush, you have to think like a bush.
OK. Here I am just being a bush,
just growin' and hangin' out.
Yes, this is the life for me.
Sure is a lot of soil around here.
A lot of sunshine, too.
As a bush, I notice these things.
Wait a minute. What's this?
I have arms.
I am a bush with arms!
And legs!
I am the first bush in history with legs!
I can walk!
[grunts]
Oh, gaze ye unbelievers upon this miracle.
This walking bush--
half man, half plant--
he dwells in two worlds but is the master of both!
Oh, man-bush,
you are nature's greatest wonder!
[engine starts]
Poor fools thought I was a bush.
I'll lock up the bikes. You keep a lookout.
Let's move.
[gasps] My children!
[car horns blaring]
What's the matter with you?!
You don't know how to drive?!
Police.
If they recognize me,
they're sure to kidnap me, too.
What to do?
My gosh!
There must be thousands of people's garbage here.
Tens of thousands, even.
Why, the sheer organization necessary to pull off a heist like this...
I've uncovered the crime of the century!
Good day, officers.
Yes!
Is that everyone?
Affirmative, sir.
It's show time.
Welcome, gentlemen.
I apologize for the unpleasantness of our surroundings.
The setting was chosen for its seclusion,
not its beauty.
The weapons you are about to see
are American-made, and, I humbly submit,
the world's best.
International law has long kept you from acquiring them,
but as of now,
I hope to help you overcome that.
Lieutenant.
The first piece of equipment we'd like to demonstrate
is the dragon anti-tank missile.
Whether you want to foment revolution or suppress it,
this hardware will help you get it done.
Strange, indeed, are the workings of fate.
How could I have known that today I would wander
into the jaws of some kind of super-crime?
Pardon me.
Chances are, my life is already in danger,
yet I feel strangely, intensely alive.
Every nerve is alert, every sense working overtime.
Nothing escapes my eye.
[laughs] 'Scuse me.
One journey has come to an end,
but I've got a feeling the real adventure has just begun.
Buster, Petunia!
Aah! Aah!
It's some kind of ape woman!
Oh, no. It's me.
Your mother!
Your mother's some kind of ape woman?!
No, no. Children, it's a disguise.
They're wigs.
- Ah! - Ah!
Next up is an updated version
of the .45-caliber personal sidearm.
I think you'll appreciate the increase in stopping power.
Here we have the traditional
M16 assault weapon
with extra-new capabilities.
Not only will it fire...
excuse me. You got a pen I could borrow?
[speaking foreign language]
Thank you very much.
So what's going on around here,
some kind of company picnic?
[speaking foreign language]
Why, that's a very festive name for it.
Notice all that garbage out there?
It's all stolen.
There's something fishy going on.
Frankly, our lives may already be in danger.
[shouts in foreign language]
I hear ya, pal.
At first I was pretty tongue-tied myself.
Oh, Jerry, help.
I need a new headline for the entertainment section.
"HBO has given the order for a pair of original,
outer-space themed shows for the new season."
Let's see. What about...
"Two alien pilots picked up by network."
Perfect.
I'm sending it.
Hey, you guys, give me a hand in metro, will ya?
We were supposed to be in print five minutes ago.
Psst!
Sis, over here.
I found a computer.
What have you got in mind, Petunia?
A little ride on the information super highway, Mom.
In this age of microtechnology,
the computer's our gateway to information.
Now all we've gotta do is figure out the password.
How about nose?
It's worth a try!
All right, computer,
now tell us everything we need to know about...
Stanley...
Stupid.
Relax, soldier.
A week from now, we'll both be wealthy men.
I suppose so, sir.
But I can't help wondering
what our country would think of what we're doing.
This year our country
refused my promotion, Lieutenant.
They have only themselves to blame now.
You really think we can pull this off?
I gave my life to the military.
Nothing's gonna stop me from getting something back.
Sir, I think we have a potential situation.
What is it, soldier?
