Geez, Mike. You look horrible. What's the matter?
MIKE: I had dinner last night at the Irish consulate.
My name tag said "Flaherty." You can do the math.
Not quite the recovery time you used to have,
huh, frat boy? Here's the mail.
MIKE: Whoa, whoa. You wanna get that out of here?
What, this?
Sorry. Here's the rest.
MIKE: Well, okay. Look... hold all my calls.
No interruptions. No visitors.
JANELLE: Go on in.
Mike, you gotta see this. It's gonna kill you.
MIKE: Good.
Introducing the office impression of the day...
NIKKI AND CARTER: Feeding time at the aquarium!
MIKE: Oh, that's hysterical. Please stop.
Oh, Mike, you're no fun.
I ate soap for your amusement!
MIKE: Go away.
Please! Please, people. Will you leave Mike alone?
Please. Mike, you gotta help me.
Do my tonsils look swollen?
It hurts when I swallow.
Get back. Get out. Get out! Out-out-out-out,
or I'll run you through!
There's plenty more where that came from.
Ow! Ahhh!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Mizrahi, we'd like to thank you again
for donating your time to our little charity fashion show.
I should thank you, actually.
I mean, if it wasn't for working on this show,
I'd never would have met Carter.
What can I say? I'm a perk.
You know, I take great pride
in welcoming diverse groups to the mansion.
In fact, we've had many gay couples
pay us a visit.
You're very hip, sir.
Anyone want more wine?
Well! Nice of you to finally show up.
I'll have some.
Where's the food? I'm starving.
Well, dear, perhaps you should have
come down an hour and a half ago
when we were supposed to be eating.
I was just being fashionably late.
(LAUGHS) Little joke for you, Isaac.
I'm sure they find your insensitive behavior quite appealing.
Randall, sit down. Let's not make a scene.
No, we will not be sitting.
Well, this is exciting.
I, for one, am not going to start this meal
until you apologize to our guests.
Well! There it is. I heard it.
Mike, she didn't say a word.
Oh, no. She did, sir. I... I heard her very clearly. Carter, you must have...
Oh! Loud and clear, Mike.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.
Wow. That was a fabulous exit.
So Bette Davis.
Twenty-two years I've been putting up with that.
Women. I tell you, you boys have the right idea...
You know, except for the sex.
(SPITS)
They really got so mad that they were throwing plates?
Who's to say it was out of anger?
Do not our Greek friends break plates
as a sign of joy?
How do you explain the choke-hold?
Do our Greek friends not wrestle for sport?
Who am I kidding? I need a drink.
Who wants to come?
I can't. I have to give a speech at my co-op board.
They catch you sunbathing nude on the roof again?
I never saw what the big deal was with that.
You were on somebody's skylight.
Stop living in the past, Mike.
We need a new laundry room.
Ours is so bad, none of the chicks
will wash their skivvies in-house.
And by chicks, you're referring to...
Broads. Dames. Skirts.
She-meat.
I know for a fact there's phenomenal talent
in my building, but, with no laundry room,
I'm left with no natural way to approach them.
Stuart, is this really your speech? Mmm-hmm.
"I'm sick of the crummy laundry room.
"You gotta do something about it.
"It's scaring all the tenants away."
At least he referred to them as tenants
and not she-meat.
You know, Stuart, if you want I can help you with this.
But it's good, right? There's stuff you can work with.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We're just gonna tweak it a little.
Hey, Nikki, what do you say? You wanna go for a drink?
No can do, Mike.
I'm going to meet Carter and Isaac Mizrahi.
You just feel so cool saying that, don't you?
You know it.
Janelle?
Can't. My boss is making me work late.
I'm your boss. And no, I'm not.
You caught me.
Does anybody want to go for a drink with me?
Sure, Mike.
I'll go out and tip a few sudsies with you.
All right, big daddy. You're on.
PAUL: Great! It's beer night at my favorite karaoke bar.
