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[instrumental music playing]
♪ Oh, city by ♪
♪ The mighty dirty river ♪
♪ City by ♪
♪ The greasy rolling sea ♪
♪ I crawl so small ♪
♪ And it stands so tall ♪
♪ And it all belongs ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ Welcome to Joe's Apartment ♪
♪ it's our apartment too ♪
♪ You said it ♪
♪ We've been around ♪
♪ For a hundred million years ♪
♪ And well be here long after you ♪
♪ Let's go to our place ♪
♪ it's a great big space ♪
♪ it's where I wanna be ♪
♪ Where friends all meet ♪
♪ And life is sweet ♪
- ♪ 'Cause everything's for free ♪ - ♪ All free ♪
- ♪ It's the joint ♪ - ♪ It's the joint ♪
- ♪ It's a gas ♪ - ♪ It's a gas ♪
♪ It's a big fat boot in the ass ♪
- ♪ Kick your ass ♪ - ♪ Let's toast ♪
♪ Raise your glass ♪
♪ Here's to Joe ♪
♪ A man with ♪
♪ Class ♪
♪ So ♪
♪ Hello from Joe's Apartment ♪
♪ You're gonna love the view ♪
♪ It's a nest that beats the rest ♪
♪ We're so glad that you're our guest ♪
♪ Come on in We're all undressed ♪
♪ Joe's Apartment ♪
♪ We welcome ♪
♪ You ♪
[roach 1 ] Nice singing, pal!
[roach 2] I'll be under the fridge, if you need me.
[roach 3] Shh! The movies startin'.
[hopeful instrumental music playing]
[Joe] Dear Mom,
I made it to New York safe and sound.
Hands up, pinhead!
- [punching] - [grunting]
[hopeful music resumes]
Dear Mom, I made it to New York.
Hands up, pinhead!
- [punching] - [grunting]
Dear Mom--
Hands up, pinhead!
Please send money.
["New York City" by Madball playing]
♪ I see it every day ♪
♪ Everywhere I look they say ♪
♪ Another life has been taken away ♪
♪ It makes my stomach turn ♪
♪ But livin' here You gotta learn ♪
♪ Get used to it It's reality ♪
[Joe] Don't worry, Mom. I'll pay you back soon.
I'm bound to get a job. I'm a college graduate.
But first things first, I gotta get an apartment.
I hope I can get one for really cheap.
1,500 bucks a month?
There's a hole in the ceiling.
It's a private atrium.
[indistinct shouting]
1,100 a month
for 300 square feet.
That's a sweet deal.
- [woman] No vacancy. - [man] 1,500 a month!
[male 2] Nothing for that price range.
[male 3] Hah! Try Nebraska.
[indistinct song playing]
Oh, my God, mister,
are you all right?
[sirens wailing]
Two days, seven hours,
23 minutes and four seconds.
That's how long I've been lyin' here.
Are you okay?
Of course not.
I'm an artist.
I wanted to express how cold,
how pitiless this city really is.
Nobody touched you for two days?
Spitting doesn't count.
You must be from out of town.
Yeah.
- Iowa. - [scoffs]
[in southern accent] What's your name?
Joe.
Walter. Walter Shit.
Walter Shit?
Yeah.
What, are you lookin' for a place?
Somethin' maybe for a hundred a month.
[spits]
[laughs]
Hey, junior here, thinks he's gonna find himself
a rent-controlled apartment!
[all laughing]
Uh, rent-controlled apartment?
Yeah.
A place where the rents been frozen since
the 1950s.
Places like that are hard to find
because nobody ever leaves em'.
Not unless the landlord gives them a little help.
[woman humming]
[humming continues]
[humming]
[woman screaming]
- Ooh! - Ooh!
[screaming continues]
[laughing]
I love the real estate business.
[man laughing]
[groans]
What?
[sighs]
[humming]
They're always tougher than they look.
See, there's really no way
to get a rent-controlled apartment.
No way at all?
Well, I mean, only if it's like
your Mom's apartment, and, you know, she croaks.
Oh, how you doin', Mrs. Grotowski?
[choking]
[Mrs. Grotowski gasps]
Oh, my God!
Joe...
Mrs. Grotowski doesn't have any family.
You pose as her son, take her apartment.
What?
I-- I couldn't.
Oh, my God!
Joe!
It's your mother!
And she's dead!
Joe?
Thank you.
[hopeful instrumental music playing]
My first place!
[indistinct chattering]
[chattering continues]
[roach 1 ] Who is this guy? Quiet!
Gotta hide! Gotta hide! Gotta hide!
[roach 2] Never seen him around before.
[roach 3] What happened to the old lady?
- Uh-oh. Luggage! - I don't like it!
- Shh. Stay undercover. - Great!
- Another stupid human being. - Shut up!
- I'm just talking. - Hey, can it. Both of youse.
[indistinct laughing]
[roach 4] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
[roach 5] Oh, yum, yummy, yummy!
[indistinct chattering]
Damn. Ralph's out there. Poor sucker.
Uh-oh!
This is the greasiest, ugliest bug I've ever seen in my life.
- Look at that. - Go figure.
Our kind of guy.
He likes good living, that's for sure.
- This guy is not so bad. - I think he's got potential.
[electricity crackling]
Did you hear that? "Greasy." Nice compliment, eh, Rodney?
Word. I thought you was smushed for sure.
Rodney, who's still out there?
Schlomo and Pauli, who else?
Schlomo, I quit drinking.
Me, too, Pauli...
ever since I joined this health club.
It's a great lap pool, isn't it?
Yeah.
Uh-oh, diver down.
We are gonna get drunk.
Hold on. He's having a taste of Old Hound Dog instead.
Oh, I'll drink to that.
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ For something to come through ♪
♪ I'm hoping ♪
♪ I can write a real sweet tune ♪
♪ No passion... ♪
I can't tell you how happy I am
to be finally out on my own, Mom.
No, no. No, thanks, Mom.
I can find a job by myself.
Look how easy I got a place.
Yes, Mom.
No, Mom. Right, Mom. Good, Mom.