An individual appears to have infiltrated the proceedings.
As far as we can tell, he's not affiliated with any of the buyers.
It's the CIA. We're probably already surrounded.
Negative, sir. He appears to be alone.
Alone?
Hmm.
Just what kinda cowboy agent is this guy?
No one is to disturb him without my order.
The buyers must not know anything is amiss.
[choked voice] Understood, sir.
If I know my business,
the operative will contact us.
To walk into a situation like this
without support...
this guy must be fearless.
Yes.
And very, very smart.
"Business, weather, sports."
What is it trying to tell us?
It's computer jargon, Mom.
It's like a whole different language.
Now hand me a photo of Dad,
and let's see what we can find out.
It's processing the data.
What does it say?
"Fatal error...
Drive B."
Oh, my God!
What does it mean?
I don't know!
We've got to warn your father.
Whoa!
Wha!
Oh!
Look out!
Let's go!
We'd better get outta here.
Let's go!
[excited yelling]
Our bikes are gone!
And the cops have surrounded my car!
Run for your lives!
[classical music plays]
[beeping]
[speaking alien language]
[beeping]
[feminine sigh]
[speaking alien language]
Whoa!
Wow!
[alien language] ...Stanley Stupid!
[speaks foreign language]
Cool runnings, my brother.
Bye. Thank you.
[speaks foreign language]
Ah. Ah.
[speaks foreign language]
[clicks heels]
[speaks foreign language]
Hi. Stanley Stupid.
Oh.
Honored to make your acquaintance, Mr. Stupid.
You must be a highly skilled investigator
to have discovered all of this.
Actually, I knew I was on the trail
of some pretty crafty thieves,
but I had no idea there would be this much garbage out here.
You are clearly an agent of enormous talents.
It's a shame the government will never reward you
as richly as you deserve.
No. The government doesn't even know I'm here!
Ah. And that's why you've approached me, isn't it?
To come and get your share,
one way or another?
Actually, mister,
I've approached you because I need a car.
Lieutenant, give our friend the keys to my car.
A gift to the gifted.
Well, thank you very much!
That's incredibly generous!
Thanks a lot!
And to think I just wanted a ride back to town!
Thanks, everybody! I'll see ya!
Talk about nerves of steel...
completely surrounded, and he didn't even blink.
We bought him off for now, sir,
but what's to stop him from turning us in anyway?
You are, soldier.
Without disturbing our clients,
follow, then terminate the target
with extreme prejudice.
Yes, sir!
Meaning?
Kill him.
Right.
Oh!
Boy...
you never realize how many policemen there are
until the day they turn against you.
This is the biggest emergency of our lives,
and we can't even call 9-1-1!
A crisis like this calls for even a higher authority.
Mom, dial 10-1-1.
I'm afraid that's not good enough, children.
Your father's life is on the line.
I'm calling 75,496-1-1.
[phone ringing]
Yeah.
Hello. My name is Joan Stupid.
I'm a housewife, and I desperately need your help.
Let me guess, lady. You've had a hectic day runnin' around
taking care of the kids,
and now you're panicked 'cause your husband's due home.
That's right!
And you haven't had time to cook dinner, right?
That's right, too!
I hear it every day of the week.
You need our family special. What's your address?
55 maple street.
Uh-huh. And does your family like coleslaw?
Yes.
That's all the information I need.
Relax. We'll have you taken care of in less than an hour.
Oh, bless you!
No need to worry, kids.
The most sophisticated emergency response team in the world
is working with us now.
Interestingly enough, their strategy involves coleslaw.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hi, honey. It's me.
Oh, Stanley!
Darling, are you all right?
I'm fine. But you won't believe the things I've uncovered.
Stanley, listen to me closely.
You must beware of the Drive B.
What's the Drive Bee?
We... don't know.
But any error you make with it could be fatal!
Just as I suspected. My life may already be in jeopardy.
What are you saying?
There must be some kind of interference.
Hold on. I'll turn down the radio.