âªâª What's new, pussycat?
âªâª Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa... âªâª
When I see women and children
dragging bags of laundry down the street
looking like they can't walk another step,
I ask myself, why?
When I spend $2.50 of my hard-earned money
on a washing machine with a final spin cycle
that leaves my clothes sopping wet,
I ask myself, why?
Now I, for one, have had enough.
My fellow tenants, it's time to stop asking why
and start asking, what if?
Amen! I hear you, brother!
Sorry. You were saying?
There's me,
and there's Bobby De Niro
and John-John and Caroline,
who is wearing Prada.
I'm not bitter.
Oh! And look, here in the corner
is our Carter.
Carter, I can't believe you didn't tell me.
You are friends with Robert De Niro?
Yeah. We're splitting house with him
in the Hamptons this summer.
I'm standing 8 feet behind him in a picture.
He doesn't even know I'm alive.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh. This is important.
Um, it's a fashion emergency.
Take it in my room.
Okay, What the hell is a fashion emergency?
Oh, Carter, I think Isaac is amazing.
CARTER: He is.
He's brilliant,
he's funny, he's cute.
He's just too much.
He enjoys life in the fast lane.
I don't like the clubs, the parties,
the whole fashion scene.
And you have the nerve to call yourself gay?
I miss my lectures.
I miss my reading group. I want my life back.
Why? Why don't you just keep this one
and donate yours to some 90-year-old?
âªâª What's new, pussycat?
âªâª Whoa, whoa, whoa... âªâª
Get out of my head. Damn you!
(WHISTLING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Paul, if that's you,
I still refuse to sing You Don't Bring Me Flowers.
Hello, Michael.
Sir.
So, how's the Mrs.?
I'm sorry, Nikki. I'm just a quiet, boring,
slightly uptight gay man.
Oh, put that in a personal ad
and you can have anyone in town.
Oh, you know what? A little bad news.
Cindy can't do your fashion show.
Aw.
But you know what?
I was thinking about this. Stand up a second.
Actually, you know, the dress would fit you.
How would you like to replace her?
You know, I always had to wear
my brother's hand-me-downs growing up,
but I always wanted to be glamorous.
I actually used to go to bed at night
and dream of walking down the runway.
And some people just want to cure cancer.
I say give us a laundry room
where mothers don't lose precious quarters
in broken machines,
where children can feel safe
in dry jammies,
and where a man can put on a clean shirt
and go to work, proud to be a man!
I say give us a laundry room
or we will give you a fight
like you have never seen.
Oh, it's always been this way.
Every Spring like clockwork,
we have this giant month-long argument.
Gosh, sir. That's... healthy.
You blow off steam, you get it all out.
That way, you don't let the tension build up.
We do that the other 11 months out of the year.
This is no way to live, Mike.
Yeah, well, it's no Gracie Mansion, sir,
but I call it home.
A little joke, sir. Just trying to cheer you up.
I'm not sure that's possible.
Hey, Your Honor.
You know what they say about time.
Yeah. Eventually it catches up to you
and forces you to face...
the emptiness that's become your life.
I was actually going for, uh...
it heals all wounds, sir.
Well, it's late.
Thanks for the sandwich and the sympathetic ear.
I don't mean to drag you into all this.
No, no, I'm just going to go and get a hotel room or something.
Don't you be silly, sir.
That's what I'm here for.
Besides, hotel and politician
equal scandal.
You may check in as Randall Winston
but you'll be checking out
as the artist formerly known as the Mayor.
Welcome to Chez Flaherty.
Thank you, Mike.
I really mean that.
Aw, hey, sir.
That is what I'm here for.
And, uh, you just let me know
if there's anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Nighty-night, sir.
Nikki, what is wrong with you?
I'm practicing my runway walk.
Oh. Thank God.
I thought you dislocated something.
Stuart, how'd the meeting go? Hey.
Did you get your washing machines?
I got more than that.
They elected me president of the building.