Ain't his mom supposed to be dead?
Mom! Mom!
[man] landlord!
- [knock on door] - [chattering over phone]
[indistinct chatter on phone]
Uh, I hope everything's going fine up in heaven, Mom.
- Pray to you later. - [Joe's mom] Joe. Joe.
- Amen! - Joe...
[coughing]
Who the hell are you?
Joe f-f-f-f Grotowski.
Joe F. Grotowski.
Vladimir Bianco.
My cousin, Jesus.
Vlad and Jesus Bianco?
You guys are related?
Well, speaking of relations, I knew your old lady
and she never talked you up, not once.
I've been away at college.
Oh, is that so?
Well, $50 rent, college boy.
Cash!
Now!
Sorry about your moms, man.
But then maybe you won't be missing her long.
[laughing]
Amen.
[instrumental music playing]
[Joe] Dear Mom, thanks for another loan.
I haven't found a job yet
but I'm on the lookout for something good.
[rock music playing on player]
[indistinct]
[woman screaming]
[automated message] Thank you for calling 911.
Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line.
Your local police precinct will be with you shortly.
[man] Central Complaint Department, please hold.
I don't know. Please hold.
I Can't help you. Please hold.
Like, who cares, man? Please hold.
Alligators in the subway?
Interesting, ma'am. Uh, please hold.
N-no. Sir, don't try to saw it off yourself.
Uh, please hold.
[instrumental music on phone]
[woman on phone] Central Complaint Department.
Oh, I'm calling from 3241 /2 East 8th Street.
No water, no heat, no power.
Roof leaking, drug dealing.
People falling out of windows?
Wow! Congratulations, sir.
This is the worst call I've had all day.
Really?
Coffee break!
Please hold.
[Joe on phone] No, no, no.
Ma'am? Hello?
[soft instrumental music playing]
Hey, Lily, what's up?
Oh, Blank. Hey.
This garden of yours is really comin' along. Hmm.
Quite a change from the old air shaft.
Oh, yeah.
It's such a relief after all those calls, huh?
Oh, it ain't bad now.
Wait till there's a riot or a fire!
Ooh, serious OT.
You know, I just...
I wish we could actually do something
other than putting people on hold.
What are you doing in this dead end city department anyway?
Child, go work for your dad.
[Blank] The man's a US senator.
Wear a nice dress, sit next to his podium.
You could get into politics, easy.
[patriotic instrumental music playing]
- Ah, Mr. Bianco. - Ooh, check it out.
Please, senator, just call me Alberto.
Have you brought me good news, Alberto?
My second to the last tenant has just taken flight, Senator.
- We two saw her off personally. - Wonderful.
I'm sure shell love the Florida condo you bought her.
Nothing is too good for my tenants.
Now how about your last tenant?
We've made his final arrangements.
And soon the building will be yours.
[Dougherty] And the US government will have acquired
the last bit of property we need...
for the brand new...
Manhattan...
maximum security federal penitentiary.
The biggest prison in the world.
Ah, whatever happened to the Lower East Side?
How did it decay so badly
that the only thing that'll sprout in its soil...
is a jail?
Oh, we can't take all the credit for that--
But we're glad we could help.
[chuckles]
[upbeat music playing]
Oh, look at those kids.
They could get hurt playing in this empty lot.
Tell me about it. I used to get plenty of cuts and scratches
but that's all there is around here.
Hi, guys.
What are you making?
A crack house.
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
This is awful. Th...
This should be a public garden
with safe places for kids to play
with flowers and trees.
Lily, this ain't no cute little building atrium.
This is the nastiest neighborhood in New York City.
Come on, girl.
[instrumental music playing]
[sighs]
[music stops]
[slurping]
- Hey, hey, Conference. - What's up, Ralph?
[Ralph] This new guy, Joe, he don't wash, he don't clean
he don't vacuum, he don't give a crap.
He's the dirtiest freakin' slob on the planet.
I think I'm in love.
- Me, too, Ralph. - I vote we keep him.
[roach] We just got to break him in, that's it.
[glass shattering]
Oh, my gosh!
[indistinct chattering]
[intense music playing]
Looks like the landlord wants to change Joe's lease.
They ain't doing no paint job.
Let's not kid ourselves, Ralph. If Joe gets greased, we're next.
I ain't gonna stand for it.
Let's teach them toe-heads some respect!
[screaming]
Roaches to the rescue.
I love the smell of this old couch.
- Double time! Double time! - Hang on! Ow!
Hurry! These goons are gonna bust Joe's skull!
[grunts]
He knows it too.
- Feel him shaking? - Spring is in the air.
- Stay cool, Joe. - Take it easy, Joe.
[roach] Don't worry, Joe. We got your back.
Who?
Where is he?
[Joe sneezes]
[laughing]
[screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
All right, troop! Maneuver, alpha.
[all] Sir, yes, sir!
Bombs away!
Give me a kiss, asshole.
- Oh, God, they, they talk? - Yeah, that's right!
I'm about to come over and kick your ass, too!
- Disgusting little-- - Hey!
Your mama's cooking sucks! I won't even touch it.
Why you...
[gun firing]
[screaming]
[roach] Oh, I think he got me. He got me.
I'm heading up to that big dumpster in the sky.
[coughing]
You missed!
[firing]
Over here, fruitcake.
[roaches laughing]
[Jesus] Let's get 'em!
[trigger clicking]
It's a roach clip. Get it?
[screaming]
Now you're in trouble!
Ought to stomp your freaking head!
[screaming]
Slip onto something more comfortable.
Hiya, Hansel and Gretel. Lay off our buddy Joe.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Just let us go-- - You listening?
'Cause if you ain't you're gonna get
a roach in every freakin meal you'll ever have
for the rest of your miserable freaking life!
- You got that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We know where you live!
We live where you live.
[screaming]
- What a fall! - Leaving so soon?
- The party's just started! - See ya, hate to be ya!
[screaming]
- A spare! - You was robbed!
- Did you see 'em run? - You was great, Ralphie.
- What a couple of pansies. - Joe, you all right?