Oops.
[screams]
Whoo! Hot!
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
Uh-oh!
Oh, hot!
Ooh!
Is there something about Dad that you're not telling us,
something about his past...
that would help explain what's going on?
Children, I suppose you're old enough
to know the truth.
And the truth is...
your father...
once worked inside the system.
You mean...
that's right, Petunia.
Stanley Stupid was a courier
for the U.S. Government.
At first it seemed like the perfect job.
Every day brought new and fascinating challenges.
Oh, great!
There you go.
537.
[grinding]
[Joan] Then, one day...
your father discovered something.
Thank you.
That's odd.
Come in.
What is it now, Stanley?
Something very strange, sir.
It seems like an incredible amount of letters
are being delivered to somebody named "Sender."
Who is this "Sender"?
And what is he doing with other people's mail?
I believe that this calls for
a full-scale investigation.
The next day, he was fired.
They never told him why.
But of course!
He knew too much!
And my instinct tells me...
we haven't seen the last of Mr. Sender.
[men chanting]
[phone rings]
Is the target neutralized?
I'm afraid not, sir.
It seems the enemy repelled our assault team
with extreme defensive aggression
in a... blowing-up- their-car manner, sir.
So... he has some combat skills
to back up his bravado.
Who do we have from Special Ops?
McClellan trained with the S.O.F., sir.
Give him the assignment.
Let's see how our friend handles a veteran assassin.
Ready?
Ready.
It's high time I got myself another tattoo.
Just make sure you do it clean.
We can't afford to leave a trail of clues.
He'll never know what hit him.
Did you know you had a hole in your gas tank?
Actually, that's how you get the gas in it.
Listen, top her off. I'm gonna go freshen up.
Thank you for the excellent service, old timer.
Yep.
[screaming]
[chickens clucking]
[phone rings]
Well?
I'm afraid it's bad news.
Don't tell me he took out McClellan, too!
It's uncanny, sir.
I've watched him dispatch assailants effortlessly
with techniques that...
that defy description.
Who's our explosives expert?
That would be Martinez, sir.
Give him the assignment and everything he needs to pull it off.
I want it done surgical and I want it done now!
For God's sake, we're military men.
Killing people is supposed to be our job.
[bee buzzing]
Go on!
Please, leave me alone.
What are you trying to do, you darn bee?
Can'tcha see I'm trying to drive?
Oh, my god! The Drive Bee!
Fight, Stanley! Fight for your life!
The tables have turned.
The hunter becomes the hunted.
Mission accomplished.
No one could have survived that blast.
Now, that's a well-made shoe.
Here's your fare and a little extra for yourself.
Thank you, sir. What's the occasion?
It's just good to be home.
Home.
You never know how much it means to you
till you go away.
What are you doing to my grass?
Buster?
Is that you?
Have I been away so long?
You live next door, Stanley.
Please, call me "Dad."
Dad!
This day keeps getting stranger and stranger.
We find ourselves today at the center of a puzzle.
At first, all is confusing.
But as the pieces come together, patterns emerge,
and before long we can see
the sinister face of conspiracy.
And it all begins with a man named...
Mr. Sender.
[organ plays]
[ominous chorus sings]
Letters...
easier to open than pistachios.
What's inside...
is more delicious.
"If you still love me, Sally,
tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree."
I'm afraid the only thing
that's going to be hanging from that tree is you...
"Bob."
Poor Jenny Miller.
Nobody coming to her wedding.
This postal ploy of yours
is the most evil caper of our age, Mr. Sender.
How will you ever top yourself?
With a crime so unthinkable
that no one has ever dared to attempt it:
to rob an entire nation
of its garbage.
The one resource no one ever thinks to protect.
Yet, without it,
every hefty bag, every trash compactor,
every rubbish bin in America
will be useless.
Desperate men will roam the streets
with empty waste baskets.
Panic and chaos will rule the land.
The precious balance of civilization will be destroyed,
and then the world will come begging for mercy...
to me.