Oh, God. What have I done to those poor people?
I have 180 tenants under my command
and I wield supreme executive power.
What are you going to do,
declare war on another building?
Good morning, Janelle. Any messages?
Yeah. Brush your hair.
For your information I had a little problem
with the hot water in my apartment this morning.
There wasn't any.
Oh, that's odd. I had the most wonderful shower.
Very refreshing.
All 47 minutes of it.
Oh, Mike, do you know what you need for your bathroom?
A bouncer?
Eucalyptus, Mike.
You just toss a few drops of that,
and with the steam that I generated
it would be like a spa.
So, Janelle, by any chance
did, um, Mrs. Winston call?
Sorry, sir.
You know, if you'd like, sir,
I can call Mrs. Winston right now.
Oh. You want me to leave you alone, Mike?
No, sir. I meant I will dial the phone
for you, you would talk,
and I would leave you alone.
No, no, no. I'm not making the first gesture, Mike.
I am tired of crawling back to her
and apologizing for things that I'm not really sorry about.
Well, sir, uh, correct me if I'm wrong,
but isn't that what marriage is all about?
I mean, after all...
You know, Mike, how hard it is
to balance a relationship and a career in politics?
You know, I was thinking that last night, sir,
as I was having sex with my comforter.
I am proud of the work that I do for this city.
You should be, sir. I can hold out as long as she can.
Be strong, sir.
If I have to, you know,
I can stay with you till the end of time.
Oh, God, sir.
I'm telling you, Mike, they're onto us.
The entire press corps is camped outside Gracie Mansion.
They haven't seen the mayor enter or exit for three days now
and I don't know what to tell them.
It's killing me.
Oh, it's killing you?
I'm... I'm living with the guy.
I have to watch his television shows,
listen to his music.
"Why do you get the bathroom first?"
"Because I'm the mayor."
Try that one on for size.
It's bad, but please, Mike.
You gotta help me. I'm this close to a nervous breakdown.
Look, look, you see? I think I got a hive.
It's jelly, Paul.
Oh. I had a donut.
You got it all over your jacket, too.
Did you eat that donut or mate with it?
Thanks a lot. Making fun of my eating habits.
Hey, I don't care if the last co-op president
fixed every little leak.
Call me back when you have people rowing in your kitchen.
Come on. I don't want to be late
for the Charity Fashion Ball.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
President Bondek here.
Yes, Mrs. Schnoll.
I realize that the gutters are clogged
but I'm really in kind of a...
Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh.
James, your stupid speech ruined my life.
I'll be returning the favor when you least expect it.
I'm gonna go hang out with models, Stuart.
Are you coming or not?
Uh-huh...
Uh-huh!
What, are they leaving already?
Uh-huh.
Phone's for you.
Hello?
Ah-hah.
Ah-hah. Ah-hah.
Well, you know, my gutter was clogged once,
and, you know, I figured it was just like, you know, sticks and mud
and, like, wet leaves and stuff,
so we got a broom handle and we just, you know, shoved it down there
and I found out where my neighbor's cat was missing.
(LAUGHS)
Hello?
Mike, this is a groovy scene.
I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.
Well, if "groovy" is any indication, sir,
I'd say it's been at least 25 years.
Ah! (LAUGHS)
Hello, Randall.
Helen. I didn't expect to see you here.
Who invited you anyway?
Well, actually, it was...
Is it really important who invited whom?
What is important is that fate
brought you both together tonight.
Now, I know you both believe deeply in this charity,
so, why not put our differences aside for the evening,
walk down that runway,
and show this town what kind of first couple you really are.
Fine.
I'll meet you back here in five minutes.
Well, that kind of love just warms my heart.
I love fashion,
and there are so many beautiful people.
James, we're genetically inferior.
They've been programmed not to talk to us.
Hi.
I'm Stuart Bondek.
Hi.
I make a lot less money than you
and I'm not nearly your physical match,
but how about throwing away your pride
and lowering yourself down to my level
for, hmm, a night?