Pretty tense there, for a minute.
Get back!
- Joe. - Buddy!
That ain't no way to treat your friends.
- My friends? - Sure!
We like the way you run things here,
so we, uh, wanted to keep you around.
You... You can talk.
Talk? We can sing!
[all harmonizing] ♪ Garbage ♪
♪ Ga-a-arbage ♪
[burps] Sorry.
♪ The garbage in the moonlight ♪
- ♪ Gives off a lovely smell ♪ - ♪ Lovely smell ♪
♪ Sipping sewage with my baby ♪
♪ In a little roach motel ♪
♪ Please don't tell ♪
♪ Zoom zoom zooma Zoom zoom zipitty zoom ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ On an ocean trip On a garbage ship ♪
♪ With a cockroach I adore ♪
♪ Well take a taste Of the medical waste ♪
♪ That washes up on shore ♪
♪ Oh sweetheart Say you love me ♪
♪ And crawl underneath my rug ♪
♪ You're one in a thousand billion baby, ♪
♪ Oh, won't you be ♪
♪ My-y-y bug ♪
♪ Won't you be my bug? ♪
♪ Please be my bug ♪
[snores and gasps]
[sighs]
God, what a nightmare.
I'm up. I'm up already.
[snoring]
[indistinct chattering]
Huh, what's that?
I'm trying to get some shut-eye here.
- Hey! - Morning, Joe.
Names Ralph Roach.
This is my associate, Rodney Roach.
What's happening, Joe?
[roaches] Hey!
[roach] Another hot and muggy one, eh, Joe?
What are you doing on my breakfast?
Little nosh, that's all.
- How's it hanging today? - Word up.
[speaking in foreign language]
Hey, how do you like them Knicks, Joe?
How many of you are there?
This apartment? Not a lot. About 20, 30, 40,000.
Mostly family, you know.
- And you can talk? - Sure.
We just don't talk much. Not to people, anyhow.
No point. People smush first, and ask questions later.
But not you, brother. You're different.
Oh, yeah?
Joe! Joe! Joe!
Let's be friends. We just saved your life, remember?
Besides, Joe, if those
two friends of yours come back,
we might come in useful.
So, how's about a live-and-let-live philosophy here, Joe?
Slobs of a feather swarm together.
- Makes sense to me. - That's fair.
- Share and share alike. - What's yours is ours.
- Stereo rights? - Just warn us before you flush.
I gotta get out of here.
- Where are you going, Joe? - None of your business.
- Mind if we hang out with you? - Yes!
[roaches] Oh.
- Come on! - Don't be that way, Joey!
- Can we? - Please?
- You won't even notice us. - Yeah, well be good.
What's up his butt?
[Ralph] Seems to me like we oughta
keep an eye on him
in case he needs our help.
- Right as usual, Ralph. - Excellent idea, Ralph.
[roaches] Joe! Joe! Joe!
["86" by Green Day playing]
♪ Exit out the back ♪
♪ And never show your head around again ♪
♪ Purchase your ticket ♪
♪ And quickly take the last train out of town ♪
♪ So stand aside and let the last... ♪
Ritardo's!
Come on in. The cheese is fine.
You're fired!
Here are your enlargements, sir.
[gasps]
You're fired!
- You're fired! - You're fired!
Poor Joe. Having trouble keeping a job.
We're doing our best to help him, Ralph.
Guess we got to keep on trying.
Love this guy! Breakfast?
Don't mind if I do.
Uh, Ralph. Don't panic or nothing.
W-Wh... What do you mean?
Well, it appears to me
that one of our most dreaded natural enemies
somehow got into the place!
Oh, my God! Joe, wake up! A cat!
[indistinct chattering]
[roaches screaming]
Oh, uh, hey, how's everybody doing tonight?
[roars]
Yeah, thank you, thank you. Uh, good-looking crowd.
Uh, anybody here from New Jersey?
- [roach whistles] - Yeah? What exit?
- Bada bing. - He's dying out there.
Some pretty cool cats from there. Sinatra, Bruce.
Say, uh, nice set of whiskers, sir.
[roars]
Poor Ralphie. I can't look!
[roaring]
It's Cousin Tiny from Texas!
Howdy, cousins! Just buzzing through!
Let's have ourselves a little rodeo!
[meows]
[goofy instrumental music playing]
♪ It's chicken-pickin' Finger-lickin' good ♪
♪ Got my money and a honey in a sunny neighborhood ♪
♪ it's a wrassling Hassling, dazzling show ♪
♪ Promenade and do-si-do ♪
♪ Just a little itty bitty kitty-cat rodeo ♪
♪ Kitty-cat rodeo... ♪
♪ Oo-de-oo-alay-ee ♪
- ♪ Oo-de-oo-alay-ee ♪ - [snoring]
♪ Oo-de-oo-alay-ee ♪
[roach] Scrape it, Clyde!
♪ Now you ought to bring your daughter for the tap dancing ♪
♪ When he's shaking and a-baking and breaking it in ♪
♪ He's a-gripping a-rippin it A-slipping oh no ♪
♪ Come on mister bring your sister bring her to the rodeo ♪
♪ Bring her to the rodeo... ♪
♪ Oo-de-oo-alay-ee ♪
- Go, Joe! - Attaboy, Joe!
Look at those claws digging into his Joe's face, man.
That's got to hurt, eh?
♪ Just a little itty bitty kitty-cat rodeo ♪
Good arm, Joe! Good arm!
- ♪ Me-e-e-ow ♪ - [roach] So long little pussy.
Joe, you... you saved my life!
No human being has ever saved the life of a cockroach.
[roaches cheering]
This is a breakthrough in interspecial diplomacy!
Yeah? Well, stop following me to work already!
- For God's sake. - You got it, Joey boy.
- Forget about it. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
[roach] We don't follow you to work no more.
Yeah, right. I've heard that before.
[roaches cheering]
- Give me a J! - J.
- Give me an O! - O.
- Give me n E! - E!
- What's that spell? - Joe!
[Joe] Dear Mom, the job situation has been a little tricky.