Your job is to kidnap anyone
who discovers my diabolical plan...
including children.
This fiendishness must be stopped!
It's not our battle to fight.
We've got enough trouble getting soy sauce into these tiny packets.
Maybe we can't stop sender,
but I know someone who can,
a bright fellow I worked with in the postal service.
Are the guards posted out front?
Only the best.
[dialing phone]
Well?
No one suspects a thing, Mr. Sender...
unless that bush has ears.
The joke's on you, my friends.
Bad news, sir.
Stanley Stupid has discovered our secret.
At last, a foe worthy of matching wits with!
Release the Drive Bee!
[sinister laughter]
So you see, it all begins with Mr...
Sender.
But the police are against us,
and obviously we can't go to the press.
What are we going to do, Stanley?
We've got to take on Sender ourselves!
Oh, it won't be easy finding him,
scouring the countryside for microscopic clues,
following trails that are long-since cold,
sensing him always nearby,
yet somehow maddeningly beyond our grasp.
Hey!
There's a Charles Sender listed right here
in this phone book.
The manhunt begins.
The car won't start!
Maybe the battery's dead.
It was perfectly healthy this afternoon.
Maybe it's got some life left in it.
I'd better give it mouth-to-mouth.
[barking]
Not now, kitty. I've got a battery to revive.
Wait a minute. What am I doing?
I've cooked up some insane conspiracy theory
and put myself in the middle of an illegal weapons deal
with some of the world's most dangerous men.
I've risked my life and the lives of my family
in a scheme that makes absolutely no sense at all.
Insight fading.
I must remember not to go forward with this.
What is it, Stanley? What are you supposed to remember?
Um...
I don't know.
[barking]
[whistles]
Let's go, everybody. We got a job to do!
[whimpers]
Hey, what about the delivery?!
You can't just order food and run off like that!
You have insulted the dignity of Floyd's Delicatessen.
You're sure this is the place?
Oh, yes.
When I called Sender's home,
his wife said that he works here.
A likely story.
Ha!
OK, Joan. You and Buster search that end of the building.
Petunia and I will take this end.
And remember, everybody, use your heads.
[thud] Oh!
[crash]
[whispers] I found his headquarters!
And I've stumbled upon his fiendish laboratory!
Careful, Petunia.
One false move, and we could end up dead.
Dad?
Petunia!
Everything's gone dark.
I can't see a thing!
Oh, my God, it's happened!
We're dead.
I knew it!
So this is heaven.
It's quite lovely, really.
Funny, isn't it?
One minute you're tracking down
the head of a global conspiracy,
and the next minute, poof-- it's all over.
Sure puts things in perspective.
You know who I miss the most?
Mom and Buster.
Don't worry, honey.
They'll be joining us soon enough...
the way your mom drives.
[man] Hello.
Somebody in here?
Dad, someone's coming!
You think?
Yes, Petunia.
It's time to meet our creator.
Hail to thee, oh, Lord.
Actually, it's pronounced Lloyd.
All these years we've been saying it wrong.
So...
this is the face of evil.
And this is the diary of his twisted schemes!
Dates, numbers?
Years?
What in the world?
Buster, come on.
I found out where sender's going next.
Just a minute, Mom.
I've discovered a mysterious room here.
There's a strange-looking clock over the top of it.
And a control panel with a bunch of numbers.
One would almost think it's some kinda...
time machine!
Mom!
Help!
Buster, no!
[dull thud]
What buttons did you press?
I don't know.
Just a bunch of random numbers,
and the letters "B-C."
Oh, my God!
We've traveled back to the age of the dinosaurs!
It's just so amazing to meet you at last!
Well, thank you.
It's nice to meet someone who appreciates the work I do.
Appreciates it?
Why, you're the one that takes care
of the entire universe!
But you'd be surprised how little thanks I get for it.
Most people don't even know I exist.
This is the single most fantastic journey
in the history of the world!