(LAUGHING)
Wait a second.
I know you.
You're the president of my co-op.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. I got the flyer you put out
announcing it to the building.
Well, then, is there anything I can do for you?
You could start by wiping the butt print off my skylight.
You look so much older through the glass.
That was my mother.
Oh! Good. The dress.
You better work it, honey.
How do you feel?
I... I can't breathe.
Perfect!
âªâª I'm too sexy for my job
âªâª Too sexy for my job
âªâª Too sexy... âªâª
Hey, sexy. Have you seen Isaac?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. He's over there.
He's, uh, talking to the lighting guy.
They're either talking about work
or he's trying to land a plane.
Hey, Mike. You don't have to be scared.
You can go out there and sit down.
No, no, Carter.
This is the perfect spot
to keep an eye on the mayor.
See, I got press everywhere here,
so, I got people stationed at every door.
If anything happens we can get out of here in eight seconds.
Enjoy. Yeah. Thanks.
âªâª I'm too sexy for my job... âªâª
Well, this shouldn't be so bad.
If I have to stay here for more than an hour
I'm going to kill someone.
Dear God, let it be me.
I am doing so much with so little here.
You should come to one of my shows sometime.
Oh, yeah.
Will you embrace it?
I'll give it a shot.
Wow.
God, I'm good.
Mike, check this out!
Geez, Nikki. You've got beautiful...
dress.
He approves.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
No!
(SCREAMS)
You're doing just great.
Oh. Nice distraction back there at the show, Mike.
Oh, don't thank me, sir. Thank Nikki.
She really took one for the team.
Is she okay?
Oh, I think so.
I mean, I don't know 'cause she's not talking to me.
Well! I think I've got about everything.
Yeah, anything you've forgot, I'll just bring it.
Okay.
Uh, sir, wait a minute, uh...
I didn't know you used...
Herbal Extract.
Mmm-hmm.
This is my shampoo, isn't it, sir?
Didn't I bring that with me?
No, you know, I thought both your suitcase
and your hair looked fuller.
All right, Mike, so I accidentally took your shampoo.
And my conditioner.
Sir.
My pumice stone?
Mike... Sir, it's all right.
You just keep those.
I am going to have to charge you for the robe.
Thanks for having me, Mike.
You know, I just don't think I could have...
There's no need to explain, okay?
We'll just behave like those people
who crashed in the Andes
and not talk about it.
Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.
Helen and I have been pretending for years.
You know, Mike, I wish you had known her
when we first met.
There was a sweetness to her,
a gentleness.
I know, I know, it's hard to believe,
but I just want you to know
that it's not all her fault.
Well, look, sir. Sometimes people grow together,
sometimes they... They grow apart, they change.
You know, sometimes they just move on.
When you think of the ramifications
of a mayor who can't even keep his own marriage intact.
Hmm.
You know, sir, I, uh...
I hate the idea of you going back,
knowing how much you don't want to.
What are you saying?
I'm just saying maybe you should do
whatever makes you happy and...
let me worry about the ramifications.
Seriously, Mike, divorce?
I've never even said the word.
Well, you just did, sir.
You know, I gotta be honest.
Sometimes I feel it would be
the right thing to do for both of us.
I'm with you.
Well, thank you, Mike.
You know, the next couple of weeks
are going to be extremely difficult.
Maybe if I need someplace to stay...
Not in your life, sir.
This new speech better work.
I want out of this job.
Don't worry about it. I plagiarized quite a bit from Jesse Jackson.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Dear, dear neighbors.
It is with great regret and heavy heart
that I must stand before you
and reject the high title
you have generously bestowed upon me.
I reiterate...
My role was never to complicate or obligate.
No, my role was to generate!
My role was to liberate!
My role was to increase the number of machines
to an even-ate!
Good people of Bailey Manor,
my work here is done!
Good night!
When are you going to unstop my gutters?