But I know I'm going to land something soon.
Congratulate me.
This is the first of my works to use paint.
I call this piece Instant Minority.
I did the whole block.
But people are black or white or brown.
Nobody's purple.
Periwinkle!
You're now the world's smallest minority.
Damn it, Walter, how am I supposed
to get a job looking like this?
- You know how to play drums? - No.
Perfect! You want a job?
[gunshots]
I'm doing a musical performance at Gusto House.
You can sit in for my regular drummer. He's dead.
Well, sure.
What? He's dead?
Yeah. Actually, it's a very funny story.
You see, there's this crack dealer in our building,
and my drummer called...
[gunshots]
...slit his throat, you know, so badly
that his own mom couldn't identify him at the morgue.
Oh, I'm gonna miss that guy.
So is it a deal?
- Well... - Excellent. Here.
You can put these up.
Wow! That's a cool name for a band.
[chaotic instrumental music playing]
Shit.
Oh, uh, um, uh...
- Hi. - Hi.
It's a band.
- What is? - Sh...
Uh, this.
That's nice.
[stammers] I'm the drummer.
We kick ass.
I guess you must.
What are those for?
Oh, uh, it's a community garden.
We're gonna plant flowers and have a playground for kids,
vegetables for families.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, but the lot is just... it's totally bare of soil.
We're gonna need fertilizer.
- Fertilizer? - Yeah, a lot of it.
And then I saw your sign and I thought...
that is exactly what we need.
Oh, w... well, maybe I can help out.
Wonderful. I'm Lily.
I'm Joe.
[instrumental music playing]
[Joe] Dear Lily, it was great to meet you.
I'm into gardening, too.
I can plant trees, weed flowers, dig bulbs...
Boobs, Joe, not bulbs!
Tell her you dig her boobs!
Yeah, Joe, dames like compliments.
Ain't nothing like the sight of a woman
with a sackload of grubs hanging off her abdomen, eh, Joe?
Can't you see that I'm trying to have some privacy?
Oh.
Hey, Joe, what's this idea
you people keep kicking about privacy?
Yeah, yeah, explain it to us. We don't get it.
People need to be alone sometimes.
Yo, Joe, that's a false philosophic construct.
You ain't never alone.
Not in New York City, you ain't.
Us roaches see everything you do.
So what? We're all friends here.
Okay. Fine. Shut up.
[Ralph] Oh, I like that.
- "Shut up," he says. - Shut up yourself, bonehead.
- No manners, this guy. - Oh, who needs you?
- Yeah, so long, Romeo. - I bet she's a dog.
[roaches howling]
[howling stops]
[sighs]
[Joe] Dear Lily, I want to help your garden.
That's "plow your garden," Joe. Tell her you want to plow her.
[grunts]
[Joe screams]
Oh.
I said shut up, already!
Come on, Joe!
Dames secretly like it when you give em shit.
We need fertilizer. Lots of it.
- What are you doing? - Giving you a neck rub, Joe.
[Ralph] You seem a little tense.
- Okay, already. We're gone! - Chill out.
[cheeky instrumental music playing]
[dog barks]
[music continues]
Get...
[kids cheering]
Ew!
[music continues]
[passengers gagging]
[classical instrumental music playing]
Oh, you've got to be more careful
with those enthusiastic greetings, pumpkin.
I'm an old man.
Oh, Daddy.
I got a call from your job supervisor the other day.
He told me that you're spending a lot of time
in that little atrium of yours.
But I must insist...
you tell me where you got those earrings.
Mm, Saks.
The atrium is just a dry run for my first big project.
Wh... I'm sorry, a project? Wh... What project?
I'm starting a community garden in the East Village.
Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Whereabouts?
Um, East 8th Street in Avenue B.
In your old neighborhood.
Isn't this great, Daddy?
Pumpkin...
I'm building a federal prison on that site.
A prison?
In the middle of the East Village?
Why not?
With all the crime and drugs, it's already a prison.
Well, not until my 30-day gardening permit expires.
And by that time,
I'll have the whole East Village behind me.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I have some mulching to do.
[thunder rumbling]
[roach] Hey, what's that smell?
- It's odoriferous. - It's splendoriferous.
[Ralph] Joe, you are a prince among men.
[roach] Always thinking of your buddies, eh, Joe?
A letter for Ralph.
- Mail call! - Anything for me?
- Letter for Rodney. - Hey! A postcard from Uncle Sid!
[roach] How are things down in Tampa?
Garbage magazine?
- Oh, thanks a bunch, Joe! - Did my sex toy arrived yet?
[Joe] Junk mail. Junk mail.
Hey, one for me.
- It's from Mom. - No kidding, Joe.
- How is the old bag? - Hey, be respectful there.
[Ralph] Oh, Joe knows I'm kidding!
[thunder rumbling]
"Dear Joe, I got you a job interview
"with P.I. Smith & Sons.
The boss is my old high school classmate."
P.I. Smith & Sons?
- Great company. - You've heard of em?
They're the biggest manufacturer in New York.
What do they make?
[man] When I was about your age
I woke up one morning, I said to myself...
"Urinal cake.
That's the future."
So...
I decided to aim for men's room manufacturing.
Now I'm the richest man in the urinal sanitation industry.
Twenty million men piss on my name everyday.
That's great, sir.
So, you're an Iowa boy like me.
Uh, yes, sir. Went to Murchison High School.
Good old Murchison.
Go, Bullfrogs!
[croaks]
Yeah, my mom could do that cheer really well.
She was a varsity cheerleader.
Oh, I remember.
Your mom was the hottest tomato in school.
Oh...
Does your mom still wear her hair in that sexy way?
Does mischief still sparkle in her eye, that... minx?
Mommy still got that saucy swing to her hips?
Did Mommy ever give you a...
a sponge bath?
Welcome to the research department
for P.I. Smith & Sons.
You will play an essential role
in our quest for the perfect urinal cake...
"used product retrieval."
Your first assignment,
retrieve all used product from the restrooms
at 58 East 161st Street, the Bronx.
Deliver them to the research department for testing.