Keep your voice down, son.
If one of these things wakes up, we're in real trouble.
They look absolutely starved!
[gasp]
Hey, look, Mom!
The cave of some prehistoric peoples!
Their tools seem to be...
fashioned of a primitive Styrofoam.
We've got to be careful, Buster.
The slightest disturbance to this ancient world
could affect the entire course of history.
Yes.
The entire course of history.
What are you doing?
Just think!
My name is now the first word ever written.
This rock will be the most sacred mystery on earth!
Buster, snap out of it!
When mankind learns to read,
I'll be worshipped!
Nations will rise and fall in my name!
Life on earth
will be nothing but a footnote to Buster!
We've gotta get out of here!
Not to be disrespectful,
but I feel that perhaps we've come here too early.
The truth is, you two shouldn't be here at all.
You're sending us back into the world?!
I'm afraid so. But don't get me wrong.
It's been a pleasure talking to you.
But there's work to be done.
So our crusade against the world's injustice is important!
Just head through the door marked exit.
It'll take you back to where your car is parked.
Did you hear that, Petunia?
We're getting a second chance!
Hurray!
Do you have any final words for us before we go?
Well, if you wanna make my job easier,
remember, throw your gum in the trash
when you're done chewing it.
I spend a huge amount of time cleaning up gum.
So long as we live, we shall fight that wrong.
Sorry, Mom.
I sort of went mad with power back there.
Well, the most important thing is we made it.
Mom! Buster!
Joan! Buster!
Dad! Petunia!
Stanley! Petunia!
You made it!
Are you all right?
How did it go in there?
Joan, we had a remarkable 20 minutes.
We died, went to heaven,
met God, and got brought back to life.
But still no sign of Sender.
What happened to you guys?
We traveled through time to the age of dinosaurs,
and Buster established himself
as the most important and mysterious figure in history.
Buster?
Sorry, Dad.
And even more importantly,
we found this.
Names, places, dates, times...
wait a minute.
There's an entry in here for today.
"Channel Three news at 1:00."
We passed the Channel Three news station
on the way over here.
It's almost 1:00 now.
The trail is still fresh!
Let's go.
[jazz music playing]
[screeches]
We're here.
Somewhere in this building
is the man we're looking for.
Let's find him before he finds us.
Good news today for culture buffs.
The new exhibit arrives today
at the Museum of Natural History.
Here to tell us about the highlights
is Museum Director, Charles Sender.
Welcome.
Thank you.
If you love pre-Colombian sculpture
as much as I do,
you are in for a real surprise.
In less than an hour,
I will be picking up a stunning collection of Olmec heads
on loan from museums all over the world.
I understand it's exhibits like this
have given our museum its most profitable year ever.
You must be a sought-after curator.
Yes. Sometimes I feel like a hunted man.
Try your best to blend in, Petunia.
Remember, we can't afford to get caught.
Excuse me, I'm looking for the Late At Night Show.
Excuse me. I'm looking for the set of the Late At Night Show.
I'm supposed to make a delivery there.
I'm supposed to make a delivery there!
Could you give this to Doug the stage hand?
He's a big fat guy. You can't miss him.
Here...
this will get you backstage. I really appreciate this.
I'm sorry. They're taping a t.v. show.
No one gets in without proper authorization.
Oh! Ma'am. This way, please.
Keep your eyes peeled for anything unusual, son.
Mr. Sender can't be far away.
Just watch for the slightest sign of strange behavior.
Dad?
They're putting make-up on men in there.
Bull's-eye.
Are they ready?
Ready when you are.
Let's go, everyone. We're on.
OK. Let's go.
[woman] Yeah, but Sly's a lot taller now.
People think it's easy being a celebrity,
but when they canceled my series, Malibu Beach Detective,
I was just absolutely devastated.
Well, I'm sure everyone
is very sympathetic for you.
You put so much work into such a fine series
to have it taken off the air.
As an artist, I was truly crushed.