58 East 161st Street.
58 East 161st...
[crowd cheering]
[indistinct chattering]
[Ralph] Joe's here!
Ah, let him watch. He's okay.
- What's this? - [Ralph] Channel R.
The roach public access channel.
You roaches have your own channel?
Shut up already!
[instrumental music playing]
Are you ready for something itsy-bitsy, baby?
Oh...
Come and get it, you greasy little tick.
Mmm! Oh, my God! I'm gonna pupate!
Ah!
[buzzing]
- You so fine, baby. - Yeah.
Bloats up your crop, "donut," Joe?
[cockroaches laughing]
[grunts]
- Hey, Joe! - Ah!
- What is it now? - You seem a little down, Joe.
Are you okay?
Oh, just great.
I'm lonely, my job sucks...
and I'm in love with a girl who's got a boyfriend.
My life has totally turned to shit.
Funny thing about shit, Joe.
Good stuff tends to grow out of it.
Yeah, right.
You don't believe me?
Check out that bag in the corner.
[angelic music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
Where do you want this stupid bush?
Um, right over there.
[scoffs]
Oh, isn't this great, Blank?
[chuckles sarcastically]
This is not my thing.
Why did I say yes to this?
[indistinct chattering]
For you.
Elephicalia vermilius?
I did my senior thesis on this flower.
It's only found in Sri Lankan elephant habitats.
It loves rotting, moist conditions.
Wow.
Oh, well, you know...
Oh.
It's a terrific planting for the garden.
Uh, good.
Thanks. Hah.
Um, what's "PIS & S?"
Uh, oh.
Um, it's the, uh, bank I work for.
Uh, Prudential Investment Stocks Securities Savings...
Um, I thought you played in a band.
I do.
But, uh, uh...
banking is kind of like my trade.
I'm sort of a rock-and-roll banker.
You wear these overalls to work?
[chuckles nervously]
- Um... - What's this?
Oh, oh, no, oh...
Uh, those are, uh, super-mulching pellets.
- Great for growing things. - Huh.
- I've never seen them before. - It's a new technology.
Could you get some of these for the garden?
As many as you want!
[laughing]
Thank you.
You're great.
On one condition. You come see my band tomorrow night.
I can put you on the list.
Um... I don't know.
Oh, hey, come on.
Uh, well...
Can't resist a man in a uniform.
[cockroaches singing]
Thank you for tuning in to "Alternative Life,"
New York's only truly underground forum.
We continue last week's discussion,
"How can we promote better understanding between species?"
Well, for starters, lay off the rat jokes!
Hey, hey, hey, how many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Howd you like a punch in the beak, wiseguy?
Hey, lay off the bird, sewer-breath!
Go gnaw some nuts, chump!
Wait a minute, Can't we all just get along?
[all] No!
[indistinct shouting]
- Now, guys-- - Hey, out of the way.
- We're watchin' Charlie Roach. - Step aside.
I've got a date tonight.
Hamana-hamana.
[indistinct chattering]
- About time, Joey! - Porkola time, buddy.
So I want you guys to stay out of sight.
- Who, us? - Sure, Joey.
No problem, Joe.
You've got the place to yourself tonight, Joe.
We're "Gandhi."
I'll forget about every horrible thing
you've ever done to me if you just disappear tonight.
All right? Just disappear.
We're all on the same team, Joe.
Hey, forget about it.
I mean it.
[cockroaches] Oh, yeah!
[roach] Thanks, Joe.
- Look at that piece of meat. - Oh, yeah!
- That's some dope shit, Joe.
- Yeah, Joey, oh,, yeah! - Good looking out, Joe!
[cockroaches cheering]
[cockroach slurping]
[whirring]
[rattling]
[cockroaches grunting]
- That hit the spot. - Complements au chef.
- Know what I'm sayin'? - Joe's first date!
Yeah. Let's make it special.
- Great idea, Ralph. - Special, sure.
I'm in favor.
[vehicles honking]
[woman] All right, buddy, that's it.
Here, let's just get him over the curb.
Come on, come on, damn this sucker's heavy.
- Mr. Smith? - Joe.
It's a hostile takeover.
Ten minutes ago, this company
became a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Featherstone Feminine Products.
They're going to shut down the whole urinal cake division!
Don't forget to take this.
[woman] Come on. This way, gentlemen. Let's get going.
[woman 2] Roll it over here.
[indistinct chattering]
My whole life's work!
Ruined!
[sobbing]
[woman] That's right.
The days of trickle-down economics are over.
[sobbing continues]
["Winn Coma" by Boss Hog playing]
♪ Stand back watch me suck your belly dry ♪
♪ Cover girl used to havin' things her way ♪
♪ Never lie to those you don't love ♪
♪ Cross my heart I hope you die ♪
♪ Nothing to lose ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Nothing to lose ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
[audience cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen, it's loud, it's bad,
it's Shit!
[all booing]
Hmm. Easy crowd.
[all booing]
Oh, a new drummer.
Yeah. I hope he's good.
Hit it!
[clacking]
[arrhythmic drumming]
I'm sorry!
There won't be any rock n' roll tonight.
This is all that's left!
[audience laughing]
Hey, uh, Walter?
[Walter] This feeble wimped-out death rattle
is all that remains of the rolling thunder
of America's heartbeat!
[all cheering]
[rock music playing]
Uh, it wasn't that bad. Really.
Yes, it was.
Well...
maybe you should stick to banking after all.
I'm not a banker, I'm not a drummer.
I can't even keep a job collecting urinal cakes.
I'm just...
nothing.
I think you're something.
Why aren't you aren't out with your boyfriend anyhow?
What boyfriend?
You know, the guy I saw you kiss
in the garden a few days ago.
Oh, well...
He's probably home kissing my mother.
He's my dad.
[chuckling]
The lot is completely planted.
The community is behind it
and the flowers are starting to bloom, and...
Now all I have to do is show it to my father
and show him something good
can still come out of the neighborhood
and is worth saving.
Do you want to come over to my place?
[splats]
I've got a towel you could use.
[bubbling]
[drips]
[squeaking]
[bubbling]
[squeaking]
[bubbling]
[squeaking]
[bubbling]
[singing "F.U.N.K.Y. Towel" by De La Soul]
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Baby, I got the love ♪
♪ Baby, I got the power ♪
♪ Come on, girl And rock my world ♪
♪ And my funky towel ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪ ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Baby got the love ♪
♪ Baby got the howl ♪
♪ Oh, let's get down to party town ♪
♪ And my funky towel ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Thick and funky ♪
- ♪ Steaming up the dance floor ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Get on up and shake that thing ♪
♪ Get on up and shake your thing ♪
♪ Everybody's getting what they ask for ♪
♪ Everybody, everybody sing ♪
♪ Sing, sing, sing ♪
♪ Welcome to Joey's toilet ♪
♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪
♪ Boing, boing, boing ♪
- ♪ Aah ♪ - ♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪
♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah ♪
[cockroaches vocalizing]
♪ Oh-h-h ♪
[rattles]
Make yourself at home.
- Thanks. - I've got a towel...
[roach vocalizing] ♪ Bow-wow-ka-bow-bow ♪
[roaches joining in]
What are you guys doing?
Havin a party, Joe. What's it look like?
I'm serious, I want you guys out of here!
- Joe, my brother! - Thanks, Joey!
- What say you, Joe? - Bust a move, Joe.
♪ Funky towel ♪
Okay, okay, I'm dancin'.
Now, beat it. Leave.
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪
[roaches screaming]
Oh, Joe.
You just flushed our rhythm section out to Coney Island.
So follow em out there. Lily's here.
[trilling] She is?
My, uh, towels are in the, uh, laundry.
Oh, that's fine.
Oh.
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
So, um...
you live here alone?
Uh, yep.
Nobody here but us.
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
Guys, you promised.
Come on, baby, light my fire.
[cockroach chuckling]
- Up periscope. - Music, maestro.
[music playing on player]
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
Oh!
How's about a smooch, baby?
Oh.
[cockroaches groaning]
- [roach] She's massive. - Your place is so comfy.
Shut up.
I mean, uh...
drink up.
[roach] Down the hatch, sweetie.
Here's to life's little surprises.
I think you're gonna need one of these, Joe.
Uh... pretzel nugget?
Bon appetit.
[cockroach screams]
[crunching]
- Oh-ho, what a lover! - A real Casanova.
Go get her, Joe.
Beg your pardon?
Um, feeling better?
Well, I'm...
still a little wet.
[cockroach whistling]
- What's going on now? - Don't push.
- Quit shoving. - Oh, I, I'm sorry.
I-- I hope you don't catch cold.
- She wants it. - I smell victory.
At least it wasn't a downpour.
Whoa, whoa, steady there!
- Whoa! - Steady!
- Timber!
[cockroaches screaming]
[screaming]
[roach] Let me out of here!
[Lily screaming]
- No, no! Wait! - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[Lily screaming]
Lily, come back! Lily!
Oh, my God.
Uh!
My garden.
My father was right.
This place does deserve to be a prison.
The East Village sucks!
- Uh-oh. - Uh, uh, Joe, um, uh...
We're really sorry, man.
- We're sorry, Joe. - We didn't mean it.
Tough break, buddy.
- Beer, Joe? - Oh, sorry.
She'll never speak to me again.
- Ah, come on. - There'll be others, Joe.
I don't want any others. I want Lily.
I want to die.
Look on the bright side. You always got us.
[all] Yeah! Yeah!
All right.
That's it.
I'm getting rid of you roaches once and for all.
[roach] No, no, no. Wait. Don't be rash.
I'll gonna kill every last one of you!
Joe, we're family!
Well, I guess this means war.
[Ralph] Joe, let's talk.
This is all I got to say to you, Ralph.
[dramatic music playing]
- He's got a bomb! - Run for your lives!
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
[cockroaches coughing]
[laughing maniacally]
Oh, my babies! My babies!
One, two, three, heave!
Un, dos, tres, heave!
[gasps]
[grunts]
[thuds]
Careful, soldier, Don't lose your head.
[cockroach blows a raspberry]
Aw, Joe's little dolly got hurt.
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
Red alert! Red alert! Red alert!
[screaming]
[Ralph gulps]
[Ralph spits]
Armored force, attack!
[thuds]
[roach] The harder they come, man.
Let her go!
[cockroaches] Timber!
[glass shattering]
[indistinct chattering]
Nice day for a funeral.
- What the... - Hello, Joe.
Now can we talk?
- [Vladimir] You go first. - [Jesus] No, you go first...
Goddamn, you little sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of my apartment!
Oh, listen to that.
- Your apartment? - I believe we were here first.
We'll be here last, too.
We got a long-term lease on this planet.
Roaches will be crawling on the daisy
popping out of the last rotting human corpse.
God, you're disgusting.
Oh, like you humans are any kind of fucking prize!
What makes you so much better than us, huh?
War, pollution...
- New Age music! - Blech!
I suppose those things are our fault?
[dramatic music playing]
We just want to say two things.
First, we're sorry we ruined your life.
Second, goodbye.
- Toodles. - Sayonara.
What do you mean, "Goodbye"?
Joe, we took a big risk talking to you.
And since you faked the funk on our friendship...
You can't walk off knowin' what you know.
[Joe grunts]
Painful decision, Joe.
Hey, wait.
[sloshing]
[dramatic music playing]
Here, roachy, roachy.
Gonna miss you, Joe.
I-- I was kidding.
Any last words, Joe?
[Joe] Don't kill me.
Those are the last words, Joe?
Ready! Aim!
[dramatic music playing]
[explosion]
[cockroaches screaming]
Ralph! Rodney!
Help!
[twanging]
[explosion]
[grunting]
[fire crackling]
[clattering]
[grunting]
[screaming]
[thudding]
[melancholy music playing]
[rustling]
[clangs]
[man 1 ] Big deal. Please hold.
[indistinct chattering over telephone]
[man 2] So what? Please hold.
Don't make me laugh. Please hold.