It was the most awful, heartbreaking,
shocking thing that's ever happened to me!
Mom, I can't get this light switch to work.
Just a moment, dear.
OK. Now, let's take a look.
Well, maybe you'd all be happier
if there was no prime time television.
What's going on?
You could spend every night reading books together.
[applauding, cheering]
Well, my next guest is a world-class French chef,
so stay tuned everyone and let's...
give it to the fat guy!
Fat?
Moi, fat?
[yelling in French]
OK. Let's settle, everybody.
We're on in 5...
4... 3...
Have you ever thought you came from an unusual family?
Well, after you meet my guests today
you may want to adjust your standards.
I divorced my wife
in order to date her daughter.
[moans]
I married a Siamese twin
and had an affair with her sister.
[gasps]
I've been engaged to three of my cousins.
I...
well, to tell you the truth...
I'm...
I'm my own grandpa.
You're your own grandpa?
That's right.
Well, for those of us
who've never heard of such a thing,
maybe you could explain.
Of course. It's quite simple, really.
[* Tom Arnold: "I'm My Own Grandpaw"]
* Many many years ago when I was 23 *
* I was married to a widow *
* who was purty as could be *
* This widow had a grown-up daughter *
* who had hair of red *
* My father fell in love with her *
* and soon the two were wed *
* This made my dad my son-in-law *
* and changed my very life *
* for my daughter was my mother *
* 'cause she was my father's wife *
* To complicate the matter *
* even though it brought me joy *
* I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy *
* My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad *
* And so became my uncle *
* though it made me very sad *
* for if he was my uncle *
* then that also made him brother *
* to the widow's grown-up daughter *
* who of course was my stepmother.. *
That was our banker in Bern.
Payments will be transferred to our account
when we deliver the hardware
in approximately two hours.
Nothing left to do but relax, Lieutenant.
No power on earth can stop us now.
* I'm my own grandpa *
It's impossible.
We killed that man.
[turns television off]
Well, for God's sake, kill him again.
Our future is in his hands.
* My father's wife then had a son *
* who kept them on the run *
* and he became my grandchild *
* 'cause he was my daughter's son *
* My wife is now my mother's mother *
* and it makes me blue *
* because although she is my wife *
* she's my grandmother, too *
* If my wife is my grandmother *
* then I am her grandchild *
* and every time I think of it *
* it nearly drives me wild *
* This has got to be the strangest thing I ever saw *
* As husband of my grandmother *
* I am my own grandpa *
* I'm my own grandpa *
Everybody!
[together] * I'm my own grandpa *
* It sounds funny, I know *
* but it really is so *
* Hey! I'm my own grandpa **
Stay tuned, everybody.
We'll be back after this break.
Thanks again for coming to the station, Mr. Sender.
It was a pleasure, I assure you.
Bye-bye.
Sender!
We meet at last.
No time to chat, I'm afraid.
I'm taking over the heads of a dozen foreign countries.
My God!
His plans for world domination
are already coming together.
[ominous musical fanfare]
You know what's strange, Dad?
I would have thought a man as powerful as sender
would be surrounded by bodyguards.
You can't see them, Buster, but they're here,
ready to pounce on anyone
who so much as utters the words,
"I'll get you yet, Sender." Whoa!
Hey! Let go of my dad!
Buster!
What happened?
It's Sender's men! They captured Dad!
[high-pitched screams]
so where are we going, fellas?
Fasten your seat belts.
You're a clever man, Mr. Stupid...
if that really is your name.
Too clever for your own good.
You play the innocent most convincingly.
You thought you'd fool me
into thinking you were dead
and then you'd catch me red-handed
when I went to make the sale.
A masterful bit of strategy,
and you came dangerously close to pulling it off.
We'd better get going, sir.
We're due at Warehouse 21 in less than an hour.
Warehouse 21?
No use gathering intelligence now, my friend.
Our little chess game is over.
I hope you won't find the end game
too unpleasant.