[telephone ringing]
Uh, no, ma'am...
I think you should take the shrapnel out
before you cauterize.
- I don't think I can do it! - Please hold.
Central Complaint Department.
Uh, I'd like to speak to Lily Dougherty.
Um, uh, Lily's not here.
- Will she be back soon? - No.
Uh, she's, uh, she's sick.
- Sick? - Yeah.
She's sick of her job.
And she is sick of New York City.
And she is sick of having her stupid
idiotic daydreams dashed to pieces. She's sick of it!
And what makes her sickest
is the unspeakably rotten things
some people do to other people
just when she was beginning to like them!
Lily, is that you?
Uh... No.
- Lily quit. - Lily, Lily, it's Joe!
Lily! Lily! Lily!
[instrumental music playing]
[sad instrumental music playing]
Ralph!
Rodney!
I don't care if you can hear me or not, Ralph,
but you can keep this goddamn city!
I'm goin' back to Iowa!
[Vladimir] Here's a souvenir to take with you.
[punches]
[thuds]
So long, sucker.
Oh, I love the real estate business.
[both laughing]
- Hey, the place looks great. - [Rodney] Sure does, Ralph.
Where's Joe?
[Ralph] Well, around here someplace, I suppose.
Oh, snap! Ralph!
[both] Joe!
Joe, speak to me!
Who did this to ya?
We did, Ralph.
We ran out on him just when he needed us most.
We behaved no better than a bunch of people.
We got to make it up to him. Let's find him a new place.
Well...
You know we got to get Lily back too.
Forget that, I'm a cockroach, not Santy Claus.
Ralphie, I'm surprised at ya.
Does this mean you're givin' up?
Give up? Give up?
What are you saying to me?
How come us roaches have been able to outlast the dinosaurs?
How do we survive poison and persecution?
How?
How do we keep on crawling
in the face of all the world in arms?
I'll tell you how.
Because we never give up!
[cockroaches cheering]
A true cockroach never gives up!
They can stomp us, they can pop us,
but they'll never ever stop us!
[cockroaches cheering]
And some day, the great H-bomb is gonna drop,
and we'll have the whole planet to ourselves!
[cockroaches cheering]
I don't care if we gotta call in favors
from every roach, rat and pigeon in New York City,
we ain't givin' up on Joe!
- Great speech, Ralph! - Truly righteous, brother.
[cockroaches cheering]
[cockroaches chanting] Joe! Joe! Joe!
[instrumental music playing]
[roach] Where's the stapler?
- I need five copies of this. - How do you spell "memorandum"?
[typewriter keys clacking]
[roach] Boot it up.
Anybody got a 1942 W-440?
[music continues]
[rattling]
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
[roach] Special delivery.
This is giving me hay fever.
[roach] Hey, watch the potholes, okay, homes?
- Uh, excuse me, sir. - Mind if we borrow this?
[cockroaches cheering]
[cockroaches screaming]
[splashing]
[angelic music playing]
[whirring]
[popping]
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
- [roach] Yee-haw! - [flushes]
Tubular!
[cockroach laughing]
Wash out!
♪ Sewer surfin' ♪
♪ Under-turfing ♪
♪ Gettin' our kicks while we're hanging six ♪
♪ On a sewer surfing holiday ♪
[cockroaches vocalizing]
[cockroaches humming "La Cucaracha"]
♪ We're sewer surfin' We're sewer surfin' ♪
[cockroaches singing]
♪ Shoo-shoo shoo-shoo Shootin' the tube ♪
♪ I'm gonna get there Shootin' the tube ♪
♪ Hittin' the loo We are dirtier than you ♪
♪ We're shootin' the tube ♪
♪ Aah ♪
[all vocalizing]
[dramatic music playing]
[cockroaches vocalizing fanfare]
Honey, are you sure this is the right address?
Yes, Daddy.
"3241 /2 East 8th Street.
Prison dedication, 9:00 a.m."
Funny. I could have sworn this was an empty lot.
Oh...
[angelic music playing]
[music intensifies]
Ugh.
[cockroaches chattering indistinctly]
[gentle instrumental music playing]
- Hi, Lily. - Joe!
What is all this?
I guess it's sort of...
mine.
And I'm giving it to you.
Is it okay?
It-- it's wonderful, but how did you...
My, uh...
friends helped.
Oh.
I see.
Lily, you were right.
This park will do more for the Lower East Side
than a thousand prisons.
My boy, you've done my old neighborhood a great service.
It was all her idea, Senator.
[chuckling]
[Dougherty] Come on.
[indistinct chattering]
My friends...
this extraordinary garden...
[woman screams]
Is the first blossom
of this neighborhood's rebirth.
What is this?
[spectators cheering]
Kill that lyin', two-timin' Senator Dougherty.
Tonight.
And whack his daughter.
And that damn kid, too.
See all these people here?
Dead by the end of the week.
- [whispering] - [spectators cheering]
That little girl over there...
[Ralph] Hey, Mr. Shirt!
[men gasp]
Let me show you a hot new property.
[men screaming]
[splashing]
[clanging]
Welcome to Lily Park!
[spectators cheering]
[soft instrumental music playing]
There's an extra toothbrush in the cupboard.
Oh, really, don't bother.
No, it's the least I can do.
I mean, your house burned down.
I'll gonna set you up on the couch.
[sighs]
[sputtering]
Joe, you're practically inside.
- Ralph! - Little last-minute advice.
Get lost, Ralph.
You gotta look right into her eyes and say,
"Baby, I'm gonna bop you till your ears bleed!"
Did you need something in there?
Uh, no, thanks.
Play your cards right, Joe, and this could be our new pad.
"Our new pad"?
- You little-- - Hey, hey!
Me and my buddies busted ass for you!
And what kind of thanks do we get?
Ralph...
thanks.
For everything.
Eh, forget it, Joe.
And sorry about our little misunderstanding back there.
Me too. Now, how about a little privacy?
Yeah, yeah. Take my advice, just grab her by--
[gurgling]
[soft romantic music playing]
Gosh, Lily, you look incredible.
Hey, how about a little help over here?