I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing I can do.
It's no use.
They won't let anyone on to that Army base
unless they're in the Army.
This is serious. Dad's in danger.
We've got to think of something.
What if we form our own army?
To do that, we'd have to form our own country!
We could call it "Stupidia,"
a sovereign nation with its own laws
its own customs, its own government.
Mom, as mother of this household
your leadership's withstood the test of time.
I'd like to nominate you as president.
To the polls, everyone.
Get this over with, already.
This guy's already taken out three of our best.
Relax.
His hands are tied. He's unarmed.
We've got two guards posted outside.
I've got a gun on him.
There's no way he's leaving here alive.
Isn't that right, Mr. Stupid?
[spits]
Remember, throw your gum in the trash
when you're done chewing it.
I spend a huge amount of my time cleaning up gum.
In the name of the Lloyd!
[grunts]
Oh, gee.
All right. Get your hands up.
[screams]
Thank you, dear Lloyd!
The polls are dead even,
give or take a vote.
If only we knew who Dad was voting for.
Joan! Joan!
Congratulations, Mom.
Thank you, everyone.
And as your president,
I appoint Stanley Stupid
head of the Army!
Your first duty is to go to that army base
and rescue my husband.
And get our dad while you're at it.
I'm afraid those two will have to wait.
We've got to get to Warehouse 21.
Joan, give me the keys.
The car won't start.
Dad, you and Mom...
switch places.
Mom, hand the keys to Dad.
[car starts]
Good work, everybody!
This must be the place.
Well, what have we here?
Shh.
Sorry.
[men talking]
Excuse me, everyone.
May I have your attention, please?
Impossible.
He's amazing.
Before you unleash strife
and warfare upon this planet,
please look into your hearts.
No guns.
[Stanley] Inside, you're still human beings.
You can change your ways.
You all could come back from the dark side.
You. Send a squad toward the eastern flank of the warehouse.
You. Organize a counter to the left.
Your men will back the first two squads
while my men rove on point.
But he's only one man.
Trust me.
You don't want to underestimate him.
So turn yourselves in, everyone.
My family and I do not wish to fight you.
But if you do not give up,
you will leave us no choice.
Are they giving up?
No. As a matter of fact,
they seem to be organizing some sort of massive attack.
I guess they want to do things the hard way.
They seem pretty well armed, Dad.
Yes, Buster, but so are we.
They may have knives and guns
and missiles and bombs,
but we're armed with the fact
that what we're doing is right.
Sometimes you have to trust in that.
Let the final showdown begin.
Don't!
[ricochet]
Get him!
Whoa!
Run! Move!
Left! Right!
Right!
- Left! Left! - Right!
Left! No, no-- the other left!
No, no!
Take your time, men.
He's unarmed.
Or am I?
Ah-ha!
[growling]
I'm stuck! I'm caught. I'm trapped.
Somebody help me!
I'm "cornered."
Yes! That's the word I'm looking for.
I'm cornered!
I'll save you, Dad.
Must...
concentrate.
Focus, power of mind...
over matter.
Channel every ounce of will power.
It's working!
I've done it!
Behold the super human strength of Buster!
Huh?
Grrrah.
Buster!
Whoa... whoa...
Buster...
Sorry, Dad.
[explosion]
What the hell was that?
Sounds like it came from the warehouse district.
[siren wailing]
Phew.
Buster? Stanley?
Please be careful out there.
There's lots of little fires burning all over the place.
[explosion]
This is the worse fire extinguisher I've ever seen.
How lovely.
[explosion]
- Aah! Aah! - Aah!
Car 15, request back-up.
Send squad cars immediately to Warehouse 21.
Car 15, we are on our way.
Oh, great.
Fine! Just great.
[gunfire]
We've got to get out of here.
Not to worry. The police are on my side...
as far as they know.
How do I look?
Quite convincing, sir, but what about me?
You, my friend...
are on the wrong side of the law.
Sir?