No, no, no, I mean it.
You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life.
I bet you say that to all the girls
the minute you get them alone.
We are alone, aren't we?
[cockroaches chuckling]
Last I looked.
Oh, please, let me.
I can make the bed myself.
Really? Have you ever made a bed in your life?
Sure, watch this.
Oh!
[indistinct chattering]
Swinging pad!
What do you think, Rodney?
[buzzing]
Brother Ralph, I believe
that we have finally reached
the promised penthouse!
Brother bugs and sister insects!
Come on with it, Rodney! Come on with it!
[Rodney] Give a shout out to the Great Big Bug.
With his help, we can turn this antiseptic sanctuary
into a putrid paradise!
♪ Hold my feeler, Lord, Lord ♪
- ♪ Pull me through ♪ - ♪ Pull me through ♪
♪ Hold my feeler, Lord, Lord ♪
- ♪ Pull me through ♪ - ♪ Pull me through ♪
♪ Hold my feeler, Lord, Lord ♪
♪ Till I join that golden horde ♪
- ♪ I'll be hanging ♪ - ♪ Hanging, hanging, hanging ♪
- ♪ Hanging onto you ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[buzzing]
[exhaling heavily]
Lily, now that we're alone, I should tell you...
I'm sorry about what happened at my apartment.
My friends are sorry too.
Friends?
I never thought I'd say this
but they're actually kind of sweet.
They must like you a lot.
Not as much as I like you.
♪ Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe ♪
♪ Go, Joe ♪
♪ We've been battered ♪
♪ And we've been scattered ♪
♪ We've been splattered into goo ♪
- ♪ But the healer ♪ - ♪ Praise the Lord ♪
- ♪ He took my feeler ♪ - ♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ And he really pulled me through ♪
- ♪ Oh, he pulled me through ♪ - ♪ Oh, that feeler ♪
- ♪ He pulled me through ♪ - ♪ Oh, that feeler ♪
♪ Oh, yes he pulled, pulled Pulled me through ♪
♪ When I cash my chips And pay the dealer ♪
♪ I'll be holding on to the Lord's feeler, too ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Hold my feeler My feeler, my feeler ♪
♪ And my antenna, too ♪
♪ Well, I've been down ♪
♪ And I've been trampled ♪
♪ And I dug myself down deep in a hole ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪ - ♪ But I was lifted ♪
- ♪ By the love of that ♪ - ♪ Great Big Bug ♪
♪ With his feelers around my soul ♪
- ♪ My soul ♪ - ♪ Whoa, Lord ♪
♪ Won't you hold my feeler? ♪
♪ Hold my feeler And pull me through ♪
- ♪ I want you to feel my feeler ♪ - ♪ Yes, my Lord ♪
♪ There just ain't nothing realer... ♪
[cockroach laughing]
[cockroaches] Oh, yeah.
Joe, that tickles.
Goochie, goochie, goochie!
♪ Than my ever-loving feeler ♪
♪ Feeling you ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪
♪ So so long from Joe's Apartment ♪
- ♪ Bye-bye ♪ - ♪ We're sad to see you go ♪
♪ Thanks for coming It's been swell ♪
- ♪ Check back into our motel ♪ - ♪ Anytime ♪
♪ Hope you didn't mind the smell ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ Joe's Apartment ♪
♪ Our home sweet ♪
♪ Ho-o-ome ♪
♪ Hey ♪
["F.U.N.K.Y. Towel" by De La Soul playing]
[vocalizing]
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Sir, yes, sir ♪
♪ Sir, yes, sir Sir, yes, sir ♪
♪ My love for the late night bust down is the greatest ♪
♪ Feminine ears just love it when I say this ♪
- ♪ Say what? ♪ - ♪ No need to make it public ♪
♪ Indeed I rubbed it down ways of right ♪
- ♪ I'm getting mine tonight ♪ - ♪ While most keeps it real ♪
♪ One that keeps it rotating ♪
♪ Just land in my pad and start mating ♪
♪ But I know you're waiting on the cork ♪
♪ That's funky as a towel ♪
♪ Played by George Clinton back when I was a child ♪
- ♪ But my thoughts precise ♪ - ♪ We up in here acting nice ♪
♪ So get the label and put it on the turntable ♪
♪ It'd be the F-U-N-K to the Y ♪
- ♪ Towel's got the funk ♪ - ♪ So do I ♪
♪ So raise your hand up high in the air ♪
♪ As we get on down like we just don't care ♪
♪ We came to thank kids Not the blankets but the towel ♪
♪ Shared love with the verb and the vowels ♪
♪ Smooth grooves like a bowel De La representer ♪
♪ Cause funky is the way we keep descending ♪
♪ In your dreams like that ♪
♪ And you don't stop ♪
♪ Got the big brother beat up on my block, it's like that ♪
♪ And you don't quit ♪
- ♪ Towel's got the funk ♪ - ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ I see the party is getting kinda live up in here ♪
♪ I guess a De La Soul jams been put in your ear ♪
♪ Let's make it clear ♪
♪ Ain't no roaches like the one I got ♪
♪ Even Black Flag Can't stop But wait ♪
♪ We like to dance in fore with the funk on the towel ♪
♪ It's sure to be a ball So hold your core ♪
♪ The hits about the floor under the train ♪
♪ So move it to the soul shock stains ♪
- ♪ Uh-uh ♪ - ♪ The F-U-N-K to the Y ♪
- ♪ Towel's got the funk ♪ - ♪ So do I ♪
♪ So raise your hand up high in the air ♪
♪ As we get all down like we just don't care ♪
♪ It'd be the F-U-N-K to the Y ♪
- ♪ Towel's got the funk ♪ - ♪ So do I ♪
♪ So raise your hand up high in the air ♪
♪ As we get all down like we just don't care ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Sir, yes, sir Sir, yes, sir ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Sir, yes, sir Sir, yes, sir ♪
♪ Sir, yes, sir ♪
- ♪ Oh, my towel ♪ - ♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Be a little funky... ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪
♪ Funky towel ♪
♪ Towel's got the funk ♪