Get some cuffs over here!
I got the ring leader.
Shoot to kill, boys.
Those are evil men in there.
You've got to let me through, officer.
The cargo I'm transporting
is extremely cultural.
I'm sorry, sir.
No one's getting through here at the moment.
I guess I'll find another route home.
In the meantime, could you pull your vehicle
over with the rest of the cars?
Oh, Stanley. You were so brave in there.
Look! The police are on our side again.
Yes. Our work here is done.
Before we go, there's a certain arch villain
I'd like to speak to.
I have a feeling he learned an important lesson today.
Well, my friend, it seems you lost.
I certainly am.
Problem is, you took the wrong road right from the start.
Can you help get me back on the right path?
Yes, I can. But it won't be easy.
You've got to turn yourself around.
You've got to straighten out.
But as long as you can remember
to head toward the light,
you'll never go wrong.
Thanks. You've really saved me.
Until we meet again.
It's been quite a day.
I have to say that I'm glad it's finally over.
I'm afraid it's not over yet.
You must think you have some kind
of guardian angel, Stanley.
You thought you could take me on and pay no price--
destroy my future...
and then slip through my fingers again and again.
Well, not this time, bucko!
This time I'm gonna take care of you myself.
Where's your guardian angel now?
- [groans] - [thud]
Betcha surprised to see me!
We certainly are.
And very impressed, I might add.
Let this be a lesson to you.
Nobody gets away from me.
I've been on the job too long.
Here's your bill.
[thuds]
I would have thought guardian angels worked for free.
Oh, Joan. You're so wonderfully naive.
I assume you work for the Lloyd?
Me? No. My boss' name is Floyd.
No, it's pronounced Lloyd.
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, Stanley.
Didn't see you around much this weekend.
Whatcha been doing?
This and that--
had breakfast, read the paper, saved the world.
Is that right?
Today I thought we'd have a barbeque.
Stop by. There's plenty for everyone.
Thanks, Stanley, but I left the water
running in my bathtub.
[snoring]
[slurps]
[snarls]
[both speaking alien language]
This is gonna be great, Dad!
Say, how can I help?
You can flip the burgers, son,
but I'd better handle the lighter fluid.
See? "Keep out of reach of children."
You've gotta be careful.
[speaking alien language]
[barking]
What is it, boy?
What is it, kitty?
[whimpering]
[screaming]
[barking]
Are you hungry?
You want a biscuit?
[woof!]
[woofwoofwoof woof!!!]
That poor dog doesn't know what he wants sometimes.
[alien screaming]
[sigh]
[* Tom Arnold: "I'm My Own Grandpaw"]
* Many many years ago when I was 23 *
* I was married to a widow *
* who was purty as could be *
* This widow had a grown-up daughter *
* who had hair of red *
* My father fell in love with her *
* and soon the two were wed *
* This made my dad my son-in-law *
* and changed my very life *
* for my daughter was my mother *
* 'cause she was my father's wife *
* To complicate the matter *
* even though it brought me joy *
* I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy *
* My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad *
* and so became my uncle *
* though it made me very sad *
* for if he was my uncle then that also made him brother *
* to the widow's grown-up daughter who of course was my stepmother *
* I'm my own grandpa *
* it sounds funny I know *
* but it really is so *
* Ho! I'm my own grandpa *
* my father's wife then had a son *
* who kept them on the run *
* and he became my grandchild *
* 'cause he was my daughter's son *
* my wife is now my mother's mother *
* and it makes me blue *
* because all though she is my wife *
* she's my grandmother, too *
* If my wife is my grandmother *
* then I am her grandchild *
* And every time I think of it *
* It nearly drives me wild *
[woman] * This has got to be the strangest thing I ever saw *
* As husband of my grandmother *
* I am my own grandpa *
* I'm my own grandpa *
[Stanley] Everybody!
* I'm my own grandpa *
* it sounds funny, I know *
* but it really is so *
* Hey! I'm my own grandpa **